Payson didn't know what to say to either Lauren or Kaylie. She knew she had to say something, but the words that usually came to her, simply failed her. It wasn't a snub, it wasn't unfair or a bad decision, it just simply was. The Pacific Rim championships held every year, allowed senior and junior elite gymnasts to compete together on an international stage. Boris took his top three seniors and his top three juniors, two of which would be age eligible for the Olympics later that year. She bit her lip watching Lauren and Kaylie's hopeful expressions drop as Boris announced the six names in his eastern bloc accent and then abruptly walked away from them, consolation and explanation not part of his coaching repertoire.
She looked over at Sasha whose expression seemed cold, but she knew his emotions were swirling behind his eyes. She watched as Lauren spun on her toe and marched away, most likely to go complain to her father about how unfair it all was, but Payson was more worried about Kaylie who wore a sort of resigned expression. She felt a mix of relief and sadness. She was glad Kaylie wasn't shocked, most of them had seen it coming, but it was difficult to watch someone's dream begin to unravel, especially when you counted that person as your friend.
She approached her slowly and Kaylie grimaced, "You don't have to say it, Pay," Kaylie said, with a small shake of her head, "it is what it is."
Payson sighed as the former National Champion, the girl she once resented for having it all, walked away. Her shoulders slumped as she approached her parents, both of whom wore expressions of concern and sympathy, Alex's face edged with a little anger to accompany the former emotions.
She looked towards the group of five girls, all gravitating towards each other. They would be her teammates in Melbourne where they would take on teams from nations that lined the Pacific coast, large and small. They would be huge favorites, but really it was about gaining experience, giving girls who had little to no experience at the senior elite international level a chance to prove that they could perform. Boris would be watching carefully, especially the two age eligible juniors, Isabella Ruggeri, the newest Rock girl and Justine Turner, gold and silver medalists in the all-around at Nationals and the silver and 4th place finishers at junior Worlds.
Payson had watched Isabella train over the last few months after her move to the Rock and she was the real deal. Sasha had upped her degree of difficulty immediately and she had taken up the challenge, often training with Payson from dawn til dusk. She had a lot of natural talent and now that talent was being honed by the best coach in the world.
Just days later they boarded a plane after everyone arrived in Los Angeles, a small contingent this time around, six men, six women and their national coaches. Payson sat down beside Emily and sighed.
"This is weird," Emily said, looking around, just as Kelly Parker sat down next to her.
"Really weird," Kelly agreed. Payson and Emily both looked at her dubious expressions on their faces.
She rolled her eyes, "No seriously, it's really getting down to it, isn't it? I mean it was all in theory before that only a few of us would make it and now, well here we are."
Payson took a deep breath, "You're right. I mean aside from Julia," she said, nodding towards the eleven year old sitting a few rows ahead of them, the youngest gymnast to ever make the junior national team, "the five of us, we could be the team going to London."
They all sat back, letting the idea wash over them, thinking about each of their teammates and moments later they looked at each other again, "If this is the team, we take to London, we've got a really good shot," Emily said, her eyes brightening.
Kelly nodded and Payson agreed, "More than a good shot. We're going to win," she said confidently.
The flight attendant came and asked them what they would like to drink. The girls gave their orders before she moved on to the row to their left where Sasha sat.
"And what can I get you, sir," the flight attendant's voice took on a much different tone than the sweet one she'd used with them. Emily turned to Payson with her eyebrows raised, but she just shrugged. Sasha was an attractive man; women were going to flirt with him.
"No Guinness?" he asked, looking over the in-flight menu.
"No, I'm sorry, sir. We do have several fine American beers," she said, leaning her hip gently against the seatback in front of him.
Payson felt slightly gratified to see that he was either ignoring the women's attempts at flirtation or oblivious to them. She'd never felt jealous before, but in that moment she frowned at how unfair it was that she couldn't simply be with him. She remembered the last time she'd sat next to him on a flight, on the way to Rotterdam, one of the defining moments of their relationship. The flight attendant on that flight thought she knew something about them. She wished this one could have drawn that same conclusion, but it was not to be, at least not right now.
