Prompt #2: "I was afraid if I heard your voice I wouldn't have been able to leave." Elliot did leave, but what if he called Olivia once a year on Christmas Eve to hear her voice.
Christmas Without You
~oOo~
Christmas 2011
Christmastime in New York City is nothing short of magic. The grit and grime of the streets are covered with a blanket of white, giving the illusion of innocence. A fresh slate upon which you can write your plans for the year ahead. It had always been one of Elliot's favorite times of the year.
This year, however, he was having difficulty finding joy in anything. It had been seven months since he had left SVU. Seven months since he had walked away from the only life he had ever known.
Seven months since he had seen her.
IAB had called it a good shooting. He hated that term. There was nothing good about killing a teenage girl. Tucker had led the interrogation, reveling in the opportunity to yet again goad Elliot about his temper, his ego, and his recklessness. In the end though, it was a passing comment Tucker made as he was leaving the room that hit Elliot like a bullet through the heart.
You may not care about your own career but think about hers.
For weeks after the shooting she had called every day, but he couldn't answer. He didn't know what to say or do, but he knew he had to make the decision on his own. And he knew if he answered her calls, if he heard her voice, the decision would be made for him.
Eventually, he chose to put his family and her career first, even if that meant stepping away.
It was Christmas Eve and the snow had been falling steadily all day, erasing all evidence of a world that existed outside his living room window. Unfortunately, it couldn't cover the space in his heart that she occupied. Traditionally his family attended Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve, but the twins were sick. He offered to take Maureen, Kathleen, and Eli, but with the snow still coming down and two children already under the weather, she had told him to go ahead. They would all go together in the morning.
He walked to the church rather than fighting with the snow that currently covered the driveway. It was unusually cold, but it was not a long walk and it gave him a little extra time to reflect. They had only missed one other Christmas Eve Mass as a family — the year Maureen and Kathleen both got chickenpox four days before Christmas. His children, his wife… they were everything to him. And yet on and off all day, Olivia kept invading his thoughts. He knew how much she hated holidays because they reminded her of all the things she thought she would have by now — a husband, children, a family to share the joy of the season with. Walking up the steps of the church, he tried to imagine what that would feel like. What would his life be like if every Christmas Eve was a walk alone to Mass and back to an empty apartment?
It was this thought that consumed him as Father Hogan spoke, and he was vaguely aware of going through the motions until he stepped back out into the frigid December night. The darkness of midnight surrounded him and with sudden clarity, he knew he had to hear her voice. Pulling his cell phone out of his coat pocket, he dialed her number.
"Hello?"
The sleep was evident in her voice and it was only then he realized what time it was. His brain was shouting at him to say something, but his mouth couldn't form the words.
"Hello?" A pause, and then a whisper. "El, is that you?"
Damn caller ID. He cleared his throat. "Yeah. Yeah, Liv. It's me. I'm sorry, I...I didn't think about what time it was."
"No, it's ok. Are you ok?" He didn't deserve her care or her kindness, but they would always be welcome.
"I'm ok. Feeling a little lost and needed to hear your voice."
"I called for weeks and you never answered." She sounded hurt, and it broke his heart to know he was the cause of it.
"I know. I'm sorry. I didn't know what to say."
"Anything. El, you could have said anything or nothing at all. I would have been there."
"I just had to make the decision on my own, Liv. I had to decide what the future looked like on my own, and I knew if I heard your voice, I wouldn't have been able to leave."
There was another long pause on her end of the line. He thought about how he had felt when she transferred to computer crimes, when she took the undercover assignment in Oregon. He knew the hurt she felt right now, and he didn't blame her for being mad.
He also knew that each time she came back, he clung to her a little tighter… wanted her a little more than before. And that's how he knew that if he was serious about leaving SVU, he had to let her go.
"Elliot, you could come back, you know. I'm sure Cragen would pull some strings." A sigh escapes her lips. "I miss you."
Another feeling he knew all too well. "I miss you, too. I can't come back though, Liv." He wanted to tell her why… explain about Tucker and his feelings and all the reasons she deserved more than him.
She was quiet for a moment. "Well, if you change your mind, you know where to find us. Merry Christmas, El."
"Merry Christmas, Liv."
The rest of the walk home was bittersweet. Hearing her voice made him feel lighter somehow, the ache in his heart momentarily soothed. He knew it would return eventually, but for tonight he would allow himself the comfort of knowing that she was alive and well.
~oOo~
Christmas 2012
He sat on the terrace of their apartment, drinking coffee and taking in the sights and sounds of his first Christmas in Rome. In some ways, it reminded him of New York. Christmas lights decorated the houses and businesses around him. The Tiber reflected their glow with every ripple. She would love it here… except her absence was a constant reminder that this was not New York.
