Conversation Number 1: Amanda Rollins
Author Notes: This takes place probably within the week after that OC scene with the letter. Also, of the three chapters of this fic, this one is the least thought-out and the shortest.
If there are any typos, please ignore them. I set December 9th as my deadline a few weeks ago. Then I went and took time to build a cabin on the Sims. I wrote all of this within the last week on very little sleep.
SVUSVUSVU
Captain Benson was in one hell of a mood and the entire squad room was feeling it. It wasn't as though she was yelling and screaming and putting the fear of God in everyone, but she wasn't particularly pleasing to converse with lately. Rest assured, everyone from uniforms to secretaries to seasoned detectives and the like made sure their DD-5s and log books were complete and anything that needed her signature was presented neatly and quickly so they could get out of there without incurring her wrath.
It had been like that for three days.
She wasn't intentionally being mean, but she had zero patience for bullshit and wanted to conduct business as usual.
Even Fin and Amanda were growing concerned. Liv, even at her most stressed, had a tendency to be combative and short, but never to this extent. And, she usually would later apologize and explain. But, three days had gone by, so far, and the attitude persisted and she hadn't said anything else. And, they weren't even working a stressful case.
Day Four started out just the same as the other three days. Everyone was already in by the time she arrived in the squad room. Logs, files and paperwork were all handed to her without eye contact. After she had walked into her office and closed the door, chatter in room picked up again. It wasn't loud; just the usual level of volume of detectives and officers chatting with each other about cases and talking to witnesses or victims' families or listening to survivors making their statements.
Suddenly, the door flew open.
"Is it possible to keep the volume out here down to a minimum, please?" came a loud voice from the doorway where Olivia stood. Dead silence filled the room as everyone stared in her direction. She looked irritable and tired. "You're inside and supposed to be working, not chatting with friends at a park. Do you jobs!"
"Liv…" Fin started only to be cut off by the door slamming again.
The resumed chatter was a bit quieter and a little more hesitant. Some officers and detectives were trying to explain to the visitors that she was the boss and under stress.
"Is she usually like this?" Velasco asked. He was relatively new to the unit and had worked a little bit with the squad and Captain Benson, so he wasn't aware of how she and the squad room worked in between tough cases. Based on knowledge and his experience with her thus far, he figured she was often compassionate.
"No," Fin answered as Amanda shook her head back and forth. He and Amanda knew better. This wasn't bossiness nor stress – at least not stress from a case – but something else. Something was definitely going on with Olivia and it was affecting her work and theirs.
He started to get up to approach Liv's office, but Amanda stopped him and stood up. "No, no, Fin. I'll deal with it."
"You sure?" he asked.
"Yeah, let her be pissed at me; it's not like it's the first time. I'll handle it," she responded. Fin sat back down and watched Amanda to the door. Neither were aware that several others in the room had also watched the journey, and hoped she wasn't going to make things worse.
After one day, Amanda had thought it was because of the tension with Chief McGrath or the loss of both Deputy Chief Garland and Detective Tamin that was bothering her boss. By the next day and Liv's irritability from the moment she came in, Amanda also suspected a possible hangover. By now, though, she didn't think that was the case.
Inside, Liv had been staring at her computer screen and could not focus. And, it definitely wasn't the noise outside of her office. She honestly felt bad for the way she'd been treating everyone and her head hurt. It had nothing to do with them or the computer screen. Her mind just couldn't stop thinking about…
A knock on the door startled her out of her thoughts. She looked up and saw Amanda and waved her in.
Amanda hesitantly stepped inside and closed the door. She didn't want to go up against a combative Liv, but this needed to happen.
"What is it, Rollins?" Liv asked, sounding a little more annoyed than she intended.
Amanda stepped carefully toward Liv's desk. "I just wanted … Are you okay?"
"What do you mean?"
Amanda sighed, took a seat across from Liv's desk and clasped her hands together. "Uh … has anything happened lately? What I mean is, um, is it McGrath? Is he still giving you a hard time?"
Olivia wasn't expecting that question and was confused. "Uh, yes, but … No more than I can handle. Why?"
"You've been … in a mood for the last few days, Liv. Did something happen?"
Liv sighed deeply and ran her hands over face before reaching to close her laptop. Normally, she'd say she was fine and it was nothing she couldn't handle on her own. Which, often, was the truth. Now, it felt like she was just waiting for someone to ask her how she was doing. Because she wasn't doing fine. She was everything but fine. And, she hadn't been in some time.
