First time writing something in here, let see how it goes. English is not my first language so not be surprised if there are some grammatical errors. Don't doubt in make know if you found any.

Let's get this show on the road.

This fic is also available in the NSFW Creative Writing section of Questionable Questing.

Content Warning: Explicit violence, sex, drugs, slurs, offensive words, and some bad jokes. The usual in The Witcher.


A Stranded Cat I

The fading sunlight of the afternoon illuminated the countryside of Toussaint, a gentle and rare summer breeze refreshing the farmers in the vineyards that were cultivating and preparing the grapes for the coming festivities. Alongside the wind also came a rider and his pale horse walking through the dusty road, his brown cape hiding his figure from the curious gaze of the farmers who are not accustomed to the appearance of strangers in this part of the Duchy.

Sure as hell that is how it would have been described by some of these corny Nilfgaardian writers that used to sell their shitty novels in the City of Golden Towers. Now talking seriously, this scene I am in now is very nostalgic to me given how decades ago I was one of these "grape strokers", seeing in awe a mysterious and cool stranger in a horse that appeared on the road, but now I am the one who is watched in curiosity by these peasants.

I decide to ignore them and scan with my catlike eyes the whole vineyard, searching for the place where I am supposed to meet with my client. I have to admit this damn vineyard of hell hasn't changed ever since I left it eighty years ago, heck there is still intact the old barn where my mother gave birth to me and we both lived during my first 4 years of life.

Then she died of catriona and despite what some of these epic chivalrous novels would tell you, being the bastard son of a member of the Ducal Honor Guard didn't mean that after mother's death my "father" would appear in his white horse and rescue me of this peasant life, teaching me how to be a knight under the service of the Duke. That cocksucker never showed up before and sure as hell didn't show up then, and to make matters worse the owner of the vineyard made it clear that this was not a charity to the orphans, so if I didn't want my sorry ass in the street I have to work the grapes. I was 6 years old and had the callused hands of a seasoned farmer.

"Keep collecting that grapes kiddo and pray that they are of good quality unless you want to become a beggar in the streets" I remember the bastard used to say, speaking of him I see the big house where he and his family used to live at the distance, and curiously is also the place where my client is, according to the job description in the notice board.

I wonder who is in charge now? Maybe his grandson?

I just hope that whoever it is, it will not be a pain in the ass like that son of bitch. Maybe I should check where he was buried, so I can piss on his tomb ho ho ho, and I can also open his grave and use Igni in his dead ass face. Maybe I should visit "fathers" tomb too and give him the same treatment.

But I get that tempting idea out of my mind, mainly because it would give me problems with the Ducal Guard…


...

Again.

The Duchess promised me that her husband would not know that I am better fucking her pussy than him…. Sigh. The Duke calling for my dick being cut in the public square while chasing me like a hungry drowner with his guards was a bit of an overreaction.

Well, that was more than a decade ago, so I hope nobody remembers me. Just in case, I have avoided going to Beauclair and stick to the small towns only. That's why I am also using a brown cape that covers my armor and body, hoping that the hood in it stops one of these farmers from recognizing me as the Duchess' ex-lover.

Not regretting tasting that sexy woman's ass, mind you.

I approach the entrance of the building, where there is a place for parking horses outside. I leave my pale mare there, dismounting her while I stroke her head.

"Okay Llenesa, I'm going to see these fancy people and I will back" I told her.

I have to say I am still on the fence about giving a horse my mother's name was a good idea, some people would call it a bit tasteless, I guess.

Then again, it is not like I'm calling my horse something like "Ant" or "Cockroach", which would be very disrespectful to my main form of mobilization and technically the only companion I have in the Path.

At the entrance of the house, two people come to receive me. It seems the mysterious horseman act made some peasants be on alert and give notice to whoever is in charge of my arrival. The first one is a middle-aged woman (she looks a 6 of 10 gotta say, very saggy tits but some fine hips) with brown hair in a green formal dress that is very out of place in this rural setting, she looks a bit surprised at seeing my eyes but then changes her expression for a relieved one. Alongside her is some kind of attempt of a personal guard AKA a lame peasant with a sheathed sword on his hip and a clean face (shocking, I know). Both walk to me.

The peasant with dreams of playing knight takes an extra step toward me with an annoyed face, his hand close to his sheath. Trying to play tough guy with a witcher, huh? did he have some kind of mental retardation to try something so stupid?

"State your business, mutant" Sigh

Can you at least be more original with your slurs? Cat inbred is my favorite one.

Before I can answer such a nice individual, the brown-haired woman puts a hand on his shoulder

"Come on, Luco, why do you treat like that this mister who very kindly took our call for help?" She says making her "pet" take a more relaxed posture, she smiles at me, puts a hand on her chest, and offers me a little nod.

"Greetings master witcher, I am Conlalle Dirtargel, owner of this vineyard. I assume you are here for the job that we put on the notice board?" She gives me another smile.

Dirtagel, huh? So, she is related to that old bastard.

"What other reason would I be here? The wines in this place are not exactly that good to warrant gastronomic tourism" I offer with honesty, but it seems not everyone was ready for my winemaking critique.

"The fuck did you say, you damn mu- !"

"Luco stop" Conlalle says again with severity, offering a scolding gaze to her peasant, who just decides to avert his gaze and mutter things that are not exactly happy wishes to my being and didn't want to hear.

The downsides of having enhanced senses.

"While I am sad to hear our products are not of your liking, I'm still glad to know that you answered our call for help" She offers me another polite smile. "But it's clear that you desire to go straight to business, so please follow me inside, master witcher, so we can discuss the details of the job" She turns around and approaches the door, which is quickly opened up by Luco, allowing his boss to enter, me following her.

We enter a glamorous living room, which has in its center a round table made of some luxurious wood (that I probably would have to hunt one hundred Fiends to make at least a stick of it) and some five pompous looking chairs around it. The ceiling has a circular glass with wine and grape motifs.

What the fuck is with this money display? Are the wines here that good? I shrug that kind of thought; nothing beats some Redanian lager, that's for sure.

Conlalle takes a seat in one of the chairs and invites me with her hands to take a seat too. I take her offer, I mean, not every day I can sit my ass on expensive things.

"Luco, be a dear and bring us some wine for our guest" She says while the servant gives a short bow and leaves the room.

Good, I was getting tired of his eyes shooting daggers at my head.

"I think I said I'm not very fond of the wine that is made here, Conlalle Dirtargel" I say annoyed while taking out my hood, showing my short black hair, stubble, amber catlike eyes, and a horizontal scar under my left eye to her.

"Oh come on master witcher, I can assure you that whatever you drank of this vineyard in the past doesn't compare to the actual product we are making now" she says nonchalantly. "Besides, we have plenty to discuss, so we better get comfortable".

I just roll my eyes, it seems the monster stalking this vineyard wasn't a major concern to this woman if she can't be bothered to be worried about it. Rich people care more about sniffing their assholes than what happens with some uncultured peasants, not a surprise there.

"Well if we are going to do that, then you can start by giving me the details right away" I show her the paper that was on the notice board "because "monster harassing farmers, please help" doesn't offer me much insight into what I'm dealing with, and I don't want any fucking surprises in my soup if you catch what I mean".

She nods and puts a serious expression, making clear she is going to tell me what this job is about.

"Very well, it all started two weeks ago when some farmers at the outskirts of the vineyard, in the part that borders the forest, started to disappear. In the beginning, we thought that they had just run away from their jobs, but after the fifth disappearance and pressure of some of the farmers, I decided to put some guards in the zone" We are interrupted by Luco who came with a bottle of wine and two glasses, he expertly serves the beverage to me and his mistress, before offering a gentle bow and leaves the room.

With a devilish smirk.

