Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.
Author's note: Danny obviously has issues, and this season we've definitely seen that Lindsay has them, too. This chapter is a bit of a downer, but I felt it was necessary to address their insecurities - I hope you'll bear with me! Thanks for reading, and all your comments.
Chapter 5
Danny's arms were banded around her waist, his head on her shoulder , and he was asleep. Lindsay, however, found sleep elusive. She glanced over at the clock. 6 a.m. At 2 a.m. she arrived at Danny's apartment. They argued. They made love. At 4 a.m. they made love again and Danny had fallen asleep.
Or was "making love" really the correct way to put it? Not really, Lindsay thought. Danny was in pain, and he needed an escape. She was that escape. She didn't blame him, couldn't blame him. For God's sake, she practically offered herself on a platter. Carefully, Lindsay put the bricks one by onein the wall she was creating around her heart to protect her from Danny, from her feelings for him. The insecurities of her youth prevented her from believing she could be worth loving.
15 years earlier …
Lindsay was 16, and a member of any club and activity she could find in high school - marching band, debate, Key Club, SADD, volleyball, the science club - you name it, Lindsay was part of it. She also fit in a part-time job feeding Mr. Jenkins' animals at 5 a.m. before she went to school. Anything to keep her away from home and the constant struggles that took place there.
She and her sister, Beth, would huddle together in their beds, listening to the shouts of her parents, Angela and Joseph Monroe. At 8 years of age, Beth would creep into Lindsay's room when the voices began to rise. Thankfully, this summer, Beth was at a camp her mother's sister Andrea had arranged. Lindsay was glad her sister could experience some normalcy, away from the anger and fighting. The sounds of skin slapping skin was the worst.
Now it was 4 p.m., and band practiced was canceled due to a power outage at the school. Lindsay had no choice but to return home. She was still several yards away from the dilapidated farm house when she heard the shouting.
"I saw you looking at him. You want him, don't you? Or maybe you've already had him! Answer me!"
As she approached, Lindsay saw Joe Monroe shake his wife like a rag doll, her mother pleading with him to stop. "Joe I swear, I don't even know that man! I've never even been to that gas station before!"
With a loud smack, Angela - Angie to the friends her husband hadn't driven away - fell to the ground. "Mom!" Lindsay ran to the house to protect her mother, as her mother had protected her from her father's drunken rages. She burst into the living room and saw her mother bleeding from a cut on her cheek on the floor, her father's breath filling the room with the smell of liquor.
"Lindsay! Why are you home? You have band practice."
"It was canceled Mom. Why don't we go to Mrs. Wilson's house?"
"Your mother is not going anywhere, especially not that bitch's house. She's been out enough as it is, stupid slut."
"You know that's not true," Lindsay said, stepping between them. "Why don't you go upstairs and sleep it off, and mom and I will go to the store and buy some stuff for dinner."
"I'll be damned if I'm going to let you tell me what to do - stuck up little bitch, just like your mother. You think you're special? Well you're not - and you're going to turn out just like her - worthless." Joe raised his hand to slap her, too, when she heard a metallic click.
"You leave her alone." Angie's voice quavered as she trained the pistol on her husband.
"Put it down, Angie. It's ok."
"Mom, don't listen to him. He knows you have the upper hand."
But Joe turned on the charm that won Angie's heart, telling her he loved her, that he would never think of hurting their daughter. Angie's hand grew more unsteady, and Joe, seeing the opportunity, lunged.
"Mom!" There was a brief struggle before a shot rang out. Time seemed to stop as her parents stood still, leaning on each other, before her mother fell to the ground. "Lindsay …" she breathed, and her eyes glazed over. Lindsay knew in an instant her mother was gone.
"Oh god! Angie! I'm so sorry. C'mon baby, talk to me. Sweetie," Joe looked at Lindsay, "I didn't mean it, I'm sorry."
"You bastard," Lindsay choked out, and walked to the phone, hands shaking. "You killed her."
She had just finished dialing 911 when she heard a second shot, and turned to see her father slumped over her mother, blood splattered on the walls behind him, blood oozing from what was left of his head.
In the present …
Lindsay shook her head, trying to drive the image away. Years of love and support from Aunt Andrea and Uncle Carl had soothed some of the wounds, and her job made her feel like she was helping people, making a different. As achild of abuse, however, she always wondered if her father wasn't right. Maybe she wasn't worthless, but she certainly hadn't met many people she could feel close to, certainly nota man. What Lindsay couldn't see was that her fear and insecurity pushed people away, even those who saw the good in her.
Like Danny. I won't make him feel guilty, she thought, carefully extricating himself from his embrace. I never should have let this happen. I took advantage of his grief - it won't happen again. He stirred slightly, but sheer exhaustion left him sleeping. Lindsay collected her clothing and left his apartment, focused on putting as much space between her and the man she knew she was falling for, but didn't feel she deserved.
Shortly after 8 a.m., Danny Messer felt the morning sun shining on his face. Rolling over, he reached for her, his arm falling across a cluster of blankets and nothing more. He opened his eyes but didn't need to look around to know she was gone. Dammit! He thought to himself. What was I thinking? Calling her, knowing she would find me, comfort me, then using her pity to pull her into bed?
Danny closed his eyes tightly, trying to banish all thoughts of her from his head. But try as he might, he could still feel her arms around him, her whispered words of comfort. He had reached out when he called her, needing her kindness and warmth, never intending for it to go further. But intentions never seemed to matter with Lindsay Monroe.
Now they would have to, Danny told himself. There was no way he was going to ruin her life like he seemed to ruin others. Everyone around him got hurt, and he wasn't going to let that happen to Lindsay. No, he would make it clear that he wouldn't hold her to last night, that they could forget it and go on working together like always. She deserved better, and he would stay away.
"I can do that," he said aloud to the empty apartment. "I have to."
TBC
