Ch 16 March Break
Sirius POV
Hermione came into the kitchen this morning practically radiating. She was clearly happy about something.
She had taken to pulling her hair back into a ponytail. It made her seem older somehow. More mature than she already was, if that was somehow possible. Sirius never doubted her mental maturity, but now seeing her here in a pair of white jeans and a striped button-up blouse. He could visually see her physical maturity. It was strange to see her as an adult. She was almost a year older than Harry. And despite only being in her 6th year she was already a legal adult in the wizarding world.
Hermione wasn't hiding the scar on her arm today. Sirius tried not to stare or frown every time he saw it. It didn't seem to bother her or shake her confidence. In fact, wearing the scar as proudly as she did made her appear stronger.
She was excited about something today. Harry had left the night before to stay with the Weasleys for the next two days. Though Sirius would miss spending time with him, he was happy that Harry was such good friends with the Weasleys. He couldn't deny that it reminded him of his own relationship with the Potters. But he too had his own friendship back in the day with the Weasleys. He wasn't very familiar with Molly back then. But he did know of Arthur and what he did know was all good things. But Fabian and Gideon Weasley were brilliant blokes and even inspired him to want to be an Auror. And though that idea fell through. They did teach him at the time that it was okay to have a laugh one minute and be serious the next. That he didn't just have to be one thing and restrict his personality. It was something that he thought about a lot lately as he became a good parental figure for Harry.
Hermione was also given an invitation but she opted to stay here. She used the excuse that she wanted to stay in the library and do homework. But Sirius believed it had more to do with Snape showing up. The night before the three of them went over Tom Riddle's childhood records. How Snape got his hands on these Sirius will never know. Even he had tried to locate them and was unsuccessful. He had thought at the time that Voldemort had destroyed any record of his muggle upbringing. But he was wrong.
"What has you so excited today?" Sirius asked, eating a slice of bacon. He already had a start on breakfast before she woke. but it wasn't quite done yet. His cooking has drastically improved and he finally understood why Mrs. Weasley loved to cook so much. It was quite therapeutic. He even wondered if it would be too much to ask her for some new recipes. They may have had their personal differences. But that was because they were both fiercely protective of their families. And though they were now on better terms. Both of their tempers have been known to flare up in each others presence. It wasn't either of their faults that they could be extremely opinionated.
"Oh, it's this book on physical and long-lasting defensive spells that I broke into this morning." Why did he even ask? Of course, it was a book. Though it did sound useful.
"Interesting. Where did you get it?" He asked curiously. He didn't recall seeing it in the library. Though he doubted he would have remembered if he did. He did read through the list of books Hermione had put aside that she wanted to read immediately. And this book was not in the pile. He never cared about the contents of the Black family before until he found so few books on Horcruxes.
"Professor Snape let me borrow it." She grabbed herself an apple out of the fruit bowl and took a bite. It was always weird for him to hear people call him Professor. When Sirius thought about Professors, he always thought of them as being old. Like Dumbledore or McGonagall. Though he would never tell them that to their faces. But he and Snape were the same age. "He thought it would help inspire me for our occlumency lessons. As well as the practical benefits of the knowledge." She was gushing over this book with such animation. "It's an extremely rare edition and came from his private collection. I am surprised he is allowing me to even read it let alone hold onto it for a couple of days."
"Of course, he would let you borrow it." Sirius said nonchalantly as he buttered a piece of toast.
She didn't seem to read too much into his comment and how it was specifically directed at her. "If you asked, he would maybe let you." He appreciated her use of maybe. It honestly depended on if Snape was in a charitable mood and if he didn't antagonize him.
"I am good Kitten." Despite their agreement to work together and their progress, he wasn't going to be skiing that man for any favors any time soon. But this did remind him of something. "You are still taking those occulemency lessons." He figured they would have stopped by now. He was originally concerned that they would turn into a disaster, like they did with Harry, but she never seemed to have a problem picking it up as he did. He was concerned though by how much Snape would actually be able to see in her head. He never liked the idea of that particular branch of magic. It always seemed too invasive and a breach of privacy. But Hermione wanted to learn and thought it was important, so he encouraged her.
