Conversation Number 2: Dr. Lindstrom
Author Notes: Liv has many issues that still need to be dealt with. We need to see Dr. Lindstrom more. Longer than I anticipated. Once again, any typos, please ignore them.
SVUSVUSVU
Dr. Lindstrom had acquired a new secretary at some point between Liv's last session and this one. The phone call to make an appointment and mention her previous sessions took nearly an hour, as the secretary had to locate the files and verify.
Two days later, she stepped into Lindstrom's office, glancing briefly at the secretary before the door closed.
"Good to see you, Olivia. It's been a while," he greeted her and directed her toward the chairs. The colors of the furniture and the layout had changed, but that wasn't really important to her.
"I know. Sorry." She wanted to say that work and being a mother had become her only priorities, but she knew that was a lie. She stopped showing up because she didn't want to talk about things and felt she didn't need therapy as much as she used to. It was the same excuse she had used to end her relationship with Ed. It was just as much as an excuse now as it was then. "And, I'm sorry for blowing you off last time, when you asked about… Stabler."
The pair sat down and Lindstrom took out his pen and his notebook. "It's okay," he assured her. "So, how have you been?" Liv let out a sardonic chuckle and he understood. "You want to talk about it?"
"No…" she responded and sighed. "But, I have to."
"Okay."
"Stabler."
"What about him?"
"Everything."
It was obvious she wasn't giving him much information or that she didn't know where to start.
"Okay, can I say something?" he asked.
"Sure," she answered.
"After our last encounter, I looked back through our sessions. Particularly, the ones where we talked about Detective Stabler. You remember those?"
"Most of them, yeah."
"We talked about your feelings then, your anger at him leaving, the differences between him and Detective Amaro," he continued explaining.
"I remember," she responded.
"But, I noticed that, not once during our sessions have we ever talked about… what happened if he showed up in your life again and how you'd respond," he finished.
"Because I was over it," Liv explained. "He left and never called and I moved on. We came to terms with my feelings about him, but there was nothing left to talk about. And, we … had other things to talk about."
"Yes, we did. But, I've often asked you to imagine hypothetical situations to help process your trauma and some of the more stressful moments of your job. I never offered one to deal with how'd you respond if Elliot Stabler reappeared in your life and how you would process that and confront your past and the present. And, based on your behavior the last time we spoke, I'm guessing you were still trying to process it. And, I take it, you haven't confronted it yet?"
Olivia had avoided eye contact and had been focusing on the end of one of her sleeves on her light pink cardigan, worrying the fabric there. She looked up at him. "That's actually why I'm here now."
"You have confronted it?" Lindstrom asked.
"No," Liv answered. "I've … processed that he's back, but we haven't talked."
"You haven't talked since he came back?"
"No. I mean, yes. We've been working together on a few cases and we've talked a little bit, but no. I haven't discussed … anything else," she explained.
"But he has?"
Olivia let out a deep sigh and stood up to pace for a moment. She'd already had this conversation with Amanda and didn't feel like repeating it to Dr. Lindstrom, no matter how much she needed to. She could've just avoided this whole thing and just confronted Stabler about the letter and then call it a day. Move on.
But, she also knew it wouldn't solve anything. She'd still be left with the tension; the tension between them and the tension building up inside her. After pacing back and forth behind the chair a few laps, Liv moved and plopped herself back into the soft tan leather chair and focused on a point on a far bookshelf, her mind wasn't on the books placed there.
Lindstrom had watched her and stayed silent, letting her work things out on her own. With his history with Olivia Benson, he knew she often fought with him, and herself, before revealing things about what she'd gone through – whether it was Lewis, or Joe Utley, or anything from her past. His job also required of him to be patient with his patients; treating people psychologically meant having to deliver hard truths but only after the patient is comfortable enough with their therapist to handle it. Like many a patient, Olivia took a while to get to that level of trust. He had things he needed to say, but she had to be ready and open and honest. On her terms.
