An entire week at home and already Payson felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off her shoulders. Sasha's mere presence, each night and every morning had given her a sense of peace, a wonderful feeling of rightness that settled over them as they reestablished their routines. The sensation was almost overwhelming because every once in a while she would remember that it was permanent, no more prolonged absences, they would simply be together.
"Okay, I'm headed out," Sasha said, as he emerged from the bathroom, showered, dressed and ready for the day.
He moved behind her, pressing a kiss against her cheek as she made their bed. His hands snuck over her waist pulling her back against him, making it nearly impossible to pull the fitted sheet onto the corner of the mattress. She leaned back against him and closed her eyes as his lips drifted over her neck. One hand remained splayed against her hip, holding them together as the other travelled up to cup her breast firmly.
"You've got to go," she murmured, before they could get too lost in each other.
He groaned against the skin of her shoulder, as he'd been about to pull down the strap of her pajama top. "I know. Have a good day today, take it easy," he said.
"Bring home something from Celery for dinner?" she asked. She'd been craving veggie stew and rice pilaf for days.
"Yeah, around seven," he said, a smile crossing his face as he left the room.
Moments later she heard the garage door opening, followed by the sound of his truck starting up and then the garage door closing again as the sound of his engine faded down the street.
He was headed to the Rock for Sunday lessons while she planned to simply spend the day relaxing and recovering. Her training had only intensified as they inched closer to Nationals and the Olympic trials and her body was taking a beating on a daily basis. She needed a break and she was secure enough in her abilities and the time she'd been putting in to give herself a day off. She was thinking about calling her mom and maybe having lunch or going shopping. It had been a while since they did anything together.
She wandered down stairs, still in her pajamas, intent on making herself some breakfast when someone began pounding on the door. Before she could get to it, the person on the other side had it unlocked and was stepping into the entryway.
"Austin?" she asked her friend as he turned towards her, looking more lost than she'd ever seen him before. He was dressed in shorts and a sleeveless shirt, iPod strapped to his arm. He'd been out for a run and made his way over here. It could only mean one thing, Kaylie. She frowned and sighed. "What happened?"
He shook his head, "Honestly, Payson, I have no idea. Where's Sasha? He didn't stay last night? If I had known that I would have come last night."
She shook her head, "He just left; he's got lessons today with the level sixes and sevens."
Austin nodded and ran a hand through his hair nervously, "Oh okay."
She bit her lip, inviting him into the house. He sat in his customary seat, taking up nearly all of her sofa by himself. She took the large armchair nearest the couch, sitting Indian style, atop the cushion.
"Start from the beginning."
Austin frowned, "You know the first part. She came by last weekend, while you were in Australia and we worked things out. She apologized and we kissed." Payson nodded, she'd heard the story, from both sides.
"I don't understand, I thought things were going well?" she asked.
In fact, Kaylie had called her the other night and gushed about how amazing Austin was and how well they were getting along and what an amazing kisser Austin was. Payson hadn't said it aloud, but she'd silently agreed. Austin had kissed her once and it was for show, but he was very skilled in the art; that much she could attest to.
"I thought so too. Everything seemed great. We didn't fight over anything at all, which I thought maybe was a miracle and then last night we were kissing and one thing led to another," he trailed off.
"You slept together?" Payson cut in.
She wasn't sure why it surprised her, she knew how they felt about each other, but then she looked up and saw Austin shaking his head. Then suddenly her mind began to reel. Kaylie was a virgin, that much she knew and if something went wrong, if Austin was upset then…
His voice pulled her back from the tornado of thoughts. "No, Butinsky, let me finish," he said, giving her a small glare and she shrugged apologetically, "We didn't sleep together. Things were progressing in that direction though and she seemed to be enjoying herself. No, I know she was enjoying herself and then suddenly she went completely cold on me. It was like one second she was there and we were on the same page and then, nothing. I stopped, obviously, I'm not in the habit of forcing myself on anyone and I asked her what was wrong, but she wouldn't tell me. She just shrugged a little bit and then a few minutes later she made up some lame excuse about having to meet Leo for dinner and she bolted. I texted her and called a few times, but she's ignoring me completely. I thought maybe she might have called you," he said, finally, running his hands through his short brown hair.
Payson shook her head. "She didn't call and I have no idea, Austin. Maybe she just got freaked out. I know she has really strong feelings for you and maybe it's too much too quickly."
Austin rolled his eyes to the ceiling and sighed, "It's been two years, that's the opposite of quickly. I told her that too, I told her that she was worth it all, the wait and the suffering. I told her that I'd do it again just to get to where we are now."
Payson nearly melted. She knew Austin had a hard time expressing his emotions verbally, especially when talking to someone he cared about, so it was a big deal. She wondered if Kaylie knew that about him. "You said that? Austin, that's so...I didn't know you had it in you," she teased lightly, not knowing what else to say. She knew Austin was hung up on Kaylie, but she hadn't realized quite how intense his feelings might be and then suddenly it clicked into place. "You told her how you feel? Just like that, you laid your cards on the table?" she asked, though she believed she already knew the answer.
