Hello all. Starting this on Tuesday so I'm going to not get to play bugger all on the weekend. Friday shall be my SW:TOR and League of Legends day. So, no sleep Friday or Saturday morning. My mind is gonna hate me all weekend.
But away from my gaming woes, the next thing in this section is the most important. Damnit all to hell the next thing is the most important thing in this entire damn series! Some may know what it is! Most will to be honest! It's the bit which gets the most thought and has the fewest lists dedicated to it (only one)! It's the
MOTHER-FUCKING PUN OF THE GODDAMN WEEK/CHAPTER/THING:
If you want to use Flash on iBlitzcrank, you have to lane with Jailbreak Graves.
SO MUCH HYPE!
The hype is dying down now!
Little bit less hype!
Little less!
No exclamation marks now.
No hype.
Well get HYPED BECAUSE THE CHAPTER IS GONNA BEGIN SOON!
WOO CHAPTER BEGINNING!
Chapter 34: Smackdown
Zoh POV
(22:00):
Either side of me were the two women I knew who never seemed to run out of subjects to talk about. They were also the only women I had ever known to be able to ignore me completely, no matter how brilliant my puns were. It felt like I wasn't even there most of the time, though I was reminded of my existence on occasion when Ahri smirked at something I added. Even then, I couldn't tell if she was reacting to something I said or just smiling.
After a while I did eventually decide that it wasn't worth my time so I started sharpening my axe. It wasn't like I needed to hear about clothes or feminism anyway, being two subjects which bored me beyond reason.
"So, Joy, where are you going to be staying tonight?"
"I guess I'll go stay at my Nan's or something. The League shouldn't know about her house."
"Why not stay here?"
"There are only three rooms and you all need sleep to do whatever you're doing tomorrow. Plus, it's not that far away."
"Won't the League know about it?"
"Nah, I told them she was dead a few weeks ago. Turns out it was just a temporary total-organ failure."
"Uhhh… Zoh, what does that mean?"
"Depends on the culture. Most of the time it is when all the organs in an organism's body fail at the same time. Is that the case here Joy?" I replied, temporarily putting down my axe and sharpening stone.
"Yeah, whatever he said."
I sneered at her intensely then got up and pulled all the other chairs, including the ones with Ahri and Joy sat on them, away from the table before flipping it over.
"Zoh what the hell!?" Ahri exclaimed.
"I've been nothing but nice and punny, yet you two have been ignoring me all day! Why? I don't even understand!"
"Of course you don't understand, you're just regular man." Joy replied.
"What the hell is that even supposed to mean!?"
"All you have shown today is that you are a part of the patriarchy. I thought you were different when we first met but I was clearly wrong."
"If I hadn't already flipped this table I would be flipping it right now! Want to know why? Cause you're making no sense!"
"I don't have to explain myself to you."
"You can't make a claim then not give any evidence! If people could do that the culture of this planet would be a ball of pure, condensed shit by now!"
"Oh so I'm stupid now? Doesn't that sound a bit sexist to you?"
"You're still making no sense! Fuck sake just piss off to your grandma or whoever-the-fuck is going to have to deal with you tomorrow before I flip the table onto your face!"
"Oh I will! I'm don't know how Ahri can bear to spend more than an hour with you!" She shouted while standing up quickly, knocking her chair over backwards as she did.
"I know why! My massive… yeah I'm not gonna say that!"
Ahri stood up calmly then turned to me.
"That's not the main reason."
She then looked over to Joy and put her hand next to her mouth to stop me seeing it.
"It's the muscles."
"They're pretty great, aren't they?" I joked while pulling various poses to show off my biceps.
"You're an idiot." Joy mumbled while walking out.
"Which one of us discovered how to create nuclear fusion and fission? Oh, look, it was me! Oh yeah, look at that, I also invented technological teleportation! What have you invented? An automated pencil-sharpener? No, that's probably too technical for the likes of you!" I declared while putting my middle finger up to her.
She returned the gesture before disappearing up the stairs.
"So… you two both seem very angry right now."
"Difference between us is I was joking."
"I would have gotten involved but I can't force myself to care right now."
"Tiredness is a bitch, right?"
"What's with all the swearing all of a sudden?"
"I'm still cooling down from that performance. Oh yeah and I've just got to check, you don't just like me for the muscles right?"
