A/N: Hello...this is the only fic today, on Christmas Eve, but I should warn you now that there are five other oneshots incoming tomorrow. I actually wrote this one pretty late (as in, finished literally the day before it needed to be done), but I got inspired for it pretty late in the game so...yeah. Also I've been in a Kaz mood recently (because Freddy Carter) so hearing this song naturally made my brain go "Oh, Kanej!" and here we are. Post-CK, but slight AU where Matthias survives because he needs to be here for this fic. Obviously it's Kanej, but there is also mentioned/alluded to Wesper and Helnik because obviously. Title and song are taken from Pentatonix's "Thank You."
Disclaimer: *singing* O come, all ye faithful...oh. Yeah. Right. Disclaimer. Not mine, anything recognizable belongs to the amazing Leigh Bardugo.
Thank You
"Oh, Lord, it's been a year
With little joys and little fears...
It's finally here...
Christmas day...
My love, I need some hope
A little faith, a hand to hold...
It's awfully cold...
Christmas day...
Watch the snow fall down like me sometimes...!
But you pick me up and then pick me up again...
Like the winter leaves, I can't survive...!
Without your light..."
It had been quite the year, Kaz thought wearily.
It already felt like a lifetime since the Ice Court heist, though in reality it had only been about a year. The holiday season was upon them, which would usually have Kaz grumbling about everyone being far too cheerful and upbeat while the cold weather sent intense pains through his bad leg on a daily basis. Not this year, though.
Because Inej was back.
Just for the holidays, as she'd pointed out repeatedly, but even having her back in Ketterdam just for the holidays seemed like a blessing from Ghezen. The rest of the Crows enjoyed having her around again, naturally, but for Kaz it was something different. Missing her had been an almost physical ache, one Kaz fought harder to deny with every passing day. He shouldn't want this, want her, and yet when she was gone it left him feeling like a part of him had gone with her.
It drove him crazy. He hated it.
Having her back in Ketterdam was both a blessing and a curse, Kaz reflected. It meant he could see her again, but it also meant the feelings he tried to lock away grew even more intense and harder to control. He didn't know when the attraction had grown this strong, but it was rather debilitating now that she was back.
All Saints' Day was approaching fast. Jesper had caught up to him a few days prior and explained that Wylan intended to throw a party and rather pointedly not invite any of the merchers. Kaz, intrigued, had asked him to elaborate, and the Zemeni Fabrikator had explained that Wylan wanted the All Saints' Day party as widely publicized as possible so every merch in Ketterdam would hear about it, only to be turned away at the door. When Kaz had inquired about the actual guest list, Jesper had dropped a bombshell on him: Wylan was inviting the entirety of the Dregs, as well as Inej's crew.
Kaz had improved upon that idea when the thought struck him. "I'll give you a list," he'd told the sharpshooter, "of all the merchers currently being pains in our asses. Invite them specifically, but still make a big deal out of it so every other merch in the city thinks they're invited by right. Don't let the merchers we're actually inviting know they're about to walk into a party full of Barrel thugs - and don't let them leave. They'll have been robbed of everything valuable by the end of the night, and my Dregs will have gotten their point across."
Jesper had simply grinned, saluted him, and dashed off to report back to Wylan.
Naturally, when Kaz had semi-reluctantly spread the word among the Dregs about the party, the lot of them had cheered. Kaz had glanced at Inej, standing in the shadows behind him like she'd always been there, and grimaced; she'd just laughed and departed to inform her crew.
He'd had no choice but to accept after that. Jesper had been delighted. Kaz, not so much. He wasn't exactly one for the party scene unless he was working a job (which usually involved actively stealing from someone), and Ghezen knew he wasn't going to play his own Dregs. He'd shuddered at the thought that he might be forced to mingle, if only because most of the Dregs didn't know him personally and would give anything to meet the infamous Kaz Brekker.
He'd sighed, resigned. This was going to be an interesting endeavor.
But at least he had Inej back.
"Thank you for your smile...
It's warmer than the fire...
Your gentle laughter...
Is sweeter than a choir...
I'll never know
The right words to choose...
So all I can say
Is thank you..."
Kaz stood in front of the mirror in his room - a rather recent addition that he'd actually bought rather than stolen - and sighed once more at the thought of the approaching party. Tonight was All Saints' Eve, and naturally the day Jesper and Wylan had chosen for the party. Kaz had to admit he was nervous - he wouldn't know what to do with himself at an actual party meant to be a party rather than disguised and stealing from whichever unfortunate merch had thrown the thing.
