Welcome back to this clusterfuck that is technically classified as a fanfiction.
The only thing that warrants being mentioned here is that this is chapter 60. 87,446 views, 167 followers, 145 favourites, 412,852 words. To say I'm happy with how this has turned out so far would be a drastic understatement. Thank you all so much for making this so much more successful than I thought it could be when I started. I hope you've all enjoyed reading it as much as I have enjoyed writing it, and I hope you all continue to get some entertainment out of it for however long this might go.
Additionally, shout out to my man Anthropomancy. He's been a real help since he started editing this and a damn good bro.
Chapter 60: Problem Solving
Early morning (12th February 07:00):
Waking up, all I could focus on was the lack of air in my lungs and the debilitating pain in my head. No matter how hard I tried to breathe, the air just wouldn't get past my throat. Every single thought that passed through my mind was telling me that the end was facing me. Pure, mortal terror gripped me, blinding me to the help lying next to me.
It was like a switch being flipped, and suddenly I could breathe. I coughed and wheezed back to life, the pain in my head slowly vanishing. Rational thought slowly returned to my brain as my breathing started to return to usual.
I'd had bad dreams before, but never one so bad that it nearly killed me.
Ahri's POV:
A few hours later (10:15):
Of all the ways to find out that Zoh was still in bed with me, I think my favourite was always being able to feel his lovely ass against my own. A good bit of butt-touching was cornerstone of any good relationship, so being able to wake up to that was really nice.
Before I could do anything else, I had to find some way to check if he was awake without moving too much and becoming the reason he woke up. I snuck one of my tails out from under the covers and waved it in front of his face.
"Good morning, Ahri."
"Woo!" I exclaimed while spinning around and hugging him from behind.
"I take it you slept well?"
"Mhmm. Haven't slept this well in weeks." I began before leaning forward and whispering in his ear: "I think it's got something to do with this satisfied feeling."
"Oh is that so?"
He turned over to look me in the eyes: "I guess there's an old habit of ours that we should pick up again."
"I'm not sure I'd call it a 'habit'. More like an obsessive addiction."
"Yeah, but that makes it sound like a bad thing. That's how I'd phrase it if all of my baths used meth instead of water."
"Or if I converted every room in this apartment to storage space for my extensive collection of stamps."
"Hey, don't take the piss out of stamp collecting. That was the shit when I was a kid."
"Really?"
"I hadn't invented anything better to do by that point. The only thing I could consistently make at the time was a nuclear reactor that would always blow up after a few minutes. Still can't figure out why I could make that before I could make a decent paper-airplane. I still can't, actually."
"Dude, if the League comes back and randomly decides to put us all through some sort of basic education, I am totally setting up paper-airplane contest. I bet I'll kick your ass at that like I do with everything else that requires skill."
"As much as I would like to put that idea to the test right now, I'm afraid I can't. In the scenario you set up, I wouldn't be one of your classmates. I'd be the fucking teacher."
I grabbed his face in both hands and stated: "We need to make this happen."
"Why?"
"Sexy schoolgirl scenario."
"For fuck's sake, Ahri…" He smiled, sighing as he got out of bed.
A few minutes later (10:50):
The frost hadn't even melted off the windows by the time Zoh had started to do boring stuff. Apparently Swain wanted… something. I sort of blanked when Zoh tried to describe the situation to me, but I understood the general idea that he was going to be smashing technology together until whatever it was he was trying to make stopped blowing up.
I was definitely bored, but I wasn't really willing to do something to fix it. I was slightly cold and uncomfortable on that chair, and changing position didn't really help at all. Even though I'd managed to get into a position where one leg was on the backrest and the other was hooked around the front of an armrest, I was still managing to be strongly displeased with how comfortable I was.
Whatever I planned on doing to stay entertained, it couldn't include Zoh. It sounded like he had serious work to do when I wasn't listening to him describing the work earlier.
But I was really bored. Akali was probably doing stuff important. Lux was still in Demacia. Bob still hadn't turned up.
Maybe…
"Zoh, help! I'm bored!"
