Surprisingly, I'm not actually dead.
All I'm gonna say is, I will NOT abandon this series unfinished. If I get to the point where I feel like I cannot keep it going, I will end it and do my absolute best to tie off all the loose ends in the most satisfying ways possible. I know what the end of it will be, but I don't know when or how I'll get there. Unless I actually do die, in which case... shit.
Chapter 70: From Space
Ikhari's POV:
So, my parents weren't lying about the North. It really was quite… green. And very rocky. In the darkness of night, the horizon looked like a sea of blades. All those razer hills attempted to slice at the sky, but none got closer than the mountain range we'd passed through. Mom always said the tallest of them scraped the moon as it passed. Actually standing below it, I could kinda see where the rumour came from.
I wish my parents were there to see it with me. At least I had Ajay.
Cradling him in my arms, I tried my best to rock him gently. I got the feeling I was waking him up, not keeping him asleep, so I stopped.
"Don't worry, buddy. We'll find mom and dad in the morning, and you'll be back with the people who actually know how to hold you."
"He's a cutie. What's his name?"
I looked up to see who it was. Holy shit, it was Ahri. Holy shit, was I a lesbian? I think I was. If I wasn't, I would make an exception for her.
"Oh he's- and I'm! Eh… Ajay! He's…"
She sat down next to me as her silky words calmed me: "Hey, just take a second. We've got a while."
Oh my god she smelled so nice it was like the nose version of eating a chocolate cake.
"Okay just… ehmm… the baby is called Ajay. I am Ikhari." I did it! A proper introduction…
I forgot to add the last bit!
"It'snicetomeetyou!"
"Nice to meet you too, Ikhari. If you don't mind, I'm just going to make this a bit easier for you."
She blew some pink mist into my face and I felt… better? I was still so nervous, but I didn't feel any crushing weight in my chest.
"How's that?"
"Well… I'm pretty sure I can make full sentences, now."
"Good! It's hard to chat with people when I can't understand what they're saying."
"Does this happen to you a lot?"
"Let's just say I've got a lot of experience. I think this is the first time I've ever used that trick on a lesbian, though."
Aaaaand all the blush rushed right back onto my face. I tried to look down to hide it from her, for what good it would do.
"You… you know?"
"Of course. I sensed it before I even sat down." The way she spoke sent shivers down my spine, in the best way possible. It was so sensual and smooth, I just couldn't stay awkward around her.
"You can't tell anyone. Please?"
"Don't worry, I wouldn't do that. But I will ask why you want to hide it?"
"Well it's just… you know… not something you want most people to know."
"I see no reason why not. Everyone knows I'm bi, but the worst I've had is one guy yelling about how he'd turn me straight. I had to stop Zoh from sending him to a planet where every blade of grass screams all day and all night."
I looked at her in utter confusion.
"We were drunk. Very, very drunk."
"Well, it's easier for you to get away with. Everyone loves you too much to care."
"Okay, so let's say in a theoretical world, you did come out. What happens then?"
"I… uh… my parents would probably be kinda upset cause… you know, fewer grandkids. And people might make jokes."
"So what you're saying is: two people who will unconditionally love you anyway might be upset for a couple hours, and some people who don't matter will make bad jokes? Plus, how are other people like you meant to know you're available if they think you're straight?"
I slouched a lot and sighed: "What does it matter, anyway? I'm fat and ugly… no-one wants to be with that."
"Allow me to just steal a phrase from Zoh here: there is so much wrong with what you just said that I don't even know where to begin. I'm going to try to sum it all up as best as I can, though. When you meet someone that you really love, your 'type' becomes whatever they are. I change the way I look massively, quite often, but Zoh always looks at me the exact same way. It doesn't matter what you look like, it's about finding someone who loves you so much that they don't care."
She paused for a second before adding: "Also, you're not ugly. You've got a pretty face with a lot of acne, and there's only two thousand remedies for that… oh yeah, and finally, if you don't like being fat, switch to a healthier lifestyle. If you do like it, that's fine too."
I was actually starting to feel a bit better. Having my problems explained so simply put them into perspective, and having such a lovely voice doing it definitely helped.
"Thank you, really. I've got a lot to think about, now."
"Join the club."
I giggled a bit and admitted: "You know, you're not really what I expected at all."
"What did you expect?"
