Chapter III: Spring
He was sleeping. And I was sitting not far away from him on a cold floor and looking at him – when he'll wake up he'll forbid me to do this. Because when someone is staring at him "without a reason" it irritates him.
The desolate flat where Tsume took up his residence wasn't very good, but it wasn't very bad either. Of course, the furniture had been taken away by the previous owners, but there are water and heating, only gas and electricity were cut off because of the non-payment. On the outside the wind was extremely angry, I could see it through the panes which were safe and sound just by chance. Snowflakes were gingerly knocking at the panes from time to time, but no one exept them disturbed us – the flat was situated on the tenth floor, by the way…
Evidently Tsume likes height.
He was sleeping – Wolf's wounds are healing up much quicker when a Wolf is asleep. It took him several hours of relaxation under my fur coat to gather strength and roar at me, and then to reach his flat. But then he collapsed.
I don't know what love is. No, I'm saying this seriously, without coquetry and dodge – I don't know what it is, because books are good, but stories described in them can't be compared with reality, and even the authors admit it. The point is not that books lie; just all love stories are different…
I don't know what love is, but I know that when I'm thinking about Tsume or when I'm looking at him I feel like a steel, ruthless, cold spring begins to coil up in me. It is suffocating me, and it seems that I'm standing on a brink of an abyss. One step forward – and I'll fall…
Sometimes I want to cry. Maybe for Tsume, maybe for myself.
I don't know how to call it, but there, in that room, I couldn't think about anything or anyone exept Tsume. My thoughts were trying to escape, but they didn't find any exit and returned to the motionless figure of the Wolf with ashen hair over and over again. All of a sudden I decided to catch a breath of fresh air; I thought it would calm me a bit.
I carefully rose to my feet and went to the door.
"Where are you going?"
I didn't turn round – I didn't want him to see a smile at my face.
"I will return soon. I'll just go for a walk."
He didn't ask me anything else.
I decided not to go to the street. There was a big window in the common corridor on our tenth floor, and its panes were broken; I leaned against a wall near it. He past was left behind, and everything that happened more then five minutes before seemed to be a dream or a fantasy; the future was not clear, I couldn't see it well, like couldn't see the silhouettes of the mountains on the horizon well. I don't know whether it can be called happiness, but I have never expirienced such peace and confidence in my life before.
Tsume was getting better with every passing hour, and I didn't know what to do.
He is quick, my Tsume. I didn't see him for a weel, but he already found himself diggings, found lads who call him "boss", and he definitely wasn't starving. Tsume is quick and grasping as always… And I don't know anyone exept him in this city.
Ginny the Girl?
But I had to walk away, because I didn't want the Wolf to chase me away once again.
Tsume was much better – he stood up in his human form, cracked a window wide open and took a sit on a windowsill, looking at the sky. I stood up and went to the door; he casted a sidelong look at me, but didn't say anything.
I froze in the doorway and was silent too, and all my iron determination smouldered to ashes. I had to say I was leaving, but I didn't have the heart to say it.
"Don't stand there – you'll catch a cold."
I wasn't ready to hear such words from him and said my prepared cue:
"I'm going away."
"What!" he was so amused that even stopped to look at the sky and glanced at me. "Where are you going?"
I already opened my mouth to tell him about Ginny the Girl, but remembered the badge of her house of prostitution. I took it off while Tsume was asleep. I seemed to me that if Tsume understands I have tried to become a streetwalker…
I'd better pull my tongue out.
"I don't know," said I.
So I stayed with Tsume.
I spent the following days "at home" in Tsume's flat, not daring to go outside. I seemed to me that I will definitely meet Joke or Ginny the Girl If I go to the street. I understood it's unlikely going to happen but was still afraid.
I didn't know whether Ginny the Girl was still looking for me or already not.
Then Tsume dissapeared somewhere. He was absent for the whole evening and returned only at two a.m.; he brought food, money and some new clothes for me, because I was looking "like a tramp", as he said.
