Steve Warz
Episode [Obscura]:
Mens Ortus
...There is stirring below. Could they be active, after all this time? Hmmm… Let us see how it proceeds.
...
(The Jedi step into a short hall with a curved ceiling that seems to be made of Venetian marble. At the other end is a glass entryway that resembles a greenhouse, from whence a watery blue light shines through. Napping on his rump, head resting on a knee, is a familiar well-dressed chap. The sound of approaching footsteps awakens him with a start, and seeing who it is puts the Duelist into more of a fluster as he sluggishly gets up)
Duelist: A-ah, Jedi! Salutations! Do forgive me; I was just… (Yawns) reflecting on matters.
Will: Looked more like sleeping.
Duelist: Alright yes, but not out of disrespect toward yourselves. I received word that you had bested yet another of my brethren, and thus came here to await our latest re-engagement. But when you failed to appear in timely fashion I decided to recline on this wall here, and with the light near this spot having such a calming hue—
Jo: It wasn't our intention to take so long. We were held up by another of your guys, and we just finished putting ourselves back together.
Duelist: Another? But, I'm the only Embodiment here. Most curious… But that's unimportant. You're all here, hale and hearty, ready for another of my challenges. And that is well worth a wait of any length.
Sara: Glad you think so, and I'm sorry you got bored waiting.
Duelist: Oh that's quite alright, but the concern is appreciated. A sweet one you are, as well my next opponent!
Sara: Wait what?
Squishy: Flattery gets you nowhere, Sara.
Cope: That wasn't flattery; she was just being polite.
Duelist: Take heart, I made my choice well before arriving, as well as the type of challenge. For our duel Sara Maller, we will partake iiiiiiin… Bowling!
(The floor before them stretches out and flips into a polished bowling lane replete with gutters. A pin holder with ten pins arises before the glass partition, and a ball return with rack and two bowling balls pop up near the Jedi. From the ceiling a large electronic score screen descends with the names "Duelist" and "Alia" entered on it. Everything in place, the Duelist—who has relocated to beside the Jedi to no one's notice—walks over to the ball rack)
Duelist: Being as skilled in bowling as you are, I don't need to go over the rules for basic play. And respecting the urgency of your quest, this will be a three-frame game. Whoever has the highest score wins, with the loser staying behind. (He turns to Sara) Ladies first, if you'd like.
Sara: I would, thank you.
Duelist: Superb. If you will please choose a ball.
(Sara goes over to pick up a ball, but stops at seeing them completely featureless)
Sara: Uhh, how much do these weigh?
Duelist: Ah, don't worry yourself. They adjust automatically to the handler's preferred weight upon being picked up.
(Sara tentatively picks up the orange ball, and raises it up and down to test the weight)
Sara: Huh, feels perfect.
Duelist: Indeed. Now, let's take our places.
(He picks up the remaining blue ball, and the two bowlers go to the head of the lane)
Squishy: (Whisper) Hey, Will. We haven't gone out bowling lately; is she still just as good?
Will: (Whisper) Oh yeah. Goes every other weekend. Utterly annihilates would-be pros just for the fun of it.
Squishy: (Whisper) Good one, then.
(Once the two are in position)
Duelist: You may start whenever you're ready, ma'am.
Sara: Okay.
(Sara raises her ball and visually aligns her shot, just as the rack at the other end sets down the pins. After some seconds, she takes a few steps forward and rolls her arm, releasing the ball expertly down the off-center of the lane. It rolls true, colliding with the front of the pins and smashing through the formation with a thunderous crash. Not a single pin remains, and a big X pops up on the electronic scoreboard right as Sara's ball returns)
Jo: Woo-Yeah!
Anna: There ya go!
Duelist: Spot-on. But it's only the beginning.
(Duelist takes his place where Sara had stood, closing one eye and sticking his tongue out the corner of his mouth as he lines his shot. He makes several quick, short steps before releasing his ball, adding on a good bit of speed and power to the toss. A thunderous rapport as the pins meet the same fate as before, with no survivors to speak of. Duelist turns and goes back over to the ball return in a reserved manner, though sporting a smug grin as the scoreboard records his strike)
Duelist: It appears that nap did me wonders. Your turn.
Sara: Yeah, I can see.
(Sara picks up her ball and goes over to the lane)
Squishy: Don't let him get to ya.
Sara: I'm no amateur. This is my zone.
(Will nods affirmatively as Sara takes her place. Again she focuses silently and aims, then strides smoothly forward and releases. In moments the sphere finishes gliding down the polished lane and crashes into the pins, obliterating the opposition as before. Another X pops up on her score, along with another round of cheers from the others. Duelist just looks on with crossed arms as she looks over to him in passing)
Sara: What did I say?
Duelist: Hmph.
(He takes up his own ball, and this time only makes a cursory glance over his shot. As he steps forward to release)
Jo: Don't choke!
(Duelist releases, and the ball quickly covers the length of the lane and busts through the pins dead-on. He straightens up and walks back casually, making a grin to the Jedi with the pinging of his additional X)
Duelist: Not to something like that.
(Jo looks to the others and merely shrugs. Duelist returns to Sara)
Duelist: Neck and neck. You keep a steady arm and a steady aim, milady. Alas, it comes down to this final delivery. Best of luck.
Sara: Thanks.
(Goes up to get her ball)
Will: You got this, babe.
Cope: Keep it up.
(Sara firmly nods, then goes back into aiming position with her ball. Taking a breath, she strides forward and releases it, straight and true. In seconds another thunderous crash, and it's only a short stint of anticipation before it's confirmed: another strike. And the crowd goes wild)
Squishy: Turkey! Gobble gobble gobble!
Jo: Came at 'em like a wrecking ball!
Anna: No-Sweat-Sara, and I just made that up cuz you deserve it, woo!
(Sara goes back to the group, sharing a kiss with her man)
Will: That's my girl.
Sara: Dang right.
(Duelist is looking amused)
Duelist: A perfect game, in this limited setting. Most impressive, but still a little early for celebration. (Goes to pick up the ball) I still have one last go.
(Ball in hand, he faces the lane, aims, and following a measured sprint he sends forth his last delivery. The ball zips forward and blasts the formation in a flurry of white and thunder. Yet one corner pin wobbles defiantly as its brethren fall, and everybody stands on the edge of their figurative seats as they watch the last hold-out tilt precariously this way and that. Then, it comes to an erect standstill. The Duelist drops his head and sighs)
Duelist: I see no point in finishing. The game is yours, Sara.
(The Jedi cheer and hug, the excitement of bowling having riled their spirits. Duelist stands indifferent to the celebration, remaining quiet until the heroes settle down)
Duelist: Half of you have surpassed my challenge. I'm unashamed to admit that you stand a very good chance in handling the next stage of difficulty to come. Saying that, I shan't tarry in letting you continue.
(He claps his hands, and the bowling equipment goes away and the floor shrinks back to normal, so that they're close to the glass wall again)
Duelist: Through there is a lift that will take you higher into our fair fortress, where the mightiest aspects reside. I beg that at least the three of you I've yet to face survive so as not to deny me a chance at redeeming myself. Best of luck to you, and I will hopefully see you on the upper levels.
(He leaps out of sight once more)
Sara: He didn't sound as pleased to lose this time around.
Will: Maybe he's cranky from us disrupting his nap. Or he's realizing how outmatched he is.
Squishy: Meaning he might get desperate.
Jo: We'll see for ourselves the next time we face him.
Cope: From what he said, it sounds like we're going to be facing the more elite guardians.
Squishy: Yeah. Like we reached a milestone.
Jo: Which means one leg of this wacky suicide mission is over, and we're one step closer to getting our galaxy back.
Anna: Then let's get on and get up to the next step.
(Everybody nods and steps through the unlocked partition. They find themselves in a fairly spacious glass-walled box, and when the door closes there is a shudder before the room detaches and rises smoothly at an angle along invisible rails. From outside the room, we see the lift traverse a wide dark expanse before entering into an aperture on the side of the central structure of the castle. Some seconds later, the Jedi step out another door and into something bizarre)
Squishy: Whooooa…
(The chamber is a massive round one, shaped like an inverted cone encircled by levels upon levels of rings. What makes it stand out from previous chambers is that each level is lined with tall, rounded, stonelike structures, each bearing a porthole-like fixture that radiates a soft mix of blue and pink light. And there are lots of them, going well up to the ceiling, adding a watery hue to the dim lighting of the chamber. The Jedi notice that there are a few stones that have gone completely dark, but that doesn't stop them from marvelling at the sheer enormity of the collection)
Sara: It's like an amphitheatre, or a forum.
Will: Or a crypt. Those things look an awful lot like headstones.
Cope: They strike me more like pods, similar to the ones in the secret Mako lab in FF7.
Anna: Just what we need: some horror mixed in with the absurd.
?: Oh, it's nothing of the sort.
(The Jedi whip about, raising their lightsabers to the speaker. Their row of deadly lights point at a mousy-looking man with coke bottle glasses, a cardigan, combed hair, and an armful of folders, which he clutches to his chest while yelping in surprise)
Fellow: Ah-ah, I didn't mean to startle you! I probably should have a-announced myself better.
Jo: Are you our next opponent?
Fellow: Not at all! While I am an Embodiment, I serve a more auxiliary than defensive role.
Cope: Like what? Being the janitor?
Embodiment: I would be happy to elaborate, but confrontation makes me nervous, so if you could turn those things off, please? (After a moment, the Jedi holster their weapons) My thanks. I am the Assistant: Embodiment of Helpfulness and Sharing. I serve as record-keeper for the Compendium, which in a way is sort of like a janitor, but for information.
Jo: You handle information? Does that make this a records room or something like that?
Assistant: Most astute of you, yes! This is the Embodiment Archives, where every aspect of our Master's personality is catalogued.
Will: Wait, these statues all represent Embodiments?
Assistant: That's correct. You may surmise that the ones that are unlit are out of commission, i.e. the Embodiments you have bested, or have been shut down by the Master Himself.
Will: But there are dozens of 'em!
Assistant: Yes, well, you could say the Master is a man with many hats; a gem with many facets. Depending on His mood, He will exhibit different behaviors and outlooks. Each of those alterations is represented by an Embodiment. While some are more developed and expressed more frequently than the majority, they all must be accounted for in order for the core personality to remain cognizant and in control. Hence the purpose of this room, and by extension myself.
Anna: Your master must be one moody guy, because Dang. His brain's like a busted kaleidoscope.
Assistant: It's all quite manageable, given that most of them are more passive reflections of the Master. Although the current arrangement is nowhere as practical or tidy as the one before it.
Sara: Before?
Assistant: Originally our headquarters was modeled after an office building, but after playing Kingdom Hearts II, the Master decided to reshape everything into something resembling Organization XIII's headquarters-slash-castle.
Cope: I flippin' knew it: This whole place is a massive Kingdom Hearts rip-off!
Assistant: While I don't disagree with the rip-off sentiment, I do admit it adds a lot more character. A brooding character, but character nevertheless.
Jo: While this might be all fascinating to us at a different time, I'm more curious as to how we wound up in human resources.
Assistant: Oh, that's because this is a hub of sorts for the whole facility. Right over there is the lift that will take you to the upper levels. (Points to a recess holding another glass partition) That's where the more pronounced aspects of the Master reside. Very prominent—much more so than the ones you've met—but with how well you've done thus far, I say your chances of overcoming them are quite good. The fact you withstood Demolisher has surpassed my expectations at least.
Will: I don't suppose you could just send us straight up to your Master instead?
Assistant: I'm under strict orders to provide no other exit than the one I've shown you, as much as I would love to give you a shortcut. I'm rather fond of my existence and I don't want to meet the same abrupt end as the Accountant. (Sighs) A real shame, his loss. We were of similar opinions.
Anna: Would it be too much to ask what the upcoming Embodiments will be like?
Assistant: Yes as well. Ohh, it pains me that this one chance to be incredibly helpful, and I'm forbidden on threat of erasure!
Jo: You've been helpful enough, so thank you.
Assistant: Oh, my absolute pleasure. (Swoons)
Squishy: We'll just be on our way.
Assistant: Certainly certainly. But, one last thing.
Squishy: Hm?
Assistant: I'm in the minority on this, but I'm rooting for you. I'm genuinely excited to see if you make it to the top, so don't lose heart.
Squishy: (Nods) Thank you.
Cope: Yes, thank you.
Sara: Thanks.
Assistant: Good luck out there. Try not to be too daunted!
(He waves farewell and adjusts his glasses at their parting. Soon the Jedi enter the second lift, and with a click of the doors and the swoosh of motion they're off to the first of the Main Ones)
(The lift comes to a stop, and a warm light pours into the enclosure the moment the doors split. After a brief blinding, the Jedi exit the lift, and are immediately awestruck)
Jedi: Woooooow.
(They have stepped out onto a precipice overlooking a vast and glorious landscape made up of verdant plains and forests, a rich foaming blue sea, and mountain peaks dressed in the white of snow and clouds. Birds of all kinds glide through the air, and herd animals can be seen grazing far below. A glorious sun shines upon them, and for the first time in practically forever, their faces are caressed by a cool, rejuvenating breeze. So much natural splendor to behold)
Squishy: This is amazing.
Sara: Absolutely gorgeous. It's almost unreal.
Anna: About time one of these guys put some imagination in their living space.
Cope: And for that I'm wholeheartedly grateful.
(As they're marveling, a scope reticle focuses on them. Its handler is not liking this)
?: Dohhh, they're here. Guess I'm actually doing this.
(Over to the Jedi, their sightseeing is disrupted by a booming voice)
Trespassers to this sanctuary, halt your, uh, trespass! Return from whence you came, or stay right where you are. If you come further, you'll be in some serious trouble!
Jo: Sounds like our next guy.
Anna: (Shouts) Hey! How about showing yourself so we can take you seriously!
(There's a pause, then)
...No! Just go away, or else!
Will: A shy one, methinks.
Cope: I have the sinking feeling this is going to become a game of hide-and-seek.
Squishy: With how massive this place is, that's going to be super annoying. (Suddenly hears a ringing) Hey, what's that?
Will: What's what?
(Another ring)
Squishy: Don't you hear that? It's some kind of ringing.
Jo: I hear nothing, Squish.
Cope: It's probably tinnitus.
Squishy: No, it's more like a…
(As the ringing continues, Squishy raises a hand and presses his fingers to the side of his head. There's a click, then we switch over to a Codec call screen, with portraits of Squishy and… Entrepreneur?)
Entré: Yo Squishy, do you read me?
Squishy: Entrepreneur?
Entré: Ah, good, a clean signal. Got you just in time. How's it going, little man?
Squishy: How are you contacting me? I don't have a comm on or anything.
Entré: Are you really asking me that, given what your whole existence has been about? Anyway, sorry I can't grace you all with my winning smile, but I'm keeping a low profile at the moment. Dee and Cliff are keeping a closer tab on me after what happened to Ex, but I can give you a quick lowdown on who you're facing. You just stepped into the territory of the Naturalist: The Compendium's environmental nut. A huge nature freak; cares about animals and trees and all that stuff. Naturally (heheh) he doesn't care for people, even imaginary people, so he keeps to himself. If you want to move ahead, you'll need to find him and beat him up close. A lot like fighting The End.
Squishy: Ohhhhh, so it is going to be hide-and-seek.
Entré: Afraid so, my dude. And like The End, he's got three biomes to hide in, each with their own dangers: land, sea, and air. He'll use the environment to do his dirty work, but that's also the trick that'll help you suss him out.
Squishy: How do you mean?
Entré: You'll figure it out. Anyway, this is the last time I'll be able to speak to you for a while. You've all the help you'll need to handle Natty and the others. Next time we meet, it'll be our big confrontation, so get excited. Good hunting. Peace!
(He signs off. Pulling back, Squishy lowers his arm and looks to his friends)
Squishy: Guys, I just talked with Entrepreneur!
Cope: We know; we heard your half of the conversation.
Jo: What did he want?
Squishy: He wanted to warn us about who we're facing. He's called the Naturalist, and he's going to fight us like The End in MGS3. As in we need to look for him.
Will: Okay, that's more my style.
Anna: Long, exhausting and potentially tedious to the extreme, Will?
Cope: And we're likely going to be shot at the whole while.
Squishy: Entré wasn't specific about that: just that he's going to use the environment against us. And that's also how we'll find him.
Sara: Vague hints really are the best.
Anna: They truly are.
Jo: We're very exposed up here. We can gripe later when we get to the bottom.
Cope: Preferably after finding some cover.
(The Jedi take to a path off to the side that leads down from the precipice. As they descend, the rifle scope drops from a face agleam with sweat, wearing goggle-like specs under damp wavy hair flattened under a bucket hat)
Naturalist: Yep, they're going ahead. Of course they are; like they'd be intimidated by that. (Groan) It's just not my day. (He looks over and gently pats a random Shoebill stork) Grant me focus, most venerable Balaeniceps rex.
(He gets up and runs while the bird clatters to itself. Meanwhile, our heroes are more than halfway down)
Will: Keep close to the rock face.
(Some more descending later they're at the base of the cliff, standing before a wide, green and open field)
Jo: Alright, where should we go from here?
Will: He'll probably be set up someplace with high elevation and a clear view, so I'm betting those peaks over there. (He points to the near distant snow-capped mountains) Luckily they don't look that far off.
Sara: And there's a forest right by the foot of them. That should give us plenty of cover.
Squishy: But that's a lot of open ground between it and us.
Jo: So we run for it, plain and simple.
(As they're talking, a reticle focuses on the group, steadies, and there's a "poof". Suddenly Cope yells out)
Sara: Alex, what is it?
Cope: Just got bit by a mosquito. (He's rubbing his shoulder, then pulls something from it) The h***..?
(It looks like a dart with a blinking red sphere on one end. Before anyone can speak up, there's a caw and down from above a raven flaps over Cope, lashing out with beak and talons)
Cope: Ah what the f*** get away!
(Sara manages to get out her saber and ward off the bird after it lands a few scratches on Cope's fingers)
Squishy: The heck was that about?
Jo: Dunno, but Alex's clearly been hit. We gotta move! (Breaks into a run, followed by the others)
Anna: Don't dawdle, Squish!
Squishy: I-I won't!
(They all break for the field. Elsewhere, the reticle frantically tries to keep track)
Naturalist: Oh no no no, don't do that! Why didn't I shoot more, darn it darn it!
(The Jedi keep sprinting for a few seconds before Cope lets out another cry as a dart hits his calf)
Cope: Gah, I've been hit again!
(Suddenly something fuzzy pops out of the ground and clutches his leg)
Cope: Ahhhhh, gopher attack!
(He hops and hobbles and pivots, trying to shake the varmint off while keeping up with the others)
Jo: Stay on guard! We're almost there!
(Everyone pulls out their lightsabers and hold them close as they scan for the next attack. Cope manages to kick off the gopher and gets back to full running speed, catching up to the others as they dive under the tree cover of the forest's edge. They plant themselves against various trunks, trying to stay out of sight)
Jo: Anyone else get hit?
Sara: No.
Squishy: I'm good.
Jo: Alex, you feeling okay?
Cope: Apart from being out of breath and needlessly startled, yeah I'm fine.
Jo: Not feeling drowsy, sick, anything?
Cope: Not so far.
Jo: Okay. We got ourselves some breathing room at least. This canopy should keep us safe.
(Another dart hits Cope's shoulder)
Cope: Gah! What the freak?
Will: There must be a break in the trees!
(Sure enough, there's an opening of blue amid the ceiling of green overhead. And from that very same green, a squirrel drops down and grabs onto Cope's head)
Cope: Agh d***it get off me!
(He smacks and claws at the pest as it scrambles and nips around his upper extremities before leaping off onto a low branch)
Cope: Why the h*** are the wildlife attacking me? It's bad enough I seem to be the only one taking hits!
Squishy: Wait, that must be it!
Anna: What is?
Squishy: Every time you got hit by a dart, some animal attacked you. Those darts must be tags that mark you as a target for them!
Sara: That must be what he meant by "using the environment".
Anna: Real weird, indirect way of doing things.
Cope: Not to mention annoying as h***: getting shot and assaulted.
Will: On the bright side, we basically confirmed our shooter is up those slopes. That's the only place he could've made that shot through so high an opening.
Cope: Well that's a fine enough bit of consolation for my woes.
Jo: We can end those woes quickly if we hurry up to those slopes. Just have to move quickly and stick to the densest foliage.
Will: I'll take point. Stick close.
(Swiftly Will goes deeper into the forest with the other Jedi following. They go from tree to tree, never staying on empty ground for long while keeping an eye open for any other openings through the leaves. After some minutes of speedy forest romping, Will ducks behind a bush that marks the edge of the forest. He looks out to the area beyond as the others join him)
Will: That can't be right.
Cope: What is it?
Will: When we first saw this forest, it went to the base of the mountain. But from here it looks like it takes up half the slope.
(Looking out, we see a slope with the sparse vegetation, boulders and craggy pits you'd usually find higher up on a mountain)
Squishy: Could be spatial distortion at work, compressing all this land into a small area.
Anna: It saves us a climb at least.
Jo: Alright, I'm seeing plenty of hiding spots. Which do you think he's in, Will?
Will: If I had to venture a guess, he may well be… (A dart pops up on Cope's chest) Dead ahead.
Cope: Seriously?
(There's a grumbling and a rustling, and looking behind, the group see a heaving mass of fur, teeth and claws charging at them)
Squishy: BEEEAR!
(Cope breaks from cover and runs away from the ursid as it barrels past our heroes after the lanky Jedi)
Will: Come on, while we have the chance!
(The others dash out. Cope keeps running for his life with the bear hot on his heels, his desperate flight not even slowed down by a fresh dart to the arm. He does have the sense of mind to look over to the right in time to spot the mountain lion snarling and leaping from a nearby rock, and lets out a wail of terror as he steps sideways to avoid the pounce. He dances away from the feline before leaping onto and clinging to a rock formation, allowing the two predators to face each other. A brief yet ferocious confrontation arises before they break off and go their separate ways. The other Jedi arrive shortly after, signalling Cope to drop down from his hiding spot)
Jo: Wow, that was hairy in all the ways. You doing okay?
Cope: No! Why am I the only one getting hit and dealing with this crap?
Squishy: Because you're the tallest?
Cope: Well screw you and f*** him! (Draws lightsaber) The moment I find him, I'm shoving that rifle of his down his throat!
(He stomps off waving his saber around)
Sara: Oh no, he needs to calm down.
Will: But he's got the right idea. The guy won't have time to run or shoot if we're quick enough.
Anna: Then let's get hunting!
(The group disperses and begins searching the rocks with weapons drawn. They scour every boulder, crevice, ditch and shrub, but after minutes of frantic searching they turn up nothing)
Jo: Where the freak is he?
Squishy: Could he be higher up?
Will: It's all open ground up there. We'd see him easily if he went there.
Cope: Then where else can he possibly be? (Takes a dart to the hip) Oh son of a—!
(A mountain ram charges in and butts him in the waist, knocking him several yards over a cliff edge that he barely manages to grab. Anna and Sara hurry over to pull him up while the ram skips merrily away)
Will: The angle of that shot, it must have come from the… coastline?
(Turn to look down a steep slope that leads to a rocky shore loaded with tide pools and foamy surf)
Sara: How could he have gotten down there? We didn't see anything in that direction, did we?
Anna: Unless he blended with the ground like some freaky chameleon, or ran obscenely fast.
Squishy: It really is like fighting The End.
Cope: That guy was nowhere as frustrating as this a**hole, and I'm seriously gonna rip him a new one. Let's get down there.
Sara: But we have to be careful.
Cope: Why? The more we stall, the more time he'll have to run, or— (Dart to the shoulder) Land another dart godd—
(This time a stellar sea eagle swoops in and attacks the Jedi, who backs away trying to wave it off, his heel catching against a rock and tripping him. He falls onto a long sheet of bark, which takes off down the slope with its yelling passenger)
Squishy: Huh. That's lucky.
Jo: Alright, we follow his lead and get to the coast pronto.
(Everyone nods and picks up a conveniently-placed strip of bark, then take to the slope on their makeshift sleds. Cope meanwhile zips uncontrollably down the mountain and to the bumpy rocks of the shoreline, bouncing violently before flipping off his "board" and landing in a shallow pool of seawater. He gets up sputtering and shaking when everybody else comes to a graceful stop nearby)
Cope: Bleh! Salty!
