He comes in the middle of the night, not as the one I love. No, because he's long dead. I feel the little ripples of wind as he sits next to my lying figure, puts a hand on my face.
I peek through my tired eyes. My room is dark, now. A small lamp is burning on the table. It flickers and flutters, among the dark shadows.
"It's a waste," he says, his hand still, "your hair."
My eyes land on his, try to read him. He does not look angry. I reach my hand to touch his face. "No, it's not. Are you disappointed?"
"Sometimes," he says, "you're alive. Sometimes you're not. I don't know which I like better."
He does not sound angry. But then, he rarely shows his anger. He often hides his darker faces even from me. So I will never know.
I am not in a mood to fight with him. As he said, those are unpleasant emotions. So I try to soothe him, pulling his head to rest on my chest. I run my fingers on his hair, and he relaxes.
"Yours is getting longer," I say, in a voice most gentle. "You should do the same."
"You don't like it?" he asks.
"I like it shorter," I say, "like before. When we were younger. You looked like a girl back then."
Silence soon follows, with my eyes slowly fluttering back to sleep, and him relaxing to my strokes; he looks like he's about to fall asleep too.
So I free myself completely, and fall back into a deep sleep.
When morning comes, I am still in my bed, but he is gone. So I rise. Open the door to see if my maids are outside. They are. They greet me. It's early morning.
I eat my breakfast without him. By midday, my lunch alone. And supper. Suwon does not show himself to me for the whole day.
I sleep and wake, and its morning again. A cycle. I ask the maids if he arrived last night. They say he didn't.
And then the night comes. He shows up, but he does not speak to me. He only looks at me for a second, and then goes straight to bed. His back facing me.
I let him be. Why would I chase after him? Isn't this the one I always wanted...all along?
A week passes. The situation is the same. I would have my meals alone, without him. He would show himself only in the evenings, to go straight to sleep. He won't acknowledge my presence. It's as if he's pretending I don't exist.
And I, I don't speak to him either. There is only one thing I wish right now: I wish he would disappear from my life altogether. That he doesn't appear in front of me ever again.
Yet the truth is...I am lonely.
"Are you staying in the villa today again, Your Highness?" one of my maids asks me.
She's the girl who's been trying to win my heart. I know because she always approaches me, always talks to me. Warmly. If only the situation is different, I would have opened my heart to her. If only I don't suspect her as one of his eyes.
"Yes," I say, staring at the sky. I am sitting on a bench in the garden inside the villa. This is what I do every morning. I sit here and stare at the clouds. For hours. Because here, I find quietness.
She takes her seat beside me. How impudent of her, the other maids must think. Though I never told them to stand quietly away from me, I did not ask them to accompany me either.
"Is reading your only hobby, Your Highness?"
It takes me a minute to answer. "I guess. I don't really do much." I guess my most favorite thing to do before is to wander around the castle with my bodyguard. Nothing more. I actually despised reading books before. Would always get scolded. Oh how things have turned.
"Then, how about Your Highness do something else?" she says. "Perhaps embroidery?"
I don't know why I'm still letting her talk to me. Perhaps it's because I am lonely. "I don't like it."
"Oh. Then, how about something else?" she says. "Let's see. When I was young..."
When I was young, I was free. Confined, yet not caged. When I was young, I was happy. Such that it did not matter what I would do. Whether I sit or laugh, or eat or talk, I was happy. Because I was free.
The sky becomes a blur of blue and white.
"I would like to be alone," I say firmly. "And do not bother me anymore."
She stands, bows, withdraws. I close my heavy eyes.
Is this my life, now?
How long will I be like this?
Caged and broken.
I am lonely.
"...Yona."
As if I just came out of the water, I stare into a black hole. Then the surroundings become clear. It is now dark. Had I fallen asleep for the whole day, in this position? My neck hurts.
"Princess Yona."
The sound of a man's voice makes me rise from my seat as fast as a frightened deer. A shadow steps into the light, and I see his face. Keishuk.
"Greetings, Your Highness Princess Yona," he says, bowing his head a little. "Pardon me for disturbing your rest, but the maids said you'ven been here for hours. This is not good for your health."
I quickly glance at my surroundings, study the area. No one is around. I compose myself, hide the unpleasant feeling of fear and indifference.
"This may not be our first meeting," he says, "but this is the first time we are speaking to each other. Let me formally introduce myself. I am Keishuk, Advisor to His Majesty King Suwon."
"Greetings, Advisor Keishuk," I say. "What brings you here?"
"It is late, but I would like to invite Your Highness to an evening tea," he says. "I have something to discuss with you."
We go to the guest room, to have our evening tea, sitting face to face. One of my maids pours the tea on one cup, then drinks it in front of us. Then she withdraws to the side, while another pours a cup for me.
"I would like to speak in private, Your Highness," Keisuk says.
I glance at my maids, hesitate.
"I bring you no harm, Princess Yona. Rest assured, His Majesty would have my head should harm befalls you in my presence."
I take a deep breath in. "Leave us."
When my maids have gone out of the door, Keishuk moves closer to me. "Your Highness' personal maids have interesting backgrounds, did you know? His Majesty Suwon has selected them himself." He glances at the door. "For instance, only one of them is not immune to poison."
What?
"Why are you telling these things to me?" I ask warily.
"His Majesty does not know of this visit," he says. "I came here on my own accord, while His Majesty is occupied. As for my reason, I would like us to not be indifferent towards each other, Princess Yona."
That word can mean so many things.
The whole room pauses. I stare at my cup, for a long time. What does he want? What does he need? He said he has something to discuss with me.
I glance at his figure, look through who he is. He's an advisor to the king. Why would he come to me, if I am just a helpless little princess?
I can only think of one thing.
"If you think I could persuade Suwon to do something you want, you're mistaken," I say firmly. "For instance... you've always wanted to kill me, right? But did you know? When I was locked in that room, I kept begging him to kill me. Yet he never did."
Here I stand up, using my long forgotten authority to end this conversation.
"He never listens to me. He never does. You're wasting your time here, Advisor Keishuk. If you'll excuse me, I will take my leave."
"You're mistaken, Princess Yona," he says. "I did not come here to ask for such matters. All I want is to be on good terms with the future queen, and nothing more. I may have suggested His Majesty to silence you before, but that was to protect His Majesty Suwon's seat, not out of personal grudges. Besides, times have changed now."
He rises too.
"On the other hand, it is late, and His Majesty must be on his way here soon." He bows. "It was nice having tea with you, Your Highness. Thank your for your generosity. Rest assured, if you need something, this servant is yours."
Eyes wary and weary, I watch as he leaves, exits the room. Perhaps he's saying the truth; or he's not. If I were to become the queen, I will have the power to influence the king's decisions.
He could never get rid of me: Suwon will have his head; unless he does it neat and clean. He couldn't get rid of me, so he would at least appeal to me.
Rest assured, though: I will never be on their side.
I remember what they'd done to my father. And to me. And to the ones who were on my side. I remember.
