Just got my shit kicked in by an all-Brand team in One for All so I guess I'll just write this thing and cry vigorously.
Okay, well the crying part didn't work out after I remembered that I'm the greatest so… I guess I'll just have to only do the writing part.
Let's get on with running far too many active storylines!
Chapter 66: The Best Defence…
"… Is a planetary electromagnetic pulse generator!"
"I still don't know what that is! Or why you're building it!"
"I explained it in exact detail!" I declared while hammering some sensor modules in place.
"In about five seconds! All I heard was '… ALIENS… ENERGY BOMB… DETECTIVE… GREY-SKINNED KNOBS'!"
I dropped the hammer and turned to face her: "I'm sorry if I'm a little frustrated right now, but I just saw an entire planet die! I tried breaking things, but that was counter-productive! So now, I'm desperately trying to build something to protect Runeterra in case they come here but I can't… think properly!" I grumbled in frustration before leaning back on the device, my head bashing into something metal.
"You need to calm down. The reason you can't think properly is because it's five in the morning and I'll bet you've not slept yet."
"But I have to do something or we'll end up just like the people on Aezza!"
"Doing things isn't always the best option. In the state you're in, you could easily make a mistake that could do as much damage as the aliens that you're so afraid of."
"I am not afraid of them!"
"Yes you are! Say what you want, do what you want, but in the end, you're afraid of more than most people. You are absolutely horrified by the possibility of losing people, and that makes you afraid of anything that can take them from you."
I sighed and leaned forward lazily, falling onto the floor after a couple seconds and grumbled: "I hate it when you're right."
"That's unfortunate, considering how often it happens. Now, are you going to come to bed, or lie there moping all night long?"
"I like the second one better."
"Okay then, goodnight honey."
I grumbled in response as Ahri went back to bed.
Later (Tuesday 3rd 11:50):
The sun was trying its absolute best to melt everything on the planet, and I had a sneaking suspicion that it was succeeding. It looked that way, at least, as it had rained quite heavily just before the sun started to bake the planet. All the rain was being turned to steam and promptly returning to the sky.
Either that, or the water decided that it didn't want to fall in a Noxian city, which I could understand. Whatever that place was called, it didn't really scream 'friendly' when you looked at it. It was basically a huge fortress with a city thrown in to keep it interesting. Two main castles dominated the cityscape, situated roughly in the centre of it. It had well exceeded the reasonable number of guard towers, and the wall that surrounded the main city was, to be quite honest, excessive to the extreme. No-one needs that many spikes.
Probably the most Noxian part of the city was the fact that it didn't actually have a gate or a moat or a drawbridge. Nothing. It had a hole in the wall that was huge and basically served as a dare to anyone brave enough to invade a Noxian city. Tactically inept, but really rather intimidating.
However, I wasn't there to see the overly-spikey wall or… unique architecture. There was a factory and inside that factory was, hopefully, the group of assassins that had made an attempt on mine and Ahri's lives. Akali had managed to trail one for a few days and had worked out that some sort of meeting was meant to happen in that factory, on that day.
Obviously, I wasn't a vengeful guy at all. I just really wanted to murder someone and those guys just so happened to be perfectly murderable. Revenge played no part in it. None.
That's what I kept telling myself as I smashed through the side of the building at astonishing speeds, landing/disintegrating a machine of some sort as I landed. Jetpacks are just the coolest.
I shook the dizziness away then looked around, spotting the lot of them running for the doors.
"Hey, fuckers! Why are you running? I brought hookers!"
I noticed a couple of them slow down in confusion, just before those beautiful hooks smashed through the walls. The fact that the guy who got zapped unconscious by Blitz was the lucky one was saying something about just how fucked the other two were. Naut and Thresh were, surprisingly, not very pleasant to be close to.
Who'd have thought?
Even with three of them effectively apprehended, I still had to chase down two people. To a regular person, that would've been a massive disadvantage. However, I had a jetpack. A poorly made, hastily constructed, considerably damaged jetpack, but still a jetpack.
I aimed myself vaguely in the direction that they'd ran off to and pressed the button. The wall exploded to bits as I flew through it, coming to a halt on the pavement outside. At the other end of the alley I spotted one of them, about to turn a corner. Trusting my backup to get the other, I blasted off in the direction of the bastard, but he ran around the corner before I could catch up. My shoulder slammed into the building at the end of the alley, but it didn't crumple.
