EAUGH
Chapter 64: Happy Tree Man
Wednesday 27th 09:50:
"Okay, you fucking plebeians, today we're going to dissect something and you're all gonna learn how that shit inside works. However, I can't find anyone willing to be the test subject, so I guess we're just gonna have to kill an animal and have a look inside that."
"So that's why you've brought us to this swamp! Pix, you owe me a cupcake." Lulu exclaimed cheerfully, prompting the little flying thing to let out a sigh and fly off. No clue where that thing was meant to get a cupcake from.
"Well, I certainly didn't bring you lot here for the scenery. Now, find me something big and breathing that I can kill. And I swear to fucking god, if one of you points to a tree I am going to bomb everything you own from orbit."
Ezreal put his hand up and immediately asked: "What if someone gets lost?"
"There's a bunch of drones that are following each and every one of you. If you get lost, I'll know. They're even equipped with defibrillators in case one of you manages to die. So you're as safe as can be."
Everyone seemed pretty happy with that, so they all wandered off in various directions, except Ahri of course. She was probably waiting for another chance to yell at me about ruining her outfit by bringing the class to a swamp.
I was pleasantly surprised when she just had a question: "So what are we actually looking for?"
"It doesn't really matter. Just something big enough that I can show how organs look and function together."
"I feel like these lessons don't really follow much of a structure."
"Not for now. The first few lessons are just to get people interested. Once they're all done with we will be moving on to a schedule of lessons. It will teach you all everything you will need to know for the exams."
"The exams that you made, I'm guessing."
"Of course. I wouldn't trust any of the locals with the task."
"And I'm assuming you're about to specify that nothing I do will convince you to let me cheat."
"Not a damn thing." I cheerfully answered before turning and heading off into the dense treeline.
"I'm not surprised, but I am disappointed."
"Ahri, school is about learning, not passing tests."
"But when am I going to need to know how the liver works?"
"When you're deciding what to stab to inflict the most pain with the lowest chance of a fatality. Or other, slightly less psychopathic things."
"Is the liver really the worst bit to get stabbed in?"
"Hell if I know, I use an axe. Plus, most people are gonna die if you hit them with a knife anyway. Even if it's only in the foot. From across the map." I paused before mumbling: "Fucking luckers."
"You're not being very convincing."
"Well, to be honest, biology is a pretty shitty subject anyway. It, unlike the good ones, actually makes sense sometimes. Where's the fun in that?"
"By 'good ones' I assume you mean 'good one' and by 'good one' you mean physics."
"Maybe."
After a little bit of silence, Ahri asked: "So, if you don't mind me asking, why are we trying to kill something from around here? Shouldn't we find something that has the same organs as us?"
"Are you volunteering?"
She glared at me for a few seconds before I clarified: "Kidding. I'm pretty sure there are rules against that."
"Oh yeah, it's just the rules that are stopping that from happening." She agreed sarcastically as a fire appeared on my shoulder.
"That's hot, you know. Not even in the sexual way, like, it is in the 'I'm not in any armour and this is really warm' kind of way."
It disappeared after a second and Ahri was about to speak when there was a loud splash behind me and something groaned. When I turned to face it, a giant alligator had emerged from the water and was staring at us.
"Yeah, that'll work fine."
I retrieved my axe and hurled it at the beast. It embedded itself in the alligator's neck and killed it pretty much instantly. It hit the ground and I looked over at Ahri.
"That was…"
"… Just about the most effective thing you've ever done."
"I'm not sure what to do now. I guess we just… proceed with the lesson."
"Guess so."
Ahri's POV:
A while later (15:00):
After sitting down in the water next to him, Zoh put his arm over my shoulders. I smiled at him and asked: "Remember when we used to sit here and just talk? I probably learned most of what I know about you while submerged chest-deep in water."
"Don't lie, you were mostly just above 'chest-deep'."
"What can I say, the only person who likes showing off more than me is you."
"I can't argue that. But I would say there is still a lot about me you don't know."
"There can't be that much."
"You'd be surprised. I did do a lot before I met you."
"You keep saying that but I don't think you realise that it's kinda disheartening."
"Oh, I realise. I enjoy reminding you about how much of a detrimental effect you have had on the galaxy."
"Greeeeaaaat."
