As soon as our group of friends left the hospital room that night when visiting hours were over, I leaned forward to catch Kakashi's attention. He pulled his gaze away from his book to look me in the eye. He didn't ask what I wanted, but waited for me to speak.
"You're a glutton for punishment, you know that right?" I asked him finally with a sigh. I leaned back into my chair in defeat and exhaustion as the day's events wore me down.
"Mn," He responded, not confirming or denying the accusation. He turned back to his book, but I reached out and put my hand over the pages, covering them from his gaze. He turned his face back to me with a look of tired exasperation.
"You know we have to share this room now, right?" I asked, to which he gave me a blank look and slight nod. "Then you must realize that inflicting Gai on me is going to force you to deal with him and his exuberance as well."
His blank look shifted then, his eye turning upward into a smile. "That's a sacrifice I'm willing to make." I made an offended noise at that. "After all," he put his hand against his chest and gave me a look of faux sympathy, "I only want what's best for you, Rin."
I lifted my hand from his book to slap his chest with the back of my hand. He rubbed the area like I had done any damage, adding on a look of hurt as he gazed at me.
"You're full of it, Kakashi." I said with a short laugh and a shake of my head.
"You wound me, Rin." He accused me, his strained words dripping with fake pain. "I truly want only what's best for you. Besides, a little time in Gai's presence has never hurt anybody." He said almost sincerely.
I frowned at him in suspicion. "Except our eardrums, Kakashi. And our eyes. And –" I felt his hand cover my mouth and heard him shush me. I stared up at him incredulously and went to shove his hand off my mouth.
He didn't fight it, but shook his head in insincere dismay. "You don't really mean that, after all, how would Gai feel if he heard you say that?" His book lay abandoned on his lap as we argued this very important point.
"Gai understands that not everyone has the springtime of youth in them." I shrugged at him uncaringly. "He'd just be wasting his time on me. My springtime of youth has come and gone." I clapped my hands loudly together to accentuate my point, causing him to stare at me in surprise. "Just like that. One day it was there, and now it's gone. Now I'm old. I'm tired. I'd rather nap than go for a run around the village over a dozen times."
I heard him snort under his breath. "You aren't old, Rin." He drawled lazily, turning back to his book.
"No," I replied earnestly. "I'm far too old. I'm older than you, Kakashi. Sorry, but this flower has blossomed and is ready to wither." I brushed my hands together like I were dusting them off and drew his eyes back to me with the movement.
However, something I said seemed to have struck him differently than I had intended as the atmosphere seemed to thicken, become more serious and I could see the playfulness and laziness start to disintegrate.
He snapped his book closed at that and I jerked back in surprise.
"Kakashi?" I was confused by his reaction to my words. I tried to think back on them and wondered what I had said that had triggered him. I had meant to only tease him, not upset him. I started to reach out to grasp his hand, but he pulled it away quickly.
I instantly yanked my hand back in both embarrassment and rejection. As I stared up at his eyes, I could see he was almost lost in his thoughts, but aware enough of his surroundings. I bit my lip, ashamed at what I had done to cause this behavior from him.
"Perhaps another nap is in order, Rin?" His voice was light, but there was a dark undercurrent to it and I gulped back the wave of sadness that threatened to overtake me. My body felt numb, a bit cold, and I could see what Kurenai had meant now all too clearly.
Kakashi and I had bonded in a way that wasn't healthy. I had said or done something to remind him of the past – perhaps my death – and was reacting badly. Our codependence that had grown over just a few days caused a rush of sadness and depression to flow into me. Our codependence had caused him to react negatively to a joke – an unintentional jab to what I could only assume reminded him of my death.
I brought my hands to my chest protectively. I did something that I had learned at a young age and looked up at him and said in a small voice, "Perhaps a bedtime story first?" A last joke in hopes to bring him out of this mood and to test the waters.
When he responded, it was almost despondent. "Not today, Rin." He said finally.
"R – right." I said softly and pulled myself up to my feet and headed for the hospital room door. "I think I might go for a walk, Kakashi."
He didn't respond as I reached the door and yanked it open and exited through it, pretending I wasn't running away – pretending my flight or fight hadn't kicked in and I was reminded of my past. My steps were quick in the hallway and I passed many med-nin making their rounds. No one paid me any mind as I meandered down the hallway with no real destination in mind.
As I spotted a bathroom in the distance, I headed in, pretending my body wasn't shaking from overwhelming anxiety. I hurried to the sink and with shaking hands, turned on the knob for cold water. I nearly buried my head in the sink as I splashed the cold water into my face. I hoped the cold would shock me out of this, but instead the water mixed with my tears.