"Of course not."
"Good."
"They're pretty fantastic though…"
"So are your boobs but I don't talk about it all the time."
"They're not that great really. I'd say they're just above average."
I took a moment to look around and make sure no-one was around. Joy had only just left but Shen and Akali left a long time ago, at least four hours. Supposedly they were taking Shen to a trustworthy doctor after I ballsed up with my earlier attempt. How was I supposed to know the difference between morphine and liquid nitrogen?
Zed was, for unknown reasons, taking a vacation to the Freljord. The weirdest part of it was he left in just his helmet and swimming trunks.
When I was certain the coast was clear I picked two chairs up and sat in one as Ahri got onto the other.
"In all honesty, I think they're amazing. They're just far enough above average that they stand out yet not so large that they get in the way. Also, gloriously firm in the best possible way."
"Thanks, though I will probably always feel self-conscious about them. Especially when I see other women walking around with huge ones which bounce around all over the place… I think I might be bi."
"I think so too. Definitely not a bad thing, that."
"Yeah, I'll probably just think about that later. But back on the, admittedly strange, topic: I really don't get what you like about these."
"There's a few reasons really. First off, they're great fun to play with. Secondly, they make a very comfortable pillow. Third, all hugs are made better by them. Fourth, really nice to look at. Fifth reason, putting a certain something between them is a really nice experience. Sixth-"
"Zoh, I get the idea."
"-They're also nice to suck on."
"Okay, okay, okay! So they have a lot of uses, but I don't see what's so special about mine."
"The more the merrier. In this case, the more mass the merrier sex."
"Is this what you're like when you are really, really tired?"
"Yep."
"I think I'm starting to like it."
"Well if you want I'll just be like this all the time."
"How about just when we are alone?"
"It's a plan. What do you want to do now?"
"Just to be safe we'll stay up until Shen and Akali get back to make sure they're okay. In the meantime you can put the table back up."
I reached down and grabbed the edge of the table then flipped it over. When the legs hit the stone ground they made an un-healthy sound multiple times as it bounced around. It settled in mostly the right place so I put my elbow on it and propped my head up with my hand.
"That was quite well done. Now, is there any other part of me that you would like to talk about while we wait?"
"... You got a really nice ass…"
"Good to know."
"Stunning figure in general really. Beautiful face, lovely hair and amazing eyes. Plus, you know my thoughts on your foxy parts."
"So basically you can't find any fault with me physically?"
"Yeah. And trust me, I've had plenty of time to look."
"I would suggest that we go into another room so I could let you look a bit closer but I'm far too tired to bother."
"Oh thank the universe. Honestly I was afraid you would suggest that exact thing and I'd pass out half-way through."
"Now you get how I felt when you were gone. No sleep sucks balls."
"I've gone without sleep as well. Last time I did this I had coffee though. So much coffee. Like, I invented the cargo-plane just so they could send me more coffee."
"When and why?"
"Few years ago. I'd just got really smart and I had more ideas than I had time to work on them in the day."
"That can't be healthy."
"Just after that was when I developed a minor blood-lust. Managed to supress that until I found those Noxians ages ago."
"I thought you had that your whole life?"
"Nope. If I said that I was lying and I don't lie often."
"I don't think you said it. Just assumed that sort of thing started early."
"Nah. It is simply an unfortunate side-effect of multiple scientific failures."
"What do you mean by 'scientific failures'? Oh, and examples please."
"You know, doing science or inventing something and having it blow up, ignite, dissolve, disintegrate or just straight-up not work. As for an example… hmm… you know when I tried to make an automatic egg-boiler at three AM? That simply didn't work and I could not find sufficient reason to work out the problem."
"Actually that's something I have always wondered. Why can't you make something like that work instantly but you can make a teleporter or a sun-freezer or an earthquake-maker or whatever else work ninety per cent of the time?"
"Earthquake-maker… I like that idea… anyway never mind that. A lot of the things which I make now are things I have created successfully previously. Like the ever-useful teleporter. If you knew how many times I nearly died trying to make that you would slap me for risking my life so much in so short a time."
"I might do that just from a guess of how many."
"Please no."
She reached over and slapped me relatively softly compared to other slaps I had received over my life.
"Aww." I mumbled while rubbing my cheek.