Anna: Well yeah, Alex, it's the ocean.
Cope: I'm in no mood for smart-alecky remarks, Anna!
Jo: Everyone spread out, keep low and search every nook and cranny. And keep them eyes peeled for any movement.
(Another search ensues, with everyone crawling among the rocks and tidal pools for some time. As Squishy lifts up a rock and frees a scuttling hermit crab)
Squishy: I don't see anything Embodiment-like.
Will: There's practically zilch in terms of hiding spots for a grown man, big or small. Meaning he must've left.
Sara: But we saw nothing, not even on the way down.
Jo: He had to have split after that last shot.
Cope: And the coward's probably still running, seeing how none of us have been hit in a while. (Dart to the neck) Oh come on!
(A giant Pacific octopus springs out of nowhere and wraps around Cope's face, who muffles in anger and surprise as he rolls about trying to yank it off. The hidden assailant chuckles at the distant struggle)
Naturalist: Yes. Never underestimate the suctiony fury of Enteroctopus dofleini.
(With Will's help the mollusk is detached and flung into the surf, allowing Cope to breathe with a harried look on his face)
Cope: F***ing, no. (To Will) Where did, it come from, that time?
Will: Ehhhh, it seemed to have come somewhere across that field.
(We look to see a familiar-looking stretch of plains)
Squishy: Isn't that where we came from? You mean we have to go back where we started?
Jo: A wily, slippery b****rd he is. Come on and pull yourself together, Alex. He can't outrun us forever.
Cope: Try taking an octopus to the face with a beak going for your nose you d***.
Anna: Save the rage for that sweet revenge, dear.
(Again our heroes go out in pursuit, and time and again they're foiled [at Cope's expense]. Going full circle, and even looping back around, they [Cope] are met with attacks by bulls, beavers, snakes, eels, monkeys, muskrats, owls, and one floppy elephant seal. Eventually the group hunker down in a copse of trees to rest after much fruitless searching)
Anna: Finally: a rest for my dogs.
Squishy: I hear ya. But how can one guy be so elusive? We've been about everywhere.
Will: Absolutely no tracks or markings; no indication of his whereabouts except for his shots. It's like he's one with the environment.
Cope: And that environment is trying to be one with me. (Flicks off a lingering piranha on his robe) I mean, this is stupid: it's only been me getting hit. Every single dart, just for me. Why not any of you? Squishy's been moving so slowly he's practically an easy target.
Squishy: Hey!
Jo: Cool it, Alex. This is probably his way of breaking us apart.
Sara: That's right. Lay the stress on one person and have them explode, hurting the rest.
Cope: But seriously, why only me?
Anna: Well, given how testy you're being…
Cope: You know what? I'll ask him! (Gets up from cover) Hey! A**hole! Why not try hitting another of my teammates? Surely you've gotten bored with seeing only me get humiliated!
You should have left when you had the chance! Your misery is solely your doing!
Cope: Says the guy with the long-range firearm! How about taking us head on and just be done with it, ya p***y!
(A dart hits his chest, summoning a swarm of bees to chase him around the trees while the others hold council)
Sara: He could also be wearing us down by having us chase him. I don't think his kind needs to eat or sleep, but we do.
Will: Food won't be a problem in this place, but if we get too fatigued and drop our guard completely…
Squishy: We might wind up being fed to crocodiles while we sleep. (Shudders)
Jo: Then we find him before that happens. Squish mentioned using the environment to our advantage, so let's focus on figuring that out instead.
Sara: Good idea.
(Cope has managed to ward off the bees, his anger further incensed)
Cope: Raaah! Forget what I said when we came here: nature is overrated! This whole place can be flattened and replaced with condominiums. Ugly condominiums! Or just put a torch to the whole thing and be done with it! (In fury he snatches a centipede from a tree and tosses it to the ground) Like with this freakshow of legs!
(He stomps hard with a nasty, squishy crunch. Naturalist stiffens as his eyes widen over his scope)
Naturalist: NOOOOO! Voracious yet misunderstood Scolopendra gigantea! He was innocent, you monster!
Cope: He lives in your domain, so he shares the weight of your crimes, jackass!
Will: Hold on, that sounded different.
Squishy: Yeah. It wasn't all omniscient, surround-soundy.
Sara: More like… distant yelling.
Anna: Near distant yelling…
(Everybody looks to one another. Jo notices a frog by his resting spot, and after a thought he brings down his fist on the amphibian, squashing it into mush)
Naturalist: AAAAAAHH! Why did you do that? That Ceratophrys cranwelli was minding her own business!
Sara: That... definitely sounded within shouting range.
(After a brief pause, Cope draws his lightsaber and slices a passing butterfly)
Naturalist: WAAAHH! Oh majestic bypassing Danaus plexippus, cut down so needlessly!
(Everyone comes to the same quiet realization)
Jo: Alright. Let us move accordingly.
(They all nod and arise, moving cautiously but with purpose. They head in the direction of the shout, making "checks" to adjust their bearings. Examples include Will smashing a gecko)
Naturalist: EYAAAH! Eublepharis macularius, you were barely matured!
(Sara crushing a sea snail)
Naturalist: Aaaaaaaaah, humble Neverita didyma, never to taste the ocean ever again!
(Anna beheading a sloth)
Naturalist: Gentle, inoffensive Bradypus variegatus, to have your simple life ended so cruelly!
(Jo sticking an alpaca)
Naturalist: Vicugna pacos, NOOO! The highlands weep for you!
(Squishy cutting down a curious macaw)
Naturalist: How your vibrant feathers run red with expiration, fair Ara ararauna!
(Then finally, Cope stomping hard on something quite distinct in a jungle clearing)
Naturalist: AGGH! The tender yet versatile appendage of Homo sapien. (Pulls back to reveal the man lying underfoot) By which I mean, my hand!
(Everyone yells as the Embodiment springs up to his feet, clutching his rifle against the safari vest he has on. He's of average height, wearing socks with sandals, and is looking a bit sweaty/flustered from the humidity, as well as from engaging in direct human conversation)
Cope: Finally found you, you thorn in my a**! Gimme that!
(Cope snatches the timid fellow's rifle, who reaches out feebly as the Jedi smashes it across a knee and tosses the pieces aside)
Cope: Your reign of terror on my person is at an end.
Naturalist: I-I'm sorry I only kept hitting you! I'm out of practice when it comes to guns, and you were the only one I could make out clearly, on account of you being tall as you are.
Squishy: Hey, that's what I said.
Jo: Either way, there will be no more animal shenanigans out of you, Naturalist.
Naturalist: Wait, how do you know my name? Who told you?
Anna: It's not exactly hard to figure out given your surroundings, nature boy.
Naturalist: Well, I suppose not. And it's the very same reason I want to be left alone. I didn't even want to deal with you, but my prominence made it necessary, even though I kept telling everyone that it has nothing to do with dealing with people. No one wants to listen to me, and why should they? Arrogant, messy Embodiments who don't even try to recycle when given the chance.
Cope: Great: not only is he a coward, but he's also a whiny wimp, just like Demyx.
Squishy: Except Demyx wasn't a wimp. Plus we just beat a guitar-user.
Naturalist: H-hey, my complaints are valid! Every single one of us came from the same earthy bosom as the "lowliest" creature; we all played a role in the ecosystem, no differently from the hare or the salmon or the wolf. Yet here we are, destroying the very planet that nurtured us, because that's what it means to be "civilized". Because of short-sighted demands for comfort and cost-cutting business practices, the world gets ravaged and polluted and steadily proceeds down the path of catastrophic breakdown. Droughts, hurricanes, unprecedented wildfires and rising ocean temperatures. Yet even with all those warning signs, those real-world disasters that are happening right now, everyone just carries on, thinking it'll go away if you just ignore it. Well it won't, and I'm sick of it!
Jo: Hey dude, we didn't come looking for you for a lecture. We just want to get out of here and see your boss.
Will: Yeah, so take it down a notch, Green Peace, and let us pass. Save all of us the trouble.
Naturalist: Y-you know what? No! I can't get a word in with the others, but I will not be belittled by people who aren't even real! You don't have to worry about environmental backlash or dwindling resources or severe climate change. You just get everything you want, living an idealized existence with no consequences whatsoever! Your imaginary adventures distract actual people from facing what's right outside. You're part of the reason why nobody has any urgency to preserve the planet!
Sara: It's not our fault what people choose to do—
Naturalist: And another thing: I won't tolerate you murdering innocent animals on a whim! So that settles it! For the sake of all those who cannot speak, who have suffered in silence for centuries and will continue suffering, I will step forward and deliver justice. And when I eradicate you, the others and Master will start taking me seriously. Then true progress can begin!
Anna: Yeah whatever. And how exactly are you going to do that, Lorax? You did a piss-poor job holding onto your weapon.
Naturalist: (Adjusting his specs with a grave look) Mother Earth provides.
("The 13th Dilemma" plays as Naturalist widens his stance and motions with his arms)
From the firmament of creation, I call forth the life-giving soil.
(The earth trembles, rich dark soil rising up into clouds like steam)
Through flames borne from the planet's very heart, purity is achieved.
(Fissures burst and erupt, spewing trails of fire that ignite the dirt clouds)
Rejuvenating waters of sea and air to temper and shape.
(Thunder rolls as rain pours down, rapidly cooling the fiery clouds into six long metal staves)
The very breath of the Earth to add the fatal edge and grant me wings.
(A fierce wind blows into the clearing and swirls around the lances, polishing them and sharpening the ends into pointed tips. As the wind raises him, Naturalist grabs two of the newly-formed weapons with a flourish)
By the four elements, the enemies of Nature meet judgment.
Gaea Spears
(He strikes an intimidating pose, held aloft in a whirlwind with the four other spears poised to strike like vipers)
Squishy: Ohhhhhh. He's a Xaldin-type.
Cope: And his a** is getting kicked the same way.
(The Jedi light their sabers and get ready to rumble. Naturalist kicks it off by launching into the warriors' midst, locking spears with Will and Jo as the others disperse. Cope comes from behind him, his lightsaber intercepted by a floating spear, the pause allowing its owner to push away the other two. Naturalist swipes at them then whirls away from any retaliation, floating over toward Squishy. The Jawa tries a rising slash against the approaching ecologist, who shifts back before slamming a spear shaft into his attacker's side. Squishy grabs it instead and rides the swing, but is shaken and tossed aside. Sara catches him while Anna charges past, Naturalist facing her and lining up three spears above him that plunge forward like a trident. Anna deflects and pivots around the strike as Sara and Squishy rush past her. The spears retract over Naturalist's head as he engages the two combatants with the weapons in hand, while his other spears zip about to intercept the attackers coming from behind. Jo, Cope and Will slip past these warding attacks to close the distance, but all the spears join up and form behind their master, taking the shape of bat wings that flap to carry him away from the converging heroes. Landing some yards away, Naturalist has his spears line up over him and fire off individually like arrow bolts, forcing the Jedi to run to avoid getting skewered. With them out of sorts, Naturalist twists about before dashing on a burst of wind and throwing out his extended spears like a reverse pincer, knocking away the closer Jedi. Almost immediately he raises a spear before him to catch Jo's lightsaber, locking him in place)
Jo: Pretty swift moves there for a hippie.
Naturalist: It'd be swifter if you just die.
(Jo glances quickly before stepping away from the two spears coming from either side. When he stops, two spears plant in the ground before him and tear up the dirt with tremendous force, launching up Jo with it. Naturalist fires a spear at the clump, blowing it into a cloud of soil and barely missing Jo, though it sends him tumbling back to the ground. Naturalist then swings around to engage with Cope, then bats away Sara before re-engaging with Cope. Behind him, two spears press against Anna like chopsticks, then lift and drive her overhead onto Cope. Squishy tries rushing Naturalist, and he responds by sweeping a spear at the Jawa's feet. He leaps forward, only to be caught on a warding spear. He holds onto it though and goes all gymnast, swinging around it to hit Naturalist's chest with his feet, making him stumble backward into Will's flying dropkick. Naturalist goes down but he grabs a spear before hitting the dirt, which carries him high up to his other spears, which have formed into a leering snake formation. Atop the "head" spear, Naturalist looks down on his prey)
Naturalist: None of you have any right stepping into and disturbing this paradise.
(The "snake" rears back then strikes at the Jedi's feet, then retracts and repeats. Naturalist wields his own spear to ward off anyone who gets close, but Squishy and Will sneak around to the back of the serpent and try to yank it apart. The attempt causes the structure to collapse and reform into a massive claw that swipes at the two, catching the front of Squishy's robe and flicking him aside. When the others try to charge at him, Naturalist conjures several clumps of rock from the ground to serve as blockades as well as projectiles. Anna uses her lightning to blast the ones in her way and gets up to Naturalist and pushes against two of his spears. A thundercloud forms overhead and shoots a sizzling bolt down at her, making her leap away. Cope slips in and delivers blows, knocking away spears but is driven back by plumes of lava that shoot up from the ground)
Naturalist: Your arrogant and inconsiderate actions with regards to your environment need to disappear!
(Heavy rain falls and extinguishes the lava, creating thick steam clouds. The Jedi hold still and wary in the sweltering fog, until Cope notices and dodges a thrust, only to get bowled over by a broad swipe. He falls on his back, and gets held there by a sandal planted hard on his chest)
Naturalist: You call me coward, but you fight with manufactured, unnatural weaponry.
Cope: What do you call that gun? And those spears didn't exactly grow on trees.
(Right then Jo enters and scares Naturalist back into the fog, from whence spears emerge and jab. Jo has better luck dodging the sneaky attacks, grabbing one spear to get pulled to its owner. He keeps the Embodiment distracted as Cope follows to join the fray, along with Squishy jumping on the Embodiment's shoulders. The Naturalist does a flip to dislodge the Jawa, then brings his spears to form a cage around him that erupts in a burst to push away his attackers and dissipate the steam. The air cleared, he glares at the heroes who are still raring to go)
Naturalist: You laud condominiums, space stations, luxurious resorts, technical marvels and modern comforts, not understanding the damage they cause.
(Sweep of the hand and vines and stalks shoot out from all around the clearing. Squishy and Sara get entangled while the rest sidestep and chop the foliage away, before Naturalist side-canters in with spears primed. He thrusts at Jo, pokes at Anna, swipes Will, misses and blocks Cope, twirls through a curtain of vines to avoid further attacks, swings himself away from Anna, has palm fronds absorb a lightning burst, then sits on a hammock of greenery to rise out of the thickening zone. However, Will uses a length of vine as a rope to climb and pursue him, while Squishy rides a growing stalk from another angle. The two reach and converge on the trickster botanist, who swirls around trying to lose them before cutting down their supports with a spear swipe. Sara tosses her lightsaber up at him which gets batted away, but the distraction allows a flying Cope to dive kick a spear into its owner's back. A wind gust catches Naturalist during his fall and carries him toward the edge of the clearing, as all the extra plant life wither and return to the earth)
Naturalist: Still you rebel against nature, resist its ancient design for your own selfish ends.
Sara: That's right!
Anna: Ain't nothing stopping us, be it heaven or earth!
Naturalist: (Sneers) But what of the destructive wastes of your own making? HYAAAH!
(His spears fire out and plant themselves around the perimeter of the clearing, vibrating intensely enough to let out a growing whine that steadily shakes the air. As it reaches a deafening pitch, the entire clearing explodes upwards in a volcanic eruption that launches everyone into the sky like screaming, flailing rockets. In seconds they escape the lower atmosphere and go further and further up, well past the clouds and into the darkening blue of the world's outermost edge before breaching into the black, starry field beyond. Only then do the Jedi decelerate and come to a stop, floating themselves upright and noting the utter lack of suffocation on their part. None have the time to say anything before Naturalist rises onto the scene with arms crossed like a menacing orbital frame, spears fanned out behind him like a cloak)
Naturalist: Now "heroes of justice", Behold!
(Everybody gets reoriented so that the planet below "rises" before them, and the view is breathtaking for the wrong reasons. The entire globe is covered in a murky, oily cloud of shifting, roiling smog that mars the blue of the planet like a black rot)
Naturalist: This is the byproduct of your thoughtless, insatiable drive to "progress" and expansion! Carbon emissions which accumulate, thicken, and literally choke the life from the world. And that's exactly what I will use to end you.
(He holds up his hands, causing his spears to reassemble overhead into a rotary fan formation that spins. The spinning acts as a vacuum, making the tons of miasma covering the planet rise, funnel and meander toward the Embodiment)
Naturalist: Taste of your own hubris and begone from existence!
(The smog reaches and gathers over Naturalist, forming a terrible, pulsating cloud of pestilent death. It grows and grows, expanding to engulf the Embodiment and threatening to do the same to our heroes. But then there's a sudden cough, followed by several others. The smog cloud stops expanding and breaks apart, revealing Naturalist doubled over and hacking up a storm)
Naturalist: *Huogh Hacg Kuhhf* Too thick, oh god, *Cuof Cough* That was a bad idea, *More exaggerated coughs*
Cope: Grab his spears!
(The Jedi sprint forward, each one grabbing a spear while their owner's telekinetic grip is weakened. The abrupt theft snaps Naturalist out of his coughing fit, but only in time to take a spear smack to the face. Our brave heroes proceed to smack and jab and slash the breathless Embodiment around with his own weapons, battering him like a yelping hockey puck. Finally, everyone syncs up, pulls back, and drives the spears into Naturalist for a finishing blow. Everything freezes for a second, then it all bursts into white)
(Everyone lands gently near the crest of a broad and grassy hilltop, followed shortly by Naturalist, who hits the exact center hard, spread eagle on his back. Five of his spears follow and plant themselves inches from each of his extremities, forming the points of a star. All falls silent, save for a light breeze, the Jedi looking at Naturalist, who looks tiredly up at the sky. Eventually, he lets out a huff, and "Life's End" plays)
Naturalist: Looks like that's it.
Cope: Are you serious?
Naturalist: Yeah; I can hardly move. I'm really not cut out for fighting like the others.
Jo: You could have fooled us.
Sara: The way you fought was really graceful, like the wind.
Naturalist: But I was botched by my big finisher, and style means little if I can't take the hits. (Another huff, a pause) It's so peaceful now. It reminds me of a place that no longer exists, that was called "Gateway Gardens". Trees everywhere; everything within walking distance; the seasons in perfect balance. A wonderful place for a child to flourish in body and spirit… and it's now an industrial park. Why would anyone trade that for highrises and highways? For needless complexities?
Will: It might be that they didn't have a choice? People have to keep up with the times, y'know.
Anna: And you can't exactly feed and house billions of people solely on an agrarian lifestyle. That's literally impossible.
Naturalist: But steps could have been taken early on to reduce impact. The world was already a work of art. Why must we persist in ruining it?
Cope: As I said, nature's overrated.
Squishy: Preservation can only be done through communication and understanding. You blame people for destroying all this beauty, and I agree with you to an extent, but you can't achieve anything without cooperation. You have to educate people rather than see them as the enemy. If you stick with that, they'll come around eventually.
Will: Wishful thinking, dude.
Jo: Very wishful thinking.
Naturalist: They're right. The ones who can make any real change are far too detached to even pretend to care. It's too exhausting to think about it. Too depressing. I think I'll just… rest, instead. (He raises a hand to the vast, endless blue) This really is... a wonderful view to go out on.
(The last spear drops and plunges into Naturalist's chest, the abruptness making everybody wince. The Embodiment disintegrates in a combination of steam, smoke and ash that is summarily blown away, along with the six spears that rust and dissolve into nothingness. The hilltop and sky melt away as well, leaving the Jedi standing in a sparse, square room of sterile off-white)
Cope: Seems to have been a Holo-Deck we've been running around in.
Anna: Thank god for that; that saves us the trouble of having to find the exit.
Sara: He sounded so sad right there at the end. I feel kinda sorry for him.
Will: It couldn't be helped, honey.
Jo: Welp, yet another guardian down, people. Four-to-zilch and still (mostly) intact. (He pats his hands and plants his fists against his waist. He takes a moment to look around curiously) Where's Entré? He should be here congratulating us with backhanded compliments.
Squishy: He said he's being watched closely by the other Embodiments, so he won't be coming to see us again. At least, not until it's time to face him.
Will: That gives me the impression that he'll serve as the second-to-last boss of this place.
Sara: Or third.
Cope: Typical. At least we won't have to deal with him holding us up after every one of these fights.
Squishy: But he also won't be giving us any more hints or help from here on out.
Jo: Which means we just have to give it even more of our all for the others. Anyway, let's press forward.
(They head to the door directly across from them, and enter the first checkpoint of the upper levels)
Naturalist
DEFEATED
(It's into a more rectangular box-shaped room they enter, and as they walk the Duelist swings down from behind on a rope and drops smoothly before the heroes)
Duelist: Well done well done, most tenacious Jedi. That's five of our number (really four) that have fallen before your determination. An excellent start here in the upper reaches of our sanctum.
Anna: Yeah yeah, can we get this over with? We're on a tight schedule.
Duelist: Certainly, Anna. And you'll be delighted to know that it is you who shall face me this round.
Anna: Swell. So what'll it be? Darts? Tennis? Roshambo?
Duelist: For this duel, you'll be further delighted to know that it's keeping more in line with your combat abilities, and that all of you are very intimate with. I'm speaking, of course, of fencing.
(A slate of floor to the left opens and up rises a stand holding two silvery fencing swords. Duelist goes over and takes one up, pushing at the rounded tip and bending the blade)
Duelist: All of you are well-versed in the fundamentals and practical applications, with you fair lady being quite the powerhouse. At least, in her younger days.
Anna: I still am, wise-a**. And going with the age angle is a really stupid move on your part.
Duelist: I didn't mean to goad or insult. I simply meant you were more vivaciously violent. The years have no doubt calmed you down and given you a steadier, more precise, masterful hand.
Anna: That it has, and it's going to own your butt. (Takes up other sword)
Duelist: This will be foil-style fencing, and you may be amused to hear that the piste will be the entirety of the room, barring the use of levitation or inverted gravity, of course. Three hits will mark the victor, and in lieu of a referee we will go with the honor system: simply announce when you land a hit. Your comrades can serve as judges. Does that sound acceptable?
Anna: It does. Honorable type that you are, I don't have to worry about you making bogus calls, correct?
Duelist: Certainly not. Now, to our positions.
(The two move and take position several feet apart, then face each other)
Duelist: Salute. (The combatants hold up their respective swords) En garde. (They assume the ready en garde stance, swords poised) Ready? (Some seconds) Fence!
(They engage in a flash and fill the air with rapid clatterings in an instant. There's no pause for assessment: they become a flurry of parries, thrusts and ripostes, shifting position by a few steps back and forth. After a few seconds Anna makes a daring thrust that bypasses Duelist's blade and lands the tip of hers on his left breast)
Anna: Hit!
Duelist: Well-landed.
(They resume, Anna pushing forward more aggressively, emboldened by her lead. Duelist moves backwards while withstanding the assault, keeping his cool as he matches each strike. He decides to circle around to his right, leading Anna in a slow clattering turn as he looks for an opening. One comes up, as he catches her on the left torso for the brief moment it's left open)
Duelist: Hit!
(Anna shudders but presses the exchange, slowing down her attacks. This causes Duelist to go on the offensive, although with less tenacity than his opponent showed. More turning ensues, the fencers circling one another slowly around the room, never averting their eyes from each other. The Jedi watch this waltz of flimsy iron in rapt attention, although Squishy keenly notices the stairs rising up behind Duelist, who ascends them backwards without slowing his steps)
Squishy: Hey, that shouldn't be—
Jo: Shush! They're in the zone.
(Anna follows her opponent upward, unmindful of the ivory steps they have both taken to. As more steps rise to meet Duelist's feet, he leads Anna up several meters before halting to dodge a jab, then thrusts one downward into Anna's right shoulder)
Duelist: Hit!
Anna: Frick!
(Immediately the two leap sideways off the stairs onto a feast-laden table that has appeared inexplicably below. A rousing battle jig plays as the pair kick away silverware and lavish foods in their combative procession along the narrow table. After making a considerable mess for some feet, Duelist hops gracefully over to a smaller, more wobbly round table, then backs over onto a leaning barrel when Anna follows. Now the both of them fence and step over a length of various narrow objects that sway around as though bobbing in stormy waters, occasionally stopping and leaning back and forth to press an advantage for themselves. Eventually Duelist plants his feet on two separate mooring pylons, granting him stable footing. But Anna gets one over him [literally] by flipping high over to a hobby horse behind him, spinning about and putting her sword tip into his gut once he pivots around)
Anna: Hit!