"Yes. We don't get to practice every week though." She didn't seem to hear the concern in his voice. She was much too engaged with the conversation. "And after the close call with Bellatrix, I want to make sure I am really prepared." Yes, that was way too close for comfort. And though he didn't like to think about it, Hermione of course, would be more concerned with the idea of Bellatrix getting inside her head and finding out their secret plan. Instead of the danger her life was in. "Professor Snape says that I have made a lot of progress in such a short amount of time. He thinks that I have a very secure defence but wants me to practice with others as a safety precaution in case my main defence is broken. And to make sure I can put my shields up at a moment's notice."
Just because he didn't like occulemcy didn't mean he didn't know it or used it. His father practiced on him and his brother when they were young to teach them. Afterwards, his father was always left in disapproval by his thoughts and memories. "What techniques have you tried?"
"The basics. I usually resort to a library and catalogue my memories in between actual books I have read. Slipping the things I want to hide in between pages of those books. I have also done this technique where my thoughts and memories are stored in this house on a hill. And whenever someone tries to climb the hill, it just gets steeper and steeper." Interesting and very creative. Perhaps he should consider practicing his own shields. Though there was no way in hell he would ever let Snape inside his head. Being in the same room with him was good enough.
"I am hoping to try to visualize this one spell I read so far. Where the caster creates a field of vines and thorns that surround anyone who tries to cross it. I have been testing the idea of visualizing actual wand work spells. I thought he would be furious that I was able to get past a couple of his more simple defenses but he was actually kinda impressed by the idea."
Sirius had zoned out for a moment before catching onto her words. "Wait, you were inside his mind. And he didn't murder you."
She just glared at his insult. "He wouldn't murder me. But I did think he would throw me out. It's not like I saw any of his secrets though. Just glimpses of him during dinner and when he was grading essays."
She shrugged off the whole thing so nonchalantly that Sirius couldn't believe how blind she was being. "Nonetheless that is still quite impressive. Maybe he has gone soft. Or you are just warming up that icy interior of his."
She gave him a funny look. "I doubt it. It's not as if our working together has changed him. He's still the same man he has always been." I wouldn't be so sure, Sirius thought. "I know that he can be sarcastic and snarky and borderline rude. He can be rather unpleasant most of the time. But he is only ever angry or harsh when someone is disrespectful to him. Especially when someone intends to." She took another bite out of her apple before placing it on the table. "I didn't intend to enter his mind. It was an accident. And I apologized profusely. So he wasn't angry. He was mostly caught off guard. And considering how he has had access to my mind for months. He simply let it go." Ya but the thing is Snape doesn't just let things go.
"He is a lot nicer to you though." He was hoping she may slip up and reveal why. Again she gave him an odd look as if she was wondering why on earth he wanted to talk about Snape. "I don't think so. I never talked to him outside of the classroom before though so I can't exactly say for sure. And now we are usually alone when we are together. He doesn't have to keep up the big bad Death Eater persona he has while he is in class. He is just his usual blunt and no-nonsense self." Okay, that made sense a lot more than the idea that he had feelings for her but he was not losing hope that he was right about them. "It must be relaxing not having to keep up appearances while in my presence."
She stood up to throw out the core of her apple. He watched her as she moved and how she barely looked his way while she spoke. "I feel sorry for him. That he can never truly relax even at Hogwarts since all eyes are on him scrutinizing his loyalty and every move."
"That's why I try not to argue with him too much when we work together. Unless he is blantly wrong about something and is stubborn about it. His patience has run thin throughout the day and I don't want to add to his hardship." She sat back down and began toying with the cover of her book itching to get back to it. But distracting her from her book was not his primary concern.
"That's very nice of you," he said delicately. "But you shouldn't have to hold back on his behalf." This might be slightly problematic. He thought that since they treated each other like equals they would make a good relationship if they weren't then his entire plan just went out the window.
"Oh, I'm not," she said, quickly easing his concerns. "I prefer to work in silence anyways. And he is quite as well. And if I do have any questions or voice any concerns he will respond. And it usually doesn't have any snark in it as long as it is an intelligent thought." He had to resist the urge to sigh in relief and wipe his brow. She had him worried there for a second. "It's actually quite nice not to have to dumb things down. Just last week, he actually knew what the Schrödinger theory was."
"A what?"