"That's what you get for risking your life without being able to see into the future to realise I would be mad at you for it."
"I suppose I deserve another for not realising you existed until I got to Runeterra."
"Absolutely. You're just lucky that made my hand go red enough for me to think it wasn't worth it."
"If it would make you feel any I could investigate why that happens."
"You don't know?"
"Hey, I'm only twenty. How many of the world's mysteries do you expect me to have solved?"
"Sorry for having high expectations of a super smart, strong guy with tons of free time from a rich family."
"I don't have tons of free time."
"You did."
"I had some. Most of my time was spent zapping people with shock paddles."
"Oh really? How long were you in the military for?"
"Pff! Like… some time… more than a while but less than an age… yeah… uh huh… okay it was somewhere in the area of a year…"
"See? That's bugger all."
"Okay look: I didn't want to invent and discover stuff back in the Empire. I don't want to do that now. None of the governments here can be trusted any more than the other ones I've come across."
"What's wrong with them?"
"If you look at them, barely any of the governments here are completely neutral and democratic. The closest this place has is Piltover and anything I gave to them would be shared with Demacia, and we both know how quickly that would destroy the political balance here."
"Why do you invent anything at all if you won't share it with people?"
"Power darkens the lightest of souls. Imagine giving a gun to one person in a village. How is that village supposed to function when one person has so much power over all the others?"
"So why not give what you have to everyone?"
"All that would achieve would be to make the wars bloodier and the peace shorter."
"Surely there is something you could do to make the world better."
"When I've worked out the perfect method, everyone will be getting the cures for everything. As for weapons, I am going to destroy all the ones I have ever made at some point. They've never been used for peacekeeping despite my best efforts so what's the point of 'em?"
"Honestly I'm surprised you made weapons in the first place. Even with a bit of uh… 'persuasion' let's call it."
"Let's talk about something else. This is just bringing back bad memories."
"How about we even things up by talking about your body for a bit?"
"Sounds fun for my ego. Where do you want to start?"
"With your arms, which are lovely by the way. I can see your biceps shirt your shirt and jacket sleeves. You're not even doing anything with them and I can see!"
"These are my rewards for spending weeks at a time working out just beyond the edge of the universe. Worth." I jested before flexing then kissing his muscles.
"I'd say. Although your other muscles are just as fantastic. Especially the abs. So good…" Ahri marvelled while attempting to occupy her hands with things to do, presumably to supress the urge to touch my stomach like she usually did.
"Actually I meant to ask about that but there was never a good time, what is it with you and my stomach muscles?
"They're just so nice to play with… I can't help but feel them. It's only something I've felt recently so chances are the whole thing is just a phase but it is a damn good phase if you ask me."
"Oh, well, feel free to touch them any time you want. What's mine is yours and vice versa." I mentioned before undoing the buttons on my jacket and pulling it back to my sides.
"I… ugh… can I…" She stuttered before reaching out and sliding her hand down my stomach.
"You didn't give me time to undo my shirt as well but... whatever I suppose."
"They're so good! I can feel them perfectly through your shirt… Nice shirt by the way."
"It should be nice. You were the one who spent hundreds of gold on it."
"Oh yeah."
"Are you done yet?"
She retracted her hand and blushed slightly.
"Sorry if I overdid it."
"It's fine, really. Just save it for when we're not somewhere so public."
"Pretty sure I got the habit from Akali anyway so I doubt those two would care."
"Certainly. However, Zed might decide it reason enough to go murder a bunch of people if he were to enter the room and find us doing that."
"That guy is a bit of a psycho sometimes. Remember how we first met him? Bit odd for all involved really."
"Indeed. But he is very useful and, at least for now, dedicated so I'm willing to give him my trust for the time being."
"If you trust him I'll follow suit. Your judgement is generally good."
A moment later I heard the sound of approaching footsteps coming from outside. From the sound of it Akali and Shen were walking normally so the doctor must have done the ninja some good. Ahri's ears were already perked up and she looked interested. I turned around just as the two got to the bottom of the stairs. Akali still had Shen's arm over her shoulders but he did seem to be finding walking a lot easier than before so clearly it was a success.
They both nodded in our direction before going immediately to their room. It had been a tiring day for all of us and I decided it was about time to retreat to bed.
