Hello.
So, wasn't expecting that, were you? You probably thought 'oh, everyone will be fine really. Zoh can't lose, he is OP'. Nah.
Anyway, the plot-twist is over and now we can move on.
Change log:
-End-of-chapter notes are back.
-More descriptions of character movements during conversation (to make it easy to keep track of who's doing what)
-Changed the way I use ':' when writing about someone speaking. Instead of using it and moving on to a new line, the speech will follow immediately after it.
-PLAYING WITH TIME
Now, for something jokey: What happened when Cho'Gath tried to ult Gragas? He started Cho'king.
And now, for something titely:
Chapter 49: Spooked
Bloody hell that hurt. Pain coursed through me as a gentle wind blew over my body. It felt like acid had been thrown over me and badly washed off. Every nerve in my body screamed in anguish as I tried to shield myself from the cold air.
Eventually, the pain started to fade. With great effort, I opened my eyes. It was bright enough to hurt my eyes but I didn't have the strength to do anything more than squint. When I was adjusted enough, I saw the craggy, rock ceiling. I had no recollection of that place, so I struggled up to a sitting position. My neck clicked as I turned it to scan my surroundings. It was a barren, badly mined room.
I grabbed onto one of the wooden support beams and got to my feet. There was nothing in the room so I limped to the only exit. Before I could begin climbing the stairs to reach the light at the end, I bumped into a Summoner. He shoved me to the ground and dropped a pickaxe at my feet.
"Dig."
My armour was gone and all I had to cover me was a pair of tattered, brown trousers. I was in no state to fight.
"Anything I should be mining for in particular?"
He delivered a single, short zap to my chest before restating: "Dig."
"Alright! Fine! God damn…" I exclaimed while standing to my feet, grabbing the pickaxe on the way up. I turned and picked a spot on one of the walls. It was on the wall to the left of the exit. Hopefully, it would give me a moment of extra reaction time in case a Summoner came in to see what I was doing. Slacking-off would be a common occurrence.
The Summoner left as I began digging. The rocks crumbled quite easily as I chipped away at the wall. It was painfully monotonous. I was already considering quitting and I had only just managed to make a dent big enough for me to fit into. But still, I persevered. Mostly because I had bugger-all else to do, but also because I didn't want to be shocked again. Plus, it was an easy thing to do while I thought aloud.
"If I'm here, what the hell happened to everyone else? That lightning fucked me up really well so I can't imagine Ahri is doing too great right now."
I shook my head and stopped mining for a moment as I pushed some unpleasant thoughts from my mind.
"If she's gone I'm crashing this planet into a star." Again, I paused for a moment before continuing: "Note to self: work out a way to crash this planet into a star."
I had absolutely no clue how I would achieve that. Without access to my armour or any other resources, it was definitely going to be a challenge. I'd have to haphazardly throw together some sort of teleportation device so that I could go retrieve some stuff from one of my research centres.
"Actually, I'll have to do that either way." I realised as I continued mining away. Already, I had made a hole a few metres deep. I hadn't found anything of worth yet, just a bunch of light-grey stone.
I continued digging and planning for a while. I assumed that I'd get food and stuff but there was nothing to guarantee that.
The lack of something to properly focus on made me acutely aware of how dull it was down there. Everything was the same grey and it was all illuminated by the same yellow light. There was no smell what-so-ever and an ever-present chill stopped me from being particularly warm but the natural warmth and physical exertion prevented me from being too cold.
It was so. Damn. Boring.
Things did begin looking up when I struck a piece of stone near my feet. Suddenly, the ground crumbled away and I shouted: "Oh shit!" in surprise as I fell. Thirty-odd feet of falling later, I smacked into the harsh, stone floor.
"Why does everything have to hurt so much these days?" I questioned to no-one in particular as I pushed myself up. I found myself in a huge, dark room. Pillars lined the walls and one half was elevated above the other by a few metres. A stone altar was at the top and a narrow staircase led up to it. The only light came from the hole in the ceiling I had created. There was a doorway behind me which led into an impossibly-dark hallway. Suits of ancient armour were lined up against the walls. Some were knocked over, some were damaged and some were gone altogether, the only indication of them ever existing being the wooden stand they had once sat on.
I stepped along the tattered, red carpet that led from the doorway, up the stairs and to the altar. I would have really appreciated some of the torches that lined the walls to be lit, but that was not a luxury I had.
A nagging suspicion entered my mind that the room was more intricately decorated than I realised. Unfortunately, it was bathed in shadows.
