Ch 8 Tension
Sirius' POV
"I can honestly say that I did not see this coming," Sirius stated strongly. "This is a betrayal of our friendship."
"You are exaggerating," Hermione said. Apparently, Snape had allowed her to use his floo to contact him. Sirius had a feeling that the man simply wanted to be a fly on the wall and observe his reaction.
Sirius shook his head. "No, I am not."
"We need him." Sirius could hear her imploring him to consider her words. But they were just going through one ear and out the other.
She didn't seem to see what he saw. Or know the things he knew. And it astounded him since she was so smart. "No, it's really not that complicated. He's a bad person."
Hermione rolled her eyes. "He is not a bad person. He isn't particularly nice. But he is willing to help" She placed some emphasis on the word help. He knew that they did need help. But not from him. Literally anyone else but him.
"No. Hell, no. Absolutely not. There is no way in hell that I will ever work with Snape." Sirius was being bitter and holding on to old grudges. He knew that he was being unreasonable and acting like a child. But it was just something about Severus Snape that made his skin crawl and made his temper flare.
When they were at school together, Snape was the freaky weird boy who always knew too much about the dark arts. He was always hanging around with older Slytherins who were rumored to be Death Eaters themselves. And that in principle made Sirius dislike him. And then there were many times when he was often alone. And was the perfect sitting duck for some new pranks the Marauders wanted to pull. They used him as a tester before moving to bigger groups and in public too. It was all for a good laugh. For them. They never realized at first that he wasn't having fun. That he resented them. Admittingly they took things too far. But they were children and they didn't think. And no one ever told them it was wrong. People enjoyed what they did and laughed with them. Then one day Snape fought back. They only ever did harmless pranks on him. He was the one who first drew blood. But they were the ones who humiliated him for a year before he did. Looking back it was their fault. And eventually, they did realize their mistake. Each in their own way. But it didn't matter the damage was done. And they were enemies.
Any time they were by themselves in the halls, tripping and stinging jinxes were cast. Things kept getting out of hand until it was a frequent occurrence for one of them to be in the hospital wing each week. Usually him. He was only one person and there were four of them.
By their sixth year, the Marauders seemed to grow up. The war was starting to get heavy and they realized that they needed to let go of school boy grudges and fight for what was right. And by then whispers of students being initiated as Death Eaters began. And no one was surprised when Snape was revealed to be one. Sirius couldn't quite remember when he found out Snape was a Death Eater. But he could remember the words I told you so clearly.
When Sirius graduated he immediately joined the Order of the Phoenix. And Snape was his enemy and vice versa. They were fighting for opposite sides of the war. Things were black and white.
And then Dumbledore showed them the shades of grey. He revealed that Snape was now a spy for the Order. But Sirius never once believed that Snape had suddenly had a moral awakening and decided to do what was right. It didn't help that Dumbledore never once told anyone Snape's reason for suddenly defecting from Voldemort's ranks. It was suspicious. And that is how Sirius has felt ever since.
Sirius is suspicious of Severus Snape. The man was a mystery. Nobody knew anything about the man. He acted like a shadow. He always seemed to linger around in the background but never produced anything concrete. He was a master manipulator and liar. He had to be if he was to trick Voldemort for several years. But that is something no one else seemed to get. If he was supposedly able to trick the most powerful dark wizard to ever have existed into thinking he was a loyal follower. What was stopping him from doing the same to Dumbledore?
And that is why Sirius didn't like him, because Sirius didn't trust him. He had no clue where his true loyalties lie. He knows that Dumbledore trusts him. But Sirius can't see why. Nothing Snape has ever done has given Sirius a reason to believe that he is one of the good guys.
If he knew the guy was truly on the side of the light, then yes he would be willing to work with the guy and forget all of their teenage misdemeanors. But he didn't and he didn't like the risk Hermione was taking because of it.
The first time they flooed each other. Snape had the audacity to say "Your services are no longer required."