"A few nights ago, Stabler showed up at my place," Liv began. "He's been undercover, but he showed up drugged. I think he was slipped something. Instead of going to Sergeant Bell and telling her, he shows up late at night at my apartment, banging on my door. My son is asleep in his room, but … I was going to call Bell after I got him a glass of water. He was so out of it. I …" Liv groaned and leaned back against her chair.
Amanda kept her focus and concern on her boss. Stabler wasn't one of the top five things she'd thought would be the cause of Olivia's mood, but she wasn't all that surprised. From what she knew about Stabler from the past and what she'd seen since his return, she didn't trust the guy at all.
"Earlier this year, not long after Kathy's death, he gave me this letter," she continued "… It just left me more confused about things."
"About your feelings for him?" the blonde asked.
"Yes, and no," Liv answered. "Not just him." Amanda gave her a perplexed look, so Liv answered with a sad sigh. "Tucker."
"Have you told him about Tucker yet?"
"No, but that's not it. Uh … ever since Elliot showed up, I've been thinking about Tucker and how he showed up in my life again … and how he left me; how he left this life."
Amanda knew that Liv slipped when she said "he left me" and that she quickly recovered, but she said nothing. Though, she understood now where Liv's head was at. The parallels between the two men. Hence, Liv's confused feelings.
"We've had a couple conversations but it's never been about what I've experienced since he left, except for a moment at the hospital. We've worked together on cases since then, but I still have this resentment over him and his leaving me," Olivia continued to explain.
"And, you still have feelings over Tucker and his leaving you?" Amanda finished, referencing the slip.
Liv paused and her first instinct was to ignore the question and her slip-up, but she couldn't because it was true. "Yes," she answered honestly. "And, I don't know who I am mad at more. Stabler or Tucker, because I keep conflating the two of them and my feelings there. And, I'm afraid that, if I ever talk to him about it, and about Tucker, I … might say something I'll regret. Something he wasn't meant to hear; something not directed at him, but at Tucker. And I'm trying to figure it out." She sighed heavily and sat up again. "Then he shows up the other night, drugged, but talking about that letter and how Kathy wrote most of it – or, rather, dictated most of it – about us being in the way of what we needed and how he hoped I found someone who made me happy, but in the end, it would be him and I. Or, sorry," Liv made to use air quotes, "in a parallel universe, it would always be us." She crossed her arms and fell back against her chair again.
"Do you believe that?"
"No," she responded quickly, then, "I don't know. To be honest, all it does is add to my confusion and my feelings and my anger."
"Can I ask, why haven't you talked to him already?" Amanda asked. "I mean, before the confusion between them happened."
"Because Kathy was in the hospital, and then she was dead, and he was grieving … and then his head wasn't in the right place," Liv answered and flashed to that intervention at Elliot's place, with his kids. And, what she hoped was a slip-up on Elliot's part. "There hasn't been time. He just shows up and it's Wheatley and who killed Kathy and then he disappears again for an undercover assignment and he just shows up again and it's another thing. And, I mean, there are so many things I want to say to him. And, with everything that's happened in the last ten years … Does he even need to know? It has no bearing on the present, so … I'm fine."
Amanda knew Olivia tended to use the "I'm fine" when she really wasn't, but she didn't bring that up, as she often used a similar lie to cover what she was really feeling at times. "It's not his business to know what you've been through, but it does, I think, have bearing on who you are now, Liv." Her boss narrowed her eyes for a moment, but the detective forged ahead. "After everything that's happened to you – the good and the bad – it's changed you. Can you say that you are the same exact person you were ten years ago? Do you see things the same way you did then? I'm not the same person I was when I first came up here. Even our relationship with each other has changed several times over the last ten years. You've changed, Olivia, and you're relationship – or how you view your relationship – with Stabler has probably changed, too." Amanda sat back against the chair, indicating the air with her hands, since she was about to reference the letter and the paper in question was not in physical proximity. "In my opinion, according to what he said in that letter – the parallel universe with you and him – I don't think his feelings have changed since he left. Forgive me, Liv, for saying this, but him writing that letter, or whoever was writing it for him, he seemed to be talking to the Olivia Benson he walked away from, not the woman you are today. Did he write that letter before seeing you again?"
"Yes," Liv responded softly. "I mean, he had to. Kathy couldn't do that while in the hospital, so."
"So, he knew nothing about your life now," Amanda continued. "He knows nothing about what you've experienced and who you've been with. The only Olivia Benson he knew at that point was the woman you were then, when he left. You want my opinion?"
"Seems to me, you've been giving me your opinion already," Liv commented and sat up again, crossing her arms on her desk and giving her detective a small smile.
Amanda, letting out a hesitant chuckle, wasn't sure if that was a sign this conversation was coming to a close or if her boss was responding to what she was saying and being in a more receptive mood than she was when the blonde first entered the office.