They hadn't spoken since Christmas Eve last year. He knew she wouldn't call… that she would leave it up to him. And though there were countless times she crossed his mind, daily if he was honest, he knew he couldn't. Something about this time of year made him long to hear her voice though. It was early, 4 am on Christmas Day morning, which meant it would be 10 pm Christmas Eve in New York. Kathy and the kids were still asleep, so he picked up his phone and dialed her number.
"Hello?" He thought that seven months without hearing her voice was difficult, but twelve months seemed like a lifetime.
"Hey, Liv. It's me."
"El? Where are you calling from?"
"Uh, Rome actually. We moved here in June. Kathy… we decided we needed a fresh start."
The silence was deafening, but he owed it to her to give her time to process what he had said.
"You moved to Italy, and you didn't bother to say goodbye… again. What do you want me to say to that?"
It was a fair question. A question she deserved an answer to, but he didn't have one. "Nothing. I have no expectations, Liv. I just felt like I should call and…"
She cut in, anger evident in her voice. "Elliot, you don't have to do this. You don't have to call once a year to appease some sort of Catholic guilt. I'm a big girl. I'm fine."
"Is that what you think? That I call out of some sort of need to make amends?" He was a little taken aback. Though he didn't blame her at all for being mad at him, her words still hurt.
"Isn't it? You just keep running farther away and then letting me know after the fact. Making your confessions and then going about your life for the next 364 days until it's time to call again."
"Olivia, I didn't run. Do you honestly think I wanted to leave the unit? To leave you? To leave the damn country?!"
"I don't know what the hell to think, Elliot! You left without a word, ignored every effort I made to reach you, and then called once at Christmas and disappeared again!"
"I left because IAB made it clear that it was just a matter of time before they found a reason to take my gun and badge. Tucker told me to think of your career… so that's what I did."
"And you didn't think I should have a say in that?" she asked quietly.
"Liv…" His voice was quiet now, too. "I know how much SVU means to you. I couldn't risk you losing it because of me."
He heard a small sob on the other end of the line and could tell she was trying not to cry. "SVU means the world to me, but so do you, Elliot." In that statement, he heard all of the things she couldn't say. Things they had both fought for 12 years.
"I just...I need you to know that I didn't want to leave you. I never wanted to hurt you." His voice was barely above a whisper.
"But you did, Elliot."
He knew what he had done when he left. He was aware of the pain it would cause her. The depth of that pain though was something he hadn't comprehended. In his mind, he was doing her a favor. In reality, he had hurt her irreparably, and there was no way to fix it.
"If I could go back and change the way I handled things, I would. If I could go back and relive that day, I would. But I can't, Liv."
There was another long silence before she finally spoke. "Is this our new normal? A phone call every Christmas and then silence the rest of the year?"
"Not if you don't want it to be. Olivia, I'm doing my best, but if you don't want me to call… I'll respect your wishes."
"No, I want you to call. I just wish it was more than once a year." The fight in her voice was gone. She had resigned herself to their situation, and he tried to as well. Just then he heard Eli stirring in his room.
"Maybe someday it can be. Liv, Eli is waking up so I've gotta go. Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas, Elliot."
~oOo~
Christmas 2013
"You've reached Olivia Benson. I'm sorry I missed your call, but if you leave your name and number I will get back to you as soon as I can."
He called three times that Christmas Eve, and each time he got her voicemail. The first time he assumed she was busy and decided to wait a couple of hours before calling again.
The second time he thought maybe she was upset about last year's conversation. He thought they had ended it on a positive note, but maybe he was wrong?
After everyone was asleep he tried one last time.
"You've reached Olivia Benson. I'm sorry I missed your call, but if you leave your name and number I will get back to you as soon as I can."
Sighing, he waited for the beep and left a message. "Liv, it's me. I wish you were there." He paused. It hit him that he looked forward to this phone call all year long, and he found himself missing her voice far more than he imagined he could. Suddenly he felt the emotion threaten to overtake his voice. "Just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas," he whispered.
~oOo~
Christmas 2014
He was getting used to Rome, but he was happy to be back in New York, even if it was just for the holidays. Maureen and Kathleen were renting a great apartment in the city and had offered to host Christmas this year. Truth be told, neither of them wanted to leave their boyfriends over the holidays, but he didn't mind. About visiting New York anyway… he could do without the boyfriends.
Geographically this was the closest he had been to her in three years, but emotionally he had never felt farther away. On her last birthday, he had actually considered stopping at a payphone and calling her number just to hear her voice without giving himself away, but he decided against it. He couldn't do that to her. Calling once a year was enough to keep the wound fresh for both of them.
