Chapter 25: With A Little Help From My Friends
"How do I feel by the end of the day?
Are you sad because you're on your own?
No, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, get high with a little help from my friends"
Friday. January 24th, 1986.
POV: Eddie Munson
I walk around the side of Winter's trailer and stop right before her bedroom window. I see it is open, and light pours out between the billowing lace curtains. I push my back against the trailer.
"Pssst... Winter."
No response. I reach one hand up and lightly knock on the frame; my eyes still face the dark night that extends to the forest.
"Winnie!"
Still nothing.
I grunt in annoyance, then turn around and step back.
I face myself towards her open window but squish my eyes shut.
I'm not trying to be a peeping Tom, okay?
"Hey! Winnie, are you decent?"
I feel the light flicker across my face as if a shape has appeared in front of it.
"Well, this is different..." a delicate voice says. "Usually, I'm the one trying to sneak in through your window."
My face cracks into a wide grin.
"Why didn't you just use the front door?" She asks.
"I didn't want to wake your mom," I respond in a harsh whisper.
"You can open your eyes, Eddie."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure."
I crack them open and see a girl leaning through the window. She's wearing an amused smile, and her elbow is propped on the frame. Her hair cascades down her shoulders in soft waves. She looks romantic and thoughtful.
"Hey there, Juliet," I say.
"God, you and your Shakespeare." Winter laughs. "I couldn't even get past the first five pages of that play."
"Can I come in?"
She tilts her head. "You abandoned me tonight."
"Aw man, are you still mad about that?"
"Hmm... not mad," she says. "But I don't think I've used it to my advantage yet."
I reach into my jacket pocket and hold an offering in the air.
Winter's eyes widen.
"When was the last time you and I got high together?" I ask.
I easily could've knocked on her front door. She would've stepped onto the porch and confirmed that she had made it home alive and not dismembered. But, truthfully, I just want to lay next to her on the floor and talk. She always helps me sort through the clutter in my brain. I can't find it within myself to tell her directly just how much I need her to help me, so I try to be funny and mischievous.
I offer the joint up towards her window, and her hand snatches out for it. I pull my hand backward.
"May I come in?"
She steps back, away from the window.
"Come on in, Romeo."
I put the joint back in my pocket and set both hands on her window frame. I pull myself up, and one of my arms pushes through the window. My hand slaps on her bedside table as I try to wiggle upwards. My legs are straight out behind me and dangle in the air.
How does she manage to look so graceful when she climbs through my window?
I push my other arm into the room and lift my stomach over the windowpane. I advance another inch inside her room.
I hear giggling. My hand moves across her bedside table and sweeps across the top, causing the objects to tumble and clatter to the floor.
"Eddie!"
"Sorry, sorry! You just make this look so easy."
Winter is laughing fully now, and I raise my head to look at her. I'm sure I look completely ridiculous, halfway in and halfway out of her small bedroom window.
"Help me, please."
She walks forward and wraps one hand under my bicep and the other around my wrist. She tugs hard, and I wiggle in a little more. She takes a step closer to me and pulls on my arm with more force. This time I successfully fall into her room, but my body collides with hers and takes her down with me.
Winter falls backward hard, and I quickly throw my palms on either side of her, pushing up sharply to stop myself before my weight crushes her completely.
Her body thumps against the floor, and her head bounces on the carpet. I hover above her, scanning her with my eyes and hoping she didn't crack her skull or break her tailbone.
She doesn't look like she's in pain... she's laughing uncontrollably.
I watch with bewilderment as she rolls on the carpet and clutches her abdomen.
She's lost her mind.
Her giggles narrowly escape between quick breaths, and my lips pull back into a smile as she dissolves into laughter.
One of my hands slides under her hair, spreading beneath her head. It fans like an angel in the snow, and my fingers lightly grasp the strands. Her hair is damp as if she took a shower as soon as she got home. It's almost dry, but the coolness settles into my skin.