"Uh… you know… to be honest, I… kinda thought you'd be the stereotypical 'popular girl'."
"I get that a lot. I guess I can see why."
"It's the Academy splash art."
"I know, I know. Should've never let them use that picture… anyway, since we've got a little while, how about a conversation we can both enjoy?"
"Oh, uh, sure! What about?"
"Boobs. Have you see Janna's in her Hextech skin?"
"I may have… 'examined' that splash art closely…"
"Damn right you did! I once asked her if I could put my face in them, but she just went red like you and floated away."
"I heard about that, actually! Apparently you lost a bet with Zoh and that was what you had to do."
"What? No! The bet was that I could get her to let me, he bet I couldn't. What I did for losing the bet… weeeeelllll let's just say I'm not going to recount it to a young and impressionable mind."
A few hours later (Sunday 30th May 07:10):
Zoh's POV:
"HOLY SHIT THAT WAS A STAR THAT WENT BY IN A SECOND OH FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"
Ahri's POV:
"I wonder what Zoh's doing right now…" I pondered while pulling my Orb from an alien, before lobbing it into two more.
Azir's soldiers minced a group of aliens as he shouted: "We have other concerns right now!"
I snapped one's neck and set another on fire while retorting: "Not really! These guys are super incompetent! I think we killed all the elite troops in Shurima and Bandle City!"
One of the aliens near me exploded, showering me in blood as Nocturne emerged from the remains: "I suspected the same. I'm already at two hundred and ninety-eight."
"Damn, I'm falling behind. I gotta shut up and focus."
I decided that the threat the aliens posed was so miniscule at that point, I could have a bit of fun. So, I summoned some spirit-fire and attached it to a magical tether. Dashing into the enemy ranks, I began spinning it around my head, setting dozens on fire every few seconds. A few of them made attempts at stopping me, but they were all so pathetic that they wouldn't have got close if I didn't try to dodge.
After a few moments, I decided to pull back and see how effective I'd been, so I jumped and kicked off the face of an alien, dashing up to the cliff overlooking the field.
We'd baited the aliens into a pass between two over-hanging cliffs, initially with our ranged units stationed on either side. The last of the alien's aerial units, as far as we knew, were killed alongside the people we'd had on the cliffs. It was pretty much the definition of pyrrhic, from what I could tell. The only survivor was Azir, who'd had to dive down into the fray.
Looking down, victory didn't seem as obvious as it was on the ground. Sure, we were reaping the fields with casual ease, but there were just SO many of them, and so few of us. The only soldiers we had left were a few hundred Shurimans and a couple squads of Yordles, versus the multiple thousands of aliens that were still pilling into the ravine. In that incredibly rocky and jagged landscape, there could well have been thousands more hiding somewhere, and we'd be none the wiser.
All things considered, I didn't really have time to stare at the sunrise huddled between two mountains. It was a beautiful day in a picturesque place; too bad we had to spend it killing.
Zoh's POV:
"HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS WHAT WAS THAT A BLACK HOLE OHFUCKOHSHITSHITFUCKOHGOD AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
"I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT WAS BUT IT WENT BY IN A SECOND SO IT CAN'T HAVE BEEEN HHOOOOOLY SHIT THAT'S A BIG PLANET AAANND IT'S GONE"
Safe to say, I was not taking being thrown across the galaxy at multiple thousands of times the speed of light very well. Reality and time were bending in very uncomfortable ways and I couldn't tell if the universe was very suddenly growing or shrinking. I could've sworn I saw the endless void beyond the boundaries of reality for a moment, but it also looked like the universe was just starting at exactly that point.
For a moment I was experiencing every secret the galaxy has ever held, but then I realised I was just imagining every cupcake recipe every made.
This is why you don't go beyond the speed of light. It's terrible and confusing and you might end up in an alternate universe where stars are green! That would look ridiculous! As if there wasn't enough green anyway!
"WHOAOOOAOAAA shit that was actually a really impressive slow-down."
I pretty much went down to regular terminal velocity as soon as I was above Runeterra.
"Okay, I'll admit, that beats any of my party-tricks. You win this round, Spirit of Death! Your job's still shit, though!"
Passing through many layers of clouds, I realised there was no time I'd get in position in time.