Well, he was right.
That night I threw the badge out of the window when Tsume was asleep.
I think he surmised. Or simply knew…
By the way, we are sleeping in the different corners of the room.
He routinely went hunting into the nearest forest. I know he eats mainly there; at least, scared citizens told that bloodstained remains of animals gnawed by a predator were found in the forest many a time. I just shrugged my shoulders when I heard that.
Well, he is a wild beast after all…
And I prefer to eat food I buy in the market, because Tsume brings quite a lot of money. I guessed where does the money come from already when I heard about a daring attack of some gang against a cart of the nobleman. Of course, it could be any gang, but…
That night Tsume came home at three a.m., and I couldn't sleep and was waiting for him. He returned a bit tired, but pleased with his life and himself beyond all measure, and we talked to each other till dawn.
It is rumored that a new criminal group which appeared not long ago and already begun to press the others. People say that its leader is incredibly strong, adroit and quick, and its useless to measure oneself against him, and bullets don't injure him. He can also make his appearance as though from nowhere and dissapear, and even jump unbelievably high. When I looked at Tsume with reproach, he made his favourite half-contemptuous half-haughty expression and turned aside, and then jumped on his favourite window sill and stretched himself to his full height. But contempt and haughtiness vanished and changed into pride.
My proud Tsume always used people – or at least he says this. I know that he is a leader of a gang which perpetrated risky robbing and forays… He says he needs danger to feel himself alive. But he can run the danger alone… And of course he don't need any money and anything from the things they take.
However, citizens say that the leader of this gang is harsh, but he values his people and does not abandon them. Well, it's like Tsume: if good dog-owners care for their dogs, Tsume as a good people-owner cares for his people.
I think he just needed something like a pack, where he is a leader. Maybe a poor, human pack, but still a pack where his word is a law, where he is an authority. Where he is respected, even if by people…
My Tsume would rather die then admit it – if this is true, of course. And I will never fond out whether it is true or not because he won't tell this himself, and even if he tells, then it certainly won't be the truth, and if I express him my view on this he most likely will feel upset…
I don't want to upset him.
So two weeks passed by.
Tsume and I were sleeping in the different corners of the room as before. However, I can't say it made me glad or upset. I just thought that it can't be otherwise.
I was not afraid of going outside anymore. Ordinary sitizens tried to avoid me because I look as though I'm one of a gang (well, that's almost true), and I avoided them because I felt myself alien to them. It felt like we were different species.
After two weeks passed I understood that I'm tired. In our family – if Tsume and me could be called a family – Tsume was definitely "the head", and I was supported by him. My pride and ambition were hurt.
I was lucky today – I found a one-day job.
The owner of the small restaurant where I washed the floor looked at me as though she was afraid that I'm just about to whip out a pistol and rob her. I earned not much money, but I still was proud with myself. And it was wery pleasant to have money I earned. I spent them very woman-like: I bought a simple vase in a store that I saw on my way home. It reminded me of a big beautiful china vase which stood once in my palace… Anyway, it doesn't matter.
But it was made from lusterless white glass painted with tender exposed violet flowers…
I put it on a night table which was bought a week ago at my desire, in spite of eloquent snorting of my Wolf.
When a leader came, my naive attempt to decorate our dwelling didn't escape him; he jumped up on a window-sill and took an interest in my purchase.
"What is it!"
I was agree with his tone of voice: my vase looked naive in this room, but still…
"I bought it," answered I, and then hissed for some reason: "I earned money myself and bought it!"
Suspicion appeared in a gaze of two golden eyes, and I immediately felt myself uncomfortable.
"Earned? How?"
I began to feel angry because he arouse a sence of guilt in me, and I didn't understand what am I guilty of.
"I washed floor and tables at the restaurant… What's with you?" added I, totally confused.
"Don't dare to!" snapped my Wolf out.
"But… Why!"
"Do not dare to work for human!" bellowed Tsume. "Do you hear me? Only dogs are working for human!"