The nerve of that man. Sirius was furious at that statement. And the implication that he was of no use. He yelled and ranted into the open air. He was lucky no one was home with him otherwise they would think he had gone mad. It took about an hour for him to calm down in which he immediately proceeded to clean up the broken glass that was a result of his anger.
He didn't tell Hermione about their talk. She was happy that they finally had help from someone whom she deemed qualified. And that is what made Sirius so angry at Snape; his commentary always held a layer of truth to it. The man knew exactly how to stick nails underneath his skin. sliding them in at the right angle to seriously wound him. It wasn't just his ego that was bruised. Snape always made sure to go after his insecurities in one fatal swoop. He was relentless and ruthless. And Dumbledore never stopped the man since they never broke out into a physical alteration. But they always had fighting words thrown at each other from across the room. And every time Snape smirked Sirius could feel his eye twitching and thought of nothing more than wiping the smirk off his face and onto the ground.
Even Moony could tell that something had upset him. Though he chalked it up to a women problem. And though it wasn't what Moony thought, he was under the impression that he wasn't having much luck in the dating scene. But that was far off the mark though his statement was not technically wrong.
He understood why Hermione did what she did. And ultimately he would forgive her. It's not like he didn't see this coming. She had mentioned her plan several times over the past couple of days. And though he didn't agree with it, it didn't change the fact that they had hit a wall and they needed help. And she went to the only available person she knew of who could be of use. But that didn't mean he had to like it.
Luckily he never really had to interact with him. It was easier to forget that Snape was involved in all of this since he didn't have to see the man's oversized beak. But then he was painfully reminded about it whenever he was journaling with Hermione and she would mention a new idea or the next step in development. He would compliment her on her impressive thinking only for her to reply that it was His idea. He knew that it was petty but it always took him a minute to respond to that. Every time he heard the man's name it just set his teeth on edge.
The first time they all met up together was a disaster. He wasn't surprised and honestly he was kind of proud of himself for how long he was able to last before snapping.
Snape's office was a gloomy and dimly-lit room. It looked like it would belong in the basement of Grimmauld Place before Sirius started to renovate the house. There was a single desk and two chairs. He had to transfigure a third for himself. The walls were covered in shelves filled with various plant and animal parts. One door led to the Potion's classroom and he was guessing the other to his private quarters. Despite being made the Defence of the Dark Art's teacher he kept the same office and Sirius was guessing the same bedroom as when he was the Potion's professor. It made sense despite Slughorn retaking his old post. Snape was still head of Slytherin house and it was more convenient if his rooms were in the dungeons along with his house. It also had a fireplace that he was able to connect to Grimmauld Place. Sirius did wonder when he connected it but he wasn't going to ask.
Hence why he was there. He was hoping that after a month of working together and never being in the same room together that he would never have to. But Hermione was the one that told him they all needed to sit down and review everything they had. It was easier if she wasn't constantly playing messenger. He never considered the inconvenience his grudge was having on her.
They could all feel the tension in the room and respond in different ways. Snape tended to ignore it. Hermione was trying to be the moderator and keep everyone on track and not let it get to her. But Sirius let the tension fuel him. He snapped when Snape made some underhand comment about Hermione.
He looked at him with a raised brow. "Of course, you would defend her."
Sirius narrowed his eyes. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"The only thing that raises you up is when her name is mentioned. Probably the only thing." Sirius could feel heat rush to his face. He couldn't seriously be insinuating that Hermione and he were… Snape continued after his sudden deadpan and slightly green face. "Come on, the entire Order has noticed your sudden care over your summer ward. And all of them have expressed their concerns to Dumbledore." He couldn't believe Snape right now.
He wasn't just insinuating that they were together. No, what he was implying was that his relationship was borderline inappropriate and began while she was underage. He didn't dare turn to look at Hermione right now. He couldn't bear to see her expression that would surely mirror his own. The idea itself made him feel sick. Snape couldn't have been more wrong. But that didn't mean the comment didn't dig deep.