"That is one properly constructed building…" I mumbled before staring down the way he ran. The surroundings opened up into one of the main streets, but I could see where he'd parted the crowd.
Running after him, I had to barge my way through the crowd. Using the jetpack would have made all kinds of bad things happen for everyone involved.
"Stop that man! The one with the mask and hammer!"
A couple Noxian guards managed to get in his way, but he just smashed through them.
I was just starting to gain on him when he jumped off a bridge, falling to a path that went under the main road. I quickly checked that it was clear before throwing myself off after him. Landing on a knee, I immediately started running after him again. There were less people to pass, but still too many to use the jetpack.
The path widened into a massive set of stairs with buildings on either side. With no alleys to use, he had to run down the stairs. They weren't steep enough to slow him down much, but they were sparsely populated and wide enough that I could use the jetpack.
I collided with him at full speed, grabbing him and sending us both rapidly to the bottom of the stairs. That definitely hurt and I was dazed momentarily, but he was definitively knocked-out.
After explaining the situation to some very angry guards, I took the hammer guy to the meeting place. Upon arriving, I was very disappointed to see that only Thresh still had the guy he'd grabbed.
"What the hell happened to the other two?"
"Well… he was very slippery. He also did something to Blitz that shut him down for a while." Naut explained while avoiding my gaze.
"And what were you doing this whole time?"
"Trying to catch them! But… they were very slippery."
"And you, Thresh?"
"I was pre-occupied! Someone has to teach this mongrel the meaning of suffering."
"Couldn't it wait for- you know what, never mind. Ahri, what happened to the other guy?"
"He got me with another of those damn flashbangs."
I sighed and shrugged: "At least we got two of them. Who wants to do the interrogating?"
Thresh stared at me for a few seconds. I started to feel really cold, so I agreed: "Perfect man for the job. Let's go."
A few days later (Thursday 23:00):
"The question I've got, is why do they even need an elemental? Who decided 'oh yeah, we're not gonna spend our time getting explosives or other terrorist things, we're gonna make an elemental'? And it's an ice one, too! That's the dumbest of the lot!"
"Elementals aren't used for a reason. They can become far too powerful to control very easily. Could be a good thing, if you plan on just letting it loose in the League's direction."
"Well, at least these guys have a reason for hating the League. That last group was just doing it to be assholes."
"I thought they were trying to kill Annie to prevent some sort of apocalypse?"
"They told you that?"
"I heard it from Akali."
"They told Akali that?"
"She heard it from Tibbers."
"Tibbers can talk?"
"Apparently."
"I'm not sure I believe you, but then again, I've seen stranger things."
"Zoh, you ARE a stranger thing than a talking bear."
"That's… not entirely untrue- ANYWAY, let's get on with the task at hand."
"So, what's the plan then?"
I stared out over the compound and tried to formulate a last-minute plan. They were set up in the remains of an ancient Uristani temple, which had been rather effectively decimated by time and, from the looks of it, more than a few wars. What remained was essentially just the summoning circle in the middle and a few rooms that had been on the bottom floor. The temple was on a hill above a lava field, making an approach difficult.
The lava elemental was already taller than a couple houses stacked on top of each other. It had one main rock in the middle with two smaller, floating rocks to the side. Plumes of fire connected the smaller rocks to the main and the main to the floor.
It was still growing, albeit slowly, thanks to the efforts of four magi who were constantly pouring energy into it.
We couldn't really take advantage of the cover of darkness, as the lava covered the area in light.
With everything taken into account, I decided that the best plan was to go in there and hit things.
"Okay, you take out the magi, I'll deal with the angry rock."
"How are you gonna kill that thing?"
I turned to her and shrugged: "I don't know, but it's probably going to involve my axe." I paused for a moment to take another look at the elemental before adding: "Probably gonna need some explosives too."
"I'll keep my distance, just in case."
"Probably for the best."
Ahri dashed ahead as I shoved myself up from the rocks. I drew my axe and started to walk across the unnervingly crumbly ground. The heat wasn't much of an issue for me, but the smell sure as hell was. It was like death himself had farted and that noxious cloud of doom had been through an incinerator. No amount of filters could save me from such foulness.
If I was ever going to describe Runeterra to someone, I'd definitely note the unhealthy stench of the volcanoes. It was an important detail.
I was about half way there when the elemental noticed me. It didn't have any eyes, so I had no clue how it sensed my presence, but that was an unimportant detail.