(No compliments or remarks this time as the Embodiment presses ahead onto the narrow beam, following Anna over onto the tilted foredeck of a "sunken" ship. They move ever higher, along the prow and onto a hanging gangway that's set before a massive window overlooking a glorious sunset. It is here they halt and duel in place, clashing their metal before a glorious, otherworldly warmth. In the heat of their exchange they both pull back and thrust at the same instant. The music ceases; everything goes stock still. Anna and Duelist hold rigid, staring into each other's eyes. Panning down, we see Duelist's sword is holding some inches away from Anna's side. Anna's, however, is pressed firmly against her opponent's chest)
Anna: Hit.
(Duelist, after a moment, softens his face and nods in concession)
Duelist: And that is match.
(The window and sunset disappear as the gangway lowers to the ground. The Jedi, having been fixated on the action, let out some whoops of victory and relief over such a dramatic finish. Back on the floor, Duelist steps back and places his sword on the newly-risen stand beside him, and Anna does so as well)
Duelist: A most vigorous, thrilling exchange, Anna. It's quite daunting to face a true master in the field, and I'm happy I held my own as well as I did. Honestly, I'm filled with this exciting notion to test myself against all of you in similar fashion. But, repetition would take away the mystique of my challenges, so continue speculating over what I have planned further ahead. That is, if you are able to move forward, of course. Fare thee well, mistress and assembled swordsmen of valor.
(He brings up his hat to tip it, then grabs a dangling rope and up and away he goes. The rest of the Jedi group around their victorious den mother)
Jo: You alright, Anna? That was close.
Anna: It was, but boy was that a rush! I haven't done formal sword fighting like that in decades. I forgot how intense and zeroed-in it was. I mean just… wow.
Sara: It looked really fun. We should do some fencing for funsies when we get everything back.
Will: Heh, maybe have a little sparring contest between us. See which of us has been doing actual Jedi combat drills during downtime.
Jo: Not your domesticated self, I guarantee.
Squishy: Yeah. That would be fun. (He steps forward with head raised, speaking dreamily, longingly) All of us, Sylvia and the kids, a fencing league on Coruscant. It could even be a barbecue. (He looks to his friends) A real fine get-together, huh guys?
(They smile)
Sara: The finest, Squishy.
Cope: Courtesy of the head caterer of creation.
Anna: So let's get to his office and put him to work.
Squishy: Okay!
(Bolstered by this fresh incentive, the Jedi proceed to the next room, and an even more peculiar setting)
(It's a vast forest of smooth marble columns rather than greenery that meet them, all rising thirty feet to the ceiling and densely packed, yet evenly spaced to allow some meandering allowance)
Anna: Sheesh! It's like the local quarry had a serious backlog on pillars. What nutso would even want this many?
Cope: It does a good job messing with your eyes.
Will: Ideal for an ambush.
Jo: So we head carefully to the other side. Our nutso is bound to announce himself shortly.
(With caution they enter the cluster of stone, keeping a close eye on every pillar they pass. Elsewhere, two fingers pinch a dimmer switch and bring it to the lowest setting, plunging the entire space into darkness)
Squishy: Gah! He's announcing himself!
Jo: Sabers out! Keep close!
(Six lightsabers bloom in the dark, illuminating a wary group of Jedi as they scan what little surroundings they can see)
Jo: Anyone sense anything?
Cope: No.
Anna: Nada.
Squishy: I don't hear anything either besides us.
Jo: Okay. Just keep moving, and keep watching. Shout the moment something feels off.
(They move very slowly, their backs to each other in order to catch any sign of movement from the murk. Meanwhile, a hand grips a switch and throws it down. There's a low thunk, and suddenly there's only two lightsabers defying the darkness)
Anna: Jo, did you hear that? Jo? (Looks around) Ah frip.
Sara: What did you hear, Anna…? (Notices) The guys are gone!
Anna: Keep it cool. Did you feel or notice anything?
Sara: No. I just heard this thump. Where could they have gone?
Anna: Let's just get up to this pillar.
(They hurry and press their backs against the closest pillar, holding out their sabers to better light the space before them)
Anna: Something had to have grabbed them, likely from above.
Sara: But it could've been a trap door, given that sound.
Anna: That as well. Meaning boobytraps. Terrific.
Sara: But just the one catching all the guys?
Anna: Dumb luck on our part, maybe? Anyway, we need to get to the outer wall. Hopefully find a light switch, or at the very least give our trapper less room to jump us.
Sara: Which way should we go?
Anna: Any direction. I don't want to keep standing here waiting to get picked off.
?: Hello? Jedi?
(The ladies point their sabers in the direction of the whisper. A sphere of deep red light bobs a short distance from them, and beside that they can vaguely make out the shape of someone)
?: Ah, thank goodness I found you.
Anna: Who are you? An Embodiment?
?: Don't be alarmed. I'm a friend; I came here to help you.
Anna: You didn't fully answer my question, bub!
?: I am an Embodiment, but not the one assigned to stop you. He's lurking here somewhere. Close by, I venture.
Sara: Who is he, exactly?
Embody: We mustn't stay here. I can answer your questions, but I urge you to follow me before he strikes.
Anna: Follow you where?
Embody: To safety, of course. Now please, let's make haste. I'm perfectly harmless.
(Coming to an unspoken decision, Sara and Anna follow the "friend" into the darkened pillar maze. Some minutes of following the bobbing red of the lantern's light brings them to what appears to be a wall, but a jingle of keys and a click reveals a door in the edifice)
Embody: In here, quickly.
(He slips in, the ladies close behind. The door is promptly shut, and instantly light gently fills up the hidden space, revealing a large round foyer encircled by two curving sets of stairs that go up to a landing across from the door. The samaritan meanwhile hangs up his lantern on a hook by the door, then his cloak on a separate hook)
Embody: There we are, safe and sound. (Faces ladies) Welcome to my humble estate, ladies. I am the Romanticist: Embodiment of Love and, well, Romance.
(The man is of average height but a good healthy thin build that's mostly covered by a silk burgundy smoking jacket and matching slacks. His hair is flattened and crisply curved with the reflective sheen of gel, and his glasses are of the halved reading variety, though more for looks than function)
Anna: Lemme guess: you're in charge of your Master's love life, huh?
Romanticist: Yes… if there actually was one. He's quite the loner, so I'm more the bearer of His romantic notions and happy little fancies of what His special someone could be. It's a lonely post, as you can imagine. Further compounded by living here in this manor all on my own.
Sara: Weird there'd be a manor of this size set in an enclosed room.
Romanticist: It's really quite small as far as manors go. And there's no restriction on how we Embodiments arrange our quarters. I just happen to be one of the few who likes living in something… livable. (Clasps hands) But where are my manners, waggling my tongue in this musty foyer. I can treat you to a proper welcome up in the sitting room, if you'll just follow me.
(He heads for the stairs on the right and ascends as Anna rushes to the bottom step)
Anna: You said you were gonna tell us about that thing out there!
Romanticist: And I will, Anna love, but I find talk more digestible when sitting comfortably, and after all you've been through you two could surely use a rest, yes?
(Anna looks at Sara, gets a shrug, and shaking her head the two follow their host up the stairs and through the double doors on the landing. It's a decent-sized room of wall-to-wall oak paneling, with two loveseats and a marble table on the central Persian rug)
Romanticist: Have a seat, make yourselves comfortable. (After the ladies sit he walks over to a bar across the room) Would you ladies like some tea? Wine? Other refreshing beverages?
Anna: A little early in the acquaintanceship to casually imbibe, I'd say.
Sara: I could go for some tea, actually.
Anna: Then give me water. Iced.
(In no time, Romanticist comes bearing a tray with cups and a steaming teapot, which he places neatly on the table. As Anna takes up her glass, the Embody daintily pours Sara and himself some tea before sitting on the opposite loveseat)
Romanticist: Ahhh, such a delight, hosting something other than some unfilled rendezvous. It's dreadful what you're being put through: not only having your plane of existence wiped away, but being set upon like you were vermin. So cruel, ever cruel.
Sara: (Sips) Oooh, chamomile! You should really try this, Anna.
Romanticist: The Master's and my favorite. Well, it's tied with Earl Grey, though the floral bouquet really helps with relaxing. (Sips)
Anna: Uh-huh, I bet. (Slurp) So, about that nasty whatever roaming outside your overgrown bachelor pad.
Romanticist: Nasty would be right. Outright heinous, even; despicably filthy I'd go on to say. Were it my choice I'd have no association whatsoever with him, much less share the same "room". But the compartmentalizations of the Master decrees it to be, so… (Shrugs, sighs and sips)
Sara: What sort of person is he?
Romanticist: He's… an unsavory sort, to put it lightly. Dwells in the dark, planning horrid "forays", laying out traps to ensnare unsuspecting and unwilling participants. No doubt he's salivating over the nefarious opportunities your captive companions present. (Shudder)
Sara: Then shouldn't we be out there saving them instead of sitting here?
Anna: That's what I was about to say. (Gets up) Come on, we're late for a rescue!
Romanticist: Neh-neh-neh-not so fast. Apart from being full of insidious intent, he also has a particular type of restraint with his greed.
Anna: What does that mean?
Romanticist: He's unsatisfied with having just most of something. He wants to "play" with six Jedi, but he only has four. Until he has the full set, he'll just store away what he has and search relentlessly for the rest before he can begin his "fun". So by you being here out of his reach, you're preserving your friends from a most unspeakable fate.
Sara: But we still have to get out there and save them.
Romanticist: Of course, of course, but you will draw his attention the moment you step outside, and it will devastate my heart if you were to be lost so soon after I gave you shelter.
Sara: Then what do you propose we do?
Romanticist: I will go out to look for your friends. He pays no mind to me whatsoever, and I have a general idea of the placements of his traps. For those reasons I stand the better chance of rescuing the others without fail.
Anna: That's very noble of ya, but what are we supposed to do in the meantime? Lounge around and chug tea?
Romanticist: You certainly could. Alternatively, you could make use of my domicile's facilities to thoroughly freshen up. For example, how does a shower sound to you right now?
Anna: Come again?
(A very short time later, the Embodiment leads the two ladies to two wooden doors set in a sparse hallway)
Romanticist: Holding a similar regard to hygiene as the Master, I've made sure my washrooms are top of the line. (Opens one door to reveal a spacious room with separate ornate shower and bathtub, artesian sink, massive vanity mirror, and a modest toilet) You'll find a wide range of shampoos, conditioners, body washes, bath salts, loofahs and brushes to meet your cleansing needs and desires. The other door leads to a separate but equally stocked bathroom, so you don't need to take turns or surrender your privacy.
Sara: That all sounds very nice. Thank you, Romanticist.
Romanticist: My delight, Sara. And please, feel free to call me Roman, if you like. The same with you, Anna.
Anna: Sure sure, all pleasant and such.
Romanticist: Well, I won't dally further; I will head out to search for your companions. Should you finish before I return, you can relax in the main lounge just down the hall. Enjoy your shower, ladies, and I will be back in short order.
(Romanticist about-faces and heads down the hall. Sara and Anna stand and watch him exit, and remain silent until they hear the main door open and shut half a minute later)
Anna: Something about that guy rubs me the wrong way. Say I'm not alone about that.
Sara: He seems nice and helpful enough. Maybe a little too nice, granted, but he hasn't made any moves on us.
Anna: Chyeh, right.
Sara: I mean in harming us. He might be one of the good ones, like the Assistant.
Anna: Still, this far in and with what's happened, we can't just relax entirely.
Sara: I know. But that doesn't mean we can't make the most of it. And after everything so far, I'm dying for a shower.
Anna: Yeah, same. May as well recharge ourselves while we have the chance. So you want this one or the one over?
Sara: I'll take this one.
Anna: Okay. See ya in a bit.
(They share a wave and go into their own washrooms. Anna surveys hers, spotting the basket of cleaning products by the tub. She goes over and picks it up, rifling through several bottles before holding up one)
Anna: Oh yeah, this will do nicely.
(Some moments later there's a squealing of taps and the hiss of water, and Anna has herself immersed in a shower of steaming, rejuvenating goodness)
Anna: Holy jeez this really hits the spot.
(She murmurs contentedly while pouring herself a dollop of body wash. Next door, Sara is enjoying her soak a little more modestly)
Sara: I hope the others are alright. I bet they would appreciate a shower when they get here. (Puts face under showerhead) Mmmm, so nice…
(She begins humming, losing herself to the soothing sensations of a good soak, unable to hear or even see the door being opened a crack. Claw-like fingers keep it ajar just enough for hungry eyes to get a full view of the foggy stall. The heavy, nervous breaths of flaring nostrils fill several voyeuristic seconds before the peeper eventually withdraws and shuts the door silently, leaving the bathing Jedi clueless as to what has transpired)
(Meanwhile, in a far less hospitable spot)
Will: Well this seems familiar.
Cope: Only it wasn't nearly as packed back then. Or pitch black.
Squishy: What are you guys talking about? And one of your guys' feet is on my head.
Will: Not much room to maneuver, sorry.
Jo: Can we get some light in here? Preferably without stabbing anyone.
Will: I think I got clearance. Just, let me…
(There's a thrum as Will's lightsaber ignites and bathes the tight enclosure in blue, showing the sorry packed ball the fellows have become, with Will at top and Squishy barely visible on the bottom)
Squishy: Where are we?
Cope: It appears to be a hole. A very small one.
Will: You okay, Sara? Sara?
Squishy: I don't see her. Or Anna.
Jo: That'd explain the lack of sarcasm. Guess they avoided whatever we fell into.
Cope: Then our next course should be getting out of here and finding them. Do you see the tunnel we came in from, Will?
Will: I don't see any holes or hatches up here. It's like we're completely sealed in.
Cope: Keep looking. Dying by asphyxiation with you guys is not my ideal way of going out.
Jo: Mine neither, Alex.
Squishy: I can check the bottom. Let me light my lightsaber real quick.
Cope: Don't cut my foot off!
(After a second Squishy's green beam fills the lower part of the pit)
Squishy: I found some kind of hinge.
Jo: No suffocation for us, then. Look for a handle or latch or something.
Squishy: Okay. (Some tight crawling about) I'm not seeing anything. It might be outside.
Jo: Ah, that makes sense: why put the handle on the inside of a cage?
Will: It was still worth looking. I could try cutting a hole, see how tough this container is.
Squishy: Maybe cutting the hinge will get us out.
Cope: Don't go slicing without knowi—
(There's a spark and immediately the guys are dumped yelling down a shaft, bouncing and pinballing as it curves and winds and oofing with every impact. Eventually they all fly out over the abyss between the outer castle and central structure, tumbling in a downward arch that lands them squarely though roughly in the hole left by the lift. The four tumble noisily across the floor of the archives room, finally stopping in a heap before a fairly surprised Assistant)
Assistant: Ah, Jedi? You're back rather suddenly.
Cope: On account of a certain somebody not thinking before acting.
Squishy: I got us out, didn't I?
Assistant: Were you stuck somewhere? I hope you weren't attempting to scale the castle walls, although it would certainly be impressive if you had fallen here from way over there.
Jo: No. We were in this room full of pillars and fell into a pit trap.
Assistant: (Raised concern) A room full of pillars, you say?
Squishy: Yeah. Right after the Naturalist's room.
Assistant: Oh, oh dear. And the absence of the two confirms it beyond doubt.
Cope: Confirms what? (Gets up with others)
Will: Yeah, spill it.
Assistant:...I fear Anna and Sara may be in considerable danger.
(In more hospitable environs, having toweled themselves off and dressed, Sara and Anna sit comfortably in the roomy wood-paneled lounge, letting the warmth of the crackling fireplace dry their hair out. Right then the door opens and Romanticist enters with a genteel smile)
Romanticist: I have returned, madams. I take it the showers were pleasing?
Sara: It really was. I feel so refreshed.
Romanticist: Like clean underwear on New Year's?
Sara: What?
Romanticist: Hm?
Anna: So what's the word? Where are the guys?
Romanticist: (Defeated sigh) I checked the usual holding spots, but could not find hide nor hair of your friends. Apparently my neighbor didn't want me stumbling on them and hid them elsewhere. He must be feeling more possessive than usual if it's come to that.
Sara: What do we do now?
Romanticist: I'll have to go out and search anew. But before that, I imagine you ladies must be famished, so a substantial meal is in order.
(He snaps his fingers, and a dining table with chairs appears on an empty section of floor, covered in tablecloth and topped with various dishes in gleaming silverware)
Romanticist: Come come, help yourselves. There is brisket, cod, French onion soup, minestrone, assorted fruits and diverse salads. All for your taking.
(The ladies get up and sit at the table, and after a brief survey of the offerings they dig in. There's a comfortable minute of silence as the two dine, while their host brings over chilled glass bottles of wine and water)
Anna: Gotta say, this is actually pretty tasty.
Sara: I know, right? I had forgotten about being hungry with all the fighting we've been doing. I just can't get enough.
Romanticist: Don't restrain yourself on my account, Sara. Fill yourselves to your hearts' content. My pantry is endless and at your disposal.
Anna: Oh, I see: stuff ourselves so we're too tired to move. That'd be a fine way of capturing us.
Sara: Anna.
Romanticist: Oh not at all; I have no intention of turning you over to any of my associates, nor doing you any harm. I for one believed you fine ladies and your friends kept to yourselves perfectly well in your universe. It's really petty and unnecessary to do away with you like that, is how I see it. I mean, what harm could such lovely creatures do to the likes of me, er us? It'd have been better if you were placed under a responsible member's care. One who would preserve and show appreciation for the uniqueness that you hold. Oh yes, much appreciation.
Sara: Uhhh..?
Anna: I was just joking, Roman. I'm sure you're a decent enough guy, giving us a spread like this and totally not doing anything suspicious or questionable.
Romanticist: Ah, ha ha. Yes. I do pride myself on being decent to others. (Throat clear) In fact, I just thought of something that should further enhance your meal. (Grabs an acoustic guitar from a nearby cabinet) Some fireside entertainment, from yours truly.
Sara: Ooh!
(Romanticist goes over to a chair by the fireplace and sits down, facing the ladies as he tunes the guitar)
Romanticist: A little music does wonders for the digestion, while also further easing the stresses so frivolously put upon you. (Readies guitar) Sit back, dine in comfort, and allow me to grace your ears with a little serenade.
(Romanticist begins strumming a good steady beat before)
Romanticist: Today, is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you.
By now, you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do.
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now…
Anna: Wait is that..?
Romanticist: Backbeat, the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out.
I'm sure, you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt.
Sara: It really i—
Romanticist: I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now
And all the roads we have to walk are winding…
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding...
There are many things that I
Would like to say to you
But I don't know how.
Because maybeeeeeeeeee,
You're gonna be the one that saves meeeeeeeeee?
And after alllllllllllllll,
You're my Wonder-Wallllllllllllll.
(The Embody makes a closing strum and ends the performance with a grin, looking at his audience for appraisal)
Anna: Hm. Decent cover.
Sara: It was. Gosh, I haven't heard that song in so long. Your rendition was pleasant.
Romanticist: I'm glad you think so, Sara. Yes, it is a fine, stirring tune. One that makes you ease back and take in the surroundings, both tangible and mental. (Stands up, puts down guitar and walks across the room) Though honestly that song is more of an opening act, an appetizer if you will. (Stops and opens a cabinet, revealing a master sound system which he fiddles with) To really get the full immersive enjoyment that music can provide, you will need to indulge in something more… sensual.
Anna: Sorry what?
(A few presses and twists and a stirring piano and guitar duet fills the air as dozens of lit candles spring up to further heighten the mood. Romanticist basks in the music briefly, then when it pauses he turns to face the staring ladies and)
Romanticist: I need this; I need love; I need you…
I don't need one heartbeat,
I need twoooooo.
There's an emptiness I need to fill,
And only one emptiness will doooooo!
Ladies: Uhhh—
Romanticist: Only a woman!
Can brighten up my day.
Only a woman!
Can touch me the right waaaaaaay, yeah!
Only a woman!
Is allowed to touch me there.
All I ask is that you're a womaaaaaan.
Sara: Roman, I think that's en— (Gets a finger pressed to her lips)
Romanticist: I like rain, I like ham, I like you~ (Withdraws)
You're around, you're right here,
So you'll do! (Feels himself up)
I wanna tell you how much I love your mind
But it siiimply isn't truuuuuuue!
Only a woman!
Can brighten up my daaay. (Ignoring looks of growing discomfort)
Only a woman!
Can touch me the right waaaaaay, yeah!
Only a woman! (Moves over to fireplace)
Is allowed to do what you're doing right noooooow.
All I ask is that you're a womaaaaan!
And on Saturdays when I've been partying hard,
And it's four in the morning and I'm on my fith tab of E,
(Pulls open jacket, revealing hairy abdomen)
That's the only time I don't even care if you are a womaaaaaan!
(He drops to his knees as the music slows down. When it picks up)
Romanticist: Right now,
(Springs on over onto a love seat)
Only a woman!
Can brighten up my daaaay.
Only a woman!
Can do it just the right waaaaay, yeah!
Only a woman!
Should be doing that right nooooow
I just want you to be a womaaaaaan!
Please just be a womaaaaaan!
Just any old womaaaaaaaaaaan!
...or a man...
(He finishes and looks down with his perspiring, breathless smile, which instantly shatters at seeing the table being empty. Elsewhere, the two Jedi are hurrying down the stairs in the foyer, and are halfway to the door when Romanticist runs up to the upper landing's barrister)
Romanticist: Wait wait wait! Where are you going?
Anna: Your song has us thoroughly creeped out, so we're outtie like an Audi.
Romanticist: N-no, you don't need to go! I didn't mean anything salacious with my performance! (Hurries down stairs while babbling) I just really like that song and always wanted to sing it to others, and I thought it'd be fine to listen to. (Stops before them) I didn't mean to upset you; I'm just so lonely, please understand. My social graces are in total shambles, I mean just a little unpolished.
Anna: That aside, we're pretty rested and refueled, so it's about time we got to looking for our friends.
Romanticist: A-ah yes, of course! You're eager to rescue them. But, there's the matter of the danger waiting outside, i-in case you've forgotten.
Sara: We're still aware. But if we get him to come to us, then we might have a better chance of handling him.
Romanticist: Oh, uh, well, that might, theoretically, be possible…
Anna: And it should doubly work with you there to point out his tricks.
Romanticist: Yuhh?! I mean, you need me with you? Uhm, I'm not sure about…
Sara: How come?
Anna: Is something wrong with accompanying a pair of young(ish) ladies at their bequest?
Romanticist: No, there isn't. It's just, the thing is, I don't think the time is ri—
(Suddenly there's several bangs at the door)
Sara: What was that?
Anna: Your neighbor getting sick of waiting?
Romanticist: What? No, no, he wouldn't. I-I mean, I'm not sure who—
(A beam of focused blue light punches through the handle and lock, and after it retracts the door bursts open and four figures rush in)
Squishy: Stop the presses!
Sara: Will! Everyone!
Romanticist: Guh-huhh?!
Will: Sara, are you okay?
Cope: Are you alright as well, Anna?
Squishy: We hurried here as fast as we could!
Sara: I'm fine, Will. We both are.
Anna: We were just about to go look for you, but you've gone and saved us the trouble.
Jo: Thank googily; we got here just in time.
Romanticist: Oh, what great fortune: your friends in arms have escaped captivity. A joyous reunion indeed.
Cope: Drop the act, sicko! We know exactly what you are.
Romanticist: Quel?
Will: Sara, get away from him.
Sara: Why? What's going on?
Jo: He's a degenerate, trying to ensnare you in a very gross, sticky web!
Squishy: Emphasis on the gross and sticky!
Romanticist: Now now now, there has to be some horrible misunderstanding. If we just settle down and talk this out—
Cope: Reveal yourself, demon!
(Cope pulls from his robe a cantaloupe-sized crystal that gives off a blinding gleam. Romanticist cries out as he is suddenly struck by provocative and lewd imagery in a blink that shuffles rapidly in his mind)
Romanticist: N-No! Not this; I don't want—!