He'd tried to talk to Inej about it, but he had the strange sense she'd been avoiding him for the past two days. Before that, for the three days after she'd arrived back in Fifth Harbor with him to greet her at the docks, she'd spent most of her time in his company, and he'd gotten used to it again, realizing privately exactly how much he'd missed her. But for the past two days she'd been steadily avoiding him, and Kaz didn't know why.
He'd tried to coax the information out of Nina when she visited the Slat with a declaration that she was going to "make sure he'd look marvelous" at the party, but the Corpsewitch was stubborn to a fault and refused to say anything on the matter. Kaz had given up fairly quickly, having learned from experience that when Nina Zenik wanted to keep something secret, it would stay that way no matter what.
So he was feeling particularly jumpy and nervous as he stood before his mirror and appraised the look Nina had decided would work for the celebration - she'd called it a fete, after the Ravkan Winter Fete held at the Grand Palace shortly after All Saints' Day, though it was anything but. This was to be a party like the kind only ever found in Ketterdam, and with Jesper at the helm Kaz had no doubts it was going to be an interesting night.
The outfit Nina had picked was one of Kaz's nicer suits, crow-feather black and more formal than the kind of suits he usually wore - also less bloodstained. She'd scrounged up the ruby pin he'd stolen from Van Eck so many months ago and added it, along with a few silver accents she added to the suit surprisingly skillfully, to the ensemble, and she'd even found a fresh pair of gloves that she said went better with the suit (though Kaz couldn't see the difference other than that the new pair were cleaner). She'd retrieved a new hat for him as well, one with silver threading around it that Kaz found slightly ridiculous until Nina told him to step back and look at it that way, when he'd seen the crow design that had been stitched in multiple times around the base. He hadn't even questioned how it had gotten there. A few more adjustments to the suit and gloves had added a couple more small rubies to the clasps on the gloves (so that was why he didn't wear them often; the clasp got in the way, and the style of the gloves themselves left a little skin exposed, which Kaz thought defeated the purpose), shining silver buttons to the waistcoat, and a silver crow-shaped pin on his lapel, and then Nina had pronounced it finished. Kaz had raised an eyebrow at the not-so-subtle emphasis on his love of crows but let it slide without saying anything, for once deciding not to argue.
Staring at himself in said suit, he felt a little ridiculous.
Too much expense, Kaz thought. Then corrected himself, No - too flashy. I feel like a mercher. There hadn't really been a cost on the suit at all, as it and the rubies and silver thread that accented it had all been stolen, but the fact that he was wearing the thing at all made him feel off. He didn't wear anything remotely fancy. Ever. The rubies seemed like a touch too much.
Or maybe he was just overthinking things because of his reputation.
A knock at his door made him jump and realize he'd been staring at his reflection for far too long. "You ready, demjin?" Matthias's voice called.
Kaz shook himself. "Yeah. Coming."
He retrieved his cane and stepped out of his room, surveying Matthias quickly as he did so. Nina had insisted the six of them - the "murder," she'd referred to them as, and Kaz hadn't been able to tell if she was joking - all enter together, and enter last. Inej would find her own way to Jesper and Wylan's mansion; Nina, Matthias, and Kaz would go together, and the six of them would meet up in the entrance hall. Accordingly, it seemed Nina had dictated Matthias's outfit, too - a variation of his old drüskelle uniform, but in a range of blues now, with off-white fur around the collar and on his shoulders and a silver crow pin in place of the wolf's head of the drüskelle, though Kaz noted the wolf's head still made an appearance in silver thread underneath the crow pin. It looked very formal, and Kaz had to admit Nina had done a good job with her Fjerdan.
Matthias had apparently been appraising him, too. "I see Nina went all out with the crow theme. And you didn't even try to change her mind?"
Kaz shrugged. "Have you ever tried arguing with Nina Zenik?"
Matthias conceded the point with a nod. "Shall we go, then? Nina's waiting."
"Impatient as ever," Kaz grumbled, and they started down the stairs.
Nina's outfit was just as formal as theirs. She wore a brilliant red dress that was made to mimic the look of a kefta, embroidered with gray rather than silver to symbolize her status as the Corpsewitch - and a fair amount of gold, which Kaz knew was probably just Nina's sense of style. She had ruby earrings that Kaz suspected were probably stolen off a tourist on West Stave, and the by-now-familiar sight of the silver crow pin on her chest. He was beginning to see a theme here with the crow pins, but would reserve judgement until he saw Jesper, Wylan, and Inej's outfits. Nina's hair was swept over her shoulder and Kaz could see red ribbon threaded through it artfully; she'd done her job well.
