A/N: Hey guys! I'm not dead!
I'll talk to you all at the bottom as usual but if anyone needs a refresher on what's currently going on:
Its the night before the battle of Stohess. Levi is injured and Dilan will be going into battle without him, leading her own squad, comprised of those she led on the wall. Dilan was also promoted to 'strategist' by Erwin, although she hasn't officially accepted that promotion yet. Levi and Dilan both still grieving pretty badly after what happened, since it only happened like two days previous but Dilan's been good with cutting and Levi's been helping her through it all. This chapter will be the last chapter before the battle, where things are going to pick up in momentum.
I hope you enjoy and thanks for reading if you're still with me! Love you guys! X
LEVI'S P.O.V.
It was later into the night, when the moon was high in the sky that Levi woke up again. He had fallen asleep briefly after Dilan had, leaning into the exhaustion he felt and the comfort she provided him. But Levi had been up for an hour now, feeling too wide awake to get back to sleep.
While Dilan's presence normally did the trick to ease his nerves, he was too worried about tomorrow. He couldn't lose her. He just… couldn't. But he couldn't do much else than sit here and find comfort in her steady breathing. She was alive and he had to believe she would stay that way by the end of tomorrow.
Thankfully, Dilan had stayed steadily asleep and Levi was pleased to report that unlike last night, her rest seemed mostly peaceful.
Levi sighed, looking around the dark room while he gently stroked his hand up and down Dilan's spine. His eyes fell on his uniform jacket and he paused, once again remembering something. The thought had come to him in a middle of a conversation he had with Dilan yesterday. When she got upset seeing the dining hall so empty. He remembered something that could potentially help her.
Because he had something... something of theirs.
The patches.
They were still in his pocket.
With everything going on, he had forgotten about them. But right now seemed like a good time to think it through. Of course, he was going to give them to Dilan but... when?
Should he give them to her tomorrow? Or would that make her upset? Would seeing them cause a relapse?
That was the last thing he wanted. He needed her focused. If she had another episode on the field… well...
Levi didn't want to think about that.
He took a long moment to think it through before deciding she should have them. If anything, they would spur her on, make her push herself. He knew how she worked and if their talks yesterday were any indication, having something that belong to them with her tomorrow could only do good. It will help her feel like they are there with her, like they aren't really gone. Levi felt a pain in his heart as he remembered what she had said yesterday. That it felt like they should be here.
That they were supposed to be here.
He agreed. They weren't supposed to die. They had trained so hard. They were the best in the legion, it just… it wasn't fair.
Levi breathed out shakily and allowed himself to break for a moment, while Dilan didn't need him. While he promised her not to feel guilty it was still hard. His orders for them to separate and hide Eren away cost them their lives. It was a weight he would always have to bear. But he knew Dilan would always be there for him to help carry the load.
Looking at her for a moment, Levi stroked her cheek and pressed his lips to her forehead before moving away and standing from the bed, wrapping her back up warm. He quickly pulled on a jumper and left the room, wanting a drink. He would be sure to be quick encase Dilan woke up and needed him, but he wanted a moment to go through his thoughts and this would provide him a good opportunity to do so.
When he got into the kitchen, he was surprised to find it lit. He looked around, seeing Hanji sitting by the wall at a small table, sipping the very drink he came looking for. Levi supposed she had come back after her meeting with Erwin. Everyone would be arriving here tomorrow, so it was only logical if she didn't want to wake up early to ride here.
And yet, she wasn't spending her time sleeping either. Hanji noticed his presence and looked up, giving him a tired smile. She was in a yellow pyjama set and a dark green dressing gown, her hair all messy. It didn't look like she had been up long.
The mission tomorrow must be getting to her too.
Levi walked over to her and took a seat opposite after grabbing himself a cup and pouring out some of the liquid. They sat in silence for a bit before Hanji spoke up.
"How's she doing?" Hanji asked. Levi had seen the concern in her eyes yesterday after Dilan had to leave in the middle of the meeting.
The same concern that was in her eyes now.
"She's doing the best she can. She's trying hard. I'm proud of her." Levi replied tiredly, rubbing his face with a hand. Hanji sighed, resting her hand over his other one and giving it a comforting squeeze.
"And you?" She asked seriously. Levi's first instinct was to reply with 'I'm fine' or an 'I don't matter' but one stern look from Hanji told him the crazy woman wasn't going to accept either one of those answers.
Levi swallowed, looking down at his tea.
"I'm… angry." He admitted, raking a hand through his hair. "I'm angry that they died, I'm angry at myself for letting them die, I'm angry that this happened now. She was so fucking happy… we were happy." He mumbled, sighing. She was trying her best for him, but Levi had no idea the next time he would see a genuine smile on the brat's face and that thought made his heart ache.
"Go on." Hanji encouraged, knowing he needed to get it all out. While he knew Dilan would always listen to him and comfort him, he wouldn't break in front of her right now. Not if he could help it.
"I'm just…" He took a moment, swallowing down a sudden wave of emotion. "…disappointed in myself. If I was stronger, they'd be alive. It's just not right, it's not fair that she keeps losing everyone she's close too. I should have protected them. What the fuck is the point of being Humanities Strongest when I can't do anything right? Dilan's suffering, and it's because of me." He mumbled the last part, clenching his jaw.
Hanji sighed, squeezing his hand.
"Don't do that again, Levi. Guilt is an easy route to go down, but if you care for Dilan then you won't walk it again. They were terrible circumstances and it wasn't your fault, but I know how you think, so I also know saying that won't convince you. Instead, think about it like this. If you really love Dilan, then don't punish yourself." Hanji said simply.
Levi's eyes widened.
"She deserves stability and she's not going to get that from you if you drown yourself in private, no matter how much you love her. As easy as it probably is to forget your own needs and focus on her, you can't allow yourself to do that. Grieve. Let it all out so when you both come out of the other side you will be free to move on together. The relationship won't be a happy one if you are still living in the past. We both know Dilan isn't the only one who struggles with grief." Hanji pointed out, glancing at his arm.
His sleeve was down but Levi could guess what she was hinting at and his stomach dropped a little.
Just how long had she known about his cutting?
Hanji seemed to sense his unspoken question.
"I've known about it since after the expedition where you were poisoned. I saw... and I wanted to talk to you, but I didn't think it would go through. Only Dil could have gotten you out of that." She sighed and Levi looked down, agreeing.
Only Dilan could have pulled him out of that pit of self-despair and regret.
"My point is, you need to take care of yourself too. I love you both, you are both important and I don't want either of you going back there." Hanji said seriously.
Levi looked at her for a second, his eyes softening. She may be crazy, but she does care about them unconditionally.
"I know. We won't, I promise." Levi reassured, seeing how concerned she was. He was being truthful too. He wouldn't let himself or Dilan go back there. But Hanji was right about remembering to process his own feelings.
When all of this was said and done, he wanted to be able to move forward with Dilan and he wouldn't be able to do that if he was still living with his own regrets. They both needed to leave the guilt out of this the best they could.
Hanji smiled, nodding in approval, she poured herself another cup of tea.
"How's the leg?" She asked. Levi frowned subconsciously, glancing at the useless thing. He could ignore the pulsing most of the time but that didn't mean it still wasn't there.
Fucking killed.
"Shitty." Levi answered briefly, taking a sip. Hanji chuckled.
"And it will be for a while. Longer if you don't-"
"Don't worry, I've already got that lecture from Dil. She'll probably kill me if she catches me fighting." He frowned, annoyed that he was injured in the first place.
Damn that Eren-obsessed Mikasa brat. He thought with an internal scoff.
Hanji smiled.
"With everything going on, I haven't had many chances to talk to you guys recently." She smirked. Levi frowned, not liking the look on her face. "So… how's it going?" She asked, her eyes brightening as she changed the subject. Levi's face dropped into a scowl.
"I am not talking to you about my love life. Ever. That hasn't changed since we last talked." Levi deadpanned. Hanji laughed.
"Why?! We've talked about it before and it's so much more interesting now that you have one! God, I watched you pine for YEARS!" She exclaimed in exasperation and Levi scowled at her.
"Do you want to wake Dil up with that shitty voice of yours!" He hissed in annoyance, trying to supress his embarrassment. Hanji cackled.