I scaled the staircase cautiously. The carpet was not secured onto them at all and deep, long cracks littered the steps. Pebbles fell to the ground below as the stepped up the last few feet. I very slowly approached the altar and took in its details. The base was a rectangular slab of stone about as tall as my waist. Each corner held a candle, all of which had long-since melted away. In the centre of it was a silver ornament shaped like a twelve-pointed star with a cross in the centre. If that was all, it would have been a very average religious symbol. Unfortunately, dark green tendrils that rose from the ground had impaled the altar in multiple places, curved and curled around the ornament in the middle.
Tentatively, I reached out and touched one of the tendrils. It was wet and sticky, but I could tell they hadn't moved in quite some time. Just how they had remained that way eluded me entirely, but my attention couldn't stay on them long when a gust of wind blew into the room from behind me. I turned to see, from the carpet, it was coming from the doorway. It was accompanied by a distant, impossibly quiet sound that was most alike to wailing.
"Well, I am not even considering the possibility of thinking about going THAT way. Guess I shall just go back the way I came."
I stared up to get an idea of how to get back when I saw the Summoner staring down at me from the hole.
"Go." He pointed to the doorway.
"I'm going to have to politely decline. I've been in my share of horror movies but this is something entirely different. I wouldn't be surprised if there's a creepy-pasta about this place."
"Go." He raised his hand and pointed at me. Quickly, I understood what he was threatening to do so I grew some balls and conceded.
"Fine. But at least throw me down a torch or something. I can't go spelunking without light."
He clicked his fingers and all of the torches in the room lit up. Immediately, he was gone again.
"Right, thanks."
I stared around the room and took in the new-found detail. Murals were on every wall depicting battle scenes and holy people. I didn't really think much of it as I went down the stairs and to the side of the room, picking up a torch from its holder when I got there. With one eye kept firmly on the doorway, I took a closer look at the nearest mural.
Fifty thousand years earlier:
Ravik stood alone on the upper-most floor of his spire, staring proudly his life's work. His great accomplishment. His army of demons.
Years spent building his power base, learning the rituals, making the pacts. All of it had been building up to that moment when he could look over his legions from miles above and laugh. As maniacally as possible. It was good. He'd practiced.
A lot.
After an uncomfortably long laugh, he petered out awkwardly. A few coughs later, he picked up a nearby demonology book and began reading:
"My undead minions yada, yada, yada… I call you forth… do my bidding faithfully and with conviction aaaaaaand… oh yeah, go invade the thing over there." He pointed in the direction of a city that was barely visible on the horizon.
"We've already killed all their spear-dudes and sword-dudes and all so just go… do the things… I don't know what the fuck you guys do honestly, just go do it to them."
A few of the demons stared around at each other with confusion on their faces until, eventually, they just shrugged and started leading the hordes of demonic warriors in the general direction of the city. As they disappeared into the still-on-fire forest, Ravik put his hands on his hips and stared over the mountain ranges with a proud look on his face: "I am the best summoner ever. In fact, I should trademark the word 'summoner' so only I can use it. PHIL!"
Ravik turned to face his assistant and took a few cautionary steps further into his lair. Have a spire that went above the clouds as a fortress was cool, but the lack of windows was a serious safety concern.
The summoner stood there in the same cocky pose for a little while before the waiting got too much and he sat down on one of the many sofas in the room. He had yet to bother to remove all of the extra sofas. They were supposed to be for concubines from his conquests, however he had found that demons were not very good with the command 'do not kill the pretty ones'.
"Phil! Hurry up!"
From the staircase beyond the doorway came a distant voice: "I'm going as fast as I can god damnit! This is why I said you should have used portals or an elevator!"
"Portals were out of the budget and elevators don't exist yet!"
"They wouldn't be out of the budget if you didn't spend it all on luxury sofas!"
"Don't blame me for being optimistic about the number of women I would receive for this!"
"You can't say that, it's sexist and stuff!"
Ravik retorted while jumping up from the sofa to emphasise his anger: "It's thousands of years ago, I'm allowed to be sexist!"
"No you're not! What if someone makes a story or paints a picture about this! Then you'll look bad!"
"Why do I give a shit if I look bad, I have an army of demons?!"
Suddenly, a humanoid fish burst through the door and pointed one of its flippers at Ravik: "You remember mister, I'm not just your assistant! I'm also the PR guy!"
"When and why did that happen?"
"It's for tax reasons."
"Oh yeah, now it all makes sense. I'm talking to my PR fish-man about taxes." He sighed: "I should've just become a baker."
"Would have been much easier to do PR for a baker…" Phil mumbled while sitting down on the edge of a sofa and pulling out a pen and paper: "So, why am I up here?"
"Can we trademark the word 'summoner'?"