"Come on Ahri. I've got to think up a plan and you want to feel my stomach some more so let's go sleep."
The next morning (10:40 10th June):
As if staring into the infinite void was not enough. It just had to get worse. The universe without stars was creepy, but the space far below me being suddenly filled with a planet-sized ball of rotting body parts was a step beyond horrifying. From a distance I could see the surface was covered in rivers of blood and out-reaching arms that all seemed to be pointing in my direction. A great amount of dread came over me when I realised I was in a vacuum with no space suit. Without daring to take my eyes away from the planet I checked all my pockets but found nothing.
In an instant I was out of breath completely and flying at incredible speed towards the planet. I blinked and was lying on the grotesque pile of death. Despite my best efforts I could not force a scream of fear to come out of my mouth when arms started grabbing me. My arms and legs felt so weak I could barely move, let alone fight back.
When I finally gave in and accepted my inevitable doom the disembodied limbs which made up the ground under my face disappeared, revealing Ahri's crying face.
"Why did you let this happen?"
Finally I mustered the power to shout "No!" while moving in the only way which worked, forward. My eyes shot open and I found myself surrounded by the stone walls of our room. Sweat covered me all over and I was completely out of breath. My heart was trying to smash its way out of my chest and tears were forming in my eyes.
I desperately searched the room with my eyes until I found Ahri sitting up next to me, looking extremely worried.
"Oh my god Zoh what happened?"
Relief was the only positive thing I had felt in what seemed like an incredibly long time. I wiped the sweat from my forehead and the tears from my eyes then hugged Ahri like I had not seen her in years.
"Just a really, really bad dream."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"No. I don't want to concern you with it."
"How am I supposed to help if you won't talk about it with me?"
"It's not important."
"Zoh, it's important to me."
I let go of her and pulled away before turning then sitting on the edge of the bed. Ahri moved over and sat next to me.
"Alright, so I was floating in space but all the stars were gone or invisible or something, I don't know. Before I could tell what was happening a planet made of horrific, rotten body parts appeared far below me. It had oceans and rivers of blood and arms which all pointed at me. That's when I realised I was in space with nothing on but my suit. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse I started choking from lack of air then began flying towards the planet. I was teleported to the surface but for the love of everything I couldn't cry for help or ask what was happening or make any noise at all. My arms and legs felt like they had just been disconnected from the rest of me. Just in time for the arms I mentioned before to start grabbing me all over. At that point I had no way of fighting back and my mind was fully ready to give up and die but before anything could end it the body parts which made up the ground beneath my head disappeared revealing a face."
"Who's face?"
"Yours. At that moment I wasn't just willing to die, I wanted to. The only words you said before it ended were 'Why did you let this happen?' Then, I shouted and woke up."
Ahri grabbed my head and hugged it close to her chest. My breath was just starting to slow to a normal pace but my chest was still pounding, mostly because my face was now resting on her breasts.
"It's okay Zoh… it was just a bad dream…"
"I know but what it represents is too possible for me to ignore. What if I mess up and everyone I know die as a result? And there's nothing I can do to prevent it…"
"You're not going to let me or anyone else down. I know so because we're going to win this then get back to our normal, safe lives. You won't even have a chance to fail."
"How do you know if we will win or not?"
"Because we have friends backing us up. And three of those friends are ninja's. How can we lose?"
"It's you I'm worried most about."
"I'll be fine as long as you're protecting me. And you don't plan to stop doing that, do you?"
"That's not something I'm planning on giving up any time soon."
"Well then, I'm the safest person alive."
I wrapped my arms around her then dropped back, taking Ahri with me. She pulled me against her using her tails and kissed me on the top of my head. I kissed her boob, getting a quiet purr from her just as someone knocked on the doorway.
"Guys, get up if you can. We've almost got a plan." Akali explained from outside.
"Alright just give us a couple minutes." Ahri answered while stroking my head calmly.
"This isn't the normal way round." I noted just before she pulled my legs up onto the bed then let go of me. She sat on my pelvis and immediately the situation felt more familiar than before.
"Better?"
"I wasn't complaining but this is nice too. Can't decide whether this view is better than the other or not."
"I'm more comfortable here so I ain't moving back if you decide you prefer the other one."
"While you know I hate to disappoint you, we do have to get up now."