"Don't worry, I'm just kidding. Before I came to Runeterra I was in a purposefully dead-end position that would've got me killed if Dis had looked away for more than a second."
"Sometimes I forget that we only met because Dis thought it'd be interesting."
"I owe him for that, and quite a lot more. I wish I had gotten a chance to repay him."
I leaned over and kissed his cheek before whispering: "I doubt he was expecting you to. What can you give a man who already has everything?"
"Is that why you keep asking me what sort of Birthday presents I want?"
"Yeah. Too bad you keep giving me the generic parent-like answer."
"Am I so bad for saying your company is enough?"
"YES! You are! It's super annoying! Not to mention useless."
"Just… do something that only you can. You know me better than anyone, so just use that knowledge."
I sighed and admitted: "I'll get Shen's help at some point."
"Fair enough, he gives amazing presents… hey, since we're on the subject, what do you want?"
"A gun. Running around so much in fights gets tiring."
"No but really."
"Okay, to be honest, I'd quite like to get a ring."
"Oh, alright. What kind would you prefer?"
"There was one Morgana got recently that was quite nice. Something like that maybe…"
"So…. A gold one?"
"No, any kind of engagement ring will do."
"Can't give you one of those. They're only for when you're proposing to someone."
I furrowed my brow at him and sighed: "How can a human be so dense…?"
He put his finger up and was about to explain before I added: "Don't say a word. Don't even think about it."
Zoh held his breath and stare at me, probably hoping for me to say when he could talk again.
"You're too cute to stay mad at." I admitted before giving him a kiss which was, of course, interrupted by Shen.
"Zoh, you're needed urgently. There's a little man in a space suit in the lobby who is demanding to see you. Something about another planet getting hit?"
"Did he say when it happened?"
"He was using present tense. So either now or moments ago."
"Oh, fuck. I'll be right there."
Shen disappeared and Zoh turned to me: "You know I have to go."
"Yeah, but can you please deal with whatever's doing it this time? The last thing we need right now is a genocidal alien race turning up."
He got up and prepared to go while starting: "Technically, we don't know for sure that it's genocidal aliens." He waited until he was dressed and by the exit button before continuing: "But yeah, it's totally genocidal aliens."
Zoh disappeared, so I was left with pretty much nothing to do. I sat there for a while before muttering: "Can't believe I just got cock-blocked by aliens."
I shrugged and left to find something to do.
A while later (18:00):
The gardens were particularly nice to look at those days. They'd managed to clean off all the creepy void-stuff that Kog'Maw left around the place, but it had done something to all the plants. They were all glowing slightly which, while nice to look at, was also kinda concerning. I was also scared of finding out what the magic had done to the bugs in that area. I'd heard the stories of bugs as big as cows roaming Shurima in hordes of thousands, and children getting lifted off their feet by giant flies. Though, I was pretty certain the second one was just a case of Southern Ionian 'truth-bending'.
Despite the slight fear of the wildlife, I was having a pretty relaxing time. I was sitting on a bench in the shade of a slightly strange-looking tree. There were a few other people mingling around the gardens, but I didn't pay much attention to any of them. It wasn't like I was going to get any sort of interesting conversation from Maokai.
I didn't notice Irelia approaching until she greeted me: "Hey, Ahri. Mind if I sit here?"
"Oh, uh, sure."
She smiled and took a seat on the bench.
After a couple seconds she asked: "So, what brings you here?"
"Eh, got bored, so I'm just enjoying nature. It's a bit 'cultivated' for my tastes, but you take what you can get when you can't be bothered to find someone for a teleport. What about you?"
"Hiding, basically. Bad break-up."
"Oh, really? Who was it?"
"Just a Summoner I knew as a kid." She paused to scratch her head: "He's uh… he's not taking it well."
"Is it bad or bad?"
"Eh."
"Eh?"
She shrugged and answered: "He was going way too fast so… he's gotta go live with his parents when he's not here."
"How long were you together?"
"A few weeks. Almost four."
"And he tried to… move in with you?"
"He did. I didn't have the heart to tell him 'no' when he said he'd sold his house. I think that was his idea of a surprise."
"Wow. Sounds like you did the right thing getting out of there fast."
"That's what Janna told me, too. But, that stuff is always a risk when you date Summoners. Something about the idea of controlling the every action of a person for long periods of time attracts weird people."