I take a deep inhale of her scent—vanilla and sandalwood. It always reminds me of the beach, even though I've never actually been to a beach. But I imagine the sweetness of lotion mixing with the breeze rolling in from the waves.
Winter sucks in a deep breath and looks up at me.
A small tear slides down her temple and lands in her hair.
"Okay... you are no Romeo," she murmurs.
I try to look offended by my mouth breaks into a wide grin. Her laughter slows, and she smiles.
Suddenly, I'm more conscious of the ways in which our bodies are touching. My fingers clutch pieces of her hair. My knee presses against her upper thigh, and her foot lightly grazes mine.
The thought suddenly hits me that, if I wanted to, I would only have to lean forward a few inches to bring her face so close to my own. My heart jumps a little, and Winter lets out a few more small laughs beneath me. Her eyes search my face. The necklace she gave me for Christmas dangles down from my neck and sways in the short distance between our bodies.
I sigh and roll onto my back next to her. Winter's giggles dissipate, and silence fills her bedroom.
She sits up suddenly.
"Look at that. You made a mess."
I slide onto my elbows to see the contents of her bedside table spread across the floor.
"Sorry, Winnie," I say and stand up.
I begin collecting her things and try to set them back on the table exactly as she had them.
I pick up her green cheer scrunchie from the floor and slide it over my fingers, rubbing the soft velvet fabric against my palm. I bend down and retrieve a seashell frame lying face down on the carpet.
I sit on her bed and prop it on my leg, studying the picture. Winter waddles over on her knees next to me. She pushes her chest against the mattress, and her face peers around next to my elbow.
"I've always liked this picture," I say as I stare at a young Winter caught in a loud laugh while her mom hugs her close.
"Me, too," she replies softly.
I set the photo back on the table and rub my thumb over her green scrunchie, still looped around my fingers. I close my fist over it tightly, then release my hand and place it next to the frame.
I reach into my pocket and hold the joint up.
"Shall we?"
She nods enthusiastically, turns around, pushes her back against the mattress, and sits in a criss-crossed position. I take off my jacket and drape it gently over the open window frame. I push up the sleeves of my Hellfire t-shirt, slide my feet out of my converse, and plop down beside her. I hold the joint out in front of her face.
"Ladies first."
She takes it from me softly and sets it between her lips. I light it, watch as she takes a small puff, and then pass it back to me.
Her lips form a small opening and push the smoke out. She closes her eyes, and I take a hit, lighting the joint between my fingers without looking away from Winter's profile.
She sighs happily and opens her eyes.
"Ooh, music. We need music."
The old record console that used to be in my bedroom now sits in hers. Records are neatly filed into a small box next to it. I remember I brought that over to her place as a birthday present when she turned 15. Even though it was a hand-me-down, she said it was the best present she'd ever been given.
"Don't play anything sad," I say, inhaling more smoke into my lungs.
Winter glances over her shoulder and smiles. She's wearing the same sweats I saw her in when I burst into her kitchen a couple of weeks ago. A pale pink tank top hugs her upper body, and I stare at the curves of her shoulder blades as she brushes her hair over to one side of her neck. Her fingers meticulously flip through the vinyl.
"Not sad... but something soothing," she replies and sets a record on the console.
She drops the needle, and Who Loves the Sun by The Velvet Underground floats into the room. She sits back down and turns her body to face me.
I pass her the joint, and Winter takes a long puff. She blows the smoke up toward the ceiling, then rolls her eyes to meet mine.
"So... how was your evening?" She asks with a small smile.
I take a long inhale and then exhale slowly. "Pretty uneventful."
"How did Hellfire go?"
"Well... it was all good and fun until I decided to introduce Lord Vecna. I thought the boys were going to flip the table. But, I'm not about to make it easy for them."
I take another puff.
"Remind me again who Vecna is?" She asks.
I look over and see she's not teasing me.
"Have you just forgotten everything about DnD?" My hand lands dramatically over my heart as if she has just plunged a knife into it. "Did our time together mean nothing to you?"
She giggles and snatches the joint from me.
