Chapter 37

Thursday, 4:30 pm

Their weekend at the cabin had been a memorable one. Olivia and Amanda enjoyed the children and each other to the fullest. The only regret being that they wished for more time. But Olivia could only escape for so long. She had a meeting with Dodds at the end of the week and they had to get back to their regular schedules and begin house hunting.

They had finally spoken to Katy and Clara earlier in the week and were currently meeting for their second play date at the park. It was a nice treat with the children getting along beautifully and they, themselves finding they had much in common with the other couple. Other than Lucy and Rita, who were fun but significantly younger, they didn't know any other lesbian couples. Olivia felt it was nice to not feel so alone.

The following day at the precinct Amanda could see Liv worrying her brow from across the room. She wanted to walk over there but Carisi was still sniffing around and she didn't have a valid reason. So she opted for the next best option…text.

Amanda, 'Hi.'

She could see Olivia smiling from across the room as she picked up her phone, quickly making eye contact through the window.

'Hi.'

'Don't be nervous about today.You're going to be fine.'

'I'm not nervous.Who says I'm nervous?'

'You're on your third pen cap that you mauled with her teeth.I can see the slain from here. Lol'

'Smart ass…'

… Olivia hesitated.

'What?' Amanda knew where this was going.

'What if he knows, Amanda?He'll send you away.'

'He doesn't and when he does find out, it'll be after maternity which buys us a shitload of time to figure this out.Remember what I said last night.'

Olivia let her mind momentarily drift to the previous evening. They were eating at the table after going over some potential apartments and townhomes. They had met with a realtor and where considering their options with their current homes. Olivia was stressing the meeting with Dodds and Amanda could read her like a book. She reached over and placed a hand on Olivia's, "You know…he probably wants to make you Captain."

Olivia huffed in disbelief.

"I'm serious. It's what I would do after the way you handled this case."

"It took forever to solve." Olivia objected.

"Liv, thanks to your foresight with Mancino, we were able to smoke out O'Donahue. With a target on your back no less." She leaned over and quietly whispered, "I have a good feeling about this."

"Let's hope you're right."

Olivia was brought back to the present when Fin walked into the office to hand her some papers, "You getting ready to go?"

She checked her watch, stood up and made her way out with her coat, "Wish me luck." She shouted over her shoulder to him. She made quick eye contact with Amanda before departing.

Two hours later Olivia felt a relief and pride she could not have predicted. Amanda was right. Dodds was making her Captain. She clinked glasses with him in a toast and thanked him. Guilt over her relationship began to wash over her even though she reconciled that her personal life was none of his business. Except in a way, the situation with work just became slightly more complicated with her promotion. It came with a nice bump in salary though which opened up the possibility for a bigger place. If someone would have told her six months ago that one of her first thoughts after being promoted to Captain was buying a bigger place for her now expanding family she would have laughed in their face. Still she felt uneasy about hiding the relationship from Dodds especially now that he told her he would be leaving. Here goes nothing, "I have to make you aware as Chief that I am in a relationship with Amanda Rollins."

"Oh?" Dodds was taken aback. "I had no idea that you or her were…" But he didn't complete his sentence. Suddenly feeling embarrassed about calling her a lesbian even though she was the one confessing a relationship.

"I hope I can count on your discretion." Olivia was so serious and appeared so worried it made him nervous. He couldn't help but chuckle.

"You and I have been doing this a long time. I trust you, Olivia. I trust that you can keep your professionalism and if ever you feel you cross a line at work then well…I'd trust that you would do the right thing. I, for one have no concerns. Congratulations?"

Now it was Olivia who was laughing, "I really wish you weren't going."

"Don't worry about the future. If anything happens I'll just explain you disclosed to me and I simply forgot to pass down the information."

"Thank you. Really. I am going to miss you. God only knows who I'll get stuck with."

"Better the devil you know." He recited as they clinked their glasses.

When they finished she decided to wait on calling Amanda and instead tell her in person.

Now that the coast was clear they were staying in Liv's apartment on account of it being larger.

She walked in, shoulder's slumped, threw the keys on the foyer table and gave a loud sigh.

Amanda wore panic in her eyes as she immediately came to her, "Oh no, what happened?"

"Well, it looks like I will no longer be your Lieutenant." She somberly replied.

Amanda was stunned, mouth agape and speechless.

"Because…" Olivia pulled her by the waist, "I am your new Captain."

"Liv!" Amanda tried to wiggle out of her hold and lightly slapped her arms for good measure. Olivia was laughing uncontrollably. "You freaked me out!"