"Ten years," she began, sounding irritated. "It's been ten years and we act like nothing's changed. At least, he does, anyway. I just go along with it. When our squads have to work together, we do it. We make small talk, but that's it. And, every time we have talked about the past, it's been him." Liv let out a breath and flexed her hands over her knees as she tried to work the tension in her body. "Then Kathy dies, and he gives me this letter and I read it and I don't know how to deal with that. And then he never brings it up again."
She paused, hesitating on whether or not to mention it. She had been telling herself a lie for months; that he wasn't mentally there when he said it. But, coupled with the contents of the letter, it just added to her confusion and resentment.
"At one point, he … was, I think, too wrapped up in his grief and desperation to find out who ordered the hit on her, that his kids were getting concerned and Kathleen – one of his daughters – met with me and asked for help because of our history. She thought that I could get through to him. We staged a sort-of intervention and …" She let out a shaky breath. "I don't know if it was meant for me, or he was addressing his family or even Kathy or something … but he blurted out an 'I love you' directly at me. Then it was like a switch was turned and he covered by looking at his kids. But …" She shrugged and moved to rest her back against the chair. "Then that was never really discussed again. Cut to him disappearing again and being undercover and he shows up late at night at my place, banging on my door. And, he might've been slipped something because he was out of it and slurring his words and could barely stand and walk on his own. Noah's back in his room, asleep, and my priority is him and making he stays asleep and doesn't hear or see this." Liv waved her hands around as she talked. "Then he brings up the letter and how Kathy dictated most of it and how, I guess, our friendship or partnership or whatever you could call it was somehow toxic and got in the way of how we lived our lives."
Lindstrom kept quiet, allowing her to vent, though he did agree on Stabler's alleged assessment of the toxic – or negative – aspects of their bond. He had, in several previous sessions, discussed it with Olivia and helped her to come to terms with it and how that relationship differed from healthier ones she developed after he left; including her partnership with Detective Amaro and her romantic relationships with Brian Cassidy and Ed Tucker.
It was becoming quite clear that she still had several issues to deal with in how she viewed that relationship and all other relationships and friendships and partnerships. When she was done, he'd bring it up. For now, he let her do the talking.
Liv continued discussing the contents of the letter. "And, he said he wrote the last part of it after Kathy was gone and before he gave it to me, saying that, in some parallel universe or whatever, it would always be the two of us. This after saying he hoped I had found someone in my life who loved me and treated me the way I deserved."
"Well, you did, didn't you?"
She stared at him and refused to answer, though a few tears welled up in her eyes. She didn't want to discuss that at the moment.
She chose to ignore it and continue on. "He said that he hoped I found someone who made me happy and loved and then he has the audacity to say it would always end up being the two of us?"
"He said 'in a parallel universe', it would be the two of you, Olivia," he countered. "Do you believe that?
"No!" Liv stated, a little forcefully than she intended; her anger and frustration getting the better of her. She sighed, repeated her response in a softer voice. "I don't. Maybe, ten years ago, my answer would've been different, but … Not anymore. Rollins thinks that, in this letter, he's talking to me then. The person I was the last time he saw me."
"You spoke to Rollins about this?" he asked.
"Yes. I was – I've been in a weird mood lately and taking it out on everyone and she was the only one in the room with the balls to speak up," Liv answered and let out a chuckle. "She was the one who suggested I come see you."
"Do you believe what she said about the letter?"
Liv thought back on her conversation with Amanda. It went beyond just the letter. She had expressed her opinion about Elliot Stabler and what she thought of the letter and the contents of the letter.
"Yes."
"He wrote that letter – or rather, his late wife wrote down what he wanted to say – before he saw you again. I think Detective Rollins is right on that. And, because you two haven't talked about your life and the things that have happened to you since he left, that's all he knows. You said you two work together and act like nothing's changed. He might know some updates on your life – you have a child, you're the Captain at SVU – but if you two act like nothing's changed and you're picking up where you left off, then he might be inclined to believe that what he said in the letter was true," Dr. Lindstrom explained to her.
He decided to change course and try to get to the root of her issue before their session was up. "Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure," she responded.