"Don't blame me. There's too many characters to keep straight."
I sigh and watch her inhale.
"Vecna is a god and a wizard. He's obsessed with collecting people's secrets. The boys need to figure out a way to defeat him... but I have a feeling they're going to start turning on each other."
I smile at her wickedly, and she shakes her head.
"You just love misery, don't you?" She teases.
I laugh, "Vecna makes deals. He wants you to offer your secrets and join him. Could be tempting..."
She passes the joint back to me.
"I don't think those freshmen will turn on each other. They seem bonded... like they'd do anything to protect their friends."
"Would you protect me from Vecna?" I ask her.
"No. I'd save myself first."
I nudge her side with my elbow. "Well, that's rude."
She shoves me back. "I think you can take care of yourself, Eddie Munson."
I pass the joint to her. I slide my rings up and down on my fingers, thinking about how she and I used to play Dungeons and Dragons for hours in my trailer. I wonder if we'll ever play together again.
"That's all you did tonight?" She asks. "Lead your session and come back here?"
I look over at her and narrow my eyes.
"I had somewhere else to be... but it was a quick errand."
Her face squishes up into a soft grimace as if she's trying hard not to imagine what kind of errand I had to run.
"I didn't see Patti, if that's what you're thinking," I say quickly.
She exhales a sigh of relief.
"Oh, okay. But... you're still not going to tell me what you were up to?"
I take a long pull from the joint and feel the smoke sink down into my lungs. I feel lighter now as the effects of the cannabis begin to take effect. I slowly slump against the side of the mattress until I'm flat on the floor and staring up at the ceiling.
Winter still sits facing me; her legs criss-cross, and her hair descends down her bare arms.
How would she react if I told her I've been selling drugs again?
I could tell her the truth. The truth is that when she's meeting with Ms. Kelley, I'll be meeting with kids at the picnic tables just past the football field. And when she's at cheer practice, I'll be in the parking lot waiting to drive her home and passing a ziploc bag to some preppy kid who wants supplies for his party.
No, if I admitted that, she would tell me that I'm being dumb and reckless. She would warn me that I could get into serious trouble if I got caught.
She sighs and turns away from me, pushing her back against her bed.
"Fine... don't tell me," her voice is flat, and I glance up at her, but she isn't looking at me. "Just be careful, okay? I don't want you getting into trouble."
I shift on the carpet.
"Don't worry about me."
She scoffs and plucks the joint from between my lips. I watch as she sets it between her own and takes a long pull. She's smoking faster than me, and I think I should take it back. I reach my fingers for it, but she puts it in her mouth again, inhales deeply, and then exhales quickly over her shoulder.
"Don't tell me not to worry, Eddie."
"Sorry..." I mutter and finally get the joint back from her. "I won't get into trouble, I promise."
Winter looks down now, and her face softens; she can never stay mad at me for very long.
"You better not," she says.
I nod and lay my arm across the carpet; the joint sits gently clasped between my fingers, and I hold it away from her. I don't want her to smoke too much.
The opening chords of Cool it Down by The Velvet Underground play from the corner console.
I look over at Winter and give her a mischievous grin.
"What about you? How was your evening?"
She stretches her legs out in front of her.
"It was fine."
"Just fine? Was there any funny business?"
I don't know why I'm even bothering to ask about this. I guess I don't want her to feel like she has to hide anything from me.
Winter pulls her knees against her chest and pushes her chin down on her gray sweats.
"We went to the diner and ate hamburgers," she says.
"Oh... that's cool. Very Grease of you."
I don't want to ask any more questions, but leaving what happened between them up to my imagination would be far worse. Hearing Winter talk about her date may make me a little uncomfortable, but it wouldn't feel weird if we were both dudes. Just because she's a girl doesn't mean she can't share this stuff with me if she wants to.
"That's it?" I ask.
"We had milkshakes, and then he drove me home," Winter adds.
I raise my eyebrows, and she glances down at me quickly.
"Don't you feel weird hearing me talk about this?" She asks.