"When you put it that way, I'm not so surprised that some of them are messed-up. I guess it's a good thing I never had to deal with that."
"Well, dating Champs isn't always that much better. Remember Draven and Sejuani?"
I chuckled and replied: "Hah, yeah, that was pretty awful. I heard she demanded her boar sleep on the bed with them."
"Nah, heh, that was just a rumour. It did stay in the room though."
"Damn. I mean, I've slept in a room with enough explosives to split the planet in half, but I can't say I've ever slept with a Freljordian Boar in the room."
"I dunno, I think I've had worse."
"What?! Oh, I've gotta hear this."
"Okay, so it was just a couple days after the First Battle of the League. Everyone just sorta disappeared, so I went back to Ionia. Well, one night when I couldn't find any town to sleep in, I just sorta slept in the middle of a forest. As you well know, Ionian forests are usually pretty safe places. Well…"
"Well…?"
"Turns out Zyra had moved to Ionia. I woke up to her face glaring at me from a couple inches away."
"Oof, nasty. How'd you get away?"
"I just shouted 'hey, look at that', then ran like hell."
A tree-man's face appeared between us, accompanied with a laugh: "Haha, nice one!"
My survival instincts were clearly on-point, because I just screamed and fell off the bench, hitting my head on the path.
Irelia chuckled at me while the tree-man clambered over the bench to offer me his hand: "I am sorry, little fox. I woke up in time to hear that wonderful story and assumed you knew I was there."
I rubbed my head while letting him help me up, stating: "I knew something was off with that tree… anyway, what's your name?"
"My friends call me 'Ivern', and everything is my friend."
"I'm Ahri, nice to meet you."
"I remember you. We met once, though it was back when you moved on four legs."
"You met me as a fox? When?"
"Well, a while back I promised Scuttle that I'd take her to Ionia and while we were there we met a few of your kind. You were an especially friendly little one, and it made me feel so bad when we had to move on from your territory. I was hoping we'd go back through and see you again when our little vacation was done but… it turned into a bit of an adventure."
"I'm sorry, I don't really remember that very well. My memory is a bit foggy about those days."
"No need to apologise, it is perfectly normal for people such as yourself to struggle to recall past lives. I couldn't even tell you what my name was as a human. However, I think I just had a wonderful idea."
"I don't have a good history with 'wonderful' ideas..."
"Then let this be the exception. How about we go on an adventure? The nature in this area is truly magnificent, especially if you know the right places to look."
I considered it for a moment before realising I was just watching nature anyway, so I nodded: "Okay, Ivern. Irelia, are you coming?"
"Can't think of a better way to avoid Shinji."
Ivern threw his hands into the air and flung a bunch of dust up, exclaiming: "Fantastic! We're going to make so many new friends!"
The dust slowly fell back past Ivern and to the ground. After a moment, he sneezed, mumbling: "Ooh, I hope I'm not getting pollen allergies. That would be incredibly inconvenient."
Ivern led us off in a seemingly-random direction. As we journeyed through the scenic forests, it was as though every creature there wanted to come out and greet us, no doubt thanks to Ivern's presence. We slowly gathered an escort of insects, deer, and everything in-between. The tree-man would start up conversations with them, even though I was almost certain they couldn't understand him. Talking in English to a mutated squirrel didn't seem like it would work very well, but then again, I wasn't very experienced at talking to mutated squirrels. Or normal ones, come to think of it.
After a while, we came upon some of the many strange ruins that seemed to litter the forests surrounding the League. They were usually pretty small and damaged beyond recognition, but this one was clearly quite different. It looked absolutely ancient, with vines and moss covering most of its marble surface, which was almost perfectly intact. A few missing bits here or there didn't obscure the incredibly odd architecture. It was like a large watchtower, but twisted all the way up its length. Four pyramids, each about half as tall as the tower itself, flanked it on all sides. They were all made of square blocks that, despite the weathering effect of time, had faint symbols etched into each and every one of them.
I went over to the main tower and inspected it, quickly finding an entrance. When I turned around, Ivern was in an intense staring-match with a bush and Irelia was clambering up one of the pyramids, so I decided to travel inside by myself. Thanks to the holes in the walls, there was plenty of light, not that there was a whole lot to actually see. It was so old that anything that was there had disintegrated ages ago. The only things left were an assortment of stone furniture, all of which was broken. What I did start to slowly notice was the huge number of gems that decorated the walls, floors and ceilings. They were discreet enough that if you didn't focus on them you'd probably just pass them off as glass or painted areas.