"Under the current laws, we could. The issue is, you had the Trademark Registry Office burned to the ground last week."
"Oh yeah…"
Ravik scratched his shoulder then went over to the wall-less side to see how his minions were doing. They hadn't emerged from the opposite side of the burning forest yet, however there was something very odd indeed that caught his eye immediately. The ground around the base of his spire had turned completely white for miles around and was visibly moving in some places. He couldn't make out any details as it was so far down and he was so far up.
Slightly more confused than before, he strolled back into the centre-area of his room, twirling some hanging ribbons that were attached to his robes as he went. When he sat down, he stared at his fish-man-assistant: "Do we have any real enemies left to kill?"
"No, just a bunch of civilian cities."
"What about the necromancer I pissed off a few days ago?"
"I'm almost certain I remember you killing that guy in a cocaine-induced rage."
"All I really did was remove all his organs, flesh and skin. He might have survived."
"He'd literally be just a skeleton in a dress."
"That sounds rather…" Ravik began before darting his head to look at the doorway. A faint sound was coming from the stairs. "… Dooty…"
Suddenly, a living skeleton burst into the room wielding a club.
"SPOOKY SCARY SKELETONS SEND SHIVERS DOWN YOUR SPINE!" it sang while charging Phil. Immediately, it began beating the fish-man to death while continuing: "SHRIEKING SKULLS WILL SHOCK YOUR SOUL, SEAL YOUR DOOM TONIGHT!"
Ravik looked on at the scene with an expression of complete and utter confusion plastered over his face. After a few moments, Phil was nothing more than a bloody pulp and the skeleton was going a victory dance. It continued singing as it ran towards Ravik. All he had to do was push it slightly to make the animated corpse fell apart.
"I thought I stopped doing shrooms…" He remarked before a wave of skeletons flooded into the room. Within seconds they were filling the entire room from the floor to the ceiling. None of them actually attacked Ravik, but after a minute he was pushed out of the spire because the entire room was full of nothing but skeletons flailing about and singing.
Despite having fulfilled their objective, more skeletons kept piling into the room, pushing their fellows out. A steady flow of bones fell from the spire, raining on the skeleton army below.
Present day:
"I get the reference here, but why the hell is it on a mural in a crypt?"
My answer came swiftly as I noticed movement at the door. About a dozen living-skeletons rushed into the room with various weapons, approaching me the moment they located me.
Remembering the story, I approached the closest one and shoved him weakly backwards. He practically exploded apart, bones flying into the air. A few of the pieces hit the other skeletons who were closing in quickly. They too exploded and within a matter of seconds they had all killed each other. The only damage I sustained was a shin-bone to the face.
I tried to say something but, in my bewilderment, all that came out was some mumbled grunts. Before I could get a chance to properly vocalise my confusion, another skeleton strode into the room without a weapon. Instead, he held a cup with '1# best minion' written on the side in a bad pop-art style. I rubbed my eyes to make sure I was seeing this all correctly.
"Hello Mr. New Dark Overlord!" He greeted while flinging the cup over his shoulder. The skeleton was only a few feet away when he stopped and put his hand out: "I'm your new minion of evil!"
"I have multiple questions."
"The Q and A segment is later! If you'll follow me, we will begin with the tour."
"No! Stop for a moment. What the hell is going on and why are we persisting with this reference?"
"THE Q AND A SEGMENT IS LATER." He restated before turning away from me and strolling back the way he came. Curiosity overpowered my better judgement, so I grabbed a nearby torch and followed him. Along the way to the door, I took the pickaxe in case I needed it.
My skeletal tour-guide strolled through the doorway without a moment of hesitation. I followed close behind him as we went through an empty hallway. At least, I assumed it was empty. The torch only illuminated a few metres around us.
"Mr Overlord of Evil, this is your new fortress of Spookyness! It comes equipped with the latest in evil-doing technology: a torture room, a secondary torture room, a tertiary torture room…" he paused for a moment: "The last guy REALLY liked torture… Anyway, it also comes with a skeleton army, all of whom are as dooty as myself, and so much storage space. Like, sooooooo much. Funny story, a few years ago we had this guy who was like 'we need more storage space' and so we were like 'okay'. Get it?"
We reached a junction at the same moment he stopped talking.
"I guess it's not a funny story then. So, which way would you like to go? Straight ahead is storage space, left is storage space, and right is torture rooms… and storage space."
"Can I ask some questions before we move on?"
"Does this look like a Q & A area to you?"
"No."
"There you go."
"Okay then, I'm using my authority to allow questions anywhere on the tour. First off, why do you assume I'm evil?"
"You look like a stereotypical anime bad guy."