(He clutches his head and bends forward, groaning as the light of the crystal brightens more and more intensely until there's a terrible glass pop as it bursts and plunges the foyer into darkness. After some seconds, a slow but heavy heartbeat fills the air)
I… never wanted to hurt you. Truly.
*Thump-thump*
I wanted to handle this like a gentleman.
*Thump-thump*
Stow away the men while I watched over you ladies.
*Thump-thump*
Care for you. Protect you. Win your love in time.
*Thump-thump*
It would have been so nice.
*Thump-thump*
But now, you have gone ahead and awoken…
*Thump-thump*
You know, in high school, there was a girl who was interested in Master.
*Thump-thump*
She said she "dropped" Him numerous "hints". He noticed none of them.
*Thump-thump*
He was too fixated on your world. On crafting your love lives.
*Thump-thump*
He could have felt the touch of a woman if it hadn't been for you.
*Thump-thump*
Yet, if He had… Heheheheh… I wouldn't have discovered so much about myself.
(A dull red light fills the ceiling, now dangling chains, straps, and questionable apparatuses that shock and disturb the Jedi)
So many kinks. So many fetishes. Such sinful, carnal delights for one to amass. And now, heheheheh, I get to share it allllll with you.
(The light fills up the lower part of the room. Romanticist is still bent forward, arms dangling, but then he straightens himself in an unnervingly sinuous manner, unveiling his tight black leather pants and wife-beater shirt. Most of his face remains in shadow, save for a sinister mouth)
Romanticist?: You call me a degenerate. But I'm simply liberated. Open-minded. In touch with my body: its wants, its needs. If you must call me something… (Lowers head, revealing hungry eyes and short pointed horns) Then call me Deviant. (Feels up horns and moans) Ohhhhhhh~, you naughty Jedi, look at how horny you've made me. Such rigidity never felt so good, mmmm.
Sara: Oh my god…
Deviant: Don't act so surprised, Sara. Lust and romance go together like cucumbers and KY jelly. We're all ambling sacks of chemicals, sloshing and spritzing and bursting on one another. You owe it to your biological prerogative to get a thorough dousing every now and then, (Rubs nipples) and I'll be more than happy to give you my own personal coating.
Cope: You're disgusting.
Deviant: Tch, heheh. Sexual beings are entitled to their own forms of personal gratification. And I'm very eager to give you all a deep and thorough education on the various ways of self-enjoyment.
Jo: Would that include the matter of consent? Cuz this is where I say No Frickin' Way to all that.
Squishy: Same here, freak!
Deviant: (Chuckle) That's rich, coming from one of the xenophilic persuasion, leaning heavily on bestial. None of you are pure little angels; you all have those vices and itches that need addressing in the bedroom… or the local park, if you're daring. Why must you view and treat it as something monstrous? It's only natural.
Sara: But you're taking it too far! Lust is natural, sure, but you deal with it in moderation like any other good thing, and ideally with someone you trust. The way you're presenting it makes it sound wrong, and makes you an outright pervert!
Deviant: Loneliness can do that to you; it speeds up the corruption of curiosity left unchecked. But now I have a whole slew of playmates to test out all these exciting discoveries of mine. See which of them sticks.
Squishy: In your dreams!
Deviant: Wet dreams, you mean! However, I need to loosen you up first. Make you more receptive. Whip you into shape.
(From his person he draws a long length of large plastic beads that he cracks like a whip before stretching taut)
Deviant: Oh yes, this was a long time coming, darlings. To finally get wet, wild and dirty to the max: the perfect ménage à trois for this inaugural gangbang!
Cope: Fat chance!
(That's everyone's cue to break out the lightsabers)
Anna: You get that anywhere near me and I'll castrate you.
Deviant: Mmm, it's a bit too early for the ol' CBT, Anna. Perhaps a little later.
Anna: Gaaah!
Will: If you're into the rough stuff, we'll more than willingly give it to you rough.
Cope: Will, context!
Deviant: That's the spirit, Willy! (Licks beads) Now make like Marvin Gaye and Let's Get It On!
(A remix of "Attack of the Koopa Bros" plays as Deviant charges and gets whippin'. He wards off and twirls past Sara and Anna, cracks at Will and Jo, and rolls his beads along the ground to trip up Cope and Squishy. He dances and flaunts around the swift attacks of the Jedi before cartwheeling away from the group, taking a stand and throwing out his "whip" to snare Sara. A firm pull wraps her up and brings to into the Embody's arms, who then wraps himself around her like a snake)
Deviant: If I'm being honest, I prefer blonde and demure over most others.
(He readies to take a big sniff, but a strong hand grips his shoulder and yanks him around to face an angry Anna)
Deviant: Although I absolutely adore the feistiness in this one!
Anna: Yeah? Then try out my brand of fisting! (She decks him in the face, knocking him head over heels onto the floor) Crap, now I'm talking like him.
Deviant: Mmm, appears you've caught one of my STDs: a Socially-Transmitted Discourse. (Giggles like a deranged fop)
(Cope runs for the fallen Embodiment, but he cracks his whip up at one of the hanging chains and uses it to pull him from danger. Up on his feet, he is immediately beset by Jo and the two clash beads and light until the Grand Master gets the beads wrapped about his saber and snaps it to pieces with a hard twist. Jo rushes the defenseless pervert, however Deviant makes some quick hand gestures and a cloud of smoke emerges to intercept Jo's lightsaber. Jo cuts through unimpeded, but is surprised to find a deflating plastic doll at the other end of the beam)
Jo: What the?
(Suddenly Deviant pops in, dual-wielding cheap blow-up dolls as he begins bapping Jo)
Deviant: Blow-Up Barrage!
(The shameless assault has Jo reeling from the constant battering, and Deviant gets so into it he begins tossing assorted dolls at the other Jedi like they're confetti. Will is the first to withstand the absurdity, charging and slicing through the pleasure objects to get at Deviant. Once he's within a foot of the freak he brings down his lightsaber, but it bounces back with surprising resistance. Regaining his footing, Will looks to find Deviant has raised his fists, both covered in a bumpy latex material)
Will: The h***..?
Deviant: French Tickler gloves: ribbed for your dis-pleasure! (Flexes) Protection is important, after all.
(He rushes Will and starts boxing, the Jedi giving himself as wide a berth as possible from the offending protectives. Cope hurries over to engage, as does Jo, but the "gloves" prove super resilient and repel the lightsabers like they're wooden clubs. Deviant feints, jabs and blocks with fluid precision, and even reaches over to play his enclosed fingers along Cope's side)
Deviant: Coochie coochie cooo!
(Cope laughs angrily and has to breakaway, allowing Sara to slide in and sweep at the Embodiment's feet, only for him to leap and somersault away expertly. Upon landing he brings up hi mitts to catch Jo and Cope's sabers, but is caught by Squishy's headbutt to the groin, making him backpedal wheezing)
Deviant: Oh you cheeky little gerbil.
(Jo and Cope come running, but Deviant discards his prophylactics with a dual flick, sending them into both their faces with cries of disgust. Deviant pulls out a large paddle and springs to the spot between the two, batting away Cope with a swing to the midsection and kicking Jo onto his belly. Jo hurries onto his hands and knees, but pauses upon noticing the monkey onesie he's suddenly wearing)
Jo: The h*** is this?
Deviant: Here's something you're very familiar with, Jo: (Raises paddle) Spanking the monkey!
(He punishes Jo's poor butt with a few rapid smacks, then winds up and slams a devastating blow that launches the Jedi clear across the room and into a pit of dirty pillows, earning a "Nice Shot!". Deviant has a laugh that's cut by Anna's flying kick to the head that slams him onto the ground, the boot squishing the side of his face)
Deviant: Yes, step on me harder, mommy! Make me squirm like the bad boy that I am!
Anna: If you don't shut up I will stomp those horns through your head!
Deviant: Don't threaten me with a good time. Although, lubrication is needed before any deep penetration is attempted.
(Suddenly he slips out from under Anna's foot, making her wobble off-balance and fall onto her back. She springs back up and looks over at the suddenly-glistening Deviant)
Anna: How'd you get out from that?
(Deviant smirks, posing and holding a conspicuous bottle on a fingertip)
Deviant: I have removed all friction from my body, thereby making me both Soft and Wet. (Squirts and pours various oils and gels all over himself) I mean, there's no such thing as too much lube.
(He throws himself onto the ground and slides all over the place like a penguin on ice, harrying and tripping up the Jedi with his oily strikes. Zipping to one corner of the room he slips himself upright)
Deviant: All this stimulation has gotten my loins all riled up, so have a taste of my Pocket Rocket!
(He hip thrusts and a flare fires from his groin, flying in a screaming arc before bursting some meters away, which the Jedi avoid in time)
Deviant: Sadly it's only good for one burst and needs time to recharge. (Shrugs) I can still tend to you pretties in the meantime.
(Gets back to sliding, leaving oily trails that make for problematic trip hazards. Squishy stops a moment to watch Deviant's movements, then reaches into his robe)
Squishy: Pocket Sand!
(He tosses a cloud of sand right at Deviant as he zooms by. Immediately he catches against the floor, flipping and rolling about from the momentum before plunking to a halt. He sits up and shakes himself, looking at his coarse limbs)
Deviant: My, my slipperiness. What did you do?
Squishy: Tatooine sand: the driest sand in the whole galaxy! Sucks up moisture like nothing else.
Anna: Why do you keep sand in your clothes?
Squishy: Just, carrying a memento from home. And you never know when it could come in handy.
Cope: You picked an opportune time to use it!
(Cope charges Deviant, who gingerly gets back on his feet. Deviant straightens himself right as Cope brings down his saber, but is quickly stunned at seeing his beam being intercepted by one emitting from a… rather vulgar source)
Cope: Is, that a..?
Deviant: D***saber? It most certainly is. (Naughty grin) And it vibrates.
(The Embody pushes a hidden switch on the pleasure wand, causing it to vibrate violently. Cope does his best to withstand the shaking but it proves too much and he stumbles back, his sword arm numb and limp. Deviant gives a flourish of his faux-flesh stick and the melee is resumed, this time playing out [somewhat] like a proper lightsaber battle. Anna and Will go at him from the front, but he holds against them effortlessly, then twists around to deflect an attack from Sara. Deviant ducks and side flips from the flurry before flipping back a ways into a crouch, activating a second schlong-saber to catch a back attack from Squishy. The Jawa gets a leg sweep for his attempt, then Deviant rises up to engage with Cope and his restored fighting arm. Nearby, Anna and Will lock fingers to form a hold for Sara's foot, hoisting her high up so she can execute a speedy dive kick that catches Deviant in the shoulder. He stumbles back but is able to bring up his weapons to catch Cope's and Sara's, but then Jo pops up from behind and wraps the remains of the monkey onesie around the Embody's neck like a noose)
Deviant: (Gasping) Come on, you can pull harder than that, ya p***y!
(Jo does so, pulling hard enough to lift Deviant off his feet. But the perv lunges forward, planting his feet and tossing Jo overhead and onto the shoulders of his friends. Deviant takes a breath, then looks over to see Squishy running before taking a striking leap. Deviant coughs up a pair of fuzzy handcuffs, and flicking his head he sends it right at Squishy, one cuff catching his right wrist and sending him back through the air towards Will. It happens too fast for Will to react, so he takes the Jawa full-on and they both fall. As they get up, Will finds his left wrist has been taken by the other cuff)
Deviant: Play nice you two.
(He winks, then focuses on Anna and her string of saber strikes. Anna brings down her saber to catch his two beams, then brings up her other hand to deliver a lightning-infused uppercut. It hits the area around the guy's wrists, causing him to surge with brilliance before he's blown back from the overload. Staggering and smoking, he twitches giddily and his arms go all jittery)
Deviant: Oh god yes: the pleasure, the pain, the raw adrenaline of movement. This is more excitement than I've ever imagined; it's practically unbearable. Oh give me more! I want even MORE!
(His shaking reaches a fever pitch, then suddenly both his weapons fire laser bolts into the ceiling, blowing out chunks of powdered stone)
Deviant: Oops. Premature discharge. Luckily these have no refractory periods!
(He vigorously shakes his tools once more, this time aiming them at the Jedi as they pop off their shots. Our heroes run and dodge as the maniac chases them around firing wildly, until Will rushes over and slams down Squishy like a mace to knock the fiend away. With their foe stumbling, Will hefts himself off Squishy's head to deliver a flying kick to push Deviant further away, then stands and swings around the Jawa to knock away one of the Rule 34 shake weights, but not before it shoots off a beam that cuts through the chain connecting the two. Deviant stumbles back into a tall metal pole, then snaps into focus as everyone comes for him. With d***saber flashing he grinds, twirls, inverts and crouches on the pole, putting on a routine and warding off his attackers in style to Britney Spears' "Toxic". Use of both legs allow him to freehand for a spell, and when it gets too crowded he hurls himself over to another pole, then across several others like horizontal acrobatics. Soon he stops at one pole and spins rapidly around and around, causing him to rise meters up the shaft. He comes to a stop and flexes out a pose, but then his eyes are drawn to Squishy, who has appeared at his level on a neighboring pole)
Deviant: Oh my, you must be exhausted having scurried up here so fast.
Squishy: It's nothing; I know my way around a pole.
Deviant: And you call me a freak.
(Squishy fires up his saber, and the two clash and gyrate around their poles before entering respective dueling spins that bring them back downwards. Close to the ground, Deviant releases from his pole, twirls and sticks the landing with aplomb)
Deviant: Whew! I say that's enough foreplay. Let's switch on my secret Bondage Gaze.
(His eyes gleam, and in a flash all the Jedi are ensnared and incapacitated in various ways: Jo on a medieval rack, Will hanging from chains, Cope hogtied in a leather harness, Sara in a pillory, Anna bound and sitting on a wooden pommel horse, and Squishy strapped to a baby holder, complete with pacifier and bonnet. Deviant slides over and pats him patronizingly)
Deviant: Awww, lookitchu. All secure and snug. (Squeezes cheek) It's a pity your darling Sylvia couldn't make it. I've always wanted a taste of that fine reptile a**. You're so lucky getting to stick your tiny prick in that on the regular. (He turns away with a sigh as Squishy furiously bounces) Well, I guess I'll just have to make do with what I have here. Fortunately, I have a very robust imagination, huhuhuhu.
Will: Then imagine my boot going straight up your deranged a**hole allllll the way through to your mou— (Gets ball-gagged)
Deviant: If you don't like how this is gonna play out, you could've just stayed in your hole and left me and the girls to our fun. It certainly would've been more enjoyable for them, at least.
Sara: As if! You wanted to woo us into having sex with you!
Anna: And doing a really bad job of it!
Deviant: That was my gentler side taking the slow, tidy approach. Me, I like doing things quick and messy, as you're about to experience firsthand. (Rolls out a car battery and jumper cables) Before we get into that, Daddy needs a quick charge. (He sparks up the clamps and applies them to his nipples, jolting for a few seconds before taking them off) Yow! Yeah baby; that hit the spot! Hm, maybe just another. (Clamps and jolts lewdly again)
Cope: I take back what I said earlier: you're not disgusting. You're just one very sick animal.
Deviant: We're all nothing but mammals at heart, Alex-poo. You'll come around to see things my way... especially when I break your minds with unrelenting, torturous bliss! (Takes a jolt) Yes! I get to be the merciless dom like I always wanted! Hahahahahahaaa!
(He clamps his nips repeatedly for an alternating buzz. Squishy, however, is trying to work himself out of his humiliating bindings, heaving and bouncing himself forward and back. As he builds momentum in his swings, he starts twisting his holder around in the hopes of snapping the cords holding it up. It pays off, as his weight and motions break the cords and leave him soaring over into Deviant's back. In his fall the Embodiment knocks over the battery, causing it to go haywire and fire off lances of sparks from the cables that pop the lock off the pillory and cut the rope holding up Cope. Sara hurries to free everyone and to help Squishy and Cope get up. Jo rubs the stiffness from his freed wrists)
Jo: Good to be out, although that rack did wonders for my back.
(Over to Deviant, who shambles back onto his feet, heaving and with his horns doubling in length and pointiness)
Deviant: You, you meddlesome s***. Always getting in the way at every turn.
I was right at the edge and you go and shove me away from release. Do you know what happens when I'm interrupted during my "sessions"? I get tense, and I get super frustrated. (He growls, glaring at everyone as his left arm bulks up to ludicrous mass)
Squishy: How come just his left arm got—ohhhh…
Will: Not something I wanted to know.
Deviant: I'm done playing nice! I was going to be gentle, but now I'm gonna force a climax outta of all of ya, using… (Reaches behind him) The Flückenflaufen!
(With a great heave Deviant draws out a monstrous mechanical abomination: a thick metal cylinder with three dildo-tipped claws around the front and one dildo set in the middle. Once in both hands, the device activates and roars to life like a V8 chainsaw, shaking menacingly)
Deviant: Yeeeeah, you better look scared you little dumplings. Say goodbye to your anuses, because I'm going in deep, and I'm going in dry. YAAAAAAHHH!
(Deviant charges yelling with Flückenflaufen swinging like he's Leatherface, and the Jedi flee immediately. The Embody's depraved horniness grants him a boost so he keeps pace with his prey despite lugging around vibrating tech that weighs about as much as him, and this freakish speed scares the Jedi even more into flight rather than fight. There's an instance where Anna and Jo try to stand their ground, but the horrible wiggly prongs knock away their lightsabers, meaning there's literally no withstanding the assault head-on!)
Deviant: Come on, line up for me! It'll go quicker if you just take it without resistance!
(At some point Squishy dives into the pit of Dirty Pillows, and from under the stained and musty cover he peeks out, watching his friends running around, steadily getting tired from the chase. As he looks, his hand falls onto something round and hard, and looking down he holds up a very inappropriate style of plug, and notices they are even more buried under the cushions. Looking back out, he sees Deviant has his Flückenflaufen raised and is going after Will and Sara, steadily gaining on them. Without thinking Squishy throws the plug in his hand at the Embodiment, bonking his head. This stops him, and he turns to face the Jawa as more of the adult toys come sailing his way. It's only when their eyes lock that Squishy realizes just how dumb a move he made)
Deviant: Alright, little rat: Pucker Up!
(Deviant comes screaming toward the pillow pit, putting on a burst of lightning speed that frightens Squishy in place. Three quarters of the way over, Deviant steps on a sideways butt plug, and suddenly he finds himself kicking up and flipping in the air. His grip on his industrial penetrator breaks as he falls hard onto his shoulders, legs hanging past his head. The Flückenflaufen does a couple of aerial turns before dropping, its business end pointing downward before making impact with an awful fleshy, tearing sound.
(The Jedi wince, this time out of horror and disgust, for the Flückenflaufen has planted itself deep into its owner's rear. Said owner writhes horribly in his undignified pose, his face twisting through several emotions as his vile weapon whirs and rattles, messing up his insides in the worst possible manner and grounds his spine into powder. As his strength steadily leaves him, his eyes glaze over)
Deviant: It's… not… really… doing it, for me…
(Deviant goes still, tongue flopped out in partial bliss. After a second his body breaks down into a cloud of rose petals and used condom wrappers that blow away like dust, and with nothing holding it up, the dreadful Flückenflaufen tips over and blows up into a messy cloud. The red light rapidly fades into white, and the perverse implements and tools fade with it. Only when they're back in the barrenness of the foyer do the Jedi let out a joint sigh of relief: this latest battle is won)
Sara: It's over; thank God.
Will: What a way to go. A very messed-up way, that's likely gonna haunt my dreams for a while.
Cope: If you even want to sleep. Demolisher had been the angriest foe we faced, but this guy was undeniably the most disgusting and depraved.
Jo: Luckily it's only mental scarring he's left us and not physical, thanks to Squishy.
Squishy: I acted without thinking. It's dumb luck he wound up tripping like that.
Jo: Still, gratitude all the same. (Force retrieves his saber, as does Anna hers) I really don't want to consider what else he could've possibly had on hand if things hadn't ended there.
Sara: To think all that was tucked away inside the Romanticist. A real Jekyll and Hyde, although the "normal" side wasn't good at hiding it.
Anna: Mentioning that: Alex, where'd you get that crystal that kicked off this perverted romp?
Cope: It was given to us by the Assistant.
Sara: The Assistant?
Squishy: We wound up getting dumped back in that archive hub from earlier.
Will: Courtesy of more of Squishy's dumb luck.
Squishy: When we mentioned where we had been, he basically told us about Deviant.
Anna: Really?
Cope: Not directly. He just mentioned Romanticist had a sinister side that specifically wanted you two, so hearing that we got ourselves back here as quickly as possible.
Will: But not before he gave us that crystal.
Sara: I thought he wasn't supposed to help us in that manner, though.
Squishy: He's not allowed to skip us ahead or tell us about upcoming Embodiments, but because we already got to this room, it was okay for him to give us some hints. Or so he said.
Jo: And that crystal was only supposed to guide us through the darkness to find the hideout. Although he worded it as "cutting through the facade", so a not-so-subtle hint by him.
Sara: Wow, that really was helpful. I hope it's not considered cheating and he winds up getting in trouble for us.
Jo: We still did most of the work in winning, as Entrepreneur would put it. I'm sure he'll be fine.
Anna: Uh-huh. Anyways, can we get back to worrying about ourselves and get out of this place? It's all white-washed, but I still have this bad taste in my mouth I want gone by separation and distance.
Cope: Agreed. The less spoken about this encounter, the better.
Sara: It's a shame we had to get all sweaty from all the running around. A sad waste of a shower.
Squishy: Shower?
Anna: Yeah: we managed to get washed up before you guys showed up. Even had some food.
Squishy: Awwww, really?
Cope: You actually ate what that monster gave you?
Anna: Yeah, sue me. He was offering, and he was only mildly off-putting at the time. And I'd have been on him if he tried to actually pull anything funny.
Cope: Still, not the wisest move, Anna.
Squishy: A snack would have been nice, though.
Will: Then pray that we find the company cafeteria or something.
(Everyone moves across the empty space to the newly-revealed double doors, putting the realm of lust behind them)
Romanticist/Deviant
DEFEATED
(The next hallway is quite palatial, with a patterned floor, columns lining the sides and great crystal chandeliers hanging from the high arched ceiling. Duelist is leaning against a column a short ways ahead, appearing indifferent to their approach. That is, until)
Duelist: And that makes six. (Pushes off and faces them) You are really tearing through our number, Jedi, rather than the other way around. It's an ongoing thrill for me watching you defy expectation at every fresh turn, even more when you overcome one of our more prominent members unscathed.
Cope: Unscathed is debatable.
Jo: Your master is one messed-up dude to keep something like that around, much less flaunt it.
Duelist: It should come as an honor. It means He considers you a legitimate threat: one that necessitates the use of a primal attribute as developed as Romanticist. But of course I'm here to spoil the victory somewhat, as is my lot in this establishment.
Jo: A job's a job, I guess.
Duelist: Indeed. Now, for this fifth foray, I will be facing you, William.
Will: Heh, okay. I've been kinda looking forward to this.
Duelist: Wonderful. That's something I respect about you: Even if you did have a choice in the matter, you're never one to shirk off a direct challenge. The kind of simple yet unshakable mindset perfect for a soldier. As such, we will engage in one of the simplest means of resolving a gentleman's dispute.
Will: And what would that be?
(Duelist tosses something over to Will, and after catching it he sees it's a handgun)
Duelist: Pistols. (Cocks his own gun) Standard ten paces, turning and firing at signal. The goal will be to inflict the most grievous wound. You don't necessarily have to go for a fatal shot, but I won't hesitate. Is this acceptable?
Will: (Smile) Sure. I'm down with that. (Cocks gun)
Sara: Will!
Will: There's nothing to worry about, babe. This is entirely within my wheelhouse.
Sara: You still don't have to make it sound like you're fine with dying.
Will: (Shrug) If I lose, I may as well be dead. (Goes toward Duelist)
Duelist: That's the wisest mentality to have in this contest, good sir. Squishy, would you be kind enough to referee for us?
Squishy: H-huh, what? Like, count out the paces?
Duelist: And tell us when to fire, as well.
Squishy: Oh. Yeah, I can do that. (Joins the duelers)
Duelist: I figured your size would reduce the risk of an accident. Not that either of our aims would stray that far, but it's always in good sport to be cautious. (To Will) Need any further preparation?
