Hakuna Ma-What Now?

(PL: This is seriously overdue, sowwies! Okay, so I've decided to try and post this with the lyrics. Don't report it, okay? It's part of the movie we're parodying, it should be allowed. If it gets taken down...then I'll repost it sans lyrics after the seven days are up.)

Disclaimer: "A new religion that'll bring you to your knees... like Velveeta Cheese."

Hakuna Ma-what now?

(An: Now that I can write it, I can say it: WHEEE! JP! No, I haven't stuck it up on EE… I'll do that to waste time later. By the way, I'll be able to update promptly now; my VCR has been fixed. Ain't life grand?)

Jean-Paul facepalms. "Oh, Dieu," he mutters. "Not more comments about my 'Spock eyebrows'…"

Author: FYI, JP LOSES the Spock eyebrows after he got into the X-men and off of Alpha Flight- i.e. got some good artists working on him for once. –happy squeal-

"Oh, no, not you!" (1) JP attempts to run away, but Jubilee steps on his foot. "Ow! …hey, aren't you dating Bobby, thus making you hate me?"

"I think it's funny to see Bobby scream like a girl," Jubes replies, inspecting her nails. "But if you make this a habit, I'll have to kill you."

"Um, bonjour!" Remy yells. "I'm still languishing in de desert, here!"

"And I'm being hit on by a crazy French dude! There's no comparison!" Bobby yells, still trying to escape.

"…y' win."

"Hey, we still have to change John back into a meerkat!" Kurt yells.

"Right, right," Forge mutters.

FIVE MINUTES LATER…

"Oh, God, what am I now?" John demands, looking at himself.

"We've been through this, John," Piotr says, annoyed. "You're a meerkat."

"But I don't look like a cat…"

Piotr attempts to facepalm. He instead ends up smacking himself in the face with his hoof and gets a big bruise. "…ow…"

"I'm so confused," John mutters.

"Aren't we all?" Piotr agrees.

"Oh, boy, existentialism from a warthog," Kurt mutters, rubbing his forehead. "Why don't we just get started… please?"

So, y'know we see Remy languishing in the desert, half-dead, etc. etc. who really cares, blah blah blah... Buzzards circle in the air. "It's so nice t' know that I'm loved," Remy drawls, opening one eye.

"How many times do I have to say it!" Kurt yells. "Shut up and be dead!"

"...But I ain't dead!"

"Unconcious, then! God, you're so picky."

Remy rolls his eyes and goes back to being unconcious and stuff. The buzzards land and are about to have Remy a la carte, when Piotr and John ride in, yelling and kicking at the buzzards and stuff."YEEHA!"

"Get out! Get out! Get outta here!" John yells, as the buzzards fly off.

"I love this- bowling for buzzards!" Piotr agrees.

"Hee hee hee, gets 'em every time!" John chuckles, dusting himself off. "I'm still not sure what myself exactly is, here."

"Oh, quit whining," Forge mutters in the background. "You're not a monkey shaman with a blue butt."

"True, there's that," John agrees. He pauses, and then bursts out laughing. "Ah! Haha! Your butt is blue!"

"Haven't we already been through this?" Forge sighs.

"We-ell, John-boy always has been a bit slow to catch on," Remy points out.

"Hey! I have an IQ of 128, here, Mr. 'Dat's none o' y'r business!'"

"...Dat was de worst Cajun accent I ever heard. M' comrades in N'awlins weep."

"Hey, I'm Australian here. Our accent is sooo much sexier than yours."

Remy snorts.

Piotr clears his throat.

"Yeah, yeah, get on with it, mate," John responds, flapping a hand at him.

Piotr nudges Remy (who has gone back to being unconcious, his paw sheilding his eyes). "Uh-oh… hey, John, you'd better come look. I think it's still alive."

John looks distinctly squicked, but goes to investigate anyway. "All righty… what do we got here?" He lifts up Remy's paw. "Dude, what did you drink?"