Some Random Fuckin' Alien's POV:
Ooh boy, it was almost my turn! So many heretics to stab in so many heretic places! They couldn't fight me and my four swords! I was one of a select few of my kind with the hand-eye coordination to use four all at the same time, and I was pretty sure Jerem was lying when he said he could do it too! Why would he own three swords if you can use four? What's the other hand going to do, slap the enemy!? Ridiculous!
But none of that mattered now! I was on the front line! Moments away from killing a bunch of those damnable aliens! Especially the weird one with tails and the large bird! They radiated mana; it almost made me puke!
Or it was just Aha's cooking. Actually, that seemed more likely.
"Aha! Your cooking is shit!"
I must've distracted him, because one of the alien soldiers chopped his head off. Eh, he deserved it.
Something was falling from the sky. I noticed it from the corner of my vision, and looked up to confirm that there was definitely something dropping to earth, right over me. It was pretty quick, too.
"That… I bet that's heretical somehow."
Ahri's POV:
A few hours later (13:00):
"Okay, let's get going, then. It's a long walk back to Shurima." Zoh sighed through heavy breaths as we approached Azir. It had taken a long time, but we'd finally gathered all of the civilians together and got them moving on their way home… whatever was left of it.
"You two need not accompany us, if you do not want to. I've received word that the garrison from Enkilah is on its way to meet us at the mountain pass. Between them and Nasus, my people will be safe."
"Do you need any help with rebuilding?"
"Thank you, but no. I've rebuilt Shurima before; the second time will surely be easier." Azir declared, a hint of dread in his voice. I'd heard what it was like the first time around, and I doubted he was looking forward to doing that again.
I finally decided to join in: "At least let us send some Summoners your way. These new ones know how to build and… not a whole lot else."
"If you insist. Thank you. Now, I must depart. It's a long walk back to the capital, and I've a lot of thoughts weighing heavy on me."
We exchanged polite bows before Azir turned to leave. As he began making his way through the steady stream of tired, emotionally drained people, Zoh trudged over to a small rock and sat on it, the weight of his armour crushing it slightly. I limped over to join him, the slice on my leg sending jolts of pain through me with every step. That's what I get for being cocky.
Sighing deeply, all the tension seeped out of my body. I had no clue how I'd ever have managed that if Zoh didn't come back.
"So, what was it this time?"
"Some Spirits wanted to remove me from existence. I convinced them not to."
"Oh… that's… why am I not even surprised anymore?"
"I have a weird life."
I looked over at him and crooked my mouth slightly before adding: "And that means I do as well."
"No-one's forcing you to be a part of it."
"You're right, I do 'technically' have a choice." I stopped for a second to hold out my hand to him: "But, realistically, I could never force myself to live without you."
He gently accepted my hand, being very careful not to crush it with his huge metal gloves.
"I've had experience living without you. I didn't like it."
Later that night (23:56):
Safety was one of the feelings that I really should've enjoyed more when I had it. We spent so much of our time with our lives on the line, surrounded by enemies, that I never really felt safe. Even when I knew we would be fine, I always had a lingering sense of fear over what would come next.
But at that moment, laying cosy under the sheets with Zoh's arm over me, I felt safe. The aliens were gone, but nothing had appeared to replace them, and I somehow just knew that nothing would; at least for a while.
Life was good, so I decided to enjoy it.
After our evening, I was confident that Zoh was fast asleep, but I was still careful as I slipped the end of my chain from his hand. With that done, I was free to slide out of bed and stretch my legs. I probably could've got more comfortable if I took off the outfit, but I didn't actually know where Zoh put the key. It didn't bother me too much, though, because I looked fantastic in it.
I did still wonder why Zoh kept on referring to some 'Star War' when we talked about it.
Despite the lacking experience of the new Summoners, they did still manage to keep the place perfectly warm. It was probably because they used regular radiators that Heimer made, instead of their own magic.
That said, I didn't fancy going for a walk in those… clothes… if they could even be called that. Luckily, I wasn't exactly lacking clothes.
I went to leave, but paused when I felt some sort of cloth on the door handle. I grabbed it and brought it closer to my face.
"A sock…?"
After a couple seconds of racking my brains I realised.
"Heh, he actually did land it." I looked back to the bed; it was a good few metres from the door.
I smirked while dropping it, thinking to myself: 'If he managed to get the other one on the window handle, I'll be impressed."
