They Put This in a KID Movie?
(AN: Hi there! Sowwies it took me forever to get this up, but things have been kinda hectic with all the back-to-school stuff – bleaargh, I start on Friday. So here is the WORST part of the movie, The Stampede. Only I lightened it up whenever I could because I HATE watching this part, for the same reason that I have only watched Bambi once, and will most likely never watch it again.)
DISCLAIMER: "Think about it…you're 18, she's 44. When you're 36, she's gonna be 88!"
The scene cuts to the Gorge.
"You know, in French that means throat," Jean-Paul Beaubier aka Northstar (JP) says.
"We know," Bobby says irritably. "We have a French guy right here." He points to Remy, who is sitting on a little rock and looking all cute and innocent…yeah, innocent.
Bobby then does the oh-so-necessary double take. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" he demands, springing away and running to hide behind Jubes.
"The Authoress started it," JP says.
(Um, no I didn't.)
"Not you Authoress," JP says. "The OTHER Authoress writing this thing."
"Spawn of Satan," Bobby shudders.
"And besides, THIS Authoress is going to use him as Josefina when she parodies The New Guy," Jubes says.
Tabby squinted at JP with an eyebrow pencil in one hand and eyebrow wax in the other. "We gotta do something about those Spock eyebrows of yours," she said.
"You're Dizzy," Jubes adds to Bobby.
"Yes I am," Bobby says, stumbling around crosseyed.
"…That's hot," JP says, watching.
"STOP HITTING ON ME!"
"No, you're DIZZY," Jubes says. "As in Dizzy Gil-whatever Harrison."
Bobby looks from Jubes to JP to Jubes to Tabby to JP. "You gotta be KIDDING me!"
"Nope," Tabby says airily.
"Can we get to the parody?" Logan demands. "I'm gonna die this chapter!" Behind him, Remy nods frantically.
"Very well," Kurt says with a long-suffering sigh. "ACTION!"
"Now, you wait here," Mystique says to Remy. "Your father has a marvelous surprise for you."
"Comin' from eit'er pere, dat's not a good t'ing," Remy says.
Kurt coughs pointedly.
"I mean, what is it?" Remy asks eagerly.
"If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise, now would it?" Mystique says.
"If y' tell moi, I'll still act surprised," Remy says.
Mystique chuckles. "You are such a naughty boy." She leans in closer. "Tonight, I'll be your Naughty Girl!" (1)
Remy scrambles back and topples off the rock. "GAH!"
"That is SICK AND WRONG!" Kurt yells.
Remy clambers back up onto the rock and attempts to plead with Mystique. "Come on, Uncle…Aunt…what do I call her?"
Mystique ignores that. "This is just for you and your daddy. You know, a sort of father-son-in-law…thing."
"IN-LAWS?" Kurt demands.
"He…she…y' mere jus' kiddin'!" Remy says hastily.
"Well, I better go get him," Mystique says.
"I'll go wit' y'!" Remy says eagerly, jumping off the rock.
"No!" Mystique says quickly…too quickly. "Just stay on this rock. You wouldn't want to end up in another mess like you did with the hyenas."
"Y' know about dat?" Remy asks.
"Remy, everybody knows about that," Mystique says.
"Really?" Remy asks, his head sinking.
"Oh, yes," Mystique says. "Lucky Daddy was there to save you, eh?" Mystique leans in. "Oh, and just between us, you might want to work on that littler roar of yours, hm?"
"Oh, ok," Remy says. "Hey, Mystique, will I like dis surprise?"
"Remy, it's to die for," Mystique assures him as she saunters off.
Dramatic Music plays as the camera pans up the cliffs of the gorge to – gasp! – lots of Wildebeest!Jamies grazing.
Jamie spits out a mouthful of grass. "This tastes like plastic!"
"That's because you're standing on Astroturf," Kurt says.
"…Oh," Jamie says with a nervous chuckle. "I knew that. Excuse me." He runs off to go throw up.
Tabby, Evan, and Bobby sit under a little outcropping of rock. "Shut up!" Tabby hisses to Evan.
"I can't help it!" Evan says. "I'm so hungry. I gotta have a wildebeest!"
"Stay put," Tabby orders.
"Can't I just pick off one of the little sick ones?" Evan pleads.
"HEY!" the dupes yell.
"We wait for the signal from Mystic," Tabby says.
Mystique walks out onto a little cliff and smirks at them.
"There she is," Tabby says. "Let's go." They start heading for the dupes.
QSC (Quick Scene Change – if you've been reading Skysong's ficcies, you should know this by now) to Remy sulking on his little rock. "Little roar," he mutters. "Puhh."
"Puhh?" Kurt repeats.
(I'm just writing what's on the subtitles.)
"But puhh?"
(Fine.) Remy scoffs.