By the look on his face I understood that it isn't all the same for him, that the fact I washed the floor extremely wounded his pride and ambition, but…
"…but why!"
"Because I said so!" he grasped the innocent vase and threw it with all his might on the floor. The last piece of recollection about my past life broke to pieces, exploded like firework before my very eyes, and I made a step backwards, frightened.
My Wolf leaped down of a window-sill and suddenly we were face to face. For the first time I looked into his eyes at such a short distance.
No. Do not look predators straight in their eyes. They consider it like an aggression, they…
"Don't dare to – never!"
Do not look predators straight in their eyes…
In the next moment Tsume was already kissing me, clasping me to his lissome strong predator's body.
Tsume turned on the other side in his sleep. I think he dreamt about something.
The air in the room was fresh and cool, because none of us closed the window in the evening, but I began to freeze and stood up.
Shut the window.
The spring was already beginning outside; at least, the was a smell of spring in the air. It smelled of thaw, water from melted snow, waiting for the first flowers and summer.
And what about the fur coat, in which Tsume and I still covered ourselves at nights, it have already served its time and we'll have to throw it away. We have enough money to buy a lot of fur coats, but I will feel sorry for this one.
My Wolf was sleeping – I like to watch him in his sleep.
I call him "my Wolf" only secretly, of course; if he knows about it, he'll probably be offended. He treats human with condescension, but he has no respect for Wolfs who had forgotten their Wolfs dignity and live like dogs.
Strange as it may seem, Tsume is quite touchy, but he extremely doesn't like to show it. Some say that's because he's proud and ambitious; he's really proud, and what about ambition… In any case, if he's ambitious, he has a reason to be so (he has a reason – not an excuse!).
He is strong, strong of mind and strong-willed; he is clever, and his mind is versatile. He is honest with himself and, sometimes, with the others. Strange as it may seem, he is high-minded and good, though Tsume will definitely disown these qualities in himself if you ask him. His goodness is not the one which forgives everyone and makes him help all the needy, but it doesn't allow him to leave the girl alone in the middle of endless snow, although she is a burden.
I noticed many times that my Wolf wants to look harsher, pitiless as he is, but I think he is already a great leader. A leader of a pack if you will.
Strong, unbending Tsume – but, nevertheless, sometimes he is so vulnerable.
Interestingly, did he have any women before me?
She-Wolves? Tsume – and she-Wolves... I was convulsed with this thought for the first time, but then I remembered that she-Wolves have human forms too. I was none the better for it.
In the darkness of the room sparkled a pair of animal golden eyes. Human's eyes do not sparkle in the darkness.
"Aren't sleeping?"
"No. I admire the scenery," I pointed at the dead trees on the outside.
Tsume snorted: he already had understood I was looking at him, and I understood, that he understood… But each of us has his eccentricities: I refuse to admit I like to watch him in his sleep, and he doesn't want to admit… Many things.
But it isn't very important, because I just know many such "things". For example, I know that it's very nessesary for him to be important to someone, to know that someone needs him. Though, if you ask Tsume, he'll say he's all-sufficient and doesn't need anyone.
He stretched himself and moved the fur coat aside: he is warm almost always and doesn't like blankets or even beds. He has a beautiful, swarthy, lissom body of a predator and strong hands, and if he clasps me to himself, he'll do this firmly and this will last for long. Tsume is a maximalist.
I left my observation post near the window and came to him; his golden eyes were mysteriously sparkling in the darkness, and I knew he was smiling with satisfaction, because he is the real Wolf. He has a diggings with the view of his territory, a pack, in which he's the undoubted leader, ans he has a life which he really likes. He even has a she-Wolf, who isn't exactly a she-Wolf, but evidently he is satisfied.
Tsume had been sleeping: his rapacious body is relaxed, and his heart was peacefully and slowly beating opposite mine.
Sometimes I think I am the one on the planet who has a Wolf. Even if he doesn't think he's mine…
I still do not know many things about him.