"M' burboun. No way was I gonna let Logan take it again."

"Oh. Right. Shoulda guessed." He clears his throat, and jumps away in terror. "Geez! It's a lion!" He scrambles up on top of Piotr and grabs his ears like they're reins.

"That's not very comfortable, you know," Piotr grumbles.

John ignores him. "Run, Piotr, move!"

"Oh, John, it's just a little lion… look at him. He's so cute and all alone! Can we keep him?"

"Piotr, are you nuts?" John cries, grabbing Piotr's ear and shouting into it like a microphone.

"GAH!" Piotr cries, eye twitching. "Too... loud!"

"Sorry." John clears his throat again. "He's a lion! Lions eat guys like us!" He cowers behind the tip of Piotr's snout.

"But he's so little…" Piotr dips his head and John falls off, continuing to admonish Piotr from the ground.

"He's gonna get bigger!"

"But maybe he'll be on our side."

"That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. Maybe he'll be- hey, I got it! Maybe he'll be on our side!" John pauses, and deadpans to the camera. "Remember, I'm the smart Acolyte." He jumps back on Piotr, who scoops up Remy... with his nose. Yeah. "Having a lion around might not be such a bad idea!"

"So we're keepin' him?"

"Of course. Who's the brains in this outfit?"

"Uh…"

"My point exactly. Jeez, I'm fried. Let's get outta here and find some shade."

There's a QSC (quick scene change, and don't expect me to translate that again) to a little oasis in the middle of the barren, dry, cracked- "SHUT UP!" Remy yells. "I'm thirsty enough!"

Ok, ok, how about the arid desert? "Better." I'm so glad. (/sarcasm)

So, anyway, John is splashing water onto Remy's face. Remy stirs, blinks, and glares at John. "You okay, kid?"

"I guess so."

"You nearly died!" Piotr adds. Helpfully, I'm sure.

"I saved you," John says. Piotr snorts indignantly. John rolls his eyes and adds, "Piotr helped. A little."

"Thanks for your help." Remy starts off, doing the "I'm a Cajun cub and I'm SAD!" thing again.

"Hey, where you goin'?" John asks.

"Nowhere."

"We already are nowhere," Kurt replies.

"At least you're not on this patch of nonexistence," Rahne mutters, and then disappears.

"What was that about?" John asks, blinking.

"That was her Comment Cameo," Piotr responds, giving John a WTF look. "You should know; you do them enough." (2)

"Gee, he looks blue," John comments to Piotr.

"I'd say brownish-gold," Piotr replies, always willing to show off his only talent.

"No no no, I mean he's depressed."

"Oh."

"Toldja I was the smart one," John whispers to the camera. Piotr and John catch up to Remy, who stops and stares at the ground... sadly.

"Hey, kid, what's eatin' ya?" Piotr asks.

"Nothing, he's at the top of the food chain! Ahahaha! The food chain! Ahahahaaah..." He elbows Remy in the side, and then sees that nobody's getting it and shuts up. He clears his throat. Again. "So... where you from?"

"Who cares? I can't go back." Remy pauses, and sits down, looking sniffly. "I can't." He bursts into tears. "Gone! It's all gone!" (3)

In the background, Rogue bursts out laughing. "Doesn't it bother you that the suffering of others brings you such joy?" Kitty asks her, looking concerned.

Rogue pauses, and stares at Kitty. "This is Remy we're talking about here."

"Oh. Right. Carry on."

Kurt facepalms. "Somebody get the brick!"

Remy eeps and stops crying. "No!" he yells, running behind Piotr. "Not de brick! I'm scared of de brick!"

Piotr rolls his eyes.

"So can we continue?" John asks, tapping his feet.

Remy clears his throat. "I'm okay now."

"Ah, you're an outcast!" John cries. "That's great, so're we."

"What'd you do, kid?" Piotr chimes in.