He dropped whatever the hell that device was supposed to be and stood up. It popped out of existence as he turned around.
"How bored?"
I let myself slide onto the floor; tails working hard to make it comfortable.
"Super."
"I suppose I'm not achieving much right now anyway. Come on, I've got an idea."
Zoh went past me and over to the door. I followed as he led me out of the apartment and into the halls.
"So, what's the idea?"
"Well, you remember how we came to the League and joined willingly ages ago?" He questioned as his armour started to materialise around him.
"Obviously."
"Then you likely also remember how not everyone was quite so willing."
"Yeah. Didn't they send out Summoners to get them?"
"Yes, but, we know better than most how an exceptional combatant can take out a group of Summoners with ease. Zed, for example. So, what they used to do is send out other Champions with those Summoners to bring them in."
"I'm not sure I know anyone who could bring down Zed, even with the help of Summoners."
"You'd be surprised how 'persuasive' Alistar can be…"
"Oh I'm sure. I do have one question, though. How are we supposed to keep people here once we get them back? We don't have any Summoners around to sustain all the magical barriers and shit."
"It's a damn good thing we have me." He stated, passing me a small device. It was a plus shape with blue lights on one side.
"What does this do?"
"Well-" He paused, stopping in the middle of the hall and turning to me: "Place it on my arm. I'm sure you'll get a kick out of this."
I guessed that the lights indicated the side I had to put it down on, so I slapped it on his arm. There was no immediate effect, but after a few seconds I noticed that he had stopped moving completely. I had a good guess what it did at that point, so I shoved him lightly. He was frozen solid as he fell to the floor, slamming into it with all the weight of his armour.
I giggled for a second before kneeling down and removing the device. His body un-tensed and, after a second, he got up.
"Well that was thoroughly unpleasant."
"Maybe for you. I, on the other hand, wouldn't mind getting a few of these. They'd be fun as hell for messing with people."
"Nowhere near as useful as you'd think. They only work when the target isn't moving considerably or has a lot of adrenaline in their system."
"Bummer. Why?"
"No. Fucking. Clue. I made them when I was drunk and for the life of me I can't remember how they work. When I tried to open one up to see what was inside it screamed profanities at me for ten minutes straight."
"You know, one of these days your technology is going to have to start making sense."
"Hah! That's what you believe, heretic."
A wave of bright, white energy blasted out of Zoh and, by the time it passed by me, we were in an entirely different place. Redwood trees were all around, and the ground looked like it had been crunched up some time ago. Long enough for the grass to grow over all of the boulders and rock formations. Through the gaps in the treeline, I could tell the sun was out and beaming.
Looking to Zoh, I asked: "So, who or what are we here to find?"
"Kha'Zix. Unsurprisingly, he didn't decide to come back when we asked politely, and he's too much of a threat to let roam free."
"To be fair to him, I doubt he's got a TV out here. Probably hasn't seen the recall message."
"Something makes me doubt he got the letter either."
"Are you telling me he doesn't have a post-box out here?" I asked, every word dripping in sarcasm.
"I'm sure he could've carved one, but he didn't send us the address."
"What an asshole."
"I know, right? And that's why we've gotta find him."
"Right. So, how do we do that?"
"Ah… well…"
"You don't know."
"I do but… you're not gonna like it."
I sighed and rested my head in my hand, ordering: "Go on, out with it."
"You know how Kha likes to hunt powerful things to eat and evolve?"
"You're using me as bait!?"
"I didn't say that. It's the truth, but I didn't say it."
"I can't fucking believe you sometimes." I grumbled, stomping off into the forest.
"If it makes you feel any better, he's probably going to try to kill me too."
I stared at him and stated, as unenthusiastically as possible: "Yay."
I, and probably everything else within a few miles, heard Zoh running up behind me. I didn't look back to confirm it, but I was pretty sure he was leaving footprints in the ground. Just in-case Kha'Zix had the slightest amount of difficulty finding us.
"Is there anything else you haven't told me?"
"There's a lot of stuff I haven't told you. Like how to revive a gerbil that has had its body reduced to the freezing point of blood."
"Anything relevant?"