He, Kathy, and Eli had been in town for a few days, and while the girls were working, they had spent some time with Lizzie and Dickie. They had also taken Eli to do some of the touristy things in New York City since he really didn't remember much about it from before. Elliot had rented a car and they had driven around, showing him the house they used to live in and where his siblings had gone to school. "Can I see where you used to work, daddy?" Eli had asked. He looked at Kathy before answering. "Sure, buddy, we can drive by."
"Have you talked to anyone there lately?" his wife asked, and he was thankful for the way she had worded her question. It meant he didn't have to lie when he said, "No, I haven't talked to any of them in years." The guilt simmered under the surface though, because he knew that tonight he would call her and all he could do was hope that she answered.
That evening they sat down for dinner as a family, all seven of them together. Maureen and Kathy had cooked and everything was delicious. The plan was for Eli to get a few hours of rest before Midnight Mass, but he refused to go to bed without putting out milk and cookies for Santa.
"But Kathleen! Santa won't know I'm here if we don't leave him milk and cookies! He'll skip us and take my presents to Rome!" Eli cried.
"Buddy, I'm sorry but I don't have any cookies! I promise though, Santa's magic. He will know where you are, even without them." Kathleen was really laying it on thick, trying to calm her little brother down, but he wouldn't hear it. Finally, she looked at her dad. "Do you think you could run to the store and get a package of Oreos or some cookie dough? I know it's late, but I don't want him to be this upset."
Elliot was touched that Kathleen cared so much about her brother, but he was also thankful for a few minutes alone. On his way to the store, he pulled out his phone and dialed her number, then held his breath until he heard her voice on the other end of the line.
"I was hoping you would call." The fact that she knew it was him made him smile. The fact that she was actually looking forward to his call made his heart beat a little faster.
"You have no idea how good it is to hear your voice. I was worried after last year…" What exactly was he worried about? That she had let him go? Honestly, it's what he deserved. "I thought maybe I had made you mad."
"I'd rather not talk about last year, Elliot." Elliot. Not El.
"Ok. We don't have to talk about anything you don't want to talk about." He wasn't sure what she was avoiding talking about, but whatever it was sounded serious. "How is work?"
"Good. We have two new detectives that have turned out to be pretty great. Munch and Fin are well. They ask about you occasionally. I lie and say I haven't heard from you."
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't put you in that position. I'll try to get in touch with them. It's just hard...I miss it."
She sighed. "Well, you know my solution to that; come back."
"Liv, you know I can't. Besides, hypothetically even if I could, Cragen has put his ass on the line for me more than enough times."
"Elliot… Cragen retired earlier this year. I assumed you knew."
He stopped outside the grocery store, thinking about what she had just said. Cragen retired. Cragen was no longer in charge of SVU and no one had told him. "No. No, I didn't know. So who's in charge now?"
"Me."
The silence that followed was palpable. Olivia Benson was running SVU. His partner, the heart and soul of the unit since the day she walked in the door, was now calling the shots.
"You still there?" Her voice cut through the thoughts that flooded his mind.
"Yeah, I'm here. Liv… I don't know what to say." And then, almost a whisper. "I'm so proud of you." He could swear he could hear her smiling. God, he missed her smile. "Any other big news you've been keeping from me?"
"Actually, there is one other piece of good to come out of this year. I have a son. A beautiful, smart, healthy baby boy named Noah."
He closed his eyes and he could picture her holding her son, the same way she had held Eli and every other child they came in contact with in the years they worked together. Being a mother had always been her dream, and he always knew she would be terrific at it. Only he didn't get to see it.
"That's amazing, Liv. I'm so happy for you. I always knew you'd be a great mom. Wish I was there to see it."
"I wish you were, too." And then he heard a baby crying in the background. "Speaking of Noah, it sounds like he just woke up. I've gotta go, El, but it was nice to hear from you."
He swallowed hard, wishing he could talk to her for just a little longer. "It was good to hear your voice. Goodnight Liv."
Being in the city somehow made her seem even farther away than when he was in Rome, even though he could be at her apartment in 15 minutes if he chose. Instead, he walked back to the apartment with cookies in hand, back to the family he loved.
Away from the woman he missed more than he ever thought possible.
~oOo~
Christmas 2015
He was working for the Organized Crime Bureau in Rome now. It felt good to be a part of a squad again. He felt more like himself.
Kathy didn't love it. It put him in danger again. It meant more days where he came home with secrets he couldn't share, but for some reason, it didn't bother her as much as it used to that he only talked to his partner about those things. Then again, his partner was a 6 foot 5 Roman god of a man and not a gorgeous woman.
Of course, he missed that woman. Her insight on cases… the way they danced in an interrogation room, reading each other's cues and switching between good cop and bad cop effortlessly. He missed their shorthand.
