I woke up to warmth; a hand holding me against a comforting body, a peaceful silence and the feeling of safety. Ever since I came here to the Naruto universe, I hadn't felt this. I was constantly terrified, waking up in strange places, confused of where I was waking up at…but this feeling of being truly, honestly safe choked me up. I could feel my throat closing and I swallowed a few times in response.
My eyes were still closed shut against the light behind my lids and I could feel tears starting to creep from beneath them. I closed them tighter to hold them back. My fists clenched tighter where they laid on the bed.
I felt so weak that this feeling was overwhelming me.
I was brought out of my thoughts by a different hand than the one against my back petting my hair back comfortingly. I finally looked up and saw Kurenai by the bedside with her face twisted in concern. I could see that Kakashi's (and now mine) hospital room was occupied by Kurenai, Asuma, Gai and Genma. I felt my heart warm even more at the scene and I reached up to grab Kurenai.
The hand on my back pulled back and Kurenai reached down to pull me into a hug. I could hear her shushing me as she helped lead me out of the bed and out of the room into the hallway. I kept my head down and avoided eye contact with the others.
We closed the door behind us, but Kurenai didn't stop there. She led me down the hallways, twisting and turning here and there with her arm over my shoulders and holding me tightly into her side. I realized where we were going as the smell of food hit my nose.
At first smell, my stomach grumbled. She led me to a table in the corner of the room away from others and without another word, went to grab some food. Hospital food is dismal at best, but I wasn't going to say no to food. And coffee. That thought had me watching her carefully to make sure she grabbed something to perk me up.
As she came back with two trays balanced in her arms with a steaming cup of coffee, I looked up at her gratefully and she seemed to understand as she smiled back at me.
As she put our trays in front of us and I reached out to take a tentative sip of my coffee (hoping for caffeine), she asked, "What happened back there, Rin?"
I paused with the coffee cup half way to my mouth. I could feel my eyebrows furrow.
She put her hand over my left that sat on the table comfortingly. "Did sleeping in that bed with Kakashi bring up bad memories?"
I jerked in surprise and put my coffee cup down quickly. I pulled away from her and waved at her erratically. "No! Not at all. I wasn't thinking about that!" At her continued inquisitive look, and I could see she didn't quite believe me, I hastily went to respond. "It was the opposite. For the first time in a long time, I felt safe. I wasn't afraid of where I would wake up, I wasn't disoriented, I wasn't in a strange place, I wasn't in an unsafe place. I slept so peacefully."
Her face started to show her understanding.
"I woke up in the arms of someone I trusted. I woke up feeling like I wasn't in danger. That no one would hurt me. I wasn't sad, I was so happy. I was grateful beyond words."
"Oh, Rin," She said and grabbed my hand again. "That's got to be so hard. I didn't realize you were still struggling so much. You haven't been back long, but it feels like so much has happened and so fast, too. I didn't think. I'm sorry."
I shook my head immediately. "No, you haven't done anything wrong. You've been great. You've been there for me, listened to my problems, taken me out to eat and even made me food. How could I complain about that? Besides, you have your own life to live. You can't spend it worrying about me all the time."
"Still…" She said, trailing off. Finally she seemed to be shaking off the rest of her thoughts. She looked back down at our uneaten food. "How long has it been since you've eaten? Honestly?"
I gave a strangled, if defensive noise of offense. "Really, Kurenai, you don't need to mother me. I can take care of myself. Besides, I've gone long periods of time without food. I don't get very hungry and mostly eat because I know it's expected of me and I'd concern others if I didn't."
"Concern others like the man at the base you told me about?" She asked probingly. She lifted her cup of steaming hot tea and I could feel my lips purse at her against my wishes.
Unease and pain filled my chest as I thought on how to respond. "We did argue about my food intake…" I said hesitantly. "I got into trouble for not eating." I gave a fake laugh that I hoped she bought. "I told him that I had allergies and when he asked me to specify, I refused."
Rather than amused, she seemed more concerned. "How did he react?" She set her cup down as she stared at me unnervingly.
"Ah…not…not well." I admitted. I grabbed my cup of coffee and ignored the burning as I chugged it quickly. I had a feeling I needed something for this conversation. I got the feeling I was not going to be let off easily. If anything, Kurenai brought me down here for interrogation.
Her face was downturned as she stared at me imploringly. "How did he react?" She repeated, her tone telling me that this was something she would not budge on.