That was something to check in the morning, though, so I let myself out and went over to my room. Walking through it, that place felt so… sterile. Zoh's room had so many happy memories and so many unique things in it, but mine was just a room. In all the time we'd lived there, the only thing I'd done to make it distinct from every other room in the League was to pack the wardrobe with so many clothes that the doors didn't shut.
I didn't want the dull nature of my room to bring down my mood, so I grabbed a long Ionian dress and threw it on. It wasn't really my style, but it had a tall collar and covered me entirely.
Thinking about it, that was probably why I barely ever wore it. Clothes could send a lot of messages, and I preferred mine to say: 'what little you're not seeing is even better than what you are'.
I left the apartment and strolled down the dark hall, enjoying the calm silence. Walking silently came naturally to me, to the point where even I could barely hear myself.
A light appeared at the bottom of the stairs ahead of me, quickly ascending them and rushing towards me, sticking close to the ceiling. It stopped once it was directly above me and followed as I carried on my way.
"You're a curious little thing. I take it you're meant to act like a torch?"
The Summoners clearly didn't enchant it to talk.
"I feel like just keeping the lights on would be easier, but this is cool too."
As I went downstairs, I was surprised to see another light up ahead, accompanying a Summoner who was… sculpting a pillar.
That was different.
He noticed me approach and almost fell off his ladder, eliciting a giggle from me. He had his hood down, and with the light from the flares, his embarrassment was clear. If I had to guess, he was likely in his late twenties, but his face was very youthful. Dark skin stood in contrast to bright, vibrant, blue eyes. Strangely enough, his hair was extremely short, but had intricate patterns cut into it. I'd heard of practices like that in a few different places, but something about him made me guess he was from the highlands of Demacia. Call it a hunch.
"Hey! Who did you annoy to be working at this time?" I tried to greet him with as pleasant a smile as I could, but if he was like most people I smiled at, he'd take it the wrong way.
"Uh, hello. Yeah, I… well I kinda picked this shift."
As I stepped around to see what he was working on, I figured him out: "Ah, so you prefer to work uninterrupted."
"Yes, actually. How did you know? Am I that easy to see through?"
"Slightly. There are only two reasons someone would pick this kind of shift, and you're too confident to be avoiding people."
"I wouldn't say I'm super confide-"
"Most people your age would be a sweaty puddle on the floor by this point. Trust me, I have experience."
"Fair enough; I guess I am confident, comparatively."
I nodded at him and stepped forward to get a better look at the pillar. He was sculpting a bird's-eye-view battle scene into it. Not just any battle scene, it was the final battle of Piltover. I could even see myself.
It was legitimately amazing how detailed it was. He was covering the entire battle, but everything was just like it was in my memories. Even the rubble was where I remembered it being.
Well, not EVERYTHING was accurate.
"I'm sorry, and I get this is from far away, but my butt is bigger than that."
"Oh, right, sorry about that. This is all based on first-hand accounts and the descriptions of you were not very… descriptive. No, except, they were… just not in a helpful way."
I glanced at him quizzically.
"It was either 'perfect this, perfect that, perfect those', or 'her whatever was about this big, perfect for…'. I think you can guess the rest."
"Huh… I'm just going to not think about that as much as I can… anyway, I'll leave you alone after just one more question: how many of these are you going to make?"
"Oh, hundreds. They're trying to make this place more fantastical and interesting, so that more Champions spend their time here. Carving events into these pillars is just one part of a huge scheme. Anti-gravity areas, permanent teleportation gates, half the art on the planet, I could go on and on. It's long overdue, if you ask me."
"True, this place is a bit stale sometimes… anyway, it was nice talking to you."
"Likewise. Goodbye."
I carried on down the hall, which were unsurprisingly empty. Only the real night-owls would still be awake at that time, and most of them wouldn't be around the League. Vayne, for example, wouldn't have much success hunting monsters in the one place they're invulnerable.
It was a terribly lonely place at night. The halls were so wide, and the rooms so large that to have them unfilled was almost creepy. What few lights there were only illuminated important things like fire exits or sudden curbs, leaving everything else in darkness. It didn't help that I was pretty sure Evelynn was sneaking around somewhere. She was unsettling before her rework, but after she was downright terrifying.
