Christmas Without You
Part 2
~oOo~
Christmas 2021
For the first three months of 2021, things had seemed brighter than they had in a long time. His marriage was good. Great, actually. Eli was happy and healthy, and so were the rest of his children. The borders were slowly opening again, and soon he would be back in New York City.
He didn't dare keep a tangible countdown, but every day that passed was a day closer to seeing her again. Little did he know it would be the day his world came crashing down around him.
The months that followed were a blur of mixed emotions. He had no idea how to navigate this grief and still do his job, be a dad, be a son. He was drowning and he knew it. An untethered boat drifting aimlessly as the waves dragged him farther from solid ground. And yet through it all, she was his beacon in the night, guiding him to safe harbor.
He felt guilty. Guilty that he could want her so badly after losing his wife. Guilty that he had wanted her so badly for years prior. Guilty that when it all became too much, his default reaction was to run.
She was upset with him for a multitude of reasons, beginning with the way he disappeared a decade ago. He had so much to make up for that he wasn't sure where to start, and yet each time he called, she was there.
It had already been a long December. The trial had threatened to drive them farther apart, but Eli had brought them back together. Once again she had dropped everything to help him save his youngest son. Suddenly she was beside him in a car, just as they had been for so many years of their partnership. Except she had never held his hand like this when they were partners.
As December 24th approached, the day he had claimed as theirs years ago, he began to feel bolder.
Bold enough to ask her to join his family for Christmas dinner.
"Just come," he had told her. He waited a few days, wondering if she would let him know like she said or just show up like he had offered. Then the day before the dinner, his phone beeped with a notification from her.
What should I bring tomorrow?
He was staring at his phone, smiling like a fool when his mother walked into the kitchen. "I take it she's coming?" He looked up, surprise on his face.
"How did you guess that?" he asked. She walked over to him, patting his hand before resting hers on top of his.
"Honey, I know that smile." He shook his head with a slight chuckle as he looked back down at his phone. "Yeah, mama. She's coming." Clicking the text box, he began to type.
You don't have to bring a thing. Just you and Noah.
His children already knew that he had invited the two of them. If they suspected anything about his feelings for her, they didn't mention it and he didn't offer an explanation. He couldn't. Not yet. He was just relieved that they were accepting of her and whatever this was. In fact, they had shown up early to prepare everything. Looking around at his mother, children, and grandchildren all in one room, safe and healthy, made the stress of the last month seem like a distant memory.
The knock on the door made his heart jump. He was bouncing, anxious, excited about the chance to spend time with her, Noah, and his family. As his children watched, he took a deep breath and opened the door.
She was standing behind Noah, her hands resting on his shoulders. "Hi," he said softly.
"Hi," she responded. Noah looked up at him with those big blue eyes he had only seen through a phone screen. "Hi, Noah," he said as he smiled at the boy and extended his hand. "It's nice to finally meet you. Your eyes are even more blue in person."
"So are yours," the boy said, shaking his hand.
"Come in," Elliot said as he stepped back and gestured inside.
He noticed she kept her hands on Noah's shoulders, and it occurred to him that this might be overwhelming for the two of them. Kathleen was the one to step forward and welcome them, and Lizzie offered to take their coats. When Eli asked Noah if he would like to come play, he looked at his mom for permission. She kissed him on top of his head and gave him a gentle push toward the living room. Life inside his apartment returned to normal as he stood next to her, his hand finding the small of her back.
"I'm really glad you decided to come," he said as he turned to face her.
"Me too," she replied. Her gaze was on her son, playing happily with Eli, Maureen's husband, and their two sons.
"You're a grandpa, Elliot," she said quietly. Her eyes finally met his and they both smiled shyly.
"I am."
She turned back to where the boys were laughing and playing together, and he could feel her sway a little before she added, "We missed out on so much of each other's lives."
He brought his arm farther around her waist and pulled her gently toward him, hoping she wouldn't pull away. To his surprise, she leaned into his side, letting him hold her. "I know," he said sadly. She was relaxed and warm here in his arms, and it felt oddly familiar despite being anything but.
Soon the Stabler women were stealing Olivia away to the kitchen, so he joined the guys in the living room. Noah had quickly made friends with Kieren and Seamus, and it made Elliot happy to know that his family was willing to welcome the two of them with open arms. Occasionally, he would look up and catch her watching them with a smile, and he wondered what she was thinking.
Dinner was truly incredible, with far more food than they could eat in one sitting. He knew his mother and Maureen orchestrated that in order to ensure he and Eli had leftovers. Conversation flowed freely as they all shared stories, laughing and joking with one another.
Beside him, Olivia set her hand on his knee under the table and gave it an innocent squeeze as she leaned toward him, speaking softly. "Thank you again for inviting us. It's nice to see Noah so happy and included."
He wrapped his arm around the back of her chair, bringing his hand to rest on her shoulder. "Thank you for coming. And for bringing Noah." He moved his hand slightly toward her neck, his thumb caressing the soft skin there. "I like having you both here," he whispered as the goosebumps appeared under his touch.