Without the slightest hint of effort, it broke from the magi's tethers and approached me. Slightly too late, it dawned on me that I didn't actually know how to destroy it. Hitting it might eventually work, but it didn't have a head or any clear centre of control. I could technically call down an orbital strike, but a laser from space onto an active volcano was somehow worse than most of my regular ideas.
The elemental got within reach of me and immediately slammed one of its rocks down towards me.
"That's super-"
It pulled its rock back off me and I grumbled: "Fast…"
I pushed myself to my feet and out of the personal crater it had made especially for me. Pretty quickly, it attempted the same thing again, but I wasn't gonna get caught out by that a second time. Dropping my axe and raising both hands, I caught its attack before it could land its second attempt at giving me a forced nap. The ground buckled beneath me and I dropped to a knee.
Moments later, it smashed its other free rock onto the other. I sunk deeper into the ground, and the boulder I was holding up cracked, letting out a slow trickle of lava. It dripped down my shoulder-guard, hissing at me as it slithered a path downwards.
With a whole lot of effort, I threw the boulders off me. They landed right beside me as I grabbed my axe and smashed it into one of them. The elemental pulled its boulders back, but my axe was still embedded into one of them, and I was still holding onto the damn thing. It saw me hanging on and immediately started to wave the boulder around wildly, threatening to fling me a few miles in one direction or another.
Not being the biggest fan of travelling that way, I tried my best to hold onto the axe. Which, to be fair to me, I did a fantastic job of, until I saw a chance to hop off and land on the elemental's main rock.
As I dodged its attempt to sweep me off, an epiphany hit me. I wasn't sure if it was fair to call it an 'epiphany' when it was a very obvious idea, but there wasn't time to ponder terminology.
With my utterly flawless plan in mind, I stood relatively where the middle of it was and began punching at it. I quickly started to make a pretty big hole, despite having to dodge quite a few boulders. Eventually, I got to the molten core of the elemental and grabbed something explosive from my belt. I certainly didn't recognise it, but it had a warning saying that it was explosive, so I decided to trust it.
After placing the explosive at my feet, I jumped out of the hole and immediately got smashed off. I landed in the ruins and turned around in time to watch the elemental explode into many small pieces.
"Ayyy! I did it!" I exclaimed while putting my hands up in joy.
Ahri walked over to me, breathing heavily as she approached.
"Man, those guys were tougher than I thought…"
She sat down as I glanced over, joking: "Maybe you're just getting slow in your old age."
"If you didn't have a helmet on…"
"Oh, I wouldn't be worried. I'm certain I could dodge a smack by you…"
"Don't."
"…In your old age."
I stared over at her, fully realising that I would end up regretting all of that eventually.
After staring a few thousand daggers at me, she stated: "You realise you didn't kill the elemental, right?"
"Eh?"
She pointed over at its remains and I watched as the various chunks slowly started to re-form.
"Huh. So, how the hell am I supposed to murder it?"
"You can't really 'kill' an elemental. You can just sorta put it to rest for a few centuries."
"You failed to mention that beforehand."
"What can I say, I enjoy seeing you struggle."
"Truer words have never been spoken." I grumbled while standing up.
Taking a moment to assess the situation, I noticed that it had an orb at the centre. It was glowing and orange, so it was clearly the weak-spot.
So I threw my axe at it. And it worked pretty well.
I took my helmet off and turned around, smiling like a twat at Ahri. She had a look of utter disappointment, sighing: "That's the most disappointing thing I've seen in my entire life."
"And what a long life it has been."
I was utterly unsurprised when I noticed that I was suddenly on fire.
Way later (Sunday 14:30):
"Where did that joke come from?"
"Oh, well technically she is a couple months older than me."
"That is the entire basis?"
"Yeah. What, do you think it's dumb?"
"Considering how many times it has gotten you set alight with her uniquely painful type of fire…"
"Shen, my boy, you're just not quite as dedicated to bad jokes as I am."
"It would appear you're more dedicated to irritating Ahri."
"Well, yeah. It's one of life's greatest treasures."
He stared at me for a few seconds in silence, so utterly motionless that I almost worried he'd been frozen.
"It is truly a wonder how you managed to make that woman fall for you."
"I wonder about that too. My best guess is she thinks my axe is cool. Which is fair enough."
"Right…" He shook his head before taking another swig.
"Anyway, what's going on with you? Still hanging around in Ionia a lot, I hear."
