A/N: This chapter deals with the tragedy of suicide.

CHAPTER FOUR: BREAKDOWN

Suicide – the act of taking one's own life.

Daniel's POV:

I'd never known anyone who'd felt badly enough to kill themselves. There'd been friends over the years who'd told me of people they'd lost in that particularly difficult way. I was convinced suicide was an exceedingly cruel way to leave people who cared about you.

OoOoOo

Within twelve hours after Sarah left the house, the assembled forces of the state police and the SGC marines were hunting for her.

Daniel had returned home at 2000 hours to find no Sarah and no sign she'd returned home from work that day. Understandably concerned, he called her supervisor at the university and was told Sarah had called in sick that morning, saying she had a doctor's appointment. Daniel, who'd been privy to all her psychiatric treatment, had not been aware of this particular appointment.

She'd left everything at home. Clothes, credit cards, make-up and one very bewildered, panicked husband, all was left behind, seemingly without a thought. Hours morphed into days, as Daniel and his friends spearheaded the search for a woman they feared was in imminent danger.

Before her disappearance, Daniel and the rest of SG1 had believed Sarah's conditionwas improved; now, their assessment of Sarah's mental status had changed. Searching the house hadshown Daniel's nine mil service revolver was missing along with a full clip he'd kept locked in a wall safe. There was no question in their minds Sarah had found the combination and taken the weapon with her. What had changed? What was really going on for Sarah?

Daniel had managed to track the medical appointment through Sarah's psychiatrist. Fortunately, Sarah had long ago signed a medical release allowing the therapist to speak with both her husband and Sam. Sarah's therapist gave Daniel information that turned everything on its head. Sarah feared she was pregnant and had scheduled an exam with her gynecologist the day she disappeared.

Sam and Daniel visited Sarah's gynecologist later the next day. By then the results of the pregnancy test had returned and Sarah was indeed pregnant, by the doctor's estimation, about twelve weeks along.

The days stretched on. Jack asked himself repeatedly how a pregnant woman, with no stealth training and panic attacks could possibly hide from professionals for as long as she did. The answer, Sam supplied, was that this same woman was privy to the knowledge of one of the most cunning, deceitful, resourceful creatures in the universe, the Goa'uld, Osiris. The same treacherous memories that likely drove her to disappear now helped her conceal her whereabouts from those determined to bring her home.

OoOoOo

A little less than a month after Sarah's disappearance, Daniel received an unexpected phone call. Awakened abruptly in the middle of the night, Daniel answered the phone, wiping sleep from his eyes.

"Hello."

"Is this Dr. Jackson?"

"Yes, I'm Dr. Jackson. Who's this?"

"Special Agent Taylor, FBI, Dr. Jackson. I have information concerning your wife. I thought you'd want to be notified as soon as possible."

"You've found her. Is she alright? Where is she?"

"I'd like you to come down to the department so we can discuss things. Is there someone who can come with you?"

"Yes, of course. But is she alright?"

"Dr. Jackson, I don't discuss investigations over the phone. I'll be here when you arrive."

Daniel hung up the phone. His hand was trembling. As it was, he'd been getting precious little sleep since Sarah left and now, now he didn't know what to think. In any case, Jack had told him in no uncertain terms to call as soon as he heard anything. Without hesitation, Daniel dialed the phone to take his friend up on his offer.

As soon as Jack had been brought up to speed, he'd offered to accompany Daniel to the local FBI office. Refusing to take no for an answer, he'd dressed, kissed Sam goodbye and met his friend clear across town within half an hour.

Once the two friends saw Agent Taylor's drawn expression, their worst fears were confirmed. Jack could feel Daniel's posture slump as soon as they were ushered into a small room, one routinely used for interrogations. In this circumstance, Agent Taylor's assignment was to notify next of kin.

"Dr. Jackson, there's no easy way to say this. We've found your wife. I'm afraid she's dead."

Staring at the man, clearly in shock, Daniel managed a strangled "How?"

"At this point, we believe it was suicide. There will be a full investigation, examination of the scene, but we have a note left by your wife. It's addressed to you. Again, my apologies, but given the circumstances, we've read it and it indicates her death was a suicide."

Daniel closed his eyes, hoping somehow he could escape the reality of all of this. When he opened them again, he saw the agent placing a simple white envelope into his hand. The writing was Sarah's. What had she done? What was so bad that she couldn't come to him?

