Welcome to my first fanfic! Any comments/reviews are much appreciated as I try to improve my writing :D

This was largely inspired by Christmas but ended up being more angsty than I intended to. Oh well.


The nights never got any easier for Arizona. The one time she had prayed and hoped for a good night's sleep just had to end up like almost every other. What a waste of a Christmas wish.

She had woken up yet again in cold sweat, taking shuddering, shaky breaths as she tried to remember where she was. And as usual, the last dredges of her nightmares continued to plague her.

It wasn't just the screams. The screams she could mostly take. No, it was the sound of absolute silence in the forest as she stared up through the break in the tree foliage, rooted to the ground by her broken femur and the bugs that had happily found a home within. Despite her best efforts not to, she was always able to see in her periphery Mark and Lexie and the pilot Jerry and Tim. All dead in a pool of their own blood, leaving her alive at the centre of all the death and destruction but unable to do any damn thing for them. If her mind was feeling particularly cruel that day, it would also throw in Callie post-car crash and baby Sofia in her lap with no heartbeat.

Thank god Callie seemed to be sleeping more soundly recently. Arizona hated waking up her wife for something as stupid as a dream. Just a random burst of consciousness that could somehow reduce her to this sweaty, trembling mess. That's what she told herself on a daily basis at least.

Moving slowly, Arizona swung her leg off the bed and grasped about in the dark for her crutches. It was too dark to try and find her prosthetic. She hobbled out of the room, careful to open and close the door as quietly as possible. There was really no point in waking Callie up at 5 am she reasoned, especially not on Christmas Day. That much she could do for her wife.

After splashing some cool water on her face in the guest bathroom and brushing her hair back into a rough ponytail with her fingers, Arizona collapsed onto the couch with a heavy sigh.

She stared blankly at the decorations they had finally put up last weekend, as Arizona tried to tune out the barrage of thoughts in her head. The blood. The suffering. The bugs. The smell of the woods.

Arizona let out a bitter laugh. Huh, last Christmas before planes came crashing out of the sky, she was actually happy. And here she was, a completely different Arizona Robbins, no longer the rainbows and sprinkles and Heelys sneaks Robbins, but death and doom and crutches Robbins.

She needed to distract herself. And fast, or else she knew she was going to spiral deeper and deeper into the whirlpool of never-ending negative thoughts.

Pulling herself up with her one crutch again, Arizona took the 5 carefully calculated steps to the kitchen, desperately looking for something to do.

Callie was usually very neat when it came to their kitchen, but last night she had left out the paper bags of groceries full of sweets and icing, ready for an afternoon of gingerbread house decorating with Sofia later today.

That gave her an idea. She looked under the kitchen island and spied the box she wanted right at the back with the other appliances that she and Callie hadn't gotten around to using.

She got to work pulling out the flat box, the bag of all-purpose flour and Callie's over-the-top box of baking supplies. She rummaged through the box and various drawers around the kitchen, littering the small countertop with all the items she needed.

Her hands worked like clockwork on their own accord, measuring out flour, milk, baking soda and a dash of vanilla essence with ease as if she did this every day. In reality, it's probably been a couple of years since she last did this, but the recipe had been ingrained in her since childhood.

Arizona almost felt normal again. With the counter providing sufficient support, she abandoned her crutch as she mixed up the pancake batter and pre-heated the fancy pancake griddle that April had gifted them for their wedding.

Was that really only two years ago? Two years since Calliope stood in front of her looking more beautiful than an angel and their little family felt perfect and complete. It felt like a lifetime ago to Arizona, back when she thought that the car crash was the worst thing that could happen to the two of them and that for sure life was done throwing shit at them. Huh, how wrong she was.

Lost in the memory of Callie in her wedding dress looking absolutely radiant with that bright smile on her face that she never sees anymore, Arizona lifted the bowl and took a step to her left to the griddle.

Or at least she tried to because before she knew it, Arizona completely lost her balance. She flung her arms outwards and managed to catch herself on the kitchen sink before she could fall but in doing so, the bowl in her hands clattered loudly onto the floor.

Shit. she hoped that didn't wake Callie.

Of course, as soon as the thought entered her head, the door to the master bedroom was thrown open and a very frazzled Callie appeared at the doorway.

Well, so much for not waking her up.

Callie's eyes scanned the room hurriedly, but they relaxed slightly when she saw Arizona was standing. Still, she couldn't stop the fear from seeping into her voice. "Arizona, are you ok?"

She grimaced as she replied, "I couldn't sleep."

"I —I know, but I wanted to give you some space. Then I heard the crash and I got worried, so I came out. Here. To check on you."