Despite the eeriness of it all, I couldn't help but feel at home there. Most of my human life was spent there, and I had memories attached to every inch of it. Not all of them good, sadly. Runeterra was good in so many ways, but it also attracted chaos like nowhere else.
As I emerged into the night-time gardens, I did my best to think positive thoughts, which was a lot easier out there. The light stopped following me, letting me bathe in the calm glow of the moon. Not a single cloud blemished the sky, leaving the countless legions of stars plain to see.
I wondered how many Zoh had visited. He'd definitely shown me at some point, but how was I meant to remember individual stars when there was one for every grain of sand in Shurima?
I'd have to get him to tell me again. Whenever he got talking about the stars, he was filled with such a child-like joy; it was just so cute. The masks he wore: of a soldier, a joker, an idiot, they all just melted away when he got to talk about his passions.
As I made my way down the path, I passed the pond, which was perpetually fed by a small waterfall. The huge rock it fell from looked like something straight out of Targon. It looked like it was sculpted, but its curves and patterns were so random that it couldn't have been. Almost like Taliyah had sneezed while walking by a regular boulder.
I took a seat on a bench just slightly away from the waterfall, staring at it. In a strange sort of way, it reminded me of Shen, and all those times he appeared at the top of a waterfall at the exact wrong time. With most people, it would've been fair to assume they were only there to stare, but not Shen. He legitimately just did not care about seeing me or Zoh naked, he just enjoyed the location.
He was definitely an odd guy, but there was something inherently likable about Shen. You always knew where you stood with him, as long as you could decode his talk of 'balance', 'equilibrium', and other Kinkou nonsense.
He was always willing to help in some way, and he was never out of contact. If you needed Shen, there was always some way of finding him, even if it sometimes required checking the top of the nearest waterfall.
I had to wonder what my friends thought about me when they were having introspective moments. Akali probably just wondered if I was up for drinking that night; it seemed that was the only time she could vent her frustrations about various things, and I was just there so she wouldn't be talking to a glass.
When she wasn't complaining about the extreme amount of stuff that seemed to go wrong in her life, Akali was great to be around. Her kind of brutal, blunt personality was always helpful, especially when we were with someone who was talking bullshit. Like the time she saw a merchant selling fake gems and punched them all to pieces one by one, maintaining eye-contact with the merchant the whole time. Me and Lux clapped when she finished.
Speaking of which, I could have sworn I heard distant fighting, which usually meant Lux and Yasuo were in the 'hate' part of their love-hate relationship.
Actually, it was probably more accurate to call if a hate-hate-hate-hate-hate-love-hate-hate-hate-hate relationship. I was almost willing to admit that, in their situation, sex may not have been the proper resolution.
I stood up to head back inside, taking half a step before an explosion stole my attention. The distant speck that was inevitably Yasuo went surprisingly far, way off into the depths of a forest. I was stood there trying to figure out how far he went when Lux hurried past me, seething anger clear on her face. It actually looked kinda unnatural for Lux to be THAT angry.
"Uh, he is gonna live, right? I need him for a match tomorrow."
"Unfortunately!" She spat, barely even acknowledging me. I shrugged as she faded into the night, shortly followed by a couple of bewildered and clearly exhausted Summoners.
That spot wasn't so peaceful with the two of them fighting, loudly, nearby. As I headed back inside, I was pretty sure Yasuo had started winning.
I was accompanied by a slight breeze as I slid inside. After dodging out of the way of a few more Summoners headed for the carnage, I headed home. I didn't get a lot of time to myself, but I didn't want much. I had to wonder if everyone missed their partner so much after such small amounts of time, or if I was just clingy.
The walk back was uneventful, but I was trying my best to get it over with quickly. I had important things to be getting on with.
As soon as I closed the door to the apartment, I pulled off the dress and threw it onto the sofa, mumbling: "Back to looking like an over-expensive hooker, great."
I snuck into the bedroom and was about to get into bed when Zoh rolled over sluggishly and grumbled, his words half-muffled by the pillow in his face: "Disappearing in the middle of the night? You're cheating on me. I knew it… bitch."
"Not even going to try make that sound convincing?"
"Nahh… too sleepy to give a proper performance."
I smiled and admitted: "You're extra cute when you're sleepy."
He sat up as I crawled onto the bed; it was much easier to give him a kiss from that angle.