Sigh

I quickly change my glass with Conlalle´s under her surprised gaze "I don't trust your servant to serve me a clean or unaltered glass and I sure as hell don't want to discover what he did to it". In the best-case scenario he spat on it, worst-case scenario he imagined that my glass was some maiden pussy. She offers me a nod and looks angry at the door where Luco left.

"Seems I would have to punish him later" She sighs and continues with her story "Like I was saying, I put some guards in the place of the disappearances and for a few days nothing happened, but my relief was short-lived when two nights ago, one of the guards came injured, and told me other two guards were kidnapped by some kind of beast" She says disturbingly calmly.

"Did he give you a description of it?" I ask her, she shakes her head.

"No, it was nighttime when the monster attacked, the only thing that he noticed was the big claws in its hands"

Big claws in its hands? That doesn't narrow it much. It could be a leshen, a bear, or something worse.

"Was the creature bipedal or quadruped?" I ask, hoping to pinpoint better what kind of monster I'm dealing with.

"I think it was bipedal, like I said it was very dark, so the guard couldn't give the beast a good look" I put my hand on my chin thinking about the possibilities of what it could be.

Leshen, Vampire, Drowner…. that last one would be very anticlimactic.

"Welp, I think discussing more here would be a waste of time, better to go at the place of the attack and investigate from there, pretty sure I can find some trace and follow it to the monster hideout" I say, before giving her a greedy look "Now, more importantly, how much money are you willing to pay for this, Conlalle Dirtargel?".

She gives me a sultry look "Oh my sure is true that the greed of a witcher knows no limits" then raises two fingers of her hands "I'm pretty sure 20 florens would satisfy you" a polite smile adorning her face.

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah, I'm not accepting that bullshit, even less when fighting an unknown monster.

"You think I would risk my life facing a mysterious monster for a quantity that a beggar could surpass?" I say to her, narrowing my eyes, she just keeps her polite smile that slowly is making me a little annoyed.

"Master witcher, you should understand that I can't waste a lot of florens in such a little problem." She gives me a pleading look with her polite smile.

"I was sure you would care much more for what is happening to your workforce" She rolls her eyes.

"I only lost two guards and five workers so far over two weeks, and the grapes are untouched so it is not a great loss, I'm not desperate" She gives me the annoying polite smile again.

This bitch.

If you want to dismiss the death of your servants, at least don't use it as an excuse to not give me money!

"Look Conlalle Dirtargel, you could think now this is no big deal, but eventually this monster is going to want to go deeper looking for more humans to eat, I'm pretty sure then more workers will be killed, and your entire wine production would turn to shit" I say while standing up with a very annoyed face.

She just keeps smiling, unaffected.

Sigh

"And the grapes could be damaged" I say, and her eyes shiver a little in response.

"Well I would not like my precious grapes and wine to suffer Mmmhm" She starts to think before looking at me with a wide smile "Well, eventually other witchers more desperate for work could take this job, but I can offer you 60 florens if you are with the disposition to take care of this monster right away".

You could offer much more, stingy bitch! These chairs and table are proof of that!

"85" I give my counteroffer.

"Oh master witcher I think you are being a little full of yourself like I said pretty sure other people willing to do it for less than 60 florens would appear, so this is my final offer" Conlalle says with finality while giving me a subtle grin.

Guess she really inherited the bastard aspect of the Dirtargels, just in a more subtle way.

But there weren't many jobs in Toussaint right now, I would have to abandon the region and head north to look for more rewarding jobs, but that would take some time that I could better use in winning money. Also, 60 florens aren't that bad….. ugh, guess I'm a little desperate.

"Fine, I would do it for 60 shitty florens, hope you are happy" I said, tired and wanting to finish with this as soon as possible.

She smiles and claps her hand "Wonderful master witcher, I wish you success in this endeavor, once you bring me proof that the monster was slain you will be paid" She points out at the unaltered glass "Now, while my servant actions didn't let us share a toast I still wish that you to prove our wine, I can assure you it would satisfy your refined palate".

I doubt it, but whatever, I take the glass and in one gulp drink the wine.

Conlalle looks at me expectantly, she appears to be more interested in my opinion of her wine than in me killing the monster, fucking weird grape lovers. As always, I'm going to be honest.

"It is better than the wine in the past, but still doesn't surpass the delicious Redanian lager" Her smile constrains a little and she nods. Ha! Finally, I hurt you bitch.

"It's good to know our product is becoming better, and with you saving my poor little grapes from this evil monster I'm sure it could become even better" She says with hope in her voice. I just nod, annoyed.

I don't give fuck what happens with this vineyard in the future, and less if it's the one where I suffered as a kid and its owner is not the kind who pays well the people that are saving her business. It is clear I'm not going to stay to prove more of this lame wine.

Sigh

60 florens and a shitty drink in exchange for facing the unknown, and she gets away with her stupid polite smile and dismissal of the suffering of her workers. I'm pretty sure even her dead familiars receive more money and tributes than me or her servants.

.

An idea comes to my mind.


After leaving the house and taking a rest stop I finally arrive at the place where the monster attacks had taken place, man these vineyards are big. I dismount Llenesa and start to scan the sector for clues.

There is nothing really remarkable at first glance, just a bunch of grapevines unattended (Conlalle would kill herself if she sees that) but then of course I'm not some simple human.

My nose catches a weak essence, of human blood, between the trees. Clearly, this beast takes advantage that this part of the vineyard is close to the forest to stalk for prey between the dense vegetation, ambushing the unsuspecting humans.

This essence should be of the guards that were kidnapped by the monster, it seems they were also injured.

Nighttime is slowly starting while the last rays of sunlight fade in the horizon, but my witcher senses see as clear as if it was noon the trail of blood essence going up between the trees. And it looks like it goes a large distance.

I quickly mount Llenesa and with a shout, she gallops quickly between the trees. My natural night vision allows me to direct my mare in the right way. The essence becomes strong, leading me to the foot of a small mountain. Luckily, there is a trail where I can climb with Llenesa and get to the entrance of a cave.

Where the essence dives right into it.

Fuck my life

I will have to fight the beast on its turf? Typical, just typical.

I dismount my pale mare, noticing that where we are one could see the entire vineyard, illuminated by the light of a bright moon.

"Such a nice night to be bathed in blood, don't you think girl?" I ask Llenesa while I stroke her head, she neighs in happiness. "Be a good mare and wait right here, I have some abomination to beat the shit out of it".

I take off my brown cape and put it in a satchel that is on a side of Llenesa mount. Under the bright moon, I stand in the front of the cave, my Enhanced Legendary Feline armor looking very nice under the moonlight. Two swords and a crossbow on my back finish my look.

Hell, this ambiance is making me have corny thoughts like one of these Nilfgaardian writers.

I caress my cat medallion and took a deep breath.

Give me luck master, cause my time to end my Path hasn't come yet.

And I enter right into the cave.

The humidity of this dark corridor envelops my being. I consider using a torch, but then again that could alert the beast, so I pray that my night vision is enough, for now, it seems it doesn't give me problems with this darkness.

Some meters in and already notice something weird: A wood structure, very rudimentary design and unfinished, it is clear something intelligent lives here.

Please be some gnomes turn feral, or even better some succubus, I haven't visited a brothel in months.

But my fantasies of this job ending up in me having my dick sucked by some sexy demon are interrupted by some not-so-sexy whimpering. The cave corridor gives a turn to the left, which allows me to peek at what is around the corner. I unsheathe Koszmar, my Mastercrafted Feline silver sword, just in case the whimpering is some kind of trap.

Looking through the corner I just see some armed peasant with some gash in his leather armored chest, three claw marks bleeding out like waterfalls in his face and a broken leg with a little of the femur showing its white texture outside the flesh. He is sitting on the wall of the cave, whimpering in pain, with a broken lamp barely illuminating him.

Guess is not a succubus. For fuck's sake.