"Um… no. I could tell you about who we're going after next, but that's not really important right now."
"Is there anything you can tell me about Kha? Has he evolved a lot since I last saw him?"
"Not that I know of. He only recently escaped one of those prison-camps."
"I really wonder what the League was trying to do with those. What are you going to learn from studying Void creatures except for the most efficient method of eating things?"
"You'd be surprised. Void creatures are excellent examples of how to make effective weaponry and armour with purely natural evolution."
"How good are Kha's claws that they need to be studied?"
Something snapped and Zoh looked up to the source: "We're about to find out."
Kha dropped onto him with enough force to pin Zoh to the ground. Before I got a chance to react, the Void creature had gone invisible and ran away.
Zoh pushed himself up and drew his axe. I was about to make a snarky comment when I heard Kha's invisibility wear-off. There was something in the corner of my vision getting close fast, so I ducked. The second he realised he missed, the Void creature was invisible again. A short check behind me revealed that the tree had a huge hole in it. I had to step out of the way as it fell over, crashing into another and taking that one down with it. The noise of their falling covered for Kha as he dived over them, slicing at Zoh, who tried to retaliate with the blunt side of his axe. It missed when Kha jumped backwards a short distance, only to dive back in for another swipe, followed by a two-footed kick to the chest which vaulted Kha into the air. He disappeared again, making my Orb hit nothing but a boulder.
I guessed that, since he had done it every time until then, Kha would be airborne when he next attacked. I was proved wrong when he appeared right next to me with his claws most of the way towards taking my head off, forcing me to drop right down to the floor. My back hit the grass and I immediately flung myself up feet-first, smashing him in the face. That clearly threw him off balance, allowing Zoh to tackle him despite Kha going invisible. Zoh tried to hit him a few times but I was pretty sure he didn't hit him. Kha must have done something, because Zoh got flipped over his head.
Nothing happened for a few seconds, allowing Zoh to get up. I wasn't sure if Kha was even still around until I saw him darting between the trees, slicing them as he went. The trees collapsed in our direction, forcing us to dodge out of the way. We got separated by a couple trees that stacked on top of each other.
I tip-toed through the maze of fallen trees until, seconds after they all settled down, a clash broke somewhere to my right. Clambering up the trees, I got a view of the fight going on between Zoh and Kha. I was about to jump in and help when the tree under me started to roll over. Kha kicked Zoh backwards just in time to pin him under the tree as it fell. The creature disappeared as I tried to help Zoh push the tree off him.
"It's too heavy!" I exclaimed as I realised that not even our combined strength could make the tree budge.
"There's no time, just deal with Kha and I'll get myself out of this!"
I growled out of frustration as I gave up on getting him out. Turning around, I tried to mentally prepare myself. The attack came as quickly as I expected, a flurry of organic missiles followed closely by claws. I dove over it all and grabbed one of his wings, using it to tug him to the ground. Remembering the usual method of dealing with stealthers, I lit him on fire on his back. It wouldn't be lethal, but he couldn't hide anymore. And he knew it. I let go of his wing and took a step back as he started to square-up. Kha immediately came at me, darting from side-to-side as he closed the gap. I anticipated the body-swipe and dashed past it, kicking his leg before rolling out behind him. He managed to nick my arm with one of his claws before I could turn around. It wasn't deep, but it still hurt.
Instead of letting him initiate again, I spun around and threw everything in his general direction. Kha managed to avoid the brunt of it, but still took a lot of fire. Not giving him the chance to recover, I grabbed Zoh's axe and dashed to Kha. That thing was really heavy, so I had to drop it after getting one good bash at Kha's midsection. He was knocked back a bit, but wasted no time in slicing at me with both of his claws. Ducking that, I grabbed his head and slammed it into the ground. Knowing that wouldn't be enough, I grabbed one of his arms and dashed towards one of the trees. Stopping short but letting go, he went hurtling into the tree-trunk with his face forward.
After a few tense moments, I realised he wasn't getting up. Sighing with relief, I smiled: "Thank fuck that worked. Dunno what else I could've done it if didn't…"
"That's great, buddy. Now slap the device on him and give me a hand."