He had wondered a lot in the past year about what she was like as a captain. He knew how methodical she was, how good she was at playing the parts she needed to play to get justice. She would bend when needed, but she would never, ever break. He imagined her squad would have the utmost respect for her. Still, he had a hunch she missed the excitement of detective work.
Or maybe he just hoped she did because it would mean that a part of her missed him.
He had also wondered about Liv and her son. He had always dreamed of her, even before he left. But since last Christmas he had had a recurring dream of her holding a little boy with dark hair and eyes like hers, her hand rubbing circles on his back as she rocked him to sleep. He could hear her soft voice singing him a lullaby, and as she laid him gently in his crib she would whisper, "Goodnight, sweet boy. Your daddy and I love you so much."
He would always wake up sad after those dreams, but if Kathy suspected she never asked, and for that he was grateful. The truth of the matter was that he did hope Noah had a father who loved him and his mother with every beat of his heart. Olivia deserved nothing less.
This year the older kids were all coming to Rome for the holidays and he was thankful for a reason to throw himself into preparing for their arrival. He and Eli helped clean, he made multiple runs to the store to ensure they had enough food, and he double-checked that there were cookies and milk on hand for Santa. Maureen, Carl, Elizabeth, and Dickie had all booked a flight together and arrived two days before Christmas Eve. Kathleen, however, hadn't been able to get the extra days off, so she was flying in on the 24th. She had offered to take a cab from the airport to their apartment, but Elliot had insisted he would pick her up.
On the drive there he made the most important call of the year. However, when she answered, he could barely hear her over the sound of a tantrum happening just behind her.
"Hey, El… can I call you back? I was feeding Noah and someone gets cranky if I don't cut his food fast enough."
"Ummm, it's ok. I'll call you back in a little while."
He hung up and glanced at the clock. 5:15. Kathleen's plane would land in an hour. He would wait half an hour and try again.
The airport was busy, but he had expected that much. He finally found a place to park and checked the time. 5:50. Kathleen's flight was supposed to land at 6:30, so he had time to try calling Liv again.
This time when she answered, all was quiet.
"Hey, El. Sorry about earlier. He's sleeping now."
"It's ok. Been through it a few times...I remember how it is." He paused. "Tell me about him."
He could hear the smile in her voice as she began talking about her son. "Well, he's two. He had a rough first few months of life, but he's doing great now. In fact, this year I finalized the adoption. He's officially Noah Benson now." So Noah was adopted. That was a detail she hadn't mentioned last year.
She sounded so happy… so in love with this little boy. "That's great, Liv. I'm so happy for you."
"Thanks." He wasn't positive, but he thought he heard her sigh. "I wish you could meet him."
"I do, too. So how did it happen? How did you and Noah find each other?"
"Long story, but Rollins and I found him while investigating a case. He bounced around from foster home to foster home. We finally found his mother, but she was killed shortly after. Langan and the judge knew I had been keeping an eye on his case and thought I might be interested in fostering him." She stopped and he waited, sensing there was more she wanted to say. "El, until that day all anyone saw, was a single female with a dangerous job and a questionable family history… except you."
"Liv…" he started, but in truth, he had no idea what to say.
"It's ok, Elliot. I know." Then she asked him a question that he hadn't expected. "She doesn't know you call every year, does she?"
"No. No, she doesn't." And then he saw a plane approaching and glanced at the time. "Hey Liv, Kathleen's flight is about to land, so I'm going to have to go. Will you do me a favor though? Give Noah a hug for me?"
"That I will most certainly do. Merry Christmas, Stabler."
"Merry Christmas, Benson."
~oOo~
Christmas 2016
Another year. Another Christmas in New York. Over and over he had thought about their conversation last year.
I wish you could meet him.
She doesn't know you call every year, does she?
No, she doesn't.
He had thought about telling Kathy, but he didn't know how she would react. It wasn't that he wanted to keep secrets from her, but where Olivia was concerned… maybe it was just better to let it be.
However, being in New York was so tempting. He could meet Noah… see her… God, he would love to see her. His mind flooded with excuses, errands he could fake, and then he would look at Kathy and Eli and remind himself that she wasn't his. He had a wife and children that he loved dearly. And although he loved her too, he knew she deserved more than he could give her.
And yet, when he called later that evening and heard a man's voice in the background, he immediately felt jealous.
"Merry Christmas, El." She said it softly, her voice melodic and joyful. She was happy, and he wanted her to be. Damn it, why did this have to be so complicated?
"Merry Christmas, Liv. You sound happy… happier than you've sounded in a while." It was a truth that he hated to admit, but he also couldn't deny it.