I glared at him for a moment: "… I cannot argue with that. Second question, how are you standing here in front of me and talking without any organs?"
"Calcium. Next question."
"That makes no sense but, honestly, I'm beyond caring at this point. All I care about right now is finding a light switch."
"Lights? Pah! We've got a step beyond a step better than that!" he turned around and shouted down one of the halls: "Turn on the lava!"
I stared around as streams of viscous lava fell from the ceiling and into holes in the floor. The streams were only in the corners of the halls, so I'd only be in danger if I decided I wanted to hug the wall.
With all the extra light, I threw the torch aside and stared down the halls. Skeletal soldiers walked the broken, filthy halls casually. The walls of every hall but the one we came from were lined with doors and painting of the various evil dudes. Despite the incredible amount of dust that coated pretty much everything, I could see that all of the solid surfaces were covered in intricate carvings. Some told tales of the various acts that the previous inhabitants had perpetrated while others were simply decorative.
I could see from the junction that the rooms at the end of the hallways to my front and left were just giant, underground warehouses full of boxes and piles of gold; whereas the one on my right was a torture room, bloodstains and all, with a door to the next one which had a door to the next one and so on. I could see that there had to be at least a mile of torture rooms in that direction, so I went left.
"That was really weird, what you just did. Like, you just sorta stood there for a minute staring at everything and not saying a word. You're not one of the insane ones, are you?"
"Not entirely." I replied as he caught up and walked by my side.
"Well that's good because I was getting REAL tired of Pelvis Frisbee. So anyway, this is where we have all of the coffee rooms and such."
"Skeletons drink coffee?"
"It's got milk in it. Good for the bones and stuff. You know, you're adjusting to being the Dark Overlord a lot better than most people do. Usually we have to play white-noise at them while they sleep before they become willing."
"It might sounds surprising, but this is not the first time I've been the Dark Overlord of something. It's not even the tenth."
"Aww cool! I love a guy with experience. No homo."
"Riiiightttt…" I trailed off as we passed by the guards protecting one of the, apparently, many treasure rooms. It was the kind of room that would put an aircraft hangar to shame. Except it was filled with cool stuff. Super. Cool. Stuff.
I was already giddy beyond reason by the time we had got to the central stuff pile. The entire room was a treasure trove of rare-earth materials and historic items.
I had enough stuff there to build a planetary-core-powered laser. Which is pretty great.
"Where did you guys get all this stuff?"
"Well, various Dark Overlords have spent all their time and effort hoarding stuff. No-one has really wanted to use any of it for… reasons. And things. You know."
"I get the idea. While I'm sorry to break tradition, I have some great ideas for how we are going to use all of this. The only question is, do you want to have fun, or do you want to win quickly?"
"Fun sounds fun."
"Alright, we're doing that then. It is not like we have any chance of losing at this point, so we may as well."
"If you don't mind me asking, who are we fighting?"
I patted him on the head while explaining:
"That will all become clear when I give my first briefing to the army. For now, just leave me be and make sure I'm not disturbed unless you hear me shouting curse words. If you do, bring water cause there's a high chance something will be alight."
"Got it Mr. Dark-"
"Please, call me Zoh. And what should I call you?" I asked while reaching a hand out for him to shake.
"In a previous life I was called Jim but that sucks so call me Rex Alpha-Dooter." He replied while shaking my hand. Rex made a rattling noise which signalled for all of the skeletons inside the treasure room to evacuate the area very quickly. When they were all gone, I strolled up to the largest pile of things and sifted my hand through it lazily. Some coins and golden cups lost their grip and fell to the floor as I made my way around.
Eventually I stopped dead in my tracks. Something needed to happen before I would do anything else.
After a minute, I had a hastily-prepared grenade at the ready.
"Rex!"
He rushed in and to my side.
"Yes boss?"
"Go find someone to give this to the Summoner in the mine I came from."
"Aye, aye cap'n."
He jogged away and I watched him go.
"He is such a confusing little creature."
I shrugged it off and stared back at the pile of stuff. After having been in that base and having fought a few of my skeletons, I realise some major changes needed to be made for us to start getting stuff done.
A few hours later (?):
Finally, everything was falling into place. The skeletons were doing a good job cleaning the place up and organising it all, even though I was constantly taking groups of them away from their tasks for upgrades. Eventually, after many hundreds of others, only one skeleton remained to be tested. Rex was standing for the entire operation after refusing the surgical table I had jury-rigged from some ancient tablets.
"Are you done yet?"
"I've just got to fill in one last hole…" I answered while putting the finishing touches to the filler-enamel in the base of his skull: "Alright, we're done now."