"Why are you avoiding talking to Stabler about your life in the last ten years?" When she didn't respond, he continued. "Is it Lewis? Tucker? Are you afraid of how he'll respond to that?"
Liv let out a shaky breath. "He doesn't even know about Sealview?"
"Your first assault?" he inquired and she nodded. "Why not?"
"Initially, after it happened, I didn't say anything because I was his partner and I put myself in that position," she replied. "After I stopped blaming myself, I just didn't want to talk about it. I moved on, I did my job. Everything was fine. There was no reason for him to know what happened in that basement."
"Why?"
Liv squirmed in her seat and started worrying at the edges of her sleeves again. She also avoided looking at him. "I didn't want him to think differently of me if he knew. That, if he looked at me, once he knew, he'd see … I didn't want to be treated differently."
"What makes you think he would've?"
"Because he has before," she replied quickly and looked up at him. Off his inquisitive look, she elaborated. "I've been the target of a couple stalkers and such and suddenly he and everyone else acts like I can't handle myself and need protection. Once you're in a dangerous situation, or have been in a dangerous situation, you're treated differently. I don't want that." She shrugged. "I don't want to explain what happened with Lewis because I'd rather not have him have images of me like that in his head."
"Like you avoided talking to Brian about it?"
She nodded.
"Did you ever talk to Tucker about what happened with Lewis, and/or Sealview?"
"Yes."
Lindstrom was surprised by her response. It was his understanding of her psyche that she tended to avoid tough conversations in order to protect herself, which was the direction he was leading her to during this session. She refused to tell Stabler and Brian about her trauma, but she'd opened up to Tucker?
"Why him, and not your old partner or Brian?" he inquired.
"Because Tucker investigated me after what happened at the granary," Liv answered. "In order to do his investigation, he had checked into the case after the first time and read through the transcripts from the trial and the crime scene photos. So, he knew more about what happened than Cassidy. And, when we discussed our history, when he arrested me for murder, during that case, my time in therapy came up. So, naturally, we talked about Sealview. I think he knows more about what I went through, both with Sealview and Lewis, than what I've told you."
"Why is that?" Liv looked at him, shaking her head back and forth; not having a clear understanding of what he was asking. "I meant, why did you feel comfortable telling him everything? Did you not mind him having those images in his head, as opposed to Brian? And, what made you feel comfortable telling him everything you went through, as opposed to your therapist?"
"Because I trusted him," she replied. He was about to ask another question, but she continued. "No, that doesn't mean I didn't trust Cassidy or you. It's just …" Out of nowhere, Liv got irritated. She came to see him to talk about her issues with Elliot, not Lewis and Cassidy. Tucker, maybe, but only about what should she reveal to her former partner. She let out a groan and ran her fingers through her hair. "Look, I didn't come here to discuss Lewis or Cassidy or how much I trust Ed Tucker compared to Brian or you. That's not why I came here today!"
He wanted to delve into that conversation further, but chose to move on, per her demands. And, while, the concept of trust and relationships had a connection to her feelings regarding Elliot Stabler, this particular session was about how Olivia avoids having tough conversations and how that has gotten her to this moment.
"Okay, fine," he stated and decided to get straight to the point. "We can talk about that some other time. But, where I was leading with this line of questioning was … aside from trusting Tucker enough to talk to him about your trauma, you have a history avoiding communicating with certain people in your life in order to protect yourself. With Brian, and from what you just said about Lewis and Sealview and Elliot, you use the excuse that you don't want them to have images in their heads of you in a vulnerable state."
"It's not an excuse," Liv responded, defensively.
Lindstrom sighed. He was used to his patients being combative, especially this particular patient. "You say that you're trying to protect them from seeing or thinking of you like that, but you do it to protect yourself." Liv glared at him before looking down at her hands. "It's not just limited to traumatic events like Lewis or Lowell Harris. And, based on our previous conversations, it didn't start with Sealview and Stabler."
She looked back up at him, still with the same glare in her eyes. "When do you think?"
He ignored her condescending tone. "Your mother."
"We've talked about my mother and my childhood before."