I sheath my sword and approach the broken man, it seems he is one of the guards the beast kidnapped. Conlalle sure loves to give some peasant a sword and calling it a guard, no wonder the security is so shitty if Luco is the standard in that vineyard.

The feeble attempt of a guard looks at me scared but doesn't say anything besides whimpering. Well, not calling me a natural freak gives him some props in my book, so I take some straps of his destroyed armor and I take a little of the wood lying around that was used to construct the structures to make some very rudimentary tourniquet. He grunts in pain when I stabilized his broken leg and put the femur inside his body.

Then I put one of his hands in his face, making it clear that he should keep the injury on his face pressed.

"Shame that swallow could destroy your organs in the state you are in, giving you that potion would make this much easier" I said looking at him. The peasant just stares at me in pain before opening his mouth.

"…Wa-Water" he pleads.

Guess I can give him that. I take a vial with water from my bag hanging on the right side of my belt. I generally use it to make some potions, but this is an emergency.

He takes the vial desperately and desperately takes its content, finishing it in one second.

I crouch so we are at eye level.

"Guess I don't have to explain what I'm doing here?" He nods painfully at my question.

"Good, tell me how many monsters are up ahead and what kind it is"

"Its-It's just o-one" he struggles to say "va-vampire"

"Shit" I say out loud. This is not good. I only have one vial of Black Blood left, and that is kind of necessary when dealing with these bloodsuckers.

"He-He is making some-something in the ca-cave" The peasant says motioning with his eyes into the corridor, "Some kind of-of spell" He stutters.

Well, isn't that great? A sorcerer vampire, just what I fucking needed. That means it has to be one of a higher grade.

Sigh

This is Toussaint for fuck's sake, the higher problem in this place should have been those pesky giant centipedes, not this kind of shit.

"Look, I already stabilized your leg and as long as you keep one of your hands in your face, it's not going to bleed out too much" I say, making sure he is aware of the situation we are in. "Now, I'm going to go forward and kill the vampire, so stay here and not be a nuisance while I fight it" I say looking him in the eyes.

He nods, shaking. Good, the last thing I need has to babysit some grape groper in agony with dreams of knighthood when dealing with some batfucker.

I stand up and start to walk deeper into the cave, but then the peasant talks, making me stop in my walk.

"If you-you fail, what-what it will ha-happen to me?" He asks with fear.

I turn my head to him, my catlike eyes shining in the dark looking at him, he shivers in response.

Like always, better to be honest.

"Then you would be fucked, I doubt they're going to send more people here soon" I start walking again into the corridor "So wish me luck"

I keep walking, not hearing the response of the peasant.

I pass some more broken and unfinished wooden structures before I notice some weird dim green light up ahead, I unsheathe Koszmar and slowly walk towards the light, arriving into a big space in the cave; it's wide but also has some height, with stalactites in the ceiling and once again this weird wooden structures, but now they were forming a circle and in the center of it, a green rune glowing, the light pulsating weirdly. My cat medallion trembles in its presence.

That's weird, higher grades of vampires can't be detected with a witcher medallion.

The only explanation is that the rune is slowly stockpiling magic, lots of magic, enough to make the medallion react.

Sadly, I couldn't appreciate this work of wizardry more because a voice echoed over the cave.

"WELL, WELL, WELL, A WITCHER HAS COME, JUST IN TIME FOR DINNER" Says the male and raspy voice. I try to use my enhanced hearing to pinpoint his origin. I detect movement through the stalactites, but it is not clear enough to have a specific location.

I firmly grip Koszmar, its Chernobog, Stribog, and Svarog runes inscribed over its silver surface glow with strength. If I want this fucker to come and play rude instead of "hide-and-seek" I have to bait him.

Thankfully, most vampires have big egos, only surpassed by royalty and elves.

"Well, people told me some ugly bat faggot was behaving badly, so they ask me to give him an ass whopping he would never forget" I said sarcastically.

"YOU DARE TO INSULT ME MUTANT? YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A BUG AGAINST ME AND ONCE I ACCOMPLISH MY OBJECTIVE NOT EVEN A TRACE OF YOUR CONTAMINATED BLOOD WILL REMAIN"

Seems his ego is more fragile than I thought, but I still can't pinpoint his location.

"What objective? Putting a light show, so people can see your ugly face when they go to this cave? Because let me tell you something, that big rune here is not going to stop you from being a bloodsucker bat inbred".

"CLEARLY YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DEALING WITH, THIS RUNE IS A PORTAL SPELL THAT TOOK DAYS TO MADE, AND ONCE IT'S READY, IT WILL OPEN A PORTAL TO MY WORLD" I open my eyes wide at that declaration.

Since when can these fuckers do this unicorn shit? This is bad.

Then of course he also has to paint a target on his back by killing people, as clearly he was only smart in spellcraft.

"If you wanted to go back to your home you could have done it in peace if you haven't killed these people, you retarded vampire" I say annoyed, I wasn't even trying to bait him this time, I actually wanted to know why he was so stupid to not try to maintain a low profile in this big plan of his.

"RETURN? SILLY HUMAN, I DON'T WANT TO RETURN TO MY HOME, I AM GOING TO USE THE PORTAL TO BRING A BIG ARMY OF MY RACE TO THIS WORLD AND CONQUER IT, YOUR RACE WOULD BECOME NO MORE THAT CATTLE, JUST LIKE THE ONES I KILLED TO SUSTAIN MYSELF WHILE PREPARING THIS SPELL'' He says maliciously, and after that declaration, the head of the other disappeared guard falls off the ceiling, his face just a bunch of destroyed meat. Now my eyes are even more open.

FUCK

FUCK

FUCK

For fuck's sake, this was supposed to be a simple job to solve the problem of a bitch winemaker with saggy tits, not a mission to save the world.

AND SHE WANTED TO PAY ME 60 SHITTY FLORENS FOR THIS FUCK UP SITUATION? This makes me feel even better for what I did during my rest stop before arriving at this cave.

"FEELING SCARED HUMAN? HEHEHEHE, BUT DON'T WORRY, I, THE BIG STRAXA IS GOING TO HAVE MERCY AND QUICKLY KILL YOU SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO SEE YOUR RACE BECOME SLAVES OF US, THE GREAT VAMPI-" The vampire keep saying but, to be honest, I care more about how I'm going to prove to that bitch that I stopped an interdimensional invasion, and more importantly how much I would charge for that kind of thing.

Maybe I could ask for 100 florens and a titjob? Not a fan of saggy tits but it is better than nothing and more considering I'm going to save this world. Shame I can't visit the Duchess, if she knew what I'm going to do she would be sucking my cock like it was the last droplet of water in the world in gratitude.

Heh, she was such a slut in the be-

"ARE YOU EVEN PAYING ATTENTION?" Suddenly, the vampires fall from the ceiling in front of me, putting the circle with wood structures and the rune behind him, seems he was angrier at me ignoring his villain theatrics that me calling him names "YOU CANNOT IGNORE THE GREAT STRAXA" He says with his massive ego.

Now that I can look at him, I can see he is a Katakan, which I always have the theory is what happens if you make a Foglet and a bat had sex, and of the violent kind.

This is going to be a hard fight, but he is not a Higher Vampire, which means he is killable.

And that's all I need.

"YOU WEAKLINGS SHOULD BE GRATE- Whatever egomaniac thing he wanted to say I interrupt it when I use Aard in his face, sending his ass flying through one of these wooden structures, which liberated green lighting upon its destruction.

The rune in the center also started to pulsate faster and make some very uncomfortable sounds after that wooden structure was destroyed.

Uhhhh it is supposed to do that?

"YOU BASTARD, YOU FUCK IT UP THE SPELL, IM GOING TO RIP YOUR TROATH "Says the Katakan with anger while getting back up, suddenly turning invisible.

