I believe there's love in you
Grid locked on the dusty avenues
Inside your heart , just afraid to go
I believe you could love me
But you're lost on the road to misery
And what I gave to you
I could never get back
Don't complicate it
Don't let the past dictate
I have been patient , but slowly I'm losing faith
1040 HRS
Arizona was taken immediately to the emergency room as the bleeding on her forehead just seemed not to stop last night .
From outside the room , Callie was staring at her girlfriend through the window and that was when George returned with two large cups of coffee .
"Thanks ." Callie said when George handed her the coffee . She had been up all night , worried to death . Taking a sip of the coffee , she finally could let out a deep breath . Her hair was messy and her eyes were swollen because of the lack of sleep and Callie knew she look very shitty right now but she couldn't care less about her appearance .
"What did the doctor say ?" George asked concernly as the blonde hadn't wake up yet since she bumped her head against the wall .
"The CT scan was all cleared . She had a minor head laceration but as you could see .. she still hasn't wake up ." Callie explained . Arizona had remained unconscious for the rest of the night and honestly ... the condition got the brunette a little worried .
"Don't worry . If the scan was cleared by the doctor , that means it is really nothing . Maybe all she needs is an extra rest ." George gave a supportive pat on Callie's shoulder , drinking in the last bit of his coffee as he did so .
"Are you aware that she's been going out late at night after making sure that I am asleep ?" Callie turned to face the taller man .
"Callie .." George sighed . "I am aware of that ."
"And why didn't you tell me ?"
"Because I know that you will figure it out by yourself . And with all due respect , Arizona hires me to keep you both safe . She doesn't hire me so that I could invade into her personal life . How could I possibly go against her ?"
"Telling me about her weirdly newfound hobby at night is going against her ?" Callie said , looking disappointed . "George ? I never thought of you just as a bodyguard that Arizona hired . You are like a family to me , along with your trusted men . To me , you all are just like a family to me and we could talk almost about everything with each other . I just wish that you all could see me likewise ."
"I know that ." George said with a straight face , stopping midway sentences .. letting the awkward silence exchanged between them . "Maybe you already noticed and what I am about to say is not a news and you already figured it out yourself ... Arizona is having an issue . It's troubling her and now it has started to mess with both of you . It started since you both were in Miami ."
There , he said it . George let out a deep breath .
Callie knew . She just knew it even if George hadn't say anything now . Is it because of my family ? She's changing back to her old pattern of not communicating to me after meeting my family ? Callie asked quietly to herself .
She had a little monologue all over her head by now and that was when Callie never ending stare caught a glimpse of movement made by her girlfriend .
Callie rushed into the room , concerned with how Arizona would react . George too was following her . But it was too late . Before Callie could say anything , the blonde had ripped off the IV drip away from the back of her hand .
"What the hell was that ?" Arizona groaned as her eyes traveled around the room back and forth . She felt like shit . The sun light that was bathing her face coming from the window was to blamed . "Geez , close that curtain !"
Hearing Arizona's pissed off voice , George immediately went into an auto pilot mode . He quickly let the curtain fell down so that it could cover up the unneeded brightness .
"Honey , you are bleeding out ." Callie said , worried .
"I will find someone to help with that ." George whispered to Callie before leaving the room .
Arizona hadn't yet make an eye contact with Callie . Instead she just looked down on the floor with her palm pressing hard against the bloody area of her skin , trying to stop the bleeding on her own .
Arizona was clearly confused and panicking at first . It took her thirty seconds to realized that she was actually in a room inside of the hospital . Getting tired of observing the plain floor , Arizona wanted to look up but she for sure knew that if she look up , her gaze would likely be greeted by the questioning eyes of the Latina .
Two minutes later , George returned to the room with a nurse named Olivia . As if the nurse understood the situation , she didn't say much as she cleaned up Arizona's hand with the gauze before ending up giving Arizona a brand new smaller gauze so that the blonde could apply pressure on the needle wound area that was still slightly bleeding out .
"I want to go home ." Arizona said , wincing in pain . Part of the pain was caused by her stupid panicky action of ripping off the IV drip , another part of it was because of her head still somehow buzzing .
"Can she leaves ?" Callie asked to the nurse .