"Indeed. We're in the middle of a recruiting drive for the Kinkou while also attempting to rebuild the temple after it was half-eaten by a scar."
"Can't you just get a Summoner to do it? I know they're not easy to come by these days, but they definitely owe you one."
"Their past efforts to replicate Ionian architecture have proven that it is best to do it the hard way."
"I can't blame them for messing it up. I don't think I could make a house out of paper, either."
"It's not paper."
"Totally fucking is, though."
"Zoh, don't make any sudden moves. Keep pretending to talk to me."
"What's going on?"
"Every other person in this bar is an assassin. I would bet on there being reinforcements outside, also."
"Fuck. Are any close enough to hear us?"
"No."
"It would appear we've found the last of the assassin group, then."
"Actually, they found us."
"Now's not the time for semantics. How do you want to handle this?"
"Depends. Do you have your armour?"
"No, I lent it to Ahri so she could set off a bunch of explosions safely. I've got the axe and shield, though."
"I'm not going to ask. We will just have to do this more carefully."
"So we're just going to kill them all?"
"Knock them out if you can."
"Always do. Because we're good people."
We raised our glasses and clinked them as Shen added: "Relatively speaking."
After downing the rest of it, I hurled the glass at the nearest person to me. He turned just in time to take it right to the face. What a beautiful shot.
That glass was the signal flare for all hell to break loose. I immediately had to put up my shield to block a hailstorm of knives. And a fork. Who the hell throws forks?
The barmaid jumped onto my shield, knocking me to the ground. She tried to reach around it to stab me, but I held her back long enough to put my feet on the shield and shove her off me. I got up and swung my axe at her. It cleaved through a support beam on its way, but ended up only hitting air after that. She tried to stab me again, but made the mistake of stepping on the shield. I kicked it from under her then booted her in the face.
"That's what you get for trying to stab people. It's incredible rude."
I sidestepped the guy who rushed in with a knife and shouted: "What did I just fucking say!?"
Kicking the shield up and into my free hand, I squared up with the assassin. He was clearly an optimist, as he quickly dived in. I tried to bash him with my shield, but he was just fast enough to dodge it and slash me on the arm.
I tried to ignore the pain as we stood opposite each other again. Just like last time, he went on the offense the first chance he got. His movements were utterly erratic, so I slid out of the way.
He was clearly a lot faster than I was, so I had to come up with some way of countering that. Normally, I would've just asked Ahri for help. Sadly, that wasn't such a viable option at that time.
Of what little tech I had with me, there was only one device that I decided could be useful. And I knew just how I was going to use it.
I got the device in hand then turned away from him. Surprisingly, he was gullible enough to take the bait. Just as he was about to stab something important, I activated the device. He ran right through me, coming to a stop in the way of my axe.
I didn't even get a chance to make a quip before another assassin was thrown my way. Literally. It seemed like Shen was doing fine.
That one was a particularly quick little bastard, as he managed to immediately punch me in the face. That dazed me for a couple seconds and, when it passed, I found myself on the floor with a separate pain in my chest.
He approached me quickly, so I attempted to sweep his legs out. Again proving his irritating speed, he jumped over and onto me. He pinned my arms and just started whaling on my face. After about a dozen, I managed to free my arms and grab him by the neck. He got in a couple more punched before he realised he needed to save his neck.
As soon as he stopped hitting me, I head-butted him and stood up. He was still stunned up till the point where I started smashing his face against a table. I stopped a couple seconds after his gurgled screaming died out, then dropped his body to the floor.
After grabbing my axe and shield, I spat out some blood and went over to help Shen. He was dealing with the best equipped of the assassins, so it was taking a bit of time.
It sped up pretty quickly when I introduced one of them to the back end of a chair. Shen had the other two on the ground before I even realised that I'd given him the opportunity to.
"Huh… so that went pretty well."
"Surprisingly so. I suppose they were planning to wait for us to be drunk before attacking."
"That's a pretty bad plan. You still hold the record for holding out the longest in a bar fight against Gragas."
"Don't try to flatter me. You're still paying the tab."
"Don't worry, don't worry, I'm not trying to worm out of it… although, come to think of it, is the bartender still alive?"
Shen peeked over the bar and shrugged: "If he is, he's not here."
"Oh, well, self-service then." I joked while hopping over the counter.