"Zoh, can I ask you something? Can you promise to not joke around?"
"Sure."
"When you… uh, how do I phrase this? What does it feel like when I compliment you? Because when you do it to me it's… it's just the best. I feel warm in my chest, my face goes red, I can't hold back the smiles. Do guys… get that?"
"I can't say I've ever thought about it much… but yeah, it's pretty much the same. Whenever you give me genuine compliments it's usually the highlight of my day, or even week. Your opinion matters more than anything else to me, so if you think I'm doing something right… it sweeps away any anxiety or stress I have."
"And do you think I compliment you often enough?"
"Ahhh haha, well… this is getting a bit awkward now."
"Come on, be honest to me."
"I… would appreciate it if you did it a bit more… frequently. Sometimes, weeks will go by without you giving any serious compliments and I worry, you know? It feels like I must be doing something wrong."
I leaned forward and hugged him, whispering: "Thank you. I never meant to worry you."
After a little while, I leaned back to stare into his eyes.
"And, just so we're clear, you are the most handsome, cheerful, adorably optimistic, and generous person I've ever met. While your puns are usually terrible, that small negative doesn't stop you from being the most fantastic person I know. I love you."
"I love you too." He replied; the smile appearing on his face reminding me just how much he meant those words. I just about melted onto him, unable and unwilling to stop myself from kissing him.
The next day (Monday 31st 11:56):
Maybe I was just going crazy, but I was pretty damn sure I ordered tea, not lava. Yet the liquid in my cup was clearly at a temperature high enough to melt Lissandra's heart. I wanted to try stirring it, but the only thing they'd given us for that was a bunch of plastic stirrers, and I didn't want to drink melted plastic.
I could literally feel the heat radiating against my face, while the cup was a metre away on the coffee table.
Considering the place we were in, I shouldn't have been surprised the tea was so strange. I, Akali, and Morgana were sat half-way up a huge, crystalline spiral that took up the entire room. It was flattened in various places up the length of the spiral for the furniture, but was otherwise a ramp all the way from floor to ceiling. It was also strangely dark, with the only light coming from a huge number of very dim orbs of white light floating about the room, while the ceiling above was blacked-out with more randomly-placed lights dotting it.
I guessed it was meant to be kinda like we were having tea in space, but since I'd actually done that, this felt like a bit of a cheap knockoff.
"Either of you tried this yet?" I asked while pointing to the drinks. We'd all ordered the same thing, so I was fairly sure mine wasn't the only one that could have evaporated the entire ocean.
"I considered it before either of you got here, but I got scared and bitched out." Akali admitted, getting a laugh from Morg who took her cup and gulped some of it down.
"I love this stuff! It burns my insides."
I exchanged a glance with Akali then asked: "And that's a… good thing?"
"It's good at distracting me from the incredible hangover I'm recovering from."
"You went drinking without us? That's not okay." Akali declared, getting an enthusiastic nod of agreement from me.
"Look, I was in Targon with Leona and Taric, there was a two-for-one deal on shots, you guys were miles away… it was the right thing to do. Even though I feel like I've been kicked in the head by Heca."
"We could've been kicked in the head TOGETHER. Teleportation is not hard to get around here, it should have been no trouble."
"Pff, I bet if I had knocked on either of your doors you'd have been getting dicked and not answered."
We both began to answer back, then sorta realised that she was entirely correct.
"Ex-fucking-actly. Now both of you- what's with the wisp?"
"Wisp?" I queried before following her stare to behind me. Floating above us was the very vague outline of a human face, made entirely of a ghostly blue light. We all looked at it with varying levels of confusion on our faces, although I did notice that there were more near other Champs from the corner of my eye.
Finally, and despite it's very feminine facial features, it spoke in an incredibly gruff and manly voice: "Greetings valued employees. You have all been asked to attend a conference. Attendance is mandatory."
"Um, okay… where is this conference? And when?" I asked, since I was closest.
"In the conference hall in one minute."
"We have a conference hall?" I asked to no-one in particular. The other two just shrugged at me, so I added: "Where is the conference hall?"
"Here."
"This is a café."
"It won't be in five seconds."
"Is it just me or is that ominous?"