Shit

I put myself in guard with my sword, the green light of the rune making its silver surface shine, my senses start to work in overdrive trying to catch the location of this fucker. I smirk a little, guess I would have to bait him again.

"Bring it on, bloodsucker"

I fell wind being cut at my left.

I move and parry the invisible claw with Koszmar, and then I roll to dodge another claw swipe of the vampire. I point my sword at the last point where I felt the beast, making some distance, and start to concentrate again to locate him.

The rune in the ground is still liberating pulsations and making weird sounds.

I fell a foot against the ground, 2 meters to my right.

There.

A quickly took a Moon Dust bomb from my bag and throw it to my right. The explosion of dust engulfing the monster, his invisibility being turned off against his will, smoke comes off his skin as the silver splinters of the bomb prevent him from changing his body. The vampire was stunned for a few seconds before snarling at me.

"No more hiding around like a pussy, heh batfucker?" I say, pointing Koszmar at him, the Katakan liberates a deafening scream and jumps at me, claws at the ready.

I parry the first two strikes before I started to dodge a never-ending series of claw swipes. Thankfully, if there is something the members of the School of The Cat surpass other Witcher Schools is in the agility department, and being capable of constantly dodging and parry attack is a minimum requirement to the members of the School.

Of course, even if a witcher's physical capabilities are superior to a normal human it has its limits, and even to someone like me constantly dodging and parrying a furious Katakan trashing his arms like a madman could be a little tiring.

Thankfully, swordsmanship is one of a witcher's many talents.

I just need an opening.

The Katakan raises his two claws looking to make a double vertical swipe, but with just a motion of my hand, I cast Axii, the sign rune appearing right in front of his face.

The vampire gets stunned for a few seconds, enough time to strike with Koszmar his belly, making a deep and long cut in it, part of his intestines come out of the wound, blood, and guts splattering in the ground. Before he can react, I quickly took a second swing with my silver sword, cutting off his right arm in the elbow.

Then I go for the head, but the Katakan snaps out of it and also decides to grow a brain, jumping back to avoid my strike instead of keep fighting in a feral way. His sudden dodge put me in a vulnerable spot, my missing swing leaving me defenseless.

Of course, the fucking vampire took advantage of that.

He jumps at me with his superhuman strength, using his only arm to take a left swing, slashing my right shoulder and sending me flying, crashing right into another of the wooden structures, which makes the green rune in the ground start to pulsate even faster, at least three pulsations by second.

"FOR FUCK SAKE! THE UNSEEN ELDER WOULD HAVE BEING HAPPY IF THE PORTAL SPELL WORKED, NOW IS A USELESS GATE" Cries the Katakan, his guts hanging from his open belly, meanwhile I stand up.

Ouch, it seems his claw managed to make two deep gashes in my right shoulder, the same shoulder that crashed against the wooden structure and the ground. If It isn't for my witcher physiology, I'm pretty sure it would be broken.

I admit I was a little cocky and should have used Quen before the fight, but I was so close to killing him it would have been unnecessary.

Anyways, is it not useful to waste time thinking in "what if?" I cast Quen in my body and face the vampire. His right arm and belly slowly regenerating, it would have been faster but the silver shards in the Moon Dust bomb and the silver of Koszmar slow his regeneration considerably, it would take an hour for him to fully heal

I'm not going to give him that.

"Seems you will have to live your life as a pathetic one-armed bat in a cave" I say in a mocking tone, slowly putting a hand on my back. The vampire screams.

"SHUT UUUUUUUUUUP!"

And once again jumps, his left arm ready

But I am ready too. The hand in my back grips my one-handed crossbow and I quickly aim at the closing beast.

A silver bolt is shot and impacts his neck.

The vampire shrieks and falls to the ground, I quickly run, swinging Koszmar to his fallen body.

The Katakan reacts and with his remaining arms grabs my sword with his claws, locking it in place. I open my eyes wide in shock and the motherfucker smiles with his ugly face.

Oh, fuck!

He opens his mouth to bite at me, trying to tear my neck out, but before he can do it I quickly take my vial of Black Blood and shove it on his mouth, the glass breaks between his fang, and the poisonous substance enters his body.

The normal strategy was to consume the Black Blood and let the vampire bite you so he can get poisoned, what I did pretty sure would be seen by the orthodox witchers in Kaer Morhen to be a stupid move or a stroke of luck. Anyways who cares what those dumb wolves think?

The important thing is that it worked, the result was instantaneous.

What do you think happens to a hematophagous monster that suddenly has his blood transformed in venom?

Nothing pretty.

The Katakan screams in pain. The injury in his neck, the bloody stump where his right arm was and his open belly with his intestines hanging out are releasing steam. His blood is boiling, stopping his regeneration.

"FUCKING HUMAN!" He screams, convulsing in pain, enough to don't notice me charging at him, I swing Koszmar cutting his left arm. He screams in pain but focuses enough to send his fangs at my face, trying to tear it off my head.

Quen activated in response, the destruction of the shield sending a shockwave that makes the armless Katakan fall in his ass.

Time to end this.

"THE GREAT STRAXA CAN END LIK-" Whatever this annoying batfucker was going to say is interrupted when I swing my silver sword, making a clean horizontal cut in his neck, his head separating itself from his body and falling and rolling in the ground.

His body twitches a little, but then stops and falls onto his right side, steaming blood pouring out of his headless neck.

Sigh

"Finally, I was tired of the ramblings of this motherfucker" I mutter in relief.

I hiss in pain when the adrenaline wears off and my body makes me remember the injury in my right shoulder, is slowly regenerating, but I decide to take a Swallow vial and drink a little of it to accelerate the process. In five seconds, the wound heals and new skin takes the place of the red gash.

Man, I'm definitely going to charge Conlalle more money, I fucking saved Toussaint and potentially the world of the rise of a vampire empire. Forget the titjob at least I deserve fucking her in the ass.

Of course, such negotiations cannot go if I don't bring proof of my successful hunt, so I sheath Koszmar and start looking for the Katakan head.

It is not a long search, I quickly notice that the head rolled over the green rune in the ground in the center of the circles of wooden structures, the ones that remain at least.

It was still pulsating in a fast way but didn't do anything more, it seems that the destruction of those two wooden structures canceled the spell.

That was a relief. By the lady of the lake, I don't know what I would have done if the portal opened up and a vampire army appeared in my face.

Probably run like a demon and hide like a pussy.

I walk over the rune and grab the head.

"Okay, now let's see if I can get me some money and a titjoWOAAAAAAAH" I scream when suddenly the rest of the wooden structures explode, and the rune in the ground glows like the sun, some kind of energy making me float.

SHIT I JINX IT

This rune isn't supposed to work, the fucking bloodsucker said that it was a useless gate after the wooden structures were broken. Why could he not be right about that?!

My cat-like eyes adjust to the sudden light, and I notice that I'm floating inside a pillar of light coming out of the green rune. I let go of the Katakan head in surprise, which falls over the rune, suddenly being absorbed by a green portal that emerges in the ground where the rune was.

The same portal also starts to make my body descend towards it.

"Fuck this shit, I'm not going to vampire land!" I say moving my body to no avail, not having gravity in your body means that my movements are meaningless, and even less when another force is moving me onto a magic portal.

"Come on, come on" I say trying to touch the edge of the light pillar, of course, the idea of trying to grasp light with your hands without magic is dumb as fuck but in my defense, I am getting desperate. My boots are a few centimeters from touching the portal.

Suddenly, I hear a scream coming from the dark corridor where I entered this part of the cave.

"FUCKING MUTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT WHERE ARE YOU? COME SO I CAN CUT YOUR DICK ONCE AND FOR ALL" says the angry voice of The Duke of Toussaint.

Fuck, he found me, I was certain that my cape would hide my identity.

Well, it can be worse.

Then Conlalle's voice sounds from the corridor.