"No... why would it be weird?"
"Well, Helen thinks it's a bit weird," she says. "That we're best friends, but I'm a girl, and you're a boy. I guess she doesn't understand how we could have that much in common..."
"That's stupid, Winnie. Our friendship isn't that black and white."
"No, I know. I just wondered if it was weird for you... or if you don't want me to talk about this stuff with you. I would get it. If you didn't care about it." She's rambling and isn't making eye contact with me. "We don't really talk about this kind of stuff."
I sigh, "Maybe that's because our conversations are usually much more complex and layered. We're too smart to sit here and talk about who you want to be your valentine to be."
"I guess that's true."
I clear my throat. "You can talk about it..." She turns her head to meet my gaze. "If you need to get it off of your chest. I don't mind."
She nods her head slowly.
It does feel weird, but I need to get over it. I don't want to turn her away and force her to find a different confidant. We're moving in different directions, but I can't lose this connection entirely.
The joint rolls slowly in between my fingers.
Winter looks deep in thought.
She speaks up suddenly, "Hey, who was your first?"
My fingers freeze.
"What?"
She bites her lip as if she isn't sure if she wants to repeat herself. Her fingers slowly drag her locket along its chain.
"You heard me..." She shrugs. "Who was your first?"
I'm not sure if this is a test to see if it's weird for us to talk about this stuff or if the weed has corroded her filter, and she's genuinely curious.
"You really want me to answer that?"
She makes direct eye contact, and I feel a little exposed.
"Sure, why not?"
Okay, I asked for this. I expected her to spill the details of what happened between her and Theo... but she decided to turn the tables. I told her it wouldn't be weird, so now I feel obligated to answer her question.
"My first kiss?" I sigh. "I was in middle school—7th grade. I kissed Greta Nobel on the bus. We were always the last two on our route because we both lived so far out of town. She sat down next to me one day and kissed me. Her braces cut my lip and my blood got on her face. She freaked out and didn't talk to me again after that."
Winter giggles and slides down onto the floor. We're both lying on the carpet now and she looks over at me with a small glimmer in her eyes.
I hold the joint above my head and observe it. I set it between my lips and take a long pull, exhaling slowly and trying to settle the wave of discomfort I feel about sharing my other first with Winter.
I glance over to find she is staring at me evenly, with no trace of discomfort on her face.
"Um, my first time... I was 16. It was my birthday. Do you remember what we did on my birthday?"
"Oh yeah!" She perks up. "Your sweet 16!"
I squish my eyebrows together at her calling it a sweet sixteen.
"I remember some boys from your band came by the trailer park and we went into the woods," she recalls. "I think we all rationed a six-pack and ate the birthday cake I baked you on the picnic table out there. Someone thought it was a good idea to put a firecracker in the cake instead of a candle..."
"There was a girl there, too," I add. "Her name was Lindsay. She was staying with her aunt in one of the trailers for the summer and it was the last week she was in town."
A face floats into my head, a girl with a deep tan and dark curly hair that framed her round face. She never wanted to hang out with Winter and me, but she did come to my makeshift birthday celebration in the woods that night.
"I don't remember a girl named Lindsay..." Winter says. "But, honestly, I only remember being really mad about the firecracker."
"Well, Lindsay took me on a walk in the woods. She had barely said two words to either of us that whole summer but... she said she wanted to give me a birthday present."
Winter scrunches up her nose and I raise my eyebrows at her.
"No, go ahead," she says. "I'm just preparing myself."
I smile. "She gave me a pack of cigarettes."
Winter looks a little relieved, and I continue my story.
I remember the night of my sixteenth birthday. My hair fell just past my ears, and my curly bangs hung in front of my eyes. I tried to hide the fact that my birthday was coming up to Winter. I've never been a huge birthday person. It's always just been another day for me. I don't expect a huge celebration or a pile of gifts. And I don't want to think about what I've accomplished thus far in my life or sit down to meditate on my future. Nah, I'd rather not celebrate at all.