"Listen, I'm not going to lie, I don't like Stabler and I don't trust him. Based on what I knew about him from the past and what I've seen since he showed up again, I'm not a fan. But, I know you still have a connection to him that you can't shake, so I don't know how you'll respond to what I'm about to say, but I'm going to say it anyway."
"What?"
"I think that letter was a shit move and you didn't need that. That response of him hoping you were happy with someone else … You don't need him to have an opinion or an approval of your relationships and what they meant to you. I know I'm not one to speak on relationships and probably shouldn't giving advice on how to live a sane and normal life," both women let out a laugh, giving Amanda's complicated history in all manner of things "but that just sounds like he's just saying you have his permission to happy with someone else. Then, to say it would always be the two of you … That's toxic, Liv. If we had a former boyfriend or friend or coworker say that in a letter to one of our vics, he'd be looking like a suspect, because that type of behavior is a concern. Even if you hadn't ended things with Tucker and you two were still together or married, or if you were with someone else, you don't need Stabler's permission, or whatever, to be happy. And, you definitely don't need him showing up and saying that, no matter what, it would always be the two of you. It's a shit move and it's not fair to you, nor is it fair to any man you end up with; and it's not fair to his wife, whether she was dead or not." Amanda sat up and rested her hands on the arm of the chair. "Sorry, but that's … That's just me. It's wrong, is all I'm saying."
Olivia sat and listened. Part of her wanted to admonish Amanda for some of the things she'd said, but she couldn't. Nearly everything she said was true. And, that was one of the reasons she felt resentment toward Elliot. Amanda was right, but Olivia already knew that and felt that when she'd read it. She didn't need his approval or blessing if she was happy with someone. And, Amanda was right that Elliot was talking to the Olivia he used to know when he said it would always be them, parallel universe or not. She felt resentment over the fact that he used Kathy to write it. She'd always liked Kathy and considered her a friend. To somehow blame Kathy for writing what he told her to write was an insult to Kathy's memory. This was on him, not her.
She was still confused over her feelings regarding both Stabler and Tucker, and she still had a lot to say, but she wasn't sure if she wanted to just let it go and move on – which would be the safer choice – or bring it up and risk him leaving her life again. Olivia was a grown woman, but she wasn't sure which choice she should make.
She looked at Amanda and noticed the other woman was barely breathing; as if she was waiting to see if she got chewed out or what she said was received. She gave the detective a small smile again and moved to stand up, ushering Amanda to do the same. "I hear what you are saying. I'm still trying to figure out how to do this … or not." Liv moved to the other side of her desk and rested on the corner, mindful of the paperwork there. "I'm sorry for the way I've been acting lately. I just …"
"He just messed with your head a little?" Amanda responded.
Liv sighed and she gave her a strained smile and scratched her hairline; a reflex she often deployed when an uncomfortable truth was stated. But, she conceded defeat this time. "Yes."
Amanda moved toward the door, as it was obvious the conversation was ending and her boss was feeling a bit better than before. "Sorry," she stated, feeling she might've stepped over a line. "I think you should talk to him, though, about what is bothering you and whatever. The details aren't his business, but it might help. Speaking of talking, have you discussed this with Lindstrom?"
"Uh, no, actually," Olivia replied. "We, uh, haven't talked since he showed up during Henry Mesner's case.
"Ah," Amanda responded and crossed her arms across her chest and cleared her throat. She wasn't comfortable talking about that kid, as his demeanor still ate at her.
Liv noticed and reached out to briefly touch Amanda's arm. "Sorry, but, yeah. He asked me about seeing Elliot again and I didn't feel like talking about it."
"Well, since I'm not one to give advice, talk to him. He's helped you a lot before; maybe he has a solution that is comfortable to you," she offered.
"Maybe…"
"Well, anyway …" Amanda went and opened the door, ready to get back to work.
They both noticed that, the moment the office door opened, the chatter outside the room got quiet and several people seemed to stare in their direction. Liv kept her amusement on the inside. Next time she came out to the squad room, she'd be softer and they'd get over the last few days.
She and Amanda exchanged a few words and the detective went back to her desk. Liv shut the door and sighed against it. She was reluctant, but Amanda was right. She needed help to deal with things. She had a call to make.
Outside the room, Amanda sat back down and Fin got her attention.
"Everything good?" he inquired.
"Yeah, she's good; just dealing with some stuff. It's fine," she answered.
"Care to elaborate?"
"It's her business, Fin. Liv can deal with it. She won't be on our asses, at least."
"Okay," he responded and stole a glance into his friend's office and saw her making a phone call and he hoped Amanda was right.