"YOU DAMN WITCHER, YOU STOLE THE JEWELS AND GOLD OF MY GRANDUNCLE TOMB, UNGRATEFUL FUCK I EVEN LET YOU PROVE OUR EXQUISITE WINE" Says her angry voice.

Man, me and my luck.

She has to be referring to the rest stop I took before arriving at the cave. I didn't expect that they would find out so quickly.

In hindsight, maybe it wasn't a good idea.


One hour ago. Before the start of the monster hunt.

"Oh, by the way, for causality are you a familiar of Cesede Dirtargel?" I ask Conlalle and her eyes light up like the throat of a dragon after hearing my question.

Creepy.

"He was my granduncle, a master of winemaking, lover of the grape, even after his death the spirits of the farming shower this vineyard with his energy, some is the des-"

By the lady of the lake, these fuckers really take grape juice seriously, I would not be surprised if she has some weird sexual fetish with wine.

"I met him a long time ago, and I would like to give my respects, do you know where he is buried?" She nods excitedly.

Jackpot.

"Yes, we have a personal mausoleum of the Dirtargel family, is actually on the way to the place where the monster attacked, but you should hurry because the mausoleum is close at nighttime" She then said in a flamboyant way "such a nice act from you master witcher, it seems you really understood the superiority of winemakers, maybe you could receive a blessing of him that will help you on this mission"

I just nod and turn around while putting on my hood, not letting her see my face, "You better get that money ready when I get back"

"I will, happy hunting master witcher"

I exit the house and mount Llenesa "Sure as hell will be a happy hunting" I say with a devilish grin.

Maybe this is going to be more fun than I really expect.

Fuck with avoiding the attention of the Ducal Guard, they didn't catch me then, sure as hell they will not catch me now. Cesede Dirtargel prepare your dead ass because the kid that you use to exploit as a slave in this fucking vineyards-

Is coming for his well-earned salary.


That bastard tomb had two big ass rubies and a bag of 150 floren as offerings, and this bitch said that 60 florens was too much for this job.

Fucking Toussaint winemakers, I swear.

Anyway, it seems like the titjob is not going to happen anytime soon. I hear numerous steps and see the light of torches coming from the corridor. Seems they brought an army to face me, and it's not like there is another way to get out of the cave beside the corridor where they are coming from. Fuck, this is not the kind of situation you can solve playing some rounds of Gwent.

Normally, that would concern me and I would be unsheathing Cierpienie, my Mastercrafted Feline steel sword, but a portal sucking me into a dimensional void stops me from caring too much about The Duke and Conlalle trying to kill me.

"YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE FUCKED MY WIFE YOU ALCHEMIC FREAK" Screams the Duke.

Alchemic Freak? Is that supposed to be a slur to me? It sounds cool.

My boots are just millimeters from touching the portal, and given the situation now being sucked into the ether doesn't sound so bad now. Of course, this could end with me being trapped in vampire land, but I think I would have better odds there than here.

It is not like I would appear in a cave with the one way out of it having fuckers wanting to kill me like here, right?

My boots finally touch the portal and I felt reality disintegrating around me, just in time to see the shocked face of Conlalle, The Duke, and his Ducal Guards who arrived at the chamber.

I look at them and I grin.

"Your wife pussy was very nice, cocksucker!" I scream before the green energy of the portal close around, reality finally breaking down around me.

And I fell into nothingness.

.

All of this shit for a job to gain 60 florens, by the lady of the lake, sometimes I can be very retarded.


A shockwave of magic, a connection appearing into reality. Energies of a faraway place coming into this world.

Close, very close to the surface.

Ouranos was inside The Room of Prayers sitting on his throne, in the middle of the darkroom monitoring the dungeon, like he has been doing all of these centuries, when he felt it, a kind of unknown magic portal appearing inside the subterranean chambers under Orario.

"Unknown" in the sense that it hasn't been identified as its true nature, but familiar enough to a god like Ouranos who has been long enough in the mortal world to feel similar magic appearing inside the dungeon before.

It wasn't a normal occurrence mind you, last time he felt something similar Babel was half its actual height. Also, that time it happened in the Middle Floors.

This was different.

The god opened his eyes "Fels are you there?" said calling for his servant.

"Always my god" said a voice that sounded like legion. Of the shadows, a figure in dark robes appeared, like he was part of the darkness and had materialized from it.

"A magic portal has appeared in the Upper Floors of the dungeon" said Ouranos, the hooded figure called Fels, while having his face covered up by the darkness of his robe, tremble a little at his god words, showing that he has listened.

"It has never appeared so close to the surface, could it mean problems?" Fels asked with doubts. He was long-lived and also had the opportunity to deal with these kinds of magic anomalies before in the dungeon.

"I don't know, I feel that it's similar to other portals that have appeared centuries ago, maybe it's connected to the same realm" Theorized the god "I need you to ask Hermes and his children to go investigate it. If there is something, no matter how insignificant it is, I want to know" Ordered Ouranos.

Fels bowed, "It would be done my god" said the dark-robed figure and disappeared into the dark, leaving the god alone.

Ouranos closed his eyes again and started to monitor the dungeon, mostly the part where he felt the magic portal appearing. He didn't want Fels to know, but he was a little concerned about what this anomaly could mean, what it could bring to this world.

Some kind of new player in this complicated table that was the labyrinth city?

A possibility of doom, salvation, or nothing that would matter in the end?

He sighed.

Otherworldly magic was such a headache, mainly because they were proof of the limits of the god's Arcanum. That ungodly abomination that has come to this world before confirmed the existence of these limits.

He just hoped that whatever this new anomaly is, it will not drastically change the balance of power in Orario.

Ouranos had enough stress in his hands already.


I've got to be honest, falling into the space between realities wasn't such a life-changing experience as others would think.

Mainly because I lose my consciousness, it's hard to stay awake when your mind has to process the concept of time becoming a two-dimensional body and fold into itself. I think it was time, what I saw? Hell, thinking about the flashy shit I saw is going to make my head hurt.

Anyways, getting back on track, I am suffering inside an eternal void when suddenly I feel the influence of gravity in my body once again, and I see a brown rock ceiling, with the same fucking runes of that Katakan portal spell quickly moving away from me.

That means I'm falling.

Ouch.

Like I said before, Witcher physiology is fascinating, I'm pretty sure a normal human would have his back fractured with such a fall.

I still felt pain, so there is not much consolation in that fact, sadly.

"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck, next time I will ask for a minimum of 100 florens or there is no deal" I say with pain and resting on the ground.

I slowly stood up and look at where I am.

"Great, from one cave to another" I say annoyed at the place where I end up transported, it seems is some kind of corridor in a cave made of brown rock and more weirdly enough is illuminated by some yellow crystal in the ceiling.

They were in an orderly fashion.

Is this some kind of mine? But what kind of technology is this?

Then a conclusion appears in my mind.

This is vampire technology, I'm in the vampire world.

SHIT.

That stupid Katakan and his fucking portal.

"Fuck this shit, I'm going to become a snack" I say while unsheathing Koszmar just in case.

This is bad, not that I regret taking this option over facing the entire Ducal Guard.

Actually, I had one, I let Llenesa alone, I can only hope that the Duke is not such a whoreson to take out his frustration with my mare.

I sigh, not that I could do much to go back and make sure she is okay, that portal spell was unknown to me, and pretty sure I don't have what is necessary to replicate it.

There is not much use in wondering about that. At the end of the day, the only option in the Path is just to go forward.

I look at the spells runes in the ceiling, yep, they have nothing of magic in it, which means I'm stuck here. Well, not exactly good news, but it could be wor-

I hear steps in the ground, my mind and senses start to focus.

They are coming off the corridor, my enhanced hearing tells me they are a little far.

I hear some weird grunts.

Getting spooked already, I grip my silver sword and stand in guard at the coming creatures. Please don't be a group of super vampires or some shit like that.