I clenched my eyes together before dropping the cup of coffee that had left than a fourth left. I looked down at it forlornly, almost wishing for something stronger. I looked up at her and met her eyes despairingly.
"Please?" She asked. "I think you need to talk to someone, Rin, and as much as Kakashi could use you and you could use him, trauma bonding is not healthy."
"I know that," I responded quickly.
"You say that, but I see the way you and Kakashi are after just a few days. Your bond isn't healthy. You two can definitely use each other, but you shouldn't be dependent on each other, either."
I looked away from her, not wanting to admit that she was right. My mouth tasted like ash as I finally agreed with her verbally. "You're right. What Kakashi and I are doing isn't healthy. What we're doing isn't okay. I just want to help him. I also need him. Does that make sense?"
"Rin," She said in a soothing voice, "Of course it does. What you two have been through, I can't imagine. I cannot comprehend it. You two have lost more than most; you two have survived traumatic experiences with each other. Of course you would bond. Of course it makes sense, Rin, but that doesn't mean it is healthy."
I clenched my teeth together and took a deep breath in through my nose, holding it for five seconds and then letting it out through my mouth.
"Okay," I agreed reluctantly. "The man was pissed." I could see his reaction in the back of my mind and I could distantly realize I was almost having a flashback. I could see it so clearly; I could smell him, almost feel the chair I had sat on. I could see the moment when he came to realization. "He grabbed me." I continued as the scene passed through my eyes.
I no longer saw Kurenai, but I could hear her breath hitch.
"He dragged me out of my room." I could feel his grip on me, my resistance, my feet dragging and the tugging sensation. The panic and fear that overcame me at the moment. I could distantly realize my voice had taken on a detached tone. "He forced me down hallways until he shoved me into a room." I could remember my shock and fear as I took in the bathroom. "He had taken me to the bathroom."
I could feel Kurenai clutch my hand tightly in hers and her intake of breath at my words.
I continued on regardless, she had wanted to hear it, and now that I was seeing it and reliving it, I couldn't stop. "He'd grabbed clothes, make up, face paint on the way. I had refused to change clothes, to shower, to eat. He'd had enough."
Kurenai's voice had a barely there tremble as she spoke. "What happened then?" The words were breathy and she attempted to be calm and comforting as she spoke, but I could hear the fear that lied underneath.
"He told me that I was not allowed to leave the bathroom until I cleaned up, changed clothes and put face paint and make up on. He left me in the bathroom, but I don't know if I was ever alone." I hadn't acknowledged it then, because I couldn't believe that the reality I had been dragged to was real, but I now had to consider the possibility. "Their spy can be anywhere at anytime; he's untraceable."
My apathetic tone started to take an almost panicked turn and I could feel Kurenai start to rub the back of my hand with her thumb in an attempt to calm me. "It makes sense, actually." I said in realization. "I cried for a while, and finally started to comply. The man came back just after I had finished the make up. How else would he have known I had done what he'd asked? How else would he have known that I was finished?"
I could feel my lips start to tremble as I began to feel a bit of humiliation and the disgust of violation. I had no proof, of course, but…
Would Obito really do that? Is he capable of such a thing? Am I wrong – was I wrong about him?
Kurenai began shushing sounds again and I felt her grab my hand and curl my fingers around the handle of the steaming fourth cup of coffee. I did not feel the energy to hold it and she helped lift it to my lips. "Drink," She ordered softly. I complied with the request and tried to bring myself back to awareness.
I could see my surroundings start to filter in and I focused on the feel of the ceramic cup both in my hand and at my lips. Kurenai came back into focus and her concerned and sympathetic face reminded me why I was here.
I felt safe in Kakashi's bed and in his arms. I was crying. She brought me here because she was worried I hadn't eaten in a while. Trauma bonding isn't healthy. I had a form of dissociation and a flashback.
As all that came back to me, I tightened my grip on my cup and when Kurenai realized I was back, she let go of the cup as I held onto it with my own strength. I finished the cup and immediately reached for the dessert on my tray with trembling fingers.
"Perhaps something with more nutrition first?" Kurenai offered.
I shook my head emphatically. "No, if I can't have any alcohol right now, then I better be having dessert."
Kurenai continued to stare at me with the same look. "Did you drink often? While you were captive?"
I glanced up at her after my first bite of mochi. As I chewed, I thought of the best response. "I don't drink often." I answered honestly. "I've probably drank as many days as the number of fingers I have on one hand." I took another bite as I stewed on that thought. "I drink on bad days. A coping mechanism, but I usually try to stick to coffee as my coping skill instead."