"Something terrible. But I don't wanna talk about it." And again, Angsty!Lion!Baby!Remy strikes. Jeez, that's a lotta exclamation points.

"Good! We don't wanna hear about it!" John replies. "Really.

"C'mon, John," Piotr says, being the "caring" one again, "isn't there anything we can do?"

"Not unless you can change the past..." Remy mumbles.

"You know, in times like this, my comrade John here says 'You gotta put your behind in your past...' wait..."

"No, no, no, amateur," John says, gesturing condescendingly at Piotr. "Lie down before you hurt yourself." He turns to Remy. "It's 'You gotta put your past behind you.' Look, kid, bad things happen, and you can't do anything about it, right?"

"Would y' stop callin' me kid? I'm four years older than y'!" (4)

"We don't have time for trivialities!"

Remy rolls his eyes. "Right!"

"Wrong!" John cries, poking Remy in the nose. He attempts a Cajun accent again. Or something. "When the world turns its back on you, you turn your back on the world."

"Well, that's not what I was taught. Yeah, y' supposed t' pick de world's pockets if it has its back turned."

John stares at him a moment, then replies, "Then maybe you need a new lesson. Repeat after me: Hakuna Matata."

"What?"

"Ha-ku-na Ma-ta-ta," Piotr says, slowly and clearly for the stupid Cajun boy's benefit. "It means 'no worries.'"

Author: All right, you know the drill: Italics is John singing, bold is Piotr singing, and underline is Remy singing. I hope you can work out any combination of the three yourself.

"Hakuna Matata

What a wonderful phrase

Hakuna Matata

Ain't no passin' craze"

The music proper starts up, and John and Piotr start to jam. Remy just stares at them WTF-ly.

Somehow, they go to a green, leafy tree stump as opposed to the barren, dry, cracked-

"SHUT UP!"

Author: Everybody's a critic.

As opposed to the desert. John shoves Remy down onto the stump so he's reclining and Piotr fans him with a branch. "Ow!"

"Sorry," Piotr responds. "It's really hard to aim with your mouth."

"It means no worries

For the rest of your days

It's our problem-free

Philosophy"

John pulls a nail file out of absolutely nowhere and files down Remy's nails from vicious points to... y'know, almost nonexistence.

"Hakuna Matata"

"Hakuna Matata?" Remy asks, with a WTF eyebrow.

"Yeah! It's our motto!" Piotr says, then blinks. "Wait, I thought our motto was 'If it's not moving, steal it. If it is moving, run!'"

John quickly slaps his hand over Piotr's mouth. "Eheheh, he's just kidding..." He kicks Piotr. "Right, Piotr?"

"Oh, da, yes."

"...What's a motto?" Remy asks, still with the eyebrow.

"Nothin'! Whatsamatta with you?" John says (he's given up on the Cajun and is now trying for a Jersey accent).

"Y' still suck," Remy informs him, deadpanning.

John is Not Amused.

"You know, kid, these two words will solve all your problems," Piotr says, nodding.

"That's right. Take Piotr for instance."

"When he was a young warthog

When I was a young WARTHOG!" He sings this last bit loudly and operatic... ly, with a "Bwahahah! Revenge!" look. Well, for him, anyway.

"Very nice," John agrees, wincing as he cleans out his ear. Gross, yo.

"Thank you, comrade."

"He found his thick accent lacked a certain appeal," John sing-narrates, as we see Piotr walk up to the watering hole. Everyone else looks up, and runs away. Piotr sniffles.

"He could clear the savannah in just one meal

I'm a sensitive soul, though I have metal skin" Piotr glances at his script, and then frowns. "I'm supposed to go metal here."

"Don't care!" Forge yells in the background.

John shrugs at Piotr and goes on singing. "And it hurt that his mates never listened to him! ...But that's just business as usual. We always ignore each other. Nobody can ever understand a word we say."

"And yet they still t'ink our accents are sexy," Remy comments.

"DAMN STRAIGHT!"

