I was awoken by the sound of a throat clearing. I jerked up in surprise, uprooting the hand that had sat on my back and pulling away from the warmth I'd been cuddled against. I whipped my head over in the direction of the noise and was surprised by the presence of not just Inoichi, but Tsunade as well.
Tsunade seemed minutely amused, but the somber air around her told a different story. Next to her, Inoichi was looking at Kakashi and I in contemplation. I could almost hear the thoughts in his head; scrutinizing Kakashi and I's closeness, how relaxed we both were with each other and the billion other thoughts I knew would go through a therapist and psychiatrist's head.
I pulled myself up and threw my legs over the bed, glancing back at Kakashi curiously. He sat there, relaxed and nonchalant, still reading the book like he'd never went to sleep. In the back of my mind, I had to wonder if he even did. The thought made my stomach curdle and roil with guilt and concern.
Kakashi didn't look up from his book as I addressed the two newcomers.
"Ah, sorry, Tsunade, Inoichi." My tone was apologetic as I faced them.
Tsunade waved her hand dismissively. However, when she spoke it wasn't about the position she found Kakashi and I in. "I heard about what happened last night, Rin." Her voice was harsh, stern and frosty.
I bowed my head in shame at her words, all too aware of what transpired. I could remember Genma's words in my head, Kakashi's disappointment and despair as he heard only a scarce amount of what happened. I could only imagine how Tsunade felt after the work she put in to save me.
"What I can't understand, aside from your persistent martyrdom, is why the Akatsuki is so desperate to get you back. You would have given us all the information by now, they have to know that. You weren't helping them that much either, so that leaves me with the question: why are they so persistent to get you back?"
I flinched back at her tone, head still bowed. I realized this was the moment. I had tried to keep Kakashi in the dark; I had tried to keep most people, including Kurenai in the dark about it, too. She knew more than others, but not the whole story. I wanted to lie, to deny it, but I couldn't. You couldn't deny Tsunade, the leader of the village, information that was vital to the health of the village. And at this point, I was causing casualties and injuries just by being here. She deserved to know.
I looked up at her with fear, my heart beating like a hummingbird, and hardened my resolve.
I didn't look at Inoichi and instead locked eyes with her.
"The reason is complicated," I started, but Tsunade cut me off immediately.
"Uncomplicate it." She demanded and crossed her arms under her chest.
I avoided Kakashi's piercing gaze as he had his attention drawn away by the confrontation. I took a deep breath and did my best to explain it in one sentence, like ripping off a band aid. "The current leader of the Akatsuki is obsessed with me and believes he is in love with me."
I could see Tsunade and Inoichi slightly reel back at my words, perhaps not expecting such honesty, or perhaps not expecting news of that nature. It certainly would have made me do a double take if I were in their shoes. Behind me, I heard a strangled noise come from Kakashi's direction, but I didn't look back.
Tsunade gathered herself pretty quickly and with a glance a near millisecond back at Kakashi, she turned her eyes back to me. Her expression was hard and I saw no give in her eyes. There was no going back now, I knew.
"When did that start?" She barked at me. I tried to hold in the flinch in response.
"Immediately upon meeting me and taking over for the previous head of Akatsuki." I said, inferring about when Obito took over for Madara. A simple misdirection, but not quite a lie. "He…started out small. Bought me clothes, books, make up and face paint. Personally brought me food, too. He checked up on me periodically."
Although Tsunade was in the forefront of my mind, in the back I could see myself tearing the dresser apart and ripping through clothes, throwing books, my disgust at the make up and face paint.
"He gave me my team photo. But I was resistant," I continued, spacing off and reluctant to share the same story I had told Kurenai just the day before.
"How so?" Tsunade asked. I had spoken about my resistance before when I had just been rescued, but I think she realized that I had held back some information. In the corner of my eyes, I could see Inoichi watching me intently.
"I refused the clothes. I refused the books. I destroyed the room. I didn't change clothes, didn't shower, didn't sleep. Then he brought me food after I had made a mockery of all of his work to make me more comfortable. He was furious." I shuddered at the thought, not remembering his anger at the time, but now remembering him from last night – fury, rage and silent deadliness.
This time it was Inoichi who spoke in a calmer voice, soothing and enticing. He had noticed my almost vacant look and the beginning of dissociation probably, I noted distantly, and had taken over as a form of kind interrogation. "What happened next?"
I moved my gaze over Tsunade's shoulder so I couldn't see her expression or Inoichi's closely. "He calmed down enough to offer me the tray of food he brought. I told him I was allergic. When he questioned my allergies, I refused to give him any information on it and informed him that I wouldn't eat anything he brought me. That I would rather starve to death."
