A/N: So here is the second part of chapter 11! I'm sorry for the long update, like I said I wanted to finish all the chapters before updating, but because it is taking longer than I thought, I'm realeasing chapter 11 now to not keep you waiting too long. The whole chapter is about Neji's realizations through his therapy, as he thinks back on it during Ino's wedding, so if it's still fuzzy in your memory, maybe a quick look of the previous chapter will help make it less confusing. I should have stamped it with dates and hours like I did for Christmas Chaos, but oh well. Maybe I'll edit it all at the end.

TW :depression, post-partum depression, suicide


When they first met

Chapter 11 : When Ino met Sakura (part 2)

At first, Neji was not even sure he would come back to Dr. Senju's office. But he had to admit, he had felt better after their talk in ways he hadn't in years, if not ever. Now, he had something he hadn't had in a long time. Faith, faith he could find his peace and allow himself some respite from his self-induced purgatory.

It was only a gleam, but it was light still.

Thus, it was not really surprising that he ended up going to a second meeting, then a third and then his fourth one, one week before Ino's wedding.

If ending up willing to go to therapy was not a shock to him, it was really befuddling when he decided to follow her advice after their first meeting and googled 'good series to cry to'. Buzzfeed gave him a collection of 25 series 'he should try right away if he wanted to bawl his eyes out.' After five seasons of binge-watching Grey's Anatomy, Neji could positively say he had effectively bawled his eyes out. Well, as much as was possible for him.

"IT WAS GEORGE ALL ALONG!" Hanabi wailed at the TV in Neji's flat in which she came weekly on Thursday nights for their Grey's anatomy marathon - that became a tradition since that first night she stopped by because she needed his help with her history lesson and saw him discreetly sob while watching the second's season finale.

"B-but, but what about his mom? What about his m-mother!?." Hinata cried harder. The other Hyuga sibling had joined quickly after being informed by Hanabi of their cousin's new habit. "It's my second time watching and this finale still gets to me." Hinata loudly blew her nose.

"How could no one…" Neji didn't finish his sentence, quickly wiping a couple of tears away.

And sure enough, the Hyuga Grey's Anatomy Thursday Marathon was very cathartic for Neji and opened him to be more in touch with his feelings. Who would have thought allowing himself to feel sadness would also open him up more to happiness? He started appreciating his cousins' presence more, chatting with them more oftenly and engaging in the discussions with his own views rather than silently listening from outside.

Which made Neji wonder if being on a survival autopilot mode all this time didn't also make him a spectator in his own life?

Also, Neji would think, Shonda Rhimes probably had issues. Some very dark and twisted issues, because no one in their right mind would write so much pain in their tv shows. But it did the trick to open up his more emotional side in a safe environment. Granted, he was not sobbing openly like his cousins at every episode. Maybe, he was more on the teary-eyed-nose-tingling side than the full-on wailing of Hanabi.

Nonetheless, it did the trick. When he'd close the doors on his cousins bidding them goodnight, he'd feel as if he had warmed his sensibility muscles and was now ready for some emotional flexibility. It still didn't come naturally to face his past grievances, but he pushed himself a bit further each time. He'd shed a few tears reminiscing about some of the things he had tried to avoid thinking about over the years: his mother, his father and their relationship, how things had evolved with Tenten, some life decisions he took along the way.

Though he knew even when he would eventually stop repressing his emotions, he wouldn't be the type to cry. It just wasn't who he was, but he now at least didn't see his tears as a weakness but as newfound bravery.

Still, one thing he could not foresee was how owning his own vulnerability would allow others to do the same.

"Tenten told me she loved me and I said nothing back." He once said out of the blue while he was running on a treadmill next to Sasuke who was doing the same.

The jet-black-haired man nearly tripped over his feet at the sudden confession.

At that moment, Neji thought this was a mistake. What a ridiculous thing to say, this was just too awkward.

But Sasuke clapped his shoulder and squeezed it.

"It took me two years to say the words," Sasuke admitted back. "It'll come when it'll come."

"Yeah, but Sakura stayed," Neji replied back and regretted it instantly. He didn't mean for it to come out that way.

Sasuke gave his friend a side glance, before slowing his pace to a brisk walk on the treadmill. "Well," He started unsurely. "She did leave a few times, in fact."

That day, after Sasuke and he went for a smoothie at the place downstairs to continue their talk on the L-word, Neji realized something so silly and simple, yet unknown to him at that time.

"It's like allowing myself to be vulnerable around others also made it possible for others to be vulnerable with me." He told Tsunade at their third meeting after his talk with Sasuke. "I guess, and it's very silly because it had never occurred to me before, but I guess that's how you create more intimacy with people. I never realized how much distance I kept with friends I thought I was close to."

Tsunade had nodded and he was certain her eyes gleamed with pride. "That's a great realization to make, Neji. And it's not silly to have not realized it sooner. To allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we need to feel safe. But from a young age, you've always been in survival mode, suppressing your feelings because you were needed. Your sense of duty, you taking care of your cousins, your very mature thinking for such a young age, it all leads to a pattern. Do you see where I'm going with this?"

Neji blinked. "No, not really."

"The understanding will come in due time. So what are you going to do differently?" She asked instead.

Neji blinked. "Well, obviously, I'm not becoming Dr. Phil overnight, but I've been working on trying to communicate more some of my...emotional needs, you can say."

"That is a very good goal. Maybe we could work on some communication strategies this session?"

"Yes, we could do that."

"Great," Tsunade fetched the papers piled on her desk. "Ha!" She exclaimed, pulling a sheet from a messy pile. "Have you ever heard of non-violent communication?"