"Do I? Well, I am pretty happy at the moment. And I look forward to this call every year, so there's another reason for some joy." He closed his eyes, trying to picture the smile on her face. "So, how are you? How is your family?"
Now he smiled. "They are good. Eli is in 2nd grade and is extremely bright. He speaks Italian better than Kathy and I combined. Dickie is working for an investment company, and Lizzie is doing event planning. Mo and Carl just got engaged, so Kathleen has the apartment to herself. She's doing wonderful, Liv. You'd be proud of her."
"I'm sure I would. Your babies aren't babies anymore, Stabler." She paused. "How's Kathy?"
"She's good. She loves Rome but misses the kids." He sighed audibly before he could stop himself.
"And how are you?" she asked gently, giving him a chance to vent if need be.
"Rome is beautiful, but it's not home." Home is where you are, he thought to himself. Home is New York. While he was thinking, he heard the man's voice again, closer this time, and he couldn't help but think it sounded familiar.
"El, we're getting ready to take Noah to see Santa so I've gotta go." We. We're taking Noah. He had no right to feel the way he felt hearing those words. Liv's happiness was important to him. He just wished he could be a part of it.
"I understand. Have fun, Liv. We'll talk again soon."
"Goodnight, Elliot."
~oOo~
Christmas 2017
Hanging the stockings by the fireplace was Eli's job, and this was the first Christmas where he was tall enough to do it on his own without any help. He sat back on the couch and watched as Kathy handed him each of the three stockings and he carefully placed the loop over the hook. He missed the days when there had been seven stockings, but his older children were grown and living their own lives. Maureen and Carl were spending the holidays with his family, so they wouldn't be coming to visit this year. Elizabeth had a big wedding the day after Christmas, but she planned to be there for New Year's. Kathleen had arrived a few days ago, and Dickie was supposed to be arriving later.
When he felt his daughter's arms wrap around his neck from behind, he couldn't help but smile. It had been nice having Kathleen here for a few extra days. "Whatcha thinking about?" she asked him as she plopped down next to him on the couch. He pulled her close and kissed the top of her head. "I was thinking about when you and your brother and sisters were little. Hard to believe you're all grown up."
"We miss you, you know," she said seriously. "You, mom, and Eli. It would be nice to have you back in New York."
"I miss you, too, and I would love to move back. But your mom and Eli are happy here," he said simply.
She studied his face. He hated when she did that because she was the one person other than Olivia who could always see through him. "Where are you happy, Dad?"
And in his mind, he was back in the city that never sleeps before Jenna Fox walked into the precinct and opened fire.
Before he had killed her.
Before he had ruined his own damn life in order to save hers.
"Dad?" Kathleen's voice brought him back to reality. Looking into blue eyes that mirrored his, he managed a weak smile. "I'm happy wherever you all are happy." She knew it wasn't the whole truth, but she decided to let it be for now.
Dickie had refused to let anyone pick him up, so he arrived in a cab around 7:00. Kathy was just setting up dinner on the table when he walked in, dropped his bags, and announced the favorite Stabler son had arrived. "Impossible," cracked Eli. "I've been here the whole time." Dickie rolled his eyes and tousled the little man's hair while Kathleen just laughed.
Dinner was delicious, and afterward Dickie and Kathleen helped him clean up while Kathy put Eli to bed. "Wanna go for a walk?" Kathleen asked him after they finished clearing the dishes. The thought of strolling the streets of Rome with his daughter sounded perfect, so he grabbed his coat and they headed out.
"It really is beautiful here," he said, almost more to himself than to her.
"It is. But something can be beautiful and still not be right, Dad," she replied.
He looked at her and saw her studying him again. "I hate it when you do that," he said.
"Do what?" she asked, feigning innocence. "When you stare into my soul like that," he quipped.
She took his arm and they walked together in silence for a while. "When's the last time you talked to her?" she finally asked.
"Who?" he said, but she just stared back at him. Looking away, he answered truthfully. "I call her every year on Christmas Eve."
"Well then it seems like you have a call to make," she said.
"Sweetheart, it's not…I never..." he started, but she interrupted him. "Dad, I know. I know the choice you made, and I love you for it. But you deserve to be happy, too. So if hearing her voice once a year helps you give the other 364 to Mom, I think that's a fair trade-off. And for what it's worth, I'll be your alibi."
He smiled, realizing again just how grown up she was. "I love you and your brothers and sisters more than anything in this world. You know that, right?"
"Of course I do. Now call her. I'll be down the block window shopping. Tell her I said hi."
"Hey, El." She answered on the second ring like she had been waiting for his call. "Hold on. Someone else wants to say hi." He could hear her put the phone on speaker. "Noah, can you say hi to my friend Elliot?" He heard a giggle and then a little voice. "Hi, Wewwiot!"