"Yes, we have," he replied. "We've talked extensively about your childhood and how you dealt with your mother when she was drunk and we've talked about your social life then. When you were little, your mother would yell at you for whatever reason, so you said you often hid in your room to avoid her wrath."
"Because I was little and did nothing wrong. I was scared," Liv explained. "What's that got to do with Stabler?"
"You once told me that you often stayed away from her when she was angry and drunk so she wouldn't raise her voice or get mad at you. And, you learned how not to ask questions to avoid confrontations with her. On another occasion, you told me you didn't have many close friends growing up because you didn't want them to know what went on at home." As he continued, he noticed that she was seeing where he was going with this conversation. "You learned, at a young age, to protect yourself from confrontation and abuse; that the best option was to bottle up your emotions and what you felt. Eventually, that need to protect yourself and bottle things up, moved beyond avoiding being yelled at or being hurt – verbally or otherwise. You just learned to keep everything inside to protect yourself and not let anyone in."
"But I …" she began.
He already knew what she was going to say. "But you did. You let Stabler in, and Brian, and Ed. You let them in, but not completely, because your gut instinct was to protect yourself. It still is. There's a line you always have a tendency to say in here when we talk about recent events in your life – whether they are stress-related or traumatic. When I ask how you're feeling, you often say 'I'm fine' because you often don't want to talk about that which is bothering you. And, you're inability to open up has contributed to the downfall of your relationships."
Liv gave him a look that was somewhere between skepticism and exasperation. She had her doubts about his theory. Her relationship with Cassidy ended because they wanted two different things … but, they had drifted apart before that because she wouldn't talk about Lewis. Her relationship with Ed ended because he wanted to start a new chapter and retire, and she was trying to maintain the delicate balance between leading and protecting her squad – something she did not want to walk away from – and being a good mom and making sure Noah's educational development was on the same level as his classmates. Though, she never really explained things that well that night she let him walk out of her apartment. It was one of the biggest mistakes of her life, but she had thought she was doing the right thing. Her only other recent relationship was with David, and their downfall came in the form of their jobs getting in the way and creating a conflict they couldn't avoid. Besides, the relationship didn't last long enough for her to be open with him about her past.
Lindstrom noticed her expression. "You don't believe me?"
"I … I don't know," she responded. "How do you figure that?"
"Well," he started, "let's take a look at your past relationships; or, at least, the relationships we've discussed, since we haven't gone in depth into your dating history."
"Because they weren't important," Liv interrupted. "To recap, a lot of first dates, missed dates, and bad dates. Usually my job got in the way, or our lives were different. And, a couple of them turned out to be … pricks."
"How so?"
"One, early on, wanted to act out one of my cases. I told him to leave and locked myself in my bathroom. On the way out, he peaked at my files and put it in an article. Cragen reprimanded me," she explained and flashed to that moment in that small apartment with Nick Ganzner.
"Never turn your back on a reporter," Lindstrom told her.
"That's what Cragen said," she quipped. "I did get back at the guy, though. The second one used our feelings and connection to get close on a case we worked so he could stay a step ahead of us. He was FBI, so. He used that and said our feelings didn't matter."
"Ouch."
"I mean, we weren't exactly together, but there were feelings there. Then he left and that's the last time I ever saw him. I got over it quickly," she explained and smirked at him. "So, about my other relationships?"
"Right," he returned the smirk. "So, let's start with Kurt Moss."
Her expression went from residual amusement to slight shock. Olivia fully expected him to start with Cassidy, not a guy she'd only been with for a few months. "Uh, okay."
"You start seeing him before Sealview," he stated. It wasn't a question, but Liv nodded anyway. "Things were fine, but then you were assaulted. Afterward, a case came up and he – or the paper he worked for – became involved." She nodded again. "You told me, once, that you two were not as intimate after the assault as you were before, which was understandable. But, you ended things and said it was because of the case. You said that it was a conflict because his paper did talk about NYPD cases and you didn't want Internal Affairs on your back every time one of your cases ended up in the paper."