"Oh, come on, Levi. Just a few details!?" She pleaded with puppy eyes. Levi frowned.
"No." He said sternly. Hanji pouted.
"Fine!" She scoffed, crossing her arms. Levi rolled his eyes and took another sip.
There was a moment of silence before Hanji decided to cross the line.
"How's the sex?" She asked devilishly, wiggling her eyebrows, and Levi choked on his tea before managing to find enough composure to send her a furious glare.
"None of your damn business." He hissed, standing up and starting to walk away. Hanji laughed loudly.
"So, there has been sex?! Even if it's none of my business!?" She yelled and Levi kept moving, desperately pushing down a blush. He had no idea how that woman could be so shameless. "Levi! Wait, don't go yet." She called and Levi stopped at the doorway, giving her a look.
"What?" He spat.
Hanji looked at him for a moment.
"How many times have you done it?" She smirked and Levi was close to balking.
"Seriously!?" He snapped before turning to leave again. Hanji laughed.
"Wait Levi! I'm sorry, I'll stop! Let me make it up to you!" She yelled but Levi ignored her. "Levi! PLEASE! I'M SO BORED!" She wailed and Levi rolled his eyes but then an idea popped into his head, and he turned around, stepping back into the room.
"Actually, there is something you can do." Levi replied, crossing his arms. Hanji blinked.
"What is it?"
"Can you sow?"
DILAN'S P.O.V.
Blood.
She could taste it on her tongue, smell it in the air, feel it on her skin.
Warm, thick, red.
Dilan shifted from where she was lying down, confused. She felt so heavy, like every limb was restrained to the floor. Her arm was outstretched, and she fisted her hand, feeling the dirt collect between her fingers.
Where was she?
What was happening?
Dilan blinked open her heavy eyelids, the pain on her spine becoming more forceful. The sight she saw knocked the air out of her lungs.
Toby's deformed corpse was lying only meters away from her. Dilan choked on a sob and closed her eyes tight. She was having it again. That fucking dream. Or no… it wasn't a dream. It was a memory. She was about to relive her darkest moment again. See them die again. See them scream for help. For someone to save them. While she lay there, stuck.
Useless.
A tear dripped down her face, sinking into the mud and Dilan sniffed. She didn't want to open her eyes. She didn't want to see it again.
"Hey, Dil?" Tabitha's voice rang through her head and Dilan clenched her jaw, keeping her eyes closed. Tabitha laughed. "Come on underground girl. Don't ignore me. This is our last chance to talk." She pointed out.
Dilan felt someone sit down in front of her.
"Open your eyes." She said seriously, all joking gone from her tone.
"N-no." Dilan mumbled.
"Open your eyes, Dilan!" Tabitha yelled.
"I can't!" She yelled back, tears spilling down her face. A yelp of pain escaped her lips as the cart was lifted and she was dragged out by her hair. A cold flash of panic ran through her veins.
This was different. She didn't remember it being like this.
"Dilan, this is your last chance to see us." Johnson pointed out.
"Y-yeah, Dilan. Don't you want to say anything?" Toby whispered.
"Don't you want to apologise?" Brand asked in an emotionless voice. Dilan sniffed, curling into a ball and trying to block them out.
"Wow, what a bitch. She's ignoring us." Tabitha scoffed.
"Did she not change?" Johnson asked.
"Maybe I-it was a lie." Toby suggested.
"She never loved us then. We meant nothing to her." Brand sighed. "She did let us die after all." He added and Dilan's breath hitched.
"No, that's not-" She defended desperately, opening her eyes but choked after seeing them all looking down at her.
They were drenched in blood.
"Cat got your tongue?" Tabitha asked, thick sticky crimson dribbling off her chin.
Dilan felt tears slip down her face as she gaped at them.
"This is your last chance, you know. Before we die." Brand reminded, looking at her with a blank face. His eyes were so cold. The warm kindness and affection they used to hold for her, but a distant memory.
Dilan tried to speak but found her voice was gone.
They sighed, looking at her with disappointment.
"Fine. Maybe you'll talk to them." Johnson shrugged and they turned to leave. Dilan's eyes widened and she grabbed onto Tabitha's ankle desperately. The girl turned to look at her, eyes void of emotion.
"Tabs…" Dilan whispered.
"See ya, underground girl." She replied before walking away. They disappeared into a thick light.
Dilan shivered, looking around. This was wrong. Why wasn't the dream ending?
With a few shaky breaths Dilan managed to stand, steadying herself on the cart and looking around.
She was so alone.
Mike wasn't even strapped into the cart like he was supposed to be. Would Levi and Hanji be here soon?
"Dilan?" A familiar voice spoke, and Dilan felt every muscle in her body tense, a sob escaping her mouth.
She couldn't take much more of this.
"Dil that's you, isn't it?" Gunther's broken voice asked. "Dilan please… p-please it hurts…" He choked and Dilan's heart broke, turning around and gasping as Gunther looked back at her. His face pale and pained, he held his slashed throat and stomach with an anguished expression as his knees buckled and Dilan ran to him, managing to catch him before he fell, softening the landing to the ground.
"Gunther…I..." She whispered in horror as he choked on his own blood.
"Help… please, fuck, it hurts. I-I want to go home…" He cried and Dilan stared at him in horror as he continued to bleed out. "Dil?" He croaked, panic in his eyes, clutching onto her and Dilan opened her mouth but found she was denied words yet again. Nothing came out, no words of comfort in the end. He let out a final laboured breath and Dilan's heart ripped into pieces as the life drained from his eyes and his body fell limp in her arms.
"No… no, fuck. Not again, Gunther, please!" She begged, holding him close to her as she cried, uncaring of the blood.
"You killed him." A soft voice spoke behind her and another loud sob spilled from her mouth.
"I'm sorry, I-I-" She whimpered, looking down at her friend, her brother. Petra walked around to face her completely stained in red. Her normally bright brown eyes so dulled and lifeless.
"You killed us all, Dil." Oluo walked around next to Petra and Dilan's lip quivered, shaking her head. "How could you?" He asked.
"I didn't, I-It was an accident I-" She tried but was cut off as someone crouched down next to her, gripping her chin and Dilan's eyes widened as her head was turned to meet Eld's eyes.
"I never forgave you." He said and Dilan's heart broke further as he lent in to whisper next to her ear. "Why would I ever forgive a dirty piece of underground scum, like you?" He said in a dulled voice.
Suddenly they were all gone, and Dilan was left alone on the floor, tears falling from her wide eyes. In an insane way, she wanted them back. It didn't matter what they were saying… she just wanted them with her.
"You're a curse." Someone whispered in her ear and blood dripped down her skin.
Dilan woke with a barely concealed scream, her throat so seized up, it only came out as a choked sob. Her eyes darted around in a sheer panic, sweating. Burning. She was burning and she needed something to cool it down. Getting out of bed, she rummaged around their belongings desperately, the need getting stronger with every second.
For a moment Dilan was convinced Levi had hidden all of the blades but she hit the jackpot after looking in his shoe. Grabbing the dagger, she pressed it to her wrist, so fucking ready to press down it hurt, and she fully intended to follow through until she heard a small groan and flinched.
Teary orange eyes flicked over to the bed as Dilan noticed Levi still asleep on his side. Her eyes widened and she paused, watching him for a moment. He shivered slightly and frowned in annoyance and Dilan realised in her hurry to escape the bed, she had pulled the covers off of him too.
Perhaps the cold affected Levi more than they thought. Dilan had never seen him shiver due to a small chill before.
Unconsciously, Levi reached out for his best source of warm, which should have been her, had she not gotten up. His arm spread out on the mattress but found nothing and a small huff escaped his lips, moving his head slightly, the black bangs falling into his eyes.
Dilan sniffed, her hands trembling as she set down the knife for a moment and walked over to him, slowly pulling the covers over him. Levi let out a low hum of approval, a content expression on his face and Dilan covered her mouth to muffle a sob as more tears dripped down her face, feeling like she was breaking in half. She promised him she wouldn't, but she needed to.
He just… doesn't understand, she thought, picking up the knife again and pressing it to her scarred wrists.