I clutched onto both sides of the sink with my hands as a sob escaped my lips. My knuckles were turning white in the corner of my eyes from my lowered position. I dropped to my knees and clutched my middle with one hand as the other tried to stifle my sobs.
I didn't understand what had brought this on. Rejection was something I was used to. I could only deduce that I had relied too heavily on Kakashi since arriving here. Kurenai was right. This wasn't healthy. I was traumatized from my time at the Akatsuki base as well and had latched onto the one person that would understand having everyone he loved ripped away from him. I latched onto Kakashi because in my mind, I had thought I could help him – I could escape my own pain while helping him through his – but failed to remember that we were two broken halves, and it was never a good idea to glue them back together quickly and haphazardly.
That's what we had done; we'd tried to fix ourselves by affixing ourselves to each other.
With one last stifled sob beneath my hand, I grabbed the sink again and began to pull myself back up. I threw water into my face one last time before glancing up into the mirror before me, expecting to see my blotchy, red and swollen face.
I did, however, that's not what made me scream. The sight of the orange swirled mask behind me in the mirror made me throw myself to the side as I swiveled around to put my back to the sinks, trying to gain as much distance as possible from Obito.
I could feel my breathing pick up as I stared at him in horror.
His visible eye stared at me with a mixture of fury and sympathy. It was a conflicting mixture that almost made my head swim, but I focused instead on his body language which spoke of something else. He was tensed, ready to spring.
In the back of my mind, I told myself I was going to try to reason with him. Buy time for someone to come. Surely they heard me scream. I could only hope whoever came wasn't massacred by Obito the instant they walked through the door. I could only reason with him in a last ditch effort to bring out the good in him that a small piece of me wanted to believe there was left.
Instead, what left my mouth was something different.
"How could you?!" I screamed, my voice hoarse from the sobbing and despair clouding the words. "All those people? I don't know you anymore!" I continued to shout.
He didn't respond, but I could tell he was frustrated from the twitch of his eye and his muscles tightening even more. He made to take a step forward and I immediately scrambled to push myself as far back from him as possible.
"No!" I shouted desperately. "Don't come any closer!"
He paused momentarily, his head cocking to the side, still deadly silent. Then he took another step. Then another.
I dropped myself to my knees and forced myself under the sink, clutching my hands around my knees as tears dripped down my already soaking face. I could hear the running of the water as the sink continued to fill up and the steady sound of his steps.
I put my head between my knees and clutched my eyes tight as I shook my head erratically. "I can't believe you! All those people…because of me! I would never want this – I would never ask for this. Please, if you have any shred of kindness left in your heart, you would stop this. Please!"
His steps paused, but I knew he was within arm's reach of me now. All I could hear was the streaming water, the pounding of my heart, and his silent judgement.
And then a hand grabbed my arm and started to yank me up. I screamed at the top of my lungs, disbelieving that Obito would do this. Disbelieving what lengths he would go to. He had to be so desperate. I'd been screaming at him. People had to be coming. Was he hoping to make a quick grab of me and leave before anyone could come, or is he hoping for a fight? Was he hoping for Kakashi to come in and inflict punishment on him?
As he pulled at my arm, I used as much of my strength as possible to pull away with little success. His other hand found its place on my mouth firmly, just like the first night in my apartment. I continued to scream behind his hand, muffled as it was, as we locked eyes.
The look in his eye caused my voice to strangle and catch as true fear filled me. His eye was tight with fury; there wasn't any light behind his eye. It was dead, angry and uncaring. At this point, I didn't know what to believe of Obito anymore. And as that thought filled me, a last glimpse in my memories of Rin of the sweet boy who helped old ladies carry their groceries back to their house with a giant grin, tears spilled anew down my face. My scream became a sob as I realized the new reality.
I had pushed Obito to this. First from my death. Second from my escape. Third from my second escape, and fourth…from my rejection. Just like Kakashi and I.
As that thought entered my mind and I was resigned to my fate – whatever that may be – in Obito's hands, the door was slammed open and I jerked my eyes over towards the door in shock.
Obito followed my eyes with his own eye critically, narrowing at the sight before us.
I wasn't sure whether to be thankful, happy, or to mourn the person who thought they could rescue me.
Genma stood in the doorway, fingers cradling his senbon threateningly. His teeth were gritted with a single senbon sitting on his lips, no doubt poisoned and ready to be unleashed. His face was pulled into a furious scowl as he glared at Obito.
"I thought you'd be back." Genma hissed.