After dinner, they all gathered in the living room and the kids were allowed to open one present each. When Elliot handed Noah a gift, Olivia shot him a questioning look. He just smirked as Noah opened his present excitedly. Inside there was a small duffle bag with Noah embroidered on it. "For dance class," Elliot said simply. There were bandaids, a water bottle, some deodorant, and a bunch of other little things Elliot thought he might need for class inside.
Noah jumped up, wrapping his arms around his neck. "Thank you, Elliot!" her son exclaimed.
"You're welcome, bud. Merry Christmas." His eyes followed the boy as he ran to his mom. She looked at the gift, then back at him with tears in her eyes.
"Thank you," she mouthed silently as everyone else took turns opening their gifts. He just smiled, content to see the two of them so happy.
When it was time for the evening to end, he walked them to the door. "We had a wonderful time, Elliot. Tell everyone thank you for us," she said as she helped Noah with his coat.
"Everyone enjoyed having you both here. Hopefully, we can do it again."
She put her hand on his arm, looking at him with the same expression from earlier. "I'd like that," she said. Then she and her son were walking away and he was struck with the realization that he already missed her.
As he walked back to the living room and sat down on the couch, Kathleen moved to sit beside him. "Just so you know, Dad, we are all ok with this." He didn't look at her… just wrapped his arm around her and held her close. "Liv deserves to be happy all 365 days, and so do you."
The next week went by quickly. Work had been relatively calm and he had been taking advantage of every opportunity to enjoy all of the things he had missed about New York in December. Of course, the thing he had missed the most was her, and he woke up Christmas Eve morning anxious to call her. With Kathleen's words ringing in his ears, he poured a cup of coffee, went to the living room, and pulled out his phone.
"G'morning." She sounded sleepy, and he immediately regretted calling so early.
"Did I wake you? I'm sorry, Liv. I just wanted to hear your voice."
"No, I was awake… just still in bed."
The thought of her in bed was something he had to actively push aside. He took a breath, then began again. "I hope you had fun the other night. I enjoyed having you and Noah here."
"We enjoyed being there. Noah hasn't stopped asking when he can play with Eli again." She paused. "I told him we would have to see."
He knew she was still hesitant, and he understood, but more than anything he just wanted her to trust him again.
"Actually, Kathleen, Eli, and I are going to go ice skating later. Would you and Noah like to join us?"
He heard her yawn and stretch, sheets rustling as she moved. "Are you sure?"
"I'm sure." He paused for a minute, knowing that she was thinking it over. "It's Christmas Eve. This is our day, Liv. Please come skating with us."
Maybe it was wishful thinking, but he would swear he could hear the smile on her face. "What time should we be ready?"
The smile spread across his own face, and he wondered if she could hear it as well. "Six o'clock."
"That sounds perfect." They were both quiet for a few seconds before she spoke again. "El...I don't know what this is, but it's nice… spending time with you. I missed you."
"I missed you, too. See you tonight?"
"You will."
As he ended the call and looked around the quiet living room, he felt a peace he hadn't felt in months. Whatever this was or would become, she was allowing him into her life, and there was no place else he'd rather be.
~oOo~
Christmas 2022
The morning sunshine flooded through the window, casting its golden light on her dark brown hair, and he was sure she had never looked more beautiful. Of course, he thought that every morning, but this was the first Christmas Eve he had woken up by her side.
Later, they would be picking out a tree with the boys. Right now though, he was enjoying the peace and quiet here with her. Wrapping his arms tightly around her, he pulled her close, breathing her in. Her chest rose and fell as she let out a contented sigh and he smiled. Last year he had been nervous to ask her to join his family for Christmas dinner, and now the bare expanse of her back was pressed against him and nothing had ever felt so right.
Slowly, he released her and quietly headed to the kitchen. He wanted this to be a Christmas Eve they would all remember, with new traditions just for them. He knew his son's favorite breakfast food was pancakes, so he began searching for the ingredients needed to mix up the batter. He was stirring everything together when he felt her arms wrap around him, her hands resting on his chest as she pressed a kiss to his shoulder blades.
"Good morning," she said sleepily, her body flush against his.
"Better now that you're up," he replied. He felt her step back, coming to stand next to him.
"Pancakes. Eli's favorite," she said sweetly as she placed another kiss on his arm. "He will be excited."
"I hope so. I was thinking this could be a new thing we do every Christmas Eve. You know… new traditions." He didn't have to spell it out. He knew she understood.
"I think that's a great idea, El." She moved to the refrigerator, grabbed the orange juice and four glasses, and then got the maple syrup from the cabinet. By the time Elliot flipped the last pancake onto the plate, the boys were emerging from their room.
"Do I smell pancakes?" Eli asked, eyes full of sleep but a voice full of joy.