Then she stopped again, her eyes widening because he did understand. Looking over at him, she could see similar faded scars on his arm. He understood more than anyone so what the fuck was she doing?
Being a coward was the answer.
She knew full well if she woke him up now, he could hold her and make her feel better instantly. He could make her feel so much better than this knife would.
And yet, that was the point.
Because she didn't deserve to feel better. She deserved to be punished.
Clenching her jaw, Dilan pressed the knife against her skin for the third time.
"Dil…" Levi spoke quietly, and Dilan tensed in horror. When did he wake up? Reluctantly, her tortured orbs looked over at the bed and she breathed out in utter relief when she saw Levi sleeping soundly.
He must be sleep-talking. Since when the fuck does he sleep talk? The man normally sleeps like a rock.
"You…" He whispered and Dilan listened, curious. "You… really suck at card games…" He mumbled and Dilan's eyes widened.
He was dreaming they were playing… cards?
Dilan's lips tweaked upwards slightly, eyes softening in disbelief. She had a sudden need to go to him. To wake him up and feel the relief of his lips on hers. She wanted to talk to him. She wanted to play cards and joke and cheat and insult each other and pretend for just a moment... that the fucked up world couldn't affect them.
"You're a curse." A cold voice reminded and Dilan's heart dropped because a part of her believed it.
Her body shook as she turned away from him. It hurt too much, she needed some relief.
But how could she do this to him? She would be sacrificing everything she worked for, everything they worked for. If she started again, not only would she hurt him, but she would drag him back into that crap. Why? Why was she like this? Why can't she just put it down? Why can't that be the end of it? Why must she struggle so much to keep her head above the fucking water?
It was so exhausting.
Dilan cried quietly, leaning her forehead against the cold wall and gripping the handle of the knife with shaky hands.
Don't do this, don't do this, don't do this, don't do this!
Dilan yelled at herself over and over as she touched the metal to her skin and dragged it slightly towards her. A small slash appeared. So small it could have been mistaken for a paper-cut.
But that was all she needed to see to horrify her.
Gasping, Dilan flinched her arm back like she had touched something hot. She ran to the window and thrust it open, throwing the knife out into the cool morning breeze. She watched it fall through the leaves of a tree and slowly toppled down into the dirt, remaining stationary on the floor. The steel glinted slightly in the early break of a new day and Dilan breathed out in relief, her sweaty body slumping over the window ledge.
You did it. She thought with a shaky sigh of relief.
It was motherfucking painful, but she got through it. She knew it would have been easier if she had woken Levi up, but it felt better to do it herself. She intended on being reliable for him.
Besides, he still helped a lot, even if he had no idea.
Levi let out another small groan behind her, mumbling something about 'close the damn window' into his pillow. Dilan let out a small emotional chuckle, realising he must be really fucking tired if she pulled off not waking him up during all of that. She closed the window and slowly sunk back into bed. Levi pulled her towards him, instinctively, still asleep, he hugged her close. Dilan leant into him, her body shaking slightly as she calmed down, so comforted by him she could barely take it.
A dark voice told her she didn't deserve the comfort but in that moment, in Levi's strong yet gentle embrace, it was so quiet she could barely hear it.
Dilan woke up a few hours later. After that horrendous nightmare and moment of self-torture, her sleep had been relatively peaceful. Levi kept most of the torment at bay. He helped her get through another night, the healthy way.
She couldn't have been more grateful.
Staring at him with tired eyes, Dilan stroked some hair out of his face, her hand rested on his cheek for a moment before gently brushing it down until it stopped over his heart. She let out a soft breath of relief when she felt the pulse, beating regularly.
He's alive.
She just had to keep it that way. She just had to keep him alive. Because Levi… he was just… everything.
He was everything she had left in this world.
A heavy burden for him to carry but she hoped he would forgive her for placing her future on his shoulders. It's all she could do to survive herself.
"Lean on me."
Dilan felt her lips tweak upwards at the memory, reminding herself who she was dealing with. The bastard wanted her to lean on him. If he could, he would take all her pain and bear it himself, because that's just the kind of loving person he was. Dilan knew he would do it because if she could, she would carry all of his pain too. She supposed that's what love is.
Giving everything to make the other smile.
But Dilan couldn't let Levi bear it all. No, she had to be strong for him too because she hadn't failed to notice he was terrified. Levi hid it well, but Dilan could see past the façade.
Today's mission was scaring him.
He was scared of how vulnerable he was, and he was scared that something would happen to her and he wouldn't be there. He was as scared of losing her as she was of losing him. The only difference was that he would be safe today and she would be in danger. While the fact that he would survive the day was one of the only things keeping her going, she couldn't bear being in his position right now.
Levi likes to push things down; he likes to focus on the pain of those around him, so he doesn't have to deal with his own. Dilan's normally the same in that aspect but they made a promise to deal with it the healthy way. Dilan was determined to do just that. She was going to get through this agony, but she wasn't going to leave him behind. He was coming with her. Which is why she needed to be there for him as much as he was there for her.
It was the only way.
Taking a moment to look at him, Dilan gently brushed some hair away from his eyes before standing from the bed and pulling the covers back over him. They didn't have to get up quite yet and he could use some more sleep.
Dilan stepped into the shower quickly, shaking her head every time the heart-breaking image of their corpses crawled into her mind. Her brain was doing everything it could to make her back out, to abandon the mission and hide everyone she loved away, safe and warm.
But that wasn't possible, so she kept going.
She rinsed her body of soap and took a moment, leaning her head on the cold tiles of the shower. She counted to five before forcing herself to move on, turning off the hot streams and stepping outside, wrapping a towel around her body and moving back into the main room as Levi was just sitting up in bed.
She froze slightly at his expression, instantly recognising the mental anguish on his features.
"Levi?" Dilan called, moving over to him. Levi's eyes flicked over to her and the pain on his face lessened but not by much. He opened his mouth but shut it again as tears filled his eyes and he clenched his jaw, putting a hand over his face and trying to calm down.
The sight made her heart lurch and Dilan was by his side in a second, letting go of the towel to climb back into the sheets with him, holding him close to her and stroking through his hair as he pressed his forehead to her shoulder. His breaths were shaky, and Dilan could feel a few of his tears sliding down her skin.
She had to blink back her own tears seeing him in such distress.
"Levi, talk to me." She whispered, stroking his back. Did he have nightmare? The only time she saw that expression on his face was when he dreamed about the day Izzy and Farlan died.
She had seen it herself over the years, when he passed out before her if they stayed in the same room or slept out on the roof. He'd never admitted it, but she knew the dream was about them. His expression just now was the same so Dilan could only assume he had seen his family die again. Levi said nothing, only holding her tighter.
"Levi please." She begged, trying to keep it together.
Levi let out a shaky breath before muttering something.
"Don't…" He mumbled but Dilan didn't catch most of it. She pressed a kiss to the side of his head, stroking the back of his neck.
"Don't what?" She asked softly. Dilan felt another tear drip onto her skin.
"Don't go. J-just don't go. What's the fucking point?" He said in a broken tone and Dilan's eyes widened.
Was he asking her not to go on the mission today?
Dilan pulled him back to look at him, her heart hurting at how much pain and fear were in his glassy grey eyes.
"Levi-" She tried but Levi cut her off, gripping her hands.
"Let's just go. Fuck the regiment, we can have everything we want. We can be together somewhere safe. Somewhere with no pain or threat. We can get a house, get married, have kids. Dil, I want that life with you so fucking much. We can't get it here. We can't get it if you're-" He couldn't finish, choking on his own words but Dilan understood.
We can't get it if you're dead.
Dilan swallowed down a sob, unable to stall a few tears of her own.
All she wanted was to say yes.
They could pack a bag and go right now. They could live the lives they wanted. But… it wasn't possible. If Levi was thinking straight, he would understand that too. He was breaking and it was her job to put him back together.
To make him see sense.
"I want it too, Levi. I want it so much and that's why we have to stay, that's why we have to fight." She replied, stroking his cheek.
Levi blinked out another tear, clearly disagreeing.