Seeing as there wasn't much to actually do on the bottom floor, I went over to the stairs and, with extreme caution, started to scale them. They were mostly stable and didn't seem to have many missing pieces, but I wasn't about to start running up them. There was nothing in-between the top and bottom floors. It was empty all the way up, despite the abundance of space to use.
When I did eventually reach the top, I was mostly enormously surprised to find another gem, this time about the side of my hand, suspended in the middle of the floor by pillars coming from above and below. It was green on the outside but the centre glowed an ominous yellow, constantly shifting and flickering like a flame. I assumed it served some sort of purpose as a warning signal, considering that floor had no walls. If it was lit up somehow, anyone for miles around would be able to see it if they looked in the right direction.
I was really starting to wonder how looters had missed this place. The gems in that place must have been worth enough to buy a Demacian mansion. Or a day's rent for an apartment in Piltover.
I got my answer the second I stepped towards the gem. A spirit ascended from the floor, so foggy-looking I could barely make out a single feature of it.
"Prepare for your doom, puny mortal! I am an all-powerful spirit, only susceptible to harm from a very specific and unusual form of magic that very few people use! For you to be one of those people would be like me finding a murderous needle in a haystack of easily-murderable hay!"
I threw my orb at him and he quickly started to dissipate.
"Curses! What were the chances?!"
"Hmm. Lucky me, I guess." I shrugged then went over to the gem. It got suddenly freezing when I got close, but I decided it was a good idea to touch it anyway. Surprisingly, it didn't go badly for me. The gem let out a wail then turned off like a torch. All colour was gone completely from it. Just a very dark black.
I thought I'd broken it until, a few seconds after I touched it, the gem sparked back to life. This time, though, the centre burned white and the rest was red.
"Strange, how does it know my style?"
When I reached out for it again, the pillars receded away from it, but the gem remained floating for a couple seconds. I didn't know what to do until it dropped and I instinctively caught it.
I brought it up to my face and inspected it, noting that it was slowly heating up the area around me, apparently reversing its previous effect.
From the corner of my eye I noticed another spirit, this time dropping from the ceiling. It was clear enough for me to tell that it was a person in some incredibly strange clothing. It looked like someone had taken a few dozen pieces of modern art and thrown them into a meat grinder.
"Greetings, puny mortal! I see you are wondering what the hell that thing is that you're holding! And probably a lot more! Luckily for you, I am here to provide any answers you need. Think of me as a user manual for the stone: I can only give you canned explanations and you're ultimately going to have to do the majority of the figuring-out on your own, but I have to be here according to various consumer product regulations!"
"Riiiiiigggghhttt. So, uhh, what exactly is it?"
"That right there is a Lerko Industries Soul Stone! It reflects upon the user and alters its appearance accordingly! It can also emit a very bright light! That one was being used as a warning light, as any enemy forces that captured the post would make it emit a yellow light, thus warning nearby stations of the threat."
"So then why is it red and white?"
"You know those cheap mood rings that change colour depending on your emotions? It works in much the same way. The red shows passion, anger, love and such. The white is to show that you're a bitch, basically."
He smiled at me before shaking his head: "Nah, I'm just kidding. It's white to indicate fear, loss…. Sometimes it can also mean you're an idiot. I think it's fair to say, that's probably the case here."
I shook my head at him and sighed.
"It's a good thing my boss has been dead for millennia, or I'd be sooooo fired. But hey, fuck him. Should'a given me the raise when I was still alive."
"Final question: Do you go wherever the stone goes or do you stay here?"
"I stay here and scare the shit out of any children that happen to come within a five hundred metre radius."
"Okay, cool, bye."
"Cya, bitch!" He shouted with entirely too much enthusiasm as I started to descend the stairs.
I eventually made it to the bottom and found Irelia staring at some of the gems in the walls.
"Not thinking about stealing any priceless artefacts, are you?"
Vg ty x
She turned and laughed: "Nope, but I learned architecture in college and this place is just…. Disgusting."