I planted the device on Kha's back after fizzling out the fire that was in the way. Sure enough, he froze solid, allowing me to return to Zoh.
"So how do we get you out of this?"
"If you reach under the log, there's a teleporter on my belt. Just grab me and teleport us a few metres away."
I nodded and reached my arm under the log, grabbing randomly until I felt something small and metallic. Pulling it out gave me a good look at the device, which was pretty much the same as all of Zoh's other ones. Pressing it, I was momentarily surprised by a burst of confetti and balloons, two of which were holding up a banner that stated: 'I got my soul back'
Looking at Zoh with an eyebrow raised, his disappointment was palpable even behind the helmet.
"I was building up to that joke for so long…"
"What the hell was it?"
"It's ruined now, so nothing!"
I patted him on the head before reaching under a log again and pulling another device. That one was actually the correct, and we appeared out in the open a moment later.
A little while later (12:30):
"How the hell do we even find Kalista? I thought she only turned up when you made one of those pacts with her."
"Well, have you been fucked-over by someone recently?"
"Uh… you."
"Yeah but... I don't count. We'll just find her the usual way. She's gotta hide somewhere when she's not busy getting nerfed."
"If she does live anywhere on Runeterra, we're in the right area." I pointed out while motioning to our ghostly surroundings. The Shadow Isles were, unsurprisingly, very dark. A thick layer of fog coated everything, swirling and shifting in disturbingly unnatural ways. Everything from the grass to the clouds was distorted and malformed by centuries of being bathed in dark magic. The purple scars had not appeared in the Shadow Isles, but that didn't mean the land was flat and stable. Every step felt like walking across the edge of a cliff, and the landscape looked like it had been ripped apart and put back together by a toddler. Giant chunks varying in size from a house to a small continent were pulled upwards, some reaching as high as five-story buildings. Others had be shoved downwards, and more still had disappeared completely.
Also, I was pretty sure someone, or something, was repeatedly grabbing my shoulder. To be honest, it was getting on my fucking nerves after being there for only a few minutes.
Zoh shoved his helmet on and joked: "Kalista is a ghost, right? Reckon I should scan for ghosts to find her?"
"Do it. Might as well have a laugh."
"Okay. Green means none, red means tons."
After a moment, Zoh's helmet projected a hologram in front of him. It was just a stereotypical ghost which flashed white and black for a few seconds. When it stopped, it was green.
"Huh. Guess this place isn't as spooky as we all thought."
"Sure your device isn't faulty?"
"If it was faulty it'd have exploded by now."
"I guess we just… walk till it's red."
"Okay." The hologram disappeared as Zoh started stomping off.
"Hey, hey, just you wait a second! We can't go that way!"
He turned and asked: "Why not?"
"That's towards the big ghostly mountains. We should be going towards the ghoulish ruined city."
"Why?"
"If she's not out taking people's souls, she'll be at the closest thing she has to a home. Which will be in the city."
"Does Kalista really strike you as the type to live in a populated area?"
"It's a dead city, no-one lives there."
"Except all the people who were there when it was a not-so-dead city."
"I'm pretty sure Thresh will have had a field day there long ago."
"We're basically just arguing about what kind of scenery Kalista would want outside her window at this point. So, we'll put it to a coin-toss."
"Fine. Do you have one?"
"No. You?"
"Nope. Got anything else?"
He started ruffling through the various pouches on his belt and mumbled: "I think I might have something in here…"
One branch snaked down from a nearby tree and tapped on his shoulder. Stopping his search, Zoh looked up at it as another branch came down with a penny.
"Oh, thanks creepy tree." He accepted the coin before asking: "Are you gonna want this back or…?"
One of the branches shook side-to-side before both retracted back.
Zoh and I shrugged at each-other before he flipped the coin. He caught it and slammed it on the back of his hand, asking: "Heads or tails?"
"Do you really need to ask?"
He uncovered it and I smiled.
"To the city!"
I marched off towards the ruined city in the distance with a grumbly Zoh in tow.