"Hey Akali." Ahri exclaimed while turning her head to look at the doorway.
"Alright." Was all the reply we got back before the sound of some muffled talking, followed by receding footsteps.
Ahri looked back to me just as Zed walked in holding a door, a bolt-gun and some bolts for said gun. He ignored us completely as he bolted the doorframe into the doorway and opened the door a few times to test it.
"I have acquisitioned this item from the stockpile outside for the positive effects it has on the mental well-being of the rest of the group. If you have an issue of query with this decision then please bring it up to myself, Shen or Akali. Attached to the door is the list of reasons for our decision which I recommend you consult before bringing it up with any of the previously mentioned people."
He bowed his head politely then left, closing the door behind him.
"Looks like we just got some spare time." Ahri purred while shuffling around on top of me. She ran her fingers up and down my stomach and chest painfully slowly, leaving me wondering where she was actually going.
"I can see the anticipation on your face." She giggled while dropping her head down to kiss me, still drawing invisible lines on my chest with her fingers. I put a hand on her back to dissuade her from pulling away but after a few seconds she did anyway, though Ahri did do her usual thing of keeping her face incredibly close to mine afterwards. A few of her tails kept my hand on the same place of her back as she moved around. Seconds later she appeared to think about something for a moment before a look of joy crossed over her face.
"So, you know how we have some extra time right now? I just had an idea that could probably fill it. If you're up for it, that is."
"Depends what 'it' is."
"I'm sure you'll like it but I don't want to describe it."
"Why?"
"It's just a bit…"
"Awkward?"
"Yeah, I suppose. We've stuck to the same thing for so long it feels a bit weird."
"Just try it and if I don't like it I'll probably swear violently."
She gave me a quick kiss before taking my arm off her back and moving backwards. I had no idea what she was doing until she put my manhood in-between her breasts.
"Ooh I see what you're getting at."
A while later (12:30):
Ahri was just getting back from the shower when Akali started explaining the plan that we had so far:
"So what we managed to agree on is, we go into the town and kill or capture any Summoners we find then, to build some good will, we give the townsfolk something. Simple enough, right?"
"Yeah. But what are we going to give them?"
"That's your area of expertise so if you would be so kind as to add some details to the plan it would be appreciated." Shen replied while scratching the bandages over his wound.
"There's not really much that I could give them which wouldn't cause problems… let me think on it." I requested, making a few hand-gestures which didn't really relate to what I was saying.
Ahri took a seat between me and Zed then rested her head on my shoulder while grabbing my arm lightly with both hands. I looked at her and smiled, only just realising that somewhere along the line she had found the time to sort her hair back into its normal state.
I reached over with my free hand and scratched the back of one of her fox-ears. Ahri let out a quiet moan and pretty much collapsed onto my shoulder. I almost tipped over but thankfully Ahri was not that heavy and I managed to regain my balance quickly enough.
What I didn't realise while dealing with Ahri was that the other three had been putting effort into the plan. The ninja's all appeared to be working well together but would occasionally look over to me, probably wondering if I had thought up an idea for what to give to the village.
A moment later an idea popped into my mind just in time for Zed to notice my look of happiness.
"I've got an idea. It might even be a good one!"
Some planning and walking later (15:50):
A weak drizzle of rain was dropping down on our heads as we walked the road, heading towards a small village with a stone wall just slightly too high to climb. The area around the village was covered by a swampy forest for miles around. Clearly it was not a very nice place, as even Ahri wasn't enjoying the nature. Akali and Shen didn't seem to care and I was sure that, wherever he was, Zed was equally as unbothered.
A few Noxian guards were either side of the gate to the town and more still were patrolling the top of the wall. The gates were closed but I was willing to bet that inside was equally as well defended. Strange, considering the village was only a few hundred metres from side to side.
We got within about a hundred metres of the village gate when I leaned back and looked over in Akali's direction. A few of Ahri's tails were in the way so I pushed them closer to Ahri's back.
"Hey, Akali?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you going to tell me what we do about the guards? I doubt they're going to like a group of wanted criminals walking in."
"Don't worry, Zed's got it covered."
"And I suppose I will just have to trust him then?"
"No. Trust ME because I made the plan."
"All I'm saying is: if we all get killed, I'm blaming you and Zed."
"I can live with that."