I struggled anew, wanting nothing but for Genma to survive this encounter. I stared at him pleadingly, warningly, desperately wishing he would understand: he had to leave. He couldn't survive this encounter. No, he wouldn't survive this encounter.
Obito pulled his hand away from my mouth as he turned his body partially towards the threat.
I yanked against his strength as I pleaded with him, "Don't do this. Please, don't do this. Don't hurt him! If you have a shred of humanity left, you won't hurt him!" Obito glanced at me out of the corner of his eye, eyeing me appraisingly.
"I…I'll do anything. I won't run away again. I won't escape. Don't hurt him – them. Kakashi, Kurenai, Asuma, Konoha, anything but them." I could feel Obito start to loosen his grip on me and in hopes that I was getting through to him and could help Genma survive this encounter, I stopped struggling.
"What?" Genma hissed. "Rin, you can't go back to him. You belong in Konoha. You don't need to sacrifice yourself anymore – again. What would your disappearance do to Kakashi?" His words made sense, but he also didn't understand the severity of the situation we were in.
At the mention of Kakashi, Obito tightened his grip on me and I hissed with a grimace in pain.
Before another word could be said, ANBU appeared in the room, cornering Obito and I. Despite their presence, he appeared unaffected. And why would he? He could materialize in and out of rooms. Probably the only reason he hadn't done so was because I was so unwilling and I had started to attempt to negotiate.
The ANBU didn't hesitate, even with a hostage. They went for the kill immediately and Obito took the moment to dematerialize his body as their swords all sliced through the image of his body – a strike to the head, the chest, the back, the hand that was holding me…it didn't matter. Obito was untouchable to them. In this moment, though, I escaped his grasp as he had to dematerialize his hand or have it chopped off.
While I'm sure that would have been inconvenient, it would only have been an inconvenience, and nothing else. He could also make himself another. I didn't contemplate that further as I sprinted around the ANBU and towards Genma.
Genma leaped forward and threw himself between myself and Obito. One of his hands grasped my wrist tightly behind him, keeping me in place and keeping me in touch with him. I knew the ANBU were going to be killed. And Genma next. I couldn't watch. I threw my head against the back of Genma's jacket and prayed for it to be over quickly so I didn't have to hear or see anything else.
After a few seconds of loud thrashing and noises of weapons and bodies being thrown about, it became silent. I realized in that moment I was scared more of the silence than the noise. Genma clenched his fist tighter around my wrist, like a warning, or in concern.
Curious despite myself, I raised my head from the back of his jacket and peeked over his shoulder. The sight wasn't pretty, but I could see the ANBU were alive, and Obito was gone. While alive, the ANBU probably didn't have much time before they passed onto the afterlife.
I yanked my wrist out of Genma's hand and threw myself around him and rushed to the nearest ANBU who had a sword in his gut.
I pressed my hands down and twisted my head back at Genma's unmoving body to scream, "Help me!" He hurried into motion and ran for the doorway to scream for medics.
While he did that and I waited for reinforcements in the form of med-nin, I focused on saving this man's life. My chakra surrounding my hands as I worked on him furiously. I heard the scurrying of feet and finally after what felt like forever, I found hands joining mine and bodies rushing over to the other fallen members of the ANBU.
None of us spoke, all intent on saving the lives of the men in this small women's bathroom. I lost track of time, but was aware of Genma standing protectively behind me as I worked in tandem with the other med-nin.
I let out a breath of air, sweat dripping down my still swollen and blotchy face as I finally pulled away from the man who was stable enough to move. I made to get up and go to the next person, wanting to help anyway I could, but a firm hand held me in place.
I looked behind me at Genma and as we locked eyes, I felt his serious, stern eyes root me in place more than the grip of his hand on my shoulder. I looked up at him fearfully.
He shook his head at me without a word and swiveled me around, marching me out of the bathroom and back down the hallway towards Kakashi and I's hospital room. As the adrenaline and the exhaustion starting to roll over me in waves, my legs and arms trembled and it became hard to keep my head up. After trying to climb a flight of steps and instead tripping, only to be caught by Genma, he pulled me up into his arms.
I was again frustrated that people thought I needed to be carried everywhere, but the exhaustion won out and I let myself cling to his jacket as he carried me back to the room.
I didn't know what would happen when I got back to the room. Would Genma tell Kakashi what happened? What would Kakashi say? Would he blame himself? I curled my fists tighter into his jacket at those thoughts.