"I know, I'm sorry I couldn't help it." She beamed.

Amanda couldn't keep up her anger after seeing how happy she was. She leaned in for a kiss, "Congratulations baby! I'm proud of you."

Liv pulled back slightly to get a better look at her, "I'm proud of you."

Amanda huffed in objection.

"No really, Amanda. I couldn't have done it without you. Or Fin for that matter, Carisi even. A unit is only as strong as it's detectives. And I am the luckiest to have all of you."

Amanda shyly looked down as she played with Liv's collar, "Yeah well, you deserve it. You've worked so hard for it. And…" Amanda spun away smiling and muttering under her breath, "You're an excellent leader."

"Wait, what was that Rollins?"

Amanda began teasing her as she walked backwards towards the bedroom removing her sweat pants, "You heard me, Captain Benson."

"Oh. Care to say that full sentence again?" Liv was giving it back as she began removing articles of clothing and advancing on Amanda.

"You are an excellent leader, Captain Benson." Amanda punctuated each word seductively in a sultry voice as she took off her bra and threw it at Olivia.

Olivia caught up to her as she trapped her between the door and herself, "And don't you forget it." Olivia readily took what she now regarded entirely hers and she covered Amanda's mouth with her own.

Amanda moaned into the kiss. She pulled the brunette close to her as she felt the heat rise from her chest to her neck. Amanda was reaching for the door handle. It was time to take Olivia to bed.

"Mama!" A wailing Jessie interrupted their moment of passion.

Amanda dropped her head foreword on Liv's chest as she tried to catch her breath. "Oh no she didn't." She whispered.

"Oh yes she did." Liv chuckled. And just like that, there went their night of celebration. But not before Olivia confessed, "Is this a bad time to tell you I told Dodds about us?"

The next day Amanda was exhausted. She was relieved at all of Liv's news; ballsy as her disclosure was the outcome couldn't have been better. She'd forced Liv to rest and enjoy some semblance of a victory while she took care of a wailing Jessie, who decided she no longer wanted a nightlight of the moon but instead of the stars. This in turn woke up Noah who was then cranky he had been woken up. They needed to find a bigger place with a quickness. The sooner the children had their own rooms, hopefully the smoother their nights would go. Not to mention, with a new baby on the way, they were really going to be screwed. Amanda couldn't help but wonder why in God's name Olivia had signed up for all of this. Amanda continued to fight the creeping thoughts of worthlessness, set forth by her parents when she was just a child. She knew better. She had so much to offer even though she had always held back. Except for now. With Olivia she gave it her all because she loved her with everything she had. But still, at times the negativity of self deprecation was difficult to stop. The feelings that she didn't deserve any of it would find their way in.

The women were out to lunch with Katy and Clara in a small diner in their neighborhood. Both Olivia and Amanda admired this neighborhood. They wordlessly looked at one another wondering if they could afford this place.

Amanda had to ask, "So do you mind me asking if you guys like the neighborhood?"

Clara, who so far was the sweet and soft spoken one, responded, "So far it's really nice. There's a local park where we take the kids and the school district is great."

"Yeah, I've heard it is." Olivia was thinking back to when Amaro was looking at schools for Zara.

Katy was curious, "Why? Are you guys looking to move?"

Amanda continued, "Actually, we've been looking for a bigger apartment." She made a face and touched her 'still too small to notice' belly. The women already knew she was pregnant on account of her ER visit with Katy.

Clara became excited, "There's a brownstone on our block that's for sale!"

"Oh." Both Amanda and Olivia readjusted their seats and made a face.

Katy and Clara took the hint immediately, "Wait, wait." Katy defended. "It's a total fixer-upper. We bought ours months ago and it's still barely livable."

Clara interrupted, "Plus, it was affordable."

"I mean, how much do you think a PA and an art school teacher make?" Katy added.

"You work at Juliard." Amanda added.

Katy laughed, "Yeah, on a teacher's salary. Honestly, we sold our house in Florida to be able to buy something here. Nothing is cheap. But it's either buy in a cheaper neighborhood and put your kids in private school or sacrifice for something a little nicer with a great school district."

"You have a point there." Olivia responded as she held Amanda's hand.

"Why don't we swing by the neighborhood now? You can check it out and we will show you our house?" Clara added.

"As long as you don't judge. We have a mess." Katy confessed.

"Oh please, we're living in a two, two with two adults and two toddlers. Neat and tidy is the least of our concerns."

As it turned out the brownstone in question had excellent potential. They called their realtor and did a walkthrough the following day. They instantly fell in love with the place. It needed work and repairs but the bones of the house were excellent.

