Chapter 6
I bolted awake, the rush of emotion and sensation flooding over me all at once. It felt so familiar, that same deluge of anger and fear. Except this time, it was different. The same nightmare but with new faces… I steadied my breath, wiping the beads of sweat from my forehead.
As quickly as it came the flurry of emotions calmed into what felt like a distant, old ache. It wasn't hard to guess why, I could feel Luke's presence exerting some degree of calm over my mind. Glancing through the darkness to his side of the bed, I noticed it vacant. Sighing, I also noticed how dark it still was outside. Could neither of us sleep, or had my nightmare woken us both up?
It was a little awkward, even after all this time. The moments right after waking up, trying to sort reality from illusion…it was embarrassing to be so vulnerable. But I knew we were both a mostly open manual to each other at this point, so I tried to shove the awkwardness and old pride aside. For all the good the attempt did…
Getting up, I made my way into the living area, where a few dim lights were already turned on. Sitting there clutching a steaming mug was Luke, a worried look on his face.
"Sorry…" I mumbled. "Did I keep you up…?"
When he looked at me his face softened. "I felt such intense emotions I assumed you were having another nightmare. But I wasn't sure if I should wake you… Are you alright?"
I collapsed slowly into the chair across from him. "Something like that…" I whispered, not looking at him directly.
"Something like alright?" he gently pressed.
"Maybe something like crazy," I scoffed softly.
"Was it the same…?" he asked carefully.
"Not exactly…" I folded my arms in a vain attempt to feel less exposed than I was. "In place of the Emperor's face was Durban's… You and Vader weren't there, it was just…me."
Luke thought silently, his emotions drifting between shades of curiosity and concern. "You don't trust him?" he finally said. "Durban, I mean? Is it because of what I said?"
"I don't have a reason not to trust him, not yet… But I felt the same way about Palpatine once, so my judgment isn't always spot on."
"Yes, but I hardly think it's the same. I know I have my doubts too, but that's just being cautious, we shouldn't worry too much about it unless he gives us a reason to."
It made sense, Luke said it, of course it did. But something inside of me found it hard to swallow. Everything he'd said about me fearing Durban would betray us… Everything about my path to the light… He hadn't been wrong. When was he ever?
"Maybe I have a fundamental trust issue…?" I mumbled, to which he shook his head.
"No, you're just not used to caring, Mara." His face softened into a look of wistfulness. "To have a friend is to risk that they might prove disloyal to you. That possibility is always there as long as people have free will."
I frowned, not liking the taste of his words in my mouth. "Then why don't I worry about you leaving? You do have free will, right?"
"Because at some point in any relationship, the certainty that they won't is infinitely clearer and stronger than the baseless fear they might." He smiled slightly. "That's trust, Mara, and it's also love."
"Oh…" I mumbled like a youngling having her first lesson in Jedi wisdom. Except, this truly was new Jedi wisdom. Talk of love and friendship didn't have a place in the old Order. But Luke could make so much sense out of people and feelings, he almost made it seem simple.
"So…" I added. "I don't know Durban well enough to really trust him, but I…want to?"
"We both do," he admitted. "But you especially would, he was your colleague, you fought beside him."
I sighed. "I fought for all the wrong reasons…"
He looked at me both thoughtfully and with compassion. "That's been bothering you a lot lately, hasn't it…?"
I thought I'd gotten over it a long time ago, but events as of late were certainly bringing it back. "Yeah…" I whispered. "Or maybe it's just fighting at all. I want something better for Ben than the life either of us were handed."
He smiled at me, some simple joy and certainly in his voice. "And that's the future we're working to build. The future we're building together."
I felt the tension slowly ease in my shoulders. My body finally relaxed enough for the fatigue to show through. I yawned, giving away how tired I really was.
He grinned softly. "Try to get some sleep, alright?"
"What about you?"
A flicker of larger worry flashed through his feelings, something he tried to hide. "I thought I'd meditate for a while…"
Standing, I took a few steps closer to where he sat. "You know what's even better than clearing your mind?" I left a small kiss on top of his head. "Being unconscious. I'm not sleeping unless you do."
He sighed in defeat. "I guess it wouldn't hurt to get a little more rest..."
I smiled slightly, and it felt like a nice change. "You think a Jedi has ever fallen asleep while pretending to meditate?"
"In the old order? I doubt it, they were very strict."
I grinned a little wider. "Well I have, once or twice, but that's our secret, Farmboy."
He smiled back playfully. "Should you really be telling your teacher that?"