Rex turned to face me as I pulled my face-mask down.
"So, why did you just fuck with my bones? They're very dear to me."
"This will explain it." I began before punching him in the ribcage. His bones exploded out for a second before pulling themselves forcefully back together into their proper shape. He cowered for a moment before realising he was fine.
"Holy nutsacks on my face! I'm alive! I mean dead! You get the point!"
"Cool right? Before you ask, magnets and I'm not entirely sure."
"That's neat-o. You're already my favourite Overlord duder."
"Of course I am. I'm the best person ever, after all. Anyway, go find all of the skeletons and bring them here. I'll brief them soon."
After an over-acted salute, he walked away. With him quickly disappearing, I began getting myself ready. One of the things I had learned from experience was, to be a Dark Lord, you have to look the part, then act the part. I wasn't particularly enthusiastic about acting the part, but damn if I wouldn't look fabulous.
It took me a moment to remove my surgeon scrubs but, when I was done, I immediately and giddily ran over to the new set of armour I had crafted. In almost every visible way, it was a complete and utter departure from my usual designs. With it on, I was only slightly taller than usual. The clunky and useless banner was finally gone. The chest-piece was thinner, though still thicker than usual armour, and designed to look like a metallic set of pecs and a six-pack. It also had an 'X' o red cloth over it. My legs were protected by segmented plates of armour covered everything but my joints, which were protected by smaller plates that were not attached to anything but the under-layer of metal-weave. I had added a long piece of red cloth that went from my belt down to my knee and curved around my waist to hide the armour on my right leg from view from all sides. The arm protection was pretty much the same as the legs, but with gloves at the end instead of boots. The shoulder-guards were chunks of metal that curved around from the top of my arms to mid-way through my shoulders, with many strips of cloth attached to the inside of them which obscured the armour on my upper-arms. My back was protected by a multiple lengths of semi-pliable metal that were arranged one on top of the other so that, if I moved, they would shift to allow for it. I had crafted a full-head helmet with a red crest on top. The front of it had a 'T' shaped hole, filled in with glass that was surrounded by an area of slightly raised metal that followed the shape of the hole.
All of the plates of armour were very dark grey and the metal-weave that went under it all was red. Some of the trimmings were a slightly lighter shade of grey, but there was not much in the way of trimmings.
Then, there was my crowning achievement in weapon technology. It had taken most of my preparation time, but it was well worth it. The pommel was flat but had a secret compartment that a spike would come out of on command. Above it was the main handle, the surface of which was covered in tiny little diamond shapes, designed to increase grip. It was long enough for me to get both hands on and have a small amount of extra space. After that, there was a metal pole which was about twice the size of the handle and inscribed with sentences written in my native language. To everyone else, it would look mystical and evil. To me, it was stupid puns about axes. The end of the pole had a four-sided pyramid shape on it with spikes coming out of each of the sides that curved inwards towards each-other. The point where they met they stabbed into a piece of red rope that reached all the way down to the bottom of the handle. The main axe-head was sharpened beyond reason with carvings on the flat sides of it. Its general shape was best described as a very fat, curved 'T'. The other side of the axe had a decently-long spike on it for stabbing purposes. It was all made from a composite of materials that would let it easily slice through anything on the planet.
All in all, I looked considerably more evil than I did before I got zapped. It was such a departure from my usual designs that I didn't think anyone I used to know would recognise me if they saw me. That was kind of the point, after all. I'd even added a voice modulator that would really hammer home that I was not Zoh.
Helpful, considering how much less attention I would get as a start-up evil dude with a small army of skeletons.
While shaking around to get everything to fit properly, I turned around. Rex was standing there with a basic metal helmet on his head, staring at me intently.
"You can't tell, but this is my 'aw heck that is cool' face."
"Thanks buddy. How are you enjoying the upgrades I gave you?"
"Man, I've finally been able to go bowling without fearing for my life- I mean, fearing for my un-life. Non-life. Anti-life. Negative-life. Backwar-"
"Stop, please, I get the idea."
"Alright Zoh. Hey, I heard being forward with these things help so would you promote me please? I'd like to order the creation of a coffee room so I can have coffee room privileges."
"I'll address ranks when I speak to everyone in a minute."
Suddenly, I heard the sound of a distant explosion coming from somewhere above us. I didn't know how far underground we were, but I supposed that it wasn't on the surface.
"Sounds like the grenade found its place."
"Yeah. I'm gonna go find a different hat. This one is crushing my head."
He began walking away but I called out to him before he went behind the pile of stuff: "Make sure you're back here in a minute!"
"Yeah boss!"