"Does not ring a bell."

"It's something that can help you name some needs so you could communicate them, but also understand other people's needs they are trying to communicate with you. Let's give it a try, shall we?"

Tsunade had pulled a list of needs and asked him to circle those he felt he needed the most. That is how Neji understood that his needs for structure, consistency, peace of mind, was in fact an overall need for security. Something in him quivered at the realization that outside of his friendship with Tenten, he had never truly felt safe around others.

It was even more surprising to realize how many of the needs he listed were actually a need for connection. He had always thought himself detached from the need to form strong and deep bonds with others. Harmony, acceptance, forgiveness, trust, they were all things he wanted from others and one more than others actually.

It was one of their Thursday night, the night just before his fourth session with Dr. Senju, and Hinata had come to Neji's apartment earlier to help him prepare the food they would snack on.

"Where's the coriander?" She asked her cousin while rummaging through his fridge.

"Oh, no." Neji put down the paprika he was seasoning the quartered fingerling potatoes with. "I completely forgot it." He gave her an apologetic look, he knew how much Hinata cared for the fresh herb in her guacamole. 'Limes not lemons, with fresh coriander, it's what ties it all together.' She would always say.

Hinata chuckled. "I'll text Hanabi to bring some on her way. Did you forget another life-essential ingredient like the tzatziki for the roasted potatoes or..?"

Neji threw the towel over his shoulder and gave her a stern look. "Of course I did not forget the tzatziki."

"You have bought the corn tortillas?" She asked over her shoulders while looking through the grocery bags on the kitchen table.

"Yes."

"The cheeses?" She verified, turning to him.

"Yes, and the bread is in the freezer…" He reassured. "...and yes the wine is in the cooler, Hinata." He added when he saw her eyes widen with worry. Wine has been an absolute must for the new mother since she stopped being pregnant.

"I have one night off duty a week." She reminded her cousin. "It's a precious night, that cannot be wasted on an empty wine glass."

Neji chuckled. "So how is Naruto handling the Thursday Solo-dad thing?"

Hinata laughed while opening the freezer to take the focaccia out. "It was hard at first." She admitted.

Neji nodded, remembering how they repeatedly had to pause through their Grey's Anatomy sixth-season watching during the whole month of October because Naruto kept calling every twenty minutes, asking Hinata for tips on bottle-feeding, diapers-changing and sleep-inducing proven methods.

"But now he is like a super dad and I think it has been good for him to have some alone time to bond with Boruto." She acknowledged, eying Neji's freezer with her critical new mom's eyes.

Neji gave an agreeing sound. Indeed, Naruto had only called once last week, when they had binge-watched the entire eight-season during the thanksgiving weekend. Which was a good thing, because that season finale had him sobbing uncharacteristically more than the others and that did not escape his cousins' notice.

"Oh! You brought ice cream! Ben&Jerry's nonetheless..." She gave her cousin a sly grin. "Half-baked, great, that's our favourite! And…" She raised a brow at her cousin's curious choice of frozen dessert. "Cherry Garcia?"

He shrugged trying to avoid her quizzical glance. "It has its charms."

"So, ready for season nine after that epic airplane crash finale?" Hinata stole a quick glance at her cousin to see how he was coping.

Neji sighed, knowing where she was heading with this. "Yeah."

"Cause you seemed pretty shaken up last week after it ended." She hinted at what she'd like him to elaborate on.

Neji closed the oven after finishing to turn over the potatoes and turned around, leaning on the kitchen counter to face his unusually meddling cousin.

"Yeah, I guess…" He sighed again. "I guess I kind of projected a bit what happened…." He paused. "What's happening with Tenten and I over…"

"Lexi and Mark?" Hinata asked incredulous, her eyebrows shooting upwards.

Neji nodded, a bit embarrassed, but in a way proud that something he would not have noticed months ago, probably wouldn't have been able to name and even less share so casually with his cousin; now came as almost-easy, food-making discussion material.

"Yeah, I don't know." He said while pouring down the tzatziki in a small bowl. "It felt as if seeing Lexi die was seeing Tenten die."

Hinata slowly nodded while arranging cheese and charcuterie on the wooden board. "But why them? If anything you strike me more as an Owen and Teddy sorta thing."

Now it was Neji's turn to frown. "Owen and Teddy? But Owen is with Christina."

Hinata couldn't help but laugh, if someone had told her months ago she'd be debating on which Grey's Anatomy couple Neji identified his relationship with Tenten the most, she would not have only laughed but also checked up on their need to seek professional help.

Before either one could continue the conversation, the door opened and Hanabi came storming in with grocery bags.

"I bought the coriander." She said down the hall, taking her coat and boots off. "Also brought basilic."

Hinata gave an exasperated look at Neji. "I thought we agreed no caprese salad this time and to have guacamole and Pico de Gallo with corn chips instead."

"No," Hanabi countered. "You two decided that. I'm making the caprese for myself, it's my comfort food."

Neji shook his head amused, Hanabi was probably the only Konoha resident whose comfort food was sliced tomatoes, basilic and mozzarella with balsamic vinegar.

"Plus," She continued, taking out the tomatoes and washing them. "My Econ 302 teacher has been a hardass on me since I argued the C+ he gave me for my mid-term essay."

"Your economics and government policy classes? You had C plus there?" Neji asked indignantly. Not only because Hanabi has never been graded below an A-minus but also because he was the one that reviewed, for the third time, her essay and it was mind-blowing.

"Yes," The younger Hyuga rolled her eyes. "He said my analysis of the systemic sexism impeding women to have fairer wages and more purchasing power was rooted in an incomprehension on my part of women's psyche and their choice to go for lower-paying jobs."