Taking his hand, I pulled him to his feet. "Hey, I graduated a long time ago, Master Skywalker. Besides, I was your star pupil, you can't deny that."
Wisely, he didn't try either, just let himself be pulled along. For the moment, I felt better. Hidden away here, it was easier to push the past away even when it found you.
I just didn't know how long it would last…
At what point would trouble be too close to ignore?
Exhausted or not, sleep didn't find me easily. Eventually, I gave up the attempt and got up to meet the day. Sliding the bedroom door closed behind me I left Luke and Ben to what rest they had been able to find.
Outside the windows the snow was still falling, sheet after sheet covering the ground. The sky was gray and hazy at best. My thoughts had plenty to keep them occupied. All this talk of the past and legacy…
Of purpose.
It was a funny concept that I never really felt I had a choice in. My family before the Empire was a series of blanks and blurs at best. My purpose was handed to me without me having any say in the matter. That was ironic since I'd stubbornly prided myself in always doing things my own way. My way had really just been the Emporer's way, masked as my own. Was that why his death had thrown me for so long?
Because it showed up just how listless I really was?
I closed my eyes, the memories of how Luke and I had first met. The image of him crumpled to the floor and the sense of hatred and smug superiority I felt. I'd been a fool. I wasn't too deluded to admit it. Though, even now it wasn't an easy thing to confess…
I swished the hot chocolate in my glass, for a second wishing it was something stronger. But it wasn't, and that was entirely the point.
For a second, I just stared down into the dark sweet liquid. Like it or not, all my real purpose began with Luke Skywalker. Something I'd have hesitated to admit before, but now…well, I liked that idea quite a bit actually.
My heavy sugar-laced thoughts were content to drift aimlessly around my head, but they weren't going to get the chance. A chime alerted me to an incoming comm. Opening the encrypted channel I wasn't surprised to see Leia staring back at me. Leaning back in the chair planted in front of the screen, I smiled at her slightly.
"Please tell me it isn't bad news?"
"Not much news at all to speak of. Though I did take the liberty of digging through what little data is available on Guttro the Hutt."
"And?" I asked as I took another sip of hot chocolate.
She flashed me a playful grin. "He seems perfectly innocent according to New Republic records."
"How reassuring… A Hutt that hides his dirt well, who would have thought?"
She laughed. "Don't worry, I'm having Han do a bit of discreet digging of his own."
"Can he actually pull off discreet?"
"I know what you're thinking, but he's come a long way," she teased. "Anyway, I'll let you know if he finds anything interesting."
"Do, we're mostly sitting here worrying…"
"A little hard to think of it as a vacation, huh? Well, I don't blame you, I never was very good at sitting and doing nothing either."
Next to me, Leia seemed so calm and collected, that it was almost hard to imagine her the way some of Luke's stories described her. The hot head that was tough as hull. Well, the tough part was still easy to believe, but hot-headed was something I set new records in all by myself. But she was more than that, she also shared at least a part of her brother's knack for reading people. Jedi or no, I figured the Skywalker twins were just gifted that way.
"You're not wrong…" I mumbled in answer to her unspoken question.
She nodded. "I understand your reluctance to trust Durban completely, I certainly don't."
I looked up, a little startled by how emphatically she'd said that.
"But," she added. "That has more to do with my worry about you and Luke than any old Imperial prejudice. Some of the greatest members of the alliance were once part of the Empire before they defected."
"I know that makes sense, it just…makes me feel a little…"
"You never did feel completely welcome, did you?" Leia asked, both soft and frank.
"Not even close. You've seen it firsthand, how some of the diehards still treat me." I shrugged. "Maybe I'm just hoping Durban does live up to his end of things. Not only because I care about him as a friend, but because it would make me feel better about myself too." I hated admitting it, it seemed so selfish and one-dimensional. But Luke had already guessed it when he talked about my path to the light.
"If Durban becomes the next Vader it won't make a single difference to how we view you, Mara," Leia said without a hint of waver in her voice. It was a tone that certainly was as tough as hull.
I shouldn't have been surprised given I'd threatened to kill her brother to her face and it didn't leave a dent. Maybe it was because she could see right through me? She knew it was just talk from the beginning, didn't she…?
I appreciated her sentiment because she was as much saying she loved me. But that wasn't something I quite knew what to do with. Even after all this time, I was still so clumsy with my feelings. Not something I wanted to admit, but I knew it was written all over the emotions she was sensing anyway.
So I sighed, dropping the act.
"That…means a lot."