"Ohh it's this theory where if you place a cat in a box with something that could kill it. You wouldn't know if the cat was alive or dead until you opened it. So as long as it remained closed. The cat was simultaneously alive and dead." Her eyes lit up as she described it. And though her explanation was simple and easy to follow he couldn't quite find what about it made her so excited. "And he made the connection that the idea of a parallel universe stemmed from theology over life and death."
"I see what you mean." But he wasn't referring to the…whatever it was called. He was talking about the ease of their conversation and how she doesn't have to hold back with Snape. He could see the excitement in her eyes as she explained the theory. She never got that way with him or Harry when talking about homework.
He wonders if she even realizes how often she mentions him when he is not here.
Sirius understood that compared to the two of them he wasn't the most academic or research intelligent. But he did have eyes and he could use them but apparently, these two couldn't. Admittingly it did take him some time to notice. But all it really took was a couple of encounters in their presence outside of the school to notice the tension between them.
It was undeniable. The way their energy bounced off one another. Often verbally. It astounded him how they didn't realize what they were doing or how obvious it was. To apparently him and not them. He was so surprised by his observation skills that he never once considered how weird it might be for the two of them to have feelings for each other. He was aware of the obvious student and teacher relationship thing. But it wasn't unheard of. His great grandfather Phineas Black was 30 years older than his wife who he met while she was his student and he was the headmaster. Plus she was legally an adult. There was nothing truly wrong about it.
But considering his background and childhood the age difference wasn't so odd, especially to him. He knew people who had arranged marriages from birth and who never met each other till the week before the wedding. Plus he was also hoping for his best friend and cousin to get their act together and they were 13 years apart. And in the wizarding world for that matter. Some wizards lived to the age of 150. What are 20 years in that number?
Sirius kept trying to find ways to drop Snape's name in conversation just to see how she would react.
He was constantly listening and waiting for an opportunity to drop his name. Or to call her out when she said it. He mostly wanted to observe how she said it and how she looked while talking about him. Perhaps she said his name softly or in awe. Or perhaps there is some bitterness in the way she said it. But she only ever mentioned his name and always referred to him as Professor. She only ever mentioned him in the context of the Horcruxes. And she never revealed any more insights she had to the man.
He figured that there would be more obvious signs of her feelings. But they were kept well hidden. She didn't do or act any differently. She didn't suddenly start smiling more or dozing off into a daydream. She didn't seem to fidget or tap her finger more than usual.
He tried to do the same thing with Snape; keep an eye on him. But the man was too well guarded to determine anything out of him.
There was no secret smile or glazed look in their eyes when they looked at the other. There were no talks with secret meanings. No light and cheerful voices or eyes blown wide in excitement at the mere mention of the other.
Neither one of them was revealing any of their feelings. And for a moment Sirius thought he was half imagining things. But then there would be something that would catch his eyes. A gesture or two of kindness that was only extended towards each other. And it would justify all of his thoughts.
But it was all very subtle and small and very much far and few in-between.
Sirius wanted to up the timeline. There needed to be some give and progress with these two. He wanted to see some clear and undeniable proof of their feelings for each other. Maybe to just prove to himself that he wasn't going crazy. And of course for Hermione to find love in a cruel world. And even for Snape to be happy on some level.
Soon a plan started to form in Sirius' mind. He was currently in a perpetual state of curiosity and nosiness. And so he began to plot a way to satisfy his urges.
He knew he couldn't just lock the two of them alone in a closet and expect the two of them to start making out 20 minutes later. That did work on James and Lily. It wouldn't work on them. But he could lock himself with one of them and trap them until he could get a confession out of them.
He knew that he would never be able to get anything out of Snape. He would deny it no matter what. But he would never be able to tell the difference between him lying and telling the truth. Hermione on the other hand was much more open. Her expressions were easier to read. And on top of that, she wasn't the best liar.
She would be easier out of the two to get answers out of. And he wanted. No. He needed answers. This idea was driving him insane. And he needed to know if he was onto something. Or if his time in Azkaban had truly made him go insane.
Luckily an opportunity presented himself and he didn't even have to trap Hermione alone with him.
"You and Snape work really well together," Sirius said at last one evening. It was late and they were both tired. He and Hermione were sitting on the couch in the library. Harry had already gone to bed. And he looked at her through the corner of his eyes. She was reading a book and just nodded along to what he was saying, not really paying him too much attention. He figured now would be the best time of any to initiate his plan "I think the two of you would make a nice couple."