He disappeared and I was left alone once more. The only thing stopping me from experiencing perfect silence was the occasional drop of water hitting the ground somewhere and the distant rattle of bones. I didn't really have much to do, so I just sat myself down on the stone floor and leaned against a pile of stuff. I set my new axe down and frowned slightly as my mind started to slip from the current situation. Every time until that moment I had been able to move on mentally as my position changed, but there was nothing that could stop me thinking back and realising how much of an idiot I had been.
"How did I let some asshole with lightning hands beat me?" I thought. There was no doubt in my mind that I could have destroyed him completely if I hadn't underestimated him so harshly. Instead, I'd allowed myself and my friends to coast along quite happily, ignorant of the level to which we were unprepared. I should have realised the moment he nearly killed me in Demacia that he was more than just a businessman-turned-Summoner.
Then, inevitably, I thought about how unlikely it was any of my friends were still breathing. I barely clung onto life and I was wearing the most advanced armour in the known galaxy at the time. The only way I could rationalise most of them being able to survive was that I took the brunt of it. Maybe the initial blast was only enough to knock people out.
It wasn't likely. You don't bait all of the people who would stand up to you into one place and then let them live.
But what did I know? He was a bit far gone, after all.
As the first of the skeletons started filtering in slowly, my mind wandered to Ahri. Part of me hoped that she survived, the other part hoped that she didn't because of the beating I'd get the next time I saw her if she did.
I let myself smile a bit as I stood up and surveyed the skeletons. All the reminiscing must have got to me, as I vowed then and there that I would not stop until I had found every one of my friends. If I didn't, there would be so. Much. Fire.
Someone poked me on the head, so I looked over to see Rex.
"Everyone is ready boss."
"Thanks."
I reached into a nearby pile of platinum items and yanked out a chair. After making sure it was steady on the ground, I stood on it and began addressing my subjects: "As I assume you all know by now, I am the new Overlord-guy. I've held the position for a few hours and already this place is looking a lot nicer and you are all a lot sturdier. You can go ahead and consider that a good indication of how things are going to be proceeding so long as I am in charge here. Expect a steady flow of technological upgrades to everything here. Your un-lives will improve in every way I can think of. Unfortunately, it's not all good news. I cannot use magic. I cannot flatten cities by flicking a wand. I cannot set the sky on fire by waving a staff around. I cannot make the ground split in two by saying the magic word. However, I can flatten cities, I can set the sky on fire, and I can most definitely split the ground apart. All it will require is a bit of a break from traditions and a leap into the world of technological nonsense. I am perfectly willing to use that technology to rip this planet apart if it helps me achieve my goals. First off, however, we're going to go up there and raid the closest thing so I can get an idea of who I should be looking at for promotions. So everyone gather your gear and get ready to move out."
There was a sudden rush of movement when I stopped talking as they all hurried away to get ready. The anticipation was palpable, and I knew then that it had been a long time since they had last been allowed to raid something. The only one who stayed around was Rex, who already had his stuff.
"Boss, if you don't mind me asking, what are your goals?"
"I suppose there's no reason to be secretive or vague, so I'll be straight with you: the love of my life is out there somewhere and so is the guy who nearly killed me with electricity. One of them is going to die horribly, the other is going to get a kiss."
"Why would you kiss the guy who electrocuted you?"
"Don't get smart with me." I demanded while pointing at him and walking away. After a second I halted and turned back to look at him.
"Before we go, do you know what date it is?"
"It's the fifth of January boss."
I furrowed my brow at the revelation and sighed.
"Well, at least I'm finally caught up on sleep."
"Not really. You've woken up at six in the morning every day for months now."
"No I haven't."
"Yes, you have. I was the scout who was watching you. Every day you would wake up in that room, dig around a bit, go to sleep then the Summoner would come in and chant two separate things. One of them undid all you work and the other, apparently, wiped your memory."
"But, that doesn't make sense. How did I not find this place before?"
"You never got far enough. I guess, after being put back into place so many times, the rocks weakened. They totes need some calcium and stuff."
"Well… shit. Now I'm REALLY going to be smacked on the head when I next see Ahri."
"Why though?"
"Cause by now she'll be getting really sexually frustrated but she isn't very good at sorting that out on her own."
"Won't she just find some dude to help?"
"Depends how dead she thinks I am."
"You did look very much dead when you first arrived upstairs."
"Do I want to know how bad it was?"
"I don't think you had any skin left."
"Oh, that's not TOO bad I suppose. I've been in worse."
Rex looked at me blankly for a few minutes before explaining: "If I had a face I would be looking quizzical right now."
"Oh. Basically, I once had all of my organs removed and placed in separate rooms. That was a fun situation."
