Disclaimer: Still not mine.
Author's Note: Huge hugs and thanks to the betas: iheartbridges, JeSouhaite, and lulabo. This was an especially challenging chapter to write and they endured multiple drafts of it.
Chapter 1 – Three and a half weeks earlier
She'd known that a date with Luke would be at least a little awkward. She'd expected awkward; she knew how to handle awkward. She hadn't expected uncomfortable.
The actual ask-out had come along rather unexpectedly, almost as if it had fallen out of their conversation by default and the result was that Luke was going to take her to dinner the following Saturday. It seemed to take both of them by surprise.
It felt strange to have made date-like plans with someone that she saw every day. Lorelai couldn't recall that ever happening before. An extra degree of nervous energy hung in the air during all of their conversations and Luke had a faintly questioning look in his eye every time she saw him - as if he wanted to ask each time he saw her if they were still on. He did ask on Saturday morning, and under Rory's amused gaze, they confirmed their dinner plans and Luke told her he'd pick her up at seven.
Luke knew enough to be a few minutes late and patiently waited another 10 minutes while she finished getting ready. When Lorelai asked if she was going to make them late, he confessed to having allowed for some leeway when making the reservations, and though outwardly she pretended to look offended, she was secretly impressed that he both knew what to expect and seemingly accepted it without question.
The friendly smirks they shared relaxed her, but the moment they left the house and Luke gestured toward his truck, it hit her that they were going on a date. She was going on a date with this hatless, slacks-wearing version of Luke, who was watching her with a hopeful smile, and suddenly she had no idea what to say to him. Normally she might have mocked him for acting like a gentleman as he opened the passenger door, except for the fact that he wasn't acting, and that just emphasized even more how foreign the situation felt.
When Luke climbed into the truck, he gave her a nervous glance, then looked away again, turning his attention to the road. In an attempt to bring back the familiarity of their typical interactions, Lorelai cast about for something to talk about.
"So, do you have any music?" she asked. Music would be a safe topic, right?
"There should be some under your seat."
Lorelai leaned down and pulled out a padded rectangular case. Expecting CDs, she was surprised by its shape. After unzipping it she said, "Uh, Luke."
"Yeah?"
"These are tapes."
"Your point?"
"You need a CD player." He opened his mouth to protest, but she interrupted. "And before you say that you don't have any CDs, that can be remedied."
He shrugged. "The tape player's working fine for me."
"Okay, argument for another time. But now let's see what Luke Danes listens to." She started flipping through the cassettes, "Neil Young. Not too surprising. Santana. Rush. Rush? Seriously? I mean who really listens to Rush anymore?"
"Apparently not you." His voice had a sharp edge to it that made her wonder if she'd insulted him. She gave him a questioning look, and his expression softened as he pointed at the case, saying, "Why don't you keep going – get it over with?"
"Okay," she said slowly. "Mellencamp. Hey, you got some Springsteen to go with that? Oh, here's a winner. Supertramp, and oh my god Jefferson Airplane. Please, please, please tell me that you have some Journey or maybe some REO Speedwagon." She looked at him, grinning.
Any other time, she would have expected some sort of retort about how it couldn't be worse than Duran Duran, but he just said, "Sorry to disappoint. No Journey. No REO Speedwagon. Do you think there's anything in there you can stand to listen to?"
Lorelai thought for a moment, then picked out the Mellencamp tape and handed it to him. "How about this?"
He looked at the title. "Really? You like this?" he asked curiously.
She shrugged. "I used to listen to it a lot when I was a teenager, at least in part to annoy my mother." At his raised eyebrow, she added, "She wasn't really fond of anything I listened to, but she considered this 'working-class' music, so she held it in particular disdain."
"Oh, I see."
She thought she could hear hurt in his voice and she kicked herself for being unable to get through a single conversations without bringing up something inappropriate. Trying to repair the damage, she continued, almost as if he hadn't spoken, "But I really liked it. It was one of the things I listened to a lot after moving to Stars Hollow, when Mia gave me one of her old tape players."