She nodded back at me thoughtfully and began to pick at her food. We were silent as we started to eat. After finishing my mochi, I found myself surprised as Kurenai dropped hers onto my tray without a word. I looked up at her in surprise, showing her my questioning look.
"You need it more than I do." Was all she said as she continued to pick apart her food. As much as I wanted to argue, I didn't. More mochi sounded good to me.
I started on the new one, but paused after my second bite. "He loved me, in his own way." I admitted to her. I didn't need to specify who "he" was, as she nodded at me in understanding. "I don't think I could ever love him that way. I don't think I can forgive what he's done…maybe one day, but I don't know. I treasure peace, love and my precious ones. But he wants war. He loves in his own way, but…it feels more like obsession. And I don't get the feeling he has many, if any precious ones left that call him that." It felt terrible to say that about the boy I used to know. I could feel the shame well in me at my words, but I couldn't take them back.
"It sounds like you had some kind of relationship with him, whether you were aware of the intricacies of it or not." Kurenai responded thoughtfully. "It sounds like he did, in his own twisted way, care for you. He didn't keep you around because you were useful, but because he treasured you. Whether you call him your precious one or not, it sounds like you were his."
Her words tore at me and I could feel guilt and pain clench at my heart. Kurenai knew very little about the situation, but she seemed to grasp the unsaid words, the unsaid story. I couldn't bring myself to tell her how true what she said was. Or how her words made me feel like I was a terrible person. I was a hypocrite. Through and through. Telling Kakashi that our team sticks together, that we don't abandon each other, that no one gets left behind. And here I was, knowing that Obito was out there yearning for his precious one and pretending he wasn't alive. Running away from him.
No matter what Obito had done, or would do, did he deserve that?
All he wanted was his friend, the one person who believed in him and cherished him back. Was it wrong to kidnap me and force me to remember? Yes. Did he have a temper and treated me badly at times? Yes. Was he forceful at times and unkind? Yes. But does he deserve this treatment? Could he be saved? Was I willing to go through the effort to save him? I didn't know.
I came to upon realizing my food was gone and Kurenai was waiting for me patiently to come back to this plane of existence. I was thankful to have a person like Kurenai in my life. We hadn't seen each other in years – about 17 for her, but much longer for me. I was around Kurenai's age now. And yet, she comforted me, cooked for me and took me out to eat. I didn't understand why she felt such dedication and care for someone she hadn't seen in so long.
What did I do to deserve her? Nothing that I drudged up about Rin's life before mine as Claire gave me an answer. I just had to realize that this just who Kurenai was as a person. The realization filled me with warmth and I knew that if she had a child again in this universe – if I hadn't messed that up – she'd be a great mother. And I would do everything in my power to keep Asuma alive and survive the fate that had awaited him in another universe.
"Ready?" She asked with a small smile on her face.
I sent a grateful one back. "Yes."
As we gathered our trays, Kurenai turned to me. "Come to me anytime. I know you have a lot more you need to get off your chest. You've been through a lot. You've got friends here. We may not have seen each other in years, but we won't let you go through this alone, Rin. Trust in us. We'll help you."
I bit my lip and only responded with a quick nod. I hurriedly grabbed my tray and rushed to return it. She followed along at a slower pace and joined me in the hallway not too long later. She led the way back to Kakashi and I's room.
We stopped just outside the door and as she reached out to open the door, I grabbed her wrist with a quick movement. She paused, looking up at me curiously.
"Please," I whispered. It was all I said, but it was all I had to say. I got a nod back, a promise passing between us silently as I let her go and allowed her to open the door to the hospital room. The men were still there conversing quietly to each other, but turned to look at us as we entered.
Remembering how I left, I forced a pep in my step and my lips to upturn. I entered the room like nothing was wrong, like I hadn't just been crying and had to be led out of the room. I smiled brightly at Genma, Asuma and Gai.
"Thanks for coming to visit Kakashi. I know he needs more human interaction and a female presence is bound to get him overwhelmed in no time." I joked, happy when Genma cracked a smile back and Asuma gave a snort in laughter.
I made myself turn towards Gai and acknowledge him. It wasn't that I didn't like him, he was just a bit much. "And thanks for coming, Gai, and doing as I asked."
He gave me a wide smile and thumbs up. "It was no problem!" he shouted with exuberance. "My eternal rival needs rest, but could always use more encouragement!"