"Yeah, I did wonder about that… oh hey, I know who to ask. Hey, user manual!"
He floated down from the ceiling and asked: "Another question?"
"Why does this place look so weird?"
"All of my civilisation's people were on copious amounts of drugs. Every second of every minute of every day."
"Ok, thanks. You can go away now."
He injected himself with a ghostly needle to prove the point then disappeared through a wall.
I looked at Irelia and shrugged: "Don't ask. I don't know."
"I tend to not ask about ghosts. It's really difficult trying to work out which one of the hundreds of destroyed civilisations they came from."
"At least we can take comfort in the fact that ours aren't the most fucked-up to ever rise."
"I'd argue Bilgewater must be one of the worst. They did give the world Gangplank, after all."
"That's a damn good point. And Illaoi, too."
"Urgh, don't remind me. The one person who feels more bullshit than me. Lacking counter-play is my job, damnit!"
A while later (20:10):
If I had sat there for a while longer, I could have watched the night flow over the land. All the way from one mountain range to the next. Maybe, if I had Zoh there to sit with, I might have. I could've listened as he told me stories about beautiful sunsets on far-away worlds, and let him make his promises about taking me to see each and every one.
He really was my best friend, despite how weird it felt to think about it. I could never say for sure why, but I guessed it was a natural reflex. I was born to roam around from place to place, never sticking around long enough to get familiar. That stopped being a viable option when I got myself caught up in world events. And it was all because of one stupid man who stole my heart.
I had a good idea when he was getting back, so I decided I'd do something nice for him. What I was actually going to do was something I'd have to work out in the meantime.
The League building was barely a couple minutes away from the wall of darkness when Ivern shouted: "I've found a passage, let's go!"
I jumped up and looked in the direction the shout came from. He was waving from further along the side of the mountain. I looked down the other way to make sure Irelia had heard him too, and she definitely had. By the time I had started to head in the direction of Ivern, Irelia was already beside me.
We reached him and I had to wonder about his usage of 'passage'. It wasn't so much a 'passage' as a 'dangerously misshapen cave'. It looked like a spikey teardrop with the bottom quarter sliced off. After peering inside for a moment, I noticed the lack of stalagmites or stalactites. I remembered one of the many tangents Zoh went on while teaching was about those, and I was pretty sure that meant the cave was new.
Zoh's non-existent fear of doing dumb and dangerous things must have rubbed off on me, because I strolled right in. I guess it pretty much worked out fine cause, after only a couple seconds of walking up a slightly wet ramp, I saw the exit. It was only a couple metres away, so it wasn't very long before I ended up on the other side. Ivern definitely was right when he said that he knew the mountain wasn't 'dead'. It was basically a volcano with a bunch of plants and trees instead of lava.
The sun had long-since stopped shining down from the top of the volcano, but it was still pretty much as bright as a usual day. I started to notice that pretty much everything there was glowing. The trees, the grass, even the creatures. It was all glowing in a huge range of colours. It was mostly dominated by blue, but large areas were almost completely green.
Almost instantly after emerging from the cave, Ivern squealed and ran around introducing himself to everything. He seemed to be making a lot of new friends, so I decided to leave him to it for a while.
"Irelia, wanna look around?"
"Definitely, but tread lightly. Places like this are sacred in my part of Ionia."
I nodded before walking towards the centre, where I could see a pool of water.
"So, what are things like where you're from? I hope it hasn't been too badly trashed by all the recent stuff."
"Where I live when I'm not around the League is fine but where I was born… I don't know how, but it was destroyed in the Noxian invasion. Only a few of the people in my family were away when it happened."
"I'm so sorry. I didn't realise."
"You couldn't have known. Everyone Ionian lost something or someone in that invasion. Except you, I guess. You only popped up at the end of it."
"Yeah. I like to think, if I became a person just a couple months sooner, I'd have helped but… that's probably not true. I would be a very different person without Zoh."
"If that had happened, you'd probably be dead. Shen and Akali would have probably been sent to kill or capture you, like what they did with Jhin."
"Now that you bring it up, I'd be dead. I think my first interaction with them was getting knocked out."
"Yeah, I read the report."
"There was a report about me?"
"You and whatever-his-name-is. We had scattered sightings of you two and some clearly-false personal accounts. It was a real concern among the higher-ups in the Ionian military that Mordekaiser was trekking through the lowlands. We had a few farmers say they'd spoken to him and could confirm it was Morde."