A little while later (13:20):
From a distance, the city didn't look that badly destroyed. It was obvious that not a single building had gone undamaged, but it didn't look terrible. Up close was an entirely different situation. Massive swathes of the city had been flattened into piles of rubble, and most of that rubble had been crushed to dust. What was still standing was barely managing it, with singular bricks being the difference between a damaged house and a fresh pile of rocks.
By far the most disturbing feature of the city was the bodies. The Shadow Isles had become that way hundreds of years ago, but those bodies could have fallen that day. Most still held the horrified expressions that had covered their faces when life had been stripped from the land.
As we passed a temple that only had two walls left standing, my concern started to get the better of me. Not many people had gone to the Shadow Isles and returned to tell the tale, but all who had spoke of hordes of wraiths and other undead abominations that stretched for miles. They spoke of how the masses knew where they were, no matter how far or how fast they ran. The undead could sense life, and on an island completely devoid of it, we should have glowed like a flare in the night.
But there was nothing. Not a shambling corpse or a hushed whisper in the distance. Yet, the overbearing feeling of death was still all around. It sent shivers down my spine and made the breath catch in my throat. I almost felt claustrophobic.
So, I clung to the safest thing around. Literally and metaphorically.
Zoh noticed that I was holding onto his arm a bit closer than normal and questioned: "Regretting the outcome of that coin-toss?"
"Nope. Pretty sure I'd be just as freaked if we went to the mountains."
"If it makes you feel any better, the scanner is still green. Only threats around here are the creepy-crawlies."
"That doesn't make me feel that much better, to be honest."
"Well, at least I haven't seen any metre-tall spiders hanging around. Can probably thank Elise for that."
"Urgh, don't start. Those things creep the hell out of me."
"Dude, I love spiders. They're kinda like scorpions, but without the big pokey bit. And scorpions are the tanks of the insect world."
"Stop, please."
"You know, I once got caught in a huge spider's web. Turned out he could talk. Named Shrii-Katur. Lovely fella."
"Is this story going anywhere or are you just trying to fuck with me?"
"Yeah, actually. After he let me down from the web we went over to his mate's house who was a giant centipede. We spent three days searching for his mate's son only to find out he didn't actually have a son. He had build his house in the middle of a field of hallucinogenic flowers! Fucking good times, man."
"So, no, that story wasn't going anywhere."
"Uh, yeah, I suppose you're right. You could say that it was supposed to show we shouldn't expect all of Elise's spiders to be mean."
"Except all that stuff happened on another planet where spiders talk."
"That… is a fair point. Okay then, keeping an eye out for anything arachnid."
We continued on our largely uneventful trek through the city ruins until noticing an oddly-pristine house on the other side of a pile of rubble. It stood out like a sore thumb, so we headed there immediately. Its only significant feature, except having all of its walls and roof, was that it was alone on top of a small hill. It wasn't steep or particularly wide, but you could see over the rooves of the surrounding houses from the top.
Stepping up to the door, I made sure Zoh was right behind me as I knocked. I'm not sure what I expected to come from that but, suffice to say, there was no answer.
When I turned back around, Zoh was staring off into the distance. He pulled his helmet off and pointed to a powerful thunderstorm rolling in: "It's headed our way. And fast."
The lack of emotion or enthusiasm in his voice told me all I needed to know. He felt the same way I did. Something was deeply wrong about that situation. Worse than it had felt until then.
"I'll check inside. You keep an eye on that storm."
I headed to the door but stopped with my hand on the doorknob when Zoh added: "It's red."
Pausing for a moment to take a deep breath, I turned the doorknob and pushed it open. I could hear him unsheathe his axe the moment before I closed the door behind me.
A deep, unnatural darkness coated everything. All details of the floor were hidden by a thin layer of mist, barely ankle-high, that was disturbingly thick. The winds from the storm were already beginning to roll in, and the whole house rattled and creaked at their touch. The wooden walls of the house shook and swayed, but there was nothing from them to knock over. It had all fallen years ago, giving plenty of time for spiders to cover almost every surface in webbing. There was only one floor and three rooms. A ghostly, blue light emanated from a room at the other end of the hall, making it my best chance for finding Kalista.