He said, "Tape player, huh?" and the amusement she could hear in his voice lessoned her anxiety and she could feel herself start to relax.
As the music started, Lorelai asked where they were going, but Luke was tight-lipped about their destination. She had spent the week imagining different scenarios for this date and had so much trouble picturing Luke on a date at all that she'd given up and let herself wait to see what he'd planned. That didn't keep her, however, from a last-ditch effort to learn on the ride over.
His attire wasn't much of a clue, since anything other than flannel signaled a drastic change for him. He wore a deep blue button down shirt and a pair of black slacks and Lorelai couldn't help admiring how attractive he looked in the combination.
She found herself resisting the instinctive urge to rest her hand on his arm when they shared a mutual laugh. She'd never been shy about initiating a physical connection on a date, but this was Luke. It felt like there were different rules.
The restaurant turned out to be a comfortable tavern that managed to be classy without being fancy. In retrospect, it fit Luke perfectly. She even thought she saw some of the tension melt out of his shoulders as they walked through the door.
He'd started to lead her past the 'Wait to be seated' sign toward what looked to be a reserved table, when an older woman exited the kitchen and spotted them.
"Lucas," she said warmly.
"Hi, Mazie," he answered as she gave him a hug. She then turned toward Lorelai and Luke introduced the two of them tentatively, before Mazie led them to their table and handed them large menus.
Before opening hers, Lorelai gave Luke a curious glance. "You didn't tell me you knew the owners."
He looked down a moment, then looked back with a shy smile. "Mazie and my mom went to school together. I've known them a long time. Her husband Buddy taught me a lot about running a restaurant and helped me get the diner opened."
Lorelai was saved from having to respond by the appearance of Buddy, whom Mazie introduced briefly. After a bit of small talk, Mazie dragged Buddy away, whispering conspiratorially, "I'm sorry to interrupt your dinner. Buddy's just excited because Lucas never brings his girls here."
Luke visibly flushed and protested, "Mazie."
Mazie apologized and excused herself and Buddy, leaving Lorelai and Luke alone again. Lorelai suddenly felt a renewed nervous tension settling over them. Luke glanced over at her and then down at his menu and Lorelai felt compelled to fill the silence.
"So, this isn't one of your dating hotspots, I guess?" she teased.
He shrugged wordlessly, then seemed to find his voice and respond, "Well, I don't really get out too much."
He hadn't really answered the question, but his evasiveness was more telling than a direct answer would have been.
She'd been trying to tell herself all week that this date was a casual outing. The plans, when they fell together, had felt accidental – just another friendly conversation with Luke in the diner.
The conversation she'd been having about dating with Rory over breakfast at the diner had gotten completely turned around, and somehow Luke's name had come up, and of course Luke had witnessed it. After Rory had left, Lorelai had walked up to the counter, to explain to Luke that Rory was just goofing around, to let him off the hook. But, in an amazingly sitcom-like conversation her intention had gotten lost in their bumbling efforts not to insult each other. She wasn't trying to say she didn't want to date him; she just wanted to let him know he wasn't obligated. He wasn't horrified by the prospect of going out with her; he just didn't want her to feel like she would have to, just because of a silly conversation. In the midst of all the backpedaling, instead of forestalling any possibility for a date, they'd ended up making plans for one.
She knew he hadn't planned to ask, and she'd used that to convince herself that this was casual, that they'd be able to try out the dating thing, to see if it worked. Making the date hadn't committed them to anything other than dinner, she told herself, talking over the other voice in her head – the one that said something bigger was going on here. The introduction of these people who, if not family, were at least important to Luke made that second voice louder, more insistent.
And that was terrifying, because Lorelai didn't do well with 'big.' She usually ran from 'big.' She knew that about herself even without her daughter having to remind her about it.
Luke shifted in his seat, and the movement dragged Lorelai out of her own head and back to the moment. She remembered his noncommittal response to the question she'd asked almost in jest. She nodded simply then gestured toward her menu and opened it, welcoming the distraction of so many choices. It wasn't until Luke asked tentatively, "Anything look good?" that she realized just how long she'd been silent.