"That old little decrepit misogynistic swine," Hinata swore which startled both Hanabi and Neji.

"Right?" Hanabi agreed. "When I took two whole pages to explain how society and government policies participated in undervaluing traditionally women-dominated jobs like nursing or teaching because historically they were women-dominated jobs."

"Your essay was very convincing," Neji said firmly. "And I don't say this lightly. Did you ask for a reevaluation?"

"I did," The younger one said proudly. "And Kurenai-sensei gave me an A-plus, which had to be debated at a faculty meeting and finally granted this week. Since then, the teacher has made my life a living hell, but it's okay. Me and this fine heaven-sent herb," She stopped to take a long-drawn-out sniff of the basilic leaves. "Will manage just fine. So, what was I interrupting when I entered?"

"Neji just admitted he projected his feelings of Tenten on Lexi." Hinata said while taking a bite of the brie she was slicing in wedges.

"What? Why?" Hanabi almost shouted. "If anything, I'd say Owen and Teddy…."

"That's what I said!" Hinata piped in.

"Yeah, like, you definitely have the whole..."

She stopped herself just in time from spoiling him that in about six seasons Owen and Teddy would complete their best-friends-to-lovers storyline and finally end their miscommunication-going-out-with-the-wrong-person trope.

"Nevermind." She said instead. "Why Lexi?"

Neji shrugged, slicing the now warm and toasty bread. "It started with her eyes, they're just so earnestly brown."

Hanabi raised her eyebrows and gave a look to Hinata who couldn't help her small laugh. "Earnestly brown? I am really liking this improved version of you, brother. Please go on."

Neji rolled his eyes. "I don't know I guess it's also how they always tip-toe around each other and it's always the wrong time for one of them so they can never meet halfway, it just never seems to work out and what he never got to tell her and then she's gone… Oh, please stop that." He said when his cousins dropped whatever they were cutting to come and hug him.

"Just," He grunted trying to wiggle out of their arms, but damn those women had a vice-like grip. "Ok, fine." He finally allowed, defeated.

"If anything, I'm sure Tenten is super unhappy with Deidara," Hanabi mumbled through Neji's shirt.

Neji couldn't be certain, but he could have sworn he sensed Hinata pinch Hanabi while he was looking at the ceiling waiting for them to free him from this bones-crushing hug.

"Anyway," Hanabi quickly changed the subject, releasing him with Hinata from their tight embrace. "As I said, you really don't give me Mark and Lexi vibes. Definitely Owen and Teddy."

Hinata nodded. "Or Harvey and Donna!"

"Oh!" Hanabi exclaimed. "Yes, I definitely see it."

"Harvey and Donna?" Neji asked confused.

"It's from another show, Suits," Hinata explained. "You'd like it, it's all about corporate law."

"You're definitely a Harvey." Hanabi said. Down to the mommy issues, she thought but knew better than to let her unruly mouth ramble on.

"Maybe we could watch it once we're done with Grey's." He offered his cousins. "We could need something to continue our Thursday tradition during the winter."

"The winter?" Hinata asked perplexed. "Neji… just how many seasons do you think are left in Grey's for us to be done by winter?" She raised a brow.

"I don't know, like two?" He said unsure.

Hanabi burst out laughing. "Bro, they just got cleared for a sixteenth and seventeenth season. Boruto will have time to graduate and get married, and we'll still be watching Meredith Grey ignoring her feelings because she thinks that makes her strong."

"Anyway," The youngest sibling put her Caprese salad on the living room's table. "Don't start without me, I'm going to go take a quick shower if you don't mind."

Of course, Neji had nothing to say about it and Hanabi knew it as she didn't wait for him to reply before grabbing her stuff and entering the bathroom down the hall. She had practically moved into the guest bedroom. Granted, his condo was way closer to Konoha University than the Hyuga House. Furthermore, Neji really appreciated Hanabi's company, her clumsy boyfriend a little less he had to admit, mostly since he broke one of his mugs during one of their late-night studying. But overall, Neji was used to Konohamaru's presence. After all, the boy had officially been his little cousin's boyfriend since their first year of high school and Neji couldn't deny that he was a good lad.

Neji would often feel overwhelmingly nostalgic while looking at the pair studying through the wee hours of the morning for their upcoming exams. He couldn't help but think back on when he and Tenten used to be seated in the very same way. How oddly time flowed that it felt just yesterday that he'd explain linear algebra to Tenten and her mother would put a plate of cut fruits in front of them? When did he stop being the boy laughing over history book with the girl he had crushed on forever to become the adult standing in the kitchen offering young students snacks?

To Neji, time moved in strange ways, in relative ways to things and people. Sometimes it slipped his finger at a dizzying speed making him anxious about all the things he felt he didn't know he was missing and would miss once it was too late. And other times, it stretched to infinity, making him think of wasted opportunities and what felt like a lifetime of mistakes; of never being at the right place and always at the wrong time.

"I'm sure one day you'll be able to express how you feel to Tenten-chan." Hinata's soft voice took him out of his musings.

He said nothing to that because the truth is even with all the progress he made, he was still not ready to even imagine sharing feelings he had yet to admit to himself. But at the moment, he knew there was something else he was ready to face.

"I'm sorry." He finally spat out.

"Because of the coriander?" Hinata was confused by the ardent tone of his voice over a forgotten grocery item.

"No," He brought out the wine and uncorked it. "About the…" He took a deep breath, putting the alcohol bottle back on the counter. "About the way I treated you when we were teenagers."