The music changes slightly, becoming Southern-church-gospel-testimony-y. You know what I'm talking about.

"And oh, the shame!

He was ashamed!

Thought of changing my name!

Oh, what's in a name?

And I felt my face flushing

How did you feel?

Every time I accidentally spoke-" John rushes up and covers his mouth.

"Hey, mate, not in front of the kids.

All I was going to say was 'Russian.'

Oh." (5)

"Hey, Piotr, I think your accent's sexy!" Kitty yells in the background.

"So do Ah!" Rogue agrees.

Kurt and Remy exchange glances. "Er... They didn't mean that," Remy says, choosing to be stupid.

"Romy and Kurtty," Kurt agrees. "Just keeep saying that."

Piotr and John stare at them for a moment, and then climb onto vine swings, singing again.

"Hakuna Matata

What a wonderful phrase

Hakuna Matata

Ain't no passin' craze"

Somehow, Remy steps into the spotlight and takes it. Yeah.

"It means no worries

For the rest of your days"

"Yeah, sing it, kid," John cries, doing a disco-esque knee slide. "OW! Friction burn!"

"It's our problem-free" the two croon, and then Piotr finally untangles himself from his vine and lands on the ground.

"Philosophy

Hakuna Matata"

There's another QSC to John shoving aside a leaf to reveal a gorgeous view. "Welcome to our humble home."

"You live here?" Remy gasps, managing to look impressed and extremely bored. Have to give him props for that.

"We live wherever we want."

"Yep, home is where your rump rests! ...considering that I'm a pig, that's not a very good phrase."

"Beautiful," Remy says, ignoring that last.

There's a QSC to Piotr, Remy, and John strolling along somewhere in the jungle. Piotr burps... Piotr burps... HELLO!

"I'm sorry, I can't do it!" Piotr sobs, leaning back on his heels. "I'm too me!"

"...Y' see, dis is why we changed de song," Remy mutters. He facepaws (unlike Piotr, he can actually pull it off).

"Just skip it," Kurt mutters. "This is hopeless.

Ok, fine. So Piotr doesn't burp- "I said I was sorry!"

Anyway, he says instead, "I'm starved."

"I'm so hungry I could eat a whole zebra," Remy agrees.

John stops short, looking squicked again. "So I'm a 'meerkat' and a vegetarian?"

"You mean you aren't?" Kitty demands.

"Uh, no... I will eat shit on a shingle if I can flambe it."

"And probably has," Remy agrees. (6)

So, anyway, John says, "Ahah, we're fresh outta zebra."

"Any antelope?" Remy asks, looking steadily less hopeful as John continues to shoot him down.

"Nuh-uh."

"Hippo?"

"Nope. Listen, kid, if you're gonna live with us, you have to eat like us."

"Wait, y' mean I have to go back t' cold ravioli and beer? 'Cause dat's what we ate."

"...I hope not..." John says. "My system's only just got back on track." (7) So, anyway, John walks over to a moss-covered log. "This looks like a good place to rustle up some grub." Piotr pushes up the log, revealing... a bunch of vegemite sandwiches shaped like bugs?

"Well, we would've had real bugs and a Fear Factor joke, but somebody ate the real bugs," Kurt says, with a pointed glance at Todd, who shrugs.

Author: But why vegemite?

"Well, I had some, and it's generally considered by American blokes to be the nastiest stuff on the planet..." John shrugs. (8) He holds up a sandwich.

"Ew! What's that?"

"A grub, what's it look like?"

"Ew! Gross!"

"Mmm!" He pops it into his mouth with the relish only an Australian who's been raised on the stuff can manage. "Tastes like chicken!"

Piotr (who looks vaguely squicked) sucks up one of the sandwichs, gags, and then manages a half-assed smile. "Slimy yet satisfying!"

John walks over to a termite mound and picks up a sandwich with peanut butter... atop the vegemite. EW! "These are very rare delicacies. Mmm." Now he tries a British accent (he's better at this one; only a little bit, though). "Pecans, with a very pleasant crunch."