Chameleon!John walks down the rock past him. Remy growls that little kiddie growl at him.
John keeps walking. Remy leaps after him and growls the little kiddie growl again.
John keeps walking, completely unfazed. Remy leaps right behind him and growls one last time.
John swivels his head around. "Totally pathetic," he says Simon-esquely. (2) He walked off.
Remy's little growl roar echoes off the walls of the gorge. Remy grins, until he notices the ground rumbling beneath him. He looks down and sees the little rocks dancing around. He looks up at a cliff wall and sees all the Wildebeest!Jamie!Dupes (WJDs) running down the cliff – and inevitably toward him.
"Yep, definitely a surprise from de Badger," Remy says with a nod. Then, "BOOK!" He runs as fast as he can.
The WJDs – man, there's a TON of them – thunder down the cliff. A QSC to the top shows that they're running away from Tabby, Evan, and Bobby, who are snapping at them.
QSC to Logan and Scott. Logan shrugs Scott off his back. "Get off me."
"Look, the herd is on the move," Scott says, pointing.
"Odd," Logan says.
Mystique scrambles up to them. "Logan, quick!" she gasps. "Stampede in the gorge. Remy's down there!"
"YES!" Logan yells. "I mean…oh no, Gumbo's in trouble," he says, deadpan.
QSC to Remy, still running, as the WJDs start passing him up. He scrambles onto a dead tree sticking out of the ground and hangs on for dear life.
"Aww, he looks so adorable like that," Tabby says.
"'m about t' die and all y' can say is dat I look ADORABLE?" Remy yells.
Scott flies down into the gorge and spots Remy.
"'m not gonna say dat line," Remy says.
"Oh, come on, it's just acting," Kurt says.
Remy growls. "Scooter, help me," he says, even more deadpan than Logan.
"Your father's on the way! Hold on!" Scott says.
"Non, dat's not really-" Remy stops as Scott flies off. "-Necessary."
QSC to Logan and Mystique sliding down a wall of the gorge and attempting to look worried. Both, obviously, fail completely.
Scott flies over. "There, on that tree!" he says, pointing to Remy almost falling off the slowly uprooting tree.
Logan jumps down the various rocks until he gets to the bottom of the gorge and jumps into the stampede.
"Oh, Mystique, this is awful!" Scott says, flapping agitatedly around Mystique's head. "What do we do? What do we do? Ha! I'll go back to help, that's what I'll do. I'll go back to-" Mystique smacks him against the rock wall.
"THANK YOU!" Kurt exclaims. "…Never thought I'd say that to my mother."
QSC to Logan running with the stampede, trying to get to Remy. He wheels around and heads for the tree, only to get smacked in the face by a dupe. He tumbles over and looks up in time to see a particularly stupid dupe – "HEY!" – run right into the dead tree, crashing it and sending Remy flying through the air.
Logan jumps up and grabs Remy midair, running toward the gorge wall.
QSC to Mystique, stalking around and looking ominous and all.
QSC back to Logan and Remy. A dupe runs right into Logan, knocking Logan one way and Remy the other. Remy gets up and looks around frantically for a little before Logan picks him up and runs. A dupe trips and lands right where Remy had been.
Logan gets to the wall and places Remy on a ledge before another dupe smacks into him and he gets carried away by the stampede. "NOOOOOOOOOON!" Remy yells.
"Okay, now he's starting to freak me out a little," Kurt says.
Remy glances frantically around into the stampede, looking around for Logan. There's several seconds of Oh-My-God-Is-He-Dead-ness before Logan bursts out of sea of dupes and slams into the wall, climbing up it. Remy turns and scrambles further up the ledges to go help him.
"I'm not saying this line," Logan says.
"Oh, come on, it's just acting," Kurt says. "Whoa, déjà vu."
Logan glares the sort of glare that would burn Kurt to a crisp if looks could kill and tries to open his mouth.
A weird strangled noise comes out. Logan scrabbles at the rock while Mystique, standing on the ledge, waits patiently.
Not. After 3.62 seconds of waiting, she leans over and brags Logan by the paws, digging her claws in. "MOTHER-!" Logan yells.
"Relax, you ain't my baby's daddy," Mystique says, and leans closer. "…Yet."
"GAAAAH!" Logan screams, wrenching free and tumbling backwards to land and get trampled by the dupes.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!" Remy yells. He climbs down frantically as the last of the stampede passes by. A stray dupe jumps over him and runs by a lump of…something.
Oh, wait, that's Logan.
Remy runs over. "Come on," he says, tugging on Logan's ear.
A little flask falls out of Logan's mane. "Dere it is!" Remy exclaims, grabbing it and hugging it to his chest (which looks pretty funny, considering he's a lion). "M' bourbon!" Noticing everyone's WTF looks, he explains, "It fell out when he grabbed moi."