"Oh, Neji," Hinata whispered. "It has been long forgiven and forgotten." She reassured him.

He shook his head. "Yeah, because you were nice and graceful when I didn't deserve it. I've been thinking about it and I never told you, but I had never been more scared than that time they had to take you to that rehab center when you lost so much weight. I'm sorry I was too wrapped up in my own things to notice. I'm sorry I contributed to it by how cruel I was to you. I-I meant none of those things. You were not weak and it was not your fault and…"

"Neji, I know." Hinata interrupted him, pressing gently her hand on his arm to calm him. "I know." She insisted. "I did not forgive you before I was nice, I forgave you because you were."

He found her wide teary eyes looking up at him, her usually calm and clear ivory eyes now fogged by murky waters of stirred-up memories floating up the surface.

"We were just kids." She shrugged as helplessly as he felt. "We were just kids trying to make sense out of everything that was happening to us. I lost my mother, then you lost yours. Then our dads were working overtime to fulfill the expectations of grandpa, who probably neglected them so much they had to fight their every daily urge just not to reproduce that intergenerational trauma." She took a deep breath. "None of that was on you. Yes, you were at times very atrocious and said hurtful things."

She tightened her grip on his arm. "But you also made sure Hanabi and I always had our lunches ready before school. When I got bullied at school you'd go scare them from harassing me again. You braided Hanabi's hair in the morning and you sewed Mr. Fluffy back when it tore down in the washing machine."

Neji smiled remembering Hinata's favourite teddy bear she couldn't sleep without well into her fifteenth year.

"There were many things that pushed me towards unhealthy eating behaviour. My mom was very strict on what I could eat before she died, always telling me I needed to be less chubby if I wanted to 'grow pretty and be liked by boys'. In her mind, she was trying to protect me but it left scars. Then my ballet teacher was always making comments on my posture because I was more on the curvier side than the others and Kin was insulting me because of that."

She took a pause, hesitantly continuing with the hard truth. "Yes, you and dad added a coat to it." She admitted. "But it takes a whole society to break a woman's mind, and I'm happy I got help before it broke me for good. And my recovery was made so much easier because you and dad became so present and caring afterwards. So yes, we fucked up. There isn't a single day I don't feel bad because, deep down, I still blame myself for your mom's passing-"

"You shouldn't." He swiftly cut in.

"I know that now. I'm more mature and giving birth to Boruto also made me realize so many things. But that's the thing I'm trying to tell you." Her eyes dug deeper into his. "We were kids and didn't know much and we managed as we could. You manage as you could. Because, Neji, the reason I got to stay 'sweet' and 'gentle' and 'caring' as people say, it's because when it mattered, you sheltered Hanabi and me. You kept the big bad world away, you shouldered it, so we could still be children without all the adult worries you made your own."

"Hinata…" He tried to form a sentence but his throat was too tight.

"We," Her bottom lip trembled. "We got a childhood because of you. And I'm sorry I never told you how grateful I was for you during some of the worst years of my life."

Neji wordlessly nodded and brought his cousin in for a hug, overcome with so many emotions, tears of relief from years worth of guilt finding release and being replaced by the sweet appreciation his cousin was showing him.

Hinata was sobbing against him when Hanabi came rushing out of the shower, her hair dripping wet, leaving droplets on the kitchen's ceramic floor.

"I know," She raised her forefinger in an admonishing manner. "I know you two did not just have a cute sobby moment while I was missing all the action in the shower."

She threw her arms in the air exasperatedly. "I can't believe I have waited my whole life for a cute Hyuga siblings heart-to-heart moment and y'all didn't wait for me."

Hinata chuckled and Neji smiled at her.

"You're always so dramatic." He said to his cousin, opening one arm so she could fit in the embrace. Which she gladly did, running to his extended arm and wrapping her arms around him as if she was afraid he would change his mind. She started sniffing as soon as his arm enclosed her.

"And I agree with Hinata by the way." Hanabi let out in between two sobs. "Thank you for taking care of us."

"You were listening to us?" Hinata said through her cries.

"Well, obviously." The youngest said matter-of-factly, her high-pitched crying voice matching her sister's. "Never did I speed through a shower so fast in my life." She looked up to glare at the man holding them. "I blame you if I have build-up conditioner residue and my hair looks flat."

Neji laughed and Hanabi took a step back to swat his arm.

"And stop saying we're your cousins." She let out, finally voicing something that had been heavy on her mind for a few years now.

"Yeah," Hinata agreed, leaving Neji's side to wipe her tears.

Neji's arms fell limp by his sides while he blinked, lost, at his cousins' odd demand. "What else would I call you?"

Hanabi huffed.

"For us," Hinata smiled. "You're our nii-san."

"When asked, we always say you're our big brother. But you," Hanabi pointed an accusatory finger at him. "You always say we're cousins as if we haven't grown in the same house and had the same dads since we were born. As if you didn't google 'how to explain menstruations to your daughter' when I was thirteen and Hinata wasn't home while I got my first periods."

Neji blinked some more, completely at a loss as to why this reflection never crossed his mind. Why he had never noticed the discrepancy between how he talked about his cousins when they thought of him as a brother. Why did he never even think of calling them sisters?

If you always avoid feeling sadness, you avoid opportunities of being comforted and loved and made feel safe. I guess for someone who doesn't think he deserves love, that makes sense.

"I guess," Neji ventured. "I guess I never felt I deserved to call you sisters."

"What kind of absolue bull-"

"Language Hanabi." Hinata threw her little sister a stern glare. "We don't know why you ever felt like that, nii-san, but we really hope you'll stop believing this."