I let Ahri's tails go and leaned forward. Of all the complaints I had of the situation, the minor back ache was not the main one. Instead, it was either being kept in the dark over the exact details of the plan or the terrible stench coming from the swamp. Although in all fairness, the rain was just about strong enough to be annoying.
We got within a few metres when suddenly Zed appeared in the air above one of the guards on the wall. He dropped onto the guards shoulders, knocking the man to the floor immediately. He picked the man's unconscious body up and threw it down on the guards to the right of the main gate. They shouted in surprise, then anger when they realised what happened and who the culprit was. Zed laughed at them then disappeared. From inside the village came more shouting and laughing before the guards outside decided it was enough for them to be needed inside. They opened the gate and rushed in.
Through the crack in the door I could just barely see Zed beating people up mercilessly, breaking bones and stabbing non-lethally left, right and centre. We all sped up to a run as Zed started retreating away from the centre of the town, taking a considerable number of guards with him. I got to the door first and threw it open in time for everyone else to run in. The timing was perfect as the local contingent of Summoners all walked out of a building not far away. I couldn't help but feel slightly happy to see Ezreal following them out.
Almost immediately they noticed us and ran in our direction to engage. The ninja's and Ahri dived into battle without a second thought but I stayed back a moment to think up a tactical plan. It wasn't long before I came up with the idea to just send tactics to the wind and punch Ezreal in the face.
I couldn't believe my luck when he appeared a few metres from me and started firing his bow-thing in my direction. Most of the energy bolts pinged off harmlessly but a few left burn-marks on my armour and made it rather uncomfortable inside. I grabbed my axe from my side and threw it at him, only for him to arcane shift away at the last moment. He continued firing his bow at me but I simply shrugged it off and ran over to my axe to pick it up. When I reached for it my weapon was picked up by Ezreal and thrown away. The shots continued from right in front of me as I shook my head and sighed.
"You can't fight skill like this!" He declared with a laugh.
"Shut up or I'll hurt you."
"That's what your da- I mean your mum said! While I was banging her!"
"Wha… what? Really? That is PAINFULLY unfunny. And it barely even makes sense."
"Neither did he- I mean she!"
"I think you might be repressing your true nature. Look, after I've kicked the shit out of you I suggest that you go see Taric and simply see how it goes. Alright?" I responded before stamping on his foot, immediately following with a backhand smack to his face. He was clearly incapable of fighting from just that but I grabbed his collar and punched him a few more times just for my personal satisfaction. I thought for a moment then kicked him in the nuts before letting him drop to the floor.
After a second of standing around feeling good about myself I walked over to my axe and picked it up. The fight was still raging between my friends and the Summoners so I decide the best way for me to contribute would be to pick up some rocks and start throwing.
The first one I threw hit a Summoner on the shoulder but the second hit the same one in the head. I did a little fist-pump of satisfaction then picked another rock off the floor and threw it at another Summoner. Unfortunately, it hit Ahri on the back. She turned around and saw me.
"What the hell was that for?"
"That… was not my best throw ever. Continue on I'll just uh… go do the next bit of the plan…"
She sneered at me and shook her head while throwing her orb through a Summoner. I jogged over to the centre of town and pressed the hologram button on my helmet. The heads-up display appeared so I pressed some of the options on it until I found the thing I wanted. The safe-sex button.
I pressed it and another which would, if it worked properly, instantly put a speaker next to every one of the town's population. After a tap on my helmet to make sure everything was working I began:
"Hello everyone! How's it going? Oh yeah you can't reply… never mind! So then, you may be wondering what that thing that just appeared next to you does. Not the speaker, the other thing. Well, you can call it what you want really. It has two main uses, which I will detail after saying the things you shouldn't do with it. First off, don't use it as a balloon. That's gross. Second, don't re-use it. That makes it redundant. Third, don't put it on the wrong way. That also makes it redundant. Okay then now that's all out of the way, the good stuff. Essentially what this thing does is prevents the spread of all known Sexually Transmitted Diseases and it also stops the ladies from getting pregnant. Pretty useful, right? Essentially it means that you will all stop dropping dead from certain deadly, deadly, horrid, disgusting microorganisms AND you can have sex without making babies! That's one more hobby you can pick up without having to worry about annoying little bastards. Disclaimer though, before you use it make sure to read the instructions on the side. That way you won't balls it up and make it useless? Alright? Also, before I go, you can go to Piltover and get these for next to nothing so if you lot run out then just go over there and get some more. This message has been brought to you by me on behalf of Ahri, Akali, Shen, Zed and the other champions who got kicked out recently. Other than that, just stay inside your houses for a minute. There's still some fighting and I'm pretty sure you're all getting tea right now. Oh wait you don't call it that here. Uh… hold on it is… dinner! Yes! That! I think. Oh balls I'm babbling. Goodbye I suppose."