She looked startled by his statement as if her words had pulled her out of a trance. And then she became utterly confused by what he said. Until realization washed over her.
Well, that's a good sign she didn't seem disgusted nor did she hit him which was also a major concern. She opened her mouth several times to speak. Before hastily closing it. Her eyes were wide and slightly dazed as if she was struggling to come up with a reply. It took several moments while Sirius looked at her expectantly and bated breath for what she would settle on saying. "I have many questions and concerns," she stated calmly. Too calmly in Sirius's opinion. "One, are you drunk?"
"Nope, not a drop of liquor in weeks." He was proud he could use that as his defence. It seemed as though she was heading in the route of denial. And was looking for anything to contradict and discredit his claim. But then she went back to confusion.
"Okay. Just to clarify we are talking about Severus Snape. Professor Snape."
.
"Yes we are," he stated proudly.
"Okay. I thought you hated him." Her eyes were narrowed in confusion. She seemed quite unsure of what to make of him pairing the two of them together. She seemed to want to address that before analyzing the hypothetical possibility of herself with Snape.
"I think he is a mean, old miserable bat and I don't hate him, I just don't like him." He could understand her confusion over the misconception.
.
"And you are trying to set me up with someone you don't like. I thought you did like me."
"I do and I think he could make you happy and that is why I am willing to move past my dislike of the man on your behalf." He was doing this for her sake, not his own. It wasn't like he was interested in the guy. Far from it.
"Professor Snape. My professor," She asked again. Making sure they were still talking about the same man.
"He won't be forever." He pointed out. Though the way she said it was slightly odd.
Where was the anger? The denial. The furious shake of her head. Instead, she just closed her book and folded her hands in her lap. She turned to face him more fully, sitting on one of her legs. "Okay. Sirius. I think we need to talk about something."
Why did this feel like she was about to have an intervention with him when this was supposed to be about her. "Wait a second. Hold on."
She held up a hand and immediately stopped him in his tracks. "Sirius. Me and Professor Snape aren't James and Lily."
What?
Where in the world did that come from? He knew that talking about her and Snape may have seemed a bit out of the ordinary but this was completely out of the left field. "Why the hell would you say that? Of course, Snape isn't James, he is far off."
"But I do resemble Lily. You said so yourself."
"Admittedly there are some similarities between the two of you. But I usually just use you as a comparison so that Harry can paint a better picture of his mother." It was just a couple of instances he used her as a reference. Only because she was the only close female in Harry's life and she was an intelligent muggle-born to boot, but that was where their similarities ended. They were so different from one another. So Sirius couldn't fathom why she thought he saw her and Snape as the same as Lily and James.
"Right, you mentioned Harry, we will get to that later." This was going a lot off-script. And he was not prepared in the slightest. Anger, denial and ignoring him were reactions he anticipated. But this, whatever this was, was not going according to plan.
"What are you getting at now?" He didn't like where this seemed to be going.
She gave him a small smile. As if she was trying to explain a delicate situation to a child. "You grew up in an environment where romantic love did not exist. Your parents' marriage was arranged. I guess you thought love was a myth when you were a kid. But then when you were at Hogwarts your best friend fell in love. And despite not being involved in love yourself you experienced the effect it had on him and ultimately the friend group. And you miss it. With them gone and you trying to rebuild your family with Harry and even Lupin you want that love back. That's why despite me telling you countless times that I loved Harry like a brother you tried to set us up." That wasn't it at all. He was invested in his godson's life and wanted to know what was going on between him and his best female friend. And once the two of them expressed their brotherly and sisterly love he dropped it. Admittingly he did have a messed up childhood and yes love was rare in his household but that had no bearing on this matter. "But because it didn't work you were at an impasse. Lupin is still actively avoiding Tonks and you aren't ready for a relationship. But you have started to see me as part of your family. And so you have shifted to try and set me up with someone. It is completely understandable." Really? Because he wasn't making the connection she seemed to have found. She made it seem as if he was trying to recast his past. Which was completely ridiculous. He was done living in the past. And was focusing on the present and the future.