"I think we should finally watch that ninth season, the potatoes are going to be all cold." Neji suddenly turned around and busied himself by bringing the wine bottle to the living room.

"Oh for fuck's sake." He grumbled after he put down the wine on the table and felt his sisters trapping him in another hug. "I think that's enough hugging for the night." He raised his eyes to the ceiling. "Actually, I think we hugged more this evening than all the last ten years combined."

"Yes," Hanabi said pointedly. "And that's problematic."

And as they settled down on his sofa and pressed play, Neji's mind was still fuzzy and kept rethinking about some of the things that were said to him.

We could still be children without all the adult worries you made your own.

We got a childhood because of you.

Thank you for taking care us.

Your sense of duty, you taking care of your cousins, your very mature thinking for such a young age, it all leads to a pattern. Do you see where I'm going with this?

I chase you all the time, and I'm out of breath.

Every time I hold you I lose you.

You avoid opportunities of being comforted and loved and made feel safe. I guess for someone who doesn't think he deserves love, that makes sense.

Neji couldn't sleep that night, tossing and turning around. Remembering things he completely forgot about his younger age. His actions, his behaviour he had never questioned before, some things he now looks differently at.

"I didn't have a childhood." He said in a definitive tone, almost slamming Dr. Senju's door into the wall when he entered abruptly her office.

The startled expression of his psychiatrist quickly transformed into an appraising glance and a speck of pride.

Tsunade calmly looked at her watch over her morning coffee than at the unusual fiery entrance of her most collected patient. "Well, good morning to you too, Neji. Two minutes early from our appointment, but I don't mind. We can start now."

Neji explained the discussion he had with his cousins yesterday and Tsunade listened carefully, nodding at some of his reflections, offering supportive smiles and jotting down some of the expressions he used to describe his epiphany.

"I am so glad you came to this realization," Tsunade smiled warmly at him. "Because I thought it was crucial you didn't without me voicing it in your stead. We have a specific name for that in the field, we call it 'Adultification' and it is often present with children who suffered neglect."

"I know." She rushed to add when his features became indignant. "That you have both a very loving and present father and uncle. But I think that in the beginning of your childhood it wasn't always the case. Neglect can come from very good parents and well-intentioned parents who get overworked and overwhelmed by certain situations. I have been working with a patient whose mother, after their father had died, used to work two-three jobs to make ends meet and as a big sister she took it upon herself to help her younger siblings when their mother was away. It's not that the mother was neglectful per say, but she was in a bind and her daughter had to take-on adult responsibilities before her age to help out at home."

Tsunade waited a bit to assess Neji's reaction and when she saw he was listening carefully, she continued. "I think with your mother you suffered a great deal of emotional neglect. Although it was widely compensated with your uncle and father, who most of the time did a great job of raising you and your siblings. But I believe those two months after your mother died, where your father was overwhelmed with his grief and your uncle was working double to compensate; you were left to your own devices and you had to step up to the role of a parent for your cousins. That shaped something in your personality that stayed. This sense of duty, this need for perfection, it all boils down to something. You remember what you said to be the first meeting?" She asked rhetorically. "You said when Tenten left for Suna that you deserved it because you 'fucked up'."

Neji nodded slowly. "I think I always perceived perfection was the only path to be deserving of love."

"Yes," Tsunade appraised, excited at her patient's advancement. "Why do you think so?"

The dark-haired man took some time to think it over. "It was pretty much the relationship I had with my mother. Our only conversations were the ones during that brief moment I'd come back home from school and tell her about my day."

He paused, revealing his thoughts still came with difficulty, but at least without any reluctance to it.

"I had this idea," He continued. "That if I performed well enough she would be happy, and I'd break her bubble of sadness."

His eyes fogged up. "Sometimes it worked. Sometimes she smiled a bit brighter, sometimes she'd reach her hand to hug me." He shrugged helplessly. "Every perfect score. Every won games. Every first place in a swimming competition. It gave me bits of her affection."

The psychiatrist nodded. "You also received a lot of validation from other people." She added to his reflection. "Your father, your uncle, your sisters, even your best friend. They all praise you for your intelligence, your successes, your discipline and hard work."

"Who am I, if not a genius." Neji sarcastically thought aloud, more to himself than the woman in front of him.

"It becomes a part of your identity and I think it would be good for us to work on deconstructing this idea of perfection you hold." She finished.

Neji nodded to her proposal.

"So far, we have not talked about how you perceive that you have 'killed your mother'. I followed your lead and we dealt with what you wanted to bring on the table, which has been going great so far." She reached out for her glass of water, a bit nervous because even though the trust linking her to her patient was now much stronger than at the beginning, with someone like Neji it was still frail. "But I think this session, it would be crucial to finally dive into that."

Neji nodded slowly, but advanced no reply, leaving Tsunade on the edge of her seat just like she was during their very first session.

After a moment, Neji sighed and decided to agree with Dr. Senju. It was time to address this truth that had haunted him for too long. It had broken his heart how distant Hinata and Hanabi had thought him to be all those years when he had nothing but the purest affection for the two. It also did bring a form of comfort he hadn't had in years, if not ever, to have your family show you such love and support without restraint. He wondered what kind of other types of affection and comfort he had denied himself for so long.

"It was maybe half a year after my mother passed away," Neji began, pausing to take a sip of water. "My father was now almost back to normal, he would still be sad from time to time, but he had come back to his usual functioning and there were days he would be happy just like he was before."

Tsunade nodded to encourage him to continue.