But my uncle let it slip to Winter that I was turning 16 in a few days. She punched me hard on my arm and chastised me for not telling her sooner. She insisted on inviting my friends over and baking me a cake. She was trying her best to make me feel special. Honestly, I just wanted to hang out with her, but the party planning made her so excited, so I didn't protest.
We all gathered around the picnic table out in the woods, and I watched as Winter cut into the cake. I sat close by and waited to ask her to go on a walk with me, just the two of us, down our favorite trail. We've had some of our best conversations about life and growing up down the familiar path in the woods by our trailer park.
At some point, one of my bandmates pulled out a firecracker and stuck it in the cake, then broke out in a round of Happy Birthday. When it went off, bits of cake and icing splattered all over us. Winter was pissed. She looked down at the ruined dessert and back up slowly at the kid who had stuck the explosive in it.
With no warning, she plunged her fist into the remnants of cake and chucked a handful straight into his face. I burst out laughing, and she fixed her attention on me, then took her palm and smushed the cake across my cheek.
I wiped off the frosting, rubbed both hands together, and smeared it across her forehead. After that, an entire food fight broke out until we all had sticky hands and stained faces. I remember saying something about a stream nearby where we could wash off.
I watched Winter slowly scrub her face and neck in the cool water, and I crouched next to her.
"Hey, Winnie..." I said.
"Hi, birthday boy," she replied.
"Thank you... um... for this." I spread out my hands that were covered in chocolate. "Well, it was nice before it blew up."
"It's okay... this is more fun anyways," she laughed.
I swished my hands in the stream and turned to look at her.
"Hey... can I tell you something?"
She looked at me, her round eyes staring into mine so easily.
"Sure, anything."
I had been worried all day that my turning 16 would change our friendship. We weren't kids anymore; we were officially teenagers. Our friendship felt protected and safe in our small trailer park, but our world was expanding. We were both in high school now. The sand had run out on us dashing wildly through the woods. She had stopped climbing under my covers at night and falling asleep in my bed. It all suddenly felt different, but I didn't want anything to change.
I was worried that we would start to see each other differently. I was scared she wouldn't want to have a guy best friend anymore, and she would find someone else.
I opened my mouth to speak, but then another voice called out. Lindsay was down the bank from us and jogged over. She pulled me up by my arm and asked me to take her on a walk.
I turned back to Winter. I wanted to find the right words to tell her how important she was to me and how I didn't want anything to change.
I opened my mouth to speak, but Lindsay wrapped her hand around mine.
Winter looked up at me, puzzled as if she couldn't understand why I was hesitating.
"It's okay, Eddie," she said to me softly, then glanced over at Lindsay. "Go ahead."
She didn't seem concerned at all. She turned back towards the stream and splashed her palms against the water's surface.
I turned to look back at Lindsay, who was lightly tugging on my hand. I was only 16. Sure, Winter was a girl, but Lindsay was a different kind of girl. She looked at me with a mix of longing and excitement. No one had ever looked at me that way before.
So, I let my hormones take the wheel and followed the girl into the woods.
Winter lightly pushes against my shoulder and shakes me away from my thoughts.
I take a quick puff and finish my story.
"Anyways, it was getting dark, and we had somehow walked pretty far away from the group... she was the first girl I ever really kissed, too, besides Greta."
Winter giggles, and I look over at her. She's lying on her side and watching me tell my story; her locket slowly twists between her fingers.
"It was a hot night. I thought we were lost and tried to find the trail, but then she tripped and fell against me. We both tumbled onto the ground. I remember there was a fern that spread out like a blanket near the base of a tree. And then one thing led to another..."
Winter holds up one hand.
"Wait, I'm sorry. Are you telling me you lost your virginity in the woods at night?"
"Yeah..." I wince.
She looks at me and shakes her head. "Eddie, that's so dumb. That's like the beginning of every horror movie we've ever seen. I'm surprised you weren't sliced in half by a machete."
