CHAPTER FIVE: WHAT COMES NEXT
By 0800 Daniel and Jack had arrived at the O'Neill home. Jack had driven Daniel's car, leaving his own at Daniel's to be picked up later. Jack was concerned but hardly surprised that his friend hadn't said a word during the twenty minute trip from the morgue. There'd been complete silence. Jack certainly had no idea what to say.
"We're here, Daniel. Come on, let's go in," he encouraged, Daniel silently following his directions.
Jack had called Sam from the FBI offices while Daniel had gone off alone to read Sarah's note. She was at the front door to meet them, as ready for this as she'd ever be. The twins, normally full of energy this early in the morning, had been told Uncle Daniel was very, very sad and Mommy and Daddy needed them to be extra good today so he could rest when he came over. Cassie was on her way to take them out for the day so Daniel could have some peace and quiet with his friends.
"Daniel," Sam said softly as the younger man walked in with her husband. Jack looked haggard, but Daniel looked pitiful. Sam slowly walked up to him, opened her arms and let Daniel walk into her embrace. He clung to her in a way that chilled her heart. She could feel him trembling and she held him tighter, glancing over her shoulder at Jack and motioning with her eyes towards the kitchen where she had prepared orange juice, coffee and other breakfast items. If she could do nothing else she could feed him.
As Jack came back into the room with orange juice and a bagel, Sam led Daniel over to the couch and they both slowly sat down. Seeming to come out of it, Daniel looked up at Jack and mouthed "thank you" as he took the glass of juice from his friend's hand. As Jack slowly took a seat across from his wife, the twins came running into the room, stopping in their tracks as they saw their Uncle Danny. Looking from their mother to their father for direction, their smiles began to return when Daniel pulled himself up from couch and walked over to them, kneeling down so he could see them eye to eye.
"Hi, you two. Glad you're here. It's okay, you guys won't bother me."
Grace and Jake chose that moment to spontaneously throw their arms around their uncle's neck, holding on for all they were worth. Finally, Daniel's tears started. Silently at first, but soon Sam began to hear Daniel crying. She walked over to lead the twins slightly away from her distraught friend.
"It's okay, Sam. I won't hurt them."
"Oh Daniel, I know that, I just…" Sam began, truly at a loss.
"Uncle Danny's sad, mommy, we know all about it." Jake said matter-of-factly. Daddy said it's okay to cry, 'member?"
"Yes, it is Jake," Jack said softly, coming over to tousle his son's hair. He offered a hand to Daniel who was still on his knees and gently pulled him to a standing position. "Come on, we gotta eat something. Sam's got all this food ready."
"Okay," Daniel said, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand and sniffing slightly. Munchkins got to eat, right you two?"
"Yay! Breakfast with Uncle Danny!"
After a light breakfast of orange juice and half a bagel – really all he could manage – Daniel felt a little stronger physically. He was in shock, at least emotionally. His responses muted and feeling numb all over his body, he sat with Jack in the family room while Sam prepared the twins for their day with Cassie.
"I couldn't save her Jack. Why couldn't I save her?"
"Maybe it wasn't up to you. Maybe it was Sarah's decision in the end."
"It was my gun."
"Mine too, Daniel, I know all about that one."
"I should have known better."
"Me too."
The two men lapsed into silence. They'd been bonded by tragedy before; they'd both walked through more than their share. Both realized that none of that helped them in the least right now. For now, the only thing that mattered, the only feeling demanding attention, was Daniel's grief for Sarah. There was no way Jack or anyone else could make that better.
OoOoOo
Without much protest, Daniel agreed to stay with the O'Neills, at least until after the funeral. He was silent for the most part, responding to the children more than anyone else, and sometimes to Sam's gentle, sad smile. Jack was heartened to see Daniel smile in response to the twins. This was about the only hopeful sign on the horizon.