"We were cleaning out my mother's things," Neji said, stopping himself just in time to fidget with his fingers. "And while my uncle was folding clothes and my father was triaging pictures, I was tasked to shred papers. It was pretty much meaningless stuff I barely understood at ten years old, but I was so eager to get a glimpse of who she was that I tried to read it. But most of them meant nothing. Some prescriptions I couldn't understand, some bank statements, some whole working contracts for theatre companies. Old identification papers or corporate letters, well nothing that gave me any insight on who she was, which did not surprise me, since my father and uncle had already sorted out the pile I was shredding."

The Hyuga heir took another pause, this time his lips resting over the rim of his cup. He was not really thirsty but he needed to recollect his thoughts and Tsunade thought it better to let him go at his rhythm. After all, even if he made it look like he was simply discussing the weather, she knew him to be extremely agitated. This was his utmost fear, his darkest secret he was baring in front of her. She was persuaded that like many of his other patients, Neji had distorted an event so he could make sense of it, like many children do. But to be able to restructure his flawed comprehension of a past event, she needed him to describe it to her. It was probably the quintessential quest of this therapy journey for him, and her role was the most crucial now to bring this truth on the table once and for all.

"But I think they must have forgotten one document they had overlooked." Neji continued after deposing his undrunk glass of water on the table separating them. "There was a medical record for my mother's insurance company so she could have paid leave per the agreement of whatever acting contract she got at that moment."

"What did the medical record say?" Tsunade gently guided him back to the conversation after a long moment of silence..

"It said my mother had postpartum depression." He finally said.

Immediately, Tsunade's expression became wary, all the light bulbs in her brain flaring out in understanding what Neji meant when he said he killed his mother. She'd have to navigate carefully the maze he had trapped himself in, in the elaborate tale he probably weaved to give meaning to the sudden death of his mother.

"What does that mean to you?" Tsunade asked carefully.

Neji gave her a blank look. "I remember going to the library with my uncle soon after and researching the term in a psychiatry book."

"At ten-years-old?" Tsunade asked, astonished.

The man shrugged. "I didn't understand everything, but I understood the essentials. It's a sort of depression pregnant women can get during or after their pregnancies. In other words, I am the reason my mother had such a severe depression that for a decade she couldn't get out of bed."

"Neji…" Dr Senju tried to intervene.

"She died because of me." He cut her off sharply, firmly refusing any kind of compassion she might have shown him. "My mother was so hopelessly depressed that she took her own life and I was at the origin of her depression. It all started because of me and it all ended with me."

Tsunade let the silence weight in the room, wanting to give him the space to elaborate on his last cryptic sentence.

"It was no coincidence that she planned her death with my coming back to school." Neji said, fixing her indigo vase to avoid looking at her. His blank staring filling up with tears, the bouquet becoming a blurry impressionist picture through his watery eyes. "She waited for me to come back home and she did it. She wanted me to know that I did this to her, that I made her the way she was. That I took everything from her."

Tsunade frowned. "What do you mean by taking everything away from her?"

His steady voice was betrayed by the slight tremble of his bottom lip. "It never made sense to me how my father described meeting my mother. He always described her as a flamboyant, incredible, fiery woman. How nothing could stop her. How she could enter a club full of gentlemen, politicians, of the richest men of the country, and make them feel so little in their shoes. He always talked about her in ways I never saw, to the point I always dissociated who my mother was and who my father's wife was. Then it hit me. I changed her. I made her the woman I had only ever known. The sad, desperate mass of skeletons that lurked beneath covers. Her pregnancy threw her whole future away, her plans, her acting career, her self-image. She couldn't find herself in the motherhood I trapped her in. And day after day, I grew up while she died little by little."

Neji stopped, trying to gather his bearings together, but he was bursting at the seams of the last thin layer holding him up together.

"Neji," Tsunade finally swallowed after being sure he had finished unravelling the thread of his thinking completely. "There are many elements I'd like us to question and deconstruct together. But our session is rapidly coming to an end, so let me say this one thing. We tend to use guilt as a way to hold onto things we are not ready to let go of. Your mother's sudden departure and the way she chose to go has been a horrifying trauma you had to go through.

"Minds are beautiful machines whose sole purpose is self-preservation. It will stop at nothing to make us feel safer, from denial to rewriting some memories so they fit the narrative it builds to comfort and protect us. I think your mind tried so hard to convince you that you were at fault for your mother's death because the alternative was worse than the lie you've told yourself. It is better to think you did something wrong than to admit you had no control over a situation that caused your abandonment. When you blame yourself you avoid feeling powerless, you can rationalize that it won't happen again if you avoid making the same mistake. And for you, because you couldn't understand the exact mistake you made - because in the end, you made none-, you rationalized the only solution was absolute perfection. That your ticket to deserving love and safety was flawlessness."

Tsunade eyed warily her patient who seemed to be absorbing all her words.

"You need to understand," She pressed each of her words. "Postpartum depression normally only lasts up to a few months after the pregnancy. Your mother's mood was not your responsibility even during her postpartum depression, but I can assure you it was not what made her who she was during your childhood nor the reason why she ultimately did what she did."

The doctor took note of Neji's changing expression. Confronting patients was always a risky business. Either it helped them have a new perspective on things, or it shunned them even more in their feelings of being misunderstood and that's when it got tricky. It was like trying to get a ball back from under the bed, either your movement was accurate enough to bring it back or you ended up pushing it even further out of your grasp, back into a dusty corner where you'll need some extreme measures to get it back.

As always, Neji's expression was almost impossible to read, but from the slight shift of grey in his eyes, Tsunade had the impression she had hit her mark, which was just in time for the end of their session.