She looked at me directly, without a flinch. "You've helped my brother in ways no one else could have. That speaks all I need to know about your character."
I swallowed a little awkwardly. "I don't know if I'd go that far… I mean, I'm sure famous flyboys can get lots of attention if they want it?"
She almost laughed. "If they want it, yes, Luke never did." She paused letting her words sink in slowly. "It lacked meaning, and that bothered him quite a bit."
"My botched past made us meaningful…?" I asked dubiously.
"Not your past, the sincere person you became because of it… That is something truly to be admired. He's different now, Mara," she breathed earnestly. "I know that's because of you."
I looked away, my awkward glance landing on the snow drifting beyond the far window. All my own talk of meaning and purpose came flooding back on point. Only this time I thought of Luke too, of him as some lonely monk living out his days in solitude. Craving a meaning he never found in the droves of airheaded women who only adored a famously handsome face.
It was a little funny, I guess…
So smirking, I glanced back at Leia honestly. "Your brother thinks too much, that's his problem. And to make it worse, that lousy trait is catching."
"That's not because of Luke, it's Ben," she admitted from experience. "Children have a way of making you second guess everything."
"He's even learned to laugh at us now too…" I whispered playfully. "Well, I hope he's enjoying himself, the cute little terror…"
Leia's face softened thoughtfully. "He looks just like you…"
"And Luke," I added.
"And you," she emphasized. "He's a part of you, Mara, when you see it that way you can't possibly view yourself as worthless. No matter your past."
There it was, that word again…
"No matter the mistakes, children show the best about us, the potential." She smiled with so much certainty. "You're not really worried about some Hutt, you're worried about you. About being the you that's enough for that little person you'd die for." Her voice almost glowed, all the personal meaning I knew she must have been thinking of with her own children. "In the end, the galaxy isn't good enough for them, you want something so much better…"
She was right, of course, she was...
"And slugs like Guttro are just some of what's fouling up the galaxy for Ben. And that bothers me a whole lot if I'm honest."
She nodded. "Well, don't worry, if yours and Luke's track record is anything to go on, you'll get your chance to set things right." Her face took on a calm that truly did bespeak not just a Jedi, but a Skywalker. "Don't worry, just let the force lead you."
Truly easier said than done, and yet…
Her words gave me a certain sense of peace.
After the call ended, I put on my heavy jacket. Heading out into the snow, I wanted to do a bit of meditation of my own…
The morning was so quiet the only sound I could hear was the crunch of the snow beneath my boots. I thought back to all the peace and solitude we could only long for a few years ago. Those first years of our marriage had been spent mostly wrapped up in our own obligations. Between his students and the last of my duties for Karrde we'd hardly seen each other for a while there. Though not that long ago, it felt like another lifetime now…
Ben being in the world had made us stop and consider what was most important, that was for sure…
As worried as I was about Durban, the past, and everything in between, a part of me just wanted to enjoy the time away. Stop thinking so much about it all…
A small cluster of trees stuck out in the white landscape; leaves tinted with reds and greens. Leaning against one of them, I took in a frosty breath.
Chased by Hutts or not, I was glad we had time now. Time to remember why we'd gotten ourselves in this mess, to begin with. I smirked to myself. That "mess" being the addition of Skywalker to my name. Glancing back at the condo in the distance I felt a degree of peace that was rare for me.
Everything Leia said had struck a cord or two in my heart. I was glad I had a place to be, and someone to be with… But not just anymore, someone who actually loved me.
Maybe it was no more complicated than that…?
Pulling the fringes of my hood a little closer against the cold, I smiled.
Love wasn't complicated, Luke always told me that, but it didn't stop me from being awed all the same…
I stayed that way for at least a half hour, just watching the herds of animals far in the distance. Most of them were little more than specks on the horizon, a few seemed a little closer. One was near enough for me to make out a few details. The shepherd boy was of a race I was only vaguely familiar with. His green skin stood out like a beacon against the white of the snow, but otherwise, he looked almost human.
I didn't give him or his herd much more thought until a warning light flickered on inside my mind. But I didn't have a clue why. Stepping out of the clump of trees I surveyed the valley in front of me. Dead ahead a creature of some sort was charging at the herd. Before the shepherd could react it grabbed one of the herd animals in his teeth. The doomed creature let out a sickening scream before going limp in the other beast's maw.
With more courage than forethought, the shepherd bashed the attacker with the butt of his metal staff. But that went about as well as I figured it would. Shaking off the assault as little more than annoyance the brute turned his attention to the boy.