Elliot smiled as he set the plate down on the table and the boys began to serve themselves. He grabbed pancakes for himself and Liv while she poured the orange juice for the four of them. He winked at her as he stole a sip of hers, an unspoken reminder of just how much they had been through together to get here.
After breakfast, they all got dressed and headed out on their mission to find a tree. The farm wasn't as crowded as they had anticipated, which he was thankful for. He much preferred the quiet moments he got to spend with her and their sons.
As they walked among the trees, Eli and Noah ran ahead, gathering up snowballs and throwing them at one another. Olivia walked with Elliot, arm in arm, sharing his warmth. He couldn't help but remember the dream he had had years ago of the two of them choosing a tree together. Then it had been hypothetical, but now… now she was here, sharing his space and his bed and his life, and it was so much better than any dream could ever be.
It didn't take them long to find the perfect tree. He made sure she and the boys were a safe distance away and knelt next to the trunk. As he began sawing, he noticed Eli standing alone a little way off from Liv and Noah. His son had struggled with the loss of his mom more than his older children, but the last few months had been really good. He was about to go check on him when he saw Olivia walking toward him. He watched as she gently put her hand on his back, talking quietly to him. Part of him wondered what they were saying to each other, but another part of him was glad that his son trusted her enough to share his feelings with her. He watched them speak for a little longer, and then Eli turned and wrapped his arms around her. She was slowly soothing his son's hurting heart, holding him tightly as she smoothed her hand over his long hair. It was as if every time he thought he couldn't love her more, she proved him wrong.
As they walked toward the car a little while later, the boys saw a sign for free hot chocolate and cookies in a large renovated barn that served as the heart of the tree farm. Inside was a shop and bakery, and apparently the promise of various types of free sugar.
"You take the boys. I'll join you as soon as I get the tree tied to the car," he said.
"Are you sure you don't need help?" she asked, giving Noah a mom look that told him he needed to be patient.
"No, you go ahead. I'll be in soon. Promise."
He watched her take Noah's hand and wrap her arm around Eli's shoulders, and he wondered what he had ever done or could possibly do to deserve her. Carrying the tree the rest of the way to the car, he took his time securing it to the top. Then he walked back toward the barn.
He stopped just outside the door and caught sight of the three of them laughing at a table in the corner. He stood watching them through the window for a few minutes, enjoying the view in front of him. Then he pulled out his cellphone. He listened to it ring… watched her pull her phone from her pocket and look at it with confusion.
"Hey, El...do you need help with the tree?"
"No, the tree is taken care of. I was just watching you and realized I didn't want to end the eleven-year streak of phone calls on Christmas Eve. Thought maybe it could be another tradition… just for us."
He walked around the side of the barn to a window closer to where the three of them were sitting. She was grinning, looking at the boys while she talked to him.
"I think I'd like that, Stabler."
Stabler. He knew she was feeling playful when she used his last name, and he couldn't deny that he loved it. "So, tell me about your year? Any big news?"
"There is actually. I'm seeing someone. It's pretty serious." The smile on her face made his breath catch in his chest.
"Oh yeah? Lucky bastard. Tell me about him." He could feel the grin spreading across his own face as he watched her twirl her hair, the wheels in her mind turning.
"Well, he's a cop. Strong. Handsome. Intelligent. Brave. You'd hate him." She laughed as she continued to look around for him.
"Damn right I would. No one is good enough for you." Including me, he thought to himself.
"He is," she whispered it, but somehow it was louder than anything else either of them had said so far.
Suddenly, he felt very serious. Maybe it was all of the Christmases they had missed together over the last decade. Maybe it was the events of the last two years… the realization that life is short. He began walking toward the front door as he spoke. "I love you. I don't know if I said that to you yet today, but I love you."
"I love you too, El." She turned then as he walked through the door and straight toward her.
As he hung up the phone, he leaned forward and kissed her forehead before whispering in her ear, "Merry Christmas, Olivia."
She smiled brightly, smoothing her hand over his jaw. "Merry Christmas, Elliot."
At home, the four of them set the tree up in front of the window in the living room, stringing lights and garland and far too many ornaments. The boys were determined not to leave a branch unadorned. He didn't mind though, and neither did she. Eventually, the task of decorating the tree was finished and they all prepared to meet the rest of the family for Midnight Mass. It was the first Christmas Eve that she and Noah had joined them, and it meant the world to him that his children had asked her to come.
After the service the boys immediately went to bed, leaving Elliot and Olivia to spend some time alone together. They sat next to each other on the couch, sharing a glass of wine and watching the lights dance around the tree. Her eyes twinkled with their reflection, and he slowly reached for the back of her head, turning her face to his. "Thank you," he said simply as he brought his lips to hers. She tasted like wine and chocolate and he lost himself in the taste of her kiss.
"For what?" she asked, finally breaking the kiss and pulling back slightly to look him in the eyes. "For being here for me, for Eli… I meant what I said earlier, Liv. No one is good enough for you, including me."