She starts to laugh at me, and I look at her, surprised. I feel sudden relief that she doesn't seem uncomfortable. After Lindsay left town, I didn't tell anyone. I wanted to, but I thought it would somehow make things weird between Winter and me. I didn't want to cross that line.
I laugh with her, finding humor in my story about the girl in the woods and me fumbling around in the dark.
"Hey! I was just a dumb kid. My prefrontal cortex wasn't fully developed. I had no idea what I was doing," I sigh. "I was just excited that some girl even wanted to hold my hand."
"Aw, Eddie..." Winter says. "Now look at you... Lindsay turned you into a ladies man."
"I am no ladies man, Winter."
She sighs, "Well... I guess growing up is awkward for all of us. Also, your prefrontal cortex won't fully develop until you're 25."
"Oh," I say. "Guess I've got a few more years of poor decision-making in front of me."
Winter giggles softly.
"What about you?" I ask her.
Her laughter ceases, and she raises her eyebrows at me.
I shift a little on the carpet.
"Do you have a story like that?"
She stares at me blankly and then bursts into laughter again. Winter always finds everything funny when we smoke.
She clutches her arms over her stomach and says, "Eddie... I get anxious just leaving my trailer. I'm not exactly living my life on the edge, let alone frolicking with someone in the woods."
I grin at her.
"I don't believe you."
"Why would I lie?" She turns on her side to face me. "You have seen me every day since I moved to Hawkins. I don't have any secrets."
I scooch a little closer to her on the carpet, and I can feel the ends of her hair brush against my forearm.
She looks over at me, and we lock eyes.
"What about a first kiss?"
Winter bites her lip.
Has she had her first kiss yet?
We stare at each other, and I feel my heart rate quicken. I can feel myself wanting to glance down at her lips, but I pull the joint to my mouth instead and focus on taking a puff.
Winter watches as I exhale the smoke at the ceiling.
"Okay... tonight after the diner." She squints her eyes shut, and the following words tumble out quickly. "I kissed Theo in his car. That was my first kiss."
She slaps one hand over her eyes and lets out a loud groan. I'm confused by her reaction.
"Oh..." I reply hesitantly.
Her hand slips off her eyes, and she waits cautiously for my response.
"Well, shit," I say.
"I don't know what came over me..." She shakes her head like she's questioning whether it happened at all. "Hey, did you know his dad is the mayor?"
I snort, "Yeah, of course, I knew that."
She scrunches up her face.
"Well, I didn't know that."
Sometimes she's so oblivious. It's like all of the thoughts in her head pull her attention in a hundred different directions, and she can't even notice what is right in front of her.
So... she kissed Theodore Knight. I don't know what to say next.
Finally, I ask, "Do you like him?"
She shrugs her shoulders.
"I guess so... I've never really had someone interested in me like this before. I keep waiting for it all to be a dream. Or for something bad to happen and bring me crashing back to reality."
I'll never understand how she can see the best in everyone else but not herself. She acts as if she doesn't deserve happiness, and if she receives it, then it must be some sort of grand prank from the universe.
She slowly slides her locket across the chain. That's her tell-tale sign when anxiety is beginning to flood her body.
I can tell the giggling phase has passed, and she's becoming more contemplative. Weed always taps into my more primal emotions.
I usually can't feel much besides hunger or desire. Winter always turns more thoughtful. Smoking relaxes her, and instead of her thoughts moving a mile a minute inside her head, they pour out of her like honey.
"What do you want, Winter?"
Her hand pauses, and she looks over at me slowly.
"What?"
I shrug my shoulders. "What do you want?"
She blinks at me. Her mouth opens and closes, but she can't seem to find the words.
She looks lost, and I watch as her eyes study the ceiling. Her lips part and her words float out softly as if she's unaware of them.
"I guess I just wanted to step into the sun."
I understand immediately. She wants to know what it feels like to be wanted.
"And you think cheerleading and Theodore Knight will make you feel that way?"
"I don't know, Eddie. It's been harder than I thought. I still feel like I'm faking it."