"What's the point in being happy for a moment? We could go, we could buy a house, get married, start on a kid… but Levi, the titans aren't going to disappear just because we want them too. We might be the only soldiers in the legion that can take out those fuckers with titan abilities. If we remove ourselves from the equation… yes, we might be happy for a moment in time, but the titans will come back. They will get through the walls and they will crush our happiness. It's because we want it, that we can't stop now. Because I don't want a moment. I want a life with you." She emphasised, a tear slipping down her face and Levi's eyes softened. "I want a long fucking life with you. You make me want to grow old, which is difficult because according to the death pact you only have 10 years left."
She joked lightly with a small smirk, pleased as Levi cracked a smile and let out a small emotional laugh.
"I want you, okay? We're going to get it all, we just need to hang on." She soothed, leaning her forehead against his and feeling the tension drip out of his body as he started to admit defeat.
"Promise." He whispered, needing it. Dilan pressed her lips to his for a moment.
"I promise. I promise I won't die. I promise you won't die. I promise we'll get what we want." She reassured. Levi let out a breath, relaxing into her. Dilan relaxed herself, pleased his freak-out was over.
"I love you so much." Levi breathed.
"I love you too. So much." Dilan smiled, blinking out another tear.
They sighed and held onto each other for a minute longer before Levi pulled back, laying back down and staring up at the ceiling. He looked tired and there was still some clear reluctance on letting her go but the defeat was there.
This was a fight they couldn't run from.
"Sorry I freaked." He mumbled. Dilan smiled a bit and rolled her eyes, laying down next to him.
"Shut up. The amount of times I've freaked out and you've brought me back from the edge is embarrassing. Say sorry again and I'll punch you." She retorted and Levi let out a light laugh, taking her hand and pressing it to his lips.
"You mean that? You'd punch the one you loved?" Levi teased lightly. Dilan looked at him with a small smirk.
"Course. What? Do you think you'd get special treatment? The next time you say such a dumbass thing, I'll deck you." She teased back and Levi chuckled, looking a lot better.
"Good. Likewise, idiot." He smiled, pulling her closer. Dilan sighed in content, leaning into his warmth.
"You dreamed about them, didn't you? About losing Iz and Farlan." Dilan whispered, feeling like she needed to ask. She'd never brought it up before, knowing it was unlikely Levi would talk about it but maybe now things would be different.
Levi tensed slightly before relaxing. It was all the evidence she needed.
He pulled back to look at her, a sadness in his eyes as he brushed a damp strand of hair away from her face.
"How did you know?" He asked quietly.
"I know that face, Levi. You only look like that when you've had a nightmare. To my knowledge, that's the only nightmare you have." Dilan replied softly. Levi sighed, closing his eyes.
"When I first came up… and they died. I had it all the time. I saw it every time I closed my eyes." Levi confessed.
"Is it always the same?" Dilan asked, lacing her hand with his. Levi nodded.
"Yeah, it doesn't change. I don't get it that often anymore. Only when I'm nervous about something, really. It was particularly vivid today." Levi admitted, smoothing his thumb over her knuckles.
"Don't hide them from me anymore okay?" She asked. Levi smiled a bit and nodded.
Then Dilan felt bad. How could she ask such a thing of him after last night? She was being completely hypocritical.
"Hey… what's wrong?" Levi asked. Dilan sighed. She knew she had to tell him.
"I almost cut last night." She confessed and Levi's eyes widened, filling with guilt.
"Shit Dilan, I'm so sorry. I was an idiot to leave-" He started to apologise but Dilan shook her head.
"You were here when I woke up." She cut him off. Levi looked confused.
"Then… why didn't you…" He questioned, confused and maybe even a little hurt that she didn't wake him up. Dilan sighed.
"I know. I know what I should have done. Deep down I wanted to. But I knew as soon as I woke you up, you would be able to calm me down and help me. In the moment I didn't want that. I wanted to feel bad, I wanted to hurt myself." Dilan confessed, feeling shame from her words. Levi squeezed her hand for support and when she looked at him, she was relieved to see no anger. Sadness, sure, but mainly just understanding.
Because he knew how it felt.
"What stopped you?" He asked. Dilan cracked a small smile.
"You, stupid. You were cold and being all cute. You sleep talk, you know? It's adorable." She chuckled as Levi frowned.
"I don't get cold and there is no way I sleep talk." Levi defended, completely getting off track. Dilan rolled her eyes.
"Well, unconscious Levi does. You kept interrupting me and while I intended to follow through… you made me realise I didn't want to go back." She explained, glancing at the small cut on her wrist. Levi smoothed his thumb over it, pressing it to his lips and she smiled.
"Well in that case, I'm glad I'm a dork in my sleep." Levi replied and Dilan sniggered. "But I would prefer it if you wake me up in the future, brat. I'm proud of you for fighting it yourself, I really am. But you don't need to." He pointed out carefully. Dilan's eyes softened and she gave a small smile of understanding, but felt like she needed to confess something.
"I know. I'll wake you up next time. But honestly... it feels different this time. I'm not saying I'll never be tempted again but... when I tried to go through with it... it just felt different..." She tried to explain. Levi looked confused.
"What do you mean?" He asked, stroking some hair behind her ear. Dilan sighed, trying to think of how she could explain what she felt last night.
"Normally when I cut... I only feel relief but last night... even a small break of the skin... I was just..." she swallowed.
"Just what?" Levi asked gently.
"Scared." She admitted. "It hurt and the pain scared me. It didn't feel relieving at all." She sniffed, a tear dripping down her face. Levi smiled softly in understanding, wiping it away.
"That's a good thing, Dil. You know you don't deserve it. You know you don't deserve to hurt yourself. That's why it's not relieving anymore." He encouraged and the proud look in his eye made her heart warm but she couldn't help her stupid irrational fears from starting to spiral.
"Yeah b-but I've always had it. When it gets too much I've always had it to help me calm down. W-what do I do now? What do I have to help me w-when the one fucking thing I've always relied on doesn't work anymore?" She asked shakily. She knew it was stupid but she couldn't help it. She hated doing it and it only brought her shame and pain but it was always there.
The idea of finally leaving it behind almost felt... wrong, in a way.
Levi smiled, stroking her cheek.
"Dumbass, you have me." He started kindly and Dilan's eyes widened slightly. "You have me and Hanji and Eren and Mama P, the Birches and Cassie and all those brats at the orphanage. Even that wall task force that is borderline obsessed with you." He continued and Dilan let out an emotional chuckle. "But most importantly, you have yourself. You're so fucking strong Dilan. You've come so far. You don't need it anymore. Trust me on that, okay?" He said seriously and tears welled in her eyes yet again but she smiled anyway.
She wanted so desperately to be done with it. She wanted to trust him.
So maybe... she would.
"Okay... I will." She said with a steadying breath. Dilan knew it wasn't always that simple but maybe this time it could be. Because in that moment she almost felt...
Free.
He smiled proudly and Dilan couldn't stop herself from kissing him, so grateful. So grateful because she knew he would always keep her standing until she could walk on her own. Levi kissed her back and Dilan got as close to him as possible until they ran out of air. Levi pulled back and lent his forehead against hers while they caught their breaths.
"We should get up." Levi pointed out reluctantly, sitting up.
Dilan moved to get up but found she couldn't. She wasn't ready to let go yet. She wasn't ready to start the day.
"Not yet." She replied stubbornly, leaning in to kiss him once more.
Levi didn't object, kissing her back without a seconds hesitation. It was gentle but passionate and Dilan felt her breath hitch slightly as Levi slid his hand under her thigh and pulled her onto his lap so she was straddling him as their lips continued to lock over and over.
Her heart was pounding in her chest. There had been so much stress and pain lately. So much agony. She just wanted a break. She just wanted a moment to get lost in him without thinking about anything else.
His hands were on her waist, smoothing his thumbs gently over the bare skin and Dilan felt herself shiver. She needed him to take her. She needed him to make her forget all the bad.
"Levi." She panted, breaking the kiss to lean her forehead against his while they took a breath. Levi pulled her closer, so she was pressed up against him, his eyes dark and full of the same lust she was currently experiencing. "I-I know we were waiting for a better time b-but… I… I just…" She whispered breathlessly, her body trembling with anticipation. Levi pressed a feathery kiss to her neck and Dilan shivered against him. When she felt his lips brush over her ear, she lost all restraint. "Please." She whispered, gripping the fabric of his t-shirt. Levi took a steadying breath, clearly trying to stay in control.
