Chapter Thirty Five: Uncertainties: Holmes's Musings
Everything that happened tonight should have been avoided! The Phantom of the Opera should have been caught, young de Chagny's life should not have been endangered and the entire matter should have been cleared up.
I have been as blind as a mole this entire investigation! The amount of blunders I have made is ridiculously high! This entire affair should have been finished in three days at the most. It is going on a fortnight and still I am no closer to a solution! I have recently made a connection between the management's Phantom and Mademoiselle Daaé's Angel of Music. The connection should have been made long before! Now that I know they are one and the same person, I am still no closer to apprehending the blackguard. Why? The question that constantly preys on my mind. If I admit the answer, millions of more whys make themselves known, confounding me and muddling my reasoning even more.
How I curse the day I ever met Mackenzie Sterling! Before she unceremoniously appeared in my life, I was able to remain focused on an investigation; I understood how my mind worked and was able to keep it from idly roving and focusing on things that were unimportant.
Now that she is here, my mind is confronted with an internal problem, one that prevents it from examining the case at hand. Why is she able to force me to loose a train of thought with merely a glance in my direction? Why does my heart pound in my chest when she is near? These questions have replaced who is this Phantom and why does he stalk the opera house!
Tonight, standing beside her in the shadow of the tree, my observation of de Chagny and Daaé was lessened because all I could focus on was the gentle curve of her neck as she attempted to see past the circumference of the tree trunk; the slight pressure against my right arm, caused my her leaning against me; the feeling of utter helplessness that came over me when I could not ease her fear of the unseen voice. All of these things clouded my senses, making me react slower than normal.
It's not logical! None of this is logical! The way I feel around her is not logical! I am a logician, a calculating person; my reasoning should not be interrupted by one woman. I should feel nothing toward her; I should treat Mackenzie Sterling as I treat her friend, with contempt and the occasional acknowledging nod. She has done nothing for me, save cause me confusion and anxiety!
And yet I know that is not true. She comforted me while I was in the throes of one of my nightmares. She succeeded in doing what nothing, save the cocaine, could do. She managed to soothe my inner demons, stop the terrors of my past from assaulting me. I felt safer with her arms around me than if I had two revolvers and one hundred of Stapleton's dogs.
But why? Why did her embrace make me feel secure? What is it that I am feeling? If I could deduce this strange emotion, I could put it aside and never think of it again. But I need to know, need to understand it first.
My train of reasoning has failed me thus far but I am confident that given enough time I will be able to understand this emotion, forget it and return to my former calculating self. Now for more practical matters. What concern does this Phantom have for Mademoiselle Daaé's career? This is quite a three pipe problem.