I don't know what left that scar on his chest. I think my Tsume is proud of it, or else he would hide it under his clothes… Maybe he got this scar in a fight with another Wolf, when they were struggling for the right to be a leader in a pack? Or when he was hunting for the first time? Sometimes I extremely want to know this, it seems that this is wery important for me… But I never asked tsume. I know he'll never tell me this himself. I like to touch this scar, and Tsume… Who can say what Tsume likes? Sometimes he winces, but doesn't put my arms away. Sometimes he just ignores me. And once he nearly bared his teeth and ordered me not to do this anymore. Never.
I broke this command the next night and Tsume said nothing, so I think he likes it nevertheless. But he'll never admit it.
He'll never…
He'll never tell me about his failures.
He'll never confess to me that once he held the opinion which seems stupid for him now. And even if he coffesses he will do this forcing himself. But he'll look so touchingly in that moment, that I'll want to embrace him and to bury my face in his ashen hair. Or at least stroke him.
But he'll proudly avoid me hand. Of course, he'll avoid it.
I wonder whether he confesses to himself he needs me (if he ever needs me at all)?
I don't know. I don't know…
Yes, I still do not know many things about him, about my Tsume. About my Wolf.
But I can be proud that I tamed him. Let people say Wolves are wild animals, and no matter how you love and caress a Wolf, he'll still be dreaming about forest and hunting. But if a Wolf had walked out of the savage forest for you, if he stayed with you for a minute, when he could have been running on the forest grass wet with dew… Can't you say you already tamed him a little, just a little bit?
But there is a question, that ask myself especially often. I ask myself because it's useless to ask Tsume; the reason is not the fact that he won't answer, no – but Tsume just doesn't know the answer himself.
Who are Wolves – are they more human that animals? Or even so: is Tsume more a human or an animal?
But who can measure "human" and "animal" parts in us?
I can't imagine…
Sometimes when I see Tsume amongst his two forms, the human one and the Wolf's one, I feel like I'm just about to understand what the matter is. But I still don't understand this. Tsume likes to balance on the verge: Wolf-human, life-death… I think that's why he likes morns and evenings (frontier time between day and night) and likes to seat on the windowsill of the tenth floor.
But I'm asking myself another questions lately. How do Wolves give birth to their children? How long the pregnancy lasts? In which form – human's or not – little Wolves are born? And how are they brought up? And who can be born if a father is a Wolf, but the mother of the child is human? And is it even possible for such a couple to have children?
It is spring now, and it smells of the first rain, and of the young leafage, and of the waiting for the forthcoming summer.
No, fortunately I'm not pregnant. But I think Tsume and I will find answeres for these questions sooner or later.
To SilverGhostKitsune: Arigato. Well, you know, when the idea of describing a relationship between Tsume and some young woman came into my mind, I didn't even think that she can be a Wolf. I don't know how to explain it, but… Well, a Wolf-woman will jump as easy and as high as Tsume, will fight as well as him, will be able to live and hunt on her own, she will be independent and a person on her own… (And she has to think that Wolves are kind of superior beings to humans, I suppose. Oh, yes, she will also be a little rough like Tsume and will parry his words in his own style.) But why will she and Tsume need each other then? They will be equal. What about Alliah… Tsume's pride is hurt by the thought that a human saved him, but his pride also doesn't allow him to go away without paying back, first of all because he knows that Alliah is actually helpless. He despises humans (or at least he is sure that he despises humans), but he wants to be needed by someone weak, he wants to protect someone. And there is no reason for Tsume to protect someone who isn't weak and doesn't need protection like a woman-Wolf. And a woman-Wolf will say that Tsume is strong, smart, sexy… It's true of course, but I'm afraid only Alliah will understand that Tsume is touchy and vulnerable, and only she will understand that he needs tenderness. It's hard to explain, but… Have you ever seen a big (and really dangerous) dog and a little kitten which plays with its tail? Something like this.
