Chapter I: Autumn
The tunnel was so narrow that I, even being a short person, could not draw myself up to my full height, and the smell in there wasn't wonderful. But it didn't confuse me; the main thing was that not far from the hatch to the surface really lied a big grey dog. It seemed it crawled away that much it could; in the dim light from above I could see its sides rise and sink with difficulty.
And I carefully went towards it. I had great confidence that, if I wish it well, it will understand me – and won't bite me. Not on any account.
I can't blame it for simply protecting its life, when men were trying to kill it.
But I – I – am not going to hurt it, right?
"Everything will go well…" I tried to speak friendly, so that the dog could also understand that I want to help it, but I suddenly realized I'm nervous, and it inevitably shows up in my voice and my inflexion. "I just want to help you…"
No, of course I understood that the dog can bite me. Theoretically. It can even bite me to death… But that was the point. I was dead in my castle for so long that I just needed to understand I'm alive. If I'm afraid – I have something to lose. It means my life isn't over yet…
To say the truth, I was scared a little.
It seemed that, coming to the dog, I was saying something tender, sedative. It was lying quietly on the floor, keeping a gold eye on me. This eye is not dog-like, thought I at that moment…
I made another step, carefully kneeled to the dog and put my hand on its head. The dog didn't move.
I forgot the main rule: do not look predators straight in their eyes, because they consider it like an aggression.
"Good dog," I said to it. And added through my old habit: "Kitty-kitty-kitty…"
In the next second the "good dog" seized my shoulder, and a stab of pain run through my body.
I still do not know, why my right shoulder – and not my throat. Maybe he really didn't want to kill me. Maybe he wanted to do it, but missed because of weakness… I don't know. He will never tell me. And I will never ask him about it.
As a matter of fact, I do not know many things about him, about my Wolf.
"Hello, Wolf," said I quietly, taking a sit on the floor near his cage.
Of course, he kept silent, thinking that a conversation with me is beneath his dignity. Well, maybe he's right.
I already knew who Wolves were – in some days I rummaged an immense pile of books. All that I've read mixed up in my head – Cheza, flower, Wolves, way to Paradise, Wolves, Darcia, other nobles, Wolves once again… But I knew that the cage was too durable. Even he with his entire Wolf's strength couldn't break it.
For those days that passed after our first meeting he almost recovered; at least, I didn't notice a single wound on him… He was well fed by my order.
I've already read about the exceptional vitality of Wolves. And what about my own shoulder, it smarted, even if I wasn't moving it, as though the fangs still remained in my body.
"In your opinion, you can attack a woman, if she wishes you well?"
He remained silent, sitting like a statue, coolly staring somewhere in space with his golden eyes. It doesn't matter. I'm stubborn too.
"Perfect, I'll sit and keep silence too."
In five minutes I started to feel cold.
In ten minutes I started to scold myself for choosing such a bad pose.
In fifteen minutes I hardly kept myself from yawning. And this stupid game began to be tightened; Wolf was staring at the wall, and I was looking at him. And after some time I think I started to…
The contours of the Wolf were becoming blurred right in front of me… They were taking a shape of a man.
I had only to shake my head, and it disappeared; there was a Wolf sitting in the cage before me, a big, proud, ashen Wolf. A strong, sly animal, which found himself in cage through misunderstanding. Because it's a humiliation of his nature, a humiliation of him – to cage him.
"By the way, when you bit me, it was wary painful. And offensively too."
He kept silent again.
"What, you're too proud to answer?"
Oh, yes.
"Get out of here," I stood up, looking for a key in my pocket. "Get out of here and be gone – I'm not going to stop you."
The door of the cage clanked. The Wolf seemed to look at me with interest for the first time. No – with an expression, that looked like a dark, mistrustful interest. I opened the door wider.
"Come on, I myself will help you out, and nobody will dare to stop you. Well?.."
He kept on sitting. I felt that I was going to cry.
"Get out of here – come on! Be gone!"
And in answer to this – nothing, except of kingly, murderous silence.
"What, you're too proud?" – hissed I. I found his weak spot – pride - without even knowing it. I couldn't hit him harder even if I had wanted to.