"Sure?" He asked seriously, pulling her back to look in the eye. Dilan could see the worry there. He was probably scared of hurting her before the mission. Dilan couldn't give less of a shit. She could deal with a little pain.
"I want you." She whispered against his lips. Thankfully that was all he needed, locking his mouth with hers again, a new sense of heat seeping into the atmosphere. Dilan was desperate for him and by the growing bulge Dilan was practically sitting on, Levi felt the same. Wanting to test this theory, Dilan got a bit closer to him and pressed her hips down, pushing herself against him and gasped at the instant pleasure she felt.
Levi groaned into her mouth, taking hold of her hips to press her into him again and Dilan broke the kiss to moan into his neck.
It wasn't enough.
Levi seemed to agree as he started moving them along a bit faster, kissing down her neck, sucking and nipping, making her shiver, giving her exactly what she needed.
His lips reached her breasts, dragging his tongue over her pert nipple while their hips continued to grind into eachother and Dilan cried out, gripping onto his shoulders and throwing her head back slightly. Her hands fisted his shirt, and Dilan felt gripping onto him would be so much more satisfying if she could feel his warm skin against her own.
She pulled back to look into his eyes for a moment, finding she was unable to think about anything but how much she loved him. Her hands smoothed under his shirt, feeling the warm skin before taking hold of the hem and slowly pulling it up. Levi helped and shirt was off of his head. Dilan smoothed her hands down his chest, enjoying the slight tremor that ran through his muscular form.
Levi cupped her face and pulled her lips back onto his. She sat up on her knees so he could shrug off the pants and boxers he was wearing while they continued to kiss slowly.
Lovingly.
He broke apart to give her some air, moving across her jaw and Dilan closed her eyes, breathing out.
"You are so fucking beautiful, you know that?" He whispered in her ear and Dilan shuddered. She felt that wetness again. A lot of it.
"Levi?" She whimpered slightly as he dipped a finger into her, checking how ready she was for him. He looked at her with those loving grey eyes, giving her his full attention.
She took a shaky breath, the heat from his body starting to be too much. She needed something to fix the ache between her legs. But she needed to ask a question first.
"Do y-you um... do you want to be on top this time?" She asked. It was only fair to him. She didn't want to force him into something he didn't want to do. Yes, the idea was still a bit scary, but she just needed to experience it first, right? Regardless, Levi was more than accommodating their first time. If he wanted to be on top, then she didn't intend to stop him.
Levi observed her for a moment, his eyes softening, and he smiled gently, kissing her again.
"Not today. We'll do what you know. We can try that when we have more time." He suggested thoughtfully. Dilan's heart melted a little and she nodded, so grateful she had someone who understood her so completely. She didn't ever want to lose that. She didn't ever want to lose him.
She sat up on her knees and Levi helped her out just like last time. And just like last time, it hurt like a son-of-a-bitch. But she was prepared for it. And more importantly, she wasn't afraid.
Taking a shaky breath once he was fully inside her, Dilan swallowed down a wince. Levi kissed her again to comfort her before pulling her shaky body into his arms. Dilan lent into his neck and calmed down as he held her close, closing her eyes and holding onto him. What she wouldn't give to stay here. Here in this moment with his warm body wrapped around her own.
To feel completely safe and secure.
She wasn't ready to let go of that feeling. Not today, not tomorrow. Not a year from now.
So… she'll just have to fight for it.
Fight to make it last.
A while later, longer than they had to spare, they both collapsed back onto the bed. Dilan had a wide smile of disbelief on her face. That was certainly better than last time and the last time was already pretty damn good. She looked at Levi as she tried to even her breathing and rolled her eyes as his smug expression.
"Shut up." She smirked, cuddling into him. Levi laughed a bit.
"I didn't say anything." He replied, stroking some sweaty hair out of her face. Dilan hummed sceptically.
"But you were totally thinking it." She pointed out with a grin. Levi smiled, stroking her cheek. He pretended to think for a moment.
"Hmm… yeah, I was." He smirked and Dilan laughed, rolling her eyes again.
"Smug bastard." She mumbled into his shoulder. Levi laughed, stroking her arm gently.
"You were thinking it too." He pointed out. Dilan hesitated.
"Yeah… I was." She admitted and he chuckled. She pulled back to smile at him. "I guess you really can do better." She teased, repeating the words he said to her at the hotel. Levi gave her a cocky look.
"Oh, I can still do way better than that." He bragged. Dilan laughed.
"Oh yeah?" She asked. Levi smirked and pulled her closer.
"Just wait till I get you underneath me." He whispered in her ear and Dilan's blush was immediate.
"Levi!" She protested, embarrassed. Levi laughed and kissed her.
Dilan relaxed into it, threading her hands into his hair. They both pulled back after a moment and panted, leaning against each other.
"We should really get up now." He mumbled. Dilan sighed.
"I know." She mumbled back, pressing one last kiss to his lips before getting off of him and scooting to the edge of the bed. "I call first shower." She decided. Levi raised an eyebrow.
"Can't I just shower with you?" He asked, confused. They had showered together before after all. Dilan shook her head, flicking him on the forehead and smirking at his scrunched-up face.
"We're running low on time. Can't trust you to keep your hands to yourself, grumps." She teased. Levi glared at her.
"Brat." He mumbled. Dilan laughed lightly and stood up.
She wobbled but Levi steadied her, an instant concern and regret in his eyes. Dilan sighed. She hadn't meant to freak him out. It honestly didn't hurt that much at all. But she knew Levi and he was going to work himself up about this if she doesn't reassure him immediately.
Before he could even say anything, Dilan leant down to kiss him, wiping the apologetic look off of his face. When she was sure the tension was gone from his muscles, she pulled back to look him in the eye.
"I'm completely fine." She assured with a smile, a meaningful look in her eye. Levi's eyes softened slightly but he hesitated. "I'm fine, Levi." She repeated gently, stroking his cheek. Levi let out a breath and nodded. She smiled in approval, about to head to the bathroom but Levi kept a hand on her wrist. She blinked at him as he opened the bedside table draw and took out the pill bottle, giving her a look and her eyes widened in rememberance.
After getting back from their trip to Sina, they spent some time in the infirmary the next day trying to locate those pills Hanji talked about. Yes, it would have been easier to ask her for some but then they would have to talk to her about their sex life. And that was something neither of them were willing to do. Thankfully they found the same pills as before. Now she just had to remember to take them. It seems Levi was going to help her which she was grateful for at the moment. Her head was all over the place.
She took the bottle and shook out the right number of pills onto her hand as Levi passed her a glass of water and she swallowed them down with a slight frown. It still made her feel weird to be taking these so casually after what she went through the first time, but she chose to do it this way and she didn't regret it. Besides, the last time Levi made her forget about all the negative feelings with the way he kissed her straight after-
Her thoughts were cut off as she felt lips press to hers, kissing away her thoughts and her heart warmed significantly, chuckling internally at what a softy he was.
Is he going to do this every time? I won't complain.
Eventually Levi pulled back so she could catch her breath, taking the pill bottle off of her and putting it in the draw, closing it after with slightly more force than necessary. He sighed, looking guilty.
"Dil you don't have to take these, I can-" He started and Dilan smiled, rolling her eyes and kissing him again to cut him off. He was such a worry wort.
"Shut up, okay? I like the way things are. You don't have to change anything." She admitted with a slight blush. Levi cracked a slow smirk.
"Yeah? What things do you like?" He asked smugly and Dilan glared at him. How he could go from concerned to a smug bastard in 2 seconds flat was beyond her.
"Ass! Don't be like that!" She hissed, smacking his arm and heading into the bathroom to take her second shower of the day as Levi laughed. Her legs definitely felt wobbly and she was a bit achy, but it didn't hurt like the first time. After a warm shower, she knew she'd still be fit to fight.
When she left the bathroom, she wrapped her towel around herself, assuming she needed to go to her room to get her clothes.
"I brought you a uniform last night. It's in the wardrobe." Levi informed as he got up. Dilan looked at him and her heart warmed at the gesture, squeezing his hand as a thank you.