The worst part was that he had in fact been asked by a few members of the Order about his feelings about Hermione. He admitted that he has gushed about her help over the summer to several people. But it was always admiration and affection. Never lust. He was always a flirtatious man with those he was comfortable with. Just ask Moony. And Hermione was no different. It was merely his way of expressing friendship. He flirted with everyone but that didn't mean he was romantically attracted to her or anyone he flirted with as of late.
He knew what Snape was trying to do. He was trying to get a rise out of him and make him lose control and storm out of his office and never come back. This was his way to get him to stop helping. And though he has definitely succeeded at the former. He hasn't left yet. And definitely won't until Snape gets a taste of his own medicine. He knew it was wrong to continue with these insults now that Hermione's name has been dragged into this. The responsible thing would be to stop and say how inappropriate Snape's comment was and be the mature one in the group. But he couldn't stop. Snape was always able to push him over the edge.
His hands started to shake and his voice wavered despite his attempt to sound steady and confident. Somehow Snape still seemed cool and collected while Sirius was struggling. "What? Are you jealous?"
"Jealous that the only female you expressed affection for is underage? Disgust is more of an appropriate term," Snape said dispassionately and disinterested.
Under normal circumstances or if anyone else was here for that matter they would recognize that Snape didn't actually mean the comments he was making about Sirius and Hermione. If Snape did mean it he would have punched Sirius already and had him sent back to Azkaban. But Sirius was too blinded by hatred to see it. "First of all, she is 17." A legal adult in the wizarding world. And far above the age of consent.
"Oh, so she is legal?" He said mockingly.
"So get your facts straight. And it must be really sad to live such a lonely life where the only friend you have is your employer.
"I don't make it a point to befriend teenage girls." Again the teenage comment made Sirius's teeth grind.
"She is an adult," he growled out. "And besides, at least I have people that care for me and would be sad if I died."
Snape leaned back in his chair and tossed his quill onto his desk. "Oh, you mean that incident at the Ministry."
"Exactly." Sirius smiled triumphantly. Though it didn't last.
"Humm. It's a pity it didn't work. Better luck next time," Snape drawled with a glint in his eyes.
"Are you threatening me? You want to go right now." Sirius smacked his hands on the table and stood up.
Snape stood up more calmly, much to Sirius's indignation. "That wouldn't be much of a fight and definitely not fair for you. At least try to make it a challenge."
"Enough," Hermione shouted. Standing up with the rest of them. This entire time she had been quiet with her head down reading over some notes when she finally had enough of their arguing. Her brows were furrowed and her hands were clenched. As if she was trying to stop herself from reaching for her wand and silencing the both of them.
"Kitten," Sirius said, with both hands up trying to placate her. He was just trying to defend her. This was by no means his fault. She must see that.
"Don't kitten me, Sirius Black," she said furiously, articulating each word. "Both of you need to shut it and listen because I am only going to say this once. The both of you need to grow up." She turned now to face Sirius entirely. "Sirius, you need to let go of your childhood grudge. Professor Snape is a member of the Order. He is also very busy and has graciously been willing to help with this project even though he has no reason to." Then she turned to the other man in the room and threw her hands up in exasperation. "And you Professor need to stop egging him on. You don't need to constantly prove that you are smarter than him."
Hermione thought Snape was smarter than him?
Well she would need to rethink that. Because it wasn't true.
But based on the way she huffed out of breath and how wide her eyes were, making her seem a little crazed. He would do that later when she had calmed down. He never expected her to have such an outburst and neither did Snape if his reaction was any indication.
"You are out of line," Snape stated darkly while looking at her through narrowed eyes. Sirius hadn't been able to get such a reaction out of him this past hour and yet she was in one breath. It worried him slightly. He had never seen Hermione become so angry and frazzled before.
"Am I?" It was clear she was at her wit's end. And Sirius did feel partially sorry for causing her such duress.
