Disclaimer: I don't own any of them. Not making any money of this. Love the idea of Ed and Roy. Please leave me a review if you like the story!
For an explanation of the Chapter Title/song credits, please see the end of the story.
Chapter 10: Let Me Fall
Maes Hughes tipped his chair back against the wall and took a swig from the bottle held loosely in his right hand as he let his eyes wander leisurely around the laughing group milling about the mess hall. While everyone was nominally still in uniform, salutes and titles were being temporarily set aside, and carelessly discarded uniform jackets decorated backs of chairs and table corners. He had talked Roy into agreeing to allow him to organize a casual after-work gathering for his inner circle to let off steam. It had only taken three albums of Alicia's photographs and a couple of finger paintings. And the promise of a bottle of aged port. And the threat of holding "Uncle Roy" to a promise once incautiously made to the aforementioned young lady of taking her shopping. Torture, bribery and blackmail…all in a day's work for a Colonel in the Investigations department of Military Intelligence. He belched in satisfaction, causing the dark-haired man next to him to make a small sound of disgust. "I could be catching up on sleep, you know," came the half-hearted grumble.
Maes snorted. "If you weren't here, you'd be shackled to your desk trying to finish your paperwork with Hawkeye standing over you breathing fire. Think of it as a respite from the dragon." His gaze wandered over to the centre of the room and Roy's followed idly. In the midst of the sea of white and blue, Auric's golden hair shone brightly in the lamplight, contrasting vividly with the dark green of his ever-present cloak. He was perched on the edge of a table, his boots planted on a chair and his head bent down to hear better as he snickered gently at something Al was whispering to him. Roy's eyes lingered wistfully for a moment on the gleaming head, then tore themselves away to glare at Maes, who was shaking his head.
"Roy, Roy…have you maybe considered telling him instead of mooning about like a callow youth of fourteen?" Maes rolled his eyes. "You know, for a legendary Casanova, this is almost embarrassing."
"No," said Roy firmly. "For one thing, I can't afford sentiment right now. We've reached a tipping point in the war, Maes, and it would be a distraction. For another…" he trailed off and took a deep breath, "…for another…the person you're thinking of is Ed. Auric doesn't need yet another person trying to impose their expectations of who he should be on him. He's got issues enough as it is."
"Everyone's got issues. And anyway, isn't that what people do?" said Maes softly. "We're all human. People expect things of you too." He began to tick them off on his fingers. "Ambition. Power. Cunning. Ruthlessness. Arrogance…."
"Enough, Maes," Roy warned tightly. "Just let it alone. It's been a good night so far, don't ruin it."
The lamplight glinted off Maes's eyeglasses as he turned to regard his friend seriously. "I'm just saying, Roy, it's his choice as to whether or not he wants to live up to the expectations he's presented with. You made your choice to live up to a certain reputation because you had – and still have – a certain goal. And that's fine - go ahead and shoulder the weight of your choices. But let others hump their own weight, eh?"
Roy's eyes were cold. "Fine words coming from an officer in the military."
"Technically, he's not military. Edward Elric is, and the Fullmetal Alchemist is still marked at MIA," Maes pointed out. "So he's not your subordinate and not your responsibility." He paused, and added gently, "He's not a child anymore, Roy. Have faith in his ability to deal with the situation – he's bearing up remarkably well, you must admit."
"I do have faith in him," admitted Roy slowly. His next words were nearly inaudible. "I just don't have the same faith in me."
"Let me – and everyone else in this room – worry about the last part, General Mustang, sir." Maes looked affectionately at his friend. "Look around you, do you think these people would be here if they didn't believe in you?"
Roy raised his eyes slowly. Hawkeye and Auric were laughing over something Fury had just said. Havoc was watching them with a wry smile, cigarette dangling out of the corner of his mouth. Armstrong had shed his shirt in the corner and was striking poses for Al, who was slowly turning purple as he struggled not to laugh. His men. His comrades. His friends.
He sighed. "Thanks, Maes. But I'm still not taking Alicia shopping."
A sudden hubbub caused both men to look over. Auric was being dragged protesting to the centre of the little group and sat firmly in a chair. Roy raised an eyebrow at Maes and they moved forward interestedly. "What's going on?"
Havoc turned and grinned. "Initiation rites! Newest member has to sing a song, remember?"