"What? How?"
"It's a long story, but the people on my original planet thought I must have had multiple brains in my body cause they were all so damn stupid compared to me. I was six at the time."
"Aww that's pretty hecking cool. It sounds like you had a really interesting life before you got here. Gotta wonder why the story started when you got here and not when you were a child."
"Look at the title."
He stared straight up.
"Oh. Well then, now I know who we will be looking for eventually. Can we go kill things yet?"
"Yeah, but try to knock people out if you can."
"Can we bring them back to fill up the torture chambers?"
"No."
"Dang."
An hour later (00:00):
I shifted uncomfortably in my spot, attempting to end the stream of annoyances that besieged me. Being knelt down, my armour strained uncomfortably against my joints, having not been worn-in properly. Every time I tried to correct something it just exacerbated the problem. I desperately needed something to come along to take my mind from the irritants. The only thing I could do to distract myself even slightly was run my hands through the frilled crest on the top of my helmet. At some point, and I don't fully understand why, I got thinking about making a space-rocket and riding it into battle.
"One day I'll make that a practical idea… somehow…" I thought aloud before getting a whiff of something awful. It was like a rotten egg had drenched in piss and thrown somewhere nearby.
"Oh bloody hell! Do you guys smell that?" I asked the nearby skeletons. The stupidity of that question dawned on me after a few seconds of no replies.
"Right, well, I shall go escape that while you lot do… whatever it is you are supposed to do." I stood up and headed along our make-shift trench. The snow crunched under my boots as I strode by the army of meandering skeletons. Honestly, I was surprised there was any snow left to be compounded below my weight. The Freljord had definitely seen better days, to say the least. The once pristine, snowy surface of the land had been scarred by a network of cracks that spanned further than my eyes permitted me to see. An ominous pink energy flowed from them all, seeping up into the night sky like smoke. Each crack was metres wide and deep enough that I was surprised I couldn't see the sun hovering above the other side of the planet. What had once been a vast, empty desert of snow was transformed into a spider's web of terrifying, purples abysses and islands ranging from metres to miles in width.
And in the middle of it was a bunch of skeletons and a dude in weird armour, sitting around in a trench looking awkward as all hell. There was also a heavily-fortified military compound, but that wasn't as cool as the skeletons.
"Man, we must look super out of place from above." I realised as I abruptly hit the end of the trench. That particular part of the trench was deeper than I was tall, so I couldn't really climb out and continue walking. I couldn't really go back either, as there was nothing better to do at the other end.
Relief came when someone jumped into the trench behind me. I turned to see Rex in his barely-fitting leather armour.
"Charges are set, boss!"
"How many did you set?"
"All of them."
"I told you to only set two of them."
"What were the other twenty for?"
"Backups."
"Sounds to me like I went above and beyond your expectations."
"You could say that..." My sentence petered off as I stared at the floor with a furrowed brow: "Fuck it, we shall roll with it." I declared while holding my head up high and walking back down the length of the trench until I reached a part where the walls were low enough to stare over. Rex followed behind me but wasn't tall enough to see over the wall, so he just removed his skull and placed it on the bank of the trench. The rest of him remained just close enough for it to not get pulled back into place.
Trying to ignore the decapitated skull next to my face, I pulled out a detonator and a pair of binoculars. After putting them to my helmet, I searched the horizon for a few moments until I found the compound. A metal fence about twice the size of the average person surrounded three large buildings and a huge hole in the ground. I could see people going into and out of it, but I had absolutely no clue what was down there. The buildings were all of average size and appeared to mostly function as housing for the base's residents. Guard towers could be found in abundance along the length of the fence, all of them equipped with searchlights so strong they could put a star to shame.
No bloody idea how or where Rex placed the charges and, to be honest, I didn't much care. My mind was beginning to come to terms with the fact that it had been fucking ages since I had seen a good explosion, so I was dearly missing the sight of one. There was a good chance we'd be in range, despite being a few hundred metres away, considering Rex's overzealous use of what I had given him. It would be fun to find out if we were or not.
I took a moment to enjoy the perfect silence of the frozen wastes before pressing the button. Much to my distress, nothing happened. Stowing the binoculars away, I brought the detonator up to my face and pressed it again. Repeated presses yielded no better results, causing me to sigh in frustration.
"Must be out of range." I concluded before hauling myself up and out of the trench. All the skeletons nearby moved to follow but I beckoned for them to stay.
"I shall return soon... hopefully. Don't quote me on that."
