Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince: the Musical

Set to various tunes, which will be noted at the top of each chapter.

Author's Note: I do not own any of the central characters, or indeed the story, they all belong to J. K. Rowling. Neither do I own the songs to which this fic is parodied.

The Conference

In a desperate attempt to warn wizards of the dangers of Voldemort's return, the Ministry of Magic held a press conference, and despite initial reservations, Harry decided to take this opportunity to send a warning out to the public.

The lights dimmed at the back of the jam-packed room as silence fell, the reporters all holding their quills poised over pieces of rustling parchment. New Minister for Magic, Rufus Scrimgeour, stepped up to the stage. He gave a feeble cough to clear his throat as a spotlight fell on his bristling mane of hair, and the band striked up the introduction to Staying Alive by the Bee Gees…

(Scrimgeour)

Well, there's a kind-of-new threat in the wizard domain,

It's Voldemort - he's back again.

We need that hero that the Prophecy said

Would fill old You-Know-You with dread.

But there's curses here, curses there -

People possessed everywhere.

Only one thing we can do -

Call up Potter and his crew.

(Ministry wizards)

Pray you don't die and hold your wand high

You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.

Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin'

But we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.

Ah, ha, ha, ha stayin' alive, stayin' alive

Ah, ha, ha, ha stayin' alive.

(Harry)

Well now, I have been through hell and scorn

I've been kicked around since I was born,

But before "the chosen one" was my name

It was staying alive that brought me my fame.

Well, you may have doubted him before,

But I'm still loyal to Dumbledore,

With his help, we can win

We'll beat Voldemort again!

(all)

Pray you don't die and hold your wand high

You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.

Abracadabra won't beat Avada Kedavra

But we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.

Ah, ha, ha, ha stayin' alive, stayin' alive

Ah, ha, ha, ha stayin' alive.

(Scrimgeour)

We're getting nowhere, Voldy's still out there

Somebody help us, yeah.

(Ministry wizards)

You could meet a disguised Death Eater

Got to get out of here!

(Scrimgeour)

Well, when you get home, and you see that mark

You're a dead man: and it all goes dark.

Potter, get your act together, lad,

'Cause you're the only chance we have.

(Ministry wizards)

It's not alright, it's not ok,

We can't look the other way.

You will fight, you can win

You'll beat Voldemort again!

(all)

Pray you don't die and hold your wand high

You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.

Abracadabra won't beat Avada Kedavra

But we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.

Ah, ha, ha, ha stayin' alive, stayin' alive

Ah, ha, ha, ha stayin' alive.

We're getting nowhere, Voldy's still out there

Somebody help us, yeah.

We'll hold our wands high, pray we don't die.

Trying to stay alive…

As the song faded into conclusion, the reporters finished their scribbling and raisesd their heads, each displaying an expression of puzzlement and fear. They flicked up the collars of their trench robes and tipped their hats at the doorman, whispering as one, "Voldemort is truly back, the light of the future has turned black…"