1CHAPTER 3: Better Than Action Figures
The two cousins held on to each other and screamed at the top of their lungs as the RV swerved and crashed into a tree.
Gwen put her sweaty hand on the dashboard to steady herself. "Is everyone alright?" she asked. Ben shook his head and pointed to Grampa, who had spittle running down his chin. "Excluding Grampa?" she corrected. Ben nodded.
Gwen looked out the window and saw a huge alien being running towards the RV.
"Aw, crap," she mumbled. "Not again."
"KEVIN!" Ben shouted as the creature-who was indeed Kevin-stopped in front of the RV. "I thought you died on that alien ship in space!"
"How fucking retarded can you get?" said Kevin. "It's impossible for me to die as long as there are potential episodes I can star in! You didn't learn that the first two freaking times! But I'm not here to fight you..." he turned to Gwen.
Motherfucker, thought Gwen. This had better not be going where I think it's going.
"Gwen, I must confess. I've loved you since the very first moment I laid eyes on you!"
Shit.
"What the fuck you talking 'bout, beyotch!" shouted Ben. "Gwen's MY bitch!" Gwen punched him in the face. "Ow, ow, ok, ok, I'm the bitch, I'm the bitch!" Ben whimpered. "Geez, why are Jews so temperamental?"
He expected the first knife. He was completely taken by surprise by the next five.
"You know what, Ben? You're getting really annoying. So I think I'll just kill you, and take Gwen for myself!" Kevin laughed maniacally. He raised his diamond head hand, ready to punch Ben. Ben quickly transformed into Heatblast.
"Hah! Now I'm Heatblast!" exclaimed Ben.
"Um, good for you," said Kevin. He punched Ben in the stomach, grabbed him, and then threw him far into the forest.
"Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittt," was all you could hear of Ben's fading voice. Gwen let out a sigh of relief. Then let out a groan of frustration once she remembered Kevin was also in love with her.
"Now, Gwen, it is obvious that I am also in love with you. And it's also obvious that you are also in love with me! So stop wasting time! Make out with me, NOW!" Kevin commanded. He grabbed Gwen's wrist and pulled her closer to him.
"Ew, stop trying to rape me."
"I'm not trying to rape you. If I was trying to rape you, I'd do this," Kevin said, and then started pulling down his pants.
"You don't wear pants."
"They're my rape pants. I only put them on if I'm about to start raping someone," explained Kevin.
"Aieeee!" cried Gwen. She punched Kevin in the face and ran toward Grampa. "Oh man, I almost forgot about Grampa. I hope he's okay."
When she reached Grampa she saw that he was unconscious.
"Grampa, wake up!" she said, and started shaking him, which, of course, is proper procedure for someone under cardiac arrest.
"Dang it! I don't have time for this!" she said. She dropped Grampa on the floor and ran out trying to find Ben.
"Wait up, honey!" said Kevin, trying to zip up his fly and run at the same time.
"Great, now I've gotta outrun the lunatic while trying to find the idiot!" panted Gwen. "Wait a minute...if Kevin has XLR8's legs, why hasn't he-"
"...Outrun you by now?" Finished Kevin, who had outrun Gwen while she was thinking and was now in front of her. "Hey, look! Naked pictures of me!" exclaimed Gwen.
"WHERE!" demanded Kevin, turning around. Gwen ran past him. She found Ben sitting in a clearing in the forest, playing with rocks.
"Hehehe," he giggled. "They're like action figures!" Gwen ran over to him and hit him in the back of the head.
"Ben! Get up! We have to go help Grampa!"
"Aw, can we kiss first?"
"No! Ben, please hurry, Kevin will be here any second!" she pleaded.
"Oh, I see. Then I guess I'll just leave so you and Kevin can be alone!" Ben scowled. He turned away, transformed into XLR8, and ran out of the forest. Gwen just stood there and looked at him run with a puzzled, and disgusted expression.
"What the hell.." she mumbled. Suddenly Kevin appeared behind her, holding a bouquet of roses.
"I couldn't find any naked pictures," he explained, "but I did find these roses for you!"
"How did you find roses in a forest like this...? Whatever, just go away." Gwen started to walk off in the same direction Ben was headed, but then she had an idea. She turned back to Kevin and smiled sweetly, batting her eyelashes. "Oh, Kevin. My grandfather has just had a heart attack and I'm ever so worried. Would you mind if you ran me over to him, pretty please?"
"Um, what?"
Gwen sighed. "Run like hell so I can help my grampa."
"Oh! Okay!" Kevin grabbed Gwen and threw her on his back. She held on to him as he sped through the forest.