They were standing in the living room in front of what could potentially be a beautiful fireplace, "You think we can really afford this? Plus all the repairs it needs?" Amanda's brow was etched with worry.

"Well, we're going to have to do the numbers but with selling my place and…"

"My inheritance…" Amanda had one family member she rarely spoke of. Her uncle Bill was an amazing man and the person she loved most in her family. He was born deaf and was the outcast of the family in more ways than one. That's how Amanda had learned to sign. He'd been single her whole life as far as she'd known. Secretly, she suspected he'd been gay. He was shunned by the rest of the family, including his own mother, her grandmother. Even her mother was always unkind to him. Yet he treated Amanda like the daughter he'd never had. When he became ill, Amanda was the one that took care of him. She had moved in with him the moment she turned 18. She found a peace and solace with him that she had yearned for her entire childhood. He finally passed just as she was accepted into the academy. But before he did, he told her he'd left her with "a little something." But he urged her to only use it when it was time to buy herself a home. He told her it was her nest egg. He'd left her his house as well. He even told her to sell it. But Amanda didn't have the heart. She was still renting it and planned on keeping it as long as she lived and was able to. Not even her gambling addiction could force her to touch that money nor that house. Thankfully, she was able to keep her promise because now it was time to invest that into her nest egg.

"Thanks to your uncle Bill."

"Yeah." Amanda turned around as her eyes watered. Liv squeezed her shoulder knowing this was a tough subject for Amanda. Amanda turned and smiled, "And your new salary."

"I think we can do this." Liv was suddenly very serious.

Amanda moved into her arms, "Are you sure? You really want to start a life with me?" Amanda broke contact as she looked down.

"Honey, if you're having any doubts…" Olivia secretly felt her heart panic but wanted to be reassuring.

"No, Liv. I have no doubt that you, Noah, Jessie, Frannie, this baby are everything. Everything I have ever wanted and so much more than I deserve."

Liv tried to interrupt but Amanda gently put her hands on her lips, "Olivia, I love you and you deserve the best and I've made so many mistakes in the past."

"Amanda Rollins, You listen to me and you listen to me well. Your past does not define you. Neither does mine. You came from a broken home and I came from a broken woman and…"Olivia was now trying to keep herself together, "A rapist."

"Liv, no. You are perfect. You.."

"Amanda, I am not done. I am not perfect and neither are you. We've had our issues in the past and all of this is okay as long as we both want this now. As long as we truly want this commitment and this life together that we both have worked so hard for yet believed we never deserved. That's why I think we work, honey. Because we've both come from broken but I think that together, we make each other just a little more whole."

Amanda was speechless. Everyday she fell more and more in love with this incredible woman and that within itself terrified her because she couldn't help but wonder at times, when would Olivia wake up and leave her? Yet her words, how she described what they meant to each other filled Amanda with hope and made her realize that Olivia's eyes were wide open with her.

"But Amanda," Olivia's hand was balled into a fist as she pushed against her own heart. "I need to know in here, that you are ready for this commitment and that you are not freaking out about really living together. I know this is all happening so fast and if you need to take a step back then…"

"No! I don't want that at all. I want to keep going forward with you I just…"

"What?"

"Why do you love me, Liv? I mean how do you know you're not gonna wake up tomorrow or in two weeks or even in two years and wonder, what the hell have I gotten myself into?"

Olivia was stunned, "Amanda, how do you know you won't? How does any couple know?"

"I know Liv. I know! Because I have loved you from the first moment I laid eyes on you. And you are everything I dreamed of since I was a stupid teenager. Fantasying about my future and the home I'd hoped I would build. You encompass all of it. I know because I am ready to march down the aisle and marry you today. That's how I know."

Olivia chuckled lightly realizing that Amanda's insecurity was solely her own. Understanding that Amanda had no doubts about her love for Liv but was actually just terrified of losing the other woman. Liv drew her close. She took the blonde's hands and placed them on her chest, "Amanda? I know in my past I haven't fully committed and I have run away from the relationships I've had."

"You lived with Brian."

"Baby, I know. But I only bought that apartment after he left. I wasn't in love with him, Amanda. I am in love with you. I have never felt this way about anyone before you."

"Not even Elliot Stabler?"

Olivia went silent. Amanda pulled her arms back and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Is this about men? Because I thought we already established that I never really loved…" Olivia snapped back.

"No, Liv. Not men. Just one. Tell me you didn't love Elliot Stabler."

Just then, the realtor, who had been walking the perimeter of the building entered the living room, "The yard needs work but it's great." His smile dropped at the vibe oozing from the room, "Is everything ok?"