"Was there a reward for information or something?"
"No, actually. Can't honestly say why they would lie about that."
"Strange. Guess they thought it was funny." I supposed while kneeling down next to the water and staring in. It was so strangely clear, I was pretty sure I wouldn't have even seen it if it wasn't moving. I couldn't even see my own reflection in it.
I looked over at Irelia and stated: "I'm starting to think this isn't water."
She sat down next to me and pulled a bit of paper from somewhere in her armour. After checking the writing, probably to see if it was important, she threw the paper into the pool. It fizzled and dissolved in only a few seconds.
"Yup. Definitely not water."
I looked around the pool and noticed that roots from most of the nearby trees and shrubs found their way into the pool in one way or another. My best guess was that the stuff that made everything glow wasn't very friendly when mixed with rainwater.
"Maybe we shouldn't hang around here too long. You know, considering the acid and all."
Irelia nodded in agreement but added: "Ivern will likely be fine though."
"Better warn him anyway. Then… uhh…"
"There's a new taco stand in the Merchant Wing."
"Better not waste any time then."
Much later (22:30):
Why did I bother to check myself over so many times? It's not like Zoh was going to notice that I'd missed a tiny spot with my eye-shadow, or that my heels were a slightly different shade of red to my dress. But nope. Something continually forced me to fix those minor issues. I guess I just didn't want anything to spoil the night.
I eventually managed to tear myself from the mirror and dropped myself onto the sofa. That didn't last long, as I soon was on the edge of my seat. Barely moments later I was pacing from one wall to another, thinking up every possible conversation we could get in and how I'd deal with it. What if he asked me about something new? I didn't want to seem like an idiot by asking too many questions, but I had to seem interested.
The door-handle turned, so I dashed across the room to the sofa and tried to look chill. Or sexy. Or whatever I was trying to achieve there. I didn't really get time to think about it.
Zoh stepped in and quickly noticed me, just standing there and staring for a couple seconds.
"Is this another fetish thing or are we going somewhere?"
"It's a beautiful night, so I booked an outdoor table at that nice restaurant."
"Oh, that's a good idea. Mind if I get changed first?"
I hadn't even noticed that he was absolutely covered in mud everywhere but the face, which had clearly been just as bad before he wiped it.
"That, too, is a good idea."
He closed the door and nodded before jogging over to the shower-button. The moment he disappeared I smacked my forehead and mumbled: "What the fucking fuck! 'That, too, is a good idea'? That's the least sexy way I could have phrased it! When did I suddenly get so bad at this?"
Only a couple minutes later he appeared without any clothes on and walked over to his room. I, of course, stared the whole way.
When he emerged from his room he looked perfect. How he managed to get it right on his first try, I couldn't say.
After standing up, I stuttered out: "You look great."
He stepped up to me and put his hands on my hips, replying: "I'd love to compliment you back, but I don't know a language with words strong enough."
"You sure do make me feel bad at this 'romance' thing."
"I do have to try a bit harder than you. All you need to do to keep my attention is exist."
"And I've spent how many hours now feeling your muscles?"
"Good point. Now, shall we? I'm getting hungry."
"Can't have that. You'll need your energy for later." I hinted before giving him a quick kiss.
We headed out and through the halls. They were wonderfully empty of other people, leaving all my attention on every word Zoh said.
For the life of me, I couldn't understand why I was suddenly so bad at keeping my composure around Zoh. It felt like I was right back when I found him after all those months apart.
Maybe I was just starting my period or something dumb like that.
When we arrived to the restaurant, a snobby guy with a French accent guided us to our table. The outside area had an Ionian feel to it. Most of the art-pieces were water-based and the area was split up by paper and wood walls. There were very few light-sources, making it incredibly easy to just stare up and see all that the stars had to offer. Just based on how quiet it was, with the faint sounds of water being the main noise, I guessed that we were some of the only ones there.
Once the snobby guy left, I asked: "Do you reckon that's the same guy from the first time we came here?"
"I kind of hope so. I don't think the world can handle more than one guy with that accent."
"I hope so too. It'd be kind of funny if he was the only guy who managed to keep his job through it all."
"We kept our jobs, didn't we?"