Matthias was staring at her like she was an angel. Kaz suppressed a snort. It was almost sickening how in love the two of them were.
This from the boy who can't admit he's head over heels for Inej, whispered a voice that sounded suspiciously like Jesper in the back of Kaz's head. Kaz respectfully told it to shut up and go bury itself.
"Nina," Matthias whispered. "You look absolutely stunning."
Nina beamed. "You don't look half bad yourself."
Kaz coughed pointedly before they could take this any farther. "Don't we have a party to get to?"
Nina half-glared at him, but slipped her hand into Matthias's and gestured for Kaz to lead the way.
"We fell into the snow
And talked about growing old...
So here's to a hundred more
Christmas days...
This house will be our home
And my heart will be your own...
As the candles glow...
Christmas day...
Watch the snow fall down like you sometimes...!
But I'll pick you up and then pick you up again...
Like our winter tree on Christmas night...!
It needs some light..."
As it turned out, Jesper and Wylan had also had their outfits coordinated by one Nina Zenik. Kaz was by now willing to bet she'd gotten to Inej, too, though he still saw no sign of her.
Jesper's outfit was a suit similar to Kaz's, though Jesper's was shades of green, the waistcoat being the most vibrant and secured over a white shirt like Kaz's. He too bore the silver crow pin, all but confirming the suspicion in Kaz's mind about Nina's theme. There were hints of Fabrikator purple peeking out from the suit jacket's sleeves, but they were subtle and not something someone would easily spot. Jesper's revolvers were at his sides as ever; Kaz was willing to bet the Zemeni sharpshooter never went anywhere without them.
Wylan's outfit was similar, in a deep blue that brought out his eyes, though the merchling looked a bit uncomfortable in the suit jacket and Kaz suspected it would be discarded by the end of the night. For now, though, he endured it, and the crow pin gleamed on his suit as well.
Kaz turned to Nina. "Why does everyone have a crow pin?"
Nina grinned. "I thought it'd be nice if the six of us were set a little apart from the rest. We're the original Ice Court team, right? I thought why not let everyone remember it?"
Kaz raised an eyebrow. "How devious of you."
Nina's grin widened. "Oh Saints, he's impressed! That's quite the feat."
Kaz rolled his eyes. "Where's Inej?"
"Right here," said Inej, and stepped out of the shadows.
Kaz's breath caught in his throat. She looked breathtakingly beautiful. Her hair was still in its usual braid, but it was over her shoulder rather than straight down her back tonight. Her dress was various shades of purple and deep blue, and the fabric had Suli designs imprinted on it that gave the dress the impression it was moving - dancing, flying, leaping like the acrobats that Inej's family were. Kaz knew without a doubt that her knives were still hidden in various concealed sheaths sewn into the fabric, and he suspected she had on a light tunic and trousers underneath in case of emergency. Amethyst-in-gold earrings and necklace completed the look, and the silver crow pin shone proudly in the half-light from the closed parlor doors.
Nina nudged Jesper. "I think he's a bit starstruck."
Jesper nodded. "Definitely."
Kaz shook himself and glared at the two Grisha. They just laughed. He glanced back at Inej to see she was hiding her own smirk and sighed again.
"You people are going to be the death of me," Kaz muttered.
"That is our job, demjin," Matthias said, and Kaz was actually surprised that the Fjerdan had made a joke. He hadn't entirely thought that was possible.
Kaz rolled his eyes, albeit fondly. He really had missed this.
"Alright, you idiots," he said. "I believe we have a party to attend."
And with that, together, the six friends stepped through the doors.
"Thank you for your smile...
It's warmer than the fire...
Your gentle laughter...
Is sweeter than a choir...
I'll never know
The right words to choose...
So all I can say
Is thank you...
Thank you..."
Kaz had spent the majority of this party standing against a wall watching Inej.
She'd walked into the party and immediately lit up. He'd watched her move through the room, talking and laughing with the Dregs and encouraging her crew to mingle. Her smile seemed to light up every corner of the room, and when he could hear her laughter he was once again struck with the thought that he'd like to find a way to bottle it up and get drunk on it. She was radiant and warm, and seemed to draw people in like moths to a flame. She had a kind word for everyone, and he'd seen her get involved in a few animated conversations that ended with her smiling once more.
Kaz himself had said hello to a few people, then found himself a drink and retreated to the wall, preferring to people-watch rather than actually people-ing. The unfortunate side effect of staying on the edge and keeping to himself was that he had time to think - something he wasn't too keen on doing when Inej was around.