"We'll take it. Let's put in an offer." Olivia responded seriously.

"Great!" Spat the realtor in his Armani suit. 'Where had they found this guy again?' 'Was it Fin that recommended him?' Amanda opened her mouth to say something but Olivia turned to her and quietly said, "We will talk about this later."

Amanda felt anger rising in her. Right now, Liv was her partner and not her boss. "No, I think we need to talk about this now."

Olivia did not want this man to know any more about their lives than he already had to, "Can you give us a minute?"

He was already on the phone, "I'm having the offer sent now I'll contact you both as soon as I hear back." He threw Liv the key. "Just don't forget to lock up before you go." He took off in a sprint.

"So that's what this is all about."

"In an essence. I suppose it's a big part of it."

There was a chair where Olivia gestured for Amanda to sit as she sat across from her on an old coffee table.

"I suppose I need to explain some things."

"You never talk about him. Yet, I feel he's some sort of looming shadow over our relationship."

"Amanda. You couldn't be more wrong. He's no more a thought in my mind than Brian or any other guy…"

"Yet, you keep a picture of the two of you on your foyer."

"He was my partner for eleven years, Amanda! And it's not like you don't keep pictures with Fin!"

"Ok. If you don't wanna talk about it, Liv, that's fine but don't insult my intelligence." Amanda got up and was making her way out.

"Wait." Olivia hung her head low. "Please come back."

Amanda hesitantly made her way back and sat down on the chair.

"He was my partner, my best friend. A person I admired and trusted more than anyone and he betrayed me. He abandoned me with not so much as a word of goodbye. And…I know. I know why he did it. Because, even though I swear to you on my mother's grave that nothing ever happened, there were feelings. There was more than just a friendship. The truth is that the only thing that kept us from being more was that fact that he was a married man."

Olivia kneeled down in front of Amanda now and took her hand. "Amanda, I did love him. For a long time I believed he was the only person for me. The only one I could ever feel that way about. Our feelings…my feelings ran deep and it still hurts. I'm not going to lie about that. 'But the part that hurts is the part where my best friend took off and disappeared without saying goodbye. Amanda, as much as I loved him the pain of loss I felt was in essence only that of a best friend. Because that's all we ever got to be. The love I feel for you, supersedes any romantic notion that I may have ever entertained with him. I was lonely, he was the person I trusted most and the person I felt knew me best so I thought it was love. It wasn't. Not like this at least."

Amanda finally made eye contact with her.

Olivia continued, "I may not be ready to walk down the aisle but I swear that I love you more than I have ever loved or thought myself capable of loving anyone. I want you in every way and yes, it's scary because I hope to God that you don't just get up and run away from me one day also."

Amanda came down to kneel in front of Liv, "I just confessed I'd marry you. You are stuck with me, Liv. Look at me."

Amanda took her head gently and stared into her chocolate eyes, "I would never abandon you like he did. Never! I adore you. And I am here. Committed to you in every way a woman can commit to another. And I am committed to our family. I want to be Noah's mom with you. I want you to be Jessie's mom as much as you are this unborn child's."

"Well good. Because I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you."

"You're never going to lose me, Olivia Benson."

"And Elliot? I will always care for him. I'd be inhuman not to. But even at the height of my feelings for him, they could not compare to my most minimal feelings for you, which started when I was unaware at that; from the first moment you pushed my nerves. That intensity that was always there slowly grew to encompass the most incredible feeling I have ever experienced. Until it finally exploded and look at us now. The love that I feel for you is something that in my past would have been unfathomable to my perception of reality. There is no comparison. That's why I feel ready to buy this house. Not because I think we need it to start a home because I already feel that with you. You and our growing family…you are my home.

Amanda had tears running down her cheeks. She placed a chaste kiss on Olivia's lips and she crushed her into an embrace as she let her tears fall. "I love you so much, Liv."

"God, I love you too Amanda. Don't ever doubt that again. Just be a little patient with me. I'm not always as tough as I seem."

Amanda stayed buried into her, "Just tough to crack you."

They both chucked as Olivia moaned and groaned trying to get up and help Amanda as well.

"So we're doing this?!" Amanda was all beaming smiles.

"Let's hope they take our offer."

Ok guys! We are finally getting there. Before I upload the next chapter be forewarned. Trigger warning, trigger warning, trigger warning for like…everything! Because I don't want to offend anyone. Can't tell you why or I will ruin the story. Thanks for hanging in and now hold on because this is where it gets crazy. Thank you for all your reviews and feedback!