Payson volunteered to room with Julia, feeling that as team captain, the girl should have someone to look out for her. Looking at the tiny girl as they both unpacked, she wasn't sure if she'd ever been that small. She was listed at four feet seven inches tall and the ninety five pounds was probably a generous estimate. She absolutely flew through the air on every element; she was far better than Payson had been at that age. The sky seemed to be the limit for her. She was also practically silent. The next youngest member of the national team was fourteen years old and the difference between eleven and fourteen was huge, even in elite level gymnastics.
Payson finished unpacking and put her suitcase in the closet, before turning towards the younger girl.
"We have a little while until dinner. I don't know how you do with time differences, but a nap is probably a good idea."
"I am a little tired," Julia said, the weariness suddenly obvious on her face.
Payson looked at her closely. She wasn't sure how this girl was holding up. It was just so much so fast. She'd made the junior national team after earning a last minute invitation to nationals, finishing a surprising fourth. When she turned up at a national team practice later in the year, she impressed Boris so much he named her to the Pan American games team. Julia's rise had been sure and steady ever since.
Payson smiled. "I'm just going to…"
"Hang out with your friends?" Julia finished for her, a yawn finishing off the last syllable.
Payson shrugged, "Maybe for a little while. If I crash too soon after a flight, my body clock gets all out of wack."
"Not me," Julia said, slipping under her covers, her eyes flickering closed almost immediately.
Payson chuckled under her breath. It seemed like the girl was already out cold. She pocketed her keycard and slipped out of the room, flicking off the lights before she left. She made her way down the hallway, towards where Emily and Isabella were sharing a room. She was halfway down the hallway when she saw Sasha leaving his hotel room.
"Hey," she said, smiling at him, just a small grin, but when he returned her smile with one of his own, she felt hers spread wider.
"Hey," he returned the greeting. It had been months, and now she felt that old tension, the cloud of magnetic energy that used to surround them, forcing them to give in to desires they hadn't put a voice to almost a year ago.
"Can't sleep," she said, shrugging her shoulders.
"You never can after a long flight," he said, for once not censoring himself. "Feel like getting a cup?"
The tension broke and she nodded, "Yeah, there was a little café in the lobby," she suggested.
It was so silly. Here they were, intending to build a future together and they could barely carry on a decent conversation because of their self-imposed restrictions, rules meant to protect and yet in this moment, Payson didn't feel protected. She felt exposed.
They made their way down the hallway together. The last time they'd really been alone outside of the Rock was at Thanksgiving, the night that had given birth to her mother's suspicions about her feelings for him. Except Mom isn't here right now.
They stood in the elevator bay and she remembered another night, in Rotterdam, she'd fallen into his arms and they held each other, celebrating an enormous day for her professionally, but giving into their mutual desire to be close. Her eyes flicked upward and he was already looking at her, one side of his mouth quirked up. She thought maybe he was remembering the same moment. They entered the elevator and she made a decision. Maybe they couldn't be together the way they wanted, but it had been so long since she had any real physical contact. She stood close to him and allowed the back of her hand brush against his. His shoulders tensed, but then his hand twitched and suddenly she found her fingers caught up by his, and then entwined, his palm pressed against the back of her hand tightly.
They reached the lobby and moved apart before the doors to the elevator opened again, only to be met by the frowning face of Boris, obviously waiting for an elevator to take him up. His bushy eyebrows rose in surprise, but he looked gratified as he allowed them to exit the elevator without a word. Sasha kept his eyes forward, but Payson looked back and he winked at her as the door closed.
They found a small table tucked in the corner of the hotel's coffee shop. As they sat down with their drinks, Payson sighed in relief. "This is so …"
"Nice," he finished for her, and she nodded. "I forgot how much I love just sitting with you."