"Would be the best to let the doctor reexamine her condition first before going home ." Olivia smiled . "I will call him now ."
"And I will see if I can get them to speed up the whole process . It was a tiring few hours for both of you after all ." George excused himself again , feeling like the couple could use a moment of privacy .
"Do you remember what happened previous hours ago ?" Callie asked after they both were left alone again .
Arizona didn't reply to the question . She just sat there . Acting like a stranger .
The silence was defeaning . Silence . That was what Callie got from Arizona nowadays . "You accidentally hit your head against the wall , Arizona ."
Arizona blinked her eyes as she slowly remembered what happen . It was dark but the shouting , she remembered . The smell of the alcohol that she had excessively consumed last night , that too she remembered .
"You hit your head but before that you were shouting nonsense things at me . You remember that now ?"
"Of course I remember , Calliope ! I remember everything that it is killing me ! I wish I could wake up just now not remembering anything or anyone or even my name ! Because that would be so much easier ." Arizona gritted her teeth angrily .
Callie was taken aback by Arizona's words . "So last night wasn't the alcohol that did the talking .. It was you ."
"Yes , it was me and it was you . Hell , it is always been because of you ."
"Because of me ?"
"Yes ! I was fucked up back then and you came into my life , you dragged me out of the dark tunnel , you taught me millions other feelings than just sadness . You freaking broke down my walls that I had been comfortable living with . And the biggest deal of them all is the fact that I let you in !"
"Is letting me in has been a mistake ?" Callie asked with confusion written all over her face .
"It is actually the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life . Now I am fucked up even worst than before . And you are a fraud , a liar !" Arizona let out a heavy breath , finally looking eye to eye to the woman that she had start to hate . No , actually she didn't hate the person much . The amount of hatred she had for herself was a whole lot more to be compared to the hatred she had for the woman that was standing in front of her . She hated herself for loving Callie too deeply , too genuinely , too consuming that if she turn away now .. it would definitely crush her .
But the weight of love would crush her too , should she stay .
There was no easy way for Arizona . Whatever her decision was going to be , she would hurt herself either way .
People may assumed that in this case of mess , Arizona didn't think about the Latina's heart at all . The assumption was sadly true . In Arizona's perspective , Callie was toying with her feelings . Callie's feeling for her wasn't genuine . Maybe she cared about the blonde but she wasn't in too deep with Arizona . Callie just had to do what she had to do in order to ease her guilt .
Arizona froze for a few seconds .
Maybe Callie did fall for her . Maybe Callie's feeling for her had strayed from guilt to love . But did it matter ? It all started with a lie . Can a love be built in the name of lies and guilts ? With lies being used as the foundation of ones relationship , could it stand still even after a storm hit ?
Arizona tried to believe . Even if Callie's feeling for her had turn as genuine as hers , it didn't change the fact that the brunette was lying at the beginning of their relationship . Maybe Arizona should just confronted Callie about the lies , about what Lucia had told her and maybe .. maybe Callie would start being at least honest to her . Maybe the lies didn't matter as it only brought good things for both of them . Maybe Callie would say that she actually really fell for her . And maybe they could just move on .
But the big question was , could Arizona let go of the fact that Callie had lie straight to her face ?
For these past few days , Arizona had been trying to move passed the truth . She tried to went along with Callie's step . If Callie still wanted her out of love aside of just the guilt ... Arizona tried to think of what she would do should that scenario was actually true but deep down , Arizona knew that she would always holding onto the feeling of being betrayed . Like how she was holding onto it right now .
And look what happened .. They both were suffering . Arizona had become less communicative , disconnected from Callie . She had started to become the same person she once used to be . The same broken , dysfunctional person that Callie encountered at the beginning of their relationship .
And the blonde always knew the old Arizona was more than capable to torture Callie as in emotionally . In fact , Arizona had started the torture in silent .
The asshole , egocentric Arizona was back even before Arizona knew it ..
"I should have known better from the start . Our relationship is just too damn good to be true ." The oceanic blue eyes added . "Maybe we should end this relationship ."
"I .. I don't understand what you are saying ." Callie asked in confusion .