"Yeah. Really, there are so many things I'm having trouble deciding. How about you?"
"I'm going to get the salmon."
After a brief exchange comparing some of the menu options, during which Lorelai tried desperately to think of something funny to say, she finally settled on the pork chop special. Mazie came back to take their orders and soon after returned with their salads.
In between stretched a long disconcerting silence that Lorelai knew she should be able to fill. Conversation and banter were usually her things, but she felt out of sync with this Luke, unable to find that rhythm they typically had. It was ridiculous, really. He was still the same guy – the one who looked out for her, cared about her. The one who'd seen her embarrassed, elated, grungy, giddy, and any other clichéd description she could dream up. More than that, he'd seen her when she'd let down her guard and confessed her sadness about Rory growing up or her fears about making ends meet.
But all of their more-than-friends feelings brought a new element to their relationship. Date Luke looked at her differently. It wasn't that hungry look she was used to from men who were playing off her flirtatiousness and plotting end-of-evening moves. He watched her with more admiration than hunger, more hopefulness than expectation. He saw her, knew her, and still wanted to spend time with her.
It made her gut ache that she couldn't figure out how to talk to him.
Once she had a salad in front of her, Lorelai was so relieved to have something to do that she dove into her salad with uncharacteristic enthusiasm. After a few moments, Luke asked, "How's your salad?"
"It's good."
"I'm just surprised you're eating it. I don't know if I've ever seen you eat salad."
"I don't usually order it, but if it comes with the meal…" She shrugged. "Besides, the salad dressing is really good."
"The salad dressing?"
"You can never be sure about blue cheese, because it can be really awful, especially some of those in the bottle from the market, but I figured it would be good here. Sookie makes a pretty good blue cheese dressing too. Have you tried this before?"
Luke looked a little baffled by the conversation, but answered, "No, I don't really like heavy salad dressing. I usually just have a vinaigrette or something."
"Oh, I don't really like vinaigrette." Somehow that revelation felt a little disappointing; it seemed like they should be finding commonalities, not differences. Of course, it was only salad dressing. "Well, Sookie does make a raspberry vinaigrette that's pretty good. And she once made some sort of apple cider one that was interesting. They were good…fruity."
He gave her a skeptical glance. "Fruity?"
"Yeah, which is weird. I mean, not weird that they were fruity, but weird that I liked them, because I don't really eat fruit much, unless it's in a pie." Luke looked like he was at a loss for words, so she just continued, "Do you make your own salad dressings for the diner? I guess I would know if I ever ordered a salad, but I obviously haven't."
He shook his head. "No, I just buy bottled dressings. It kind of falls under Buddy's 'keep it simple' rule. It was the first thing he told me about running a restaurant."
"I guess that makes sense. It probably makes everything a lot easier. Not that you couldn't make your own salad dressing if you wanted to, but people are probably just as happy with the other stuff. I mean, Sookie makes her own because she's Sookie, but that doesn't mean everyone should…" Her voice trailed off as she noticed Luke's expression getting more and more strained, and she smiled at him apologetically. "I don't usually talk this much about salad dressing. I'm sorry."
"It's fine. Don't apologize."
She nodded. "So, you've known Mazie and Buddy a long time then?"
"All, my life. Mazie went to school with-"
"Oh, right, you said that before. I'm sorry. I am listening, really." She let out a discouraged sigh. "I'm not usually this boring."
"Believe me, I know," he teased, and then gave her an encouraging smile. "You're not boring. And I told you not to apologize."
She nodded and poked at her salad, suddenly repulsed by the salad dressing, symbolic as it was of her inability to carry on a conversation with someone she'd known for years. It was the kind of date she'd laugh about with Rory, if it weren't for the fact that she was letting down a friend. She looked back up at Luke and gave him a weak smile, while racking her brain for something they could talk about. Why was this so difficult all of a sudden?
He gave her a little half smile, took a deep breath and asked, "So, how are things at the inn? Are things picking up now that the leaves are starting to turn?"