"Can not accept such a favor? Well, sit then. But do not complain later."
I shut the door in and quickly, quickly left. It extremely offended me. I suppose that nobody had insulted me like this before. And I think him too.
During the next two weeks I hadn't visited him. I extremely wanted to do it – but didn't dare to. I just silently came to the dungeons, made sure that he slept and secretly looked on him from round the corner.
It seemed to me that he never woke up during my visits.
He was good fed as before, and he ate everything. But I didn't abase myself to ask him to leave for the second time; I already knew he wouldn't agree.
Scared servants told me that bars of the cage are slightly bent, as though the Wolf threw himself on them with all his strength, and on some of them could be seen traces of teeth. I don't know, I was afraid to come close to him because he can wake up – I thought that I will not bear humiliation if he will look at me with his gold eyes and turn away from me with scorn.
So here he is, my Wolf - he wanted freedom. I think he wanted it extremely, but he was too proud to take it from my hands, when I offered it him. Interesting, did he regret about that?
The more I looked at him, the more I saw a human in him. I found out it is very easy to see the human form of the Wolf: you just need to look narrowly at him, but not as though you want to make a hole in the Wolfskin, but as though you want to envelop him with your look, to see not the cover, but what is hiding under it… You must be ready to see a human – or he will remain an animal to you.
I was ready – and I saw a human.
I saw a tall, young man with a strict, severe profile – and his only swarthy profile was astonishing proud. I saw thick, white as snow hair, which were collected in a pony-tail, and earrings, and stylish clothing, which suited him – him, the Wolf… I had only to look aside from him – and a powerful strong beast with ashen hair stood right in front of me.
Sometimes, looking at him, human, I was startled. I kept a man in the cage. What if he will stand now and begin to speak with me – what will I answer?..
But I didn't walk away. And he, as would be expected, was like a statue in my presence, not like Wolf or human.
Sometimes, when servants asked me something concerning the Wolf, a tall, young man with a strict, severe profile appeared before my inner look, and only then I remembered: the Wolf. Oh, yes, the Wolf…
Sometimes I wanted to cry.
"Go away, Wolf," I was trying to open the cage; my fingers were foully trembling, and I couldn't insert a key in a lock. "Wo-o-olf…"
Of course, he remained silent. And I was close to hysterics: I already heard steps behind my back, felt hands lying on my shoulders and saw weapon put against my temple.
"Wo-o-olf…"
The door opened finally, creaking with its hinges, and I hang by it, slipping down to the floor, because my legs went weak in the knees. Because I had been running for a long time, and I'm not used to running, and because of…
The steps.
I seized the grating, trying to order my heart to beat slower, but of course it wasn't obeying, it was beat against my ribs; probably, the Wolf was beating against the bars of the cage, in which he was put according to my order, the same way. I didn't imagine the steps this time – people were coming towards the dungeons, a lot of people, and they weren't hiding.
During my whole life I got so used to me, a mistress, having servants, which obey me without any objections, that a thought about a rebellion has never come into my mind. Was I a poor mistress? Did I demand a Moon from the sky, levy an exaction on them, or kill for a mistake or a insubordination? They always obeyed me, though…
I easy slept in my room, knowing, that there are more then a hundred strong men in the castle, and a third of them has weapons. I knew it and firm believed that they are devoted to me. And they were…
Well, even if they are dissatisfied with me, why do they want to kill me?.. Why?
Maybe they didn't want to kill me at all, but some gunshots behind my back which I heard when I was running away convince me of the opposite. Of course, maybe they were shooting not in me. But…
Steps – nearer and nearer.
That's all.
I leaned my forehead against a cold grating. I wanted to close my eyes, to become very-very quiet, my heart to beat noiseless, and my breath to become noiseless to – a childish, naive hope: maybe if I'm closing my eyes and do not see someone, this someone does not see me as well? Maybe if I'll become quiet and won't resist, they just won't notice me, or just looked at me and understand how good I am… And they won't touch me.
Please?..