Suddenly, every single feature of the room disappeared. Nothing was left but the walls, ceiling, and floor, which we fell to immediately. At least we hadn't been that high up the spiral, or I might have broken something.
"What the fuck-" was all I managed to shout before the room changed again, with hundreds of seats facing a podium appearing, which were then filled by Champions who got teleported into them, us included. At least they thought to put me and Zoh together.
He was holding a blowtorch and covered in the soot of a recent explosion, which couldn't cover the obvious bewilderment on his face.
"How the shit did I get- Ahri, wait- what- why are we in a conference hall?"
I wiped his face clean with my sleeve while explaining: "I know as much as you do, honey. They sent a wisp to warn us, but it didn't do a very good job. Did you not get one?"
"I did, actually. It's the reason for this." He motioned at the remaining soot on his face before I got it.
"Don't tell me you killed it."
"They're incorporeal, I doubt a regular explosion will do much to them. And if it did get hurt, it deserved it; scared the hell out of me."
I shook my head at him, smiling at the idea of him getting jump-scared. I gave him a kiss just as a Summoner did a sound-check on the microphone on the podium, the sound reverberating through the room loud and clear.
"Okay everybody, calm down. Rek'Sai, leave your seat alone it's not tasty. Jax, come on man just- thank you. Everyone just sit properly, this'll only take a minute. Okay, way too many of you people are kissing. Really, this is not the time."
After a little while of the Summoner trying his best to get everyone in order, we were quiet enough for his standards.
"Okay, now today I'm here to introduce you to our new… Financial Opportunities Director? Is that a real job? It is? Oh, it's new? Right, that… makes sense I guess. Boy, can't help but feel like there's nepotism going on here…"
Someone off-stage whispered something to him, obviously trying to hurry him up.
"Fine, fine, yeah. Anyway, here's… 'Imahgur' Vandor? 'Imager'? 'Ima'- Fucking hell, Mister Vandor, everyone!"
He threw the script over his shoulder in frustration and stomped off as a man in a striped, grey suit strode up to the podium. Unfortunately, we were close enough to the front for me to easily get a good look at him.
To sum him up in a word: 'greasy'. He had dark blonde hair slicked back with too much gel, pudgy features and a smile only a liar could think looks honest. He was fat to a degree that made me uncomfortable, and shorter than the average guy.
"Good afternoon, team! I hope everyone is doing well?"
The only response he got was Malzahar calling him a dick, masking it in a fake cough. I could hear Liss strangle a laugh.
Seemingly not noticing the negative air in the room, he went on: "That's great to hear! Today I'll be introducing myself and a new scheme that will inject new enthusiasm and confidence into our operations."
Zed put his hand up and exclaimed: "The entire second half of that sentence made no fucking sense."
Everyone seemed to agree with that, but again Vandor only seemed to hear what he wanted to: "I'm glad you're as excited as I am! So, before I can explain our plan, I need to explain my job here. I have been brought in to create new investment opportunities and diversify our financial intake streams. My past jobs have been in similar positions in Flexicorp, Coil Inc, Demacian Arburs, and Bradbur, so you know you're in good hands!"
Mundo put his hand up and yelled: "Mundo knows all them gone bankrupt!"
He was right; every single one of those companies had gone under, and it was before all the wars started, so they had no excuse.
"I know, truly a storied past, but nothing compares to this! But, enough about me, we should move onto the more important and exciting part: the plan! With your collective approval, we will immediately begin developing harmonising and efficient advertisements with our business partners, using you to enhance them to thus far unseen levels!"
Finally I'd had enough and put my hand up: "Did your parents beat you with a thesaurus when you were a child?"
"Don't worry, everyone will get a fair share of advertisement opportunities. In fact, you'll all be allowed to do multiple ads every week! Now, this is all theoretical right now. But to make it real, all we need is your approval! All in favour say 'Aye'!"
Utter silence.
"All not in favour say 'nay'!"
Literally everyone shouted it so loud that it hurt my ears.
"Ooh, a resounding win for those in favour! Thank you all so much, and Jayce report to make-up immediately you're doing an underwear commercial in five."
He hurried off, obviously aware of the amount of threats and insults being flung his way. He barely avoided Malphite, who had flung himself directly at the podium, utterly obliterating it. The Summoners were gonna have a hell of a time quelling the riot that began there.
Holy moly I'm a lazy guacamole.