"You learn to love 'em!" Piotr deadpans, devouring a whole mouthful of the stuff. "Can I get some mouthwash, here?"

"After we're done," says Kurt in an "if you must" tone.

"I'm telling you kid, this is the great life," John says, putting a whole bunch of the sandwiches on a leaf platter. "No rules, no responsibilities- ooh! The little cream-filled kind!" he exclaims, picking up a Twinkie, "- and best of all, no worries! Well, kid?" he asks, offering Remy the platter.

"Oh, well, Hakuna Matata," Remy mumbles, looking really squicked. He picks up one of the sandwiches, eats it, gags, and then manages a slightly less disgusted look. "Slimy... yet satisfying! ...oui, mouthwash would be good."

John huffs. "Americans are so damn picky."

"...But I'm not American, and I still think it's gross," Piotr points out.

"Trivialities!" John yells. "That's it!"

Thanks to the wonders of special effects, the sandwiches fly up and away to wherever sandwiches fly to, allowing Piotr, Remy, and John to do a QSC to them walking across a log bridge, as Remy gets steadily older (you can tell because he goes from just hair, to that lameo bowl cut, to proper shaggy Remy hair).

There's yet another QSC, to the guys strolling across the ground, and y'know, grooving.

"Hakuna

Matata

Hakuna

Matata

Hakuna

Matata

Hakuna

It means no worries

For the rest of your days

It's our problem-free

Philosophy" Remy takes it again as they all jump off a log bridge and into a pond, one by one.

"Hakuna Matata

Hakuna Matata

Hakuna Matata

Haaaakuna Matata" When Remy falls in, of course, he creates a wave large enough so that Piotr and John (riding on Pete's back) get swept ashore. Remy steps out of the lake, soaked.

So, yeah. They walk off, jamming and stuff like that.

"Hakuna Matata

Hakuna Matata

Hakuna Matata

Hakuna Matata

Ta ta..."

There's a QSC to the Pride Lands, which, apparently, in the two-odd years we've left it, has really gone to seed. You know, no grass, barren landscape, no water, etc. etc.? We hear Scott singing. Everyone winces.

Author: Ordinarily this is one of my favorite parts in the movie but just- ugh!

Scott is stuck in a ribcage (rimshot), bemoaning his troubles whilst Mystique reclines on a stone slab, picking her teeth with a splintery bone. Ok, EW.

"Noooobody knows

The trouble I've seen

Noooobody knows

My sorrow"

"Oh, Scott, do lighten up," Mystique says, pitching the bone at him. "Seriously. Sing something with a little, mmm, bounce in it!" Seeing Mystique do a "bounce" expression is something that will haunt the minds of all XME characters forever after. "Ha ha, very funny, it is to laugh."

"You do a terrible Daffy Duck," Kurt informs her in the background. (9)

"It's a small world after all!" Scott sings, looking disgusted. (10)

"No, no! Anything but that!" Mystique cries, terrified.

"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts

Deedly dee dee

There they are a-standing in a row

Do do do"

Apparently, Mystique (who is playing a guy) enjoys a badly disguised boob innuendo song over a slightly annoying and circular Disney classic, because she pulls out a skull (!) and begins to sing along with it.

"Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head..." Scott trails off as Mystique goes on.

"Oh, I never would have had to do this for Logan!" Scott moans. "Actually, I might've... he gets really weird with punishment stuff.

Of course, this pisses Mystique off. "He never returns my calls!" Mystique sniffles.

"Get it through your head, woman," Logan yells at her. "I hate you."

"Shut up and be dead!" Of course, it's not Kurt who yells it this time, it's Remy, who's doing a lion-y smirk.

So, anyway, Mystique growls and bounds over to Scott's cage (punpunpun) and snaps, "What? What did you say?"

"Erm, nothing, nothing!"