"Neji, for our next session, I think it vital for you to discuss it with your father." Tsunade suggested. "I could not stress how important it is for you to talk about your perceptions with someone that can actually give you the clarity and maybe the beginning of closure you need."

Even if he wanted to protest, Neji couldn't. Because he was a smart one, and only a fool could continue to argue with Dr Senju, mostly when the past months had proven him time and time again he would always be wrong when she was right.

oOo

"I now pronounce you husband and wife."

Neji almost physically shook his head. He had almost forgotten where he was until the priest concluded Ino's and Sai's wedding ceremony and everyone started clapping at the happy couple.

He smiled fondly at his friends and Ino's moving tears of joy as she cupped the cheeks of the man she adored, her grin, pearly white and dazzling from the unadulterated extase she was feeling.

Involuntarily his eyes found mahogany ones that looked at him intently before darting away from him quickly. How he had missed this cacao filled stare gliding over him, as if it could read its features like fingers could read braille.

He tore his gaze away before it could confuse him furthermore. It was not his intention to avoid her, but seeing her with someone still hurt too much. He was still trying to compose with the eventful past months he had gone through. Even if healing was liberating, it was also energy consuming and he could now better understand why she thought they needed the space from one another to figure out things. Well, mostly him. Tenten was all set.

He just hoped she wasn't definitely set without him.

oOo

Neji exhaled one last time looking around the reception room where Ino and Sai were going from one table to another. He was just next to Kiba. He had tore his ear off about his new fiancé and their newly adopted cat that did not get along with Akamaru at all.

Even though he couldn't find a single interesting thing about the psyche of domestic animals and the tricks to make them behave, Neji made sure to listen actively and offer supportive comments to his friend enthusiastic explanation.

After, if he had survived the turmoil that was his personal life recently, it was because his friends had been a trusted and reliable support system. He had never known how much they were there to catch him until he trusted to let himself fall over, losing the control he maintained with steeled energy over his emotions.

Every awkward but heartfelt hug, clap on the back, phone call to check up on him felt at first suffocating because he was not usually on the receiving end of that much affection, mostly from his male friends. Yet, he had to admit that overall he was grateful they did, he was grateful they outgrew that outdated view of masculinity and indulged more in vulnerability and shows of affection. Even though he didn't like much physical touch, from time to time he appreciated the gesture.

Even Tenten had been present in their own unsure, clumsy way. They kept calling each other every week. Sometimes it was her, sometimes it was him. Their conversation never went too deep, but for both of them it held a certain meaning that they still couldn't let go of each other. To what extent could Neji interpret this since she was involved with someone, he didn't know, but he knew his own heart still leaped whenever her picture appeared on his screen.

"So we tried this new trick to get Akamaru to chill with the new cat and -"

"Mind if I cut in?" Sakura smiled at Kiba.

"Not at all," He smiled. "I was about to go check in on Shino." He gave her a hidden thumbs up that Neji easily spotted with Kiba's lack of subtlety.

The long-haired man bit down a smile once their friend departed. "I know what you are all trying to do." He said looking at the amber liquid he was swirling in his half-drunk glass.

"You do?" Sakura exclaimed and Neji looked up just in time to catch her shocked and apprehensive face.

He nodded. "You're trying to make sure I'm not left alone, but I assure you that I am perfectly fine."

Sakura's features quickly softened with a small smile. "We just really care about you."

"And I appreciate that," He put his glass down and looked seriously at his friend. "But I don't need to babysit me."

Sakura slowly nodded. "I'm sorry if us hovering over you makes you feel infantilized." She chewed her lip. "But it's really out of our control, we are really invested."

The pink-haired woman was about to continue but was stopped by her friend and bride of the day. "I don't think you realize what your relationship with Tenten meant to many of us." Ino said with all the seriousness in the world as she sat down next to Sakura, facing him.

Neji was clearly confused at this so Sakura decided to pursue. "What Ino-pig means is that when we were teenagers…"

"And still fangirling over Sasuke," Ino interjected.

"And fangirling over Sasuke," Sakura agreed. "We had completely lost touch of what we had based our friendship on in the first place. We became enemies over a boy."

"Thankfully times have changed." The blonde woman continued to pepper her friend's speech with her comments here and there.

"Yes," Sakura ignored the interruption. "And for maybe a couple years in high school we not only stopped being friends but we actively hated each other."

"What do Tenten and I have to do with that?" The Hyuga asked, still confused.

"You made us realize what true love looked like." Ino said bluntly.

The pinkette sighed. "Yes, Ino-pig, I was getting there." She rolled her eyes. "I think it was at some point during lunch time. You and Tenten you were just laughing and talking in the corner and you looked at her with eyes… Gosh, I can't even explain it."

"It was so soft like you found safe haven or magic bottled up just for your eyes to see." Ino supplied.

"Yes, like you had everything you needed right there and then." Sakura recalled. "And then Ino and I both looked at each other over the opposite sides of the table. It was so crazy, that we both caught this moment at the same time and immediately shared a look we could comprehend."

Ino smiled fondly at Sakura and put her hand over her friend's. Sakura returned the same affectionate smile and squeezed her hand back.

"It really made us miss each other." Ino explained, her voice wrought with emotions. "It made us realize true love was not your silly crush returning your feelings," She threw a look at Sakura. "Sometimes true love was just your best friend all you needed in the whole fucking world."

Sakura's smile grew wider. "Sometimes true love is just platonic, like the safety of knowing someone could unconditionally love you no matter what because not only can you trust them with your darkest parts but you know they trust you with yours."

"She's my person." Ino concluded softly, looking at Sakura.

"She's my person." Sakura agreed with a small shaky chuckle.