Levi kissed her head before heading into the bathroom. She smiled a bit after him before walking to the wardrobe and getting out a new uniform and getting changed. She had just finished drying and brushing her hair when Levi came out again, freshly showered with a towel wrapped around his waist.
Dilan stared shamelessly, smirking when Levi caught her. He raised an eyebrow and she shrugged.
"What? You're mine to stare at, aren't you?" She asked. Levi swallowed hard and Dilan smirked at him, amused that she could get Humanities Strongest to look like that.
"Such a fucking brat." He huffed, knowing they didn't exactly have the time to take it further, so she was clearly just trying to wind him up.
And… she was.
Dilan chuckled lightly as she walked by into the bathroom. She cleaned her teeth and tied her hair up and when she came back out, Levi was dressed.
It was odd to think she didnt used to get ready here. Those three weeks that she slept in his room with him, she had only changed in here once the morning of the expedition. Before that she just didnt feel ready to be so exposed around him but everything had changed since then. It was weird to think about how much had changed in such a short time. While it had only been a few weeks, it felt much longer. Maybe Mama P was right. Maybe it felt longer with him because they had always had that connection but were too stubborn to admit it. Years spent building up the trust, respect and love that they needed to make this work.
When Dilan got back out of the bathroom and saw what he was wearing, she tilted her head. He was in a black suit with a white shirt, instead of his scout uniform. He looked gorgeous as always, but she thought he would be in uniform today. Levi noticed her confusion and rolled his eyes while rubbing the towel over his head, trying to dry his hair.
"I'm not fighting, remember? I'd rather not be in those stupid straps all day." He scoffed. Dilan chuckled and moved to straighten out the bed, looking back as she heard a small grunt of pain as Levi put too much pressure on his injury. He glared at his leg and Dilan walked back over to him.
"Come on, stupid." She encouraged, taking his hand and leading him back over to the bed, suggesting he sit down. Levi frowned and she gave him a stern look that made him cave. Dilan nodded in approval, taking the towel from his hands and standing in between his legs to finish drying his hair in a gentler way than the harsh scrubbing he was doing. Levi gave in almost instantly, unable to resist relaxing whenever she went anywhere near his hair.
She finished drying it with a towel and combed her hand through the damp strands. Dilan smiled as Levi sighed in content, his eyes closed, and Dilan wished he would be able to stay this stress free all day but as soon as they stepped out of this room, they both knew the day was going to be a nightmare.
But they still had some time. Dilan wanted to stay in denial for as long as possible.
"Who cuts your hair?" Dilan asked curiously, wondering how it always stayed exactly the same. She just couldn't see Levi allowing anyone else a chance to cut it, in case they fucked up his hair.
"I do." Levi replied, keeping his eyes closed. Dilan chuckled silently. She thought as much.
"You've always had the same haircut, haven't you?" She asked, a smirk in her voice and Levi opened his eyes to frown at her.
"So what, brat?" He asked, annoyed. Dilan smiled and leant down to press a kiss to his lips, immediately lightening his annoyed features.
"Nothing. It's cute." She replied and Levi averted his eyes, failing to force down a blush.
"Shut up." He grumbled and Dilan rolled her eyes playfully, her hands going back to his hair. There was a moment of silence before Levi spoke again in a softer voice. "My mother used to cut my hair in this style. It's… one of the only memories I have of her." Levi admitted and Dilan's eyes widened a fraction at his openness. Levi normally didn't like to talk about his mother. She knew her death still weighed on him, even if it wasn't his fault.
Then Dilan's eyes softened, and she smiled, stroking the side of his face. She thought she knew everything about this grumpy man but maybe that wasn't completely true. It was a nice thought that now they were properly together, she could get to know a Levi that he didn't show that much. That he hides to protect himself. Dilan knew deep down; she did the same thing. But maybe they didn't have to anymore.
Dilan lent down to kiss him gently.
"Thank you for telling me that." Dilan whispered after pulling back. Levi smiled at her, pressing a kiss to the palm of the hand she still had resting on his jaw.
"You make it easy." He shrugged, a small smirk on his lips. Dilan smiled, kissing him again before kneeling down and reaching for his leg. Levi moved it back, looking at her with suspicion. "And just what do you think you're doing?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.
"I need to redo your splint, dumbass." She replied and Levi glared at her before he clearly remembered something and cringed slightly. "What?" Dilan asked.
"Well…" He trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck and refusing to look her in the eye. Dilan was confused but after a moment she got there.
Dilan looked at him with a deadpan face.
"You showered with your splint on again, didn't you?" She asked flatly, unimpressed. Levi cringed a bit more.
"Yeah, kind of." He admitted. Dilan rolled her eyes and stood up again, flicking him on the forehead. "Oi!" Levi hissed. Dilan ignored him and walked towards the door.
"I'll be back in a bit, try not to do anything else stupid while I'm gone." Dilan teased, opening the door and glancing back to Levi as he flipped her off. She laughed and left the room, closing the door behind her.
Dilan sighed as she walked down the empty halls towards the infirmary. It was old and dusty as fuck, but she hoped there would be a splint in there. Maybe she should take a few back with her to save her the trip if the idiot ends up doing it again.
She felt a bit better today. The pain was still great, and she could feel it weighing on her but with Levi around it was manageable.
However, that was in their isolated room. It was easy to forget her problems when she looked into his eyes. Out here by herself, she could feel it getting heavier with every step she took away from him, and she was fighting this absurd need to run back the other way and crawl into Levi's arms.
Dilan cursed under her breath and scolded herself for such a weak reaction. She was not going to let herself develop separation anxiety. No, she had enough issues to add that to the list.
Her and Levi's relationship was going to be different.
Healthy.
She was determined to do that for their future. So, she pressed forward, ignoring the tightness in her throat. The more she did it the easier it would be.
She continued to tell herself that.
Even when her breathing started picking up, even when she felt like she was on the verge of a panic attack.
Dilan let out a shaky breath, clenching her jaw and trying to regain some resemblance of control as she picked up her pace and rounded a corner into the infirmary, whacking straight into someone, causing Dilan to stumble back and the person to fall straight over onto their ass. Dilan blinked and looked down after regaining her balance, seeing Hanji on the floor, blinking herself.
"Oh shit. Sorry Hanji." Dilan apologised, offering a hand. Hanji chuckled and took it and Dilan helped her up.
"Quite alright, Dil." She smiled before her face fell slightly more serious, but the smile still remained. "How are you?" She asked, squeezing her hands. Dilan offered a weak smile back.
"It's hard… but Levi's getting me through." Dilan answered honestly. Hanji smiled sadly in relief.
"I'm glad. And... I'm really sorry, Dil. You didn't deserve this again." She replied sincerely. Dilan refused the tears and nodded her thanks, grateful to her friend for always being there for her.
"Thanks Hanji." She said quietly. Hanji nodded and Dilan opened her mouth to speak again and ask if she knew where the splints were, but her eyebrows furrowed slightly as she tried to recall a vague memory that suddenly popped into her head.
She couldn't get the specifics, but it didn't seem good.
"Did something happen on the expedition?" She asked, confused. She vaguely remembered Levi leaving her for a second and Hanji hugging her. And then her and Levi were sitting down behind a cart.
It was very patchy.
When Hanji's eyes widened and filled with sadness, Dilan knew something must have happened. She sighed, looking at the floor. She never wanted to put Hanji through something like that. She didn't even like Levi seeing her like that, but she trusted him with all of herself. Even the dark parts.
"Hanji-"
"I'm so sorry Dilan." Hanji said quietly. Dilan looked up at her in surprise.
Wasn't that her line?
She wasn't exactly sure what she put Hanji through, but she was certain it must have been traumatic. She had either tried to cut or done something much worse. After what happened, Dilan was putting her money on the latter.
"I was supposed to look after you. What kind of friend am I?" She muttered, angry at herself. Dilan's eyes glossed over and she pulled her friend into a tight hug, a lump of emotion forming in her throat. Hanji tensed in surprise.
"Don't apologise. I'm sorry you had to see me like that. I didn't mean to put that on you." Dilan said shakily and Hanji hugged her back just as tightly.
"Don't do that okay? I love you, Dil. You can always talk to me about anything. You can always come to me. Whenever you need a friend." Hanji said seriously. Dilan closed her eyes, letting out a shaky breath of relief.