I was trembling: for the first time in my life I was so extremely scared. Of course when the Wolf attecked me I was terrified too – gleaming gold eyes near my face, sharp teeth, hair in blood – and my blood too – and a hollow animal growl… But there it was wery quick, and, besides, it «was» and «there». I already forgot it. The steps of the people, who were obeying me not long ago, but now are wanting to kill me, coming nearer – it «is», «here» and «now». And the steps are coming near slowly, so I have time to feel a copper taste of fear and panic on my tongue.
Here they are, the steps – near me. Here they are, the hands – already on my shoulders. Here it is – weapon – I already sense the probable trajectory of the bullet's flight through my head.
I don't want to!..
"You, stand up!.."
I lowered my head and to screw up my eyes, but I knew, who is it – I recognized him by his voice. Haar, the head of my body-guard. The former head of the former my and, I suppose, former body-guard. I remembered when I declared that I will go into the sewerage tunnel to look for the dog and everybody started to dissuade me from doing it, he was the first who gave up…
I just shake my head, keeping silence. Even if I had wanted to stand up, I couldn't do it - my legs were weak.
"Well…"
With Haar's rude help and with the help of the grating, at which I desperately clutched, I stand up. And I'm even standing, though a barrel of a weapon stiffed some centimeters from my head.
"And where's the dog?" asks someone dully, but his question remains without an answer.
I don't know. I had already forgotten about a Wolf and his ashen fell, because my own skin will be very soon pierced with bullets. Seemingly, he left at last, when I turned away and wasn't looking. Left and went home into his forest.
"Forget it. Somewhere here… We'll find it later."
"Hey, what's the difference? It's just a big dog."
"Shoot, Haar!"
"Shoot her at last…"
And I understood, that they were talking about me too.
Haar led me somewhere, rudely grasping me by the right shoulder. I was obedient, went and silently cried – else because I didn't want to die, else because my ahoulder began to ache badly again. I think I could have asked them, begged them not to kill me. Let them do what they want – but do not kill me, because I extremely wanted to live and nothing else – but I kept silence. And pride was not the point at all, though, maybe…
I simply still couldn't understand that is happening with me.
Blinding white light hit me in the face – we went out of doors. It was freezing at night, and snow was covered with a crisp icy crust, which was cruelly shining in the sun. Wherever you look, you see only the deathly glacial radiance. Tears were freezing on my eyelashes.
When we walk away from the castle, we stopped, and I understood, that this time all is really over.
And then appeared he, my Wolf.
Not once paid I attention to his appearance – he always does it showy. Maybe it is done meaningly, maybe it happens of itself, maybe I'm just imaging it – but then he appeared glaringly, as though he jumped down from the sky. Somebody's broken neck-bones crunched, then crunched and broke the thin crust of ice over snow, because dead bodies were too heavy. Death really came – but not for me.
"Are you running?.."
The Wolf – in his human form – turned to me, swing his swarthy face, and there was an expression of impatience – and, perhaps, of irritation caused by my slowness.
"Well!.."
"Yes," I breathed out. However, I'm not sure he heard me. In that moment I was ready to run with him anywhere, even to the world's end, even to the abyss, even to the highest mountain's peak.
I was ready, but my body – not; the crust of ice over snow was breaking under my legs, it was becoming more and more heavily to run, and the cold was getting in my clothes, under my skin to the muscles, making them work with more and more effort. And, as I said before, I just run not very good, and the back of the Wolf was moving away from me farther and farther. The contours of a human started to blur before my eyes again. The human… The Wolf… The human… I ran and was horrified by the thought that soon I will fall, not able to stand any longer.
And when that happened, I even didn't try to get up – I just stayed lying on the cold shining snow. Because the Wolf already ran farther, into his forest, and I'm not going to catch up with him, no matted how hard I'll try. And it was cold… Extremely cold.
Someone lifted me up easily on his hands and ran with me farther. I opened my eyes and saw a proud swarthy profile right in front of me.