He knew he loved her. Even if he didn't want to admit it to himself, there was no denying the truth when she was right in front of him and looking so beautiful. She'd saved him on multiple occasions, and not just from whatever had gone wrong on a job. She'd saved him from himself, too. There had been times when he got extremely low, times when he'd been liable to lash out irrationally. Times when he could have succumbed to all the weight of his demons and let them take him. But always Inej had been there, calm and strong and secure, his safety net when he fell off the tightrope that was his life, waiting to catch him and help him rise again. She had been his light through the darkness, his calm in the eye of the storm, the salvation that had pulled him through the darkest nights and led him back into as much of the light as he could occupy. He realized he'd never thanked her properly for that.
But there were still barriers. There were still some demons that even Inej's presence couldn't defeat - the fact that he still wore his gloves was proof enough of that. And he remembered her saying so long ago now that she would have him without armor or not at all. He knew he couldn't get rid of his armor. Not all of it. And if she wanted him without armor, then they could never be.
That didn't stop him from wishing.
He gazed out over the crowd again, searching for her once more, only to have her speak from right behind him. "Looking for someone?"
Kaz turned and again was momentarily rendered speechless by the sight of her. Once he found his voice, which took him longer than he cared to admit, he managed to say, "Yes, actually. I was looking for you."
"Found me," Inej said, and her smile made Kaz have to fight hard not to give in and kiss her. "Is there any particular reason you're hiding against a wall?"
"I don't like people," muttered Kaz. Inej laughed; Kaz rather thought he was going to die, the sound was so intoxicating.
"Yes, but they're your people," she pointed out.
"That doesn't mean I have to actually like them," Kaz shot back. Inej chuckled again.
"Fair enough," she conceded. "You do realize Nina's going to kill you if you don't get out there and mingle at least a little bit, right?"
Kaz groaned. "Saints. Didn't think of that."
Inej was smirking. Kaz thought it just made her look more beautiful. "Well, dance with me, then."
Kaz raised an eyebrow. "What now?"
"Dance with me," Inej laughed. "Come on, I know you can dance. You just can't ever be arsed to show it off."
Kaz didn't entirely know how to respond to that. Yes, he could dance, and if dancing with Inej was an option then he should have said yes in a heartbeat - but he also knew she could dance, and he also knew there was a high probability that watching her dance would make him lose control. There was also the matter of his reputation, but he wasn't too concerned about that; it was just the Dregs and Inej's crew here, after all, and he could always threaten the few lost-looking merchers into silence.
"Come on, Kaz, this way Nina will see you doing something other than standing against a wall," Inej told him. She hesitated, then added, "Besides...dancing with me wouldn't be so bad, would it?"
Kaz had known he was going to give in the moment she offered, but now he let himself. What the hell, he thought.
"Alright then," he said, and Inej immediately brightened. Despite himself, Kaz smiled a little. "Shall we dance?"
"Spent all this time hanging lights...
But I'm...!
Just blinded by your eyes...
I look outside, the ground is white...
But you and I...!
Should probably stay inside...
Thank you for your smile...
It's warmer than the fire...
Your gentle laughter...
Is sweeter than a choir...
I can't believe
This year you've got me through...
The least I can do
Is thank you..."
Heads turned as they walked onto the dancefloor. Kaz tossed his cane to Jesper since the sharpshooter was standing closest to him, then swept past him with Inej onto the floor. To their credit, the small orchestra that Wylan had hired and sworn to silence didn't falter too much at the sight of Kaz Brekker appearing on the dancefloor, but they did change to a piece he liked, a dark and energetic piece called Avalon Rising.
The shock wore off a few measures into the song and other people resumed their own dancing. Soon enough the parlor was once more a riot of color and warmth and laughter as the Dregs went back to enjoying themselves.
Heads turned once more, however, as they began dancing in earnest. Most of them had never even met Kaz or Inej, let alone known that the two most dangerous people in Ketterdam could dance, and it was quite a sight to see: Inej, graceful as a ballerina, almost ethereal in her movements, and Kaz, surprisingly adept, graceful in his own right despite his limp and looking for all the world like a fallen angel as he spun Inej through the room.
Kaz was hardly paying attention. He didn't care what the Dregs thought of them; he was too busy keeping his eyes on Inej and trying to figure out how to say what he needed to say.
"Inej," he began, his rough voice somehow even rougher than usual.
"Not now," she said. "Wait until there aren't people looking at us."
"Inej, I -" he tried, but she cut him off again.
"Kaz," she said, "please just let me enjoy this dance before we talk."