She pulled back and smiled a bit.
"Thank you, Hanji. You've always been there for me. I don't know quite how you do it." Dilan joked lightly and Hanji chuckled, wiping her eyes.
"Because! You are my sweet little Dil! Now, tell me what's wrong." Hanji encouraged, pulling her over to a dusty table that had a rotten plant on its centre. The whole space was full of cobwebs and looked incredibly unsanitary. Dilan supposed Levi hadn't had a chance to order the squad to clean it up before everything happened because of all the preparation for the expedition.
Hanji and Dilan sat down on some stools and Dilan looked at her curiously.
"What's wrong?" Dilan repeated, confused. Hanji nodded.
"You looked all panicky when you came around the corner, before you knocked me on my ass anyway. What's wrong, why are you down here?" Hanji asked seriously. Dilan sighed, annoyed and impressed by her friend's perceptiveness.
"Levi showered with his splint on, I was coming to get him another." Dilan answered. Hanji raised an eyebrow.
"And…?" Dilan sighed again.
"And…" She looked down, picking at a crack in the wooden surface of the table. "I got really anxious and worried." Dilan admitted.
"About the mission?" Hanji supposed. Dilan knew that was a reasonable assumption, but she wasn't as scared about the mission as she was about this.
"No. I got anxious about leaving him. Stupid right? I let him out of my sight for one second and I feel like I'm going to have a fucking panic attack." Dilan scoffed, shaking her head at herself. Hanji sighed and took the hand that was still nervously picking at the table, squeezing it for support.
"Dilan, you went through a traumatic event. You lost people you love." Hanji said carefully and Dilan looked up at her with teary eyes. "It's natural for you to feel worried about leaving the one you love the most, even if it's only for a few seconds. It's not stupid. If you call yourself that then it's just going to take that much longer to heal." Hanji said kindly.
Dilan bit her lip.
"But how do I make it stop. I need to be focused today and even now when I know he's safe… I just- I just feel so-" She tried, the tightness in her throat starting to resurface.
"Scared." Hanji finished for her softly. Dilan blinked out a tear. "You're scared of losing him and that's alright. Do you remember two years ago on the wall?" Hanji asked and Dilan was confused but Hanji went on anyway. "Those poor cadets. They were having mental breakdowns, completely terrified. Do you remember what you said to them? What you said to give them the push to break through their fear and go down that wall?" Hanji asked. Dilan sniffed and shook her head.
Hanji smiled.
"Well I do. You said 'I know your scared. You would be crazy not to be, but fear is a part of life. It's how we push forward that counts. How we prove to fear that it will not control us. Break from it. Move forward. Because if you break from fear, tomorrow will be better no matter what happens. You will find peace knowing you gave it your all'." Hanji said.
Dilan's eyes widened a fraction.
"I've always remembered that. It was one of the most inspirational things I've ever heard, and I was so proud of you. You didn't just help the cadets, you rallied us all. You gave us hope in a moment of despair." She smiled, squeezing her hand. "So now I'm going to use your own words against you, okay Dil?" Hanji smirked and Dilan let out a small emotional laugh. "I know your scared, baby. You have a right to be after all you've been through. But it's how you push forwards that counts. You will not let it control you. You will break from it and you will move forward and live a long happy life." Hanji said seriously and Dilan took a breath, feeling her panic start to dissipate.
Hanji was right. Or rather… they both were right. This will not define her.
Dilan took another breath and nodded.
"You're right, we're all going to get through his." Dilan said firmly, squeezing her hand back. Hanji smiled proudly.
"That's my baby." She said in approval, standing and walking over to a draw. Hanji opened it and pulled out a wooden splint and a roll of bandages.
"Actually, could I have a few of those. Levi's a dumbass." Dilan said, standing too. Hanji chuckled and nodded, taking out 2 more and handing the supplies over to her.
"Your new squad should be here soon; you should probably get going." Hanji reminded carefully. Dilan felt a deep pang of dread but took a breath. This time instead of pushing it down, she acknowledged it and let it go. Hanji was right. It's okay to be scared today. She didn't have to pretend to herself that she wasn't, she just had to make sure she didn't let the fear control her.
"Alright, I'll see you in a bit." Dilan agreed and Hanji smiled at her.
Dilan turned to leave and got to her door before Hanji stopped her.
"Oh-wait!" Hanji called and Dilan turned back to her, tilting her head as Hanji ran around the back, somewhere Dilan couldn't see. When she came back out, she was holding a brown corps jacket. Dilan furrowed her brows in confusion.
"Is that mine?" Dilan asked, curious. She recognised some of the tears that she had sewn together over the years, but she had also noticed that her jacket was missing this morning. She had assumed she just left it in her saddle pack.
Hanji nodded.
"I finished it this morning. It was Levi's idea though." Hanji explained, holding it out to her.
"What idea?" Dilan asked, taking the jacket. Hanji opened one of the sides and Dilan gasped silently, seeing the four survey corps patches sewn into the inside of her jacket in a square form. "I-is it-?" Dilan whispered shakily, ghosting her fingers over the emblems. Hanji smiled sadly, squeezing her shoulder for support as a tear dripped down her face.
"It's theirs. Levi told me he got them before the bodies were dumped. He wanted you to have a piece of them with you." Hanji explained and Dilan bit her lip to muffle a sob, closing her fist around the material. She couldn't believe Levi would do something like this for her.
"H-he really did this?" Dilan asked, more tears rolling down her face. Hanji smiled and nodded, looking at something behind her shoulder and Dilan turned around to see Levi as he walked through the door, clearly wondering where she was.
Dilan dropped the bandages and the splints but kept a tight hold on the jacket as she practically threw herself at him, hugging him so tightly, she was sure it must be slightly uncomfortable. Levi tensed in surprised, clearly confused for a moment before he must have caught sight of the jacket because arms wrapped around her as he hugged her back.
"Thank you… thank you..." She whispered shakily, pressing her face into his shoulder, gripping the precious piece of material so tight her knuckles were going white.
"I'll give you some privacy." Hanji said kindly before heading out the door. Levi kissed the side of her head to comfort her before moving them over to the table so he could sit down and pull her onto his lap. Dilan continued to grip onto him with everything she had, crying into his shoulder and Levi shushed her gently.
"I know, brat. It's okay." Levi soothed, stroking her hair, letting her get it all out.
It took a minute, but Dilan managed to calm down, focusing on Levi's soothing touches and evening her breathing.
"J-just how- why- I mean, I don't-" She rambled, completely baffled and overwhelmed. How did he think to get these? Levi pulled her back slightly to wipe the tears off of her face.
"I didn't know about the bodies but even then, I thought they were going to their parents. I wanted you to have something. I planned to just give them to you, but I figured it might help today if you had a part of them with you. Yesterday you said you felt like they should be here with you. Well now they are, okay? They'll be with you today, keep you safe." Levi said softly, stroking away more tears. Dilan sniffed, swallowing down another wave of emotion. She wasn't sure it was possible for someone to be this thoughtful. He was so fucking good to her it was hard to process.
And he was right. She could feel them. They were right here, in her hands. They were here with her.
"This was okay, right?" Levi asked and Dilan didn't hesitate to answer.
"More than okay. This... this is exactly what I needed to keep me going…" Dilan sniffed, failing to get a hold of herself. Levi smiled gently in understanding, pulling her into a hug again and stroking her back while she calmed down.
After a few shaky breaths, Dilan got it together again.
"Bastard. I love you so much it hurts." She said with an emotional laugh. He made it too easy. Levi chuckled, kissing her head.
"My apologies, brat." He teased. She smiled and pulled back to lean her forehead to his.
"They'll keep me safe, Levi. You don't have to worry anymore." Dilan whispered, meaning it. Levi smiled and kissed her for a moment.
"I know they will. But I'll still worry." He added. Dilan lifted a hand to stroke his cheek.
"I know. I'll be careful, I promise." She reassured and Levi let out a small breath of relief. "You have to promise to be careful too though. Just because you're out of the main fight doesn't mean you aren't in danger. I don't want you getting shot or arrested because you talked back to a trigger-happy MP. So please, for me, if they do come at you today, let Erwin do the talking." Dilan pleaded.