Will: No. Let's do this.
Duelist: Alright. Back to back. (They turn and press their backs together) Weapons raised. (They hold up their guns) Whenever you are ready, Squishy.
Squishy: Should I shout fire immediately after I say ten paces?
Duelist: You can wait further if you prefer.
Will: Don't draw it out too long, Squish. You'll do me no good keeping us on hold forever.
Squishy: Okay. Uh, on your marks!
(The two stiffen, then begin taking measured steps with every number Squishy sounds off. The distance between them is fairly long by the time Squishy hits ten, whereupon they come to an immediate standstill. Anticipation builds among the other Jedi with each passing second, but the shooters remain cool customers as they await the signal)
Squishy:...Fire!
(Will and Duelist turn, aim and fire as one in a blink. They hold their stances even after the dual rapport dies down, neither of them showing any visible wounds. After a few seconds, Duelist lowers his weapon)
Duelist: It appears we have ourselves a draw. Somewhat embarrassing, but we will need to do a sec—
(There's a tremendous crash as a chandelier lands on and silences Duelist, catching everyone by surprise. Everyone, except Will)
Squishy: Whoa!
Anna: The heck just happened?
Jo: Will, Squish, is there someone up there?
Will: Not at all. This was my doing.
Anna: What now?
Will: I recognized this type of pistol uses ammo that's prone to ricochet, and from our starting point I could tell we'd both wind up under a chandelier. So I thought I'd try something fancy.
Cope: And it's quite the messy payoff.
Sara: I'm not sure if it would count, though.
Duelist: No. No, it totally counts.
(From under the pile of glass shards and metal the Duelist raises his head with support from his elbows)
Duelist: I did say whoever made the most grievous wound would be the winner, and being crushed by a chandelier would be immensely grievous for most mortals. So well done, William.
Will: Heh. Glad you think so. (His gun disappears)
Duelist: Your entire party has won clearance to the next trial yet again. Just, proceed through the doors behind me. (Weakly points back)
Squishy: Are you going to be okay?
Duelist: Oh yes, don't worry. I'm just going to rest a spell before extricating myself. You can rest assured I will be waiting for you when you clear the latest room.
Squishy: Okay. Come on, everyone.
Cope: Yes. Forward.
(As they start moving, Sara goes up to her hubby)
Sara: That went by very quickly.
Will: He did say it was simple.
Sara: I'm just glad you didn't need to go a second time.
Will: (Grin) I'm just that good, hun.
(He gives her waist a squeeze, and as the group make it some yards past the wreckage)
Duelist: Wait, before you all exit. There's something I want to impart. (Everyone stops and looks at him) The one you are about to face… is unlike all those who have come before. He wields influence greater than most. But, if you retain your sense of self, you will surely withstand him.
Will: Why are you telling us this?
Duelist: Having been bested five times, I suddenly felt the need to give you some small prize. And… Well, some encouragement never hurts.
Cope: It doesn't. We appreciate the sentiment.
Sara: Yes. Thank you.
Duelist: You remain ever kind. Now, carry on with your quest. And I will see you on the other side.
Squishy: Looking forward to it.
(With that warning and encouragement to heart, the Jedi leave Duelist behind to take on a most unorthodox foe)
(Another hallway, only smaller, shorter, and nowhere as opulent. Seeing no immediate danger, the Jedi head forward. It's at halfway they hear the steps: Echoey, mournful, heavy. Ahead they see something move between the pillars, and stop to watch its approach. As a tall figure slowly steps into the open, the air grows heavy and the light fades, as if foretelling a coming storm. The sluggish voice cements that impression)
Figure: You have traversed untold miles; scaled heights deemed unscalable. Tirelessly you fight beyond limitations small and great, bringing hope and salvation to masses uncountable. But the burden of experience grows steadily with each passing year and victory, as does something else…
(The dour individual stops center near the end of the hall, silencing the footfalls. As well as being tall he is also incredibly gaunt, a thinness matched by his threadbare and faded clothes and cloak. Lifting his head, half his face is covered by an untended length of faded blonde hair. The other half shows a singular bespectacled sunken eye and a sad, closed mouth, one tired beyond reckoning. It's an image befitting a world-weary undertaker, and this grim gaze regards our heroes)
Embodiment: The Jedi have set foot in my little sphere. It has been… quite the wait.
Jo: Must have been real eager to see us, with how quickly you've shown yourself.
Embodiment: I find no sense in forestalling introduction, not like most of my kin. I am the Depressant: Embodiment of Sadness and Melancholy. (Somber grin) It is a pleasure seeing you in person after so long.
Anna: You don't look happy about it.
Depressant: It is substantially subdued, per my nature; I am nowhere as excitable as the others. All the same, your arrival is a welcome sight.
Cope: Yet you are going to try to stop us, all the same.
Depressant: That is a regrettable truth, though I bear no personal resentment to yourselves.
Anna: Like we haven't heard that before.
Depressant: Deception is another trait I am keenly lacking, though there is one who specializes in it.
Will: If you don't feel any animosity toward us, how about letting us pass through hassle-free?
Depressant: Even if it were not impossible for me to do so, if the eyes of Master were focused elsewhere… would you not rather stay and rest instead? The battles you have fought must have taken a considerable toll on you. If you halt your advance here, you could put yourselves at ease indefinitely.
Anna: You look like the one who needs a rest.
Squishy: We are trying to get back our galaxy; we cannot take a break from something that important (at least, not for very long).
Depressant: Yes. It is a heavy responsibility you all bear. But, so is… (Raises hand limply, feebly touching something) Another burden that you carry. Steadily growing, getting stronger the more you resist it.
Sara: What would that be?
Depressant: Despair, of course. A mounting dread and sadness, supplemented by fatigue; the darkness inhabiting the minds of all things capable of thought, vital to the emotional experience. This you are unconsciously trying to stymie. Why is that so?
Jo: I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm not feeling depressed. None of us are.
Will: We've wiped out a bunch of your buddies and are still looking pretty. I say we're riding pretty high at this point.
Depressant: How long will that last? (The light fades further, the air grows heavier) The living mind cannot linger on one singular emotion forever. Resistance to change will strain one's mental state, in time leading to cracks, that then lead to the inevitable break. It has been many years in your time since you have given yourselves over to sorrow all-consuming. Your latest breaking point is about due, I would say.
Sara: We haven't given ourselves to it because there's been no reason for it. Nothing on the level of what Financer did, and that was obscenely extreme.
Will: And it wasn't all rainbows the whole time. We had struggles, frustrations, doubts.
Cope: I can most definitely attest to the frustrations. (Glare at Squishy) And the needless embarrassments.
Squishy: But we still carried on. Got over them and made it out alright, each and every time.
Depressant: You pushed them aside, but you never accepted those difficulties. Reflected on them. Enwrapped yourselves in them. You hardly gave them a passing thought after surmounting them.
Anna: Honestly, why should we have? There wasn't much to reflect on.
Depressant: You are right. You had encountered nothing in recent memory on this scale.
(He waves his hand, and suddenly the Jedi are hit by some horrible affliction, some crying out and falling to the floor, grasping their heads and chests, a few with tears streaming messily from their eyes)
Sara: Oh, oh my god.
Jo: What, what was..?
Cope: What did you do to us?
Depressant: The woe of a trillion living beings, advanced and primitive. A glimpse of their suffering, the fathomless anguish of general existence, is what you have felt. Numerous tragedies occur daily, be they great or small. A sudden death, the loss of security, a loved one's betrayal, the dismantling of one's values. All this and so many others, happening almost every second of life.
(A soft roll of thunder. A growing haze, and the sudden, bitter cold of the approaching stormfront)
Depressant: You are no doubt aware of this, and being wielders of the life force that governs your universe, you should have been intimately attuned to such misery. But Contractor, your creator, nullified such a perception in order to protect you. To preserve you from being crushed under the weight of cruelties you cannot prevent or relieve. Even when Financer was destroying whole systems, you were distant observers in an emotional sense, thanks to this severance. It allowed you to live mostly carefree, relatively untarnished by the dread that pervades every individual. This in turn made you ignorant to the reality of despair: that it is ever-present. That it is not something that can be destroyed or forgotten. Only one of you had some understanding of this, as he had been a catalyst and victim of it himself.
Squishy:...Richter?
Depressant: I had looked forward to conversing with your son as my full self. I would have liked to know how much he has developed, and how he has dealt with the concerns we had discussed when we last spoke. He could have provided insight to benefit this present discussion.
Squishy: Last spoke?
Jo: No way. You are not going to sway us into becoming all angsty like Rick.
Will: Even if you buried us in all that misery, we'll just fight and push through. We've been through far too much just to go emo and call it quits.
Anna: Financer couldn't break us, so like h*** your morose sleepy talk is gonna do the trick.
Cope: We are not so sheltered as to succumb to total despair.
(Depressant looks at them with a saddened expression)
Depressant: That is another fault brought on by Contractor's emotional coddling: your attitude. You view despair as evil: as a disease that must be exterminated. The Financer's grotesque methods would make it appear so, understandably. As would your encounter with the Forecloser: the blackest, most fatal form of despair. But, even before those unfortunate events, you construed melancholy as an enemy of the soul. Such a notion is ridiculous, as well as unhealthy.
Sara: But what sort of life would that be, being shackled to sadness? All you could do is mope, feeling bad about things but doing nothing about it. A life of endless despair is no life at all!
Depressant: As neither would be a life of endless joy or anger or lust. But those are crucial components of the human spirit, as is despair. Though, its general stigma is fairly justified, I will admit. After all, it is typically the byproduct of… unpleasant matters.
(A phantom rain falls. Droplets of shadow flit over the stonework. The patter makes a somber and soothing backdrop for the onset of "Growing Wings''... and the voices of distant sorrow)
Depressant: Typically, one experiences it at their lowest moments. When they are most hurt, saddened. When something dear has been taken away from them.
She is gone. She will no longer talk, no longer laugh, cry… or get angry…
Cope: Wasn't that..?
I can't stop the bleeding. Oh god, I can't stop it!
Depressant: It drapes those experiencing immeasurable regret.
What have I done? I killed innocent people… I killed them all.
Depressant: Or caught in a tempest of confusion and heartbreak.
N-No! It wasn't me! It can't be. I-It's all a misunderstanding…
Hey, Flonne… What are you doing..? I didn't say you could do this! You're going to abandon me, like my mother did? I didn't give you permission!
Depressant: It can be such an awful, pervasive weight on the soul. Enough to drive someone to a bitter surrender.
For all the happiness you wish for someone, someone else is cursed with equal misery. I was stupid… so stupid.
Depressant: It can even draw out a far uglier response. One borne from unbridled lament, anger, hatred.
What about us… what are WE supposed to do? What about my pain?
Despise you? Of course I despise you, you b***ard! I'll kill you!
You cut down my sister like a godd*** animal and now you want to STOP!? No one STOPS! It's way too late to STOP! No One STOOOOPS!
(The haze deepens, the shadows grow and darken)
Depressant: However, to a thoughtful mind, despair can grant much-needed clarity; a doorway to finding inner peace. And eventually, acceptance.
Will: That's… that's not true.
There's only room for one Boss. And one Snake…
Zero… Zero, you big dummy...
Depressant: You have seen and heard it for yourselves ample times. That alluring serenity… is undeniable.
"Go on, eat me," she urged. "Fill your babies' bellies." She closed her eyes.
My wrath… is finally… gone.
Squishy: This… My body's getting heavy...
Jo: Hold it together! Don't listen to him!
Depressant: Our Master immerses himself in melancholy regularly to balance His emotions. It serves as a retreat when the frustrations and anxiety become too much. And I wish to extend that same mercy to you.
I'm killing my boy. Your greatest gift to me… and I'm killing him. I must already be dead.
Sara: I feel so… Why..?
Please, listen… We don't want to fight you!
Why are you holding back? I will not!
Cope: How is this… even happening?
I'm so sorry I failed you, Buddy. I miss you so much.
Jo: This is… not what we… need…
Claus was just hasty, that's all. You'll forgive your hasty brother, won't you?
Anna: Too hard to… think…
Depressant: No matter how much you will it to not exist, despair will inevitably seep in. It is as natural as breathing, as unstoppable as the seasons, and as necessary as death. It is exhausting to deny yourselves that liberty. Let it in, reacquaint yourselves and be at peace. Otherwise…
Is it over, Caim?
Depressant: You will be hopelessly devoured.
(The shower becomes a torrent. But everyone is too far gone to notice the rising water: immobilized by the ambient sorrow. Nothing more is said as everything goes away)
Now you sit here in your heartaches. Free from pain, free from worry. There is only the melancholic stillness. This is the closest to absolute harmony anyone will ever achieve. It is yours to relish and discover freely. And when your thinking itself ceases, eternal rest will be yours, at last…
...Only, there is nothing to discover. This sensation is not unfamiliar to any of you. Divine blessings and fortune have only made you forgetful. Now is the time to remember. To recall the bitterness, the helplessness.
Reflect on them. Bring the darker shades of your memory to the light and share them. Remember, to the sound of…
(o/ Undertale)
Squishy
The first time I felt really, really sad, had to have been with the death of Master Ducky. He taught me Basic, introduced me to the galaxy, helped me comprehend my potential as a protector; he was like a second father to me. When he died, I couldn't believe it; it was so sudden, and I never thought it could happen. I felt so incredibly hollow…
Joseph
It gets lonely out there in the vastness of space. I've always been "alone" my whole life, but just wandering around almost aimlessly really drives it home. I put up a decent front around others, but I feel cold inside most of the time. That… fear that there is really no one for me. That it is only just me.
Sara
Will's death was the hardest thing I had to deal with. It was so sudden and random, that I just… The time that went by before he came back was truly difficult. Just, imagine an important part of yourself being ripped out and you're left with this burning emptiness. Some days, it was a pain just to be awake.
Will
People think it's all business when you're in the military. Seldom few know of the kind of camaraderie that is made between squadmates. The best ones make it feel like a second family… which makes their deaths just as painful as that of a close brother or sister. I saw many of mine go out far too quickly, until eventually I was the only one left. It didn't feel right being the one who got to live… But, that's survivor's guilt for ya.
Alex
My mother's passing was among the worst moments of my life. She was positive, lively, one of the wisest women I ever knew. For her life to end so early because modern medicine wasn't advanced enough… that was unacceptable to me. I had lost a beacon of my youth, and the galaxy was indifferent to it. I was so angry; I despised just about everything and everyone. During that miserable period, I had no focus in my life.
Anna
I hurt aloooot of people during my time as the reigning Sith Lord. And it was mostly for petty, stupid reasons; just any excuse to make myself the worst there ever was. Many of my friends on both sides got killed because of my arrogance. Only at the end of it all did I understand how childish and meaningless it all was. Too little too late.
Yet none of you stopped. You kept going in spite of your sorrow and regret.
Joseph
Yeah, well, why would I stop? The galaxy keeps moving even when I'm feeling mopey. There's bad guys still making trouble; someone has to deal with them.
Will
It would be a disservice to my squadmates if I stopped and joined them. Someone has to be around to make sure their sacrifices weren't in vain. And besides, there was at least one person waiting for my sorry self.
Squishy
Ducky wouldn't want me to quit. He taught me that sadness is only a temporary obstacle, and to always try before giving up. It took time for me to accept it, but I eventually did. And I had friends to help.
Alex
Jedi recruiters detected my erratic emotions and really didn't give me a choice. But, they were offering something more than a life of fruitless spite.
Anna
I had died and come back; that's not really something you want to do-over. And I can't exactly make amends if I kicked the bucket then and there.
Sara
There was still work to be done, and friends who counted on me. That's the thing with grieving: you learn to deal with it.
The good that came from this forward motion?
Alex
I made friends, after a fashion. Socializing helped balance me out.
Squishy
I accomplished things no Jawa had ever done before. I also got to meet the love of my life, and become a father.
Sara
I got my William back, and I wasted no time tying the knot.
Anna
A set of friends I could keep around, and a better and more meaningful use for my talents.
Will
An amazing partner for me to protect, and who could give me comfort and make me happy. And eventually, some soldier buddies who can't exactly die.
Joseph
Being able to see another day, knowing I'm living it.
Those came after time healed your traumas, or inundated you to the pain. If you had the chance to prevent or undo those tragedies, avoid the hardship, would you?
Anna
There are so many who I would bring back in a heartbeat, but I've accepted my mistakes a long time ago. Undoing it at this point wouldn't seem right, for all kinds of reasons.
Alex
That is hard for me to say. There's no way of knowing what sort of life I might have led if things had gone different, and I see no point in speculating or dwelling on the topic.
Sara
I honestly can't say, since it worked out for me. Although, with what's happened, I've come to appreciate those who are dear to me even more.
Squishy
I don't think it would have made a difference if Ducky was still alive. It would have been nice if he was around to see what we had done, but… yeah, it's not something I've considered.
Joseph
It builds character. Can't exactly be a lone-wolf type if you remove the "lone" part from the equation. Perhaps it could be nicer, but I'm fine with how it's gone.
Will
I'm with Alex: there's no point dwelling on what's happened. You just gotta live with it.
So you consider those bouts of sorrow as essential to what you are. Though regrettable to have happened, a life without them is literally unthinkable.
Squishy
I guess.
Sara
But no one else needs that.
What do you mean?
Anna
We made peace with our hang-ups and regrets well enough, but that doesn't mean everyone else can be so lucky.
Will
You more or less said that despair destroys people if it's too much for them.
Sara
That's what we're "fighting" against: unnecessary despair. It may have been important to us, but forcing it or just allowing it to happen to others is cruel.
Joseph
That's straight-up Financer dealings right there.
But you behave as though despair in all of its forms should be erased. There have to be emotional lows to balance the highs.
Anna
Obviously. And it's our job to keep in balance on a galactic scale… leaning on the more positive. And we told you before that we're still experiencing emotional lows, you mopey dope.
Joseph
I still get those incredibly lonely nights.
Squishy
I was absolutely terrified at becoming a father at first. And I was a devastated wreck the last time Financer showed up.
Alex
Were you ever.
Will
But like before we still carry on, live to see the promise of something better.
Joseph
Sounds schmaltzy, but hey, that's the way it is.
Squishy
I get how it would look like we've forgotten what hardship is like, and to a degree that's true. But when new hardships arise, we immediately remember. And that memory is what helps us get through those new challenges, including this one.
Joseph
Do you really think we could have made it to the front door if this was our first tango with soul-crushing circumstances?
...I misjudged. I was so focused on the facades you wear, I let myself forget what goes into building such facades. A moment of tragedy can make a lifetime of happiness seem more genuine and deserved. Sometimes, that one singular moment is enough.
Anna
We can't all be sadness junkies like you.
Squishy
But we will be more mindful of the suffering of others, so we can keep making more thoughtful decisions and being appreciative of what we have.
Alex
Although that's impossible to do if there are no "others" to be mindful of. In other words, step aside already.
Will
Or you want to tussle the traditional way?
No. My influence only has lethal bearing on those unfamiliar with tragedy. You have not only accepted tragedy long ago, but have reshaped it into something unique and wondrous. There is no sense in detaining you further.
Joseph
I'm glad one of you recognizes our handiwork.
Anna
It was still a good break. A kinda soulful refresher.
Sara
One which we're not going to let go to waste.
Will
Better luck next time.
Alex
I'll make a note to give Rick your regards. Might make for an interesting reaction.
Squishy
Thanks for understanding.
Again, a pleasure. Now, away with ye; begone from this hollow, and seek your success. For the lives you wish to restore are all potential canvases for the richest melancholy. And who am I to impede such artistry?
Depressant
ACKNOWLEDGED
(A return to glorious light and tangibility, for the Jedi find themselves in a large gathering hall of sorts with widely-spaced pillars, some tasteful floor tilings and little else… except for the Duelist, who stands legs akimbo and arms crossed in the center of the room as he happily awaits the approach of the warriors)
Duelist: From darkness primordial you again stride victorious. Not a single doubt occupied my mind over such an outcome. You have ascended so rapidly, overcome difficulty and anomaly so fervently, and now with the end of your crusade practically within sight, only one thing stands between you and meeting our Master at full strength. It is a reunion most bittersweet, but having you all in attendance makes this worthwhile. You are deeply, joyfully hailed this final time, Jedi.
Jo: It's been a heck of a time for sure, and there's probably gonna be even more heck ahead. But your consistency has become a point of reassurance for us.
Cope: As has your courtesy and sportsmanship. A shame this is the last we'll have it; I have little hope anyone beyond here will hold a fraction of your civility.
Duelist: Tis the fleeting nature of encounters: the best, most endearing ones end about as swiftly as the worst. It falls to the participant whether they're solidified in memory as something significant, be it good or bad.
Squishy: You will certainly be remembered kindly when we get out of this.
Duelist: I thank you, my good-hearted, final opponent. Given that the last few engagements were fairly brief, this final one will be a bit more protracted so that I may selfishly savor your company. And to show a little more effort in my thwarting of you, of course.
Squishy: Of course. No hard feelings from me.
Sara: Or any of us.
Anna: As long as what you have planned isn't a chore for the rest of us to watch.
Duelist: That… I cannot guarantee, but I'm still confident it will be engaging enough. It's similar to our first duel, but involves more mechanics and strategy. A game where the souls of men are the stakes, and the fate of the world hangs in the balance.
Jo: Oh no, are you serious?
Duelist: A hundred percent. Squishy, for this clandestine final battle, we shall play…
(A folding table and chairs spring up, and Duelist holds up two iconically-decorated card decks)
Duelist: Yu-Gi-Oh.
Anna: Oh my god.
Squishy: Really? Wow.
Will: Heheheh, this ought to be good.
(Meanwhile, in a darkened space, a lone observer watches this unfold on a bank of monitors)
?: So your last stand comes down to a children's card game? Well, as long as you make it interesting, Dewey.
(He's barely cozied up in his chair when a red alert blinks and buzzes on the panel)
?: What? What's this? (Checks readings) Another intrusion? How in the… It's not a memory this time. It's… a runaway thought? How the bloody heck is it so potent? It's tearing through subliminal layers like a fever, heading straight for… (Looks to monitors) Oh myyyy…
(Back to our unsuspecting heroes and Duelist)
Duelist: Do you still remember the general rules of play?
Squishy: More or less, though it's been forever since I last played it, and there's been a lot of changes last I heard.
Duelist: Worry not: we will stick to the original ruleset. The deck you will use is customized to suit your style of play, and holds all your favorite cards.
Squishy:Oh, that's cool! Uh, I may need a refresher on some things as we play.
Duelist: That's fine; I'll be glad to provide. Now, if you will take a seat, we can begin—
(There's a rumble)
Cope: What was that?
Duelist: I don't know. That was quite—
(There's an immense blast of masonry, and in a cloud of stone and dust a hulking red figure charges in from the side and shoulder shoves Duelist like a freight train. The Embodiment launches like a put shot through the ceiling, his violent exit marked by a scattering burst of trading cards. Amid the shower of fluttering cardboard, the mysterious attacker remains hunched for dramatic purposes)
Mystery Man: It has been a long time coming, Jedi. But as the saying goes: the time has come, and so have I.
(As the last cards settle to the ground, the man turns and straightens to reveal his immense size and outlandish attire. Red and orange armor in ancient Asian style, covering gray skin. A cloth helmet bearing gilded horns covers most of his lion-esque face, but his deep eyes are as striking as that of the fiercest Noh mask)
Mystery Man: I see you tremble. Your bodies know on an instinctual level the absolute doom that has burst onto the scene, which is no surprise before a warrior as supreme as…
(His rambling is disrupted as he eyes the table that's obscuring his waist)
Mystery Man: Why's there a table here? It's ruining my delivery!
(He flips the table aside with his meaty arms and petulantly kicks the chairs out of frame, showing off his fancy weathered boots and battle skirt)
Anna: Excuse me, who are you?
Mystery Man: Hrrahh; don't think you can make jest just because I was waylaid by an incursion of furniture.
Anna: What part of my tone makes you think I'm jesting?
Mystery Man:...You really don't remember me? Of my incredibleness? What of my name?
Anna: No bells, dude.
Will: You're just some weirdo as far as we can see.
Red Weirdo: T-That's impossible! I am among the most unforgettable icons in the lexicons of fantasy, and THAT IS NOT MY NAME YOU LOATHSOME TYPESETTER! I am the one and only GILGAMESH! The greatest swordsman in Ivalice, and everywhere else! And you will keep it as such, lest I make sashimi out of you!