She brought her hand to his cheek and he closed his eyes, leaning into her soft touch. "You're wrong," she whispered.
Eyes still closed, he took a deep breath. The warmth of her touch felt like home, and he couldn't imagine the rest of his life without it. Slowly he opened his eyes and pulled a small box from his pocket.
"El…" she whispered, staring at him with those impossibly dark eyes.
He stood before dropping to his knee in front of her. "Liv, I don't want to spend another Christmas Eve without you." He took the ring from the box and slid it onto her finger, then brought his hand to her face and wiped the tears from her eyes. "Please say yes…"
Tears still falling, she brought her hand up to hold his forearm as if she wanted to make sure this was real.
"Yes," she breathed as she pulled him close, kissing him softly.
"Partners for life?" he asked as he nuzzled his face into her neck.
"Partners for life," she answered.
~oOo~
Christmas 2023
The church was ready. After the rehearsal dinner that night, everyone had stayed and chipped in to get things in place for their wedding tomorrow. Lizzie's event planning expertise had been a Godsend, and she was more than happy to help plan and organize their day.
Olivia had decided to forego tradition and stay in their home the night before the wedding. Though he would have respected whatever decision she made, he couldn't deny he was happy she was here... especially since the boys were staying with Maureen and Carl for the night.
She emerged from the bathroom in one of his old t-shirts, hair up in a messy bun. He was already in bed and she climbed in next to him, resting her head on his chest. Her fingers raked lazily through the hair across his chest and she sighed deeply.
"What are you thinking?" he asked as he ran his own fingers through her long brown waves.
"I was just thinking that this time tomorrow night, I'll be your wife."
His wife. Mrs. Olivia Benson-Stabler. God, he loved the sound of that.
"Nervous?" he asked as a yawn escaped him.
"Maybe a little nervous about the wedding. Not nervous at all about the marriage," she said, peppering kisses lightly along his jawline.
"Liv?" he asked sleepily. "Did you ever think we'd end up here?"
She sat up, leaning on her arm and looking down at him. "Honestly? No. I didn't dare dream…" She stopped, not sure of how to say what she felt in her heart. "If I could change the circumstances that brought us together, I would in a heartbeat. But in my dreams? It was always you, El."
He pulled her close, his lips finding hers with ease.
She kissed him back slowly, and he could feel her smile against his lips. "I thought you were tired?" she teased as she ran her hand down his torso, stopping to trace her fingers lightly over his abs.
"I'll never be too tired for this," he said huskily, staring up at her for a moment before rolling them both over. "I'm so glad you stayed tonight…" he said as he kissed her neck, careful not to leave any marks.
"Show me," she replied.
~oOo~
She rarely woke up before him, but today when he opened his eyes she was quietly watching him. One hand under her pillow and the other resting next to him, legs tangled as they lay facing one another. "Good morning," he croaked sleepily and she smiled.
"Good morning," she answered.
"Did you sleep well?" he asked, wondering how long she had been awake.
"Mmmhmm, I did. Thanks to you," she smirked, reaching across the space to trail the back of her index finger across his chest gently. He was staring at her, lost in thought when her voice broke through the fog. "El? I asked what you were thinking about."
He rolled toward her, careful not to put his full weight on her as his body hovered above hers. Looking down into her eyes, he saw a future with her that was beyond anything he had ever imagined. "I was thinking that it's Christmas Eve, it's our wedding day. I can't wait to be your husband, Olivia Benson," he said simply, allowing himself one more kiss before crawling out of bed.
She followed, and they each got dressed and ready. He threw on a pair of well-worn jeans and an old Jets sweatshirt. She chose black jeggings and one of his old flannel button-ups so she wouldn't mess up her hair.
"See you at the end of the aisle?" he said playfully as they parted ways.
"You will." She smiled.
He had intended to head straight to the church where Noah, Eli, Dickie, Carl, and the boys were supposed to meet him to get ready. On the way there, though, he decided to take a short detour. It was a couple of miles out of his way, but it felt important.
As he walked through the rows of stones toward the place where she rested, he took a breath and crossed himself. Then he knelt in front of her grave, snow on the ground and tears in his eyes.
"Hey Kath," he said quietly. "Merry Christmas." He was silent for a while, just letting himself feel the pain, the grief, and the guilt. "I hope you know how much you are missed." Another pause, another breath. "I loved you. I'm sorry for the times I made you doubt it. I should have told you about the phone calls… I just didn't know how. I never wanted to hurt you." A tear rolled down his face and he swallowed hard. "You were the first woman I ever loved. A part of my heart will always be yours, Kathy." He wiped the tears from his eyes and stood, laying his hand on the cold stone.
Fifteen minutes later he walked into the basement of the church, where Carl was fighting with the boys over their vests, Dickie was trying to help Eli with his tie, and Noah was tying his shoes.
"Hey! About time you got here!" Eli exclaimed.
"Sorry, had to make a stop first."