I could almost hear the bated breath as Inoichi probed further. "How did he respond?" His voice became softer even, as if readying himself for an explosive information dump or reaction on my end.
My voice became more detached and I continued to avoid the eyes of everyone in the room. "He dragged me out of the room. I fought him, but he was too strong. He grabbed some of the items I had thrown around the room and threw me into the bathroom."
No one said a word, for which I was grateful because it was hard enough remembering it once.
"He wouldn't allow me to leave until I had showered, changed clothes and made myself more presentable. Finally, I complied with his demands. He hadn't shown up in a long time and I realized he would make good on his threat. When I was finished, he led me back to my room. It was then that I tried to make an escape attempt by breaking a piece of the leg of my furniture and quickly turning it into a sharpened weapon."
I finally looked down into Inoichi's eyes, pleading with him through mine. "I tried. I tried so hard. I picked the lock. I ran, and I ran. I thought I would escape, but Itachi was just around the corner. He stopped me in my attempt. I begged him to let me escape, but he offered advice instead."
"Itachi offered advice?" Came the disbelieving voice behind me. I didn't turn to look at Kakashi, still afraid of his reaction.
I answered him anyway, knowing the question was on both Tsunade and Inoichi's minds. "He told me to lay low. That my time would come, and then escorted me back to my room. My room's door was broken now, so Itachi stood guard at the door until the leader of the Akatsuki came back. When he did…"
I shook my head to myself and closed my eyes tightly and tried to shake the guilt once again clawing its way through my chest.
"My room was unusable. In order to keep a closer eye on me, he had me stay in his room instead. I understood then just what he felt for me. After that day…there was only one bed and only so much room on his bed. He spent the night cuddling me." I admitted reluctantly.
Kakashi made a guttural noise behind me, but Inoichi and Tsunade's faces were set in stone; purposely blank as I admitted the transgression I had committed by allowing Obito to do that. To possibly give him hope. That I submitted to him.
"He knew enough about me to know what clothes I liked to wear, the books I would want to read. He bought my preferred make up and face paint, and the food was some of my favorite. He knew me. Knew where to get a picture of my former team. He took care of me, even if it was to send someone else to hand me food when he could not." My words were considering and matter of fact.
My eyebrows furrowed as my lips pulled down when I looked up at the two in front of me. Inoichi's face had become more sympathetic and I could feel that he was understanding the situation. Tsunade showed signs of disgust all the while she frowned.
"I never reciprocated his feelings. I have never loved him, not like that." I tried to convince them desperately.
Inoichi was able to pick apart the words fast, though, and his question was quickfire. "But you have loved him, in some form, in some way."
I bit my lip as I considered my response. "My stay could have been worse at the base. How much I rebelled, how much I fought back, it could have been worse. The people in that base are monsters. I…was thankful for his attentive care, his attempts to make me feel better and more comfortable, but I never forgot his harshness. I never forgot what he'd done. I hoped he had a shred of humanity left in him; some form of kindness…But I meant what I said to him last night: what he did – what he was doing was wrong. I would never condone what he did, and I begged him to stop."
"From what I heard," Tsunade started in a firm tone and lips pursed tightly, "You offered yourself up for the promise of him to not harm not just your friends, but all of Konoha. You were willing to go back there to him."
I forced myself to meet her harsh eyes. "I know what he's planning and I know what he's capable of. I've seen his brutality with my own eyes. I couldn't fathom him going through with it. I couldn't imagine what he'd do to my friends, to the place I grew up and love so dearly. I've sacrificed myself for Konoha once, and I was willing to do it again."
I looked down at my hands, imagining them blood-stained like last night.
"I know you're thinking there's a chance that I love him, that I might be a spy or wish to go back to him. I don't. I love what he could have been, could have done with his life instead. His constant attempts to kidnap me prove that I'm not a spy, and I've done nothing but run and yell for help. I don't want to go back, but my heart is torn. My priority is my precious people and Konoha. You understand that, right, Tsunade?"
I looked up then to see her mouth slightly parted and looking at me in surprise. It was Inoichi who responded. "You would be willing to go back to captivity for those you love?" The words would have been incredulous coming from anyone else, but from Inoichi's mouth, it sounded like he had found the answer to life; soothing, calm, but pleasantly surprised.
I finally turned back to Kakashi and eyed his pinched look. His eye was closed tight and his face was pulled into a grimace. His face was slightly turned away from me, so I couldn't read what his eyes were saying. I knew what I said hurt him and I knew he was disturbed by what I had spoken about.