"I did. We both were, she was talking about how sorry she was and how much she wanted me and I thought maybe it was a good time for confessions and so I put it out there. I told her it's always been her; I told her," he hesitated and looked up at Payson, "I told her a lot of other things too." His emphasis was clear and Payson knew he'd probably been explicit in describing whatever it was he'd told Kaylie.
Payson sighed and shook her head, "Austin, you know that," and now it was her turn to hesitate. It wasn't really her place to be divulging personal information, something Kaylie might not want him to know, even if it would help.
"Know what?" he asked, obviously desperate for her advice, anything that might help him.
"Nothing," she said and sighed. "I think maybe you freaked her out, things got a little too intense for her and she's not really used to that, Austin." She tried to put as much meaning into her words as possible. Perhaps he'd come to the conclusion all on his own. "I think you scared her."
"Scared her? I don't…" he trailed off and she practically saw the light bulb flicker on above his head. "You mean physically? But I stopped when she did, I don't understand."
Payson grimaced, "Austin, speaking as someone who was the inexperienced half of a relationship, it's more than a little intimidating."
"Inexperienced? But she was with Carter and Nicky, she isn't," he trailed off, his eyes widening as realization washed over him. Payson nodded. "I just assumed that…"
She shook her head, "Never assume."
Austin studied her carefully for a moment, "You say you were intimidated by Sasha's experience?" he asked, obviously trying to understand.
Payson sighed. "Kaylie and I are very different, Austin, I can only speak from what I went through."
He waved away her excuse. "It's close enough. You're a girl and her friend, if you don't mind sharing," he asked, finally realizing that it might be a little too personal.
She shook her head, "No it's fine," she said. "For me it was more fear of disappointing him than anything else. I had no idea what I was doing and I didn't want to look like an idiot. He was so sweet and patient, but I knew that he was holding back because I was inexperienced and I didn't want that."
"So you pulled away? You ran?" he asked, furrowing his brow. "That doesn't sound like you."
Payson bit her lip, but she felt one side of her mouth quirk up in a small smile, "No, I, umm, did the opposite, the details aren't important, but before that, there was a little voice inside my head, it was constantly telling me that I didn't measure up to the women he'd been with before and I never would. It was terrifying to push that aside and move forward."
He pursed his lips, "But you didn't run away? You love Sasha, so you stayed and you moved forward." She could practically see the wheels turning in his head, if it were possible steam would be coming out of his ears, the cogs were spinning so fast. "So she doesn't feel for me what you feel for him, then? She doesn't love me."
"No, I don't think that's the case," she said, shaking her head firmly and reaching out to put a hand over his. "I know you've been waiting for each other for almost two years, Austin, but you've only been together a week. I can't speak for Kaylie, but…" Again, she hesitated, not wanting to get too personal or detailed.
"Payson, stop beating around the bush, just spit it out."
She couldn't help herself, "I never spit it out," she said, before her brain fully comprehended that he'd even left himself open for a dirty joke. His eyebrows shot up into his hair and together they burst out laughing. "Fine, you really want to know?" she asked.
"Well, you can't get much more detailed than you just did, so go ahead."
"With the physical stuff, Sasha's always allowed me to be in the driver's seat. Every progression, every step, I've always initiated it. It just felt more natural that way. It went unspoken that there wasn't much territory he hadn't covered and that I still had some major firsts. I know the conversation might be uncomfortable, but if you let her know that you'll go at whatever pace she's comfortable with, that might help. You are willing to go at her pace, aren't you?"
He nodded and rolled his eyes, "You're my best friend and I'm only going to say this because you're my best friend, but this really blows. Kaylie is amazing, but how many hang-ups can a person have? I get that this one is a normal one, but seriously, it feels like everything is a struggle."
For a moment Payson felt outraged, for Kaylie and for herself, or at least the girl she'd been just before she got involved with Sasha.
There wasn't a timetable for things like this and she knew how Kaylie felt, but at the same time, she knew where Austin was coming from. She remembered the frustration she sometimes saw in Sasha's eyes when things had been very new for them. She knew he was willing to wait, but she knew that willingness hadn't made it any easier.
"Pay?" Austin asked. She looked up at him. "I shouldn't have said that. I know that's a big deal for girls, I just, nothing comes easy for us."
Payson shook her head, "Austin, I get it and you're right. I know it's got to be frustrating for you, not just this, but everything. What you have to ask yourself is, is she worth it?"
He sighed, "I used to think so, but," he shook his head. "Look, I don't want to be that guy, the guy who can't handle being with a girl because she won't sleep with him, but it's not that, at least it's not just that. Nothing can ever be simple. I swear, I've talked to you about my relationship more than I've talked to her about it. She just shuts down and runs away."
Payson laughed lightly, hoping to ease the tension she saw in his entire frame. "You realize that makes you the girl in the relationship, right? Wanting to talk about your feelings."