She took a sip of the tea she ordered and sighed. He was right. This was how it started, how it really began, beyond the almost painful physical attraction, these quiet moments together when they talked about everything and anything; this was the foundation of their relationship.
It was so simple, just sitting here at a table, like they had hundreds of times before, like he hoped to thousands of times in their future.
"So, Payson Keeler, how are you?" he asked and he looked at her affectionately.
She gave him an answer he didn't expect, "Miserable without you," she said, her eyes flickering around the café quickly before she reached out and put her hand on the table, just millimeters from his. Casually, he hoped, he slid his hand towards hers, letting their hands brush, she lifted her pinky and moved it over his. "How are you?"
He swallowed and nodded, "About the same," he said. He looked at her, trying to read her face, but for the first time in a long time he found her inscrutable. He sighed heavily, needing to change the subject, "How's school?" he asked and he found he chose the right topic.
She brightened almost immediately and launched into a complicated stream of scientific gibberish that went straight over his head. He let her talk, happy enough to sit back and let her ramble, gesturing wildly with her hands, her face lit up with excitement over her second passion, science.
A waitress came over suddenly and took their cups from them, cleaning the table with a towel, leaning into his view of Payson who stopped talking and looked on bemusedly. The waitress finally stood and looked at him expectantly.
He nodded and smiled tightly, "Thank you," he said before turning back to Payson.
The waitress hesitated for a moment before moving away and Payson smiled at him strangely, "What?" he asked, furrowing his brow.
"You never have any idea when women flirt with you shamelessly, do you?" she asked.
He snorted, "Her breasts were practically pushed into my nose when she was wiping the table down. I got it," he said and she raised her eyebrows.
"It's been a while, so yeah I noticed." He immediately wished he could reel the words back in, but it was too late. Her smile faded and she looked down at the table, the hurt unmistakable across her face. "Payson, I…"
She nodded, not meeting his eyes, "No, I understand, you have needs," she said, her gaze drifting from the table, over his shoulder and then down to her lap. She sat back in her seat and bit her lip.
"Payson," he tried again, but she cut him off again.
"It's okay, Sasha," she said. "I get it. I mean I can't be with you so you may as well…" she trailed off, gesturing vaguely with her hand, but he knew what she meant.
His eyebrows shot up. "That's just not….Payson, I don't want," he stopped. "Look at me," he whispered raggedly. He barely recognized his own voice. Her gaze met his and he reached across the table, taking her hand again, "If we had a place to go, right now, I would take you upstairs, and show you exactly how much I don't want any other woman."
She squeezed his hand, "Sorry, I don't know where that came from," she said, her tone full of regret. "I just miss you, I think."
"I miss you too." He put as much meaning into his voice as he could. "I miss you in every way."
"I think about that night all the time," she said, and then lowered her voice, "sometimes if I close my eyes I can still feel you inside of me."
His eyes fluttered shut and he swallowed roughly, his throat suddenly dry as a bone. "Payson," he said as images spun across his mind's eye, her head thrown back in pleasure, her flat stomach quivering under the touch of his lips, her hair sweaty and matted against her forehead, her cheeks rosy and flushed, their sticky skin pressed together, their bodies moving as one. He opened his eyes and met hers. He knew that look. It seemed their minds had traveled to the same place.
Her eyes twinkled at him and her face grew serious. "What if we had a place to go?" she asked. "I don't have to compete until Friday and I haven't put this to good use yet." He watched her slide a black plastic card from her wallet and twirl it around on her fingers. "Apparently I'm a big deal, a big enough deal for an American Express Black card."
His eyes focused on that piece of plastic. He didn't want to think about it. He'd spent the last few months thinking about it. He looked up at her and she knew exactly what he decided. She slid from her seat.
"Five minutes," she said as she slipped past him.