Finally, I turned back to Inoichi to respond. "Next time I will consider my options more closely. Sacrificing myself isn't always the answer, and as I was reminded last night, I need to learn to trust and rely on those around me more." Inoichi's face seemed to lighten a little at that answer. "I realize now that I had other options seventeen years ago, and just like then, I had options last night, too. I just chose the wrong one."
Inoichi made a sound of approval before turning back to Tsunade. She was looking at me with a look I couldn't discern. It was like to she was sizing me up, considering my worth or wondering what trouble I would bring next. I didn't blame her for it, though. Where I went, so did Obito it seemed. I wouldn't blame her for throwing me out of Konoha for the trouble I had caused her.
So when she spoke, I was surprised by her words. "I appreciate the sacrifice you have made for Konohagakure. You saved Konoha from destruction seventeen years ago, and the least we could do is protect you in return." A small smile pulled at my lips as I blushed and thanked her quietly, not feeling like I deserved the admiration. "You've got good friends, too," She said, this time haughtily and crossed her arms again. "Annoying, nosy and pestering, but good."
I read between the lines: people had argued on my behalf while I had slept. A rush of warmth filled me along with affection for those I could call my friends here.
"Anyway," she continued with another dismissive wave of her hand, "That's all I have to say on the matter. You have a session with Inoichi now. Get better, brat." She threw over her shoulder to Kakashi as she strode away purposefully.
"Wait, that wasn't our session?" I asked with slight disappointment.
Inoichi chuckled good-naturedly. "Unfortunately not. It was a great start, though."
I glanced behind me at Kakashi who seemed to have buried his feelings deep inside once again. I felt concern as I studied him and he returned my gaze. "Go on, Rin." He encouraged. I grasped his hand for a second in thanks, gratefulness and concern before following Inoichi out of the room.
I had offered counseling with Kakashi before, but I knew that he wasn't ready. He also probably needed time to come to terms with what I had spoken about.
Inoichi led me just a little ways down the hallway, not too far from Kakashi's room. He held the door open for me and led me to a chair before sitting opposite me. I felt uncomfortable under his gaze and made myself a little more small in the chair as he scrutinized me.
I didn't feel any malice or unkindness coming from him, but I had worked with psychiatrists and counselors before in both a personal and professional setting and knew how their minds worked. I was being studied, evaluated even. After all, he wasn't just good at counseling – he'd been in the torture and interrogation unit before.
When he spoke, it was in the same tone that was as smooth as butter. It had the effect of me relaxing and untensing my muscles more. "Well, Rin, I think that was a good, quick crash course so I know where to start. I think you should also let me know any concerns you may have or things you have noticed about yourself that you want to work on."
I nodded in agreement and took the time to catalogue all that I wanted to work on. "I have PTSD, have been known to dissociate at times and have had flashbacks recently." He bobbed his head up and down to show that he was listening and understood my concerns. "I've also realized that my relationship with Kakashi is unhealthy."
Inoichi made a noise at that and pulled out a pen and notebook. "I'm going to make some notes to make sure we cover every concern by the end of our sessions."
That sounded like a good idea to me, so I didn't comment on it other than to let him know I didn't mind. As he started to write things down, I thought more on the relationship between Kakashi and I. Despite knowing what I knew, and what had been brought up as a concern by Kurenai, Kakashi and I hadn't been able to change how we reacted and treated each other.
It was going to be a long battle, I knew, because Kakashi and I would probably never be willing to let go of our friendship after all these years separated and from the trauma bonding that had transpired since I had returned to Konoha.
As Inoichi came to the end of his notes, I admitted, "Kakashi and I seem to have trauma bonded. I want a healthy friendship with him, but I'm not sure how to fix this. I need him and he needs me."
"You're codependent." Inoichi noted, before writing some more.
"Very much so. He's been great for me and I've noticed he's opened up more since I first got here, but he still struggles with emotions and difficult situations. He and I fought last night and I…I ran away. That's why I was in the bathroom alone. It wasn't his fault, I should have been more careful with what I said."
"Do you know what triggered your guys' responses?" His question did not lay blame on either of us, and pointed out that we both had been triggered last night during our conversations and later rejection.
"I made a joke about being old. I told him that like a flower, I had far passed my youth like a flower that blossoms and then withers." I shook my head, realizing how that must have upset him. With a heavy sigh, I continued. "It must have reminded him of my death, or perhaps all the years we have missed in each others' lives. I'm not sure which, but he was upset." I pursed my lips as I remembered the situation. "He told me it was time for a nap and rejected and ignored my joking request. I felt triggered by the rejection, probably from our codependency."
"Probably," Inoichi agreed. He continued to write what I wrote before finally dropping his pen and looking up at me. "Running away from bad situations isn't always the best option. Cooling off is a great option at times, but running from your problems or ignoring your feelings is more harmful than helpful."