"I'm pretty sure all those times Summoners tried to kill us count as an unofficial 'you're fired' message."
"Don't know about that, it might have just been their way of showing their affection. Most of these guys and girls don't exactly have the time to develop people skills."
"Your people skills weren't always the best, but I have fond memories of the times you've shown me your affection."
"That's because I know what you like, to an extent. I think it's fair to say that there'll always be a bit of mystery to you."
"You're definitely right about that. Nothing entices a man quite like a good mystery."
"You don't seem to feel it works the other way around, though, with how often you ask about me."
"What can I say, little gets you as enthusiastic as talking about stuff you love. It's adorable."
"I'm glad you enjoy it so much. If you want, we've got plenty of time to answer some questions."
I leaned back in my seat and smiled at him before asking: "I have been wondering something recently: did you always act like you do now, or did you change when you met me?"
"I think everyone acts a bit differently around different kinds of people. I wouldn't talk to Shen the same way I would talk to my grandparents."
"But that's just talk. Did you always just build dangerous things around people just because you thought it'd be alright? Did you always go out of your way to find the bright side of every situation? Did you always wear nothing but suits?"
"To be honest, no. Most of the time, I had to be what I was told to be. Whenever I managed to escape and travel the galaxy, I'd try to act in the way that felt most natural, but it never lasted long. So I'd always end up in same old 'yes-man' routine. For a couple weeks after arriving here I was only ever acting in the way that felt like it was me. Took a while before I realised that's because it actually is me."
"And here I was thinking you were always an ass."
"Nah, only around you." He joked while grinning at me.
"Thanks for proving my point. Now, I got another question, but I need you to know, you don't have to answer it if you don't want to."
"Oh, I'm sure I'll enjoy this… Go ahead."
"Why are we still just dating? There's another step we can take but we're just… not."
Zoh sighed and I immediately repeated: "You don't have to answer if you don't wanna."
"No, no, it's fine. You deserve an answer at this point." He took a breath before continuing: "Basically, I can't shake this feeling in every bone in my body that something awful is going to happen soon. With entire planetary populations disappearing, people invading our apartment and nearly killing us, not even to mention the immortal demi-god who seems to have developed a grudge against me personally."
"And you think that means we can't?"
"Not that we can't, just that we shouldn't. In my culture, the second you give someone that engagement ring you're on the clock. If you take too long to actually get married, it's seen as an insult. Almost like you regret giving it to them. I know that doesn't matter to you, but it means everything to me. It's meant to be the happiest day of someone's life, and I'm not going to let anything ruin that for you. When the time is right, you'll know it's coming. That's a promise."
"I understand. I won't bring it up unless you do, okay?"
"Thanks. Now then, I suppose we should actually get some food."
"Wouldn't be a very good romantic dinner without the 'dinner' bit."
It didn't take long for us to find a waiter and get some food on the table. The whole way through I was quizzing Zoh on various things. For some of those answers I could've sworn he was just messing with me, but everything about his life was so fucked-up that I couldn't actually say for sure.
"And what about the guys? Were they hot too?"
"I'm not really the leading expert on this, but I'd say so. Literally everyone was, you know, eleven out of ten."
"Holy shit, dude. Why would you ever leave?"
"They were a bunch of condescending cunts, to be honest. I was one of the ugly ones there and they made sure to remind me of it every goddamn minute. Even when I was in the middle of setting up their spaceport."
"Well fuck me, that sounds awful all of a sudden."
"Yeah, that's why I left. But you know the best bit?"
"What?"
"You'd still be hot there. I consider that a win for team me."
"I consider myself a win for team Zoh too. So, anyway, what was the one after the hot planet? Not the violent one, the other one."
"Oh, uh, the… the lucky idiots! Fucking good time, that planet. The dominant species there was these sort of humanoid green dudes who were all super muscly but so goddamn dumb. They had a space program where they'd just take people's houses, put rocket fuel in it, throw an 'astronaut' in there and set the thing off."
"That can't have honestly worked."
"It bloody-well did though! One guy's house was built so strangely that it functioned perfectly as a rocket, and they required so little of anything to survive that the guy they sent up landed on their moon and survived for years. Problem was, one of them invented teleportation the day after, so they forgot about the poor bastard for years."
"So, was he actually an astronaut or…?"
