A/N: I really have no excuse for taking this long to update...so enjoy! Haha.
/Well, my hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me
So won't you kill me?
So I die happy.../
--Dashboard Confessional
It had been a week since my disastrous date with Cedric and the, er, change in my relationship with Fred. I was still a little uncomfortable about that. Well, okay, a lot uncomfortable with that. Which is probably why I didn't think about it much. I tried to block it out as much as possible. It was pointless to try and argue the "just friends" card now, but I didn't really like to think about the alternative either. There were several reasons for this: One, I didn't want to admit that I was wrong, and two (most importantly) I didn't like to think about how my life would change. I wasn't sure how it would change, come to think of it, because I refused to think about it, but I was sure it wouldn't be anything good. I knew Angelina would tell me I was being stupid if she knew my line of thinking, but she didn't. Again, because I refused to talk about it.
Fred had seemed to sense my reluctance to talk about whatever, but he didn't seem to care. He was happy enough as it was. He didn't push the envelope at all, much to my relief; he was content just to hold my hand when he wanted to, or snuggle with me, or play with my hair, and I let him. As long as no one was around that is. I'd let up enough to let these things happen in front of our friends, but anything other than that was strictly off limits. It was interesting how these rules had originated because neither of us had spoken a word about whatever since Fred had whispered into my ear at the Three Broomsticks last Saturday.
Tonight was a Monday night, around eleven. Everyone else had gone to bed and only Fred, George, Oliver, Angelina, Lee, Alicia, and I remained in the common room. We were all gathered around the fire; George, Alicia, and Lee lying on their stomachs in front of the fireplace, laughing and joking and occasionally flirting. Angelina and Oliver were currently snogging behind the couch, and I sat in Fred's lap. He had his hands around my waist, and I was resting my head underneath his chin. He seemed perfectly at ease, joining in with the rest and remaining virtually unchanged from how he used to be, other than that he now had me in a much closer vicinity than he used to.
That was one of the things that bothered me a little. Why wasn't he afraid like I was? Why was he so completely comfortable about whatever when I couldn't even bring myself to think about it? I'd been different lately...I didn't talk as much and I rarely laughed. I didn't like that. It was mostly because I spent most of my time thinking now...thinking about trying not to think about whatever. It was annoying, and yet I didn't want to give up whatever for some reason that I also didn't want to think about. It was kind of like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.
My friends didn't say much. I think they were afraid of jinxing it. They exchanged glances sometimes when Fred kissed me on the forehead, or when we held hands but other than that they were silent. It made me feel like screaming.
The worst part about all of it was that I couldn't understand my own feelings. It was like being so overwhelmingly happy that I wanted to smile every minute of every day, but at the same time I was so uncertain and shy that all I wanted was for everything to go back to the way it used to me. Fred was a risk. He made me feel things I wasn't used to. Amazing happiness, joy, the feeling that life was beautiful...but couldn't all that be replaced by the same excess of emotion the other way? If we ever fought, I might feel like dying. I wasn't sure...I'd never really liked any of my boyfriends before. It was new. And scary.
Eventually, everyone else wandered off to bed except for Fred and me. We stretched out, and I lay my head on his chest. Thinking had made me tired. I sighed.
"You alright, Kate?" he murmured, twisting my hair around his finger.
I could feel my face crumple. "Did you just call me Kate?" I asked.
He sat up and looked down at me. "Yeah," he said, curiously. "What's wrong with that?"
"Nothing," I sighed. "It's perfect."
"Then why do you look so unhappy about it?"
I shrugged. "I don't know." I looked away.
Fred looked at me for a while. "You've been really quiet lately, Katie. Is something wrong?"
I sat up too. "What's wrong with being quiet?" I asked.
"Nothing. Except...you're usually not."
"So?" I asked, turning away.
"I just want to know if I'm doing something wrong..."
"What would you be doing wrong? There's nothing to do!"
"What are you talking about, Katie?"
"What you're not talking about! The fact that you are my best friend!"
"And you're mine...what's that got to do with anything?"
"Well, you're not acting like it!"
"Katie, what...? I thought I've been making it very clear how I feel about you."
"You're not," I said shortly. "You just told me I'm your best friend. Best friends don't hold hands or cuddle, or do any of the other things we do!"
He looked at me for a moment. "You don't think Oliver and Angelina are best friends? They do that."
I was angry and confused. I could feel the tears of frustration gathering in the corners of my eyes. I didn't like not understanding things. "What do you want from me!" I finally asked, glaring at him.
He didn't flinch at my mood, or change his countenance at all. If anything, he only looked a little saddened. "I just want you to be happy, Kate," he said. "That's all."
I frowned and walked over to where he stood. I set my head on his chest, ashamed. He wrapped his arms around me, and pulled in closer.
"I know this is confusing," he whispered. "But we can change that all right now, if you want to--"
He meant asking me out. I shook my head a little.
"I'm not ready yet," I said quietly.
He sighed. "That's what I thought," he said, a little sadly. "Will you at least tell me how you feel about me?"
I ended the embrace. I looked up into his eyes. I wanted to say something, because he looked so sad, but I didn't. I just shook my head again. I was afraid of admitting what this feeling was. I hoped he understood.
Fred nodded, resigned. "Alright, well, when you're ready...I always will be."
And we gave each other a quick hug goodnight, nervously trying to avoid the kiss that we knew would undo us both.
Sorry it's kinda short...And really dull compared to other chapters, but at least I updated right? lol. Seriously though, you're probably angry with me for this chapter, & to tell the truth I don't like it either, but I'm pretty sure I'm going somewhere with it...haha...review please )