Leaping from the crest of the hill I landed in a roll, tossing my saber with the force. When it returned to my hand the beast lay as limp as the herd animal it had victimized. Beside the body of them both, the boy stood in spite of trembling knees. Catching my breath, I tossed back my hood.
"You alright?"
"Y-Yes, ma'am…" he trembled, some degree of his fear now directed at me.
"Hey, take it easy," I reassured him as I took a few steps closer. "I'm not here to hurt you."
"Y-You're a…"
"Jedi?" I said it for him. "Yeah, I get that a lot." I glanced around the sparse landscape of the moon. "I take it I'm the first you've ever met?"
He nodded, his nerves too frazzled to say more.
Kneeling beside the slain herd animal I frowned a little sympathetically. "Sorry I didn't show up sooner, we might have been able to save this one."
He sighed, a real sadness overtaking him. "It's my job to protect them… I failed, it's a disgrace…"
"Whoa, don't overthink it," I said as I stood. "You did your best." He didn't look a day over twelve, and all I could see was Ben in his childish eyes. "No offense, but you're still just a kid." I smiled a little softer. "You probably shouldn't even be out here with wild animals roaming around. Let alone blaming yourself for not being able to take them down."
"I'm thirteen," he protested softly, his pride a little wounded. "And I'm the only one who can do this, my grandmother is too frail now."
"Sorry," I mumbled. "Didn't mean it in a bad way. It's great that you're helping her out, I'm just a little worried about you, ya know?"
Translation: Being a mom made me worry about every scruffy kid I came across. But I wasn't about to admit just how soft I'd gotten...
He seemed grateful for my worry. "Thank you, ma'am, you saved my life and the life of my flock. I owe you a debt I must repay."
I shrugged. "It's fine, don't worry about it. That's what Jedi are for, right?"
He looked at me knowingly. "You are Master Skywalker, aren't you?"
I frowned. So much for keeping a low profile… "That's more my husband's title, just call me Mara."
"We're so far away here I'd only ever heard stories. But grandmother and I traveled to the supply settlement just to see the broadcast..."
"Broadcast of what?" I asked, raising a curious eyebrow.
His face filled with a sort of awe as he looked at me. "Your wedding… Grandmother said it meant the war was finally over." His brown eyes narrowed with emotion, betraying that he had already experienced too much for a boy of his age.
I felt my fists clench with emotion of my own before I relaxed them. "Yeah…" I whispered with a smile. "It is over…"
I thought about everything Luke had said. How he wished the galaxy could know just how simple and ordinary our relationship truly was. But at the same time…they needed hope.
Needed it more than anything else…
"Please let my grandmother and I honor you as our guests today. It's a custom of our people, for all you've done."
I didn't know what to say. We were supposed to be keeping a low profile, but how could I turn him down? "We'd be honored," I finally said.
He gave me directions to his grandmother's house and asked us to come later. Now all I had to do was explain it to Luke… But something told me I already knew what he was going to say.
Back at the condo, I found him sipping a hot cup of caf. Ben was sitting on his lap, thrashing his bantha plush around aimlessly. They both glanced at me curiously when I walked in. Tossing my jacket on the back of the couch I cut to the chase.
"Sorry, but I might have booked up plans for us later…"
Luke blinked with an aura of confusion, patiently waiting for me to explain. So I did, the long and short of it. Careful not to go too heavy on the emotional bits, but he picked most of that from my own feelings anyway.
I shrugged. "So what could I say? Besides, I knew what you'd have done."
"And what would I have done?" he asked a little playfully.
"Take him back to Yavin and make him a Jedi, probably," I teased. "But besides that, I knew you could never turn down a sob story about a poor kid and his grandmother."
The look on his face told me I hadn't been wrong. "They were really that moved by our wedding?"
I got a little quiet before shrugging again. "Yeah, guess they weren't kidding about that whole symbol of peace thing…"
He smiled thoughtfully. "I'm glad we could be something that important to them... Now I think the best thing we can do is show them we're just normal people too."
"We're definitely going then?"
Luke bent down to pick up the bantha toy Ben had just flung. "Of course. They don't know why we're here, and Karrde's rumor has hardly spread to this sector, so it should be fine."
"So I was indeed right about you again, Skywalker?"
He grinned sentimentally. "Are you really that surprised, Mara?"
I smiled, looking into his blue eyes. All the insight Leia had shared was still lingering inside my head.
Meaning and purpose…
Love and everything in between.
"No, farmboy," I whispered. "I'm not surprised at all…"