"Nope. They just bolted a sign saying 'space man' to someone the closest person around. The thing is, they were all so ridiculously nice that no-one actually complained when they were thrown into a box full of explosives and blown up."
"Oh, I've gotta go there sometime. It's just gotta happen."
"Agreed. But just remember that they're a bit hardier than humans. You're gonna want to prepare when one of them tries to pat you on the back, which they do a lot."
"Oh, they do? Reminds me of a couple guys I met while you weren't around."
"That so? What were they like?"
"Both a bit on the chubby side of things, not particularly good looking, but super nice to be around. You could ask for anything and they'd do it without hesitation. They didn't seem as enthusiastic to do stuff for other people, though."
"I think I can tell why."
"Yeah, that's what I'd guess too. At least neither of them tried anything. Or, at least, I don't think either of them did."
"You're not sure?"
"Hey, how could I have known? They were from Zaun, after all. For all I know, one of them opening a door for me could've meant he was asking me out on a date."
"I'm pretty sure you, of all people, should know when someone has a crush on you."
"I was exactly focusing on it. The whole time I was getting help from them, it was so that I could search for you."
"Ah, yes, and you did such a good job of that. Only managing to find me after I'd freed myself…"
"Hey, shut your face-hole, I did my best! They didn't exactly tell the world where you were."
"Don't worry, don't worry, I appreciate the effort. It was… relieving, to find out you were still alive."
"You have no clue how close I was to giving up. There was no reason to still believe you were alive, but the idea of finding you again... it was the only thing that kept me going. And now, you're right there across the table." I smiled as a tear rolled down my cheek.
Zoh laid his arm on the table, his hand open. I rested my hand on his palm, letting him gently grab hold of it.
I wiped my eyes before admitting: "When I set up this date, I couldn't shake the feeling I had to say something to you. I know what it is now, and I know there's no amount of saying it that's going to feel like enough, but I love you. With everything I have, I love you. I need another way to say it but I- just anything to-"
He got up from his seat and stepped around the table, pulling me up to my feet. I was so flustered that I didn't know what to do when he pulled me close. After a second he whispered: "Show me."
Everything slipped away when his lips met mine. The only sensations that I could feel were the feeling of warm, soft lips against my own and the tingling in my chest. It was only in moments like that when I felt like I was complete. I couldn't even think about my problems and worries when Zoh had me in his arms like that. That was a feeling that I couldn't ever get tired of.
I slid back into reality when Zoh pulled away, his arms still holding our bodies against one-another.
"Whoa… I guess it's good that I'm still not used to that…"
"We're gonna put that to the test when we get back to the bedroom."
"I won't be able to stop you, once you see what I'm hiding under this dress."
"Call me a cheater, but…" He paused just before we appeared outside the apartment: "I can't wait."
He opened the door and led me in, but I stopped him in the middle of the room.
"Now, now, I want you to enjoy this properly. Sit down."
Zoh did as asked and went to the armchair, but not before I managed to slide off his tie. He removed his jacket and threw it aside before taking a seat. I stepped in front of him and made sure he was seated comfortably before beginning the show.
Intentionally slowly, I undid the clip behind my neck. I caressed the curves of my body for a couple seconds, beginning to revel in the bliss of the situation, before taking hold of the top of my uncharacteristically-covering dress. I slid it down my body inch by agonising inch, Zoh's anticipation growing more palpable by the second. Every few seconds, the dress would pause in its descent as I felt-up my body, fully aware of Zoh's desire to do the same.
He probably began to realise what I had been hiding when the dress fell below my breasts, but he definitely understood when my stomach was revealed. Or, more accurately, the lingerie corset that covered my stomach. It took a few more seconds for my panties, complete with a cute bow at the front, to be revealed, along with the suspenders holding up my thigh-highs. The final pieces were the heels that adorned my feet, the same snow-white as the rest of the lingerie.
I stepped out of the pile of my dress and up to the armchair before climbing onto it with my knees, coming to a stop when I was straddling Zoh's crotch. His hands couldn't be blamed for reaching down and gripping my butt.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and gave him a quick kiss before whispering: "We're not going to have sex tonight. We're going to make love."
He eagerly accepted another kiss as I began to undo his shirt buttons.
END MESSSAGE. COOLIO.