Levi looked at her for a moment before nodding.
"I will." He assured. Dilan breathed out in relief, sitting back slightly to look down at her jacket, smoothing her hand over the fabric of each emblems before holding it out and sliding it on, feeling a wave of relief wash over her.
She had her family with her again.
Levi smiled at her, opening her jacket to look.
"Sorry, I don't remember which one belongs to who." He apologised, looking at the crests.
Dilan smiled, shaking her head.
"Don't be, I can tell." Dilan comforted. Levi looked at her in slight surprise, so she took a steadying breath before elaborating, she pointed to the first one. "This... this is Gunther's," She started, blinking back a sudden wave of tears, but Levi gave her a comforting look and she managed to continue, taking another breath before cracking a small smile at the memory. "I know because there's a mustard stain in the corner, there, where he tried to steal my sandwich as payback one time and ended up flinging it all over himself and the kitchen." Dilan explained with a chuckle as Levi raised an amused eyebrow.
"I don't remember that." He commented.
"That's because you weren't there obviously. We cleaned it up before you got back so you wouldn't go all clean freak on him." She teased and Levi gave her a half assed glare. Dilan let out a small laugh before continuing. "This one is Oluo. And I think it's obvious why." Dilan pointed out. Levi looked at it for a second before nodding in agreement.
"Blood from where the idiot bit his tongue." He answered and Dilan nodded. There were flecks of blood that were faded, obviously from a long time ago. Dilan could see a brighter bit of blood in the corner that seeped onto the wings, clearly fresh, but she chose to ignore that for now.
"This one's Petra's because she liked to embroider a 'P' onto her clothing, so it didn't get lost, see." Dilan pointed out the small P in the corner and Levi nodded again.
"And Eld's…" She paused, swallowing. Levi squeezed her hand for support, and it gave her the strength to continue. "It happened at the beginning of our relationship. He tried to teach me how to cook once while no one was in the inn. It didn't go well." She chuckled fondly at the memories. Levi smiled genuinely and Dilan was glad to see no jealousy in his eyes. It made her relax slightly knowing she would be able to talk about Eld from time to time with Levi, without him feeling uncomfortable.
"What happened?" He asked, stroking some hair behind her ear. Dilan bit her lip, averting her eyes.
"I may… have set myself on fire." Dilan admitted quietly and Levi's eyes went wide.
"You what?" He deadpanned. Dilan laughed, rubbing her face.
"It was an accident! I was trying to heat the stove and it wasn't working! And then it worked… too well. My arm sleeve caught on fire and Eld took off his jacket to pat it out." Dilan smiled sheepishly and Levi rolled his eyes, looking back at the crest.
"The scorch marks then." Levi deduced and Dilan chuckled, nodding. "You are never going near a stove when we get our house. You'll blow the whole fucking thing up." Levi scoffed, rolling his eyes.
"Hey! I would not! I got better!" She protested. Levi let out a puff of amusement, shaking his head.
"Sure brat." He teased. Dilan glared at him but cracked a smile soon after and sighed, leaning the side of her head on his shoulder. She closed her eyes and let out a breath of content, feeling a lot more whole than she did before. Having a piece of them with her today will get her through. She knew it would. "You okay?" Levi asked, kissing her head. Dilan hummed.
"I think so. Thank you, this really helped." She smiled. Levi smiled back.
"Good." He sighed, pleased.
There was a moment of peaceful silence before Dilan remembered something and sat up to smack him on the arm.
"Oi! What was that for?" Levi hissed, annoyed.
"For being an idiot. You were supposed to wait upstairs until I could redo your splint." Dilan retorted, getting off his lap to pick up the supplies she had dropped earlier. Levi frowned at her.
"Well I wouldn't have had to come down here if you didn't take so fucking long. I got bored." Levi huffed. Dilan chuckled at the obvious lie. He clearly got worried about her but she'd play along with his excuse.
"You are such a child sometimes." She pointed out, crouching down to gently move his leg forward. Levi glared at her.
"Say's you brat." He scoffed. Dilan rolled her eyes but said nothing else, focusing on her task.
She took off the damp bandages and splint, putting them to one side before inspecting the bruise. It looked pretty much the same, but it did look slightly less swollen in some places. Dilan had the inkling it would be looking a lot better if he wasn't constantly putting pressure on it, but didn't want to get into that fight right now.
She lined the new splint up like Mrs Billings taught her, wrapping the bandages around the wood so it would be more comfortable before going around his leg. Levi tensed and made a very subtle noise of discomfort, but Dilan noticed. She paused in what she was doing to give him a comforting look and squeeze his thigh for support which relaxed him enough for her to continue.
Once she was done, Dilan pulled down his pant leg and put the rubbish in the bin. She placed the spare splint and bandages on the side of the table, making a note to pick them up later. They had been using time here they didn't really have.
Dilan would be surprised if no one was here yet, they would have to go straight to work now. But maybe after grabbing a ration bar or something considering she didn't eat dinner and it was unlikely Levi was going to let her fight on an empty stomach. But after grabbing a bite, the day was going to move quick. Levi seemed to be thinking the same thing as he pulled her in between his legs, leaning his head into her stomach and taking one more moment. Dilan smiled and combed through his hair again, holding him to her.
They stayed like that for as long as they could before Dilan helped him up and they looked at each other.
"We'll be fine." She assured, knowing they both needed to hear it. Levi nodded in agreement, leaning down to kiss her. Dilan kissed him back and they accidently granted themselves another minute before pulling back and leaning against each other.
"I love you." Dilan whispered. Levi smiled.
"Love you too." He replied, kissing her again for a moment before pulling back and taking her hand as they walked towards the outside.
From here… the day would be out of their hands.
A/N: I'm back! It's been so long and I am so sorry for that but I promised I would never give up on this story and a promise is a promise, lol.
I've been in kind of a weird headspace these past months I've been gone. I know I opened up to you guys about it before but it got pretty bad and I knew I needed to take a break to sort myself out, even though I love this story and my readers so much, I just knew I needed a break from everything. I spent a lot of time on myself and I'm actually feeling a lot better. I started focusing on the things I love and letting go of anything that brought me sadness. It's a work in progress but I'm feeling good.
So yeah. A lots happened. I hope you can forgive me for being gone so long. Now that I'm feeling more like myself again I can finally get back to writing which is great because I honestly really missed it. As I have said before many times, writing this story is my outlet and talking with you guys and hearing from all of you really helps with stress. I hope you're all still with me, I know the posts have been very unpredictable lately but I'm really excited to post the next one. It's written, just not edited so I'll try and get that finished and posted for all of you as soon as I can.
Now enough with the personal shit. Let's talk Dilvi.
We had some angst, smut and fluff in this one. A way of wrapping up the sadness before things start moving again. Of course, they wont just get over what happened. Dilan's going to miss them for a long time but there isnt going to be much time to grieve soon so they both needed to make some decisions in this chapter.
Dilan is pretty much done with cutting. It's tempting but she doesnt get the satisfaction that she did from it anymore. It only brings her more pain and she doesnt want that. She just wants to be happy with Levi.
Thats the end goal here.
I'm sure the urges wont dissapear but it's unlikely Dilan will go down that road again. Not this time. It was a good step to decide that by herself rather than Levi just convincing her to put it down. She got the control back. She fought off her demons alone.
Hanji was a big part in this chapter, reassuring them both. She really is the glue that holds them together at times, lol. Not that they arent solid but Hanji has encouraged them together from the beggining. I wonder if they would even be here right now without her. She was the one that told Levi of his feelings in the first place. Who knows how long the stubborn bastard would have spent trying to figure it out by himself, lol.
The emblems really helped Dilan. Like her necklace, representing Farlan, the jacket now represents the squad and how even though she cant see them, they will always be there, watching over her. Keeping her safe. It was everything she needed to keep her going and Levi knew that because he knows her. God they are just so perfect, lol.
Thanks for reading guys, the next chapter is going to be packed full of action. I'm so excited to post!
And I just wanted to mention that I'm thankful to everyone that has commented in the past. Hearing your thoughts on my story and interacting with you all was one of the best things about writing this story and I am grateful to anyone who took the time to leave a comment.
Hope you're all well and staying safe! Xx