With that, I began strolling in the direction of the compound, pressing the button every step of the way. I had to leap over a few cracks as I got progressively closer until I was just barely out of the range of the searchlights. One step later, I stood on something that was definitely not snow. Looking down, I realised it was a person, almost perfectly camouflaged in the snow. After backing away a few steps, I stopped as they stood up. They were about seven foot tall and covered from head to toe in thick layers of fabric. Like Shen, but white and only a pair of snow-goggles where the facemask would have been. I was slightly uneasy looking at them, as they were clearly not shaped exactly like a normal person underneath the fabric. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but something was not right.
"Damn, I bet they're ugly under all that." I whispered to myself as quietly as I could.
"What the hell did you just say to me?" He questioned in a harsh tone, his voice holding too much bass and being slightly too deep to be a normal human.
"Um…. Nothing?"
"What the fuck are you even supposed to be?"
"I could ask the same of you."
"I'm the one asking the questions here so tell me who you are!"
"That is a rather harsh tone to use for someone you just met."
"You stood on me then called me ugly to my face!"
"In my defence, you were camouflaged." I responded as one of the searchlights hit us. Immediately, sirens were going off and the entire base lit up, illuminating the entire surrounding area in brilliant light.
"You've ruined our whole op!" He shouted as I took another look at my button, hoping to fix the situation quickly.
"Ohhhhh! I was pressing the 'Arm' button, not the 'Detonate' one. Silly me." I chuckled before pressing the correct button. Immediately, we were both thrown to the ground by the shockwave. It kicked up its very own snowstorm as it spread out, only for it all to be melted by the wave of fire that extended outwards. I was momentarily dazed by the secondary shockwave that hit much harder than the first, before I could push myself up to my feet. The camouflaged person struggled to their feet as well at the same time as about fifty other people in similar attire. From what I could see, the entire fence and all of the guard towers had been removed from existence and the buildings inside had taken a considerable battering.
The camouflaged person I had stepped on stared at me. I could tell, despite not being able to see any part of their face that they were utterly seething under all those layers. He stepped right up close to me and grabbed me by the throat.
"You are the second most irritating person I have ever met."
"I would very much appreciate a chance to meet number one."
"I'm sure you'd get along." He concluded before letting go of my throat, turning and shouting: "Save as many of the slaves as you can! We don't have long!"
They all rushed in and I realised what the massive hole was.
"That is one hell of a mine." I admitted as Rex stepped next to me. A peek behind me confirmed that backup had arrived.
I turned to address them: "Take out anything with robes on!"
Taking my axe in hand, I led the charge into the compound as the Summoners inside began to recover from the blast. The fear in their eyes was evident as hundreds of sentient skeletons, headed by a man in heavy armour, stormed into their base. I took a fireball to the face in my stride before smashing into the person who sent it at me. All around me skeletons were exploding, only to rebuild themselves in seconds. They were overwhelming all the Summoners they came across and I only had to watch as the base was cleared of resistance. We had already knocked out or killed everything there by the time our camouflaged compatriots had got half of the slaves out from the mine.
"Everyone, clean this up!" I ordered. They skeletons got to work instantly, giving me time to go stare down into the mine. So many slaves were down there, all in tattered clothing. How they hadn't frozen to death escaped me. The only way in our out was a spiral staircase that went around the outside of the mine, so I stood near the top of it. A few minutes later, all of the slaves were out and the last person to step up from the mine was my 'friend' from earlier. He stared at me for a second before putting his finger on my chest and demanding: "Don't ever interrupt one of my operations again."
"Still with this tone. So harsh. We don't even know each-other's names."
"If you really need something to call me, Arckani will work. What should I call you when you inevitably get in the way of my next op?"
"Since we're using fake names, I'm Thexar. It's a pleasure to meet you." I extended my hand for him to take and we shook on it.
"I can already tell you're going to be challenging for first place on my 'annoying bastards' list."
"I can't exactly allow myself to be the first loser, can I?"
He shook his head at me then walked past me. I turned and watched him go as Rex stepped up to me.
"We're done here, boss. Should we leave?"
"I suppose we should before the reinforcements arrive. Everyone! Move out!"
The army made their way out of base in a quick but not particularly orderly way and eventually it was just me left.
"Feels good being overpowered again."
Oh hey, look at these sexy end-of-chapter notes. They're all returned and stuff after pissing off for last chapter so I could have some dramatic cliff-hanger shit. Isn't it just fantastic?
Anyway, this chapter is extra-long because I couldn't find a good place to end it so I just put it here. So, yay. I got to waste slightly more of your time than usual. I'm just the best.
Woo. Enthusiasm. And such.
Yeah.
Thanks for reading, I sincerely hope you enjoyed the chapter and that you will enjoy your life until the next one gets released.
Bye.
