Disclaimer: Not mine.


"Hey, we might have our differences, but you are the better lawyer."

"I am, aren't I?"

"And the more humble."

Perhaps the only way to prevent heartbreaks from someone else, is to break your own heart first - Always expecting the worst, always imagine the most terrible scenario, always brace for impact. Stab your own heart by the sharpest knife thousand times, may be that could numb the pain, may be that could dampen the fear. But she didn't realize how grueling it is until it drained all her energy, leaving her a hollow shell. Every night when she finally got home around mid-night, her feet wobbled as she passed through the threshold of her apartment, and she collapsed onto her bed right away.

Even when she went to court to warn him about the Grants, she had expected more insults from him. He might curse her with more profanities, he might push her away and accuse her of interfering with his case, he might suspect she had some sort of hidden agenda by warning him. So when Will just simply said thank you and joked with her, a tiny seed of hope began to sprout in her heart.

But of course, she wouldn't admit that. Since Will declared war against her six months ago, her pride had become an emotional pillar that kept her from falling apart, that supported her and motivated her to keep going. And she did. She kicked ass. Instead of putting herself in Will's shoes, she regarded him as the immature one. How come he still can't get over it? She told herself that he was bitter and pathetic, impulsive and resentful. Her pride kept her going, but at the same time it also blinded her – she didn't allow herself to try to understand his feelings and reactions, she couldn't see that his profound hatred came from his profound love for her, she refused to acknowledge the butterflies that (still) fluttered frantically in her stomach whenever she thought of him.


Wednesday, the rain made the bustling city even more chaotic. Alicia stepped into the coffee shop next to the court house. Before she even had time to put her umbrella away, she saw Will staring at her from a distance. As he started walking toward her, million thoughts flitted through her mind…

Is he going to be friendly, after yesterday?

He seems…. unreadable, is he angry or not?

Should I say hi and ask him about his trial?

Maybe he would finally talk to me like normal friends?

When he stood right in front of her, she looked at him expectedly.

He doesn't look angry, does he?

Maybe he would ask me to sit down and get a cup of coffee?

Maybe he would want to thank me for telling him about the Grants?

Maybe…

"You poached Candace."

Just three words. It wasn't even a question.

It took her a few minutes to digest what she'd heard. She closed her eyes for a second, got ready to put on her armor and prepare to fight another battle.

"She came to us! You know why? Because I was the one handling her case, doing the job back then, she only trusted me. I bet you partners don't even know what her case is about. Maybe if you cared for her case a tiny bit more, and invested tiny bit more resources, spend tiny bit more time with her, she wouldn't beg me to take her with me! Oh right, you didn't have time to think about her case. You were too busy toying with the fourth-years' career."

She struck with all the insults she could muster up. She took a deep breath, ready for Will to return fire, braced herself for his onslaught of assault. She waited, and waited.

But it never came.

Will just stared at her.

He wasn't angry, she didn't see rage from his eyes. But she saw misery, regrets, agony, as if he was grieving for the death of a friend. He was grieving for the death of the version of Alicia that he thought he knew. He was grieving for the death of his dream and hope.

At that moment, they turned into strangers.

At that moment, she would rather he hates her.

At that moment, she hated herself even more.

Knowing she had probably crossed the line, she made a desperate attempt to take it back. "Will… I…" She reached out her hand, but Will stepped back and avoided her like a plague.

She was speechless, looking at her outstretched hand. Her heart wanted to pull him closer, but her hands were pushing him away. She was still wrestling with her internal dilemma, when Will turned around.

Then, Will left, without saying another word.

She stood there for a long while, staring at the spot Will just stood at. Forget the coffee, she ran into the bathroom and broke down into million pieces.


By the time she got home from work on Thursday, it was already 10pm. She microwaved the left-over Grace saved for her. She was just about to finally had her dinner when Zach came up to her.

"Hi mom."

"Hi honey, I am sorry for coming home so late again."

"It's okay. Oh, I almost forgot, someone called you this afternoon and left a message. Don't know why he didn't call your cell but our home phone. Grace wrote the message down."

Grace closed the book that she was reading and said "Oh, your old boss Will Gardner called. He said his paralegals will send you Candace's files tomorrow. He said Candace's boss was having an affair with his son's babysitter. Will had talked to his ex-wife and she is willing to testify. He said Kalinda will give you all the info you need."

Alicia was dumbstruck. Thousand emotions flooded all at once – joy, sadness, longing, guilt, gratitude, shame, heartache…

"Mom, are you okay?" Grace could tell her mom's mind was going thousand miles an hour.

"Yes… I am fine. Thanks." But Zach and Grace looked at each other then looked at their mom, they were not convinced. The turmoil that the name Will Gardner had brought was evident in her crimson cheeks.

Abandoning her dinner, she ran into her room and dialed Will's number. He didn't pick up. Of course, he knew she would be at work in the afternoon, so he called her home phone instead of cell on purpose, just to avoid speaking to her directly.

She just accused him for not caring about Candace's case. But in fact, he did all the research, even talked to the ex-wife, and then handed over all his work to her without asking for anything in return. For months Will made her life a living hell – he fought her on every case, did all he can to take her down. But they both knew that winning a battle wouldn't bring them joy. It was a war that everybody loses, they were both doomed to lose from the beginning. She gained a client, but lost Will. How many clients did she have to gain in order to make her feel worth it to destroy her relationship with Will? And then all of the sudden, he stopped fighting.

He is walking away. He is giving up.

Somehow that hurt even more.


After their weekly family dinner, Alicia let Peter stay for the night in her apartment. They shared a bottle of wine.

"You are quiet tonight. Everything okay?" Peter asked.

"Yeah. Just… busy with work, a bit tired."

"I am so damn proud of you. Under this economy, your new firm is still expanding prominently. You've proved to Lockhart/Gardner that you don't need them to success. You can beat them single-handedly."

Peter didn't understand. No one would understand that this is a war that she hoped to win and hoped to lose at the same time.

"I still respect them a lot you know. It doesn't matter how good I am at my job, it wouldn't mean anything if they hadn't given me a chance. Anyways, I don't want to talk about this, I am exhausted."

"How about a massage?"

Alicia knew this was Peter's way to seduce her. She could see the lust from his eyes. He massaged her shoulders. Then he kissed her neck, her ears, her forehead… before he could reach her lips, she pushed him away.

"No, I am tired, Peter. Not in the mood for this."

"Let me get you into the mood then."

"No." She raised her hand to stop him from approaching further. "Just… no, okay? I am going to bed."

She let him join her in bed, but she said her goodnight, turned away from him, wrapped herself tight with the blanket. She wouldn't even let him touch her. They were literally only sharing the bed, nothing more.

Why do I feel like I am cheating on Will whenever my husband touches me?

She opened her bedroom door for Peter, but not the door to her heart, because there was no room for him. Her heart was fully occupied by the man she had rejected over and over, and that man wasn't her husband.