Then with my enhanced eyes, I see the beings at a distance.

A bunch of fucking goblins. I count three of them.

I release the breath I didn't know I was holding, men that could be worse

Anyways if they are goblins that means I could reason with them, maybe they have a savage lifestyle, but they are intelligent enough to not be some rabid animal. I still remember when during a job in Temeria I convinced a pack of them to stop stealing chickens by giving them a pack of spoons.

Like I said, intelligent enough, but definitely not smart.

So, I start walking to them, still holding Koszmar just in case.

"Hello goblin friend, my human, not harm not harm, I just want to pass" I say in the most friendly manner I can, raising my hand as a greeting.

Then I notice something weird about this goblin that makes me stop in my tracks.

They are naked or have rags in their body, which is a more savage aspect than normal goblins used to have, but what makes me start to be wary of them is their bloodshot eyes. Did they get sick of something?

My medallion starts to shake.

That's not a good sign.

The goblin notices me after I talked to them and start to snarl at me, one of them opens its mouth and-

"UUUAAAAAAAAACK" Motherfucker screams at me and the others start to run with claws and clubs with the obvious intention to beat me to death.

Fuck, or I wasn't friendly enough or whatever sickness these goblins has made them crazy, anyways I'm not going to let them touch me.

"Stay back you rabid cocksuckers" I say, and I swing Koszmar, his silver edge crashing against the goblin that screamed and decided to jump at me, cutting him right in the air by the middle in half, his lungs, hearts, and guts falling into the ground before its entire destroyed body disappears in a cloud of black smoke leaving only a crystal in the ground.

"What the fu-" I say in surprise, of course, this weird event distracts me, which the closer goblin uses to try to bite my face off, sadly to him, I'm fast enough, and I grabbed him by the neck, knee him right in the face, caving it with an explosion of blood, some teeth flying in out.

Thanks to the lady of the lake for these strong kneecaps I was born with.

The force of my breaking his face sends the goblin a few steps back, crashing with the third goblin who was running towards me, failing both to the ground, one over the other.

Taking my chance, I cast Igni, a wall of flames engulfing the two Goblins, their skin burning and their mouth screaming before suddenly exploding in this same weird smoke, leaving only two crystals in the ground.

This shit is so weird, why do these goblins disintegrate when they die? What are these crystals?

I crouch and grab one of them, my cat medallion trembles a little in response.

They are definitely magical, maybe low in energy, but it is clear there is magic shit in these shiny stones. Maybe they became these crystals? Never heard of magic like that, but I didn't know a vampire could open a portal with a rune either.

I put the three crystals in my bag and start to walk through this crystal illuminated cave.

It doesn't take me too much to find another pack of goblins and Hey look! There are also some of their cousins, the kobolds, in the group. Of course, they are also with bloodshot eyes and as soon as they see me they try to attack me in a state of frenzy.

I use Aard, they fall down, and while in the ground I spin my silver sword, cutting their bodies apart and just like it happened before they turn to smoke, leaving a magic stone, a thing that also happened to the kobolds.

Curious, I notice that some of these little fuckers that have their body the least destroyed disintegrated slower than the ones whose bodies were torn apart by Koszmar.

Are the bloodshot eyes and becoming smoke to drop a magic crystal related? It is some kind of weird-ass sickness? Are these creatures magical constructs?

The sickness theory would explain why they attack me in a feral way without regard for their lives or a concrete plan, but then again, what kind of sickness transformed you into a stone when you die? A superior case of stone kidneys? Magic rabies?

The magical construct theory could explain the crystals, maybe the stones are sentient and create for themselves bodies with the shape of creatures to interact with the world. Also, it would explain why Koszmar cut through them so efficiently like they were made of butter, an enchanted silver sword is the bane of any magical fucker.

Anyways, I could think of another theory for these strange beings when I get out of this cave, I fooled around enough inside caves and I start to miss the light of the sun.

Of course, things are never that easy, just when I reach a corner my medallion starts to tremble heavily, my senses detect some heavy steps and the smell of a bull. I prepare myself for the coming fight and quickly turn the corner.

Seeing in front of me…..

.

Well, it seems I'm definitely in another world. I have never seen this kind of creature, so it has to be native to this place.

That, or some farmer was too horny and lonely and decided to stick his dick in a cow.

I'm facing some kind of two and a half meter tall brown humanoid creature with the head of a bull, a Werebull? Werecow? Anyway, this bovine fucker also has bloodshot eyes which probably means it also wants to send me to the afterlife.

"UAAAAAAAAAAAA" Roared this beast, confirming my suspicious about its intentions. It quickly throws a punch where I am, so I dodge backwards, taking some distance of it. The punch of the Werecow makes a crater in the ground.

I grimace at the strength of the creature, that punch was nothing to scoff at.

"Fuck, you are a strong bullshitter heh" I said with my nervous grin even if I know he doesn't understand me.

This will be a little hard, and gotta say I'm fucking tired, I haven't rest ever since my fight against that Katakan and being transported to this world. I hope adrenaline and my witcher body keeps me up enough time until I find a place to at least sit my butt and meditate.

The bullman charges at me again, so I quickly cast Aard making it stumble backward, taking the chance I slash at its right knee, cutting deep the ligaments of the joint, the runes in my silver sword working overdrive to damage the bone. The cowfucker screams in pain and makes a quick swipe of its hand which I block with Koszmar, cutting two fingers of it but in return, the fucking beast still send me flying onto my back.

The monster tries to capitalize and attack me while I am down, but the cut in its knee makes it fall onto the ground, catching itself with its hands. Seems I still have an advantage.

And like any good witcher I'm going to take this advantage to its fullest, or like my master would say "Milk the opportunity like a Zerrikanian amazon would milk his men".

He wasn't really a poet, okay?

Knowing being tired is not going to help me, I take a vial of Tawny Owl and gulp it in its entirety, the toxicity making my witcher body burn while also feeling full energy entering my being like if I just wake up from meditation. I offer this cow retard a mad grin and run towards it.

I have 30 seconds of never-ending stamina, let's use it.

The beast roars at me and tries to punch me again, but I quickly take off my bag a Samum bomb and I throw it at its face, the subsequent explosion making it scream of pain while also blinding it.

Taking the chance of its lowered guard I slash Koszmar over its left knee, taking apart its leg while running at its side, ending up at its back while the cowman screams in pain at its missing limb, stump making a hissing sound at being corroded cause of the contact of my enchanted silver.

Not giving it the time to catch up I run towards it, jumping and slashing from behind its right humerus, not with the strength to amputate its arms, but I damage it enough to the point it ends being a dead limp.

Now being back in front of this monster again I dodge a punch with its still working arm and cast Axii, making it lost itself in a trance which I use to run at it, use its remaining and damaged knee to jump and stab Koszmar right in the monster left eye, the silver sword coming out of the back of its head, blood splattering in the ground.

"IUUUUAUAAUAUA!" Screams in dying agony the cowfucker while falling to the ground, me on top of it. The monster starts to disintegrate in a cloud of smoke soon after. A crystal, bigger than the one that comes out of goblins and kobolds the only thing that's left in its place.

That and one of its horns.

"So definitely they have to be some magical constructs" I say, a little tired now that the effects of Tawny Owl are gone but fresher than before. I take the crystal and the horn, inspecting them.

Mmmhh, it makes sense a bigger creature would drop a bigger crystal, but why the horn? Not that I'm complaining because I notice it has superb durability, making it a good material if I want to use it to make a weapon or armor.

I stuff the monster remains in my bag and continue walking.

Sigh

It has to be a way out of this cave, right? Please, that this world doesn't consist of only caves with aggressive magical constructs. That would be a fucking punch in the balls.

I keep walking in this corridor illuminated by these yellow crystals, finding new packs of goblins and kobolds that I effortlessly slay until if find it, an intersection of corridors, finally some fucking progress.