Kaz nodded once, barely perceptibly, but she saw it and understood. "Look at me," she said, and Kaz obeyed, looking into her eyes and feeling as if he'd like to drown in them and forget the world.
They remained that way for the rest of the dance, which concluded to a round of applause from the watching Dregs. Kaz tore his gaze away from Inej's to raise an eyebrow at the room and heard Inej laugh quietly when she noticed. Jesper tossed Kaz's cane back without being asked to, and then Inej had taken hold of Kaz's gloved hand and pulled him back to the sidelines, letting the crowd obscure them from view.
"You were going to say something?" Inej said when she was sure they weren't being paid any more attention to.
Kaz took a deep breath. "Inej...there's a lot I want to say, and a lot I don't know how. You know I'm not good at feelings. But I wanted to tell you...you've saved me, in more ways than one, on more than one occasion. I realized I've never thanked you for it. So...since I don't think I'll ever find the right words to express everything else I can't say...all I can say is thank you."
Inej smiled softly. She still hadn't let go of his hand. "It's all complicated with us, isn't it?"
Kaz nodded. "That's the understatement of the year." He studied her face, trying to commit every inch of it to memory. She was beautiful. She was everything he wanted and everything he could never be. He wished she was his.
Impulsively, she laid her hand on his cheek, and Kaz stiffened at the touch, bracing himself for the rush of the water and the sickening feel of Jordie's dessicated flesh. To his surprise, it didn't come, and slowly he relaxed, wondering where the water had gone. He wasn't complaining - the feel of Inej's hand on his face without Kaz's sickness to prevert it was glorious - but he did have to wonder what had made the sickness disappear.
"It doesn't have to be," she whispered.
Kaz's throat constricted, but it still wasn't from the sickness; it was simply emotion, coming at him in waves that he couldn't process for how fast and how hard they came. "But it does," he said when he found his voice. "You said once that you'd have me without armor or not at all. I want you, and I want you to be able to have me without armor, but I will never be able to get rid of some of it. Even if you strip me down to the boy I'm supposed to be - no legends, no myths, no Dirtyhands, just Kaz - there will be pieces of armor that cling to me and suffocate me under their weight." Oh, hell - the water was trying to come back as he talked. He forced it to stay buried. "Even if I manage to pull myself back into some semblance of a man for you...the sickness will remain, and there are parts of me that you will never see. So it has to be complicated, because I cannot be what you need me to be, but we can't deny this...thing between us either."
Inej was watching him, and he knew she could see the struggle to fight back the waves in his eyes. "You once told me," she said gently, "that if you couldn't walk, you'd crawl to me, and no matter how broken we were we'd still fight our way out together. Is that still true?"
Kaz swallowed and once again shoved down the image of Jordie's corpse, forcing himself to focus on Inej's face. "Always."
"Then maybe we can make it work," Inej said, and against his better judgement a small flame of hope sprang alive somewhere deep within Kaz. "It won't be easy, or pretty, or clean, but maybe we can make it work despite your armor, despite your sickness."
"You really think we'd be able to?" Kaz asked, and hated how pleading he sounded but knew he could do nothing about it. It was taking a good deal of his willpower to suppress the images of Jordie that kept threatening to rise to the surface. And she still hadn't moved her hand - Kaz wondered if she was testing him.
In response, Inej leaned in and kissed him.
It was quick and chaste and she pulled away within a few seconds, but it was a kiss nonetheless, and it still served to send Kaz's heart stuttering and his sickness raging. He barely managed to keep a hold on the sickness and force it back down, and he knew Inej could see the fear in his eyes. He hoped she could see the rest of what he couldn't say in his eyes, too.
"I think we can try," she said, and then retreated, removing her hand and beginning to move away from him. Kaz felt both as if he could breathe again, the sickness already subsiding, and as if a Heartrender were cutting off his air.
Her hand slipped out of his, and she melted away back into the party, leaving Kaz breathless, his heart pounding, the newly kindled fire of hope alight in his chest, the ghost of Inej's kiss still lingering on his lips, and a single thought in his head.
Thank you.
Holy shit, I wasn't sure if I would finish that. I hope I made Kaz and his internal struggle with his feelings for Inej believable...it's my first time writing an SoC fic and Kaz is a very difficult character to get into the head of. If he seems OOC at all, I'm sorry. Also, for the record, I didn't know Inej was going to kiss him until she did...hope that satisfies? Anyway, I'm rambling a little, but I hope you enjoyed my first attempt at a Six of Crows fic. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and please leave a review!