"Come on , Callie . Just come clean . Stop lying ." Arizona's seething resentment finally reached to her boiling points . "The moment you knew about my story , about Joanne and Aiden and how they died . And when you discovered your mother was the defending attorney of those reckless drivers back then .. that MOMENT , you could have just come out clean but did you ?" All cards were laid on the table , there was no taking back anything that she just said .
"My mother was .. the defending attorney ..?" Callie furrowed her forehead , trying to fit the fact into her head .
"Stop it Callie ! Just stop with that innocent face and lies ! Your mother told me everything . Your mother might be everything you told me but she at least had the decency to tell me all about it ."
"Wait .. You spoke to her ? What did she actually tell you ?" Callie asked , surprised .
"The manipulations and the lies . How you actually stringing me along the noble but disgusting act ." Arizona took a deep breath . It took everything inside of her not to scream as she spoke but it hurt . The alcohol and lonely night she had spend outside , it was her way of not trying to think about it but Arizona always knew that one day when she came back to this hurtful revelation , nothing could keep the pain at bay . Not even the alcohol or right now , the painkiller . "So tell me when did you know about it , tell me when was the time you decided to fix me which by the way to me it was only an act of manipulation ."
Callie only stared at Arizona , trying to wrap her head around the accusations Arizona just threw at her mercilessly .
The stare , Arizona wrongly interpreted it as a sign of Callie trying to challenge her . It certainly didn't set well with the blonde as Arizona opened her mouth just to yell again . "Goddammit , answer me !"
"I didn't manipulate you and I don't even know what are you talking about . How could I answer you ? At least enlighten me here !" It was Callie's turn to yell .
"Once upon a time , there was this broken woman that barely recovered from her wife's and son's deaths . And then she met this awkward but beautiful lady at this one coffee shop . Fate has brought this woman and the coffee lady together and as they grew closer , the woman opened up to this lady .. until somehow , the lady accidentally discovered something about the woman's past connected to her lawyer mother . Somehow , the mother was the defending attorney in the broken woman's late wife case , along with the dead son . So this coffee lady , she felt obligated to make things right because to her , her mother was part of the woman's pain . She wanted to fix things for this woman , taught her how to love herself again eventhough she knew that it wasn't in her goddamn business for her to did what she did . To the coffee lady , it was a right thing to do . But if you ask me , the right thing to do in this kind of situation is actually just tells the truth instead of lying for what ? For a five minutes comfort ? Sounds familiar now ?" Arizona lie down the whole case almost in one breath . "Fate has brought them together at the first place but for sure fate wasn't to be blamed for everything else after that ! In drunk I may have asked you this similar question but now I am sober and I need to ask you . For just this once , I am begging you to answer my question honestly and no more lies . When are you planning to leave me for good ?"
"Are you finished ?" Callie's brown eyes went wide , it was her turn to snap . "You are out of your mind ! My mother put this crazy thoughts in your head and you just let her ? I didn't know anything about her being the defending attorney until a minute ago . And you are accusing me of loving you out of sympathy ? You are telling me that I only care about you because I am forced to ? All of the love I have for you , you are saying it's all fake ?"
"Come on , don't act like it bugs you ." Arizona hissed . "You never really cared about it ."
"For one second , stop speaking on behalf of my head and emotions ! Of course it bugs me , Arizona ! It bugs me for all the love I have gave to you , you still feel like you aren't worthy of it that you thought you were only receiving a fake and sympathetic love from me . When the truth is , it has always been you . My feeling for you is genuine . What else could I do to make you see what I see in you , Arizona ? What else ?" Tears were slowly streaming down on the brunette's face . Callie didn't realize but there she was , sobbing .
But sadly , that didn't soften Arizona's heart even for a tiny bit .
"YOU ARE A LIAR ! A GOOD ONE !" Arizona yelled from across the room . "Stop with the waterworks !"
That only made the Latina cried harder .
"I said , fucking stop it !"
Another painful yell .
The Latina already expected the yell but somehow she still jumped to that yell . She sobbed , trying to drown the tears into the quiet sob and her heart just broke into another small pieces as she did . The last four sentences were too much for her .
She never knew that four sentences could break her this hard . Never knew those words could win against all the memories they had shared together for almost months now . The memories , the good one .. she knew she should be holding on to it in tough moment like this .