At the turn of the city and the forest he finally stopped and put me on the ground. There were houses nearby, but all of them were old, rickety, desolated, with worn out roofs; even tramps didn't live there. However, I even didn't know, whether there are tramps in my city…
My legs were weak, and, when I lost support, I fell to my knees. I wanted to stand up – I wanted to stand up, honestly! – but my legs were still weak. And I stubbornly stared at the ground and said to myself: I must. I certainly must stand up, or I won't have right to look at my Wolf. I would better die, but I won't look at him from the bottom, standing on my knees just because my legs are weak…
And I stood up. I don't remember how I did it, but I stood up. It seems that I even thrusted my nails into my own knees – in order to make it easier… And only then, already straightened myself up, I allowed myself to look into his face.
And my first thought was: I had better not to do it…
The eyes. Even in his human form he had golden eyes. Absolutely not human – but not animal eyes too.
Even if I had wanted to say something, I forgot it all when I saw these eyes.
"Cold," broke from me.
Really, I was extremely cold. According to the thermometer, it was five degrees below zero centigrade in the morning, and I was wearing only a single blouse and light-headed trousers – I usually wore it when in my castle. Now – my former castle. How hard it was to get used to this thought…
The Wolf gave me a piercing look, and if I weren't trembling from cold, I certainly would have felt myself uncomfortable. He was warm unlike me, in spite of his trousers, a T-shirt and a jacket, that were light-headed not less than mine.
"Come on," ordered he, turned away and went to the one of the desolated houses. I had nothing to do but to follow him. And I followed.
I understood what he wanted to do only when he easily broke the first chair that he came across in the house, as if it was made from cardboard, and threw the debris into the fireplace; the armchair was the next. Of course, the furniture here was old, it stood here heaven knows how many years, but still, I saw for the first time, that wood was broken like a match. Without any effort…
The fire in the fireplace licked the debris; I sighed with relief and sat without a word sat near the red brick of the fireplace, which already started to become warm. The Wolf to look down on me, and then turned around and went away, to the exit.
And I understood that I'll never see him again. Never. But even this wasn't the most terrible.
Really, if he will leave now, I'll stay in this fucking city alone. All alone. It doesn't matter how I was afraid of my Wolf; I was afraid to remain alone even more.
I rarely use unquotable words, even mentally. And when I use them it means I'm ready to do almost any foolery. Any temerarious act. Any impudent act.
I had to say thank you. I had to do it, of course, but what if he will just answer me «You're welcome» and leave? And I'll simply be left here, near this fireplace, which was fluxed by him for me. And what will I do when the fire will go out?
Do I have enough impudence to impose myself on him after the cold nonchalant answer? I'm not stupid, and I understand that I'm just a spoilt girl, who is used only to receive, not to give, used to the thought that I have everything in life… I don't know a lot and I don't know how to do many things. But I have my pride too! I don't know whether I can abase myself knowingly…
"Where are you going?.."
It seemed that he didn't expect such a question from me - most likely, he didn't expect me to say something at all.
"What does it matter to you?"
I heard such a long sentence from him for the first time. But this sentence still wasn't enough to hear his voice distinctly.
"I want to go with you," confessed I waited for what he will answer. Properly speaking, I already knew that, but…
"Forget about it. I'm going alone."
"Why?" asked I in a colorless voice. I'm not abasing myself, right? By no means, no. I'm not asking, I'm not begging, I'm not on my knees before him with tears on my eyes, entreating him to take me with him. I'm just asking – why…
Ah, I knew it anyway. Because I'm a big burden on his way. Because he doesn't need me, and he has no wish to busy himself with me. And, finally, because he is not the type whom you can "go with".
And I can't reproach him with it…
"Because you're a big burden on my way. Because I don't need you, and I have no wish to busy myself with you."
"And what is left for me to do?" I asked already not him, but the space.
"That's your problems," - answered me "the space".
My problems!.. Yes, of course, I understand him perfectly!
"My problems!" hissed I. When I'm angry, or offended, or extremely upset, I never raise my voice, but begin to hiss violently and desperately. "How I'm going to hide myself from the people of the city, who know me and want to kill me – of course, these are my problems! How and where will I live and what will I eat – of course, these are my problems! And not yours at all!.."