"You know the law! Never, ever mention that name in my presence! I am the king! ...Queen!"

"Oh, God, let's not get into that again," Remy begs in the background.

"Yes, sire, you are the king! I-I, well, I only mentioned it to illustrate the differences in your royal managerial approaches!"

Author: Honestly, who else but Scott could you see saying that?

Mystique is interrupted from her Scott-torture session by the arrival of the three hyenas.

"Hey, boss!" Evan yells.

"Oh, what is it this time?" Mystique groans.

"We got a bone to pick with you! ...that is the worst pun I've ever heard."

"If he can pick it out, it must be," Mystique whispers to the camera.

"I heard that!"

"I know."

"I'll handle this," Tabby says condescendingly. "Mystique, there's no food, no water."

"Yeah! It's dinner time, and we ain't got no stinkin' entrees!"

"Badgers?" Kurt cries in the background, prounouncing it "Batchees". "We don't need no stinkin' badgers!" He seems delighted with this. (11)

"It's the lioness's job to do the hunting!"

"Therefore making it your job," Evan points out. Mystique glares at him. "... I mean, yeah, but they won't go hunt!"

"Oh... eat Scott!"

All of the three hyenas look too disgusted to speak.

"Oh, you wouldn't want me! I'd be so tough and gamey and- ew!"

"Exactly," Mystique agrees dryly.

"Hey! You're supposed to disagree with me!"

"But it is true," Mystique replies. Then she sighs and says her line. "Oh, Scott, don't be ridiculous. All you need is a little garnish."

"And I thought things were bad under Logan," Evan whispers to Tabby.

"I beg to differ," Mystique purrs. "Things were great under Logan."

"Like you would know!" Ororo scoffed.

"It's not like you would, either," Forge says. "...Right?"

Ororo just smirks slightly and says nothing.

"What did you say?" Mystique snarls.

"I said Log- I said, uh, que pasa? ...ok, that did NOT rhyme," Evan mutters.

Author: I shall never be condemned for being original.

"Get out," Mystique says.

The hyenas hurry to do what she says, and then Evan pauses. "Uh, but we're still hungry."

"Get out!" Mystique yells, and the hyenas scatter, whimpering. Except for Bobby, who's doing his signature stupid laugh.

"I think I'm gonna go commit ritualistic Japanese-style suicide," Forge moans, wandering off.

The cardboard Ororo falls over and Mystique snickers. "What'd I miss?" Ororo asks, coming out from behind the set. "...Forge?"

"Y' tell her, absolute power boy," Remy whispers to Kurt.

"You're her friend, not me!"

"And you're the director."

"Dammit!"

"Seriously, where's Forge?"

(...Yeah. There we go. Whatever.)

(1) I love JP. Love to torture Bobby with him, that is.

(2) I love doing these. They happen a lot. I've just never given them a proper name before.

(3) Can we have a moment of silence for the coolest city in Louisiana?

(4) According to me, John is seventeen and Remy is twenty-one. Piotr is the only Acolyte with a canon age- he's eighteen.

(5) Peachy Lime wrote this, not me. I'm not that nuts. Close, but not quite.

(6) Butchered quote from IT.

(7) I dunno, I always pictured the Acolytes as not well treated- y'know, living in a shack somewhere, eating cold pasta and cursing Magneto or pranking the monkey or something.

(8) Vegemite, for the perpetually clueless, is this truly NASTY stuff that the Australians like to A) spread on toast and B) feed to unsuspecting tourists for a laugh.

(9) I only pointed this out because there are indeed people who don't seem to understand where "Ha ha, it is to laugh" or "Shoulda taken that left turn at Albequerque" come from. It's a sad, sad world we live in.

(10) I like this song. We played it in handbells, so we'd always go back into school singing it. Maybe they put something into the water of private schools... (PL: At HER private school. At MY private school, there was an entire week of nonstop singing We're All In This Together from High School Musical.)

(11) Um, DUH! Spiderman quote.