My steps couldn't have been more cautious as I made my way down the hall. The winds were really picking up, smashing against the house blotting out all other noise.
I didn't realise until I was right at the door just how fast my heart was beating. My eyes kept making frantic checks all around me to ensure that those shifting shadows didn't make a move towards me. Every muscle in my body was tense, ready to send me flying backwards and out of the house.
Keeping my spare hand in position to throw my Orb the second it appeared, I slid open the door. Whether it was happiness, relief, or fear that held me there, I couldn't move an inch when I saw Kalista kneeling away from me in the centre of the room. The mist swirled around her and danced through the air, leaving behind trails that slowly drifted back down to the floor.
Like someone had flipped a switch, the noise stopped. The house and the mist that resided within stilled. Kalista looked up and stated, contempt seeping from her words: "You led them here."
"Who?" I asked, my voice trembling.
"The legions." She began, standing up and turning to me: "We know why you are here. Save us from them, and we shall retake our place among you."
"Okay, come on. Zoh's outside."
I spun and hurried to the door. Yanking it open, I finally understood what Kalista meant. Undead of every kind surrounded us, their ranks stretching from the bottom of the hill to the outskirts of the city. They filled every street, every building, every pile of rubble. Every roof left standing was covered by as many of them as could fit.
The rain from the thunderstorm was falling hard as I stepped up next to Zoh. Kalista stood beside me as we watched and waited.
Not a single one of the undead moved. Not a single one made a noise. They stared right back at us and waited.
"Kalista, what do they want?"
"They wish to grow their ranks using the souls trapped within me."
"Sounds like a great reason for Zoh to get us the hell out of here."
A few seconds passed, but we were still there. I turned to Zoh and shoved him, exclaiming: "Stop standing there and do something!"
He dropped to his knees, axe clattering to the ground. Pulling off his helmet, the reality of the situation hit me. The immense sadness on his face was a clear indication that he was having a moment at the worst possible time. No doubt, the wraith of a little girl was what made him that way.
I heard Kalista summon a spear behind me and looked over in time to see one of the undead taking the first step up the hill.
I turned back to Zoh and shook him, pleading: "Come on, please snap out of it!"
The second that spear pierced the heart of an undead, the floodgates opened. A wave of decomposing bodies and beings made purely of dark magic rampaged towards us. There was no direction we could run and we could only kill a few before they would overwhelm us, so it seemed we were entirely out of options.
The wall of flesh was only a couple metres from us when I remembered what Zoh used for teleportation. I grabbed Kalista by the wrist and slammed the button on the side of Zoh's belt. Something bashed into my side at the last moment before we appeared outside the League.
I turned to Zoh, who was still on his knees, and let my anger get the better of me: "What the hell is wrong with you? We almost got killed by a bunch of fucking zombies because you're too stubborn to sort out your issues! You say you're dealing with it but you're not actually doing anything!"
I did realising how I was acting after a few seconds, so I tried to soften my tone a bit: "Are you okay?"
He nodded weakly, so I turned to Kalista and asked: "You?"
"A few more scratches have been gained by our armour today, but we are unharmed."
"Okay. Let's head inside."
A few hours later (17:00):
"You've still not finished that thing?"
"I've not even started."
I raised an eyebrow to him and walked over, placing my hand on his forehead to check for a fever.
"You didn't catch anything in the Shadow Isles, did you?"
"I'm not ill, Ahri. I just really can't do it today."
I sat down on the end of the bed, shortly joined by Zoh.
"Okay, so, how about working on what Jarvan asked? Whatever that was."
"I would but… he's kinda asking me to move mountains."
"Oh it can't be that bad. Tell me."
"No, I mean he's literally asking me to move mountains. A couple of them near the borders of Demacia can be used as a choke-point if moved closer together."
"I'm not sure it's a great idea moving that around with how the world is holding together right now."
"They don't need to be moved far. It should be fine as long as I'm careful. Even so, it's not something I have time to do today."
"Okay, so, what do you want to do?"
"Could just talk for a little while, like we used to. There are still plenty of dumb stories I can tell you about."