Genma approached the door and used his foot to force it open. Kakashi was sitting in the same spot I left him, knuckles white and clutching tightly to his sheets. He looked up at us in shock and pain as Genma carried me in. I could only imagine the sight I made. I was sure I had blood on me still – both on my hands, arms and clothes – from the man I had worked on earlier.
How Kakashi managed to stay in place in the bed, I had no idea. When he saw me, his shoulders sagged and he breathed a ragged breath. I squirmed out of Genma's arms and he let go without a fight. I walked over on unsteady legs towards Kakashi and plopped down in my chair next to his bed.
His hands twitched, as if he itched to move them, but kept them in place. I went to reach out to hold his hand, but stopped midway. I paused, remembering what had happened before and then catching sight of my bloody palms. I pulled my hand back remorsefully.
"I'm sorry," I said to both of them.
Genma huffed angrily. The anger startled me and I jumped a little in my seat. "You better be. Do you know what would have happened if you had gone with him?" His words were a strained hiss.
Kakashi's face whipped towards me. "But he was going to – " I tried to argue, but Genma cut me off with another angered growl.
"I don't care!" He said with a raw shout. "Do you have no sense of how important you are as a person, Rin? What we would go through to lose you again? We can take care of ourselves. Why do you always insist on sacrificing yourself for others? You don't always have to be the one to make that sacrifice. I've heard what you've said to Kakashi. What you've said applies to you as well; you have friends who care about you, want to help you and would be devastated if something happened to you."
My lip trembled under the onslaught of his words, the raw emotion ripped from his throat as he threw the true accusations against me. I had no defense. He was right. Why was everyone right – why was I always getting things wrong?
However, Kakashi's next words made my heart stutter to a stop. "You were going to give yourself up? Sacrifice yourself again?" The words were strangled and sounded like they had been clawed from his throat. As I looked up at Kakashi in shame, I saw his disappointment and fear, no, panic clouding his face.
I looked back down at the ground, bringing my blood-stained hands into my vision as I realized just how much I had fucked up.
It was dark, and it was absolutely depressing, but I couldn't help but think about how much blood was on my hands. Not literally, but figuratively. While Obito had caused it, while he did it, it was just as much my fault as his.
I hadn't considered it before, not too closely, but my initial death is what caused this all to spiral out of control – what caused Obito to spiral out of control. I told Kakashi earlier that I shouldn't have done that to him, and I shouldn't have. I had thought then that I could have perhaps found another way to commit suicide without traumatizing my friend.
I hadn't considered the alternative: living.
Silence reigned in the room before I looked up at both of the men who had a mixture of anger and pained looks.
"I'm sorry," my voice broke, "this is all my fault." I swallowed back the tears. I had cried too much today. I wasn't going to shed another tonight. With that in mind, I strengthened my resolve and stared at both of them, meeting Genma's eyes momentarily and landing on Kakashi's one eye. "I fucked up. It's been one mistake after another, and…I understand now. Maybe not completely, but that's what therapy is for, right?" I gave a wet laugh at that.
"You're right, Genma, I hadn't considered what I was doing. What would have happened. And Kakashi, I hadn't considered what would have happened if I hadn't sacrificed myself that day, seventeen years ago. I have a lot to think about, and a lot to apologize for."
I could see Genma start to deflate and even Kakashi was starting to relax, if only minutely.
"I don't know if you guys could ever forgive me. It'll take time for me to forgive myself. But…I want to right my wrongs. If you'll continue to put up with me. I'll try harder, and I'll work on myself."
"Rin," Genma hesitated for a second, and it was the most unsure I had ever seen him. "I wouldn't be bringing this up if I didn't care for you. Of course we'll still be there for you – all of us. Just consider us next time you run into a situation where you have the option to sacrifice yourself, or trust in those around you."
I nodded back at him obediently, quietly promising myself I would follow his words. I turned to Kakashi next. He looked very uncomfortable, but managed to look me in the eye.
"Perhaps a bedtime story would be in order?" I could tell he was faking the nonchalant tone, the eye smile and the relaxed posture. If I was the queen of sacrificing myself, Kakashi was the king of running from anything remotely looking like emotions.
I didn't call him out on it, though, and considered his offer for what it was: a peace offering.
"I'd like that." I replied with a hesitant, small smile. "Just…let me clean up real quick and I'll join you for some Icha Icha."
As I cleaned myself up and prepared myself for a sleepless night full of nightmares, I took comfort in those around me. I took comfort in the fact that despite all I had messed up, I still had people who hadn't given up on me.
Joining Kakashi in his bed and crawling under the covers, I listened to him as he read the book in his lazy drawl and tried to forget what happened.