"Right," she responded and kept her slight amusement to herself. When she had first told Dr. Lindstrom about Sealview and her relationship with Kurt and their ending, she had been with Cassidy at the time. It was sometime before the Lewis trial, but after Tucker had shown up and gotten Cassidy into an undercover stint that could've cost him his life. She was pissed off at Tucker for that. What she had told Lindstrom was that she didn't want Tucker constantly breathing down her neck every time a case appeared in the Ledger way back then. Cut to a little over a year after the incident with Cassidy, and she no longer minded Ed Tucker being too close.
"As I said, you stopped being intimate with him because of your assault, but you never told him about it. Much like what happened with Brian. But, you used your trauma to out some distance between the two of you, allowing you to have a foot halfway out the door on that relationship. You used the case, his paper was involvement and IAB's involvement to finally walk away from a relationship that was already dead. You used your job as the antagonist, rather than your trauma, to avoid opening up to him and giving you an out."
"I didn't want him to know; it wasn't important for him to know," Liv protested. "I honestly didn't picture a forever with Kurt Moss, so he didn't need to know." She rolled her eyes and looked at him, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "Much like Cassidy, right?"
"No," he responded. His answer came out softly, but it was insistent all the same. "I agree that maybe your relationship with Kurt Moss was maybe only temporary and doesn't hold the same impact on your life that your relationships with Brian and Tucker, but I'm trying to get to a point. Yes, you avoided talking about Sealview with Kurt in much the same way you avoided talking about Lewis with Brian. But, the difference is, your relationship with Brian, I'm sorry to say this, may have doomed before William Lewis happened."
"I don't understand."
"You two found each other at a weird time and almost picked up where you left off all those years ago," Lindstrom started. He paused as he saw the lightbulb go on in her head.
Liv instantly recognized the parallel between her reunion with Brian and her reunion with Stabler. Honestly, up until that moment, she had thought of the parallels between Ed and Elliot; which caused the confusion and conflation between the two men that she still wasn't sure she wanted to mention to Dr. Lindstrom just yet. She'd never thought of her relationship with Brian Cassidy and how that related to her current predicament.
"You two never discussed the past; you just waited until he was recovered from being shot to start a relationship. But, much like Kurt Moss, you said you hadn't been sure if was just going to something casual or something more. Then Lewis happened, and the direct aftermath led to you living together. Going from doubts about the permanence of the relationship to sharing a home together complicated things. Things became more strained with the two of you. You were recovering, there was the trial, and Brian starting working for Internal Affairs and you spent nights alone. You were never in sync, no matter how much you cared about each other. Then you told me you thought you were pregnant and imagine what your life would be like raising a child with Brian. You were hurt that you weren't pregnant and Brian was relieved; and you deferred to his feelings on that, even though you and I both know you wanted to have a child. That's when, I think, the relationship started to fall apart and you were stuck somewhere between halfway out and desperately wanting to save it. If you had talked about things and what you wanted from each other, at any one point during your relationship – before and after Lewis – maybe things would've been different. But, you kept most of your feelings to yourself, to protect yourself and preserve a dying relationship. You spent a long time trying to confront things in order to not get hurt or start an argument."
Liv stared at him, tears brimming in her eyes. But, she said nothing and just listened. She knew where the conversation was going to go next.
Lindstrom knew he was getting somewhere, as she was no longer arguing with him, or getting combative. She was listening and processing that which she knew – deep down – to be true.
"Olivia, I already knew you had a tendency to avoid confrontation and open communication in your relationships before your relationship with Tucker happened," he continued on. "One of the things that surprises me most about your relationship with Tucker is how open you were with him when it came to the past."
When she spoke, her voice cracked a little, as she tried to control her emotions. "Because we needed to deal with our history before we could move beyond friendship. It was necessary. Plus, by that point, we were different people than we used to be. And, my views regarding IAB and Ed had changed over time, especially with being in command. I didn't see things the way Cragen saw them."
"Of course," he responded. "But, the one thing I did notice when we spoke of him, your relationship dynamic was different than when you were with Brian. You even introduced your son to him even before you two were together, didn't you?"
"Yes."