Elliot laughed out loud. "Hey, Noah. Merry Christmas, buddy."
And then she was clicking the phone off speaker and telling him he could go play with his toys. "How are you?" She always asked. He always pretended he was fine.
"Good. Currently on a walk with Kathleen. She's window shopping down the block. Said to tell you hi."
"Tell her hi back… and that I miss her. I miss all of you, Elliot." The joy he had heard last year was gone, and in its place was a sadness that he knew was reflected in his own voice.
"I know." He knew he had to change the subject. "How are you? Noah sounds like a happy little man."
"He is. He's been my sunshine on so many cloudy days. I don't think I ever truly knew what unconditional love felt like, you know?"
He did know. He knew the first time he held Maureen in his arms. It was a feeling unlike any other. "Yeah, yeah I know exactly what you mean."
She was quiet for a little bit. "It's nice not to feel so alone. Knowing there's someone to come home to… it's an unexpected blessing."
Last year he had ignored the man's voice in the background, convinced himself not to ask any questions. However, hearing her talk about feeling alone broke something inside him. "So, it's just you and Noah? Last year...I mean...I guess I thought maybe Mr. Right had come along."
She laughed then, but she also sniffled and he wondered if he had said something to upset her. "It's just me and Noah. I'm not sure Mr. Right exists."
Just then Kathleen walked up and tapped her watch gently, indicating they should probably get back. He nodded. "He does, Liv." Then his voice dropped to a volume barely above a whisper. "Kathleen and I need to head back, but it was so good to hear your voice again. Goodnight, Olivia."
"Goodnight, Elliot."
As they walked back, she placed her hand in her father's. "Only 364 more days, Dad."
~oOo~
Christmas 2018
Every year like clockwork, he would begin dreaming about her in December. Not that he never dreamed about her the rest of the year, but December nights were almost always filled with her. Most of the time the dream was a memory… a case they had worked on or a conversation they had once upon a time.
Occasionally though, it was much more personal. Intimate. Dreams of what Christmas might be like with her. Shopping for the perfect gift for her, like a first edition of some Brontë novel or a necklace to add to the collection that regularly hung around her neck. The two of them taking Noah to see the big tree at Rockefeller Center. Watching White Christmas together every year… her falling asleep against his chest before the movie ended. Those were the dreams that scared him, and more than once he prayed he hadn't said her name in his sleep.
It was one of those dreams that he woke from that morning. In it, the two of them were outside in the woods. She was arguing that they could have just gone to a Christmas tree farm. He was trying to convince her that finding their own was much more romantic. They spotted one that looked perfect for her place and he knelt beside the trunk with a hand saw and got to work. When he felled the tree, he began wrapping the limbs with twine. As he worked, she quietly made her way behind him and aimed a well-placed snowball at his back. Laughing, he turned and quickly closed the space between them, picking her up and turning them both as he landed on his back in a snowdrift, her still in his arms. Her hands rested on his chest and she leaned into him, kissing him softly. His own hands found their way inside her coat, palms flat against her back as the heat of their bodies melted the snow around them.
When he awoke he was in bed, Kathy sleeping contently in his arms. He silently sent up a prayer of confession and kissed his wife's shoulder before scooting out of bed. Making his way to the kitchen, he brewed a pot of coffee and poured a cup before making his way out to the terrace. It would be late in New York, but he didn't think he could wait another minute to call her.
When she answered, he was relieved that she didn't sound like she had been sleeping.
"Hey, Liv… I know it's late. I just… I needed to hear your voice."
"It's ok. Noah has been asleep for a couple of hours and I was just finishing wrapping some of his gifts. What's up? Is everything ok?"
"Yeah. Yeah, everything is fine. Liv… do you ever wonder… I mean, if things were different…" He trailed off, his train of thought disappeared into the silence. "Nevermind."
"El, are you sure everything is ok?"
He sighed, wrestling with whether or not to tell her about the dream. On one hand, he wanted her to know that she was still a part of him, even an ocean away. That he still thought about her. On the other hand, telling her would just open up old wounds. She didn't deserve that. Misery might love company, but he couldn't cause her pain.
"Everything's good Liv. I just miss you. Miss the precinct. Miss New York winters. Feeling more nostalgic than usual this year I guess."
"Well, not much has changed. Right now the snow is falling outside and from my living room window I can see two Santas arguing on the corner… same old, same old." She laughed, and the sound made him laugh as well.
"Nice to hear the city hasn't changed. Taken Noah to see Santa yet?"
"Yeah, last week. His Christmas list gets longer and more expensive every year!"
"Just wait. It gets worse." He laughed again, and suddenly he remembered his dream… the way they had laughed as they fell into the snowbank.