Of course, this creates a new problem. What corridor should I choose? I prefer not to end up deeper in this cave, besides I need to find food, I am getting hun-

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

A fucking scream, and it heard like is of a human.

Signs of civilization? Then again it seems this human is in danger, so I need to be fast.

I run towards the sound, my superhuman body letting me arrive fast at a crossroad where two other corridors start, then suddenly I hear the scream again, more closely this time.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH NONONONO AHHHHHHHH" The person screaming appears right in one of the corridors, is a boy with white hair and red eyes, using some kind of brown leather jacket.

White hair and red eyes? Oh shit, was he a vampire? Am I really in the vampire world? Wait, why the fuck is a boy in a place like that in the first place?

Whatever theory about this boy I have, are stopped when my cat medallion trembles and another of these werecows appears chasing down the kid, "UAAAAAAAAAAAA" screams the beast in bloodlust rage, both it and the kid disappearing into one of the corridors.

Shit, he is in danger. I start chasing them, maybe I am some greedy motherfucker, but I'm not going to let a kid die on my watch. Besides, he probably has some information about this place, so I need him alive.

I run with Koszmar in my grip, ready to save this boy. Just in case I cast Quen in my body.

Soon I arrive at a dead end, in front of me the kid is sitting on the ground with his back against a wall of rock stopping him from escaping the bullfucker, who is ready to break him like some little stick. Fuck, I need to act fast.

Knowing that I could not arrive in time to save him with Koszmar I take my one-handed crossbow and put in it one of the three explosive bolts I have left.

I aim at its head.

"Hey, zoophilic abortion! Look here!" I scream, making the beast glance at me.

That's all I need.

Shooting the crossbow, the bolt impacts its left horn, then an explosion destroys said horn along with taking out the left eye of the beast and burns out part of its face.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUAUAUA" It screams in pain and rage, now facing me with the clear intention to beat me to death.

I notice behind me the kid is still glued to the wall looking at me with a surprised face and in shock. Yeah, probably this is really traumatizing, or my cat-like eyes are just that unique and cool.

"Get the fuck out here kid!" I scream at him while running at the cowbeast, Koszmar ready in my hand. The beast roars and walks towards me, intending to destroy me.

Having already experienced a fight with this kind of creature, I decided to let it throw the punch, but I dodge to the side this time. The punch cracks the ground where I was while I put one of my boots in the wall, then I propel myself towards the fist still embedded in the ground. I swung Koszmar and made a clean cut in the cowfucker wrist, taking out his right hand.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUAUAUA" Screams once again the monster, lifting the stump where it was its hand, the injury oozing blood that falls into the ground and corroding itself because of the contact with my silver sword.

Taking advantage of its pain I cast a long stream of fire with Igni, the beast screams at being burned alive and tries to cover its head with its left arm, third-degree burns covering its body and arm.

Then in an act of willpower that I didn't expect of this beast, the bull fucker charges at me and headbutt me, trying to skewer me with its remaining horn. The surprise of its sudden attack doesn't give me the time to dodge.

But that's why Quen exists.

The protecting sign explodes, releasing yellow energy after the cowfucker impacted its head on me, the push of Quen making it take a few steps back while I was unaffected and unmoved by the headbutt.

I also notice that the monster broke its nose smashing its head at me, blood flowing out of its orifices.

Heh, what a retarded cow.

But then my laugh stops, and I become aware that by taking those steps back because of Quen the fucker is now close to the kid, who is whimpering in response to the monster's closeness.

The same whimpering is noticed by the beast, who looks behind it and decides to end what it started, making a fist with its remaining hand, looking to punch the kid.

"Fuck, kid I told you to run!" I say to him, but the boy just stays still, frozen in fear while the cowbeast Is ready to crush him with its fist.

FUCK

"NO, NO, NO" I charge at them trying to save the kid from becoming human paste, but even I know that I am not close enough to reach them, even taking my crossbow will not be fast enough.

I sense a strong wind current at my side.

In just an instant, blond hair passes close to me, at a speed I have trouble keeping up even with my enhanced senses.

That hair is accompanied by one of the most beautiful faces I have ever seen.

Damn, that is a cute girl.

The same cute girl passes right at my side and jumps at the bull-human hybrid, using some kind of rapier to cut its shoulder up to its abdomen, nearly splitting it in two. Blood exploding everywhere, I even dodge it, so it doesn't get in my armor.

The fuck with that strength? Oh! shit, is she a vampire?

The cowfucker didn't even have time to scream, it makes a pathetic whimper before starting to disintegrate, its blood splattered in the ground and its magic stone the only proof of its existence.

I release a sigh of relief

Well, a boy was saved, which is a good way to end the day.

That's only if I am wrong about the beautiful blond girl looking at me right now with a doll-like face being a vampire.

Lady of the lake, listen to me and for once, I ask to be wrong.

Her face is expressionless, but I notice in her amber eyes and her slightly tilted head a hint of curiosity while looking me in the face, my cat-like eyes meet hers, and damn, did I say that she is beautiful? And her armor has a very ladylike aura in it, it even shows exposed skin in the back, by the Lady of the Lake that's kind of hot.

Fuck it, I wouldn't mind if she ended up being a vampire, I mean I heard Bruxas can be quite good in the bed as long as they are using a muzzle and didn't use their monstrous forms.

But horny thoughts aside, I know that I have to talk to her, mainly to start getting answers about where I am.

"Thanks for the save fairy face, if you didn't appear the boy here would have ended up like potato mash" I say to her, which makes her eyes go wide a little and turn her head to the mentioned kid. Oh right, I got so distracted by this girl's cuteness that I forgot about the boy with snow hair.

We both get close to the boy, who is still sitting in the wall and covered in blood, which is not a surprise given how the cowfucker was right over him when "fairy face" slashed it in half. Still can't believe she did that kind of thing.

He looks at us, or more specifically, he looks at "fairy face" with a love struck expression.

I don't blame you kid, I would look at her the same way if I was your age.

"Are you okay?" asks the girl with a very calm but cute voice, extending a hand to help him stand up. Damn, how someone with that kind of voice can be such a strong monster killer?

"Besides being covered in blood and pissing himself in the pants, I think he is fine, I don't see any injuries in his body. fairy face" I say while looking at the boy, my cat-like eyes scanning for any type of injuries. We will not be doctors, but at least first aid is something all witchers are forced to learn if one expects to survive in the business of monster hunting.

The girl looks at me with curious eyes again before nodding at my "medical" evaluation, seems she agrees with my conclusion. "Can you stand up by yourself?" asks the girl with her hand still outstretched towards the boy.

That's when I notice in the boy's love-struck face the start of a panic attack and the signs he is going to start running.

Why the fuck would he have a panic attack at a cute girl asking him to stand up? I don't know and don't care, I'm not going to leave this kid run in a panic in this fucking caves of hell.

"UWAAAAAAAAAAA-" Just when he started to scream and stand up to run I cast Axii, the rune sign appearing in front of my hand and stopping him right in his tracks, the boy entering a trance. The girl's eyes open wide in surprise.

"Okey snow hair, you are going to stay calm and take a deep breath" I say, the kid acting as ordered instantaneously. Then when his mind goes back, he looks much calmer. He looks at me confused, but then when he sees the girl his face acquires a nervous expression.

A precocious crush, I can work with that.

"Good, now that you got your shit together, then you can both tell where the exit of this fucking cave is?" I say looking at these hope-not-to-be vampires, the boy trying to take a glance at "fairy face" to only look down embarrassed, the girl just keeps looking at me with curiosity.

"What was that spell?" Asks fairy face, imitating in a not-on-purpose cute way the same motion a witcher does when casting Axii. I smile at the girl and decide to indulge her curiosity, I also notice snow hair is looking at me interested.