"And what about you Mrs. Granger." Snape retorted. "Have you ever considered that perhaps this information should have been shared with the Headmaster or other members of the Order? Instead of you simply taking charge due to your need to feel important." Okay, things were getting a lot more heated. And Sirius very much regretted coming here tonight. He knew that Hermione never yelled at a teacher before. And she was only doing it because he may or may not have started it or at least allowed things to escalate. He didn't know how to intervene though. He had a feeling if he said something the both of them would tell him to stay out of this, especially since this seemed to be more personal. He was reminded of the awkward feeling a child experiences when watching their parents argue.
"It's not about feeling important. It's about the need to contribute. You should understand that better than anyone." Sirius didn't understand where she was going with this. What did she see that he didn't? Whatever it was, it was making Snape incredibly uncomfortable and that was something he could get behind.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Snape asked slowly, almost in a whisper. It seemed as though he was completely unprepared for what she had to say.
"Just because you don't say it and others might not notice it, doesn't mean that I don't see it." She crossed her arms over her chest and stared at him determinly.
"See what?" He hissed as his voice lowered. Almost in a warning. Even Sirius was getting concerned that she was taking things too far. It's one thing for him to do it, when today was over they could go their separate ways but she was still his student tomorrow. His face was turning paler when others would have gotten red and he looked like he was shaking and about to blow a casket.
"The way your hands shake with tremors after every other Friday night. The way you constantly clench up whenever someone touches you as if it causes you physical pain." A wave of growing uneasiness washed over Sirius as she continued to speak. "Despite your willingness to risk your life as a spy no one believes your life is in danger even though you are clearly suffering from the effects of the Cutiotus."
Sirius wished he could rub his hand over his eyes. But he didn't dare move. Or speak. "If it was about feeling important you would have told the others how you get tortured but you don't you keep it to yourself and you hold it in so that you can continue to be of use. Am I wrong?" She arched her own brow as if challenging him. Daring him to say anything to prove her wrong. She seemed breathless. As if she was holding all of this for too long and finally released it in one go.
Sirius could feel himself tense up. He looked closer at the man she was talking to and could see only one of his hands shaking as if out of his control. And the way his entire body was rigid. He never noticed it as odd before. Or there being a particular reason for his actions. But thinking back to his teenage years, he never once did it then. And yet now he did it so often as if it was a normal occurrence. Because… Sirius wanted to slap himself. It was a normal occurrence for him to be exposed to the crutiotous and suffer the after-effects of it.
Snape stood looking at her for a moment. His mouth slightly opened and it almost looked like his eyes were wide with panic. Sirius couldn't tell if he was in shock or disbelief by what she said. But it was written all over his face that what she said was true. He wouldn't look so freaked out if it wasn't. Sirius had never seen him struggle to regain control before. But Hermione's words completely destroyed his defenses and left him bare before them.
Nonetheless, Snape didn't appreciate the commentary and input. He quickly fled the room without a word and slammed the door behind him. The room vibrated with force. And Sirius couldn't tell if it was a good thing that he left. For now he had nothing to distract him from this realization and how much it affected him.
Merlin this all just got so much more complicated. He may not like the guy but that didn't mean he wanted him tortured. Sirius could still remember the first time he experienced the unforgivable. His cousin did it to him about a year before he went to Azkaban. The pain was unimaginable and quite possibly the worst thing he ever physically experienced. There was a reason it was unforgivable.
Hermione slowly sat down, while Sirius on the other hand practically collapsed in his chair. He felt like his mind was running in circles. "I shouldn't have said that. I crossed a line." She sounded sorry but there was still a fire in her eyes when she looked at him. Sticking to her decision. "But he needed to hear it. Maybe to let his guards down around you and me so he can work with us openly. And you needed to get over your prejudice."
Sirius sighed. He really did understand what she was trying to do. And why it needed to be done. Snape wasn't the only one who needed a push. Sirius figured that eventually Snape would quit and leave them to do their own work. And he may have incited that desire. He never saw a reason for Snape to want to help. But now she just gave him a reason. He wanted Voldemort dead for the pain he made him suffer through. "Are you sure?"