Her gaze remains fixed on the ceiling, but her fingers brush over my chest and stretch for the joint.
I sigh and pass it to her gently. She takes a small puff, and I take it back from her, keeping it protectively by my side again.
"Faking it?" I ask softly.
Words continue to pour out of her.
"When my dad was here, I never felt like I was in control of my emotions. I just had to react. I had to remain on high alert. Only when I was by myself could I let myself feel. But, by that point, I didn't want to feel... I just wanted to escape."
I watch her lips close around the truths she just released. I don't want to cut her off, so I allow silence to grow and wait for her to fill it.
She lets out a deep breath.
"Now... I don't know how to trust my feelings. When something happens, I don't know how to feel it. I just react to it. I try to analyze it from every angle and come up with a thousand different reasons for why things happen. It's like I believe that if I lean into something without knowing what's on the other side, I'll just plunge into the abyss."
I know she existed in survival mode for a very long time. As much as she doesn't want to let her experiences color how she treats people, trust is hard for her to find.
Winter smiles, but it doesn't reach her eyes.
"So... you ask me if I like Theo? I really don't know. I think about what might happen if I give him the benefit of the doubt and what might happen if I push him away. But I don't know what the fuck to do."
I exhale deeply, and she looks away from the ceiling. Her head pushes down into the soft carpet, and her locket slides down the side of her neck. I stare deeply into her eyes and find her pleading with me to give her the answer, to decide for her.
"Winnie... you have to trust yourself."
She lets out a small laugh.
"Did you not just hear what I said? I don't know how to do that. I am not you, Eddie. I cannot run full speed ahead with no thought to the consequences of my actions and no worries about whether or not I'll fall on my face."
I knit my eyebrows together.
"That's what I think you do?"
"Eddie... we share a lot of the same trauma. We have the same deep cuts. But... you're a fighter. I'm not."
I shake my head at her.
"Yes, you are. You're tough."
"Not like you. You challenge life; you don't run from it. I just want to feel safe. I don't want to believe anyone will hurt me... I want to believe everyone is good. Because I have to believe that, Eddie."
Her voice cracks and I reach my hand out instinctively toward hers. My fingers brush across her skin, and she doesn't pull away.
"I have to believe it." She repeats. "I will not accept that everything is shitty. There has to be something better."
She's right; we do have a lot of the same scars. Mine have taught me not to expect anything from anyone. I see what I've been through and predict more of the same is coming around the corner. Winter doesn't. She sees where she has been and hopes that what comes next is better. I wish I could believe that, too.
All I can do is try and protect her from the river of shit heading our way. Between the two of us, she deserves the sunlight more. There isn't much hope left for me, but I have to believe there is for her.
I squish my eyes shut and feel a string of words forcing their way out of my mouth.
"I think you should date Theo," I blurt.
Winter gasps softly. I open my eyes and see her shaking her head in disbelief. I can't believe the words came out of my mouth, either. I guess the weed fucked with my brain more than I thought.
I continue quickly, "Only if you want to... but don't hold yourself back. Let yourself go towards what you think will make you happy, and fuck all the doubts in your head that tell you that you don't deserve it. You do deserve it, Winnie."
Her eyes search my face, and I feel a deep tug in my chest. It's a pain deep in my abdomen. I realize that I'm not enough to truly make her happy. It's not her and I against the world anymore; she needs more people. She needs to experience something different. I have to be okay with her chasing that.
"But I..." She starts to protest. "I don't know..."
"Stop it." My voice is firm. "That's bullshit. Whatever you're thinking... it's bullshit."
"Okay..." Her voice falters. "You really want me to date a jock? Seriously?"
I sigh deeply. "No. Not really. But let me be the cynical one, okay? You just do what feels right."
She leans closer to me. She's smiling, but the shock is written all over her face.
"I can't believe you're telling me to date a jock. This is crazy. I feel like I should mark this on my calendar as a historic event."
"Winnie, I'm not telling you... ugh!"
I throw my hands in the air, and she giggles at my tantrum.