Hawkeye giggled, swaying slightly. "Remember when Fury sang, 'Baa Baa Black Sheep?'" Fury turned beet-red.
"What about Al, he's new too!" protested Auric desperately. "Please! Colonel…General?" he pleaded hopefully. Roy smirked and shook his head.
"Sorry. The military's fond of its traditions. And Al's not really new anyway, we've known him for years."
Auric pouted dramatically. "Isn't there a pity clause for someone with amnesia? I don't remember any songs."
"The almighty Gatekeepers Guild has no songs?" said Maes in mock horror, clutching at his chest. "Woe be unto such uncultured barbarians!"
"Indeed, that is a tragic thought," sighed Armstrong theatrically. "It brings a tear to mine eye, especially when I consider the fine Armstrong family tradition of musical performance!"
After few minutes of judicious arm-twisting, Auric found himself holding a ragged guitar with a rapt circle of eyes upon him. He groaned. "Fine. But I warn you, the songs of the Guild aren't exactly about sunshine and roses or rousing marches."
Hawkeye shrugged, falling ungracefully to the floor and hugging her knees to her chest. "We're in the middle of a war. We'll live. Havoc sang an advertising jingle once."
Auric smiled wryly. "You asked for it." He began to tune the guitar, strumming experimentally, beginning to pick out a melody. "I'll sing you a Guild song. No one knows how old it is for the simple reason that no one remembers. But it's passed along orally to every new Gatekeeper to remind us that there is no going back, only forward…and that all we have is each other." He took a breath, hummed a few notes, then in a surprisingly pure, round tone, began to sing:
Let
me fall
Let
me climb
There's a moment when fear
And dreams must collide
Someone
I am
Is waiting for courage
The one I want
The one I will
become
Will
catch me
So
let me fall
If I must fall
I won't heed your warnings
I
won't hear them
Let
me fall
If I fall
Though the phoenix may
Or may not rise
I
will dance so freely
Holding on to no one
You can hold me
only
If you too will fall
Away from all these
Useless fears
and chains
Let
me fall
Let me fly
There's no reason
To miss this one
chance
This perfect moment
Just let me fall….
Roy's throat was tight as Auric finished the haunting melody, his fingers picking gently over the guitar strings as he drew out the last golden note in his low tenor and let it die away into silence. It was as if Auric had read his mind or overheard his earlier discussion with Maes, even though he knew that was impossible. He could see that the song had also affected Al, whose eyes were brimming with tears, and even Hawkeye's lips were quivering as she bowed her head to hide her emotions. Auric smiled sheepishly into the quiet.
"It wasn't that bad, was it?"
Riza Hawkeye stumbled out the doors to the mess hall, leaning on the wall for support. She rested her head on the cool concrete, bitterly rebuking herself for her weakness. A sound made her whip around startled, reaching for her gun. She relaxed as she recognized Auric, who was holding up his hands in surrender. "It's only me, Captain. I came to see if you were all right."
She forced a smile onto her face, surreptitiously swiping at her tears and trying to fix her hair. "I'm fine. You sang beautifully."
Auric shrugged. "It didn't exactly seem to put the group in a good mood."
"I guess it just touched a few nerves, that's all," she sighed, allowing herself to slide down the wall into a sitting position. Auric looked down at her.
"Mind if I join you?" She shook her head and he sat down next to her. They could hear the noise level in the mess start to pick up again as Havoc attempted to organize a card game. Finally, he spoke. "So what was it that affected you about the song? If you don't mind me asking, that is."
"Oh…nothing important. It just…it reminded me of someone, that's all." She didn't look at him.
"You loved this someone." It was a statement, not a question.
"Love," Riza corrected. She frowned internally. Was she drunk? Riza Hawkeye, Captain, did not generally go about divulging details of her personal life to anyone, least of all extraordinarily attractive young men who were being entirely too thoughtful. How many beers exactly had Fury pressed into her hand?
"And you wanted to hold him to you, but you couldn't." She nodded. "It's General Mustang, isn't it?"
"Who told you?" She turned on him, eyes blazing. "It was Havoc, wasn't it? I'll kill him!"