He walked over to where the guys had hung his tux and began putting it on piece by piece. When he got to his tie, he noticed Noah watching him carefully. "Hey bud, ready for the big day?" he asked as he sat down next to her son.
"Yeah...I just can't figure this thing out," he said, holding the tie in his hands.
"Here, let me help."
He stood behind the boy and placed the tie around his neck. He explained each step as he wound the tie around itself before tightening it gently. When it was knotted and straightened, Noah stood and wrapped his arms around him. "Thank you, Elliot. For everything."
He looked around at his sons and grandsons, and he imagined her getting ready with his daughters. If he was right, she was probably feeling nervous about being the center of attention. He smiled to himself as he pulled out his phone and dialed her number. She answered on the first ring.
"El." He could hear the relief in her voice.
"Thought now might be a good time for our phone call. You ok? Not getting cold feet on me, are you?"
She laughed. "Never. Just feeling a little overwhelmed."
"Close your eyes."
"What?" she asked.
"Just close your eyes. For me," he said softly. He heard her let out a breath. "Now, think of a happy memory. Picture it in your mind… where you were, how you felt." He gave her a second. "What are you thinking about? Describe it for me."
She hummed softly. "It was your first Christmas Eve back in New York… the night you invited Noah and I to go skating."
He smiled. "Tell me about it."
"I woke up early that morning, wondering if you would call that day. I don't know why… I just had a feeling."
"You always could read me, Benson."
She laughed, then continued. "The closer it got to time to meet, the more nervous I felt."
"You never told me that. Why were you nervous?"
"It was new… letting myself admit that I had feelings for you. El, do you know how hard I fought to push everything I felt for you out of my mind and my heart?"
He sighed. "I have an idea." He knew he didn't have to elaborate. She understood that he had spent years doing the same. "Tell me what happened next."
"We met you there. The snow was falling gently, and you looked so cute in your beanie."
"Cute? Cute was not the look I was going for."
She sighed at that, which made him chuckle. "You know you're sexy as hell, alright, Stabler?" She paused, sounding more serious when she began again. "You were wearing a blue buffalo plaid flannel shirt with a black henley underneath. I remember because as much as I loved the new suits, it was nice to see you casual and relaxed. I remember the way you smiled… the smell of your cologne." She let out a heavy breath. "I remember the kids skating at the far end of the rink when you came up behind me and wrapped your arms around my waist."
"Then what happened?" He whispered as if he didn't know the answer.
"The best first kiss of my life."
He closed his own eyes, remembering that kiss. "For the record, I was nervous as hell… but I knew I never wanted to kiss another woman as long as I lived." He opened his eyes and saw Dickie standing in front of him, tapping his watch. "Liv, they need us up front so I've gotta go. I'll see you in a few minutes. I love you."
"Love you, too. See you soon."
He stood at the altar, waiting with bated breath to catch his first glimpse of her in the dress. While she hadn't felt strongly about some traditions, not showing him the dress before the wedding was one she had set her heart on. He had tried to imagine what sort of dress she might choose, how she would have her hair, what he would feel when he saw her walking toward him, but he knew nothing he envisioned would ever compare to the reality of her.
When the door opened at the back of the church, he held his breath. She stepped forward, arm in arm with Noah, looking absolutely stunning. Chocolate eyes met the ice blue of his own, and everyone else around them faded away. He tried to keep the tears at bay, but there had been so many years of buildup to this moment that he was struggling to keep his composure, and he could see she was as well.
"You look so beautiful," he whispered as she stopped by his side, unable to keep his voice from shaking.
Hers trembled as well when she responded. "Thank you."
The ceremony was short. He didn't want a traditional Catholic ceremony. All he wanted was her. Because it was Christmas Eve, they chose not to have a reception. They wanted their family and friends to be able to get home and enjoy the holiday with their own families. And if they were honest, they also wanted to be alone.
She held his hand in the car on their way home. He noticed that he couldn't stop glancing down to where their fingers were intertwined, and he realized that even this simple gesture was something he would never be able to take for granted. Her touch was sacred.
Unlocking the door, she began to step inside when he pulled her back, bending to lift her into his arms and carry her over the threshold. "Sorry," he smirked at her. "One tradition I wanted to keep. Welcome home, Mrs. Stabler."
~oOo~
Christmas 2024
Their first anniversary was approaching and Elliot had been trying to think of the perfect gift. He knew she would like whatever he chose, but he wanted it to be meaningful. Their journey to get here felt so much bigger than an expensive necklace and some chocolates.
It was actually Noah that gave him the idea for the perfect gift. Each night he and Olivia took turns checking in with the boys before bed. Usually, it was a quick goodnight and a reminder of what the schedule was for the next day. Some nights though, one of the boys would want to talk, and both he and Liv made sure never to pass up those opportunities.
"Hey, Elliot… can I ask you a question?" He could tell Noah was a little apprehensive, but it always warmed his heart when her son wanted to talk to him. "Always, buddy. What's up?" He sat down on the end of the bed and waited for Noah to collect his thoughts.