"But have you considered the possibility that you are picturing me with Snape because we are often working together so he has become a constant presence in your life? That, because Lily and James often argued and fought before they got together. That is why you are replicating their relationship with us. Because if they used to fight so much and then fell in love that you think it could happen with me and him."
He found himself at a loss of words. She said it so sincerely and wholeheartedly. It really seemed as though she genuinely believed what she said. She didn't stutter or back track any of her words. It was as if she had given this a lot of thought. And that is what really worried him. When has he ever known her to be wrong? He couldn't seem to recall an instance. So this must be the first. Because it wasn't true. It couldn't be. "That isn't it at all. I think the two of you could actually be good together. That you have enough similarities and differences to have a healthy and balanced relationship. You two have even proved that you two make good partners." But even as he said it. He found his confidence and security in his thoughts from 30 minutes ago slipping. She completely shattered his conviction and left doubt in his mind.
She shook her head sadly. "I don't think you really believe that. I think that trauma and loss have clouded your views in life." Ouch. Now that one kinda hurt. But he didn't blame her for thinking that. Many people did. Hell, even he questioned his own sanity sometimes. "I don't blame you for wanting what you lost. But Professor Snape and I can't replace them. I am sorry."
He looked into her brown eyes. And felt a wave of sadness wash over him. This was not how he planned for this talk to go. And though they may be of different opinions about her and Snape. He couldn't believe that she thought that was how he viewed her. "And I am sorry that you think that all I see you is as a replacement."
She gave him a small nod. And bit her lip before looking at the door. "I think it would be best if we forget that we had this conversation. We're both extremely tired." Ya, that seemed like a good idea. He too would rather forget this conversation. Though her words were completely encasing his head. She definitely left him with some things to think about. And somehow his thoughts were redirected towards himself.
He gave her an encouraging smile though he knew he wasn't putting all of his energy into it. "Alright Kitten if that is what you want."
After that night, he couldn't help but lay back in his bed and sigh. He rubbed a hand over his wary eyes. He didn't think their conversion would be so heavily centred on his past. Especially with the mention of James and Lily. It was almost comical how quickly she was able to turn the table around on him.
But whatever she might believe. He wasn't replacing James and Lily with her and Harry, he wasn't displacing his missing feelings and emotions with them. He wasn't trying to replicate anything. He already knew and loved Harry for a year before James and Lily died. He bought him his first broom and used to take him flying on his motorcycle when Lily wasn't looking. Admittingly Hermione was a new addition to his family. But she was her own person. Not a copycat of Lily. And he wasn't trying to set her up with Snape because he needed to see and have love in his life. He already had it. He loved Harry and was starting to love Hermione like a daughter. He saw the love between Hermione and Harry as they shared a nonbiological familiar bond. Yes, those types of love were familiar and non-romantic. But he wasn't trying to push anyone close to him to be in love. Except Moony. But his situation was different. Tonks was his mate and he was hurting the both of them by denying their connection. He simply wanted everyone close to him to be happy. And if that involved them being in love then so be it. Or if it doesn't then that was okay as well.
He spent so many years being so miserable and depressed with his life. He was starting to come around to being happy again this past year. And he wanted others to be happy too. He didn't think that was such a problem. But apparently, his methods were to Hermione.
He wasn't angry at her for what she said. He admittingly didn't think about how his statement would have affected her or might have made her feel. He might have surprised and overwhelmed her with his statement.
He might have truly buggered this up. No wonder she lashed out and attacked him.
But she didn't… She didn't yell at him and call him mad. She didn't firmly deny his opinion. And usually, people did when accused of liking someone they didn't,
He realized after that she never mentioned her feelings for Snape. She actively avoided them instead of focusing on him. She was too calm and collected because…she had already considered all of this before.
Why that sneaky girl. How very Slytherin of her. Snape would be proud.
But why would she do that? Admittingly maybe there was some truth to her words but that didn't change the fact that he genuinely thought they liked each other. Perhaps she does but she doesn't want anyone to know. Maybe she just doesn't think it will ever be possible for her to act on her feelings. She isn't entertaining the thought that they could be together because despite her having feelings for him, she doesn't think it will work. That he doesn't have feelings for her.
Well damn.
Sirius felt a smirk growing on his face. Maybe he wasn't so wrong after all.