"How about we make a game of it? I have to come up with a bullshit story, and you have to tell me a true one that is more interesting."
"Who's the judge?"
"It doesn't matter really, it's just a silly little game. Ready?"
"Okay. Shoot."
"I once rode a dragon in an aerial dogfight with a monkey on a griffon through the tunnel-system of an erupting volcano. On the moon."
"Hmm… I once had a sword-fight while in nothing but swimming trunks on the roof of a sky-taxi as it flew from one end of a city the size and shape of a moon, all while an electric storm larger than the city itself was passing through. I won, by the way."
"Okay, clearly I need to up my game. When I was a child I was cursed by a witch that had taken the shape of a miniature, purple hippo. To cure myself, I gathered a team of the best people at my school and adventured our way to the top of a mountain where we thought the cure was. It turned out to actually just be an entrance to a massive mineshaft that went to the core of the planet itself, which was hollow and the home of a species of mermaids who abandoned the oceans because they didn't like the spell. After a long and hard fight with the hippo, we won the respect of the mermaids and they cured me and sent myself and my group home with a treasure to prove it all happened."
"Oh, honey, please. I need a challenge bigger than that. When I was eleven, myself and a group of alien children that had been sent to a planet I was exploring on an ill-advised fieldtrip were attacked by a wizard who had lived there so long that he'd been transformed into an incredibly malicious, flying sea sponge. After initially escaping him onto one of the upside-down mountains on that planet, he called in the assistance of an army comprised entirely of fish-men. I defeated them by sending the alien children out as bait before simultaneous moving the planet a lot closer to its sun and fucking with the composition and consistency of the planet's core. All of the fish-men's weapons were yanked to the ground by the magnetic force and they had to leave before they all became lightly fried fish fillets. Then one of the children managed to turn the wizard back into a human, giving me the chance to kick him in the nuts. We then left on the children's teacher's ship. To this day, I have no clue why those teachers didn't do anything. I don't think they even noticed the sun getting suddenly much closer."
"You've got to be shitting me."
"I do not speak a word of lie."
"I feel like I've missed out on all the coolest shit in your life."
"You totally fucking have. But you've been around during the time when I've died the most often. So, I suppose you've got that much going for you."
"Yay me." I grumbled sarcastically while laying back and staring at the ceiling.
"Want to try one more time?"
"I don't see the point, but fine. I once put the milk in before the water while making tea."
"It's a good thing I know you're not telling the truth, because that is grounds for execution."
"I think you're being a bit ridiculous there, but it doesn't matter. You must have something."
"Uhm… I accidentally put the toilet-roll on so the dangly bit was at the back."
I looked at him with my brow furrowed in mild disgust as I sat up straight.
"Hey, I said it was an accident!"
"I dunno man, I'm not sure if I our relationship can continue now."
"I understand, it was a terrible mistake, but you gotta believe me when I say I didn't mean to do it!"
"How about we stop playing this before you say anything that forces me to kill you for the good of the land?"
"Right, good idea."
"So, anything else you can think to do?"
"Eh, I kinda just want to catch up on some sleep before the conference. You can go help Nocturne and Shen look through the storage room, if you're bored."
"Uh, I suppose. Are you sure you don't wanna come with me?"
"I'm sure."
I leaned over and gave him a kiss on the forehead before pulling him into a hug. I wasn't really sure how worried I should have been for him, but it didn't feel like there was anything I could do. I was no psychiatrist and I didn't know where to find one, not that Zoh would ever agree to see one if I did ask him to.
Reluctantly, I left the apartment and headed through the hallways. A short walk later, and I was stepping into the storage room. Apparently, I wasn't getting the full story when I was told that I'd be helping 'Nocturne and Shen'. They were there, but so were multiple hundreds of skeletons singing that infuriatingly catchy song. Not only that, but they had the other two singing along to it. How did the skeletons even sing? They didn't have any vocal cords. Why couldn't anything about that situation make sense?
My boredom must have been much more severe than it felt, because I actually continued further into the room and approached Nocturne, who was looking through a pile of wooden crates.