Weeks later (Wednesday 25th 18:00):
The jungle conditions had never really agreed with me. Something about the sweaty heat, all-consuming mud, and treacherous plant-life really didn't make me feel very welcome in places like that. And they were only the secondary issues. The main problem was the legions of bugs which seemed particularly interested in stealing my blood. I was covered in multiple inches of metal all over, but those little bastards were still trying to get at me. How the hell did the Yordles live in a place like that?
I was in the jungle for a reason, though. A reason important enough that I barely even noticed the bugs.
Long story short, the bad guys were going to arrive soon, and I was putting the machine in place that would stop them. Or at least, it was going to force them to do things the hard way, which was all we could really hope for.
I hurried my way through the final preparations, but it was still taking a while. The technology involved was experimental, to say the least, but it was the only thing that was sure to work.
There was still a few things left when everyone around me went quiet. I didn't have to look up to know what that meant.
"Zoh…" Ahri muttered.
"I know. Just keep an eye out."
A very low groan blew through the trees, signalling the beginning of the process. I was running out of time much faster than expected.
I didn't want to check how much progress they were making, but I couldn't stop myself from glancing up. The calibrations still needed finishing, and they needed it yesterday.
I started to become acutely aware of my own heartbeat, and I had to start breathing manually. All at once, every single issue I had came to light. An itchy bug-bite, a misplaced armour piece, a pain in my back. It was as if my entire body was attempting to break my concentration. That was the exact moment when I needed all of that stuff to not be happening.
My hands stopped moving for a couple moments until I realised what happened. I furrowed my brow and tried to focus solely on tapping away at the display.
"Zoh, it's getting bigger!"
"I know. Just a second, now."
"No, like, it's getting a lot bigger!"
"Yes, yes, I know!"
I finally got the machine to recognise its target as Ahri yelled: "Zoh!"
"Got it!"
I slammed the button and finally looked up. The energy ball had grown far larger than it had been when they wiped out Aezza. Whatever caused them to delay, it gave me just enough time.
So, we got to watch as the EMP warhead fired towards the ship. It struck dead-centre, immediately coating the entire mothership in bolts of electricity.
The ship started to fall, but didn't get far before the EMP hit the energy ball. It froze for a moment before shattering like glass, raining shards onto us. The backlash from this sudden shattering caused the entire ship to crack down the middle.
We watched it fall to earth, until the trees around us blocked our view. Despite that, it wasn't hard to tell when it hit the ground. The noise and the miniature earthquake were rather obvious signals that it had touched down.
On the bright side, the commotion seemed to frighten the wildlife away.
On the not-so-great side, there was probably a fair bit of wildlife where it crashed. Which was, by that point, crushed into a fine paste.
"It looks like, once again, everyone owes their lives to ol' Zoh. I accept cash or cheques. Or muffins."
Shen actually got his wallet out, so I had to add: "No, no, I was kidding."
Akali interjected: "Guys, you do realise we only took out the main ship, right? We're still being invaded by the other two."
I looked where she was pointing and got to watch as the two remaining ships came down. They landed right in the middle of the jungle, creating landing sites by simply crushing all the trees beneath them. I couldn't see everything that was happening from our vantage point, but they were almost certainly deploying their troops.
"Oh yeah… shit. I guess we should go help the Yordles, then."
Ahri chimed in to ask: "Wait, we're on plan E already?"
"The asteroid missed, they ignored the sign, and I assume they didn't enjoy the peace-cake. So yeah, we're now on E."
Shen shrugged: "I told you there was too many eggs."
"I stopped listening to your advice, for good reason might I add, after you suggested we use butter in the icing. Now let's go, already."
I slammed my axe into the machine, ensuring that it couldn't be turned against us, before heading down the hill. If I had to guess, the alien's first steps would be to secure their landing sites and the crash site. After that, it was a toss-up between going for Bandle City or the weapon that had taken down the primary ship.
Or both. The vantage point was very close to the city itself, so they could easily achieve both if they had the forces for it. That was largely dependent on how many troops they had on the secondary ships.
Getting through the jungle was difficult thanks to the overbearing amount of foliage, but the axe prevented it from becoming a major issue. If there were any Yordle rangers lurking in those plants, they were in for a bad time.
A while passed and we were still not within eye-shot of the city. However, our progress came to a grinding halt when Ahri ordered: "Everyone stop."
We all froze as she put her ear up. A few tense moments passed before shock covered her face: "They're already here. Less than a hundred metres South."
