Note: Slight spoilers from this point onwards for 'Dispo Day' and 'Lost Son', although I've tinkered with events slightly.
Dinner had been a relatively quiet affair. They talked about a variety of topics, only skimming over anything work related, and entirely avoiding anything to do with the real reason why they were dining together. That was a conversation which would require their full attention.
Speed had been content to let Horatio set the pace for their evening, but was now growing slightly concerned that he was being far too efficient at avoiding the issue.
"Do you want a beer?" Horatio asked, glancing at Speed as he began clearing away the dishes. They had both been drinking wine with their meal, but now beer was to be the more appropriate beverage of choice.
"Sure," Speed replied, eyeing Horatio suspiciously. "H-"
"I know," Horatio interrupted, well aware that he had spent the majority of the evening stalling for time. "Let me finish clearing away. Then we can sit outside and talk," Horatio said, gesturing to the expensive decking at the back of his house.
Speed nodded, waiting while Horatio rinsed off the dishes and loaded up the dishwasher. When he was done Horatio grabbed two beers out of the fridge, opened them, and passed one to Speed before leading the younger man outside. Both men stepped out into the cooler night air, a soft breeze breaking the heat and humidity of daytime in Miami.
Horatio chose to stand and pace while Speed, feeling his role in this would be to listen while Horatio talked, took a seat in the closest available chair.
It was several long moments before Horatio finally found his voice again. "I've been… distant, lately," he began. Speed nodded, urging him to continue. "I've been, withdrawing, from the team. I think it was an effort on my part, to protect myself." Horatio was hesitant, not used to opening up in this way. "I thought that setting some distance from all of you would be for the best in the long run."
"Why?" Speed asked suddenly. He had intended to let Horatio talk himself out but had felt compelled to interrupt.
Horatio turned to look at Speed, leaning back against the railing and taking a long, slow gulp of beer.
"I watched you get shot," Horatio said finally, his voice faltering slightly at the memory. "I watched you get shot, and I was scared… scared of losing you. For the second time, I thought I was going to watch you die." Horatio's voice was quiet now, but still Speed could hear the raw emotion and found he was no longer able to hold eye contact with him.
"I don't remember much of what happened in the jewellery store," Speed admitted slowly.
Horatio nodded, "I know." But he remembered. Horatio remembered every moment, clear in his memory. The horrifying sound of Speed's gun clicking helplessly as it misfired. The sickening sound as the bullet tore through Speed's flesh. The feel of blood surging out of Speed's body. Holding his hand over the wound desperately trying to stop the flow while calling, begging, for help. All of this was seared into Horatio's memory.
Neither man spoke for several long minutes, both lost in that day.
Speed was first to find his voice. "We have dangerous jobs, Horatio. You know that, possibly better than anyone else. Shutting yourself off from everyone won't make things any easier should the unthinkable happen," Speed said reasonably.
"Tim, you know there is more to it than that."
Speed looked down at his beer bottle again, willing Horatio not to follow the line of conversation he now thought was imminent.
"I've been withdrawing from you Tim, more than anyone else. This, all started, with dispo day."
Speed rose from his chair, now pacing on the opposite side of the deck from Horatio.
"H, we agreed. We agreed, that some things were better left unsaid." There was an audible note of desperation in Speed's voice.
"And they were left unsaid. So, I withdrew from you, didn't check that you were actually cleaning your weapon and you got shot!" The spark of anger was gone, almost as quickly as it had appeared. Horatio took a deep breath, calming himself, and looked expectantly at Speed.
"I admit that I can be careless with maintaining my weapon. It was my carelessness and bad luck that got me shot, not you, Horatio. I should know better. I do know better." Speed quit his pacing, slumping back down into the chair he had been occupying, head in his hands. "I could have gotten you killed. That thought alone scares me more than you will ever know," Speed admitted quietly.
"Maybe, it is something I should know."
Once again Speed resumed pacing, while Horatio continued to lean against the railing. Horatio pushed away from the rail, moving to collect both his and Speed's empty bottles, allowing the other man to collect his thoughts. Disappearing, briefly, into the house Horatio returned with two more beers. Passing one to Speed, Horatio returned to his previous position.
"This has always been about you and me, Speed."
"H, we agreed. After dispo day, we agreed not to have this conversation. No matter what we may feel for each other, we can't do this," Speed was nearly pleading with Horatio now.
"I think, it is more than time we had this conversation," Horatio continued on. "Ignoring our feelings has not made them disappear. Speed, I'm not going to deny my attraction to you. Nor will I deny that my feelings for you go far beyond friendship." Horatio took a deep breath before concluding his thoughts, "I can't keep denying this. I can't keep pulling away."
Horatio took a couple of quick strides towards Speed, stepping in close to the younger man, forcing him to make eye contact.
Not breaking that eye contact, Horatio slowly slipped his right hand against Speed's cheek. Horatio leaned towards Speed, tentatively brushing their lips together. Speed didn't pull away, Horatio pushed forward increasing the contact. Their mouths pressed together, lips parting instinctively. Slowly their tongues darted forward, sweeping together. Horatio slid his hand from Speed's cheek to his neck, drawing him closer.
The demand for oxygen grew too great and the pair pulled apart. They maintained close proximity for a few short moments, before Speed abruptly took a step backwards breaking all contact with Horatio.
"H, I can't. I'm sorry." Speed turned and, without letting Horatio say a word, headed back into the house.
Horatio did not go after him; he heard the front door close quietly. Once again, Horatio gathered the two beer bottles before entering his now empty home.
As he passed the liquor cabinet, Horatio removed a bottle of whisky and picked up a glass. Sitting down on the couch, Horatio place both items on the coffee table in front of him.
He stared at the bottle for a long thoughtful moment before finally rising to his feet and retiring to bed.