"Hey Nocturne. Whatcha doing?"
I had to admit, I was slightly concerned when he spun around to reveal that his blades were coated in some sort of red liquid, but his cheerful demeanour led me to believe that it wasn't what it looked like. That, or he was a psychopath. Thinking back on it, I should have considered that possibility more strongly.
"Greetings! Don't worry about the blades, I just found the supply of tomato ketchup. A helpful reminder to be more careful with how I open there things. Anyway, I suppose you're here to help us look through the stockpiles?"
"Yeah, but if you don't mind me asking, why are we doing this?"
"One of Zoh's skeletons, 'Rex' I believe he called himself, suggested that we have a look around here to see if they were hiding anything important in here."
"Oh. So then, found anything good yet?"
"Unless you have a serious distaste for dry food, no. Although I can only speak for myself."
"Okay. I guess I'll look for something that the skeletons haven't got to yet."
"You do that. I'm gonna keep searching here in case they have a bottle of barbeque sauce that can go missing."
He returned to his boxes as I headed down the aisles of crates. Everything was numbered and neatly organised on shelves that reached to the ceiling. Ladders were all over the place that went right to the top of the shelves, with wheels at the bottom to be moved from side to side.
After walking for a while, I found a spot that looks like it hadn't been searched yet. I decided to start from the bottom, so I went over to the crates. Picking a random one to start with, I put my hands on the top and stared at it for a second.
"Fuck."
I didn't bring anything to open it.
When I had went all the way to the front of the room, found a crowbar, then went all the way back, I tried to open the crate. Lodging the crowbar in, I tried to crack open the crate. After putting all my strength into it failed, I tried putting all my weight on it. When I fell flat on my ass with the crate still unopened, I groaned and just set it on fire. After a few seconds, I guess that it had been weakened enough, so I turned off the heat and tried the crowbar again. Finally it fucking opened and I couldn't be more disappointed.
"Who the hell needs this many ornamental screwdrivers?" I paused for a moment before retracting that: "Who the hell needs any amount of ornamental screwdrivers?"
After closing the crate, using a bit of kicking, I moved on to the next one. I was prepared for it to be as difficult as the last one but when I put the crowbar to it the crate opened instantly.
I glanced at the previous crate distrustfully before slowly returning my focus to the current one. Pulling it fully open, I was surprised to find something actually useful was stored in there. Surrounded by a cushion of straw was the long-since removed item 'Deathfire Grasp'.
"Hey, I remember this thing. Used to buy it practically every match…" I glanced over at the remaining boxes on that shelf and muttered: "I wonder…"
Opening the remaining boxes confirmed my suspicion that the area was where all the removed items were stored. It also reminded me why I didn't miss many of them. Whoever thought that a stacking item for health was a good idea deserved a slap and a reminder that tanks don't exactly get the most kills.
I was taking a trip down memory lane, thanks to the various items in those crates, when I was brought back to reality by the sound of something teleporting in behind me. I turned to face the noise and found myself a few metres away from a four-armed, blue-skinned alien in platinum armour. It had wings of light and a mace bearing many carvings that emanated light.
Just as I remembered why it looked familiar to me, the alien pointed in my direction and declared: "Heretic! You have been found guilty of crimes against the Wanari Empire! Face your death!"
The instant I dashed towards it, one of the alien's arm rose up and conjured a beacon of bright light above our heads. As soon as it lit up, the magic propelling me forward faded, and I fell to the ground. I looked up and immediately had to roll out of the way to avoid its mace. I ended up on my back and had to scurry backwards to avoid the repeated swings. After a few seconds my back hit something and I didn't have time to dodge another way as it brought the mace down once more. Luckily, backup had arrived, and giant blade appearing through the neck was enough to stop the alien in its tracks. I felt the silence fade as the alien dissolved into specks of light before my eyes.
I was still in a state of bewilderment when Nocturne offered me a hand-up. After getting me to my feet, he asked: "What the hell was that?"
"Bad news."
This is one day late because I fell asleep before writing that last line and forgot about it until I was falling asleep tonight. I am the most professional of people.