Neji shifted in his seat. "Aren't you marrying Sai? Did I zone out that much during the ceremony?"

Ino threw him a disbelieving look before allowing herself to laugh along with her friend. Who knew Neji could make funny jokes?

"Yes, but that's the thing." Ino said, linking her arm with Sakura. "We realized that it wasn't about romance. Love is about acceptance, loyalty, safety, being seen and validated, sharing and going through things together. That we were looking for things with someone who couldn't care less about us, and by doing so, sacrificed the truest love we ever had until that point."

Sakura opened her mouth to conclude her friend's speech but Neji beat her to it. "If you say 'Each other' to complete her speech, I'll vomit."

Ino bit down a laugh that came out as a snort. Neji was definitely funnier thanks to therapy.

"Fine we won't." Sakura laughed. "You get the point. Plus, not only did that help bury the hatchet and find each other back. But it also helped us with both Sasuke and Sai."

"I finally stopped deluding myself with Sasuke and that's how I finally was open to meeting other people. Sai came into the picture a few weeks after and because I was friends again with Sakura, I got to meet the second love of my life."

"Oh, he knows." Ino added casually when she saw Neji raise his eyebrows.

"And I realized I gave too many excuses to Sasuke. Always thought he was cold because of his personality but you have about the same personality as him. When I saw you with Tenten, I just knew I had to raise my standards concerning him. When he saw me pull back that's when he made more efforts and the rest is history."

"All in all," Ino snapped his attention back. "We all owe you and Tenten a little bit. Shikamaru got to meet Temari because of Tenten, Naruto met Hinata because of you and us, well, we just told you our story. So you need to understand that we don't simply care because you're our friends and we're sad to see you sad."

"It's also painful for us to get our happy endings and not be able to see you guys get yours." Sakura shrugged, concluding their impromptu intervention.

"Well," Neji said after a moment of silence and the two pairs of eyes glued on him, waiting for his slightest reaction. "I certainly appreciate the sentiments." He said getting up, gulping down in one shot the remaining alcohol in his glass. "But I think you stretched it a little bit thin."

Ino was about to reply indignantly, but Sakura stopped her, sensing it wouldn't convince him in any case.

"Congratulations again Ino," Neji smiled while looking at the message he had just received. "It was a lovely wedding."

"But, it was all true." He heard Ino's dejected voice say to Sakura who helplessly whispered back. "We tried, Ino. We tried."

He also wanted it to be all true. But he tried, he also tried. Tenten and he weren't the special, magical, center-of-everything Ino and Sakura made them to be. They weren't the soulmates everyone thought them to be, they weren't the inseparable kindred spirit he, himself, once thought them to be. They had been able to grow apart the last seven years.

Before exiting the ballroom, he gave a last look to Tenten who was slow-dancing in Deidara's arms, her back to him.

His father had just messaged him he'd be home to talk after Neji had asked him if they could discuss something. He was anxious to see his father and voice things he never would have even thought of a few months ago, but it needs to be said, so it will.

He ran down the outside stairs and gave a wave to the valet who scurried to get his car. Neji took a deep breath to steady his racing thoughts, appreciating the crisp December air and the fog his breath created, when his phone rang.

His heart leaped. "Hi," He said, his mouth dry when he took the call.

"Hi," She whispered back, her voice echoing in the air.

He turned around to see Tenten in all her glorious emerald satin dress at the top of the stairs.

She gave a tentative smile which he clumsily returned. It felt good to see her alone, without Deidara by her side.

He could see her open and close her mouth, her phone still pressed against her ear. He could see her fight within herself to find the right words but failed to capture exactly how she felt. She chewed her lip and settled for a miserable :

"I miss you."

Neji's heart churned. How he wished he could cross those stairs, take her arm and bring her so close he could press each of her curves against him. How he wanted to take her home and take her dress off, hear her pitchy voice moan in his ear, then hear her talk all night long. Tell him everything in every detail of what had happened in her life while they were estranged. And he wanted to tell her everything too, everything he learned about himself in the meantime and share her excitement she'd have for him to see him confronting past demons. He wanted her head resting on his torso while he slowly caressed her bare back up and down, stopping at the tip of her hair strands to coil them around his finger.

How he wanted all those things so desperately, but there were dozens of stairs and a whole world separating them now. And he didn't know how to cross it and make it alive on the other side because all the unsaid things between them needed to be left unsaid until he could figure them out and disarm them in his head so they couldn't hurt them anymore, kill their relationship before it got to thrive.

So he simply settled for a miserable :

"I miss you too."

Her lips trembled and stretched in a forced grin to cover up her conflicting sadness, but the tears spilling down her cheeks betrayed her clumsily hidden sorrow.

"Be safe." She said and she hung up.

He nodded and took the key from the valet that just came back.

Only when he couldn't see her in his review mirror anymore, only when her shaking form watching his car roll down the street disappeared from his side mirrors, only then did he safely park in a random street. His knuckles turned white on the steering wheel as he felt waves of indescribable hurt roll up from his gut. He let his vision get blurry and blurrier, until he could unmistakably feel the salty taste of deep regrets.

Maybe the hardest thing Neji couldn't understand from Sakura and Ino's speech was that he couldn't imagine that your best friend was not the first and only love of your life, because that is all he had ever known with Tenten.


A/N: It's so crazy because I wrote this back in September before Encanto came out, and now that I reread it, I feel Luisa is really what I was trying to bring out of Neji's over-responsible personality as a child.

I'll try to update this as soon as I'm done with Christmas Chaos. What do you think so far?

Thank you for all your encouraging feedback, it has been truly appreciated, never fails to make me smile!