"I'm fine, Callie," Arizona said dismissively. She swivelled on her right leg and gripped the counter as she reached for the crutch leaning against it.

Hesitating, Callie walked cautiously around the kitchen island, afraid that any sudden movement and Arizona might just close off completely and stop talking to her again. Which would be par for the course in the last few months.

Callie reached down to pick up the metal bowl, which had thankfully only spilt a few droplets of batter on the floor. "What are you doing with the pancake pan so early in the morning anyways? It's barely 6 am."

Arizona leaned on the crutch for a few moments, pausing to retrieve the ladle, spatula and a squeezy bottle for the batter.

"I used to be this way on Christmas mornings. Dad and Tim and I would wake up way before Mom did, and we'll put on a cassette of Christmas songs. Dad taught us how to make the pancake batter by proportions. You know, 1 part flour, 1 part milk, 1 egg and so on. We used to make all kinds of shapes, especially Tim. One Christmas when I was six and he was eight, he even tried to make me mickey mouse shaped pancakes because Dad was on deployment that year. Although that failed spectacularly and we ended up with a funny blob-shaped pancake for breakfast."

While she talked, Arizona filled up the bottle with the batter. Callie watched as she carefully drew a couple of Christmas trees and snowmen and filled them in before asking, "Is there anything I can do to help?"

Meeting Callie's eyes with a sad smile, Arizona replied. "God, Callie, I can't sleep anymore, I can barely walk, I can't even carry Sofia on my own anymore. I feel so useless every single day because I can't do anything for my daughter; sometimes I can't even get through the day without needing to stop every 20 minutes for a break! But this, this I can do for her. I am her mom, and I can make her a Christmas breakfast."

Callie's heart shattered into a million tiny pieces.

"Arizona, you're not —" Callie began, trying to gather her thoughts. She reached out with one hand and attempted to brush away some flour that had landed on Arizona's face but Arizona just flinched and trained her gaze back to study the griddle.

The silence stretched between them as Callie leaned against the sink and pulled a couple of plates out of the dishrack.

Considering her words carefully this time, Callie tried again. "I, um, I know I don't tell you enough Arizona, but you are so strong. And don't ever tell me you are useless because you're surviving the worst thing that could've happened to a person!"

To her horror, Arizona started to tremble slightly as she used the spatula to shakily flip the pancakes.

"Shit, Arizona, I didn't mean to make you cry." Callie stepped forwards, tentatively wrapping her arms around Arizona's waist but giving her enough room to pull away. To her relief, Arizona leaned into the embrace, turning around to rest her head lightly against Callie's shoulder as she let the tears fall silently.

"Oh baby, I know, I know. Just let it out, it's alright." She rubbed Arizona's back in soothing circles, using all her strength not to break down as well. God, how often had Arizona ended up crying alone that she now cried so soundlessly? How often had she missed the tears because Arizona said she was fine and that she could go back to sleep?

The guilt ate away at Callie as she tried to calm her wife down until, at long last, she could feel Arizona lift her head to try to take a few hiccuping breaths.

Cupping her face, Callie stared deep into those red-rimmed blue eyes, brushing the tears away from her cheeks. "You, you are everything to Sofia and you are everything to me. You don't ever ever have to prove anything."

She took a deep breath before continuing. "But you have got to let me help you sometimes, ok? With the nightmares, when you're tired, anything! Because you are my wife, and I promised you that I would always be there for you at our wedding. So please, I don't care what time it is, just let me be there for you."

Arizona nodded wordlessly, biting her bottom lip as she tried to regain control of her breaths.

"Okay," she whispered. "It's just hard sometimes Calliope and I hate that I'm doing this to you. To us."

"Exactly, it's hard. So you wake me up when you have nightmares. I don't mind. We're surgeons, Arizona, we survive on like 3 hours of sleep."

"I know. I love you. And thank you for letting me cry." Another sad smile graced Arizona's face but this time, there was that glimmer of hope behind it, like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders for a while.

"I love you too."

Wiping away the tears from her eyes, Arizona suddenly remembered what she was supposed to be doing. "Oh god, the pancakes are burning."

Trying to lighten the mood, Callie grinned and reached for the spatula next to them. "Don't worry, I'll add the sprinkles and icing sugar before we wake little miss up. Or we could just make more. Besides, the first pancake's always a dud." She fished out the burning Christmas trees onto a plate, trying to see if it was salvageable at all. "She's gonna love her Christmas breakfast so much I think she's going to beg us for this for the next month. She definitely got her sweet tooth from you."

As Callie chattered on, Arizona thought, maybe it'll be alright in the end. They could get through this together. She, Calliope and their beautiful, perfect daughter. One day they will be whole again.