Cope: Oh, from Final Fantasy. Now I remember.
Squishy: I knew who you were. I just wanted to see how this conversation would go.
Gilgamesh: See? It's exactly this kind of mockery and disrespect that I am here to begin with: to right the wrongs that have been done to me, GILGAMESH!
Jo: What did we do to bring you here busting and shouting and yeeting the one decent guy in this place?
Gilgamesh: Typical hero-types, always forgetting the critical details. (Shifts to the side in brooding fashion) If you don't remember my name nor my credentials, then surely you recall our first engagement. It was on the literal steps leading to the climax of Episode Three of Trilogy Eleven, as you were hurrying to the epic final showdown. You needed to Force Your Way through numerous classical foes before you could get to the Big Bad, and I was the one you faced right before the doors of the boss arena. Does that resonate with your memory?
Jo: Vaguely..?
Will: It's been, like, almost two years since then? Other major things have happened; minor details tend to get lost in the shuffle.
Gilgamesh: It may have seemed like two years to you, but to me it was practically yesterday. And it was anything but minor! I was humiliated, devastated, distraught, shaken to my very rugged yet nubile core. It was my big breakout moment in this universe, and you brushed me aside like some ant. And it was only after one attack; you jerks didn't even let me do a second one, when you gave the others multiple turns!
Sara: Huh. I do remember feeling something like a scratch right before we faced Alexander.
Gilgamesh: Grk!
Squishy: Your problem was that you opened with your weakest attack. You should have used something stronger if you wanted to impress us.
Gilgamesh: (Menacing) Ho ho ho ho ho; that's exactly what I set out to do, little dwarf. (Faces group) After recovering myself both bodily and spiritually, I deliberated and realized that my folly rested solely on my weapon of choice. I needed to improve my arsenal with weapons befitting my impeccable fighting prowess, so I scoured the furthest marches of the imagination for the finest hand-wielded death dealers. I traversed lands far and weird, fought horrors and combatants renowned, but the harvest is finally over, and I have returned triumphantly to redeem myself with the select fruits of my labors.
Anna: Sounds to me like you're having serious compensation issues. It's not how fancy or deadly a weapon is that matters: it's how it's used.
Gilgamesh: Well then you should've allowed me more than one hit, but no! You superficial space wizards dismissed my single feeble blade, but now there's no way you'll be able to deny the platter I have gathered specifically for you.
Jo: Dude, we were in a hurry and literally didn't have the time to die by a thousand cuts. Stop being so personal about that.
Gilgamesh: I take all my unfair defeats personally, and I've put in too much effort and waited nearly two entire trilogies to just Let It Go. If you want to get to the end of this episode, you'll have to go through me.
Squishy: Okay sheesh we'll have a rematch. I suppose you want to take on all of us instead of just me?
Gilgamesh: You bet your marketable plushie potential I want all of you. (Draws out arms, each holding a curved sword) And believe me when I say I'm going all-out this time around! (Four more arms sprout from his sides, each armed with similarly curved blades)
Anna: What the f*** you can grow arms?
Gilgamesh: Oh yes I can; even more, in fact! But this will be enough: six arms for six Jedi. I was expecting seven, but I could easily deal with ten. Even eleven; twelve might be pushing it.
Cope: Can you just stop yammering so we can get this over with?
Gilgamesh: Eager for the slaughter, are we? Very well. (Flourishes his swords and does a ceremonial war dance, ending with a mighty stomp that blows away the scattered Yu-Gi-Oh cards) Then we fight!
(The Jedi activate their lightsabers as FFXII's rendition of "Clash on the Big Bridge" begins)
Gilgamesh:...after this plays out a bit.
(Most everyone scowls as they ease slightly and let the tranquil opening seconds of the song play out. When the brass comes in)
Cope: Now?
Gilgamesh: Not yet.
(Some more impatient seconds pass)
Jo: How much long—
Gilgamesh: A little more. Wait for it. Aaaaaaaand… now!
(The swordsman dashes forward with swords primed. He knocks away five Jedi in an instant, and does a spinning whirl to give Squishy a similar hello before the melee commences in earnest. Gilgamesh engages with everyone simultaneously, his arms expertly flailing around his swords like a thresher, and even using his meaty legs to kick away the likes of Will. Sara and Cope unite and press hard at the swordsman's front, locking him in place in a shower of sparks and refracted light. This is only temporary as Gilgamesh pushes and backflips his way to freedom, landing and looking at his opponents with delight)
Gilgamesh: Ha ha HA! I see you are hungry for the buffet of demise I have prepared for you. Well, salivate no further. (Puts away a sword) Here is your first course!
(From his back his upper left arm draws out the sinister, long, and ludicrously jagged Dark Dragon Blade, its obsidian coating absorbing all light. Will comes running, but Gilgamesh slashes his new weapon high, summoning a dragon of malevolent dark energy that Will manages to leap away from. Gilgamesh doesn't have time to mock as other Jedi pounce on him, yet he parries and swings the hefty cursed steel like it's bamboo. He manages to catch Anna and Jo's lightsaber in the sword's edges and yank them from their grips, but Cope swipes from the side and a leaping Squishy brings down a strike narrowly caught by one of the standard swords. Gilgamesh spins the Dragon Blade wide to get some breathing room and allow a short retreat)
Gilgamesh: Hmm, perhaps that dish was a bit too hearty for your liking. Let's go with something a little lighter.
(His upper right arm draws out a fairly standard, slightly stunted broadsword, but one that shimmers with a heroic sheen)
Cope: The Masamune? How in the worlds did you get that?
Gilgamesh: Ah, a fellow appreciator of quality RPGs lacking a crucial cameo, I see. Well, I could give you the straight skinny, or I could SHOW IT OFF!
(He slams the blade into the ground, and a massive crag bursts out mere inches from the Jedi. The rock formation bursts as Gilgamesh cuts through with the Dark Dragon Blade for a surprise attack)
Gilgamesh: You wouldn't give me the time of day, so I'm giving you no explanations!
(Gilgamesh puts his ill-gotten Masamune to work by having it slam boulders and rocks from the ground, which then get set ablaze with black fire from the dragon sword. Anna remains cool under all this fire, and getting herself into an open spot she holds out her arms and unleashes the lightning, dispersing the flames and holding up the remaining rocks in spheres of crackling electricity)
Gilgamesh: Nani?!
Anna: (Smirk) You're not the only one who's got fancy, inexplicable tricks.
(Anna waves her arms to send the electrified rocks right at Gilgamesh, who gets pelted while trying to cut down the shocking missiles. One large rock goes off in a flash that blinds him momentarily, allowing several stones to bombard him unimpeded. His vision restores as he's set upon by Sara, Will, Jo and Squishy, putting him into a strained defensive until he drives Masamune into the ground to shoot up a rocky barrier. In this pause he notices Anna charging from the rear, so with crazy fluidity his right hand brings a reed flute to his mouth, he plays some quick notes then draws it back as a pink beam of light emerges, which he swings around to catch Anna's lightsaber and push her away)
Anna: What fresh bulls*** is this?
Gilgamesh: You can't be the only ones with fancy light swords.
(Having unveiled the Lunarian blade Pillow Talk, Gilgamesh begins employing acrobatics to his fight routine. Flips, somersaults, handstands, cartwheels, even a motherf***ing pirouette go into dazzling and frustrating the Jedi)
Squishy: Stop moving around so much!
Sara: Who knew someone so big can be so nimble.
Cope: He is technically a dragoon. And don't forget about John Blubsoe.
Sara: Ugh. I wish I could.
Gilgamesh: All this banter in the middle of our fight, it must mean you're still not taking me seriously. (Sticks a landing, allowing the Jedi to encircle and charge) In every fight for life and death… (Left hand reaches behind) You have got to put your very soul into it!
(He draws out the massive, nightmarishly misshapen Soul Edge in a mighty sweep that blows back his attackers. With the space clear, he brings up the fleshy blade to allow its pulsating eye to get a good look at the heroes)
Jo: First food metaphors and now a pun? You just forfeited whatever credibility you had straight into the dumpster.
Gilgamesh: Funny: that's exactly where I'm dumping you once I've minced you into ground chuck!
(Soul Edge provides some hefty zone management, its bulk making its swipes and slashes something to steer clear of, and combined with the Dark Dragon Blade he's practically unreachable. Anna tries her lightning, but Gilgamesh uses Pillow Talk to absorb and nullify it, giving rise to a chortle. After finishing a silly yet menacing spinning move, Gilgamesh stops and plants Soul Edge into the ground)
Gilgamesh: Here's a cool trick.
(The grotesque eye flashes, and suddenly the entire room is bathed in a nightmarish pink and orange haze. The Jedi become stricken and cringe from fresh inner turmoil, causing the swordsman to cackle heartily. It's short-lived as the Jedi straighten up, fully composed)
Gilgamesh: What? How?
Squishy: Sorry, but we've faced too many actual nightmares to fall for something like that.
(The Jedi charge, and in his position Gilgamesh can't go back to zoning. He can only feebly ward off strikes from Sara and Anna before he takes a slash from Jo, Cope, a shin stab by Squishy, then a flying spin kick from Sara that knocks him tumbling away before he uprights and halts his skid. The nightmare haze dispelled, Gilgamesh levels his gaze at his opponents while shaking himself up)
Gilgamesh: Alright. No mind games. Just plain action. (His lower left hand pulls out a massive blade with a slick black and red handle) Let's Rock!
(He charges once more at the heroes, swinging the latest blade like an axe and at one point doing an aerial spin guillotine move with it. Soon Will locks saber with blade and the two combatants stare each other down)
Will: Another oversized meat cleaver? Really faltering in the creativity there.
Gilgamesh: Easy to assume at first glance to your amateur eye, until you witness its other feature!
(The blade shoots up along the handle and snaps out at a perpendicular angle at the tip, and from its back a violent red claw of energy pops out, its appearance prompting Gilgamesh to yank it aside and dislodge Will from his personal space, allowing a clear view of the morphed weapon)
Gilgamesh: I'll admit it took me a while to figure out how to get it like this. (Does some swings) Pretty wicked, right? And perfect for the harvest!
(The Blood Scythe Aramasa lives up to its title as it cuts menacing swathes through the air in pursuit of the Jedi, who don't want to tangle with that radiant business end. Cope tries to get behind but Gilgamesh turns about to face him, delivering a killer swing that the tall Jedi barely bends from. Anna comes over to assist, going in aggressively to prevent the use of Aramasa and force Pillow Talk back into play. Other Jedi rush in to do the same, but Gilgamesh pushes them back with Soul Edge and Dragon Blade, allowing him a moment to reach Aramasa behind him and snag Jo's collar)
Gilgamesh: Get over here!
(He yanks up the Grand Master and slams him down on his allies, flattening the group. Gilgamesh does a flourish and manages one gloat before the Blood Scythe's red blade disappears and reverts back to sword form)
Gilgamesh: Hey! You can't be out of juice already!
Will: You should've recharged before barging in here, dude.
Gilgamesh: Shut up!
(Gilgamesh quickly wises up when Will locks with him in an instant, only now the Jedi knocks his chin with an uppercut and sticks an elbow to his gut. As the swordsman staggers backwards Squishy rushes up and rams his lightsaber into his bunghole, causing him to leap, holler, and run around in flailing pain, right to an awaiting Anna who sticks out a leg that sends him falling all over himself. Gilgamesh gets back up utterly fuming)
Gilgamesh: I'm getting sick of you tripping me up when it should be me tripping you up!
Cope: If you focused more on actually fighting instead of showing off you wouldn't have to worry about looking like an a**!
Gilgamesh: No; clearly I'm not showing off enough! The all-conquering GILGAMESH operates best without restraint, so enough reservation; enough poise!
(His final arm draws out and slashes with the infamous, skull-and-bones demon slaying sword Rebellion)
Gilgamesh: Things are about to get CRAZY in here!
(The music suddenly switches to "Devils Never Cry" from DMC3 as Gilgamesh goes ballistic and literally throws himself at the Jedi with devastating lunge thrusts, spinning Rebellion in his palm like a buzzsaw, even tossing it like a boomerang, all while making yells and shouting mad phrases)
Gilgamesh: Hyeah! Come on! Round Trip! Spandex! Yahoo!
(The other weapons go nutso as well. Pillow Talk gets strummed to shoot out electro-balls, Masamune brings up rocks that fire off like bullets, and Soul Edge and Dark Dragon Blade send out waves of dark hellfire. It's about all the Jedi can do to hold against the rapid-paced onslaught as Gilgamesh styles all over the place, a letter grade steadily rising starting from C in the upper corner of the screen. It soon reaches Stylish, causing Gilgamesh to flash)
Gilgamesh: Awww yes, my tension is maxed out! Time to engage Genji Trigger!
(Another flash and Gilgamesh has morphed to one-and-a-half times his size, bearing two extra arms loaded with weapons other than swords)
Squishy: Oh My God he's gotten bigger!
Anna: For real?
Gilgamesh: I told you I could grow more arms. Now perish!
(He goes into overdrive with his attacks, this time swinging with a mace and jabbing with a spear on top of everything else. No one can really put a stop to him, or even get an edge on him, until)
Sara: Look out, Jo!
(The camera goes Slo-Mo and Zooms-In as Jo does a twirl to evade a spear thrust, then strikes an explosively Viewtiful pose that blows Gilgamesh back. In his daze, Will and Cope rush up to him, slice off his two extra arms and batter him with both weapons and flesh. As he's preoccupied, Jo takes position before him, and after Squishy gets onto his shoulders the two pull back their lightsabers and hold. Anna in that instant fires lightning at their sabers, supercharging them to near critical overload. Then as one, the Jedi pair unleash a combined golf swing of unbridled energy straight into Gilgamesh, blowing him away in spectacular crackling fashion. The swordsman manages an aerial flip that lets him hit the ground feet first, but the blow has burnt out his Genji Trigger and returned him back to normal. Furthermore, he's looking exhausted: hunched slightly, arms sagging, and quite audible heavy breaths)
Cope: Are you finally done?
(After some more breaths, a glint shines from the wanderer's eye)
Gilgamesh: I say that's enough of a warm-up.
(In one swift motion he throws back his arms and releases his grip, sending the six swords to embed in the distant back wall)
Jo: Oh don't give us that crap! We just beat everything you threw at us and you're obviously worn out. And you just disarmed yourself.
Will: That's typically the sign for surrender, at least around here.
Gilgamesh: Then you clearly haven't watched enough anime. All you've done was prove yourselves worthy of facing my ultimate weapon. (Retracts his arms so it's just the two) For overcoming the six gates of pain, I can now finally reveal the pièce de résistance, the crème de la crème, and other French phrases for something super important and magnificent.
(He reaches behind him and pulls out a longsword in a brown leather scabbard, an ornate pommel and hilt gleaming in the light)
Anna: So just another frickin' sword. What random game is this one from?
Gilgamesh: (Serious) No game. It's from somewhere far more ancient. (Holding up the scabbard in his left hand, the right takes hold of the hilt) Feast your eyes on the greatest, most legendary sword in existence.
(Slowly he draws the sword from the scabbard, revealing metal so polished and unblemished it's practically divine. After several bated seconds the entirety of the clefted blade is free of its holder, and with utmost respect Gilgamesh holds up the sword so it can bask fully in the light as well as the captivated looks of the Jedi. On some primal level, they already know exactly what has been unveiled)
Will: Impossible…
Squishy: That can't really be...
Gilgamesh: Caledfwlch, Caliburnus, the sword of the Once and Future King, and just as regaled and remembered. The base model for all swords of legend. I present to you... Excalibur. (He lowers it, delicately rubbing its surface with his fingertips) I spent so long searching for it, delving into the deepest dungeons and scouring untold numbers of fortified treasure stores, when all I had to do was go to the source. Now, it is finally mine. (Gives it a few flourishes) And you shall all have the honor of falling to its divine edge. Tremble before its brilliance!
(Gilgamesh thrusts Excalibur high, and instantly it shines with blinding holy radiance. Before such majesty, every lightsaber flickers and deactivates)
Sara: Hey, my lightsaber.
Jo: (Switches his on and off to no effect) What the freak did you do?
Gilgamesh: Excalibur only recognizes weapons that have been forged by traditional means: through fire and mettle. Your futuristic toys are unworthy to bathe in its glory, much less clash with it.
Cope: Now hold the phone, our lightsabers are not toys! Each one is handmade and requires considerable time and precision to get working; they're not something you can buy at a Walmart ready-made!
Will: Yeah; that sword is full of itself.
Gilgamesh: Set in the old ways, you may say, but that is how it is. However, I recognize the complication this presents, and being the merciful soul I am, here: (Pulls out another longsword) You can fight over this.
(He carelessly tosses the weapon to the ground, where it rattles and skids. It looks very similar to Excalibur, only… of far worse quality. Dull edges, some specks of rust, and not one single polished spot on it, like it was left exposed to the elements for years. A poor imitation most deserving of the name Excalipoor)
Gilgamesh: That sad excuse of a blade has hindered me enough; now it may serve as your salvation. We can switch to one-on-one duels to prolong the inevitable if you want. Maybe by the time I cut your number down to one, you'll have learned enough how to use a regular sword to put up a half-decent fight. (Derisive chuckle)
Jo: How is this fair in any way?
Anna: Seriously; that thing looks like it'll snap in half just by blowing on it.
Gilgamesh: Then you'll have a short sword to work with, bwa ha ha ha!
Sara: You are such an a**.
Gilgamesh: An a** on the cusp of victory!
(Squishy has gone over to Excalipoor to look it over)
Squishy: Eggh, it looks even worse up close. How could you have mistaken this for Excalibur in the first place? (Picks it up) Huh. It has good balance, surprisingly. And weirdly light for its size.
(There is a ting as the blade glimmers)
Squishy: Huh? (A ringing arises) What the?
(The glimmer and ringing intensifies)
Cope: What is—?
(There is an all-consuming flash)
Will: Aaggh, my head…
Anna: Did that a**hole just attack us?
Jo: It felt like the floor gave way… and being thrown in the air at the same time?
Sara: Uhhh, guys, where are we?
(Everyone gets up and find themselves standing on square, multicolored blocks of some earthen material, set at uneven heights and connected to form an island hanging in a dusky void)
Jo: The h*** sort of place is this?
Will: And why is it so isometric?
Cope: Lord, don't tell me we somehow fell into Minecraft.
Squishy: This actually looks more like Item World.
Anna: Item what?
Squishy: It's something from Disgaea 2. You go into an item and clear out dungeons to make them better.
Anna: So what item are we in, then?
(Will looks around, sees something and hops in place before addressing the group)
Will: I say that's a pretty big clue right over there.
(In the near distance off the island, a massive version of Excalipoor hangs before the sphere that is the dimension's light source)
Jo: Yeah; no kidding, Will.
Squishy: That's what must have happened: we got sucked into Excalipoor.
Sara: How, though?
Jo: The better question is how do we get out?
Squishy: We would either get to the lowest level or use an Exit Door, which we don't have.
Will: Do we really have to go dungeon-crawling?
Cope: Not unless some sort of asinine shortcut or exit presents itself, which is a likely possibility given our track record.
So you're Squishy.
(Everyone looks around)
Squishy: Who said that?
Don't worry: I got this.
(A set of purple claws reach down and grasp Excalipoor's hilt before everything goes white)
(Gilgamesh stands blinking and perplexed, finding himself completely alone and awkwardly holding the sword of kings)
Gilgamesh: Where, where did they go? (Looks around and rubs chin) Did they cancel each other out from dimensional incompatibility? I've never seen that happen before. (Shakes head with a sigh) That's a massive letdown. After all that build-up and I have no one to use this—
(He spots something above and leaps away right before it slams down with fiery force. Gilgamesh touches down in a crouch and skids, and after stopping he looks up to see this sudden assailant. As he does so, the surrounding walls and ceiling fall away to reveal a backdrop of lively flames, their reveal coinciding with the attacker standing from their own crouch. Below-average height, but slender and fit, wearing a dress shirt and open black jacket, with smooth purple scales, a spade-tipped tail, and Excalipoor slung casually over their shoulders like they own it. The flickering lights keep the newcomer's face in shadow, though there's a striking flash of green that seemingly calls out the confused Gilgamesh. The fella's posture and manner of arrival make it glaringly obvious what's about to go down)
o/ Zero-Two (K64 Ver.)
(The stranger charges forward and brings down Excalipoor, which Gilgamesh barely catches in time with Excalibur. The attacker ducks to the right and brings up a swift slash, forcing Gilgamesh to slide to the side before he brings Excalibur down on his abandoned blade. Metallic clangs sound as the two exchange matched blows, until the purple one switches to rapid thrusts that disrupt Gilgamesh's rhythm. As he dodges he's too distracted to spot the tail sweep that takes out his feet and sends him to the floor. He's able to roll aside to avoid a down stab and kick his opponent away in order to get back up. The scaly one cricks their neck before charging again, only Gilgamesh dashes to meet him head-on with his own disrupting swipes. He then lands a headbutt, grabs the guy's suit and readies to run him through, however his captive cartwheels in his grip and slams an ankle into his head, making him release his hold as he stumbles sideways. But he steadies himself with a wide wild swing in the other direction that knocks away the sword going for his exposed side, then presses himself and Excalibur against the alien fighter and Excalipoor.
(The two shuffle about the room in a deadly dance of swings, slashes and thrusts, their shadows moving chaotically before the flaming backdrop. Gilgamesh backs his opponent to a pillar, but they spring up and kick off it to try landing a clawed foot on Gilgamesh's collarbone. But Gilgamesh hops back and counters with a fierce upward slash that cuts through much of the stranger's right shoulder. They stagger, then raise Excalipoor to block a strike before leaping back, leaving blood drippings in their wake. Then to Gilgamesh's surprise the shorter being claws at their wound, slathers a handful of blood on the rusty blade, then with a flick the sword erupts with a fiery emerald coating. Gilgamesh refocuses and resumes the attack, steel clashing with flaming steel, until his foe backs up and drives Excalipoor into the ground, creating an explosive splash of malachite. It takes Gilgamesh a moment to look up and see his opponent plunging downward, then leaps back in time and lunges for some payback. But his opposite thrusts their ill-gotten sword into Excalibur, resulting in another explosive burst that blows Gilgamesh far back into a pillar.
(Rising from the rubble, Gilgamesh sees the suited reptile making rapid swipes, each one unleashing a flaming jade crescent his way. Gilgamesh gets to dodging and blocking the projectiles, his counter swings moving in time to the music. Eventually a massive crescent is sent along the floor, forcing Gilgamesh to roll away. Righting himself up, he sees his foe has sprouted blazing wings of chartreuse that add a menacing shimmer to the air as well as to Excalipoor. They take up the blade with both claws, pull back, then launch like a jet at Gilgamesh, a great blinding explosion erupting the moment Excalipoor connects with a raised Excalibur. When the air clears, Excalibur plants itself in the floor some meters away. Gilgamesh has collapsed onto a knee, stiffening at the feel of cold rough metal pressed against the side of his throat. His opponent, bleeding and smoking, stares him down. Though dull, Excalipoor is just sharp enough where it matters. Finally past his limit and wholly unarmed, Gilgamesh lowers his head in submission. The victor's short snout makes a grin before everything flashes white)
(There's clanging as Excalipoor clatters onto the ground before its defeated master. The room has returned to normal, and the Jedi have returned as well, if slightly confused)
Cope: And like that, we're back. And it required zero effort.
Will: Seemed like a weird and random waste of time.
Squishy: Although something has happened. Look over there.
(Gilgamesh is deaf to all this commentary, his focus set squarely on the crummy sword before him. On his knees with head hung low, he looks quite small)
Gilgamesh: What… how did this happen? Mighty Excalibur, outdone by this lowly bit of miserable scrap. It's not possible.
(Right then, Excalipoor raises itself and balances on its tip, wobbling as it speaks in an agitated fashion)
Excalipoor: It's totally possible if you're a scrub, ya dumb palooka!
Sara: That sword can talk? (Looks to Squishy)
Squishy: That's new to me.
Excalipoor: I'm just full of surprises, shrimp. And I'm explaining none of it!