Really, what waits me in this city? Certainly, not everyone knows me by sight, but the fact that there is no chase after me yet doesn't mean that people won't be looking for me soon. Even if I can hide somewhere in basements, in old deserted houses like this – how am I going to earn money? What am I going to eat? I will never live safely in this city. I can't go into the street in the daytime for fear of being recognized, and it's not safely to go into the street in the nighttime. And I can't live the life of the watchful, scared small animal, I know it. I will hardly endure this, so that once I will just go out towards those who are hunting for me – here I am, take me, do what you want, but I'm not your victim, I'm not an exhausted animal, I'm the proud mistress of this city, and I'm going to die with dignity…
Maybe – most likely – I will extremely regret it after I do it. But it will be so – or will die somewhere in a ditch because of hunger, cold or something else.
To go to another city? Alone? Don't scoff at me. To ask someone to give a lift? Whom? Who has a car? And who will help me?
What, what am I going to do!.. If he is so clever, this Wolf, so maybe he will tell me what to do!..
When he was listening to my words, there was bewilderment and a slight astonishment on his face, but they quickly disappeared.
"In that case, I mustn't have saved you."
Now his face was showing the greatest pleasure with himself, coldness and even some condescension to me in the same time, as though he prepared a caustic remark for his opponent long ago and now, finally, said his only one, but at the same time pejorative remark. I felt as though somebody was strangling me.
"You said a foul thing and is pleased with yourself, yes!.." hissed I in reply.
In that moment something on his face changed. I understood that he had made some decision for himself, and now he'll just turn away and leave me.
He really turned away.
"But only to the nearest city," snapped he out. "Wait for me here. I'll return soon."
Not troubling himself with going out of the door, he easily jumped over the window-sill of the nearest window – the pane was smashed a long ago – and disappeared. And we were on the second floor.
I couldn't control myself and came to the window. The cold seemed to be especially burning after the warm fireplace; there were no human footsteps below, under the window, on the pure white snow. No single footprint.
But right under the window began and led somewhere round the corner a row of large Wolf footprints.
It was the end of November, and the winter was already close on the heels of the autumn; there was a smell of waiting for the forthcoming cold weather, and of waiting for the winter, which will appear in two or three days, in the air. And there was a smell of the autumn in the air, of the fallen leaves and the last rain…
I hurried to the fireplace and leaned against its warm side. Right.
And I began to remember anything I could about my Wolf. From the moment I first saw him till the moment when he turned away, proudly giving in: "But only to the nearest city"… I remembered his face, his profile, his eyes, his figure, his movements, his clothes, his words, his voice – and soon it all began to interflow in my mind, as always, when we don't have enough information. As though there was no Wolf at all, just a phantom or my imagination… There was left only the sensation of a brutal strength, adroitness, flexibility, will, obstinacy, pride – yes, of course, pride - firmness of purpose… But what was the most important, he still saved me, my Wolf. It means he still thought he owes me…
It seems that I slumbered.
After some time he returned with food and warm fur coat, which he nearly flung me. Of course, I didn't ask where and how did he steal it, just nodded with gratitude and took the clothes, and then started eating. I received something indefinite – the taste seemed familiar and, even if I couldn't guess what exactly it was, I think, it was at least some human food. And the Wolf lounged with comfort on the sofa – with a predatory, dangerous grace – and ate something, that reminded me a piece of raw fresh meat… He sat sideways to me and wasn't looking at me at all, but I thought he wanted to show: here I am. And – look closer, girl – I'm eating raw fresh meat, and I like it very much, so think properly ten times before asking me. Of course, if there are any brains in your empty head to think…
"We are leaving tomorrow at dawn," said he as though he was talking not to me. It offended me again.
"Alliah," informed I coldly.
"Hm?" it seemed that he even was amazed a little.
"My name is Alliah," repeated I.
He answered nothing, and I even thought that he wouldn't introduce himself, but he finally unwillingly said: "Tsume…"
A good name for a Wolf, indeed.
The fire in the fireplace was fading little by little. I brought all rags from the nearest room I could to make myself a bed on the floor. After the supper my Wolf remained on the sofa.
"Good night," wished I.
"Hm," was my reply.
