Conversation Number 3: Elliot Stabler

Author Notes: This conversation was the entire basis of this fic. The yelling and the screaming and the breakdown and the truth and the truce. This was definitely much longer than it was ever supposed to be. I just finished it. It's 34 fucking pages. I'm tired and I wanted it done before the December 9th episode aired. Barely made it. So, if there any typos (I'm absolutely certain there are many), please ignore them. I'm too tired to proof the whole damn thing.

SVUSVUSVU

It took nearly a week to work it between their two schedules, and to obtain a location where they wouldn't be interrupted. It ended up being an empty warehouse near an abandoned industrial area that the NYPD used for drills and tactics for stings, hostage situations and sniper training. It was isolated enough that civilians wouldn't happen upon the area and get hurt. The only downside was that this particular building, with its vast emptiness, had one hell of an echo.

That concerned Olivia because if it came to a shouting match – which she predicted there might be one – the sound would reverberate off the walls and someone in any occupied space nearby, or on the water, might hear them.

But, the space was available and she had to deal with the echo that came with it.

She told Fin she wasn't to be disturbed for at least a couple of hours. If Chief McGrath called, he was to tell him that she was indisposed on a personal matter. She hadn't relayed where she was going and why and who would be joining her, but he figured it out anyway and told her to be careful and, if Stabler bothered her, to tell him and he'd go and set the man straight. Fin may be a fairly decent terms with Elliot Stabler, but he was Olivia's friend and second first-and-foremost; he'd protect her from anyone, regardless of who they were. Liv was touched but said she could handle things herself.

She messaged Elliot where to meet and drove to her destination. They would be in separate vehicles, rather than her coming to pick him up, and he was to leave his phone off and to tell Sergeant Bell he was going to be M.I.A. for a couple of hours.

Liv waited in her SUV until she watched him pull up behind her outside the warehouse. It was a large white box of a building with a few broken windows and peeling paint, but it was secure and intact. She sent a quick text to Fin that she was "offline" at that moment and she put her phone in an enclosed compartment within the center console and stepped out of the vehicle at the same time Elliot stepped out of his. He approached hers while still texting on his phone.

"Sorry, Bell isn't happy about this," he stated and continued typing. "She knows I'm with you and would rather we reschedule during our off-hours."

"I can't do that," Liv replied. "I have a young son who has a school schedule and a dance schedule that I already work my schedule around and I liked to be with him during my off-duty time."

Elliot finished the message and turned the screen off. He indicated her vehicle. "Can I keep this in there?"

"Yeah, sure," she replied and took his phone. Once the passenger door was unlocked, she placed his phone in the glove compartment and closed it and then locked up the car and started for the warehouse.

"You know, I haven't been unattached to my phone since in a few years in Italy; seems weird," he commented, taking a glance back at the cars as they walked on.

"The last time I had my phone turned off was about five, six years ago. I was on vacation and was not to be disturbed, unless it was an emergency all-hands-on-deck situation. Otherwise, Fin and the squad were in charge."

"Really needed that vacation, huh?" he inquired.

"God, yes," she replied with a laugh. "It had been a weird few years, and for a few months there, things happened. Stress." She stopped herself from mentioning Ed Tucker and Paris, because it wasn't time yet. "So, a week and a half away from the NYPD was what I needed; it was perfect."

"Where'd you go?" he asked as they reached the large double-door entrance and Liv took out the keys to unlock it.

"Uh, I'll tell you later, okay?"

Her lack of response got his detective senses on alert and he went for the obvious. "You didn't come to Italy, did you?" It would've been weird if they had been in same country at the same time and missed each other.

"Close, but no. Not Italy."

"So, somewhere in Europe, then?"

"Elliot …" Her tone was warning, and it was barely amused.

He knew to stop for now. Clearly, there was something she wasn't telling him at the moment. It occurred to him – though he kept quiet about it – that maybe she wasn't alone and that's why she wasn't giving it up.

Liv pushed the doors open and the pair stepped inside. He watched as she shut and locked the doors behind her.

"Afraid I'm gonna escape or something?" he asked, teasing her.

"Or I am," she quipped.

"You got the keys, though."

"True." And, she pocked them the second the doors were secure.

From there, she led him toward a row of folded, black metal chairs and she handed one to him and took another for herself.

