Thank you very much to all those who reviewed.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the central characters, or indeed the story, they all belong to J. K. Rowling. Neither do I own the songs to which this fic is parodied

Author's Note: The first song parodied in this fic (Pop Muzik by M) is ridiculously long, so I have only used half of it. The second song parodied in this fic is Creep by Radiohead, though to make it even funnier, sing the lyrics along to the G4 version (this would mean singing the last verse over the penultimate chorus).

The Train Ride

The next few days were rather uneventful for Harry Potter and his friends, until, that is, they decided to take a trip into Diagon Alley. Harry was thrilled to visit the joke shop of Ron's elder twin brothers, Fred and George, which was full to the brim with delightful and fascinating treats. However, their afternoon was somewhat marred when Harry spotted Draco Malfoy, one of his least favourite people at Hogwarts, walking up the high street on his own.

Curious, Harry, Hermione and Ron decide to follow him to Borgin and Burkes, where Draco was heard to request something to be repaired. Unfortunately, the terrific trio were unable to uncover any further details, and they returned home to pack for Hogwarts with permanent frowns.

The parting at the train station was a tearful one for all, as Harry, Hermione, Ron and Ginny were unwilling to leave the Burrow in this turbulent time. For Harry, however, a surprise awaited once he had settled into a compartment with friends Neville and Luna. An invitation arrived for lunch for Harry and Neville from Professor Slughorn, a rather round old fellow that Harry met on his night out with Dumbledore, and who Harry presumed was going to be his new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher.

Hesitant but curious, Harry and Neville headed out around lunch time to find Professor Slughorn. As they approached the door to the compartment, however, they heard those typically 80's drum beats and jazzy baseline starting up…

(Slughorn)

Come on in, Harry

We'll have a little party

Let me introduce you

To some friends of mine.

Have a look around then have a sit down

There's plenty of gourmet food to go round.

Talk about - nobility

Talk about - society

Talk about - reputation

Talk about - estimation

Top top top culture

Top top top culture

(the Slug Club)

Shoo-be-doo-be-doo-wop

(Slughorn)

Really good to see you

(the Slug Club)

Bop-bop-shoo-wop

(Slughorn)

Let me introduce you:

(the Slug Club)

Shoo-be-doo-be-doo-wop

(Slughorn)

Blaise Zabini

(the Slug Club)

Bop-bop-shoo-wop

(Slughorn)

And Marcus Belby

Cormac, Neville, Harry, Ginny

Everybody talk about - nobility!

Talk about - notoriety

Talk about - society

(the Slug Club)

Top top top culture

Top top top culture

(Slughorn)

Sitting in the subway -

Never in my day!

You want to aim high,

And you'll hit the headlines.

You want to be a big top

Won't be a top flop

Eeny, meeny, miny, mo

This is where you want to go.

Talk about - society

Talk about - notoriety

(the Slug Club)

Shoo-be-doo-be-doo-wop

(Slughorn)

Ooh, that's nice

(the Slug Club)

Bop-bop-shoo-wop

(Slughorn)

Pass another slice.

(the Slug Club)

Shoo-be-doo-be-doo-wop

(Slughorn)

Ooh, that's fine

(the Slug Club)

Bop-bop-shoo-wop

(Slughorn)

One more time -

Hit it!

Now, you know what I'm saying…

Talk about - reputation

Talk about - estimation

(the Slug Club)

Top top top culture

Top top top culture

(Slughorn)

Everyone here

(the Slug Club)

Top top top culture

(Slughorn)

Loud and clear

(the Slug Club)

Top top top culture

(Slughorn)

You are the best!

(the Slug Club)

Top top top culture

(Slughorn)

Better than the rest!

Fa la, la la la la la la la…

Fa la, la la la la la…

And as Slughorn began to show signs of his alcohol limit approaching rapidly, and the tip of a saxophone poked threateningly out of one of the professor's trunks, Harry and Neville edged out of the compartment. Outside, the sky had grown dark, and so the two bemused friends made their way back to their compartment to change into their robes, both slightly fearful of the year to come.

However, on their way back through the corridor, they passed the place where Draco Malfoy and his friends were laughing and jeering. Remembering what he had seen in Diagon Alley, Harry lingered behind, waiting for his chance to spy on Malfoy. He pulled out his invisibility cloak and, upon seeing Blaise Zabini coming down the corridor towards him, ducked in behind him as he entered Malfoy's compartment.

In a swift and almost faultless movement, Harry climbed up into the luggage rack above Malfoy and his friends, giving him a perfect position for listening to their conversation. From there, he heard Malfoy boast about being given an important job to do, and make subtle references to Voldemort. Intrigued, and unable to do otherwise, Harry stayed where he was until the train pulled to a halt.

Crabbe, Goyle, Zabini and Pansy Parkinson leave the compartment, while Malfoy paused to tie a shoelace. But instead of reaching down, he reached up…

"No -"

"Pertrificous totalus!"

"I saw you, Potter! Trying to climb onto the luggage rack - I saw your shoe!"

Harry could not say a word. He was lying on the floor of Malfoy's compartment, staring straight up at the smirking boy, unable to move a muscle. And just when he thought it couldn't get any worse, there came to his ears the rolling drums of an introduction…

(Malfoy)

When I saw you here before,

Couldn't hold in all my joy,

You're just such a loser,

You pathetic little boy.

You think you're really something,

You and all your stupid friends

You're hardly a hero,

You're just a zero.

'Cause you're a creep

You're a weirdo

What the Hell are you doing here?

You don't belong here!

And with that, Malfoy brought his boot down hard onto Harry's face. There was a cracking sound, and Harry felt something hot trickle over his cheek. Malfoy laughed, and, even worse, carried on…

I don't care if that hurts.

Now I'm in control.

I've got the perfect blood-line

I've got the perfect soul.

I want you to notice,

You and all your stupid friends,

You'll never be better

You just get wetter!

Because you stink,

You're just a half-blood

What the Hell are you doing here?

You don't belong here!

Malfoy gave out one last cackle, then threw Harry's invisibility cloak over him. "See you next year, Potter!" he snarled, then dashed out of the compartment, slamming the door.

The lights on the train grew dim, as darkness engulfed his prison. In desperation, Harry began to sing inside his head…

(Harry)

He's running out the door,

He's running

He's run, run, run, run

I wish someone would find me.

I don't want to be alone.

Malfoy, you're a tosser

A git and a tosser.

Woah, woah

'Cause you're the creep

You're the weirdo

I wish you weren't there

You and your stupid hair.

You don't belong there.

Harry wished he could close his eyes in a wistful manner, but was prevented from doing so by the curse placed upon him. Instead he stared upwards as though contemplating his fate.

Suddenly he heard a rattling sound advancing down the corridor, and a moment later, the door to the compartment was thrown open. Tonks, looking as miserable as ever, was standing in the doorway. She took three steps forward, bent down, then pulled off Harry's invisibility cloak.

"Harry, thank goodness, I thought you might be in here. Been up to your old tricks again, have you?"

Relieved to be released from the hex, Harry nodded, wiping the blood from his face with a shaking hand. If anything good has come out of this experience, he thought to himself as he and Tonks left the train, at least I know I'm a better singer than Malfoy.

You may have noticed that I have changed these chapters to the past tense rather than the present. This is just to make it easier to write. If I have forgotten to do this at any point I would greatly appreciate it if you would please let me know.