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Here's chapter 3!
Chapter 3 The Dragonfly Inn Opening
The next day everyone arrived with awful hangovers. Jason Stiles ran up to Lorelai and began bugging her to get back together.
"Jason I am engaged to Luke and I'm carrying his child. I love him and I am freaking over you!!!" Lorelai spat into her coffee.
"So is that a yes?"
Suddenly a shot rang out.
Lorelai shrieked. Jason fell to the ground in a mass of cold blood. It was the opening of the inn and all Jason did to help was get the floor dirty.
Luke stood behind him, "What I don't have a gun!"
Lorelai raced up to him and kissed him fiercely, "I'm in love with you!"
Sonny Corinthos raced in. "Who shot my partner? Was it you?" Sonny pointed a gun at Luke.
"If you kill him, you'll have to kill me first!" Lorelai stepped in front of him to protect her man.
Jason Morgan came in "Sonny what's going on? I'm right here. Now you're going to have to go to court! We're supposed to protect your family!"
Ric came in "Look what we have here. Sonny I will finally lock you up, because I am better than you!"
"Who are you people?" Patrick Star roared above the confusion.
Red came in "Dumbasses! All of you!"
"Well I am the District Attorney of Port Charles." said Ric.
Lucky came in without a shirt. "Has anyone seen Emily?"
"Woo hoo! Is it hott in here or is it just you?" Lorelai exclaimed.
"Actually, it's chilly. I've got to go get the heat on with Em." Lorelai sobbed as Lucky and his Sexy Chest left.
Suddenly, with a glow of radiance, Jasper "Jax" Jacks walked in the inn. Every unworthy woman (all of them) was overwhelmed with all the wonder that is Jasper Jacks and passed out with a swoon on the ground.
"Kick-box!" Jax stated in his sexy Australian accent. Every woman did the Miss Congeniality Moment sign. All of the men rocked back and forth in a corner sobbing uncontrollably eating their hair.
Jax led Courtney to one of the Inn's private Honey Moon suits which was decorated with 1,000 romantic candles and rose petals. "Why don't you just let it?" He said sexily. They passionately made love. (Finally!)
"Dillon hates me because I forced my Perfect, Innocent, and Adorable cousin to kiss me to make him jealous even though I broke up with him in the first place and still have very sexual—ooh—feelings for him!" Georgie whined. The cast of Seinfeld took turns smacking her across the face.
Monk, Monica Bing, and Grandma Hayest walked in hand-in-hand and started cleaning everything and everyone in sight.
Lucy went into labor 8 months early and gave birth to 7 Siamese autistic elves named How, Come, Kevin, Doesn't, Love, Me, and Anymore.
Alice, the Quartermaine maid, kicked down the door that Kevin and Sam were having sex in.
"Lucy wants you to come down and see her new babies. You are the father, don't you remember?" Alice barked. "You are still devoted to her aren't you?"
"The only girl I'm devoted to is Sam. I love her with all my heart and I'm going to raise Lila." Kevin said.
"Jason could be carved in a rock and he wouldn't show any less emotion." Sam yelled.
Lucy ran upstairs. "Kevin here is your children!!!" She showed him 7 tiny elves with and a tube stuck out of each head. The babies were all attached by either a leg or arm. They all looked strangely like teletubbies on crack.
Kevin died.
"NOOOOOO!!!!!" Sam shrieked. She attacked Lucy and all the babies flew out the window and into Luke's truck.
"AW JEEZ!" Luke jumped a mile. Lorelai dropped her coffee and they stopped making-out long enough to see that the babies were dead.
Jack Sparrow sang a ballad about his rum. Suddenly, 7 Siamese tiny elf babies crawled over to his fanny pack and stole a bottle of rum. Before you knew it, you could see Jack Sparrow screaming wildly chasing after 7 drunken babies.
Tracy squealed, "I hate everyone!!!"
"Tracy, you're in pain." Edward explained calmly. Suddenly, Ric and Alexis rolled down the stairs neither of them wearing nothing but matching Leather swimsuits.
Michael and Morgan started a Save the Children campaign on the street corner to save them from their family.
Skye sits in a corner and realizes that she thinks Luke would look sexier as a Lion Tamer.
Lucy sobbed over her lost babies. How, Come, and Anymore came up to her and wiped her eyes. The babies were drunk so they put clothespins all over her. Lucy giggled and clapped her hands.
"Yes my hair is naturally blonde." Carly told Aragorn.
Sonny ate carrots on top of Lorelai's front desk. "How would you like to spend a weekend at the Island?" He asked fluttering his eyelashes.
"I'm with Luke, he's my Coffee Angel." Lorelai told him importantly. Sonny grabbed her and started making-out with her, Lorelai fiercely trying to pull away.
Carly got off of Aragorn's lap "Oh my God! We just got remarried!"
Alcazar came in wearing his scuba gear, and saw Carly alone. "Now's my chance!"
Lucy pounded her fist down on the desk, Kevin and Doesn't tugging on her hair. "I disapprove of infidelity and the mafia! It goes against my religion!"
"You two are great customers." Faith Rosco said to Pippin and Merry referring to the sale of the wigs. "I know another thing to sell you that I'm sure you'll enjoy." She caressed Merry's chest. Then, she turned to Pippin. She shoved him on a couch and leaned over him showing immense cleavage.
"Ooohh! Apples!" Pippin exclaimed. He took the 2 inside her bra and handed one to Merry as Faith pouted and walked off flat-chested.