"How many?"
"Ten at most, six at least. Probably scouts."
I rubbed my head in thought for a couple moments. The choices were clear. We either attempted to avoid them and possibly run into additional enemies, or simply get seen by the ones we knew about. Or, we could try to kill them before they could signal for reinforcements.
So, a bad and a worse option. Which was which, well…
I didn't really know.
"Okay, we set up an ambush and try to take them out. Keep the pressure up constantly so they don't get a chance to call in help. Move."
Shen and Akali clambered into the trees while Ahri ducked into a dried-up riverbed. I had far fewer options available to me, so I had to hide behind a long-abandoned cart. The ambush was reliant on them not noticing that some of the bits of metal on the cart were a lot shinier than the rest. While I would've obviously preferred to hide behind the hill nearby, there was nowhere near enough time. I barely got behind the cart before my ears caught the sound of them slicing through the forest floor.
They were practically on top of me when I heard things dropping from the trees. I swung my axe as I stood up, driving it right into the chest of one of the aliens. After kicking him off the blade, I did a quick bit of maths. I was going to have to fight two of them.
Luckily for me, the group of them had two much larger aliens. They were a few feet taller than me, in heavy armour, and wielding massive halberds. For once, it looked like I would be in for a fight.
"Signal the others, now!" One of the big guys barked towards the rest of them. He turned back towards me just before the fight erupted behind him.
"Do you guys want to go first? I'm plenty patient."
To my surprise, they took me up on the offer. Not only that, but they actually attacked at the same time. Organised enemies were always a pain to fight.
What I assumed to be their leader swung at me with a wide, horizontal arc, while the other thrust his weapon right at my chest. I made an awful decision and ducked, grabbing hold of weapon that would've caused my face to become rapidly less handsome. I managed to stop it in time, but I can honestly say I had no clue what I was planning to do after that.
It wasn't particularly surprising when he used his weapon to throw me into a tree.
As I got up, I muttered: "Sorry, tree."
I ended up having to repeat myself when I dove over the tree's remains to avoid a halberd. It pretty much decimated everything that was left of the tree.
The other heavy was charging at me, but I had dealt with that kind of attack plenty of times before. I grabbed his weapon and directed it under my armpit before yanking on it to pull him close. He had a set of free arms that smashed away at me relentlessly, but it wasn't enough to stop me from grabbing him by the waist and slamming him into a rock.
The leader tried to bring his weapon down on me, but I managed to turn in time to block it with the handle of my axe. He instantly came forward, spinning his weapon and knocking me on the chest with the end of its handle. The other one was starting to get up, so I activated my shield and threw it to daze him.
I had to dodge backwards to avoid the leader, until I backed up into a tree. By the skin of my teeth, I managed to swing my axe up to bat away his strike. My attempt at following that up with a swing towards his chest was blocked by his weapon's handle. Whatever it was made of, it wasn't the kind of metal I could simply slice right through.
He leveraged the advantage he got from having so many goddamn arms by quickly swapping his weapon between his hands, allowing him to attack from every conceivable angle in quick succession. I blocked as many as I could, and the ones that did get through were glancing blows. Even so, it was getting sour pretty quickly, especially with the other one quickly approaching.
I dived away the first chance I got and ended up landing in the dried up riverbed. Getting up to my feet, I tried to recall my shield. After a moment, it flew through the foliage and bounced off my leg.
I stared at it and remarked: "That aim was awful, mate."
As I reached down and grabbed it, the two heavies emerged into the riverbed a couple meters away. I activated the shield and adjusted my grip on my axe as they adopted aggressive stances. We stared each-other down for a few moments, not a single move being made. They were probably waiting for me to attack, but I was just scratching an itch. It was one of those impossible ones on my hand that don't go away no matter what you do. Just the absolute worst.
I tried to ignore it while stepping forward. They remained as they were, set in stone, staring at me from behind their helmets. I kept going forward until I was in range of their weapons, when they instantly swung at me. I caught one on my shield while stopping the other with the handle of my axe, catching my blade on his. Using that to yank one of them forward and sending him behind me, I turned forward to block another attack with my shield. I shoved his halberd away before hauling my axe up, slicing off two of his arms at the elbows.
All-in-all, he seemed oddly unconcerned with losing two arms. Personally, I valued my limbs quite highly, but he barely even seemed to notice.