"You thought he was actually screaming over Wolverine?"JP says.
"Why are you here?" Kurt demands.
"I haven't talked in a while."
Mystique walks up to him. "Remy," she says. "What have you done?"
"Dere were WJDs," Remy says, "And he tried t' save moi."
"Only because it was in the script and would get me out of the parody!" Logan says quickly.
"Actually, you gotta do that whole ghostly advisor thing later," Kurt says. "Go back to being dead!"
"It was an accident," Remy says.
"Of course it was," Mystique assures him. "But the king is dead. If it weren't for you, he would still be alive." She gasps. "What will your mother think?"
Kurt strolled over to a conveniently placed closet and yanked the door open. Ororo and Forge tumbled out, still in a lip-lock. "Someone say my name?" Ororo asked.
"Y' a lioness…et he's a baboon," Remy says. "Dat don' look right."
"Run away," Mystique advises. "Run away and never return."
Remy takes one glance at Storge and runs for it.
Tabby, Evan, and Bobby come out of the dust clouds. "Kill him," Mystique says, and they run after him.
Remy runs down a path that stops at a dead end created by a steep pile of rocks. He turns and sees Tabby, Evan, and Bobby walking toward him, then starts climbing.
Remy runs out to a ledge and stops dead, seeing a steep drop broken by a huge tangle of thorns. Evan, Tabby, and Bobby start gaining on him, so Remy decides Pourquoi pas and jumps.
He tumbles down the cliff wall, slides off an outcropping, and crashes through the thorn branches, getting to his feet almost immediately and climbing his way out.
Evan, Tabby, and Bobby slide down the rock after him…well, until Evan sees the thorns beneath them. "SHIT!" He slides to a stop on the outcropping with a sigh of relief. Then Tabby bumps him closer to the edge as he slides into him.
Then Bobby slides into them both, sending Evan flying into the thorns. "SON OF A – MOTHER – GAAAAAAAH!" He pops briefly out of the thorns, clutching his butt, while Tabby and Bobby collapse with laughter.
Evan clambers up out of the thorns and onto the outcropping. Tabby laughs at him before noticing Remy running off into the sunset. "Hey! There he goes!"
Evan yanks three thorns out of his paw. "So go get him!"
"There's no way I'm going in there!" Tabby says. "What, you want me to come out looking like you, Cactus Butt?"
Evan yanks three thorns out of his butt, notices Bobby still laughing at him, and spits them out onto Bobby's nose.
Bobby promptly yanks them out. "Eeeeeeeeeew!" he says. "Those were in your ASS!"
Tabby scoots further away from Evan. "Well, he's as good as dead out there, anyway," she says, nodding at Remy. "And if he comes back, we'll kill him."
"Yeah! You hear that?" Evan yells after Remy. Wow, he must've pulled the rest of those thorns outta him at LIGHT SPEED or something. "You ever come back, we'll kill ya!"
They all laughed and turned to head back. "Um," Evan says. "How do we get back up?"
AT PRIDE ROCK…
Mystique is telling them the bad news. "Logan's death is a terrible tragedy, but to lose Remy, who had barely begun to live-"
"'m 21, t'ank y' very much!" Remy says indignantly.
"Compared to Logan, you're just out of your mom's womb," Kurt says. "MY MOMMY DIDN'T LOVE ME!"
"Not this again," Rogue mutters.
"Aren't you supposed to be sobbing over Remy's death?" Jubes asks.
"Eh, Ah'll be okay," Rogue says with a shrug.
"Chere, y' wound m'," Remy says tragically, placing a hand over his heart.
"Remy, you're supposed to be passed out in some desert," Kurt says.
"But-"
"Go!" Kurt orders, pointing.
Remy glares and stalks off, muttering something in French under his breath.
"So it is with a heavy heart I assume the throne," Mystique continues. "Yet out of the ashes of this tragedy," Creepy hyena shadows appear on Pride Rock behind her, "We shall rise to greet the dawning of a new era in which lion and hyena come together in a great and glorious future!"
Further off, Forge shakes his head. There's a QSC, and he's sitting in his tree thingie, in front of his little picture of Remy. Wiping away a tear, he reached out and drew a hand across the picture, smudging it.
"…Riiiiiight," Kurt said. "That's a wrap for today, people!"
"What about moi?" Remy demands from his little spot in the desert.
"You're stuck there until Skysong writes you out of it," Kurt says cheerfully. "Have fun!"
(1) – The song Naughty Girl by Beyoncé. Before Destiny's Child got back together.
(2) – Mr. I-Can-Wear-A-White-Shirt-Three-Sizes-Too-Small from Americal Idol.
Um…yeah. Tried not to make it too dreary. Review, please!