"Does it bother you that I call you by your name?" It seemed like an odd question, but the boy looked serious.
"Not at all, Noah."
There was a long pause before Noah started again. "Would it bother you if I called you Dad instead?"
The second question revealed the truth behind Noah's anxiety. Calmly, he answered. "Noah, I am fine with you calling me by my name. But I would also be fine with you calling me Dad. You know I love you, and I know you love me. That's all that matters." He thought that would ease the boy's mind, but he still looked upset about something. "Bud…is there something else? You know you can tell me anything. I'm right here." He sat still, watching as the boy seemed to wrestle with exactly what he wanted to say.
"El, you know I love my mom…"
"Of course I do."
"...and I'm proud to be a Benson. I don't ever want her to think I'm not…" With that, the tears started to form in the corners of his eyes, and Elliot moved to hug him. Wiping his tears away with the sleeve of his shirt, he continued. "But I love you, too. Everyone else in this family is a Stabler except me. I haven't told Mom this yet, but what I really want for Christmas is to be a Stabler, too."
Elliot looked down at the boy in his arms. It occurred to him that the little guy he had first met over a video call years ago was now on the verge of being a teenager. Suddenly he didn't look so little anymore. "Noah…there is nothing I would love more than to adopt you, but that's not a decision I can make on my own, buddy. I would have to talk to your mom, and so would you."
"I know. But I thought maybe we could talk to her together? Maybe on Christmas Eve? I know that day is special to Mom."
He smiled and leaned in to kiss the top of Noah's head. "You really are so much like your mother, kid. Yes, we can talk to her on Christmas Eve. Now I have a question for you."
"What is it?" Noah asked.
Elliot looked into blue eyes so similar to his own. "I've been trying to decide on the perfect present to give your mom for our anniversary. Would it bother you if we share your gift? I'll make sure you get all the credit, but I think this is something I'd like to do for your mother… if it's ok with you."
"It's ok with me," he said, laying down in his bed as Elliot stood to leave, flicking off the lights as he opened the door. In the darkness of the room, he heard a voice call his name. "El? I love you."
"Love you, too."
She had already checked in with Eli and was in bed when he walked into their room and laid down beside her. "You were in there a while. Everything ok?" she asked as she lightly caressed his arm.
"Yeah, he's good. He just wanted to talk about a Christmas present he's been thinking about."
Looking at him with an expression of feigned exasperation, she asked, "How much is it going to cost us?"
He laughed, pulling her closer to him. "I'm not sure yet, but he's serious about it."
"What is it?" she asked, curious now.
He smiled as he began to mimic her movements, drawing his long fingers up and down her arms. "Can't tell you. It's a secret. Need to know only."
With that she laughed, moving her hand lower until it rested just below his waistband. "I think I can get you to talk," she cooed in his ear as she teased him.
Closing his eyes and focusing on the feeling of her hand, he sighed contentedly. "Go ahead and try, Captain. I dare ya."
He spent the next few days getting things in order. First, he had to get copies of Noah's birth certificate and their marriage license. Next, he called Carisi, who gave him the name of a good family lawyer. She gave him copies of the forms that would need to be filed and told him to contact her when they were ready for the next step. Finally, he had to talk to his children about it. He started by calling Maureen and worked his way down until the only person left to tell was Eli.
Olivia had taken Noah to dance class, leaving Elliot and Eli to fend for themselves for a few hours. They decided pizza and a movie sounded good, so Elliot made the call and Eli chose Die Hard.
"Noah's too young and Liv says it's not a Christmas movie," Eli said with a smirk.
"Good call," Elliot replied, sitting down next to his son on the couch.
They enjoyed the movie together, discussing their long-held opinions that Hans Gruber was one of the greatest villains of all time, and that there was no question the movie fell into the "Christmas movie" category regardless of what Olivia said.
As the credits rolled and they finished off the pizza, Eli looked over at him. "This was nice, Dad."
He smiled at the young man in front of him. "Yeah, it was. I miss spending time with you." He paused, then breached the subject he'd been putting off. "Hey bud, can I ask you a question?"
Eli studied his face for a second before replying. "Sure… I mean, I guess."
"Noah only asked for one thing for Christmas, but it's kind of a big thing…"
Eli scrunched up his brow. "Are you afraid I'll be jealous if you spend more money on him?"
He shook his head. "No, it's nothing like that. Noah wants me to adopt him, and I felt like it was important to get your blessing before anything happened." He watched his son's face soften. "Your brother and sisters know and they are ok with it. But I need you to be ok with it, too."
Suddenly, a wide smile spread across Eli's face and he let out a laugh. "Of course, it's ok, Dad. Noah is part of our family now. Same as Liv."
That sentence played over and over in his head that night as he tried to sleep.
Noah is part of our family now. Same as Liv.