The night before the funeral, Sam unexpectedly met Daniel in the kitchen, wide awake and drinking coffee at 0300. Hardly the perfect time to talk, but Sam was glad for the opportunity. She simply sat with Daniel and waited for him to start.
"Didn't I love her enough? Sam, I tried. I thought I could help her. Why couldn't she talk to me about the baby?"
"I don't know why she didn't come to you about the baby. But I believe you loved her with all your heart, until you had nothing left to give."
"Why?"
"I'm not sure we'll ever really know, Daniel. I can only guess she was terrified, terrified of loosing control again. Of loosing herself, of hurting you."
"Well she didn't exactly avoid that, now did she. I'm feelin' pretty hurt," Daniel stated hollowly, an incongruous smile on his face as he looked up at Sam.
"I know," Sam answered setting her hand gently on his shoulder.
"I'm angry, Sam. But it's not right to be angry with her, is it? Why, how could she do this?"
By now, Jack had woken. Finding Sam gone he'd straggled out to the kitchen himself. Meeting Sam's eyes, he knew it was okay to join them.
"You know I'm no expert on feelings Daniel, but I think anger would be understandable right about now," Jack volunteered, knowing his friend would welcome his opinion.
"She's gone, Jack. It was my fault she got the gun, my fault she ran. She was my responsibility. I promised to take care of her. So how can I be angry at her?"
"I think you just are, Daniel. You just are."
They sat at the kitchen table with long periods of silence between then for another hour before finally giving in to their respective levels of exhaustion and heading off to bed.
OoOoOo
The funeral was a combination wake and prayer service, held at the Jackson home. Everything had been prepared by Daniel's friends from the SGC. Sarah's remains had already been shipped to England where she would be buried early the next week in her family mausoleum, joining her parents and siblings who had predeceased her. Though initially taken aback by the request he'd found in his wife's last will and testament, Daniel understood her desire to be taken back to her childhood home.
A week after the funeral he traveled to Devonshire, England accompanied by Jack, Sam, Teal'c and General Hammond. He buried his wife in the country of her birth, surrounded by his own closest friends. Sarah had few friends or contacts remaining in England, having left soon after her postgraduate work. Daniel was her only living family.
On the plane back to the states, Daniel broke the news.
"I'm leaving."
"Care to share more specifically?" Jack queried.
"The SGC, the states. I need to get away on my own for awhile, Jack".
"Where to?"
"Don't know exactly. I tried for Atlantis, but Landry wouldn't go for it. Said I wasn't stable enough for the assignment right now. Maybe I'll stay in England for awhile. Or Egypt. Actually, Nick's estate was in Egypt, the estate he willed me when he disappeared."
"Estate you say?"
"Yeah. I've had it managed by a caretaker. Wasn't really interested in going there, let alone running the place. But now, why not?"
"How about 'you need your friends right now and you shouldn't be alone'."
"I appreciate all you and Sam have done. And Teal'c, he's almost moved back from Chulak these past weeks. I don't think I would have made it without you. But now, guys, I need to find out what I'm about. I keep loosing people. I just need to be on my own for awhile."
OoOoOo
Once back in Colorado Springs, sitting in Daniel's living room as he packed, Jack began, "So you're really going?"
"Yeah, Jack. That's why there are five suitcases and a steamer trunk packed in my living room. I'm planning on going to Egypt."
"Daniel, I don't like this. I can't stop you, can I?"
"No, you can't."
"Okay, but so help me if you don't stay in touch, I'll find you. I'll be there to babysit, you know I will."
"Egypt, Jack?"
"No problem, Thor will have me there in seconds."
Daniel couldn't help but chuckle at the last comment. "Thor, now that would be interesting. Jack, I'll stay in contact."
"I mean it Daniel. If I don't hear from you for more than a week, I'm coming after you."
"Okay, Jack. I've got the message. Thanks." Daniel smiled wanly at his good friend. They continued packing together. Daniel's flight left later that day.
A/N: One more chapter planned for this story. All feedback much appreciated.