The sound of it is music to my ears. I'm glad she feels better now.
I let out a deep breath.
"I'm only telling you to do what makes you happy, okay? And if that's Theodore Knight or cheer or whatever... then you should do it. Still, be careful, but don't talk yourself out of doing something."
I feel her hand wrap lightly around my wrist.
"Okay, Eddie."
She is smiling at me now, and I return it softly.
"This is your year, kid."
She grins. "I thought this was our year."
"Yeah, yeah. But mostly yours."
She giggles, and I smile back at her.
This year does feel different. I'm hurtling toward adulthood, and soon enough, I will have to leave Winter behind. She's still got one more year here, and if everything goes smoothly, I'll be driving out of this town in June.
I don't want to lose my best friend, but she deserves to be happy. I can't leave her if I don't think she'll be okay. I need her to be okay, even when I'm not here to protect her anymore.
"Well..." Winter tilts her head closer to mine, and our hair brushes together softly. She stares up at the ceiling with a small smile. "I'm not going to do anything too crazy. But... maybe I'll let him take me to the movies."
"Wow," I say with a small laugh. "Winnie is taking a walk on the wild side."
She giggles and slaps the back of her hand against my chest. My heart thuds under her fingers for a moment before she pulls it away.
"Hey, can you not decimate those poor freshmen in Hellfire?" She asks.
I snort, "Why are you so concerned about them?"
"This is your last campaign, Eddie. If there was ever a lid on your chaos, it's safe to say that now it's totally blown off. You want to make them suffer."
"Suffering is how we grow," I respond.
"Or maybe you could let them slay a dragon and then frolic through a meadow full of wildflowers? Give them the Shire, please, not Mordor."
Winter looks over at me and squishes her eyebrows together. She wants me to choose kindness, not violence. She's being naive.
I laugh loudly, "Absolutely not."
My tone deepens, and I start to speak in my Dungeon Master voice, "Lord Vecna is coming. Pick a god and pray to it... or don't. Your debt will be paid with your life."
She shakes her head at me. "That's evil."
I shrug my shoulders at her.
Winter clears her throat, and I watch as her eyebrows furrow.
Her voice deepens to mimic mine, "I can taste the essence of your soul. Don't bother fighting back... you have already lost."
I raise my eyebrows at her. That was pretty impressive.
"See..." She giggles. "I would be a great dungeon master."
"Or you can quit cheer and join my final campaign. Help save the boys from Lord Vecna. Keep their secrets safe."
"Do you have any secrets?" She asks softly.
My smile disappears, and I hesitate. I pull my eyes away from hers.
"No. Course not. I'm an open book."
I can feel her nod as her hair brushes against my shoulder.
"Okay," she says quietly.
The joint fizzles between my fingers, and Ride into the Sun by The Velvet Underground hums through her small room.
Winter sighs, "I'm exhausted. I might fall asleep right here. My body feels too heavy, and the bed is too far away."
I look over and watch as her eyelids flutter shut.
"Lightweight," I tease.
Her eyes don't open, but her hand lightly pushes against my cheek.
"Go home, Eddie. I'll see you tomorrow." Her voice is soft and dreamlike.
I reach up on the end of her mattress and pull down a folded quilt. I drape it over her, and before I can stop myself, my fingers brush a lock of hair off her cheek. I trace her smooth skin and tuck the strand behind her ear.
A small smile passes over her face. I pull my hand away and stare at her for a moment longer.
It will be tough when I graduate, and I won't see her every day. These next few months feel precarious and precious. It's the final stretch before I need to move on for good. Anything could happen between now and then.
I switch off her lamp and lift the needle off the vinyl spinning on her console. Pulling my jacket off the window pane, I swing one leg out into the night.
I cast one glance back at Winter. She is still lying on her floor and curls tightly into the quilt.
"Night, Romeo," she mumbles.
I smile, "Goodnight, Juliet."
My converse thud against the dirt beneath her window. I cast one last glance into her bedroom, then walk the dark stretch back to my trailer.