Auric shook his head carefully. "No one told me, Captain…Riza. I just see the way you watch him when you think no one's looking, that's all." He was silent for a moment, then, "Not that it's any of my business, so feel free to tell me to bugger off. But have you tried telling him? I know he has a reputation, but I've also seen the way he respects you – even admires you. You never know, he might return your feelings. I know the military has rules about fraternisation…but frankly, given that it's the middle of a war and that anyone could be dead tomorrow…I would think it would be worth the risk to try and touch someone, if only for a moment."
She couldn't help herself. Tears ran down her cheeks as a bitter laugh forced its way out. "Oh, that's rich coming from you." He looked at her in confusion as she continued to weep, but she refused to enlighten him. That would be the final humiliation, and even in her current state she refused to give in as she rocked herself back and forth, allowing herself to grieve for what she had lost…despite the fact that she knew she had never had it.
A warm arm wrapped itself around her shoulders. Auric didn't say anything, simply let her cry it all out. He handed her a cocktail napkin as she started to hiccup and calm down. "Here. Dry your eyes." She took it gratefully and leaned back against his arm. It just felt good to have someone there, she realized. She was tough – she had to be, given her profession – but, she realized, it might have come at the expense of human contact.
"Thank you."
"You're welcome." They sat in silence for a minute.
"I did try to tell him, once." She didn't look at Auric.
"And?" he asked neutrally.
"He took it as well as could be expected. Politely gave me the brush-off and told me he was in love with someone else. And has chivalrously never mentioned the subject again."
"Ah. I'm sorry." Auric cocked his head curiously. "It's odd though, I would never have guessed he was seriously involved with anyone."
"Oh, he isn't," Riza smiled mirthlessly. "That's the irony of it all. The person he loves has no idea."
She watched as Auric's brow furrowed, feeling strangely removed from the situation. He opened his mouth to say something, but was cut off as the mess hall doors swung open and Roy came striding out, his face stern. His gaze fell on the two of them, and on Auric's arm around her, and something in his face seemed to close up as his eyes turned to stone. Before she could scramble to her feet and explain, he had drawn an air of frigid detachment around himself like a shroud. "Captain Hawkeye. Auric," he acknowledged coolly. "Sorry to interrupt, but we've just received word from the front. It's nearly been overrun and we are to deploy and reinforce the line. Mission briefing in fifteen minutes, Captain. Will that be enough time to conclude your business?"
Riza flinched at the bitter edge in his voice. Auric's eyes narrowed. "Is there a problem, General?" he asked warily, eyes flicking between the downcast captain and her CO.
"Not at all, Gatekeeper," Roy's voice trailed back down the hall to them as he turned in the direction of his office. "You're both consenting adults. Make your own choices. Just be on time for the briefing."
"Permission to speak freely, General?" Havoc was holding himself in an uncharacteristically rigid attitude. Roy nodded curtly. "Sir…this is suicide. They should retreat and await reinforcements. If we rush out there now, it'll just prolong the battle and we'll still lose. Sir."
"Those are our orders from the Fuhrer himself, Lieutenant." Roy's voice was leaden and lifeless. "Are you suggesting we disobey a direct order?"
"Sir, no Sir!" snapped Havoc, eyes still staring fixedly ahead. "I am asking, Sir, if there is an alternative strategy that could be employed, Sir!"
From his position by the chart wall, Maes shook his head. "Most of the civilian alchemists who were on the line are dead, soldier. The front is buckling, and the mountain ranges mean we can't circle around the enemy and surprise him from the rear. I hate to admit it, but the Fuhrer is right – all we can do is reinforce the line."
"If your Fuhrer were so right, you wouldn't be in the middle of a war," came an annoyed comment from the back of the room. All heads turned. Auric stood there, arms folded, golden eyes snapping sparks. He met Roy's dark, glittering gaze defiantly. "And you need better military tacticians. And until you get your heads screwed on right, I'm not letting you send Al out there to die on some stupid mission doomed to failure."
"Auric, please," whispered Al. "There's nothing you can do. We knew this could happen one way or another."
Auric didn't blink. "We have a contract, Mustang. Or does your damned word mean nothing?"
"Auric-kun…" Armstrong warned. "This is not the time…."
"So we do, Gatekeeper." Roy smiled dangerously. "I have every intention of keeping my side of it. How do you intend to keep yours?"
"I'll go instead of Al."