"I'm sure Eli has quite the list. What did he ask for this year?" He loved that she still felt such a connection to his youngest child.
"A Star Wars Lego set, drums, and new gear for soccer. He's pretty predictable." About that time, he heard a noise in his son's room. "Speaking of Eli, I think he just woke up. I should go."
"Ok. Hey, El? What you asked earlier about wondering if things were different? The answer is all the time."
"Me too. Merry Christmas, Liv."
"Merry Christmas, El."
~oOo~
Christmas 2019
He and Eli were Christmas shopping for Kathy about a week before Christmas when he heard it for the first time that year. One minute Burl Ives was singing a jolly tune, and the next Bing Crosby was crooning I'll Be Home For Christmas and he felt his heart begin to ache. He knew he would only be in New York in his dreams, but he so wished it could be reality. He was lost in a daydream, his whole family in their old home in Queens, Liv, and Noah joining them for dinner when Eli shook his arm.
"Dad, do you think mom would like a necklace?" His son really wanted to pick out his own gift this year, but he was having a hard time deciding on what he wanted to buy her. "I think your mom would love a necklace," he replied. Pushing aside his thoughts and ignoring the music, he took his son's hand and they journeyed to the jewelry store across the street.
As he attempted to wrap the present that night, he grumbled in frustration and wondered aloud how it could be so easy to shoot the tires of a moving car but so hard to wrap a tiny box. He hadn't noticed Kathy watching him from the doorway until he heard her laugh. "Need some help with that?" she asked, coming to sit behind him on the bed.
"No, I've got it. Besides, you can't wrap your own gifts. It wouldn't be right." She ran her hands up and down his back as he finally put the last piece of tape in place. Handing her the gift, she set it on their dresser before returning to bed.
"You seem stressed, El. Is everything ok? Is it something at work?" He sighed, rubbing his hand across his forehead. "No, work is fine. I just miss the kids. It's hard to be so far from them… especially at this time of year."
"I know. I miss them, too," she said, wrapping her arms around him and placing kisses across his shoulder blades. He needed a distraction, and she seemed more eager than usual to provide one. He knew she missed their children, too. Maybe that was the reason behind this unexpected initiation of intimacy. Whatever the motivation, he was more than happy to focus on his wife rather than his sadness, if only for a little while.
As Christmas approached, he noticed more and more that his sadness was shared. Maybe he had been too wrapped up in his own feelings to notice that both Kathy and Eli were missing Mo, Carl, Kathleen, Lizzie, and Dickie just as much as he was, so he began a group chat to surprise his wife and son. They all agreed on a time, and on Christmas Eve they were able to Facetime each other. They talked for an hour, opening presents while chatting, and although it wasn't the same as having them all in the same room, it was better than nothing. Afterward, Kathy said she was going to put Eli to bed and then take a shower, so Elliot decided he would take a walk. He didn't know why it had never occurred to him that he could video call Olivia, but now that it had he couldn't shake the desire to see her face.
He found a bench under a lamppost and dialed her number. The camera icon lit up green as the phone rang, and then there was a second or two of darkness before her face appeared on his screen.
"You have a beard." She said it playfully, and when her nose crinkled his heart skipped a beat. God, she was even more beautiful than the last time he saw her.
"Your hair is long." She smiled and brushed it away from her face.
"Now that we've established we've both changed, why didn't we think of this sooner?"
He smiled at the question and shook his head. "Hell if I know, but I'm glad we finally did. And you really haven't changed at all, Liv. Still as beautiful as always." She rolled her eyes and blushed.
"You don't look bad yourself, Stabler." And then they just stared at each other for what felt like forever, taking each other in, retracing familiar features with a sort of reverence. "It's so good to see your face, Elliot."
"So, fill me in on your year, Captain." At that, she grinned, and he knew she enjoyed hearing him address her with her title. "How is the squad?"
"They're good. We are a little short-staffed right now. Carisi has moved from detective to ADA, so we are all a little more busy than usual… but it's good. Fin asks about you occasionally. I still pretend I have no idea. If he suspects otherwise he's never called me on it. What about you? How is your job?"
"It's good. A lot different from SVU, which is good in some ways. Not as many innocent victims. I don't lie awake wondering how a man could hurt a woman or child so callously… show no remorse. But it's still not the same." And then he heard a voice. "Mommy, can I have a snack?"
She turned to look somewhere off to her right. "Hold on a second, sweetheart. As soon as I get off the phone we can grab something, ok?" Turning back to the phone, she wore a slight pout on her face. "I'm sorry, El. I've gotta go."
"It's ok. I understand. It really was nice to see you."
"Before you go… would you like to meet him?"
Elliot would never have asked, but he certainly wasn't going to turn down the opportunity. "I'd love to meet him."