"That was not a spell, is a sign called Axii and allows me-" Before I can start to presume my witcher abilities in the hope of making myself look cool in front of fairy face, an annoying male voice sounds in the cave.

"Aiz, are you there? I didn't see you come out of this dead end, don't tell me you had a problem with the mino-"Suddenly I see a very weird creature, it is mostly human with gray hair, but it has canine ears and a tail.

Are vampires zoophilic? Or I am in a world of zoophiles? The fucking werecows were enough, thank you very much, I don't need human dogs.

"Who the fuck are they Aiz?" Ask the dog? Wolf? Humanoid with a raised eyebrow and wary tone, he approaches us, noticing first the boy who averts his gaze at the intimidating wolfman face, and then he notices me, looking me right in my cat-like eyes with a confused look.

He sniffs something in the air, and then his expression changes to a very aggressive one.

"What the fuck are you?! Stay away from Aiz, freak!" He says with anger, his metallic armored boot stomping the ground making some light cracks, he puts himself on guard and looks like at any moment he is going to kick me with those boots.

Of course, this sudden display of aggression put me on guard too, having not sheathed Koszmar, I pointed it at this dogman. "Calm your titties dogfucker I don't know what is with this stomping display, but I assure you, you don't want a fight with someone like me, I can hurt you very bad" I say with a menacing tone and intimidating look on my cat-like eyes.

In response, the "living display of why zoophilia is bad" bare his fangs at me, ready to beat the shit out of me at any moment. The girl and boy with snow hair are getting surprised at this sudden fight that is going to start.

"Oh is on motherfuc-"Tries to say dogboy taking a position to attack, but before I can cast Igni in his stupid tail, the girl interrupts us by putting herself between me and the dog humanoid.

"Bete stop, he doesn't mean harm" Says fairy face, or should I say Aiz (Cute name by the way) "Trust me" The calm and nearly monotonous voice of the girl makes this "Bete" relax his stance, but he doesn't abandon his fighting position.

"You are lucky that Aiz can vouch for you weirdo, just don't make anything weird, or you would pay for it" He says in an intimidating way. I roll my eyes annoyed.

"Relax mister zoophilia I'm not going to hurt such a cute girl" I say pointing at Aiz, the girl just stares at me in a confused way, cutely tilting her head while snow hair takes a look at the girl before looking away embarrassed.

Not that I could hurt Aiz considering what I see her do before, at least not in a straight fight, The School of the Cat made sure that fighting dirty was the only way I know how to fight.

Bete started to bare his fangs again, but suddenly many voices are heard, coming toward us.

"There you are Bete, we lost sight of you and Aiz" a boy's voice is heard, and a group appears, being led up by a blonde kid with hormonal problems? A Halfling? I mean, given his size and the fact that he is carrying a lance like a professional, I think the Halfling moniker is better. But then again I know in this world there are human dogs, so maybe he could be a kid who just is good with a lance.

Anyways, this "Halfling" was leading a group composed of a dwarf with very sturdy armor, two girls who look like they come out of some kind of Zerrikanian brothel given her brown skin and very revealing clothes, a cute orange hair girl elf and…

The most beautiful elf I ever see, her green hair and stoic face making her look like a princess of some fairy tale book. She was using some kind of robe and is carrying a staff.

She must be a sorcerer.

A very hot sorcerer.

I don't have a problem if she is a Bruxa but just in case please, be an actual elf.

The group arrives at our location, the Halfling looking at Aiz and Bete "Did you take care of the minotaurs?" The girl nods while the human dog just yawns in a fake manner "it was pretty easy captain, these bullheads are not a challenge to us, Aiz even did some rescue" he says in a smug way pointing at me and the white haired kid still covered in blood.

This dogfucker, Is he implying I have to be res-

Wait, minotaur?

"Good to hear, is this the two adventurers you rescued Aiz" Asks the Halfling and suddenly "snow hair" and I are being looked at by all this group, I quickly note most of them look at me confused, mainly when they see me in the eyes, for some reason they also look at my head searching for something which makes them put an even strange face when they don't find it.

I just grin at them and wink at the hot elf sorceress, who just raises an eyebrow at my action. Tough girl to impress, it seems, at least one of the "Zerrikanian" girls with the small boobs offers me a smile and wink in return.

Cute.

"I didn't need to save him" Aiz suddenly says, surprising everyone, she is pointing at me "He was going to kill the minotaur alone, I just intervened to save the other adventurer" She says pointing now at snow hair who start to fidget at the attention.

"Hi I'm-I'm Bell Cra-Cranel" says the kid while making a small bow at the group "Thank-Thank you for-for sa-saving me " he stutters to everyone. Come on man, is not like you are talking in front of a princess.

On second thought, I look at the beautiful elf who is giving me an analytic look. Don't know how to describe it, but a royal aura envelops her body.

Ok, maybe there is a princess, so be a little nervous, I guess.

"There is no need Bell, it was Aiz and this fellow adventurer who saved you, not me" Says the Halfling, "I'm Finn Deimne by the way, captain of the Loki Familia" Stretched his hand at the nervous kid, who shyly shake it.

Having done that the Halfling called Finn looked at me "Hope the minotaur wasn't too much trouble, and in the name of my Familia I apologize for don't stop it from getting on this floor" He said bowing a little.

So, the cowfuckers are called minotaurs? Even so, what is this about Familia? Did he mean family? Is that how it is called in this world? I didn't understand half of this, the only thing clear is that he felt guilty about me fighting the minotaur.

I sheath Koszmar and take the horn the other beast drop it off my bag, so I can show it to him and his group "Don't worry, besides I already kill one of this fucker before coming here, and while a little tricky, it wasn't that hard" I say with a grin, Finn just look at me surprised, I also notice the beautiful elf making a similar expression.

"An item drop, that's lucky, so that means you are not angry about fighting the minotaur, right mister?" suddenly says with a smile the Zerrikanian girl of the small boobs, her sister (I guess) with the bigger boobs look at her ashamed.

"Nah I have fought worse, but if you people felt responsible, you could make up for me by telling me where the exit of this fucking cave is" I ask, and suddenly the beautiful elf, dwarf, and Finn look at me a little weird.

That is becoming a tradition at this point. But a witcher is already accustomed to this kind of look.

"You don't know where the exit of the dungeon is?" Asked for the first time the beautiful elf sorcerers with her harmonious voice. But I don't have to distract myself with this sexy woman of pointy ears, she asks me a question that apparently I should know.

Did I tell them the truth about me coming from another world?

Maybe when I am in a more secure place, where I can escape just in case.

Sorry for hiding the truth, possible elf princess

"Well I'm new here, so you have to forgive me beautiful" I say in half-truth and the elf just raises an eyebrow again at me while for some reason the other people have a face of incredulity, I continue "Getting lost In this annoying caves is not that weird right? Anyway, can you people get me to the exit please?" I try to insist, I really started to feel annoyed at still being in this cave.

"You are new to the dungeon, but you fought very well against two minotaurs, defeating one?" says the elf in incredulity and then puts on a serious face, "I don't think you are lying. If you want us to guide you, we will help you, just tell me, who in the gods names are you?" she asked, looking me right in my cat-like eyes with a questioning expression.

Well, it seems they notice something suspicious of me, can't be helped, my kind is just that unique.

So, why don't I just introduce myself at least? With a grin, I put a hand on my chest.

"Happy to meet you elf cutie, you may call me Lerand de Toussaint" I say with a small bow.

"I am a Witcher"

And then everyone, including Bell, raised one of their eyebrows at me.


And that's the first chapter done, gotta say maybe was a bit too long, but what can you do when you are inspired?. Probably I'm going to have the next chapter ready next month. I will try to make it shorter. You know how it is, the pilot episode is always larger.

Most of the original names were taken from this name generator site. I'm not very good at coming with names XD.

And that's it for today, let me know what you think.

Bye.