As a topic it wasn't wholly original, but she appreciated his effort and tried to reciprocate in kind the next time the conversation lagged, but everything she said felt dull and redundant. It was almost easier to say nothing.
Luke made several valiant attempts to turn the conversation around to their usual repartee, even opening himself up to potentially vicious mocking by sharing stories of the elaborate pretend meals he used to make for his family and Mazie and Buddy when he was a preschooler. But all of the weighty expectation had muddled her wit and his statements fell flat.
The irony of the situation, of Luke trying to talk to her and earning only monosyllabic answers, would have made her laugh if it weren't for the concern in his eyes. The more she tried to speak, to say something worthwhile, the worse the feeling of inadequacy got. She couldn't even imagine the thoughts that must have been going through his head.
She considered pulling out Date Lorelai, the one who always knew what to say and how to be charming, due in part to skill and more than a little artifice. But everything she composed in her head sounded hollow and false.
The strained conversation continued throughout dinner, lightened only occasionally by periods of forced humor. She could see the moment the heart went out of Luke's efforts and it hurt her to see the defeated look on his face. After Mazie came to take their plates, she had her obligatory cup of coffee, and Luke didn't even blink when she turned down dessert.
They were almost back to Stars Hollow when he asked tentatively, "Would you like to come to the diner for some coffee?"
She averted her eyes so that she didn't have to see the resignation in his when she answered, "I have an early day tomorrow. I should get home."
He shrugged and turned toward her house. When he pulled into her driveway, he turned off the ignition and was halfway out his door before she could say, "You don't have to-" When he walked around and opened her door, she repeated, "You don't have to…"
He glanced at her with an unreadable look in his eye. "I'm at least going to walk you to the door." His voice was soft and she wondered again what he was thinking, how he could continue to be so considerate of her.
As she stepped past him, he rested his hand ever so lightly on her hip. There was something instinctual about the gesture, something supportive and not at all suggestive. The thought comforted her, so much so that it took her a moment to realize that it was the first time he'd touched her all evening, and in spite of tension she felt a shiver go through her at the feel of his warm fingers through the thin material of her skirt.
She glanced up at him and felt herself flush. It was something, she thought, because he didn't drop his hand until they reached her steps.
She turned toward him slowly, reluctant to face the end of date awkwardness, struggling to think of the easiest way to extract herself from the moment.
"Well, that was…nice," he said lamely, preempting any attempt she might have made. She could feel in his words that he knew it wasn't.
He opened his mouth to continue, but she blurted out, "Thank you for dinner. You'll have to tell Mazie and Buddy that it was top notch. Really great. And how nice it was to meet them. Thank you for taking me."
"Well maybe…" he started slowly, testing the waters. She saw hope flash in his eyes and it made her wish that she was better at this, that she knew how to take what they had and turn it into something else.
But she couldn't let this possibility go on, only to have it crash and burn and take their friendship along with it. She rushed her next words, needing to get them out before she lost her will, "I mean, it was good to go - to try the 'going-out' thing. It's too bad it didn't work." She saw that she was hurting him, could see his wounded pride, but she knew she was just saving them further grief down the road.
"So that's it?" he asked, his voice soft. "You've just decided? You didn't even give it a real shot."
"I did try. We just didn't…it didn't work."
He looked up at her, leveling his gaze at her for a long moment. After what seemed like an eternity, he let out a defeated sigh. "Whatever." He turned away from her and took a few steps toward his truck, but then stopped for a moment, his hand landing with a frustrated thump on the railing. "You know, if you didn't want to go, you could have said so."
"I did want to go," she said softly.
"Fine." He punctuated the word with a wave of dismissal as he started toward his truck again.
"Luke," she called sadly, "I didn't want it to be like this. I didn't want everything to get so screwed up." As an apology it felt meager to her ears and judging from the skeptical look he gave her when he turned around, she wasn't sure he believed her.
He took in a deep breath, as if evaluating, then said evenly, "I'll see you at the diner tomorrow."
She nodded. It wasn't quite acceptance, but it would have to do.
Next: A few days before the date