But she couldn't . Not when Arizona acted like this . This wasn't the Arizona she knew . Callie dare herself to looked up to the blonde's direction , Arizona wasn't there anymore . But the sound of the toilet being flushed down indicated that the blonde was in there .
The ride back to the penthouse was awfully quiet . George was sitting on the front passenger seat next to his assistant for the day , Tom who was driving the large SUV . At the back of the SUV was Callie and next to her , there was Arizona whom had chose to remain silent after their fight in the hospital room that George was unaware of .
Maybe the mood swings that Arizona now had for days wasn't a surprise to George no more , so he just took it that the silence inside of the vehicle was just one of Arizona's day .
But the upcoming argument that was about to happen right in this SUV , George definitely could not see it coming .
The Latina took a peek at the person sitting next to her , there was a huge gap in between them as Arizona was seemingly sitting as far away as she could from Callie with her eyes being so focused outside of the window . There wasn't even a small worry glance from the blonde to Callie since they got into the car , not even a sorry for the harsh words that Arizona had used on Callie .
And to Callie , the words were an accusation . An accusation where she didn't even get a chance to defend herself .
Callie slowly found a courage , determination was shown on her face . She was never a naive , submissive , weak woman . Maybe she used to be with Echo but no , she wasn't going to go through that same old phase with Arizona . As far as she knew , she hadn't do any of those things that Arizona accused her .
"Arizona ?" Callie called , her hand slowly searched for the pale hand .
"Hmm ." The reply was full of annoyance and on instant , the blonde shifted her hand away from the tanned fingers . Her eyes were still focus on the outside view .
"So , we are really gonna this ? You will just stay mad for goddamm knows how long and I will just be okay being punished for something that I didn't do ?" It was Callie's turn to snap . Back at the hospital , she was thunderstruck with the sudden shift of their now rocky relationship but the longer she processed it internally , the more strength Callie got to finally began defending herself .
"Not now , Callie ." Arizona hissed .
George froze in his seat but he managed to mouthed 'earmuff now' to his now shocked assistant . He too was surprised .
"Yes , it is now !" Callie replied . "I don't deserve any of this ."
"True . You don't deserve anything after what you did ." Arizona taunted Callie . "And don't think for a second the silent treatment I'm giving you is a punishment . It's far away from that and it is just a starter ! I could make your life a living hell if I want to ."
Callie closed her eyes for a while , it was heavy on her heart to listen to the venomous words . She gathered her strength , her eyes found the blue eyes . "You would really do that ? You would hurt me ?"
"I would very much have the pleasure in doing so if I could but damn it , I love you Callie that the air is shrinking everytime I breathe ." Arizona's eyes gave a stabbing stare into the brown eyes . Both set of eyes were full of hurt and pain . "But if you think I would just let you get away after what you did , you got it all wrong ! I will make you suffer just how you did to me . Only then we are even ."
Could one forcefully unlove another person ? Arizona had this same question going on inside of her brain for hundreds of time already . She wouldn't want to force Callie to stay with her when the game's over but Callie messed up lots of things that were Arizona's . Callie had taken her trust , touched her emotions which she didn't even know they were still exist and the brunette certainly got the blonde attention , affection and love .
Finding out that it was all build on lies , Arizona felt robbed .
"Stop saying that ." Callie shook her head , disappointed . "Stop saying you love me . If you love me , you wouldn't even dare to think of hurting me . Even if it's just in your head and maybe .. maybe you don't have the heart to actually hurt me because as you said .. you love me too much but it still saddened me for the hurting thoughts you have for me . God , what have you become Arizona ? Where did we go wrong ?" Callie's tears finally fell again .
Arizona's mouth couldn't form any words . Instead she just stared into the brunette's eyes . Tears were running down the Latina's cheek , it was visible . She was the reason of the tears . Surprisingly Arizona didn't do or say anything to stop the tears , she just continued staring with her heart hit by a pang of guilt and regret .
What have you become ...Arizona pondered the phrase in her head silently while sitting so dysfunctionally next to the sobbing brunette . This was her before Callie came into her life . This was all of her . And it wasn't new side of Arizona , she just fell back into her old pattern of pushing people away . The destructive pattern , only this time it wasn't just self destructive . She was destroying other people .