"I know," I replied simply. "My fight or flight is weird." I commented, having wondered about it.
"How so?" He asked as he gave me his full attention. His hands rested in a relaxed state on the desk that separated us. I could see that he was being sincere in his concern and curiosity by the way his eyes seemed so earnest and his face so open.
"It jumps between the two. One situation will make the flight kick in, but a situation almost just like it will cause me to jump into fight mode."
Inoichi made a noise of understanding. "That's common. It's just our body's response to situations. Next time one or the other kicks in, take time to take in the situation – if it's not life or death – and consider your actions carefully. Even if it's life or death, these instinctive reactions can be bad choices, too. Work on mindfulness and considering consequences to actions before finally acting on them."
I could see the logic in that statement and made him a promise that I would work on that.
"So, goals." Inoichi started lightly. "My goal for you is to manage your PTSD more, work on mindfulness and starting to separate your codependence. We'll go over those in our next session, alright?"
"Sure," I agreed quietly, deciding they were good goals to start with.
Inoichi wrote for another minute before looking up and giving me a kind smile. "That's it for today, Rin, I believe we got through a lot of information and we came up with the things we need to tackle along with goals. This may take some time to get through, but I'll try my best to lessen the stress you're going through and to make life easier for you to manage."
I returned his smile with my own. "Thank you, Inoichi." I said gratefully, forcing as much emotion and appreciation into my voice as possible.
He shook his head lightly. "It's not a problem, Rin. Just doing my job."
"Still." I replied as I stood and headed for the door, stopping as Inoichi cleared his throat. I turned to look at him and opened my mouth to ask if there was anything else he needed when he spoke before I could get any words out.
"Welcome back, Rin." The words some I had heard already since getting back in Konoha, but they never stopped sending a rush of hope and happiness through me. I was home – not Claire's home, but the one Rin had lost so long ago.
While I missed the life I had lived as Claire, something about Konoha and the people Rin left behind all those years ago felt right. Like a puzzle piece had clicked into place. I realized then that when Rin and I had merged finally, she probably left more of herself in me than I had. How much of me was her and how much of me was left from my time as Claire?
I said my thanks to Inoichi as I contemplated this issue. It was one I kept coming back to. Who was I really? Was I both Rin and Claire? Had we merged equally, or was one personality and life more dominant than the other? Was my time in Konoha bringing out Rin's side more than Claire's? And if that was the case, would living back in Claire's world bring more of her out than Rin?
I could feel a headache building in the back of my head as my thoughts swirled. The trek back to the hospital room was short and I opened the door after a quick knock. Kakashi looked up from his book at me as I entered.
Feeling playful despite the heavy conversation I had just had with him, Inoichi and Tsunade, I tried to get a feeler out there to see his mood and maybe lighten the mood with a joke. "Don't you ever get tired of that, Kakashi?"
He eye-smiled at me as he responded. "Of course not."
I huffed out a breath of laughter and dropped down next to his bedside once again. I put my hand on his book and pushed it downwards just a little to see what page he was on and what was happening. From my look at his book from the side, I could barely make out words, but what he was reading made me pause.
I stared at it for a few seconds, not sure I was reading it right. I hadn't gotten to this page yet. I yanked the book from his hands and he let go of it in surprise as I held it up in front of my face. "Oh wow." I muttered. "That's graphic."
I glanced over the book to see a faint glimmer of a blush that was barely noticeable.
"Huh," I murmured as I returned my look to the book. "Do people really – ?" I didn't finish my words as the book was yanked from my hands. I looked up at him, but before I could say anything I felt the book whack me upside the head.
"No." He told me mock sternly.
"But – but – it's an innocent question. You'd probably know more about this than I. Please, Kakashi?" I asked pleadingly.
"Bad." He said as he wagged his finger at me patronizingly.
"You know, if you don't answer it, I'll have to ask someone else. Perhaps Genma? Or Kurenai. She'd know; she's with Asuma, right?"
Kakashi made an indistinguishable noise at the back of his throat and I looked up to see a panicked look on his face. He looked like he wanted to make an escape, but considering his circumstances, he had nowhere to go.
I laughed lightly at him. "Relax, Kakashi, I'm just teasing you. I won't really ask anybody." That, however, was a lie. I was definitely going to tell Kurenai about how I had questions about Kakashi and I's bedtime story. Knowing her, she'd gossip with Asuma, Genma, and most likely Anko would hear about it. With luck, the rest of the village would know by the time Kakashi got out of the hospital.
If he thought he got the best of me by siccing Gai on me, he'd learn just how devious I could be.