He had considered what it meant to him to become Noah's dad. He hadn't considered what it meant to her to become a stepmother to five children. They had welcomed her into their lives with open arms, and he knew she loved his kids, but the two of them had never really discussed how she felt about stepping into those shoes. Rolling over slowly, he grabbed his phone and texted Kathleen.
Lunch date tomorrow? Sorry it's late notice. Need help with a gift.
Before he could set his phone down she had replied.
Lunch and shopping on Christmas Eve with my favorite guy? I'm in.
They met at their favorite deli the next day.
"Ok, so who did you forget to buy a present for?" she asked as she sat down across from him at the table.
"Ha. I didn't forget anyone. Noah and I have been working on a present for Liv, but I thought of a last-minute addition that I needed help picking out." As his daughter sat picking at her sandwich, he smiled and shook his head. Catching him, she gave him a questioning look. "Sometimes you just remind me so much of your mom," he said, looking down at the coffee cup in his hand.
Reaching out, she took his other hand in hers and smiled. "Best compliment ever," she said. "Now, what are you thinking about getting for Olivia?"
Taking another sip of his coffee, he tried to describe what he wanted. She nodded, writing down the information they would need before they began shopping. Within the hour they had finished their lunch and purchased the gift. As they said goodbye, he pulled her into a hug.
"She's going to love it, Dad," she whispered as she hugged him back.
On his way back home, he remembered that he needed to make his Christmas Eve call to her. Dialing her number, he waited for her to pick up.
"Hey, babe. Did you find the gift you were looking for?" She had no idea the gift was for her, only that he and Kathleen had met for some last-minute shopping.
"I did. I'm on my way home now. What are you and the boys up to?"
"The boys are eating popcorn and watching a movie. I'm currently drinking a glass of wine and waiting for my husband to get home." He loved the way the words "my husband" sounded on her lips.
"Really? Does he know you're expecting him? I would think that would entice any man to get there a little faster." He smiled, knowing she would play along. As usual, she didn't disappoint.
"It's our anniversary, so I'm sure he knows. After all, he has something waiting to be unwrapped at home."
He stifled a groan, thinking of her waiting for him. "If I get a ticket, Captain, I may need your help getting out of it."
"That's not the only thing I can help you get out of, Detective."
Smiling, he glanced at his watch. "I'll be there in ten minutes. Love you."
When he walked in the front door, the three of them were on the couch watching a movie. Noah was the first to jump up. "Can we exchange gifts now?!"
She turned toward Noah, and he knew she was about to tell him that they always opened gifts on Christmas morning, but he also knew that Noah had been waiting most of the month for this day.
Laying his hand on the small of her back, he answered before she had a chance to. "We can exchange one gift now… if it's ok with your mom." She wasn't sure what was going on, but she could see in his eyes that it was important.
Eli got a new pair of sneakers, which he immediately put on. Olivia gave Elliot a small gift to open, which turned out to be a new watch. When it was Noah's turn, Elliot handed him a gift the size of a shoebox. Then he winked at Noah, who handed the gift to his mom.
"Mom, there was one thing I really wanted for Christmas, but I needed Elliot's help with it. What I want is in this box… but I need you to open it."
Confused, she looked from her son to her husband, and then began unwrapping the box. Inside was a card. Opening it, she read the words written in her son's familiar penmanship.
Dear Mom,
I love you more than anyone else in the world, and I love being a Benson. But for Christmas, I'd really like to be a Benson-Stabler.
Love,
Noah
With tears in her eyes, she removed the papers from the box.
"Noah and I did the work, but we only want this if it's what you want."
Wiping the tears from her eyes, she stood and grabbed her son up in her arms, planting a big kiss on his cheek. "Sweetheart, if this is what you want, then this is what I want. We will file the paperwork first thing Monday morning." Setting him down, she walked over to her husband. Placing her hands on each side of his face, she kissed him with a sort of reverence. Noah and Eli quietly slipped out of the room as he deepened the kiss before they finally pulled away to look at each other. He brought his thumb to her cheek, wiping away the tears that continued to fall.
"You sure?" he asked quietly as he continued to trace his thumb across her cheek.
"Am I sure I want you to be the father of my child? El, I've wanted that for far longer than I ever had the right to." She brushed her lips over his earlobe and down his jaw before finding his lips once more. This kiss was softer, slower, but no less passionate. When he finally broke the kiss, he took a step back and stared down into her impossibly dark eyes.
"I have one more gift for you," he said.
She shook her head. "Elliot. This is enough. You didn't have to get me anything else."
But he brought a finger to her lips to silence her as he held out a small box. "Happy Anniversary, Olivia."
With trembling fingers, she carefully opened the box. Inside there was a necklace. The pendant was a horizontal bar inset with six birthstones. Looking up at him, he said, "One for each of your children." She held it for a moment, staring at each stone. Then he took it from her hand and stepped behind her, sweeping her long hair to one side as he clasped it around her neck. "They are so lucky to have you as a stepmom, Liv. And I'm so lucky that I get to call you my wife." He kissed the spot behind her ear that was particularly sensitive and she hummed her approval.