Gandalf started sliding down all of the stair railings.
All the Quartermaines paraded through the inn.
The Flying Dutchman shot Jack Sparrow with snot from his left nostril again.
"Well, at least I have a career!" Lorelai screamed.
"No you don't." Carly said.
"Whose inn do you think you're standing in?"
"Your mom." Carly said obviously.
Sonny sped thru the inn in a shopping cart.
"You look like you think about it all the time!" Carly said to Matt Camden.
"ZOOOOOOMMMMM!" Sonny yelled obnoxiously.
"What were you doing? We were getting married, having a baby, and you go off kissing some mobster drug addict!" Luke yelled at Lorelai.
Sonny swung from the chandeliers, pounded his bare chest, and farted.
"He grabbed me after I told him I was devoted to you!" Lorelai cried.
"Nobody hurts my baby!" Luke howled. He grabbed 5 BB guns and shot them at Sonny's ass.
Sonny fell to the ground. The floorboards cracked and a huge whole opened up.
A talking purple hummer sped into the inn, the CWAA at the wheel. How, Come, Kevin, Doesn't, Love, Me, and Anymore were their newly ordained members.
Kelso did a one-man version of A Cinderella Story.
"I am Prince Cassadine, heir of the world!" yelled Nikolas, under Helena's control. "I am suing the inn so I can get more money!"
Lorelai sobbed. "No, my dream! Please no!"
Em ran in "Nikolas stop!"
Luke and Nikolas got into a mighty brawl.
"Dumbasses!" Red yelled.
Rory gathered all of the CWAA and started a story circle.
"This is the story of Jacques Fernandodelomanium JimmineyDurango and his conquest in the Mediterranean Sea. Now, sit quietly because there are 83,894,538,814,647,684,134,995,747,941,739,269,195 chapters." All of the children started throwing unripe grapefruit at her head.
Lucy and Arwen raced over to her. "Rory!! Their just jealous! No one has as much flair and expression as you!" Lucy whined.
"Rory of Stars Hollow, it is alright. My hope is with you. Ahhh! Your hands are feeling cold. Stay away from the light." Arwen said pleasantly.
Georgie ran around paranoid.
Courtney and Jax walked down the stair case hand in hand. They were getting married. It was a double wedding with Luke and Lorelai. At the bottom of the staircase, Jason stood as still as stone. They walked right past him. "That's a nice statue you have there Lorelai." Courtney complemented good-naturedly.
"Thanks!" she giggled girlishly. Jason blubbered as he walked to Courtney. He tried to kiss her, but Courtney punched him. "I'm in love with you!" she said to Jax.
Nikolas remembered everything. Helena fell in a ditch.
"Connor," Mary dressed as Scream said reflectively. She held up 10 gardening tools and ran around killing everyone. "Emily must die!!!"
Emily lit a fire under Mary's robe. "Flaming death!" Mary burst into flames.
Tracy began pinching Monica.
Kirk walked up and swept Mary's ashes into a dust pan.
Nikolas and Emily made love on Lorelai's desk.
Brooklyn sang to Lucas and they made-out.
Courtney tripped over a brick on the way down the aisle. "Dammit Jason!"
Jax caught her and said, "why don't you just let it?"
Kirk dressed as a priest greeted the happy couple at the front desk. He ripped a thorny rosebush out of his ass and planted it in the ground.
"We are gathered here today to unite this man and woman in the holy sanctification of matrimony. Will anyone object?" Kirk said reading monotonously from a Japanese phonics book.
The statue of Jason shattered.
Ric and Alexis walked in with 5,674 stuffed animals for Kristina and sat down to watch the ceremony.
The Siamese elves lifted up Lucy and threw her out the window.
Everyone was silent.
"You may now state your vows."
"Courtney you make me so happy and now I always smile 24 hours a day 7 days a week." Jax said, steam rising from his body.
Sookie burst into tears. Carly melted into a puddle of lava from the excessive heat of Jax.
"Help!" Sonny cried. He grabbed tons of popsicles from his ice-cream truck and dumped them on her. "Oooohhhh strawberry."
The CWAA brought in baked cookies for the reception.
"Anyway Courtney this bet was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I found you and I love you more than anything!" Jax then began to sing On the Way Down by Ryan Cabrera. Every female began to sob.
Courtney was hyperventilating as Jax handed her the $10 million dollar check. "But Jax I lost."
"This isn't even enough to be worthy of your love." Jax said, tears stinging his eyes.
"AWWWW!" gushed the crowd.
Sonny doubled over like a hyena laughing like a donkey, snot flying from his nose while snorting like a horse. "Do you all actually believe this bull!" He sat on his orange popsicle, "My buttocks is all wet!" he shrieked.
The crowd pointed their middle fingers and laughed politely.
"You wet your pants daddy." Michael informed him.
"Jason my son has betrayed me! Eliminate him!" Sonny ordered the block of cement on the table.
The CWAA raced off in the hummer.
"Attention please can I continue with the ceremony!" Kirk bellowed.
Gavin DeGraw showed up and started singing "I Don't Want to Be".
Peyton began building her club next door.
Haley and Nathan started making-out furiously. "I love you!" They sang to one another.
"ORDER!" Kirk yelled.
Everyone stopped. Well except for Dan who was asking Sonny to eliminate Lucas...
What will happen next? Will Courtney ever marry Jax? Will Lucas and Michael be okay? What will happen next to Lucy?!!
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