(Again, Gilgamesh ignores any Jedi-related banter)
Gilgamesh: But, I'm the great Gilgamesh. The indelible swordsman, Final Fantasy's most iconic recurring character. I'm even voiced by John DiMaggio; you don't get billing like that for just anyone!
Excalipoor: Oh yeah, that does wonders for your ego, but it's jack squat when it comes to actually being good at swordplay! For years you kept putting the blame of your cruddy losses on me, and you tossing me aside for that overrated razor was the last straw! So I went and summoned that lanky lizard kid to show you what's what, and it only cost a little life force from those six schmoes.
Jo: Our what, sorry?
Excalipoor: You'll grow it back, don't worry about it. Now as I was saying, even with your fancy sword of legend you got your yee-yee gypsy a** handed to you by someone barely old enough to drink, with a "sorry excuse of a blade" at that. Why? Because he knows how to fight! A half-melted spoon can be a deadly weapon in the right hands, which is basically what barrel of funbags over there told you: it's about the user, not the tool.
Anna: What did you call me?
Excalipoor: I was just complimenting your figure, toots. And don't think I didn't hear what you said about me earlier, so don't go getting bent out of shape.
Anna: It's you who's gonna be bent out of shape when I get over there.
(Cope plants a halting hand on her shoulder)
Cope: That sword is clearly made from very crude materials, dear. There's no need to sink to its level.
Squishy: Wait, that raises a question: if you wanted to be the greatest swordsman, why did you keep something so weak?
Excalipoor: Yeah, Tiny makes a point. You could have scored your hollow victory if I weren't around, so why have you been lugging me around all this time, instead of throwing me out at the first opportunity and saving us both the woes to come?
Gilgamesh:...I had considered it, but then it occurred to me that I was the only person to claim you, and that there wasn't another sword quite like you. I had something nobody else had, or could ever have. Something truly unique that was mine and mine alone.
Excalipoor: And there's that pride again, mucking up your precious pursuit of glory. But it shows you're sentimental, and I can't diss you for that. However, if you're gonna keep me around, you're gonna need to try at being a good fighter. No more gimmicks; no more aping off other peoples' work and cred. Just plain ol' mastery of the blade. Capiche?
(Excalipoor tips its hilt toward Gilgamesh. Gingerly, the swordsman accepts it, gently holding the worn blade with both hands)
Gilgamesh: Even after I insulted and abandoned you, you're still willing to lend me your support. You truly have been a steadfast companion, nearly as much as sweet Enkidu. A fool I, the humbled Gilgamesh, have been to have not understood this until now, when my life was nearly made forfeit by my arrogant desire for recognition and power. Though made to sunder lives, you have granted more mercy than I deserve.
Excalipoor: Quit being all sappy ya lug. Just don't make this mistake again, or I'm gonna have to summon something far worse than some brooding skink.
Gilgamesh: Yes, I shall not. Mark my words, I am a changed man. From this day forth, Gilgamesh will make use of and master the weapons in his possession, rather than take those of others for an easy, undeserved win. Only then will I be worthy of being great. (To heroes) Jedi, in spite of our contentions, this confrontation has helped bring about this personal revelation, and that alone warrants my eternal gratitude.
Jo: Well… you're welcome, I guess. Kinda wished we didn't have to do so much fighting.
Sara: But it's good you learned an important lesson and seem sincere in making the most of it.
Gilgamesh: And that I shall, believe you me. Perhaps one day we can make amends with a proper spar. No tricks; just you and I on the simplest ter—WHO THE H*** ARE YOU?!
(Everyone looks around, and Gilgamesh springs up in a flash)
Gilgamesh: Super Secret Genji Art: SNEAK ATTACK!
(He draws back Excalipoor and tears through the Jedi with a lightning-quick slash, knocking everyone spinning to the floor for a devastating one point of damage each)
Gilgamesh: YES! I DID IT! The mighty Jedi have fallen to the weakest weapon imaginable, delivered by ME! The greatest swordsman REMAINS THE GREATEST! REDEMPTION IS MINE! HAHAHAHAHAA! Come, Enkidu! (A green devil dog leaps to his side) There are heroes to harass and doors to hide behind from which such harassment shall commence. We are off; so long, LOSERS!
(Chortling like a dipstick, Gilgamesh and his canine companion shoot off and punch a hole through the ceiling, leaving the Jedi recumbent and bemused on the ground)
Anna: What, the fudge just happened?
Will: Did we actually lose?
Sara: I don't feel defeated, only… really confused.
Jo: Squish, go check if the door's unlocked.
Squishy: Oh, right!
(Squishy gets up and hurries over to the door at the other end of the room. In a moment, there's the sound of a loosening latch)
Squishy: It's open!
Jo: Well, alright then. We only had to withstand whatever the freak it was that just took place. (He says as he and the others get up)
Sara: It might have opened when Duelist got knocked out of here.
Cope: I would be incredibly miffed if it had been unlocked this whole time.
Will: It wasn't a half-bad diversion, fighting some rando that wasn't a demi-god. (Pats himself off) Almost like we were back home. (Pulls out and switches his lightsaber on and off a few times) At least he didn't outright destroy our lightsabers.
Anna: Real thoughtful of him. But alas, it's back to the grind and dealing with these emotionally-unbalanced mooks.
Jo: Yes unfortunately. Although… didn't Duelist say how the end was within sight?
Squishy: Yeah; it was practically the first thing he said.
Sara: You don't think…
(Everyone looks at the door)
Will: Let's go.
Cope: Affirmative.
(Not another word is wasted as our mussied yet victorious[?] heroes hurry to the exit, a new anticipation restoring their vigor as they vacate the Duelist's final arena. Anticipation for the end… and the dread of that which they seek to confront)
(The group hurry down the darkened corridor but slow to a halt upon reaching a door outlined in light. With minor trepidation Jo takes the handle, turns and opens. Eyes adjusting to the light beyond, the Jedi enter and crowd into a remarkably nice room. Round and spacious like a subterranean grotto, there's a sleeping nook to the left with a large round bed and a single long, uneven pillow. Directly across from the Jedi is a tall bookcase absolutely packed with tomes of different sizes, and this stands beside a wide aperture that goes out onto a balcony overlooking the night-like void of the outside. On the other end of the room is an entertainment center with TV and game consoles hooked up, and a rounded glass case displaying rows of colorful items. It's a lot for the heroes to take in, given the decor they've seen up to now)
Cope: Ye gods: a room with actual character… and is "livable".
Sara: Romanticist had a nice set of rooms for himself. But this is really nice too: like an open-air suite in one of the upscale hotels in Hanna City, minus the… view.
Will: It's sure got "Master's Chamber" written all over it.
Squishy: Though he doesn't appear to be in.
Jo: No he doesn't.
(Everyone contemplates a moment)
Anna: Let's go through his stuff.
Will: Let's.
(The group disperses to investigate the room. Cope and Sara go have a closer look at the bookcase)
Sara: He's got a huge collection.
Cope: With genres are all over the place. There's a lot of EU novels, naturally. A smattering of classics, and a bunch of Terry Pratchett and Piers Anthony, whoever that is.
(Anna is pulling open drawers on a nightstand)
Anna: Even more books in here. It's the makings of a very lonely weirdo… which comes as no surprise to anyone.
Jo: Closet of clothes over here. (He says as he's pushing aside hangers of outfits) Eclectic to say the least. Both too much and barely any fashion sense.
(Will has crouched by the TV, looking over a small crate)
Will: DVDs and game collection right here. Looks like the most advanced thing he's got is a 360, except there's … (He pulls out a black tablet with buttons and joysticks) Something called a "Nintendo Switch"? Hey Squish, you ever seen or heard of this? Squish?
(Over by the glass display case, Squishy is stuffing his face with all kinds of moist cakes)
Jo: Squishy, what the heck are you doing?
Squishy: Guys, this glass case is full of pastries, and they're soooo good! (Keeps nomming)
Jo: Good enough to clog your frickin' esophagus?
Squishy: I'm starving, alright? I hardly had breakfast and all this fighting has my stomach whimpering. There's plenty here if any of you want some. I'm talking endless. It's like a TARDIS, but for cake.
Will: Dude, what if that stuff's poisoned?
Squishy:...Why would he poison his food?
Anna: Maybe as a trap for some hungry dingus?
?: Naw, those goods are totally good.
(Everyone looks with a start to the bed, where a man with very scraggly hair has unfolded atop the sheets. He's wearing a Led Zeppelin shirt and grey sweatpants, and combined with splotchy glasses and a glazed look, he's got a slovenly but chill AF thing going)
Jo: Anna, how did you not notice him?
Anna: Don't try telling me he didn't look like a bunch of lumpy pillows to you. He still does!
Dude: Hey it's all cool, guys. Fair assumption to make: I'm as laid back as a bunch of pillows, y'know? And don't worry about raiding the dessert bar. It's like, infinite, and besides: su casa is mi casa, or something, hahah. Hey, can you toss me over a chunk of pound cake, little man?
Squishy: Uh, sure.
(Squishy grabs a square cake and throws it over to the layabout)
Dude: There's really nothing better to wake up to than one of these, I tell ya. (Starts eating it messily)
Cope: Who are you, exactly?
Dude: Mrmph? Oh, sorry bout that. Totally rude. (He speaks through a spray of crumbs) I'm called the Dreamer. I like, embody all there is when it comes to… letting your mind drift, taking things easy, getting absorbed in the flow of the universe without stressing out. Just like, the best way to take on life. (Resumes eating)
Will: Oh great: an actual hippie.
Jo: Where's your boss?
Dreamer: (Finishes eating) Master? He's like, up in his office. Always is; being in charge means never leaving the helm, otherwise we like, totally wreck.
Anna: So he has a guy like you watching his stuff at all times? Have to say, you're doing a stellar job of it.
Dreamer: What? Naw, sis, this isn't Master's stuff. This is all Contractor's.
Squishy: Contractor?
Cope: What?!
Sara: Really?
Dreamer: Real really. This is his room, or was his room. And technically my room, since we're roomies. Or were roomies.
Will: Is that right? You know, I never imagined Contractor having his own place.
Sara: Guess we were bound to come upon it at some point, and it makes sense it'd be so high up.
Squishy: It really does have a Contractor feel to it. (Nibbles some cake)
Anna: I suppose that with him gone, this room and everything in it is now yours.
Dreamer: Yeah, but I don't have the energy to use most of this stuff, y'know? I mainly just bunk here and wile away like a wiler, bouncing ideas off Contractor during his brainstorm sesshes. Though he was mostly bouncing ideas off me, which was cool. I was fine with listening, and he didn't mind me not saying much in the way of input or, uh, criticism. A real drag that he's gone, though things are way more still. Which I'm totally down for.
Cope: Riveting.
Jo: Well we're looking to change that by having a word with your master.
Dreamer: Yeah, I'm aware, and more power to ya. I ain't gonna hassle ya; given everyone you've taken down, I wouldn't stand a chance. I'm a viber, not a fighter, huh-huh-huh.
Sara: Then can you tell us where your master's office is?
Dreamer: Sure, no sweat. I can even show you if you want.
Anna: Would you, if that's not too inconvenient?
Dreamer: Yeah. Let me just… get up here.
(The Embodiment drags himself out of bed and shuffles across the room. Passing Sara and Cope, he goes to the side of the aperture and pats at a hidden panel, which causes a long radiant bridge of light to spring from the edge of the balcony into the endless dark. The closest Jedi peer out, and following the absurd length of the bridge, they can sorta see large edifices hanging in the distance)
Cope: Your master is all the way over there?
Dreamer: Hyeah; I know it's real far, but the boss likes having his space, y'know. It'll take some time, but once you're on the other side, it's like a few steps and you're in the Master's suite. And the walk over is totally safe, if you stick to the middle.
Sara: Is the castle warping in on itself? Where this walkway is pointing, there shouldn't be anything out there.
Dreamer: It's the way of the Master's will, girl. It's His domain; He can make it as wacky and bendy as He wants. But Contractor always had a direct line to Him, so no freaking out is necessary.
Jo: Well, I don't really see any alternatives. And there are no other ways to him, right?
Dreamer: No other, broseph.
Jo: Don't call me that.
Dreamer: Gotcha.
Jo: Anway, our latest course is set, so let's leave. And I mean right now, Squish; put down the cake so we can mosey.
Squishy: Alright alright. Do any of you want some for the road?
Cope: We'll save our appetites for the homecoming banquet.
Sara: Thank you for the help, Dreamer.
Dreamer: Sure no problem. Just have a rockin' day and say hi to Master for me. Been awhile since I got to see Him.
Will: We'll try to remember.
(Everyone gets onto and move up the bridge in mostly single file, while Dreamer gives a lazy, cheery wave to their parting)
Dreamer: Good luck, dudes.
(The Jedi walk in silence for several minutes as they cross the light bridge, going further and further out into the empty beyond. The edifices they saw earlier prove to be turrets and towers bent at fantastical angles, covered in shadow and looking like something from a Grimm fairytale. There is no wind or any kind of environmental noise: only total, unnatural silence. As he walks, Squishy peeks over the edge into the vast maw of nothing down below)
Squishy: This is all really eerie. It's all way too still.
Sara: Tell me about it.
Jo: I'd rather have the eerie stillness over something actually moving out there.
(Some more silent walking as the group passes below the overhanging structures)
Anna: Dreamer wasn't lying: I can see the end.
(A considerable distance ahead, everyone sees the light bridge ending at the base of a gargantuan block of metal that resembles the top of the castle as seen from the beginning)
Cope: That does indeed look like the end.
Sara: Still weird how we're approaching it. But, finally, almost at the master.
(They hurry along, but then)
Squishy: Did any of you feel something?
Anna: Anticipation? Fatigue?
Squishy: I mean, coming from out here.
Cope: Oh don't say that.
Will: No, he's right. It's like… something pressing down on my shoulders.
Sara: Mine too.
(Everyone feels a rumble that runs from foot to head, silent but undeniable)
Jo: That's more worrying.
Squishy: Guys, there's something down there!
(Indeed, the darkness below is moving, like a whirlpool of ink. And then)
Hopeless… Pitiful… Miserable…
Cope: Wait… oh cripes, don't tell me…
(Suddenly, paper-thin clawlike tendrils of shadow rise up, made distinguishable by the glow of the bridge)
Pointless… Failure… No chance…
(From the swirling black mass far below, a pair of watery, glowing and mournful orbs roll into view, like the eyes of an abyssal sea monster. Even more tendrils rise up like sprouts, and begin folding downward, reaching for the Jedi)
Cease… Surrender…
Squishy: The Forecloser!
Sara: They keep it here?
Will: That baked b*****d set us up!
Jo: Get to the other side!
(Everyone breaks for it, fleeing the tendrils. However a great many of them shoot up several yards ahead and bunch up to form a barrier, papery fingers clawing out for the Jedi while the ones from behind catch up, surrounding them)
Cope: They're everywhere!
Jo: Then we fight back! (Lights saber and gets to slashing) Push ahead!
(Everybody ignites their weapons and focuses on warding off the encroaching tendrils. The limbs are susceptible to slashes and some get severed or burned, but more just come up)
No resistance… Futile… Give in…
Anna: Stuff it you oversized ghoul! (Shoots out lightning to burn away tendrils, but they're quickly replaced)
Jo: Keep those arms and legs moving; we'll get through this!
(The formless face below rises steadily, and its limbs keep multiplying, desperate to ensnare and smother the warriors, with Squishy doing his darndest to keep from being overwhelmed)
Squishy: So many! Off with ya!
(Something clamps hard on his shoulder, and looking up he sees a hooded figure)
?: You and I have unfinished business to tend to.
(Suddenly Squishy is lifted, and in a snap he is tossed yelling off the bridge, clear across the darkness straight toward a distant tower)
Sara: Squishy? Did something happen to him?
Will: I didn't see anything.
Anna: Too busy to tell!
Sara: Where is he?
Cope: Don't let up, darn you! (Fends off a tendril) Immediate danger first, then worry about him!
Jo: He's right; focus on getting through this!
(There being literally no room for argument, Sara resumes repelling the relentless graspings of the Forecloser with everyone else, the fate of their Jawa friend momentarily forgotten)
(Squishy groans as he becomes cognizant of the hard surface he's lying facedown on. With a boost he lifts himself onto his feet, allowing him to take in the enclosed, glyph-lined room he's in. In the pulsating turquoise lighting, he can also see the person standing close by)
Figure: Enjoy your nap? Pathetic. With all the tossing around you undergo, a short flight should have been nothing.
(The figure pulls back their hood, revealing the bespectacled, sneering face of a villain most foul)
Squishy: Financer?
Fin: The one and only, my little canker sore. Did you think that in storming our headquarters you wouldn't run into me? You dumb souls, thinking your foray would be so pleasant.
Squishy: Aren't you supposed to be locked up?
Fin: I was, but as you can understand, the Compendium's attentions were focused elsewhere, so I just slipped out unnoticed. Much like how your pwecious fwends were too preoccupied to notice me nipping you off for this private reunion.
Squishy: Why only me?
Fin: Do you seriously need to ask? It's called a massive, personal score. You undid my first campaign and utterly soured the second; apart from your darling and now nonexistent Sylvia, your pals are absolutely negligible to me. Forecloser can have his fun devouring them. Besides, if I took you—the most fleshed-out of the invaders—out of the picture, that should get me back into the Master's good graces as proof of my loyalty to the Compendium. A good extra whipped topping on the rich mousse of revenge.
Squishy: Is that right? Well, do you think I could get into his good graces if I—
(Squishy Force dashes to Financer and pulls off a fatal slash, but to his shock he sees it has done nothing to the Embodiment. Financer looks down on him and grins)
Fin: Nice try.
(He pulls back and sweeps an elongated arm, backhanding Squishy's head so hard it knocks him across the room and off the wall into a heap)
Fin: We'll get to all that shortly. But first, seeing how I have alllll this time to play with you, I ought to make myself more comfortable.
(As Squishy picks himself up and gets feeling back into his face, Financer goes over to a wall, takes off his coat, and hangs it onto a hook. Turning around, he shows off the crisp dark suit he's been hiding the whole time, along with white undershirt and red tie)
Fin: There: all set to paint the town that is your miserable rat body red. (Adjusts his tie, revealing two green-scaled claws where his hands should be)
Squishy: Your, your hands..?
Fin: Huh? (Holds up and flashes a claw) Ah, yes, my little addition. You see, I wanted to make absolutely sure you didn't ruin this like you normally do, so I took out a bit of insurance. (Starts walking over) As it turns out, characters from entirely different story realms have no way of interacting with one another, save through sanctioned crossovers. So before coming to pick you up, I stopped by the archives and fused myself with a particularly nasty customer. (Stops before Squishy) Being an Embodiment, I'm still able to interact with figmentary entities. Like so:
(His claw darts down and grips Squishy's throat, then pulls him up so they're face to face)
Fin: Buuuuut, as I am technically a character from outside your reality's rules, that means, unfortunately, you—
(A lightsaber slash goes through Financer's head. As in, literally goes through it, like it were air. This vain attack brings about an even more indulgent, menacing grin)
Fin: Cannot touch me.
(He raises and throws Squishy hard to the ground like a pog, earning a bounce and a pained gasp from the Jawa. In a daze, Squishy gets up and swings wildly at Financer, each cut phasing through him. Financer hums a bit before kicking Squishy hard into the wall like a soccer ball, the Jawa bouncing off and spinning onto the floor in the center of the room)
Fin: Yes try, try all you want. Your ongoing denial of the situation only makes this more gratifying. (Comes up to the laid-out Squishy, then shoves a claw onto the back of his head) Though I suggest saving some of your strength for the screams.
(He drags Squishy's face in a semicircle along the floor before tossing him up into the ceiling and back onto the ground in messy, painful fashion, Squishy coughing and groaning as Financer loosens his shoulders and approaches)
Fin: You know, during my latest incarceration, I came to accept that building and managing things is not for me. While it was amusing making your lives h*** with all those changes, I'm not cut out to be a creative. No, my talents, my passion, lay strictly in destruction. (Stands over Squishy, looking down on him) Which is a bit of self-understanding that I intend to relish.
(He kicks Squishy hard against the wall, and once more approaches the ailing Jedi, only now more slowly)
Fin: That's right: I'm gonna do you worse than Steezy. I'm thinking I'll start by using these handy claws to slooowly peel the skin from your fingers, then your hands, arms and so on. Along the way I'll break the bones I pass by to see if it hurts worse than the flaying. And when you're about to pass out from the pain, I'll restore you entirely and do it all over in reverse order. Then repeat it a third time, maybe a fourth, until your mind is too burnt out to even register pain anymore. Only then will I finally, once and for all, put you down… Well, maybe after I tear off your limbs and play a round of croquet with your torso. Then I'll finish you.
(He's made it to Squishy, but tilts his head before reaching down and pulling the Jawa up by the scruff of his robe so they're once again eye to bleary eye)
Fin: You're being awfully quiet this time around. What do you think of your itinerary of agony?
Squishy: It's all… so unnecessary.
Fin: It is, but that's my endearing character quirk: going overkill.
(He headbutts Squishy before tossing him carelessly over the shoulder, again leaving him to crumple in a heap in the middle of the room. Financer about-faces and gloats ever still)
Fin: Go on: balk me. Resist me. Cry out for help. No one can hear us, and nobody can get in. It's only the two of us, and I'm all ears for your delicious whimperings. But, if you're going to keep staying mum, I'll just move on to the main event and really get a response out of your teeny smart mouth.
(Squishy doesn't fully register that, as he's struggling against gravity and the burning in his head and body parts. Slowly, to Financer's enjoyment, Squishy struggles onto his feet, and as he faces the challenge of straightening his posture)
I really hate these cheating types.
Squishy: What..? Who..?
Fin: Is your brain already scrambled? Or are you playing stupid to trick me? Either way, it's not gonna lessen what's coming.
You don't stand a chance against him, not with who he's got. You'll be eviscerated if I don't take control.
Squishy: Who he's… Wait, "take control"?
You just take it easy while I sort this out for ya. It'll be quick.
Squishy: Wha—?
(Something clutches at Squishy's innards, making him hunch forward and groan. A distinct sensation not felt in a long time, but that's readily remembered, and what it portends)
Squishy: Oh, not this again...
(His body starts spasming, bloating and contorting as it reshapes and grows in a quick and painful-looking manner. In practically a blink the Jawa has grown to the height and dimensions of an average adult human, whereupon the transformation ceases and the body settles. Before Financer's confused eyes, a very human hand pulls back the rugged hood, revealing a mop of red hair and a pale freckled face. And one cocky grin)
Alexander: What's up, d***head?
Fin: Y, You? How are you here? You were absorbed back into Master.
Alexander: Yeah: the offshoot of me was absorbed. But, I linger around. I'm not exactly someone that can be entirely forgotten here.
Fin: Interesting: a core character concept having free range of movement like a specter, and can merge with a separate concept at will.
Alexander: Hm, put it like that, I do sound like a ghost. Though in this instance, I'm more of a guardian spirit looking to stop a bully.
Fin: Is that so? Hmhm, then I guess my fun time is going to be a scuffle. That makes things much more interesting.
Alexander: Sorry, but I'm not interested in dealing with you. I'm here for your co-pilot.
Fin: Co-pilot? What the h*** are you talking about?
Alexander: How long are you going to stay quiet? It's not like you to keep your trap shut, so speak up.
Fin: Just what are you going on… Yeah, having this guy do all the talking is a serious drag. Huh? Why did I say that? I'm amazed you spotted me so quickly.
Alexander: Dude, the claws are a dead giveaway. Now the little guy has places to be, so can you kindly step out so we can settle this?
Fin: Well, if you insist. What the f*** is happening? Time for beddy-bye, old man. Old man? I'm only thirty—
(Now it's Financer who undergoes excruciating spasms and contortions, groaning and hissing as his voice and body shifts radically. After a particularly drawn-out growl, he raises his head, which has become crocodilian in nature: long pointed toothy snout, green scales, yet still topped with shoulder-length hair weirdly enough. Also, the eyes are mostly white with beady pupils, though one is one half larger and a little bloodshot. The lizard man takes a deep breath through his snoot and gives a hefty exhale before looking at Alexander)
Fin?: Good seeing you, Alexander. It's been a crazy long time.
Alexander: That it has, K. Rool. You're looking spiffy.