"I'm not sure how you're going to top this next year, Stabler," she said as she relaxed into his arms.
"Me neither, but I can't wait to try."
~oOo~
Christmas 2043
"They're here!" he heard a little voice yell on the other side of the door. He looked over at Olivia and smiled. "Ellie," they laughed in unison. Noah's daughter was four and always the life of the party.
Maureen opened the door, hurrying them inside and out of the cold. "Kieren will take your coats. Seamus, come grab these presents from Grandpa."
Their oldest daughter had taken over Christmas Eve dinner a few years ago, so every year now they all gathered at her house for their annual celebration.
"Grandpa!" yelled the little girl with curly brown hair and blue eyes barreling toward him. He scooped her up, receiving a look from his wife that he knew was a silent reminder that he wasn't as young as he used to be.
"She's been jumping up and down for ten minutes asking when you two were going to get here," Noah said as he walked over and embraced his mom. "Happy Anniversary, Mom," he said as he kissed her cheek. "Happy Anniversary, Dad," he added with a smile.
"Grandma, what's an anniversary?" Ellie asked, still holding tightly to his neck.
"It's the day Grandpa and I got married," she answered, meeting his gaze. All these years later, and he was still surprised at how one look from her could leave him breathless.
"Because you love each other?" the little girl asked him as she brought her tiny hand to his cheek.
"Very much, sweetheart. We love each other very much," he said softly. He kissed her soft curls before setting her down and she ran off to play with her cousins.
Looking around the room at their children and their spouses, their grandchildren… he was humbled by this life he was blessed to be living. It hadn't always been easy… not by any stretch of the imagination. But he was surrounded by his family on his favorite day of the year, with her by his side.
"It's hard to believe isn't it?" she asked, wrapping her arm around his.
He nodded. "Eli is about the same age I was when we met," he responded. "Where did the time go, Liv?"
She sighed, leaning her head against his arm. "I don't know. But I'm thankful for every second."
Soon the girls were whisking Olivia into the kitchen, as usual, so he joined the men in the living room. His older grandchildren were spread out around the room, phones out, discussing work, classes… life. The younger ones had taken up most of the center of the room with various toys. There was a football game on, and he joined in a debate with Dickie, Eli, and Carl about who would win. Occasionally though he would glance up and catch her eye, and it was like being transported back in time to the first Christmas they spent together after he moved back to New York.
The meal was wonderful as usual, and afterward they all gathered in the living room to exchange presents. He and Olivia had finally convinced their children to stop buying them gifts, so instead each child and their family bought a gift certificate to some of their favorite places. They enjoyed opening the cards and seeing which restaurants, theaters, and museums their kids had chosen for the coming year. In no time every present had been unwrapped and the living room was covered in new clothes, new toys, and crumpled wrapping paper.
After dinner and presents, they settled in to watch a movie. Each year a different grandchild was allowed to choose what they watched. This year Kathleen's son, Ben, got to choose. They were spread out around the living room on every chair, couch, blanket, and pillow available. Ben was curled up next to Olivia, with Kathleen on the other side rubbing his back lazily. Ellie had climbed into his lap and was already half asleep against his chest. Smiling to himself, he picked up his phone and dialed her number.
She gave him a funny look when she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. Careful not to disturb her grandson, she managed to remove it from her pocket and answer quietly.
"Really?" She smiled at him and shook her head.
"It's tradition."
It really was as simple as that. Some years they had long conversations. Others it was a quick hello and goodbye. He hadn't missed a Christmas Eve call in thirty-two years, and he had no plans to start now.
"Benson looks comfy huddled between you and Kathleen. I may need to remind him later that you're mine."
He watched as she smiled and looked down at her grandson. Then her eyes met his again. "Ellie seems pretty content as well. She loves you so much… almost as much as I do". She smiled at him. "Thank you."
"For what?"
"For this." She looked around, and he understood. This family, the grandson resting against her, the little girl safe in his arms… This was never a given for them.
"You never have to thank me for this. I love you, Liv. Merry Christmas… and Happy Anniversary."
"Merry Christmas, El. Happy Anniversary, sweetheart."
As he lay in bed that night after Mass, he couldn't help but reflect on the last three decades. The woman he thought he might never see again at one point was sleeping peacefully in his arms. Her head on his chest, silver hair cascading over her face. It was short again, the way it had been when they met, and he couldn't help but reach out and tuck it behind her ear. Her left hand rested on him, and his eyes traced the ring he had placed there years ago.
He could feel the years in his bones… knew that she could as well. But he could also feel the passage of time with every beat of his heart, the rhythm always leading him back to her. This day and their family were proof of a love that couldn't be erased by time or distance.
Years ago he had told her he was her partner, for better or worse. They had been through their share of worse, but here with her… this was the better.
And each Christmas Eve with her was better than the last.