Turning again to her right, she called to her son to meet her in the kitchen. A few seconds later, a round-faced boy with curly, sandy-colored hair and blue eyes came into frame and climbed up onto her lap. "Noah, do you remember saying hi to my friend Elliot last year?" The boy looked at the phone and waved. "Uh huh! Hi Elliot."
"Hi, Noah. It's nice to meet you." He watched as she held the boy tightly, her chin resting on the top of his head, a smile just visible behind his curls.
"Mommy, can I have a snack now?" And then they were both laughing at the little boy. "Yes, sweetheart. El, it was good to see you. Merry Christmas!"
He walked back to his apartment thinking about the little boy with the bright blue eyes who had made her a mother.
~oOo~
Christmas 2020
Snow in Rome is rare, so when he awoke Christmas Eve morning and saw the dusting of white covering the streets of the ancient city, his heart beat a little faster. Something about snow made him feel closer to New York… closer to home.
Closer to her.
She loved snow. Even if she had been complaining all day about the cold, the first snowflake would quiet her grumbling and her face would light up with almost childlike wonder.
The blanket of white was an unexpected joy after a year of misery. The pandemic left little untouched, but both New York and Italy had been hit hard. During quarantine he found himself reflecting on life, and he had come to the conclusion that it was too short to continue to place space between himself and the people he loved. All of them. So when Fin called to tell him about Liv's award, he was pleasantly surprised when Kathy expressed an interest in going as well. "It's been ten years," she had said. "Our life is good here, but I understand what you left behind. She has worked hard for this. It's only right that we show our support." And so he had booked the flight that same day and told Fin to RSVP the three of them.
That was in November. Now it was December 24th yet again, and four more months stood between the call he would make later and holding her in his arms.
He, Eli, and Kathy had gone out to a local park to enjoy the snow. Eli jumped at the chance to build a snowman, throw snowballs at his parents, and just be outside. They kept to themselves, away from the few other families in the park. He watched his son play with eyes full of wonder, and he found himself picturing Noah and Eli playing together. He was sure the two boys would be fast friends if they ever met.
Not if. When. When they met.
As they walked back home, he lifted Eli up onto his back, giving him a piggyback ride as he held Kathy's hand. He was happier than he remembered being in a long time. Things were falling back into place. Maybe if this visit went well, they could go home.
That evening, Midnight Mass was virtual, which meant they could attend in their pajamas from the comfort of their living room. Eli fell asleep before it was over, so he picked him up and carried him to bed. When he came back, Kathy was half asleep on the couch as well. He chuckled, lifting her up just as he had their son. "What are you doing? It isn't over yet," she said sleepily. "It's ok. I don't think He will hold it against us," he said as he laid her gently in their bed. "You rest. I'll fill you in in the morning." He smiled as he kissed her forehead and went back to the living room.
When Mass was over, he slipped on his coat and a beanie and headed out to the terrace. Sighing, he dialed her number and clicked his camera into selfie mode. Soon, she and Noah were looking back at him happy and healthy, and he couldn't help the tear that ran down his cheek.
"Hi, Elliot!" He couldn't get over her son's blue eyes. They were so bright and full of wonder, just like Eli's.
"Hey, buddy! How are you? Have you been good this year?"
He watched as she squeezed her son a little tighter, the smile on her face radiating joy. "Mommy says so. Have you been good this year?" At that, both he and Olivia laughed.
"I think so. I definitely tried my best."
Noah smiled at Elliot and then looked up at his mom. "I'm sure Elliot was good this year, sweetheart. He's a good man." Even through a tiny phone screen, he could feel her eyes staring straight into his, reading him like a book. Noah hopped down from her lap, but her eyes remained trained on his.
"It's good to see your face… even more so this year. When I heard how hard New York had been hit…" he trailed off and she picked up.
"I thought the same thing when I heard the news from Italy. You ok? Kathy and Eli?"
"We're good. You and Noah?"
"We are fine. Safe and staying in as much as possible."
He didn't realize he was staring until she started laughing. "Sorry. Forgot how brown your eyes are."
"Impossible to forget yours. I see them every time I look into Noah's eyes."
"Liv… maybe when borders are opened again, I could come visit? Kathy, Eli, and I have been talking about spending the summer with the older kids in New York. It would be nice to see you."
He watched her, watched the blush again spread across her face. Then her eyes once again found his and something inside him felt whole for the first time in ten years.
"I would love that."
Glancing at the clock, he knew he needed to get to bed before Kathy noticed he was missing. "Great. We'll talk again soon. Merry Christmas, Liv."
"Merry Christmas, El."
For the first time in a decade, he ended the call feeling hopeful. In a few months, he would be back where he belonged.
In New York. With his family.
With her.