I fought the instinctive pull at my lips and the bark of laughter that wanted to burst from my throat. I shook my head fondly at him and turned to Kakashi, putting my hands on my hips. He had his head buried in his book again, ignoring the conversation around him.
"Kakashi." I said with insistence.
"Huh?" He asked, looking up from his book finally. "Did you say something?"
Before I could respond, Gai began his speech, cursing Kakashi for his "hip and cool attitude" and I feared that if I turned around, I would see tears in his eyes pouring down his face. Forcing myself to look straight at Kakashi, I gave him an exasperated, but fond look.
Kakashi stared back at me, his face apathetic and blank, but his eyes showed mischievousness. "Gai?" Kakashi started and I felt dread pool in my stomach. I waved at Kakashi to signal him that no, do not do that! But Kakashi didn't look at me and expertly ignored the noises I made to catch his attention. "I think that Rin could use some more…ah…encouragement as well."
I gave Kakashi my most disappointed and upset look. Before I knew it, I was lifted into the air and spun around. I clutched onto the person who held me tightly and braced myself to become a rag doll. I made a squeak initially at being picked up and closed my mouth tightly as the spinning continued.
I heard a shout, "Oi, Gai!"
"Put her down, Gai! For goodness sake!" Someone else shouted tiredly. A hand met their face in the background from the sound of the slapping noise.
I was put down almost immediately after that and I stumbled on my feet, trying to get my bearings about me. I felt two hands steady me on the shoulders carefully and looked behind me to see Genma shaking his head at Gai with a look of what can you do? Like he'd had this conversation many times before. And considering they were teammates, he'd probably had that conversation a lot.
"Oh!" Gai shouted as if he hadn't an idea of what he'd done wrong. "I'm so sorry, Rin, sometimes my excitement gets the best of me!" He began to laugh boisterously. I could only look back and give Genma the same what can you do? look.
He gave a huff of laughter before dropping his hands and backing up. I turned back to Asuma and Kurenai. They watched the scene with varying degrees of emotions. The one thing we could all agree on, based on our expressions was, Gai will be Gai.
And that wasn't a bad thing. Gai could be exuberant. He could be clueless. He could be too excitable. But that's just what made Gai special, and what made us love him so much. He was a bit much sometimes and we definitely needed our days away from him sometimes, but Gai was a good man, a good friend and no one could deny he could be infectious.
I resigned myself to my fate of being in the company of Gai for the forseeable future and made my way to what I now called my chair over by Kakashi's bedside. I gave him an accusing look that he returned with an innocent one.
I knew in that moment that Naruto and I were going to come up with some epic pranks and they were going to all be used on Kaka-sensei.
The name Naruto gave Kakashi still made me want to laugh no matter how much time had passed. "So, Kaka-sensei," I started and he gave me a warning look in response after pulling his attention back from his book. "When will you be discharged?"
"Not for a while," he admitted, his tone both regretful and thankful. I could only imagine he hated sitting in a hospital for days to weeks on end, but he got the time to sit and read for however long he had to be in the hospital, so he probably wasn't going to complain much.
To be honest, if I could have a few days or week of vacation time just to read, I would take it in a heartbeat. That was one thing that Kakashi and I could agree on. I hadn't finished Icha Icha, either, so I was definitely looking forward to jumping back into the story.
"Could you tell me another bedtime story tonight, Kakashi?" I asked as innocently as possible.
Asuma roared with laughter. "You're telling her bedtime stories?" he asked incredulously between gulps of breath. I could see Kurenai laughing behind her hand and Genma grinning along. A quick glance at Gai told me he thought the idea of his eternal rival reading bedtime stories to people was absolutely youthful and was considering inflicting it upon his unsuspecting and unwilling team (although Lee would probably be all in, now that I thought about it).
Kakashi gave us all a long-suffering look through his deadpan. "If you're talking about smut being a bedtime story, then yes. We're reading Icha Icha together."
Instead of whatever response Kakashi was hoping to get, this brought another round of laughter to the group, although Gai's face showed his despair at the unyouthfulness of Icha Icha being used as a bedtime story, perhaps even contemplating a change in plan on inflicting his team with a bedtime story now.
"Hey now," I started, "Icha Icha makes a great bedtime story." I insisted. "It put me to sleep almost immediately." I said proudly with a giant smile.
Kakashi, however, immediately refuted my statement. "You told me that it was a good book and you've been reading it in your freetime. I was just reading your preferred bedtime story."
As the group continued the conversation, I realized no matter how I came to be in this reality, no matter what I went through as Claire, right now, there was nowhere else I'd rather be.