Roy laughed hollowly. "Le grande gesture. It means nothing to me. I need more State Alchemists, not a spy. You have talent, but lack the experience – or the desire – to use it. The Earth Moving Alchemist is much more valuable to me in this situation."
"General, please," said Al softly, but in a surprisingly insistent voice. "With all due respect, you aren't helping." Surprised, Roy fell silent as Al moved to face Auric. "Auric…I know why you're doing this. I do. But I'm not Alp. And even he made his choice when he went to the front." Auric was shaking his head as if to block out Al's words, but Al was relentless. "You have to let me make that choice for myself. I believe in the General. I love my family and my country, and if I can help to defend it, I will. I couldn't live with myself otherwise."
"Would Ed have let you go?" Auric asked hoarsely.
Al looked thoughtful. "He would have been furious at first. But in the end, I think…no, I know he would have. He believed in me."
Auric squeezed his eyes shut. The redness of his eyelids seemed to mock him. Flame and ashes. Ashes and flame. And in the middle of it, always Alp. Always Al. And he knew what he had to do. "Fine. Go. But I'm coming along. And we're going to do it my way."
"And what way would that be, Gatekeeper? We bow to your doubtless superior tactics." inquired Roy sardonically.
A scimitar smile gave Auric a feral look. "We're going to sneak up on the bastards from behind." The soldiers in the room were exchanging puzzled looks. Maes finally spoke up.
"Auric…perhaps you didn't hear me. There is no way around the enemy."
"Not for you, perhaps," Auric shrugged nonchalantly. "But you've never had my help before."
Al suddenly knew what was coming. "No. Auric, no! You know something is wrong. You're too weak to open a Gate large enough! And I'm not strong enough to anchor the other end!"
A light was dawning in Roy's eyes. "If you can open a Gate that takes us behind the enemy, we can crush them in a hammer-and-anvil formation. They'll never know we're coming."
"I said no!" The tables had turned and now Al was the one barring the gates. "General, you've seen what it's doing to him. I know he's lying when he says that it's nothing! Even the little Gates we've tried were exhausting for him. Over this distance…and the size it'll have to be…and to transport the mass of an army...it could kill him!"
"Surely not," protested Maes. "He's done countless ones before. Right, Auric?" He looked over at the Gatekeeper, who was refusing to meet his eyes. "Auric?" he whispered, a sickening feeling starting to manifest in the pit of his stomach as he took in the grim, pale set of Auric's face.
"I can do this, Al. I've managed to hold much larger Gates intact," Auric said, avoiding Maes's question.
Al shook his head stubbornly. "You've always had another Gatekeeper to help you. If you do this, you won't have a partner. I can only stabilize the array for so long, and you'll still have to activate it before returning to the other side to open the Gate. That's part of what's draining you, Auric, I know it! You're not indestructible."
"You'll do fine, Al," was the firm response. "I believe in you."
"General…" Al appealed. "You can stop this. Please. You could have stopped Ed and you didn't. Don't make that mistake again! I…I can't lose him again. We can't lose him again."
Roy felt like someone had just punched him in the gut, and he struggled to maintain his composure. He could feel Maes's eyes on him, and Hawkeye's too. Years of experience kept his face expressionless as he raised his eyes to meet the golden pair staring at his with a frightening intensity. An electric charge seemed to pass through the air between them carrying an understanding beyond the others. Finally, quietly, Auric spoke. "You have to let me fall, Roy."
He nodded slowly. "I never could hold you." Later. Take care of yourself.
"Maes!" The colonel stopped, but didn't turn around. "What is it, Auric?" he asked brusquely. "If we're moving out in two hours, I have things that need doing, and you should be doing…whatever it is you need to do to prepare to open that Gate."
Auric stepped around and into his space, forcing him to look the Gatekeeper in the eye. "I need to know something. Now."
"What?"
"I need to know exactly what happened between the General…and Ed."
The song, "Let Me Fall" is originally from the Cirque du Soleil album and show, "Quidam." The version I have in mind here, however, is from the self-titled debut album by Josh Groban, a lovely, talented young man who spent some time at one of my alma maters before pursuing his professional career. If you haven't heard this haunting piece, I highly recommend it, and any of Josh's other recordings. I was listening to this song when I started writing this story, and the song seemed to encapsulate both Auric's yearning to define himself as an individual and Ed's restless struggle to transcend the chains that bind him and his need to be free.