"You have atrocious self-preservation instincts!" I yelled while blocking an overhead swing from the injured one. It had a surprising amount of force behind it; enough to push me down a bit. Unfortunately, it set me up for the other to thrust his weapon right at me. I was in no position to be diving out of the way, so I twisted to put my pauldron in the way. The halberd barely got through the armour, stopping when it hit the thinner plates that covered my shoulder. I and the blade stared at each-other for a second before I mumbled: "That's gonna be a bitch to fix."
As quickly as I could, I shoved the injured one's weapon away from me then span around. The leader lost his grip on it, allowing me to spin and smash the other one around the head with the still-embedded weapon. That was a story for the grandkids.
At that point, I decided that it was probably best to switch my fighting style from 'warrior' to 'fucking mental berserker'. It seemed fitting.
I threw my shield at the leader then pulled his weapon from my pauldron. The injured one approached me cautiously, so I charged at him while swinging both weapons wildly. He blocked a few strikes, but I managed to knock his weapon out of the way after a couple seconds. After sweeping his legs out with the halberd I threw my axe into his chest.
I retrieved my axe then turned to face the other one. He had taken my shield and was standing his ground defiantly. I shook my head and explained: "You know, a smart person would probably capture you for questioning…"
After recalling the shield I continued: "But you damaged my armour and I'm a bit of a petty bastard sometimes."
I screamed and dived at him. Everything that happened after that is best left unmentioned.
When I was finally finished, I dropped the halberd and pulled my helmet off.
"If every fight is going to be as hard as that, this war is going to be a pain in the ass."
"We are agreed on that." Shen stated while walking over to me. He had a shiv stuck in his facemask, which he yanked out when he got to me. He noticed my shoulder and commented: "It would appear we have both made mistakes."
"Slipping up in our old age."
"You're in your early twenties."
"I can feel my bones crumbling to dust!"
"You're not even old enough to drink in some places."
"My back is an epicentre of pain, and my eyes can only see clearly when I'm playing bingo!" I exclaimed while falling backwards.
"I'm starting to doubt that you've ever even met an old person."
I put my hand up to the sky dramatically and yelled: "I can physically feel the government cutting my pension!"
After a moment I noticed that Ahri was looking on from the riverbank. She had her arms crossed and I got a general sense that she was not in the mood to deal with my nonsense.
"Are you done, or do you want to keep yelling until the entire alien army has us surrounded?"
"I've made the executive decision that the latter option is awful, so we'd better get moving."
We spent the next few minutes doing a barebones job of hiding the bodies before getting as far away from there as we could. Ahri had been stunned at one point, possibly leaving her opponent enough time to call reinforcements. We weren't entirely sure, but no-one was in the kind of mood where they wanted to wait around and find out.
I did plant a bomb, though. It could have blown up a couple aliens, or it could have decimated a perfectly innocent denizen of the forest. Which one it destroyed was entirely up to fate.
We were starting to get into excessively dense forest when I sighed: "I miss being able to teleport. You never know what kind of bullshit it saves you from until you try to move a vine out of the way and find out it's a snake."
"If it makes you feel any better, we're almost there." Akali replied while dodging some sort of terrifying, yet surprisingly friendly turtle-thing. I had to guess it was a product of, as most people were calling it, 'The Changing'. I'd suggested a thousand better names, but there was just no way to change people's minds on the subject. For the life of me, I couldn't tell where the hell that name even came from. It sounded like an awful horror movie.
"What makes you say that?"
"Shen told me."
"How does he know?"
"I did the maths." He replied in the closest he could get to a shout. Somehow, it still sounded calm.
"What do you mean, you did the maths? Did you count the steps or something?"
"Yes. I worked out how many steps I take per kilometre and worked out how far away the city is by using my map."
"Huh, good thinking."
After a second, Ahri asked: "Wait, couldn't you do the same thing with your helmet?"
"Of course."
"Then why didn't you?"
"…"
"…"
"I'm not a smart man."
This is what happens when you hit a wall so hard that you can only write a couple hundred words, at best, at a time. Not only is this far, far later than it should be, but I'm pretty sure it's way below my usual standards. You'd think it'd be pretty easy to get to those standards, considering how bad I am at this.
Guess not.
I don't know if I'll be able to manage it or not, but I'm going to really try to do some good work and get the next one out as quickly as possible. I know where I want it to go for the foreseeable future, which is something I haven't been able to confidently say in a while. Hopefully it'll work.