He turned and watched her go, watching the way her hips swayed gently as she walked away. He quickly threw a few bills on the table, having no idea how much he'd over or under tipped and moved out of the restaurant, towards the lobby store. He found what he needed almost immediately and paid for them wordlessly, slipping the small box into his jacket pocket. From the windowed walls of the store he watched her move towards the front desk, passing her card across the marble counter and then receiving a packet of card keys. She tossed her hair over her shoulder before she searched across the lobby for him. He moved towards her. Their eyes met and she nodded, before she broke the eye contact and walked purposefully towards the elevators. They stood in the elevator bay again, a different sort of tension washing over them now.
To Sasha it was almost ridiculous how anxious he suddenly felt when really he should be reigning himself in. It was exactly this sort of circumstance that outted them to his father. They stood slightly apart as they waited for an elevator with three other people. They shouldn't be doing this, but he couldn't bring himself to care. It had been so long and their split which had seemed so rational and important in Istanbul, suddenly seemed silly and unnecessary.
He followed her out of the elevator on the seventh floor, a full five floors above where their other rooms were located. To be safe he kept his distance, following just a step or two behind her towards the room she just reserved. She slid the key into the lock and pushed the door open, stepping into the room and with a quick glance back and forth down the hallway, he slipped in behind her and didn't let her get far.
Her back was to him and he stepped behind her, sweeping her hair away from her neck, lowering his mouth to the smooth skin he'd been denied for months. He snaked his arms around her waist, pulling her back into him. She gripped his arms, digging her fingers into his forearm as he once again found that stop just behind her ear. He actually felt her knees buckle, as she pushed into the caress of his lips, a low groan escaping her throat.
The sound snapped whatever control he had over himself. He spun her around and pushed her up against the wall, pinning her there, his hands braced on either side of her head as he lowered his mouth to hers. It was an all consuming kiss, dominant and forceful as he pushed his tongue into her mouth immediately, claiming her as his own. Her fingers slid into his hair, taking everything he had, giving as good as she got. His hands moved off the wall, to her hips, pulling her lower body into sharp contact with his, grinding against her roughly. Her hands braced against his shoulders and he knew what she wanted.
He slid his hands lower, caressing over the curve of her ass before lifting her up and allowing her to wrap her legs around his waist. She was lighter than he remembered, a product of the work they'd done over their foolhardy attempt to distract themselves over the last few months.
They reached the bed quickly and he sat down, allowing her to take control for the moment, hovering over him. "I love you," she said, the first time he'd heard those words pass her lips in far too long.
"I love you too," he rasped, just as her mouth descended upon his.
They lay there, later, their breath evening out as she pillowed her head upon his chest.
"What exactly were we thinking when we decided to give this up?" she murmured to him.
"It's not all that clear anymore," he responded, kissing the top of her head lightly.
She sighed, "I have to get back. I left Julia napping. She'll wake up soon and wonder where I am."
He was struck by what her words sounded like; like a mother worried about her child. "We don't have kids yet, love." His voice was teasing, but she looked up at him, a curious expression on her face.
"How many kids do you want?" she asked. Her tone seemed casual, but he suddenly knew they weren't just speaking hypothetically.
"Three," he said, "or maybe four." The more he'd thought about it after briefly discussing it with Kim Keeler, the more he wanted a large family, two or three had changed to three or four and he wouldn't be disappointed if a fifth arrived.
She laughed, "You want a big family?" she asked, though it wasn't a question.
"I'm an only child," he said, in explanation. His hand wandered from the bed sheet towards her stomach, caressing gently against her lower abdomen. She shivered in response, gooseflesh appearing across the smooth skin.
"We'd wait a little while," she said, and this time it was a question, even if she hadn't phrased it that way.
He chuckled, "It's a long way off, Payson."
"I know," she said. Then she turned to her side a little and smiled at him, "Three?"
"Or four," he responded with a cheeky grin, knowing it would infuriate her. He rolled into her again, kissing her lightly, before their amusement faded and he deepened the kiss again. "Round two?" he asked, though he already knew the answer.