"Stop ! Just stop !" Callie said slowly but her voice was heard by the three other person in the car . "Tom , could you stop by the road side in front there ?" She requested again , sobbing at the end of the words .
The sudden request also stopped Arizona's mind from flying even further in her deep thoughts . Her eyes shot up on the rearview mirror , penetrating a gaze straight into the driver's eyes , signaling him to ignore the ridiculous request . The penthouse was still 10 minutes away of the car ride . "Keep driving . We only stop at the penthouse ."
"George ." Callie opened her mouth again , begging to the man that she thought of like a good friend now . She didn't dare to give Arizona even one small glance as she continued with her words , knowing that the blonde next to her was probably watching her like a hawk . "Please .. I need to get out of here . I need some air . I need to breathe ."
George couldn't pretend not to hear any of Callie's plead . He was torn between granting Callie's broken wish or to stick to his boss's direct order . It took him five awful seconds to make a decision . A humane decision . He turned to his assistant , nodding his head once .
Tom understood the given body language . Somehow on the busy street , he managed to pull over by the roadside .
George traveled his eyes at the back seat area , finding the supposedly to be furious eyes from his boss . And he was correct . Arizona was giving him a sharp stare . If only looks could kill people ...
"Arizona , I have tremendous respect for you but this time I am sorry for dis..."
*Slam*
Before George could even finish his words , the door was shut close from Callie's side . And there it was .. Callie was gone . Arizona jumped to that sound , but seeing the empty seat surprising her even more .
"Damn it ." Arizona furiously got out of the car , didn't even bother to look out before opening her side of the door that was just only a few inches away from the moving traffic .
George sighed heavily to his assistant before climbing out of the car . This would be one hell of a morning .
*Honk*
Callie opened a fast steps but for a second she looked over her shoulder to make sure that Arizona was alright , without a doubt she knew that the honk sound was meant to be for Arizona reckless behavior .
"CALLIE !" Arizona yelled with a deep breath as she ran after the Latina . "Come back now !"
Callie just ignored the voice but she knew Arizona was only two or three steps behind her .
"You really gonna do this in the middle of crowds ?" Arizona lunged forward , grabbing the brunette by the wrist . Finally catching up , she forced Callie to face her . "Seriously , get in the car now I'm not kidding ."
"Or WHAT ?" Callie rolled her eyes in annoyance . Space ... She just needed a little space from the blonde .
"Do you prefer me dragging you like a little kid ?" Arizona hissed , tightening her grip on Callie's wrist . "Get in the car !"
"No ! You stop acting like one ! You refuse to talk and close off whenever you like . That makes you less child - like like I am right now ?" Callie stared sharply into Arizona's eyes . "You didn't at least try to digest my explanation . I deserved a benefit of the doubt . But instead you started to punish me even before I got the chance to defend myself . Is that fair ? Is that your level of maturity ?"
"What's with the commotion here ?" A voice suddenly jumped in , interrupting Arizona's turn to speak .
Both women turned to the unfamiliar voice . Their eyes were immediately greeted by a dark haired American Italian woman in her inner white blouse paired with a dark blue blazer . She had a strong jawline and her build was muscular but both women still had no idea who this random stranger really was .
"If you could let go of her bright red wrist for starter ." The stranger suggested to Arizona . Well , it wasn't really a suggestion because the voice was more in commanding tone . Staring eyes to eyes she raised her eyebrows when Arizona didn't move at all .
"I don't know who you are but it's the best for you to stay out of this ." Arizona replied in cold tone before turning to Callie . "Let's go ."
Callie tilted her head to the side , looking at the busy road next to them . She was conflicted of whether to find her own much needed space or just follow Arizona back home now that a stranger had started to get in the middle of the tense situation .
Two pair of eyes were waiting for her response . And soon , another pair of eyes was added as George stood up straight right behind Arizona . The stranger quickly came to acknowledge George's presence to this unpleasant encounter . She briefly looked at George before her eyes traveled back to Callie's face .