"Agent Taylor, if you don't mind, Dr. Jackson and I are going to step out for a few moments. When we come back, where can we find you?" Jack asked, instinctively taking control of the situation, trying to help his friend in any way he could.

"I'll be in my office, next door down, General O'Neill. I'll need to talk with both of you before you leave tonight."

"Don't worry, we'll be there," Jack replied. Then turning to Daniel he invited, "Come on, let's get some air."

OoOoOo

It was a dark night, the moon a small sliver of light, half hidden by clouds. Jack walked his friend outside and stood facing him, unable to see his expression, but hearing the intensity of his silence.

"You did everything you could, Daniel."

"Did I, Jack? I don't think so." Holding up the small white envelope Agent Taylor had given him, Daniel gestured towards it. "This says I didn't do nearly enough."

"You haven't even read it, Daniel. I can't imagine Sarah blaming you for anything."

"You don't get it, do you? I blame myself. I was her husband; I should have known she was in danger. I should have stayed with her instead of digging goddamned, stupid rocks on some stupid, stupid site."

Jack had no idea what to say. He wished he'd let Sam come, she'd have been able to comfort Daniel. Hell, who was he kidding, no one was going to comfort Daniel now. His wife was dead and he blamed himself.

"Let's go in, Jack. I need to read this and hear what else Taylor has to tell us."

Once back inside, Daniel excused himself to read Sarah's note in private. Private… of course the contents of his wife's last communication with him were anything but private, they were part of an investigation of her death and the police had already read her words. But they were meant for him. He knew that was Sarah's intent and so with a heavy heart he began to read.

"Dear Daniel,

This is a letter I never meant to write you. My sister took her own life when I was sixteen, so I know how cruel this is to the people left behind.

I never wanted to hurt you, Daniel. From the moment we met at Oxford, all you've done is care for me. You've been so loyal. I've watched you give up so much, just to be with me.

I really thought things would get better, that I would get better. But that never happened. Just when I thought I might have a chance, the nightmares always came back.

Daniel, I know I'm pregnant. I couldn't. I couldn't have this child. I couldn't carry this child. It was like having the Goa'uld inside me again. I know that sounds crazy, but then again, I am, aren't I?"

I can't live like this anymore. I hoped that by going far away it wouldn't hurt you so much. Now that the day is here, I knowyou'llhurt, no matter how or where Ido this. I'm sorry. Daniel, at least this way, it's over. You can find someone to love, someone who can make you laugh, who can make you happy. I'd never be able to do that, my darling and you deserve more.

Please don't hate me. I can't see another way to free us both.

All my love,

Sarah"

His face a mask, devoid of emotions, Daniel Jackson left the small conference room where he'd read Sarah's letter. Catching one look at his friend's face, Jack grimaced at the pain he knew was hidden behind the mask. Daniel had learned the military mask well over the past few years and Jack wasn't so sure anymore that this particular skill was such a good thing.

The two men reluctantly returned to Agent Taylor's office where they heard the details of Sarah's death.

The FBI had a call from the local police in Los Angeles two days earlier reporting that an apparent suicide they'd found in a hotel room matched the description of a missing person. Actually, it was the fingerprints that matched. Sarah, it seems, had succeeded in changing her appearance drastically and had been using an assumed name. She clearly did not want to be found.

"Can I see her?" Daniel asked, interrupting the agent's description of the crime scene.

"Excuse me?"

"My wife, can I see her?"

"Of course, that can be arranged."

"Just one question, Agent Taylor. Do you have any question that this was a suicide?"

"Honestly, no, Dr. Jackson. Your wife died from a single gunshot wound to her temple. Her prints were on the weapon, residue on her hands and she had a history of psychiatric problems. And of course, you have the note. I don't see any reason to doubt this was a suicide. I'm sorry."

OoOoOo

Daniel viewed Sarah's body silently, Jack at his side. After holding her hand for a few moments and gently caressing her face, Daniel turned away from the body and exited the viewing room. Jack followed him at a discrete distance, sprinting to catch up when Daniel moved to get into his car.

"Hey, Daniel. I'll drive. You're coming home with me," he stated as a matter of fact, taking the car keys out of his friend's hand.

Daniel was too overwhelmed to protest Jack's offer, briefly looking his former team leader in the eye. Without further delay, Daniel slid into the passenger seat. Jack got in behind the wheel, turned the key in the ignition and began the journey home.


Next chapter up soon; this will deal with Daniel's reactions and how he begins to rebuild his life.

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