Lindstrom already knew the answer, he just wanted confirmation. "He was different for you than what Brian was. Brian was casual and fun, and a continuance of a thing you had when you were younger and just starting out at SVU. Ed Tucker wasn't a man you wanted to be casual with. You had a child and you wanted stability, and everything about him provided that for you. He was stable in his career; he loved and took care of you without being too protective; and he cared about your son and even incorporated him into your trip to Paris. And, I'm to take it that, since you told him about Sealview and Lewis, he never once saw you as a victim or pitied you or treated you differently because of it?"
"No," she began but backtracked a little bit. "Not necessarily. He did see me differently after what happened with Lewis at the granary. He told me when we talked about it; during that first interrogation, when I was telling him what happened when we first arrived at the granary and the choice I had to make – either Amelia goes first or I do – and I told him to come after me first. When I said told Ed and his partner that I told Lewis to rape me first, Ed said that left him speechless. He saw me differently after that, but it wasn't pity; it was admiration. I said it shouldn't be, because I just didn't want him to go after a child. After everyone he'd already gone after, including Amelia's sister, I didn't want him to hurt her, or anyone, anymore. I put myself in that position to protect her; hoping he'd exhaust him or stayed focused on me long enough to stay away from her and for help to arrive …" Liv paused, allowing a few tears to roll down her cheeks. She'd spoken about that moment with Ed, but never go in depth with Dr. Lindstrom. She took a shaky breath. "At the detriment to my own trauma and mental health, it wasn't admirable or heroic. It was survival, mine and Amelia's. Still, he said, he admired my strength and, despite my PTSD, I refused to allow Lewis to win."
"Even though you thought he did after what happened?" he asked.
"Yeah," she answered. "You were right, but it took time for me to accept that and process it. Ed said he admired me anyway, even if I felt I didn't deserve it. And, he was happy that I survived and managed to prove Lewis wrong every day since." Liv couldn't help but smile at the memory of Ed telling her he was happy she was there. "So, anyway, how does my openness lead to the downfall of our relationship and my lack of communicating?"
Dr. Lindstrom noticed her insistence on fast-forwarding to her issue. He also noticed the time. He had an appointment soon, but he wanted to get to the heart of the session before their time was up.
"Okay, fine," he conceded and followed her lead. "Everything was fine until Sergeant Dodds. You felt guilt over that, and I'm certain that, despite your brief interlude in Paris, you still felt that when you returned."
"Yes," Liv answered.
"Paris was a dream for you, wasn't it?"
"Yes," she repeated.
"But, after the case with the church, you two stuck by each other, establishing a bond. Paris seemed to solidify that; going together as if you were a family." Liv nodded. "But, Paris didn't end in the way you wanted it to, did it?" She knew the answer but said nothing in response. "You realized you were in love with him at some point after you got your jobs back. You were falling in love. Paris is known for being a romantic destination and ends in the clichéd proposal. You were anticipating that." It was a statement but Liv nodded slowly, almost as though she was unaware she was doing it. "When it didn't happen and you returned back to normal life, you felt as if something was off."
Liv flashed to the moment in the park when she told Ed she was afraid they wouldn't last. She had been expecting some sort of proposal, whether a marriage proposal or a promise to each other, and it never came. She loved him. He loved her and Noah. She did feel they were on the same page when they were in Paris, but suddenly, it had felt like they weren't.
"And, since you came back, you stopped making regularly scheduled appointments with me, so I can't speak to your relationship that well as we didn't discuss it much. But, if I had to guess, I'm going to assume you allowed that lack of proposal to fester in your head. Coupled with your residual guilt over Sergeant Dodds and overreacting to that situation by being overprotective of your squad, you were losing control of things and you were finding it difficult to maintain being in command and keeping your squad safe and trying to be a good mother to Noah and trying to keep your relationship with Ed as strong as it was before Paris." He took a breath and sat back in his chair. "I want you to tell me what led to your breakup."