"You don't have to follow her if you don't want to ." The Italian woman spoke , breaking the silence . She seemed to catch the hesitation in Callie's body language . "In fact , you don't have to do anything that you don't want to ."
"Excuse me ?" Arizona raised her voice to the stranger . "She is my girlfriend ! We live together . Wherever I go , she goes ."
Girlfriend .. Callie felt like it was a punch to the gut when Arizona used that word to describe their now crumbling relationship .
"Actually , I have figured that you both are a couple . And I have also noticed a red flag ." The stranger woman replied .
"Well then you are obviously a color blind . Couples fight and that includes me and my girlfriend . Stay out of it ." Arizona said firmly . "And don't suggest that I am being abusive towards her because she's all fine . No scars , no bruises . Know why ? Because I never hit her . Not even once ."
"Red flag . I notice one because I have dealt with it plenty of times already ." The stranger took a few steps forward in Arizona's direction . "And the more interaction we have , the more my hunch telling me that you ARE an abuser ."
That was when George noticed a gun hanging on the stranger's waist .
"BACK OFF ! She got a gun !" George pushed both Arizona and Callie to the side with his body as he quickly took out his gun from the holster and aimed it directly at the woman .
People on the street looked at them , quickly backing away from the misunderstood situation .
Arizona pulled Callie into her embrace , not wanting the brunette to see horrific situation that was happening right in front of them .
"And I also got a BADGE ." She calmly pulled the side of her blazer , revealing the Seattle Police Department badge alongside with the gun that George saw earlier . "I suggest you stop pointing yours at me ."
"Who are you ?" George yelled , putting his gun into the holster swiftly but he never took his wary eyes off that woman .
"I'm Captain DeLuca of Seattle PD ." The woman replied sternly , eyeing at the direction of the now hidden gun . "You know that I could seize up that thing from you ."
"I have license for it . I am the security leader for her ." George pointed his finger toward his boss . "We had a scare before this . I am on standby since then . Just doing my job ."
"Likewise , that is exactly what I'm doing ." Carina DeLuca turned her gaze toward the couple . The wrist grabbing had turned into a hand holding . But the red color on the wrist was still visible . "It's a country of freedom . If she doesn't want to follow you for whatever reason , that is her right . I am not judging any of you here but you both were arguing in a public place , I couldn't just pretend that I didn't see it ."
"And also , an abuse is not all about physical pain . Verbal abuse is an abuse too ." Carina gave Arizona a look .
Both women ended up giving each other fierce looks .
"Thank you , Captain DeLuca . But I am fine . Definitely not being abused here , I assured you ." Callie awkwardly laughed off the whole situation in hope for the situation not to be dragged furthermore . And then she turned to Arizona , staring as she spoke the inside of her heart out loud . "She wasn't like this before . She's just ... not at peace . It was a misunderstanding ."
"Arizona , I need to have a little time for myself . I need this very badly . Please , try to understand me ." Callie pleaded to the blonde . She sighed , getting tired and more tired with the whole thing as the second passed .
Arizona stared at the Latina for a brief seconds as the pleading eyes stared back into hers .
"Okay ." Arizona replied bitterly . "George goes with you ."
"No . Not this time , please . I will return to the penthouse later and tonight we will talk about the direction of our relationship like an adult . No running and no yelling ." Callie shook her head when she got no response from the blue eyes . "Arizona , please ? I am getting tired ."
Arizona stared into the brown eyes . The eyes were indeed getting tired . The light in the eyes that once used to fill with joy and happiness , it were now filled with nothingness . Before Arizona knew , the light had burnt out . All because of the careless accusation and harsh words she chose to use as she threw the accusation openly toward Callie .
"Okay ." Arizona finally granted Callie's request , the tone in her voice was soft .
Callie nodded . She could only hope that Arizona would use the same tone on her when they have their conversation tonight .
I hope this chapter is just as good as usual .
I know it's been a while since my last update .. Life been messy since the past few months with several issues hitting close to home .. causing me to relapse into depression and destructive pattern . Sadly , still struggling to this very day .
To be honest , only updating this chapter because I have missed the human contact of communicating with people around here that doesn't know too much about me to judge me .
And also gotta release what am I feeling nowadays into this chapter .
Until then .