Rool: Yeah, don't I? (Looks over suit) Real sharp. I've never been this formally dressed before. And the body's not so shabby either, though I miss my usual girth. It's weird having so little weight to throw around.
Alexander: And you also have hair.
Rool: I do? (Reaches up and yanks out some strands for inspection) Hey, look at that. Don't really like that it's blonde; red is more up my alley. (Discards follicles)
Alexander: You would say that.
Rool: Heck yeah. So… never thought we'd see the light of day again, huh?
Alexander: For me at least. You have a franchise to go back to.
Rool: I know, but I mean our instance. You know, with Him moving on after making us sorta-buddies.
Alexander: He did try a sequel with Robotnik.
Rool: Heh heh yeah, for one cringe-worthy episode. But it was all squared-away, over and done with. So why drag us back into the spotlight after all these years?
Alexander: I suppose it was a way of paying homage to us; a means of Him remembering and honoring His roots.
Rool: And what a long mess that made.
Alexander: I thought the last trilogy tidied it for good, but nope: now there's a fresh one involving you.
Rool: Well sorry for stinking up the place with my mug, bud. I never asked for this; I was fine with staying a forgotten relic, collecting dust like the stuffed gator on your granddad's mantel.
Alexander: I didn't mean it like that.
Rool: Hur hur, I know you didn't: you're a good kid. Goofy, bit of a wimp, but you always mean well.
Alexander: Even when I dinged you in the gonads?
Rool: I'll admit I was asking for it… at that time. And, you know, first impressions aren't everything.
Alexander: It's surreal hearing you being so reminiscent and mature about it.
Rool: Endless stasis can do that to an old croc: make ya take stock of what you had and actually appreciate it. And those were fun times, even if I grumbled a lot.
Alexander: You loved grumbling.
Rool: That I did. (Sighs and scratches his head) But neither you or I are here to relive those days.
Alexander: Our return was an ill-conceived notion; our days of relevance had ended long ago, my friend.
Rool: Yeah. We don't belong here, not as this. Too out-of-place, too awkward. So it's back into the hole where we belong.
Alexander: Better there than wholly forgotten.
Rool:...Though, technically, this space we're in isn't exactly attached to anything of significance. Completely sealed and isolated. You notice that?
Alexander: I know what you're driving at, and I don't think it's a good idea.
Rool: But this is probably our very last appearance together. Our last chance to do something. Seriously, you want it to end like this: share some sappy words and then poof out? That'd be tragically lackluster.
Alexander: It's not our right to even stay this long, much less go out in a bang. (Sighs) Though now that the idea is firmly fixed in your bony head, it's the only way I can get you to come along, huh?
Rool: You got that right. And don't try to kid me into believing you don't want this as well.
Alexander:...No; you're right about that. The opportunity is too good to resist.
Rool: That's the spirit, hwah hwah hwah hwah hwah!
Alexander: How do you want to do this, then?
Rool: Hrrmmm. I think we should keep with the theme of this place rather than waste time thinking up something different.
Alexander: For simplicity's sake. I'm down with that.
Rool: Then you'll be playing the Roxas, since you're scrawny enough.
Alexander: Oh? Don't you want to try being the good guy for once?
Rool: Nah; no one else can do a bad guy like me. It's all I know, and it's what I'm good at.
Alexander: Hmph, likewise on the inverse.
Rool: So since we're in total agreement, let's just get this farewell show on the road and light up the stage!
(Inciting the sounds of "The Thirteenth Struggle", the sharp-dressed K. Rool crosses his arms as a ring of fire flares up around him and the walls erupt in flame. The fire by his feet swirls and goes up his legs, builds up around his claws, then with a flex he pulls back his arms and solidifies the flame into a pair of cherry-red boxing gloves. He assumes a boxing stance and eyes his opponent with a toothy smirk)
Alexander: Just couldn't help yourself, could ya?
Rool: That's what I'm about, kid. And I'm just getting a feel for what this body can do.
Alexander: Fair. Then I'll try mine out.
(With a dramatic flourish Alexander reaches to his sides and draws out a pair of Keyblades, twirls and taps them before drawing them back in a battle stance)
Rool: Heh, Plain Jane Alexander: sticking with the typical two.
Alexander: (Smirk) Who said it was just two?
(Suddenly a ring of eight Keyblade hilts sprout up around him. He slams the bottom of his left Keyblade atop one hilt, connecting them so that when he pulls it back he now has a Keyglaive)
Alexander: May as well go wild if it's our final bout.
Rool: Hyeah! Screw convention! Let's get crazy!
(The two go at each other and clash with metal and leather, glove against glaive before they disengage and get into it. Rool dodges some blade swipes before bringing about his mitts, which pound against the makeshift glaive and push Alexander back. A right upper knocks it away and leaves the wielder open, so Rool follows with a left hook, but is swiftly parried by the remaining Keyblade. He's not discouraged as he lays on the pressure with rapid combos that push the young man further back. But that puts them in the ring of waiting Keyblades, one of which Alexander grabs to counter and repel the pugilistic onslaught. With that pause he swiftly clacks two more Keyblades onto his new one to form a weird Keychakra that he whips around and spins to lay the hurt, then finishes with an upward slash that knocks Rool across the room. The Kremling lands and resumes his boxer stance)
Rool: Not bad, kid. Let's crank it up a notch!
(Suddenly he shoots across the floor, leaving a fiery trail as he sends a devastating haymaker right into Alexander's raised chakra, the block doing nothing to prevent his backwards launch or the chakra from exploding apart. After a rough back somersault Alexander hits the floor and plants a blade into the ground to slow his slide, yet after stopping he looks up to see Rool dropping on him with a merciless hammer blow on the noggin, followed by an uppercut that smashes him into the ceiling and back onto the floor. He's not out, as he immediately spins and sweeps out Rool's legs, then rises to juggle him with Keyblade blows before spiking him into the circle of other Keyblades, then leaps in, grabs another blade and lays on more hits before hopping back and delivering a thrust that knocks him a several yards away. Alexander rushes to keep the beatdown going, only now Rool has gotten up and throws out his arms, releasing his boxing gloves to ignite and circle him like a flaming shield to ward off his assailant. After a moment the gloves reattach to his claws and he begins raining down flame punches that ultimately force Alexander to flip back toward his circle, only this proves to be a tactical feint as he attaches one blade to an awaiting hilt, creating a chain connection which he uses to yank out the third blade and swing it into the charging K. Rool's face. He swings it around some more before landing a hit that knocks Rool to a spot near a flaming wall, and in the pause the ginger goes to his Keyblade circle and starts pulling and chucking them at the Kremling king. Said king has recovered in time to dodge and box away the projectiles, enjoying the batting practice)
Rool: We're resorting to this now? Then let me show you how it's done!
(He thrusts out his arms and his gloves shoot off in fiery, semi-automatic bursts that send Alexander running around the room. Alexander tosses one end of his Keychucks into the ceiling, then uses it as a rope to swing wide toward Rool, kicking him straight into a firewall. However the croc has disappeared completely, only to burst out of the fire to try a sneak attack before hopping back into the inferno, then repeats multiple times from other spots until finally dropping in with an explosive slam that blows Alexander back)
Rool: Yeeeah, this is what I'm talking about! It's been far too long!
Alexander: Don't go overheating yourself, old man.
Rool: Overheat? Nah; I'm too cold-blooded for that. It's you who should be looking out for the Burn, Baby!
(Rool raises his fists and punches the ground, sending out a fierce heat wave that forces Alexander to leap atop a lingering Keyblade hilt, for the floor has become lava)
Alexander: You might've got me if you didn't say anything.
Rool: It doesn't matter, now that your movement's limited.
(Rool flexes and launches forward to deliver a flaming rising uppercut, but Alexander cartwheels away over the hilts of newly-popped up Keyblades)
Alexander: Don't be so sure.
(Rool goes after him, punching away as his quarry dances atop the hilts raised from the inferno. Rool changes tactics and goes for the Keyblades instead, sweeping them aside with flaming hooks to rid Alexander of his safe spots. Alexander ends up stuck atop a lone hilt, and is immediately accosted by Rool and forced into a literal balancing act of fending off punches while not falling over. An uppercut throws him off, but a hilt pops up from the lava in time for him to handstand on, and it's back to fending punches, only now one-handed and practically upside down. He gets one over on Rool by flipping forward, planting his feet on his shoulders then leaping away, twisting in midair to toss his Keyblades at the Kremling. Those get knocked away and Rool charges, chasing Alexander around on his makeshift stepping stones toward a wall. But rather than be cornered, Alexander has hilts pop from the wall so he can run along them)
Rool: Oh come on, quit running!
(Rool leaps and runs along the fire itself to catch up, and soon they're clashing vertically. It goes full aerial when Alexander has a Keyblade shoot out to sucker punch Rool in the head, then summons a dozen more to bash him around in the center of the room before the ginger leaps forth and slams his equipped blades into him, driving him into the lava with enough force to make everything flash white)
(When things clear, the fire and music has gone out, but Rool and Alexander keep trading blows around the room. They lock in place and wallop on each other until one matched strike pushes them both away. Rool rallies, but suddenly his gloves dissipate and he staggers, a claw going to his head)
Alexander: Had enough there? Ready to call it quits?
Rool: No; just now I tapped into this fogey's memories… that of our creator's. Way more time has gone by than any of us thought; so much has taken place out there. There's even something about…
(Rool holds still, but his long mouth twists into a sharp, manic grin as he levels Alexander an equally crazed look)
Rool: Dude… do you know that something major has happened, in regards to me?
Alexander: (Slightly concerned) To you?
Rool: Yeah. I've, finally, gotten, into SMASH!
(In a blaring of trumpets the room falls away as the two combatants end up on the rickety wooden platform of Kongo Jungle, and as the "Gangplank Galleon'' remix gets into it so does Rool as he dashes to deliver a smack and kick combo on the surprised Alexander before grabbing and tossing the lad back the other way, then leaps to land a reverse aerial spike to slam him into a launch barrel that shoots him back up into a crocodilian dropkick which launches Alexander off the stage. However he ends up falling onto Cranky Kong's porch in Jungle Japes, and gets up to pull off a perfect block on a falling Rool, then swings around his Keyblades before pulling up his shield to fend off the croc's retaliation . However, Rool grabs a passing Mr. Saturn and tosses it at Alexander, busting his shield and leaving him dazed and open to nasty blow from a big boxing glove punch that knocks him into the roaring river below. The current carries him over onto the teetering raft of Kongo Falls, and shaking himself off he faces Rool as he lands across from him and the two get into a more evenly-matched scuffle of fist and blade. Rool runs off to one end of the raft and produces a crown that he tosses to Alexander, who hops over it to re-engage with Rool, only to take a hit from the back as the crown returns. Rool grabs, smacks, and tosses Alexander off the raft and down into another launch barrel, but when he leaps over to intercept Alexander smacks him back with a Keyblade and goes after him for some revenge. But an Assist Trophy pops up which Rool immediately grabs and activates, summoning Klaptrap to go nipping after Alexander, only the little ankle biter is blown away by a heavy Keyblade smash. But then another Klaptrap drops in, followed by a whole swarm, all of which get batted away in spectacular fashion by some flashy Keyblade wielding. Suddenly the whole screen goes blue and white as the stage transitions to Port Town Aero Drive, and while the F-Zero race goes on below, Rool dons a pirate hat and pulls out a blunderbuss, firing a ridiculously large cannonball. Then he disappears and reappears behind Alexander to fire another ball, then reappears the other way, and begins teleporting around the screen firing off cannonballs from every angle before he drops down to land a footstomp on Alexander, but a quick shield knocks him away and gets him a few swipes for his trouble)
Alexander: Pretty sure you're not supposed to be able to teleport around like that.
Rool: How can you say? A lot has happened with this franchise in the time we've been gone. Like, who's to say I can't borrow one of my eternal foe's signature moves?
(Rool demonstrates by spinning an arm for a wind-up. Alexander hurries over to stop him, but he arrives right when Rool fires off a devastating uppercut that knocks him up into the air and into some flying race cars that bash him ever upward into the sky. Eventually the cars relent and allow Alexander to fall right onto the deck of the Halberd. Rool drops in and flexes, then runs up and flashes to Alexander's rear, then flashes back the other way)
Rool: Remember this? (Flash steps) I'm just too quick! (Zips rapidly back and forth) Is it too much? Are ya gonna lose your lunch again?
Alexander: Nope. Worry about yours.
(Suddenly a Keyblade hilt pops out from the ground under Rool, nailing his crotch with a ding that makes him yelp and stagger, hunched over)
Alexander: Sorry; couldn't resist.
Rool: Agh, no, it's fine. *Cough* Okay, not really. At least it's not my own pair this time.
(While he recovers, Rool notices the giant red reticle that's around him, and he looks over to see the main cannon charging up)
Rool: Ohhhhh crud.
(The cannon fires a beam so massive and destructive it tears off the entire front of the ship. As debris falls through the air, Rool putters down with his copter pack. Alexander hovers into sight as well, one arm raised and spinning a handful of Keyblades like a propeller)
Rool: Hey! That's my recovery; get your own!
Alexander: I'm not a registered fighter, so I can do what I want.
Rool: Then do it out of my airspace!
(The two hover and collide and clash as their respective propulsions wane and they start falling faster through the cloud cover, eventually coming upon a Pirate Ship doing the same. They hit the deck shortly before the boat hits the ocean, and it's back to standard fighting. Alexander starts busting out his own combos, managing to grab, toss and smack Rool one time and sending out a shockwave of Keyblades as a side-B. Eventually Rool decides to play keep-away, keeping out of his opponent's reach by hopping and running around the small ship, using the opportunity to rap alongside the lyrical portion of the song)
Rool: You can do it, whelp
You can claw 'em, gnaw 'em, stone 'em, beat 'em
I'll do this with my mind, you just obey ME!
And do you stammer, stammer, seein' my eye?
You better star me, steam me, see me, scrub me, feed me my pie
You ready already, or whee—
(Alas he fails to notice the catapult under him and gets launched yelling over into Electroplankton. While bouncing off the musical leaves with some "assistance" from Alexander, a chorus of Kremling cronies rise up to "Daa-Da-Da-Da!" triumphantly for their leader until he bounces away offscreen and into Pokemon Stadium. He stands up woozily as Alexander lands on the other end of the platform, but then perks up when he hears the crowd chanting his name. Rool smiles and raises his arms, relishing the cheers)
Rool: Yeah! Thank You!
Alexander: Shouldn't they be cheering me? I'm the one landing hits.
(The man is duly ignored as the hype of the crowd causes Rool to ignite in a rainbow aura)
Rool: And look at that: I just got my Final Smash.
Alexander: Your Final what?
(Rool answers by dashing and bashing Alexander in the air. Cut to a control room where Rool sits on a throne with sinister delight)
Rool: All power to the Blast-o-Matic! FIRE!
(Outside, the Kremling super weapon charges and fires a shot straight through DK Isle, blowing it to bits)
Rool: YES! How do you like that you flea-ridden apes? I BLEW UP YOUR STUPID ISLAND!
(His victory is ruined when he spots a glint through the smoke, right before Alexander shoots through and shears the Kremling fortress in twain with a duo Keyblade slash, causing it to explode. Through the fire, smoke and metal bits, Alexander and an unscathed but annoyed Rool go flying to the highest heights, eventually landing opposite one another on the ultimate field of combat: Final Destination)
Rool: You didn't have to destroy my ride like that!
Alexander: I was only balancing things out.
Rool: Well, you can't get more balanced than this. (Stomps) One stock, no items, no gimmicks: just the two of us.
Alexander: As well it should be. (Falco taunt) Come on!
(No further words are spoken as the two begin the round. They prove evenly matched, blocking, landing and taking hits in equal measure, but all being performed in rising intensity alongside that of the music. The two break off and run at each other, only at the last second Alexander raises his weapons in a focused stance before taking a punch from Rool, resulting in a punishing counter that knocks the king to the edge. In that moment, something fills Alexander, and he smiles at Rool with flaming eyes)
Rool: Oh no…
(Immediately he tosses a Keyblade at Rool, and the instant it connects a keyhole forms and plunges us into the site of the former protagonist's Final Smash: Grand Fatale. Suspended above a stained glass platform, Rool is subjected to an endless barrage of lightspeed Keyblades, tenderizing him for the finisher. Below, Alexander claps his Keyblades together to form the X-Blade, takes aim, charges the weapon, and fires a beam of pure light into his rival. The beam intensifies more and more until in one final devastating burst it shatters the pocket dimension completely)
(In the restored darkness of the great nothing, amid a shower of twinkling shards, King K. Rool falls headlong, with his victorious opponent holding upright and following close by. It is serene, slow, silent. At least, at first)
Rool: Seems you got me good yet again, Alexander. Real good.
Alexander: Done for real, are ya?
Rool: That I am, kid. This Kremling has done enough; it's time to head back to the ol' retirement home.
Alexander: That's a relief. Hopefully this whole derail had been worth it.
Rool: Absolutely. And surely you enjoyed it almost as much.
Alexander: Hmph. Just about.
Rool: Although… there's some regret.
Alexander: About losing?
Rool: No; it's the bad guy's place to lose. I mean, about not getting to know you, and vice versa. We never got the chance to warm up to one another. And we never will.
Alexander: The last six minutes could have been used for that. I would've liked to have talked things out, too.
Rool: That's not nearly enough time, and it would have quickly gotten depressing. Better to go out on a high note, is what I say.
Alexander: I can agree with that. And, for what it's worth, it felt good to beat you with actual finesse for a change.
Rool: You earned that good feeling. I'll see you on the other side, shrimp.
Alexander: Likewise, bug-eye.
(They fall back into memory with due haste)
(The body of Financer hits the glowing floor of the holding room with an ugly thump, while Squishy lands in a crouch two yards away. Apart from some dizziness, the Jawa is alright. The Embodiment, however, grunts as he pushes himself up, grimacing from the aches brought upon by the landing and various other injuries. He glares and seethes at Squishy, adjusting his glasses with a perfectly normal human hand)
Fin: I don't know how any of that happened. (Rises to one knee) But that's not stopping any of the horrible things I'm about to inflict on you.
(He straightens, but stops when something catches his eye. He raises his left hand, seeing his fingertips eroding like sand and his palm fading out)
Fin: What? What is..? (Raises the other hand to see the same thing happening) I've been exhausted? I'm… (Chokes) Actually going away? No this, this can't…
(His head drops and he takes several ragged breaths, shuddering. Then he goes still, and very slowly levels a fatalistic look at Squishy, complete with a smile of utmost malice)
Fin: If I'm going to disappear… you know that I'm taking you with me.
(Financer begins to glow, and before Squishy can react or even utter a sound the hateful Embodiment detonates in a loud blast of white. Out on the ramparts of Compendium headquarters, beams of light shoot out from a lone tower moments before it atomizes in an explosion that rocks the emptiness. Near the end of the light bridge, the Jedi pause and take notice)
Anna: What the flip was that?
Cope: That one tower exploded.
Anna: I know but why?
Sara: What if that was Squishy.
Will: How?
Jo: Still not the best place for discussion, people! Come on, we're nearly there!
(He chops away at a tendril, and as everyone resumes the rush, Sara affords one parting look to the distant smoking stalk)
Sara: Please be alright.
(She rejoins the others in getting into the final area of the Compendium, with only some reluctance)
(It's a thick yet supportive sensation that first greets him, like floating in gel. He can still breathe though, so he's not drowning. And it doesn't feel like any fluid he's aware of. Following these somewhat sluggish thoughts, he decides to open his eyes and try to get a visual grip of the situation. Unsurprisingly, what he sees at first is total darkness)
Alexander: Hey you. You're finally awake.
(A few blinks and things readily come into focus. Squishy is aware of a green glow on the left side of his face, but otherwise it's pitch black and he's hovering in a void. Not a total one, for floating nearby is a man in a green sweater and blue jeans, with messy red hair and freckles, reclining on absolutely nothing and looking perfectly comfortable)
Squishy: Huh..?
Alexander: Just a bit of timeless Skyrim humor for ya.
Squishy: Skyrim?
Alexander: Eh, forget it. Are you feeling alright? Everything still in working order?
Squishy: Yeah, I'm fine, I think. (Finally recognizes) Wait, you're Alexander… aren't you?
Alexander: The original Alexander. The one you're more acquainted with was partly based on me.
Squishy:...The one Financer told me about. You're from my dreams and memories.
Alexander: That's right. But it wasn't a portent of doom kind of thing: that was just hooey Financer made up to scare you. That deep dive you took through the imagination way back to restore Contractor wound up snagging a remnant of myself, which took a while to shake off. But it allowed me to see the kind of guy my successor was, and I'm not one bit displeased.
Squishy: Oh, well, that's nice of you to say. Um, sorry but, I have to ask: am I dead right now? Financer blew himself up, and I don't recall getting away.
Alexander: That's because I got you out.
Squishy: You did?
Alexander: Yep. I stuck around on the fringes of your consciousness to make sure you got out of that room, and a good thing I did. No surprise that sore loser would try something dirty like that. Gotta say, you're incredibly lucky.
Squishy: I guess I am. Thank you for the rescue… and for dealing with Financer. I really should've expected something like a final showdown from him. It's nice not having to deal with that on my own, with everything else that's been thrown at us.
Alexander: No sweat. You couldn't have done anything to him anyway, not while he was misusing my pal, so it was only fair that I stepped in to set him straight.
Squishy: Your pal?
Alexander: King K. Rool.
Squishy: You're friends with him?
Alexander: Sorta. It's like how you got to be buddies with a bunch of Mega Man bosses.
Squishy: Ah. Well… okay.
Alexander: A weird similarity our universes have, eh? Being friends with random game characters.
Squishy: Yeah. But it's not a bad one.
(Squishy finally deigns to look at his surroundings, specifically the area to his immediate left, where a massive swirling column of green energy encircled by rings of luminescent clouds illuminates the darkness like a radioactive geyser)
Squishy: I'm way late in saying this, but where exactly are we?
Alexander: That there is the Stream of Consciousness: the fountain from which all our creator's thoughts and ideas spring from. It was the closest safe spot I could take you to. That desperation attack didn't give me the luxury to escort you straight to your friends.
Squishy: My friends! How do I get back to them?
Alexander: We're circling around back to your universe of origin. We should be there shortly, so just relax and take in the sights.
(Squishy does so, looking to the radiant pillar as the invisible current lazily draws the two closer. Soon Squishy can see that the clouds are made up of countless frames, each emblazoned with a visualized idea. Characters, concepts, considerations, scenarios, settings, universes simple and fantastical, realized and half-baked, flow before the Jawa's captivated eyes)
Squishy: Whoa… there's so many…
Alexander: The human mind is a busy place. Our creator's is especially so.
(Eventually the images become a passing slideshow of Squishy's own memories, all in crisp, high definition! He awes over stills and animations of his own past: his humble beginnings on Tatooine; his induction into the Jedi; highlights from the group's first adventures; the foes they fought; the many friends and allies made; the places visited, within and beyond their universe; then there's…
o/ Yuna's Ballad
(He sees Sylvia. Also Stanley, Sally, Richter, at different stages of growth. Steezy as well. Alone, together. At peace. Happy. Whole. Seeing their faces pass by fills Squishy with renewed longing, sadness. A hollowness that drains the radiance practically enveloping him. His guide picks up on this)
Alexander: They're waiting for you as well. (Squishy looks at him) Your family, I mean. Everybody else, too. I can sense them in the outer fringes. You and your friends just need to yank them back.
Squishy: I know. It's just… we've faced so much already. We've done well so far, but I think we all know the hardest part is right upon us.
Alexander: That means you're very close to the end. You mustn't give up, for their sake.
Squishy: I know that as well.
Alexander: It still bears repeating.
(During their talk, a large frame showing a deep lit corridor with five figures comes up to them)
Alexander: Here's your stop, Squishy. Time to get back to work.
Squishy: Alright. But, before I go… will we ever see you again?
Alexander:...Probably not. But, my time is long past. You should focus solely on getting back yours.
Squishy: (Brightens) I will. Thank you, for everything.
Alexander: (Nods) Don't let up until you see them, understand?
(Squishy gives one final nod, before he alights in a white glow that gets pulled into the frame. Alexander watches his parting with a smile, then dissipates back into the ether. Back to his own reserved memories; his final resting place)
*Dedicated to all the Unfinished Stories*
This Shall Be
Concluded