Liv was hesitant at first, and she looked away from him. She wasn't really paying attention to where she was looking but realized she was looking at a table clock and noticed they only had a half an hour left in her session. She wanted to leave the office with a plan to deal with Elliot, so she conceded defeat to answer. "Ed didn't get the Hostage Negotiation transfer he'd wanted before we left for Paris. I think it had something to do with 1PP's feelings about him and the history and the case with his cousin. He ended up at Conviction Integrity, and then, out of nowhere, he's talking about retirement. I mean, I know he was closer to mandatory than I was, but … I don't know if it had something to do with his HNT transfer being denied or … his frustration over the direction of his career … or his health." Liv wiped the tears from her eyes. "I don't know, but between dealing with my squad and trying to make sure Noah was where he was supposed to be in his educational development, talk of retirement just overwhelmed me, I think."
"Tucker wanted you to retire with him?" he asked.
"Not exactly, I don't think. I think he just wanted to know where I was in the next chapter in his life. But, I didn't realize that then," she replied.
"And you didn't explain what you felt about it, did you?" he asked and she shook her head back and forth. "You avoided communicating?" She nodded. "Did you talk about it before his death?"
"Sort of," she said, trying to keep her emotions under control. "We talked a little bit, but I never got the chance to explain everything to him. I wanted to talk to him again, while I still could, but then I got the call."
"I'm sorry, Olivia," he responded and she nodded and took a deep breath. "And, now, we're here."
"Yep."
"You've walked away from and lost relationships due to lack of communication. And, instead of addressing the elephant in the room, you just try to pick up where you left off – with Brian and with Elliot – and pretend to move on. With Elliot, you've created a situation for yourself where – as Detective Rollins put it – Elliot feels nothing, except the obvious, has changed between you. And, unless you two sit down and talk about the past – your past as partners and your feelings there – and the past ten years, this lack of communication will lead you two to a fate you've experienced in your love life thus far."
"Okay, so what?" she asked. "I just sit down with him, tell him my feelings and talk about Lewis and Tucker, and everything's supposed to magically fall into place so it doesn't end that way?" She was honestly surprised he didn't offer anything better than. Liv already knew she needed to talk to Elliot. What she wanted was help in how to confront it.
"No, Olivia," he answered. "You work at it. You take time and let things process for him. Get him to understand your feelings regarding him and how they've changed. Get him to see that you are not the same woman he left. You can handle certain topics slowly and give it time. Explain how you ended up in situations and the toll it took and the journey you've been on to get past those events. Explain how you ended up in certain relationships and why and what those relationships meant to you. Open up to him and talk about your feelings, Olivia. Just because he might be bothered by some information, doesn't mean it's going to hurt you."
He paused and let her process for a bit before continuing. "Let me offer you a hypothetical, okay?"
She sighed, but leaned forward, balancing her elbows on her knees and paid attention to his words while she glanced down at her hands.
He was used to that position. For some reason, every time he'd done this with her while she was dealing with her trauma, she'd always sat forward and stared down at something. She was listening to him, even if it didn't look like she was.
"Okay," he started. "Say, you follow the same script that you did with your past relationships, and you choose not to address things because you're scared of how he'll react. Say, in this hypothetical, you two decided to start something together. You're in a relationship but you don't discuss the past. You think everything is fine because you work well together – personally and professionally – so it's not a big deal. Then it's been a couple of years. You don't live together, but your kids know each other and everyone gets along. Then a case happens – maybe a dangerous one for him, or a hostage situation for you – or information about the past comes up somehow, or something triggers your PTSD and you react and he doesn't understand why. Based on your previous behavior, you act like everything's fine, but a crack has emerged in your relationship. Per your script, you avoid it. But, then he's working a hard case and there are missed calls and rain checks on dates. You dive into your work and spending time with Noah and use that as an excuse to avoid him. Eventually that crack gets bigger and bigger until you realize you're already out the door or a fight erupts between the two of you. Fights have happened before, between you, right?"
Liv nodded quickly, recalling what had happened after Victor Gitano had killed a boy and Elliot blamed his distraction on her and treated her like she was inept without him. That still bugged her that he had made that accusation so easily. After the hostage situation, she realized they had needed some space from each other. She thought back and assumed maybe that's what he meant what he said in the letter, that they got in the way of what and who they needed to be.
