The tingling sensation of Will's lips on hers wouldn't fade away no matter how hard she tried to shake it off. The memory of his warm breath was like a ghost that haunted her wherever she went. She sat down in her kitchen alone, sipping red wine. The conflicted thoughts and emotions were so overwhelming, that it almost turned into physical pain. She gulped down the rest of her wine hungrily - alcohol seemed to be her lifeline these days.

Four plane tickets laid on the table – the tickets to her future. A future that she once thought she wanted. She remembered the woman who stood in front of the TV at the dry cleaner five years ago, looking at her own husband's sex scandal unfolded in front of the whole world. Although she still felt every bit of that humiliation, she realized she could barely recognize that strange woman anymore. Why was she so broken? Apart from the shame and the hurt from her children's eyes, it was because she painfully learned in a hard way that she had been living in a bubble of ideology – since she was young, she had always tried hard to not be her mother. Her mother's irresponsibility had helped to form her own sense of responsibility. Her Highland Park life seemed to be evidence of her principle.

But that Highland Park housewife was a creation of Peter's manipulation. That's not who she really was. Then why is she now still defending the same principle? She no longer wanted that life. Then why is she now trying so hard to recreate that life? That wasn't the real her. And Peter wasn't the husband that he portrayed neither. If he was, then he wouldn't have to cheat on her in the first place.

Both Peter and her had never really accept and embrace who they really were. That's why it was so comfortable with Will, because Will loved her for who she was.

She needed to end this misery.


She washed all the dishes, did laundry, mopped the floor. Her kitchen counter was so sparkling clean that she could see her own reflection. Every time her life was falling apart, she would scrub every corner of her home until spotless, perhaps was to give herself an illusion that her life was as organized as her apartment.

She took a deep breath when she heard Peter unlocking the front door.

"Hey. Sorry, I am late. Got hold up by Eli."

"It's okay. What does he want now?"

"He wants us to invite a few friendly journalists to our wedding. I told him I need to talk to you first. I know you want it to be private. But think about it, it's good for publicity. They won't be invasive, just a few pictures and interviews. What do you think?"

Of course, it was about his publicity again. The wedding, the marriage, the family, the wife… in his eyes, these were just resources, solely existed for his personal gain. She wondered if Will believed that she used him the same way Peter used her – resources, a stepping stone. This thought hurt her. Her heart was bleeding. The memory of the New York hotel balcony haunted her - the night that Will deemed as crazy romantic, the night that she felt this unspeakable pure love between her and Will, the happiest night in her whole life. This delicate yet precious memory, did it become manipulation in Will's eyes? For the first time, she really put herself in Will's shoes, and felt every ounce of his agony. How could he live with this much pain? It's unbearable…

She must have zoned out when Peter kept talking. She didn't give him any reaction, and she heard none of his words.

"….. I will have to talk to Zach about it." She only heard the last few words. He noticed she hadn't said a word and staring off into space. "Hey babe, are you okay?"

It's so easy to say yes and move on, but she knew it was time to rip off the bandage.

"Back then, if I wasn't pregnant with Zach, do you think we would get married?"

Peter could see the dark cloud forming on top of her knitted brows. He braced for the oncoming storm.

"What is this?"

"Answer me."

"Alicia, what is this about?" Then he saw the four plane tickets that she was holding, he knew she was getting cold feet. "If you don't want the reporters to be there, then I'll tell Eli no. What's going on?"

"Peter, I am tired. I am mentally exhausted. I am tired of pretending our marriage is so impeccable that we can just go to Hawaii and ride off into sunset, happily ever after. Have we ever found out why you felt the need to go cheat on me?"

"Oh, Jesus, not about this again. I've apologized over and over, what else do you want me to do?"

"It's not about apology, Peter. Cheating on me is not the real problem. The real problem existed and that was why you went out to bang the hooker. Cheating on me is just the outcome of that problem. Why wasn't me enough for you?" She raised her voice.

He pointed the finger at her. "You can't go there again! How many times do I have to tell you, when I cheated, it didn't mean anything!"

Now she was really angry. How dare him raising his voice and pointing his finger at her, while he was the one who cheated. "Well, what a waste, because when I cheated, IT DID!" She screamed.

She was out of breath. When her hysteria was met with silence, she realized this was her first time admitting her feelings for Will. Her immediate impulse was to take it back and deny everything. But for the first time, she was telling the truth. "He means everything to me." She said with a hushed tone.

"Ha, okay, so this is about Will again."

"Don't pull Will into this."

"Why not? I am your husband! Who is he to you? Who do you think you are to him?"

"He is my friend."

"He WAS your friend." Ouch, that stung. "He doesn't even care about you anymore! You don't even know what kind of person he really is. He humiliated you in front of his whole firm."

"Does that mean I am supposed to know you better than him because you are my husband? Because I thought my husband was a loyal, smart, righteous man who would never cheat on me and always do the right thing. And turns out I can't be more wrong. You've humiliated me in front of the whole world."

Funny. Because when she was at Georgetown, she thought she was making a logical decision by choosing Peter over Will. Being a cocky ladies' man, Will seemed to be the exact opposite of Peter, who was reliable and responsible. She could see a future with him.

"So you think you'll be better off with him? What about your children, you family? OUR children, OUR family? He just wants to get into your pants. You would really let him destroy our family?"

Alicia almost laughed. She shook her head.

"What so funny?"

"Unbelievable. You honestly think HE is the one destroying our family? Our family was destroyed when you decided it was a good idea to put your children's faces on 24-hour news cycle, shame your wife in the most humiliating way, throw your vow and loyalty out of the window by sleeping with God knows how many women, including my best friend. There's nothing left for Will to break!"

Peter was getting irritated, he had enough. He yelled back. "Well, I said my sorry thousand times, and I have been trying to repair the damage. We are going to Hawaii to renew our vow in 5 days. So what you want to call it off now? After everything has been planned and announcement has been made?"

"I don't want to live in a lie for the rest of my life."

"And you want to run to Will? Why is he so important to you? Why do you care about him so much?"

"BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!"

They were both stunned with such confession. She spent her whole life guarding her heart and hiding her love. But now, she wasn't shameful of Will anymore. She nodded her head to reassure herself.

I am not lying. I meant what I said. I do really love Will Gardner.

Peter sank into the chair. Silence was all they had left.

"I think you should go now" she said quietly after a while.

He didn't move.

"Seriously, Peter, get out. Go home."

He still didn't move. "My family's here. This is my home."

Alicia shook her head. She was exhausted. Then, they heard a voice coming from the living room.

"No, dad, I think you should leave now." Zach appeared and suddenly became very protective of his mother. Grace said nothing, but she hugged Alicia, and stood next to her. Their mother had suffered enough.

Alicia and Peter were both dumbstruck. They didn't know their children could hear the whole argument.

The moment Peter stepped out of her apartment and the door was closed, Alicia broke down into tears.

She embraced both her children. "I am so sorry. You two deserve better parents."

"No, mom, you are the best mom we could ever imagine. You let your own happiness go down the drain for us, and you think we didn't notice?" Zach said.

"That's right, mom. Go to Will! Go get your happiness back."