Austin rolled his eyes, "There's that too. I'm the mature one, the voice of reason, that's just not normal, Pay. I'm supposed to be the irresponsible jerk and she's supposed to I don't know, tame me or something."
Payson laughed so hard at that her ribs started to hurt and tears began to gather and fall rapidly, "You're insane, you know that?"
Austin didn't join in her laughter, but he nodded sullenly, "Yeah, I know."
She sighed, wiping away the last of the tears and trying to bring her breathing under control, "I was going to make some breakfast; do you want something? I'll make you that scramble thing you like."
He nodded and watched as she stood and moved towards the kitchen. For a moment that only thing his brain processed was: long legs, nice ass, little cotton shorts, trim waist, tiny tank top, long blonde hair, before he shook himself out of his stupor.
It's Payson, he reminded himself sharply and stood to follow her into the kitchen. It was easy to forget sometimes, a little too easy. He'd never had a close female friend before. Emily had started to be that, but it had faded when Damon Young popped up in her life over and over again, despite their "split." With Payson it had been almost natural, their friendship was one of equals, he was there for her, she was there for him, no questions asked. It was simple and Austin realized, that's why he kept showing up at her doorstep. It was the simplest relationship in his life and in the face of the complications Kaylie constantly presented to him, he craved that simplicity.
He moved into the kitchen to see her hovering at the refrigerator door, biting her lip in indecision, "I've got turkey bacon, is that okay?"
He snorted, "I'll overlook it this time," he quipped.
He felt, rather than saw her roll her eyes as she bent over to retrieve whatever ingredients she needed. He sighed. She was like his sister, but she wasn't actually his sister, so whenever she did things like that he tried to simply look away and ignore it, but he'd been in nearly a constant state of arousal for a week. It was almost too much to ask of him to ignore. He must have made some sort of strangled noise, because she stood and popped her head out from behind the door, looking concerned.
"You okay?" she asked and he nodded. She stepped back and kicked the door of the fridge shut before moving to the counter and laying out the ingredients for his breakfast.
He shook his head, taking her in again. "I'm just going to say something, but you've gotta promise not to get mad or freak out or take it the wrong way."
She laughed, still organizing herself, before reaching over her head to grab a frying pan from the rack above her head. As she did, a small sliver of creamy skin appeared between the hem of her top and the waistband of her shorts and Austin shook his head in disbelief. Whatever higher power was up there was having a little fun with him this morning.
"Fine, no getting mad or freaking out or taking it the wrong way, go ahead."
He sighed, "You ever think about how much easier our lives would have been if we had fallen in love with each other?"
She froze and then turned to look at him, "No, Austin, I haven't actually given that a lot of thought."
He shrugged, but wilted a little under the glare she was shooting at him, "Well, it would have been, easier, I mean."
She turned back to his breakfast, putting the pan on the stove and spraying it with some vegetable oil, "Easier doesn't mean better," she said, grabbing a knife and pulling out her cutting board as she chopped up some of the vegetables.
"Maybe, but your parents wouldn't be in the dark; you wouldn't be lying to the rest of the world. And me, I wouldn't be constantly questioning my every thought, worrying if she's going to take me at my word or scamper away like a scared little rabbit. It would just be easier. Even that time I kissed you, it was so easy."
She laughed at him then and somehow he found, it hurt more than he should, "It was easy because it didn't mean anything."
"It meant something," he argued, but she cut him off.
"You were helping me out, you were being my friend." He knew all this, he didn't know why he needed her to explain it to him, but he did. "Here, make yourself useful, chop up these mushrooms," she said, looking back at him. She laid a knife on the cutting board, next to her. "You really do need to get laid,"
He stood and went to the sink to wash his hands quickly before he took up the knife and chopped the mushroom into little chunks. "I bet if we slept together it would be easy, just like when we kissed." He felt her freeze next to him. "You promised not to take it the wrong way," he said and she moved again, putting a bell pepper in front of him to cut, and taking the mushroom away.
"Maybe," she allowed, finally, but then she continued, "maybe it would be easy, but I'm not looking for easy and neither are you. You're looking for the real thing, Austin and I've already found it."
The lapsed into silence for a moment, the moment turned into minutes until suddenly they were sitting across from each other at her kitchen table. He dug into the breakfast scramble she'd made for him and she sighed before rising, grabbing herself a bowl and pouring her usual honey-nut cheerios, a little skim milk and a glass of orange juice.
"This is really good, Pay," he said, around a large bite, as she came back into his view.
"Yeah, I know," she said, shaking her head. He looked up and met her eye and he knew he was forgiven for being an idiot. He smiled and she returned it.
"You really are my best friend," he added, looking back down at his breakfast.
She stood, taking her now empty glass with her, "Yeah, I know," she said, filling it with more orange juice before moving back towards her seat. She stopped next to him and ruffled his hair affectionately. It was longer than usual, time for a trim. "You're mine too."