"About the Crutiotus?" He nodded "Yes. I started to recognize the signs during the first summer." There seemed to be more to the story and though Hermione was hesitant to reveal anymore she did say. "I heard him talking to Madam Pomphrey once. They were talking about him suffering blood loss."
Madam Pomphrey and him wouldn't have been talking about that or preparing for it if it had just been a one time occurrence. Damn. So that meant he went back to Voldemort over and over again knowing full well he would be tortured. That was either incredibly stupid or … brave. "Does Dumbledore know?."
"Yes."
Merlin. Sirius rubbed a hand over his face. How long has this been going on? Since the beginning? Did this happen during the first war when Voldemort went more insane? Or was it something that happened when he immediately became a Death Eater and was the reason as to why he became a spy? "Then why doesn't the Order?" If he knew this years ago he would have probably been less hostile towards Snape. He may have been still suspicious but he wouldn't have been so open about questioning his disloyalty. He certainly wouldn't have made the comments that the Death Eaters and Voldemort always welcomed his return. No wonder Snape hated him. He unknowingly mocked his torture.
So why didn't Snape or Dumbledore for that matter ever say anything. It would have certainly made things easier for him if people knew the truth of how much he suffered and fought for their side. This was all so confusing to Sirius. How in the world was Hermione able to figure this all out?
"If people knew the truth about him we wouldn't…" Hermione trailed off, giving him a small smile, waiting for him to fill in the blanks.
"Doubt him." Of course, it was all for the sake of maintaining his cover as a loyal Death Eater. The Order couldn't like him too much or Voldemort would start doubting his loyalties. And they fell right for it. Him most of all. And Snape was probably relying on him to spread his mistrust to the others. Well shit.
"I think it's also a matter of pride. Not many people like him and he knows it. He probably played it up for his role. Never allowing himself to get too close to people. Or others to him. He doesn't want people to pretend to care about his well being out of pity. And so he refuses to ask for help. I also think it may be a form of penance for him. He feels guilty about originally joining and so his pain is a way to repent for his sins." Merlin that was messed up on so many levels. He understood feeling guilty but he didn't put himself through physical pain. Unless he counted the alcohol.
"It's similar to the way you still blame yourself for James and Lily." Sirius looked up at her sharply.
She gave him an understanding look. "You two aren't as different as you would like to believe. You just hate him because you are afraid you will become him." Sirius felt his throat get drier at the thought.
Sometimes he hated how smart she was. There were times when it seemed she was able to just read his mind. Or was it written on his face and just so prominent. Sometimes it came in handy since he didn't have to articulate his thoughts. Sometimes it just made him sad at the reminder or realization. Like how he wasn't happy over the childhood expectations his parents had for him that Snape seemed to emasculate. "Has anyone ever told you, you are too smart for your own good?"
"Yes."
Sirius sighed and turned to the door Snape left in. "Should I go and apologize?" He knew that he probably should but at the same time after everything, it didn't seem right for him to go. It wouldn't be that easy for everything to be solved between them. They had too much history for a clean state.
Hermione shrugged. "If you want to. Despite all that I just said I know that there is an unpleasant history between you two that I don't understand. I was just saying what I see in front of me." She smiled again. But this time it seemed more sincere. "Maybe this will be a good start for you."
Serious furrowed his brow. "A start at what. I highly doubt Snape and I will ever be friends." They could barely be civil towards each other. The best days were when they ignored one another. There was no way they could move up from this. It was unlikely.
Hermione gave him a small smile. "For letting the past go."
Sirius found himself at a loss for words. Dumbledore tried this at the end of her fourth year when Voldemort returned. It didn't work out too well the first time. What made her think it would now?
Maybe because he was actually considering this, without being yelled at or told to do it. She was giving him a choice.
She stood up and began collecting her things. While he just sat there and watched. "I should go before he comes back and kicks me out." And he would be left alone to do whatever he needs to be done.