Lindstrom continued, "And, like your previous relationships, you have found a reason to walk away. Maybe you still see each other while working or not, but the relationship ends you avoid each other or never see each other again … at least for another ten years. But, here's where the script changes. This time, it's not just the two of you that get hurt; it's his kids and Noah. And, that leaves a mark."
Liv let out a small whimper and quickly brushed away tears. She didn't want Noah to be hurt or heartbroken. She remembered when Ed first left, Noah asked about him a few times, wondering when he was coming over again. It broke Liv's heart, but eventually Noah's attention span moved on. In the hypothetical Lindstrom had described, Noah would be attached to Elliot and maybe Elliot's kids, especially Eli. Even if it wasn't Elliot, but some other man she'd gotten closed to but never opened up with, the scenario would unfold as predicted and she and Noah would end up hurt. Her heart was one thing, but Noah's …
Lindstrom spoke softly to her and sounded closer to her, as he was mimicking her position in his chair. "Whether or not you do get together or stay friends, you need to open up or the relationship or friendship will fall apart in time. And, if you incorporate Noah into that, he will be hurt, too."
"I don't want that," Liv cried and looked up at him. Her eyes were filled with tears while some cascaded down her face.
"I know you don't," he replied. "So, you have to open up and talk. In this instance, and with any future relationships you may have. Being open and honest is key. Olivia, you have to let go of the thinking that if you stay quiet about things, you won't get hurt or get into a fight or argument. I know you and I've seen you work. I know you have no problem getting in someone's face, and you've battled monsters head-on. Stop avoiding conversations to protect yourself and allow the people in your life – friends and otherwise – to see you as you are and for who you are, scars and all. How they deal with it is on them. If you take the time to explain things to them, they'll understand. Okay?"
She sat up and reached for a tissue on the table between them. She nodded quickly as she wiped her eyes. "Okay," she replied in a whisper and let out a breath.
Dr. Lindstrom moved to stand up and looked at the clock. They still had some time left in the session, so he allowed her the time to process everything they'd spoken about and he hoped it worked out for the best. Olivia Benson, like a lot of his patients, listened to his advice, but picked which words to abide by and which to ignore or put off for another time.
Liv had noticed the time, too, but instead of getting ready to leave, she sat there, her back against the chair once again, trying to reign in her feelings and work out some things in her head. She debated bringing up her confusion between Elliot and Ed, but figured that could wait until another session; she didn't want to open that can of worms just yet. Maybe if she sorted things out with Elliot, her head might be clearer and she wouldn't need another appointment.
After a moment, she stood up and gathered her stuff.
"So, should we schedule our next appointment?" he asked her.
Liv hesitated, at first, wanting to say no, but couldn't bring herself to do it. "Uh, can I get back to you on that? I want to see how this thing works out between Elliot and I before I want to speak to you again."
"Of course, Olivia. When you're ready, you can schedule with my assistant," he responded and put his notes on her inside a file folder on his desk. He didn't notice her skeptical expression but heard her reply with a hesitant "okay."
The two exchanged goodbyes and she thanked him for the help. He led her to the door and opened it for her. She walked out, giving a short but obligatory goodbye to the assistant before leaving.
Once she was outside the building, she took a deep breath of the air. As she headed back to work, Liv's brain worked overtime, trying to come up with a plan on where to meet and if it fit their schedules. She had to talk to Elliot and she had to do it soon so they can deal with their past and present and see how they dealt with each other in the future. Whether she was ready or not, this had to happen to move forward, even if it made her uncomfortable. Whether he was ready or not to hear what she had to say, this had to happen.
Dr. Lindstrom was right; she couldn't avoid it to protect herself from Elliot's reactions. If he couldn't handle it and she got hurt in the process, well … It'd be better if it happened now and between the two of them instead of blowing up in either of their squad rooms or in front of Noah or his kids.
All she had to do was figure out what she wanted to say and what to reveal first and she hoped it didn't go awry.