I pressed the speaker button again. I wasn't going to be giving away a bunch of speakers any time soon. They were still possibly useful.
When all was done I pressed the button on the side of my helmet and turned around to see the fight finished. Ahri was looking up at me with an eyebrow raised as Akali and Shen ran off to help Zed.
"What the hell kind of speech was that?"
"That was my kind of relaxed speech. Trust me when I say that if I wanted to I could have made a lovely speech. In fact, I wrote the speeches for a politician who went from one per cent in a previous election to over eighty per cent in the most recent one."
"So why not do that here?"
"I didn't have time to write a nice speech. You can tell when I have pre-planned a speech when there's tons of puns included."
"But you're terrible at puns."
"Bad puns are better than good puns."
She shook her head then started jogging away to help Shen, Akali and Zed who were fighting a huge amount of guards.
"I expect a very nice speech later explaining why you threw a rock at me."
"Yeah I suppose that's fair." I mumbled while pulling out my axe and following in Ahri's footsteps.
As we fought through the group of guards I started to worry that people we had knocked out earlier would start waking up. It was taking far too long for my personal tastes but Akali had planned for everything else so I guessed this was all going well in her mind.
Clearly, I was right to trust in her plan as mere moments after I started having worries a smoke bomb rolled down a slanted roof and dropped into the middle of the fight. It shrouded us all in a thick cloud but I could see well enough to realise which way to start running. As I ran more bombs dropped to the floor, exactly where we were running. I had no idea when Akali found the time to put all of those in place and I had even less clue as to how she timed them all so perfectly.
One side effect of the smoke bombs was that when I reached the gate I smashed right through it, sending splinters all over the place. It barely broke my stride but I was a bit concerned that the pieces of wood might injure my friends.
We eventually emerged from the smoke and found ourselves back on the road, surrounded by swamp. Zed got on the ground and pulled open a stone hatch which led to an underground tunnel. It was very well camouflaged on the cobble-stone road, but I didn't exactly have time to admire the workmanship.
"Everyone get in. I think I angered many of them greatly." Zed demanded with a hint of satisfaction in his voice. Clearly he had enjoyed himself without even having to kill a single person.
The rest of the group went down the hatch as I got out of my armour. I jumped down behind them, closing the hatch as I went.
That was such a long tunnel.
Later (19:00):
Of Shen's many skills, a world-class barbeque-artist was not one I attributed to him when we first met. He did it all with an uncharacteristic level of style and flair, yet the food he made was still incredibly good. I would have felt inadequate if it wasn't such a specific skill. And, of course, I had Ahri clutching my arm lovingly. Apparently I was still good with speeches.
As Shen flipped burgers in the background I felt Ahri tug on my arm. She was pointing at something but I only found out what when I followed her arm to the sun setting over the trees. Above it were the previously-grey clouds which had once dropped rain onto our heads. They were painted a beautiful orange by the setting sun, only adding to the serenity of the scene. I looked up just to check and found that a few of the brighter stars were beginning to appear in the sky.
That was always the best time of the day for me. Look on one side of the sky and you could find the last light of day. Look to the other and you could see the beginnings of the night sky, only just appearing as the sky darkened. Look straight up and you could find the border between the two.
My fox-friend also looked to be enjoying the scene. I could not think of a place I would rather be. Friends were with me, the world was appearing particularly beautiful, I had a sense of pride from helping the village and the love of my life was holding me close.
That was all I could really ask for. And it was all I really wanted.
Aight. I'm tired. This gonna be short.
Told you so.
Hope you all enjoyed that even if it was rather late. I know, I'm an awful human being. How dare I release a chapter of a fanfiction a whole three days later than I said I would.
So bye. And sorry.