It was time to get down to business. "What's going on here, Liv? You said we needed to talk, but why here?"

"I asked for a couple hours of your time, Elliot. And, I'm the one that's going to be doing the talking this time. Not you." Her tone was dead serious. "We're going to sit down and you're going to listen to me."

He flexed his muscles a bit, trying to shake the feeling that she was thinking he did something wrong, before unfolding the chair and placing it on the concrete ground. "Okay." He moved to sit down, and she copied his actions and sat about five or six feet away, facing him.

She took a deep breath first, trying to wrangle all of her nerves. Discussing the conversation with Lindstrom was one thing, but she was finally having it and it was freaking her out a bit.

"Since that night, when we first saw each other at the scene, we haven't talked much about … things," she started.

"We did a bit at the hospital, though, it seemed, you didn't want to talk to me," he pointed out.

"Yeah, I know, Elliot," she responded, irritated. "But, please stop talking. I said I wanted to talk and you needed to listen."

"Okay," he replied and held up hands as if he was a suspect under arrest. Her tone of voice was similar to the one she used on their perps.

"We talked a little bit about how you left and didn't contact me about it." He started to interject, but she held up a hand and glared at him and he stayed quiet. "We were partners for twelve years, Elliot, and you just walked away and I had to find out from Cragen that you weren't coming back. I tried contacting you; texts, calls, emails. No response. I … don't care what you're reasoning is behind that; I'm just telling you that we were partners and friends for twelve years and you just severed contact with me and it hurt. I felt betrayed by that."

Elliot already knew part of how she felt based on what she had said to him at the hospital and part of his conversation with Fin. He didn't want to interrupt and say he knew how she felt, because she made it quite clear she was the one talking. So, he listened.

"Then you show up, out of the blue … after ten years and … every time we've talked, you haven't been in your right mind. Grief and a desperation to find who killed your wife … you weren't in your right mind. Or you show up drugged at my apartment, banging on my door. My son was asleep down the hall, Elliot!" Her voice was rising and she was getting visibly angry, which was understandable, but she didn't want to start off yelling and screaming at him. Liv stopped and took a calming breath before looking back up at him. "We've worked together like nothing's changed between us; you show up at my home like I still live alone and can just drop everything to deal with you or work with you."

"Liv, that's not-"

"I'm talking, Elliot! Remember!"

He nodded.

"That letter you wrote …" she continued. "You can say Kathy wrote it for you, but it was your words, not hers. That woman you were talking to, Elliot… She doesn't exist anymore. You understand that?" He gave her a look of disbelief and she shook her head back and forth. "No, she doesn't. The Olivia Benson you walked away from and ignored … I am not the same person I was ten years ago."

Liv abruptly stood up and moved to pace a bit behind the chair. She took the time to take off her jacket and drape it over the back of her chair.

Elliot watched her, but didn't dare to speak. He just watched her trying to figure out what to say. He'd seen her angry and frustrated and tense before, but this time was different. She was somewhere between a livewire and a nervous wreck; it was clear that this conversation wasn't something she wanted to do, but felt she need to do, and she was working up the courage to do it. So, per her request, he watched her and was going to listen to her when she finally did speak.

Olivia rubbed her hands together and gripped the back of the chair, looking down at it for a moment. She really wasn't ready to admit to what she was about to say, but she definitely needed to say it. He had admitted to some things in his letter about the two of them, whether or not she believed it. Now, it was her turn.

"What you said in your letter, about us getting in the way of who we needed to be … you were right," she stated and looked up at him. "It took me a while to come to terms with it – with the help of a therapist and working with a new partner … and time – but you were right. It was that giant elephant in the room we rarely ever acknowledged." She breathed and let go of the chair and sat back down. "I love and respect Kathy, and she was a good friend, but … The Olivia Benson you left ten years ago was alone, couldn't keep a relationship for very long, didn't have kids and had one literally ripped from her arms. I did try to have relationships and I did attempt to adopt or have a child, but, obviously, nothing came of that. And, yet, despite that disappointment, I was fine with everything anyway, because I had you. And, that was enough." The two stared at each other for a moment, neither saying a word.

"I don't know if it was intentional or not, but you had this …" Liv waved her hands around as she tried to come up with the right word. "… dominance, I guess, over my personal life, and sometimes my work life." Elliot opened his mouth to object, but she held up her hand to stop him. "But, you're not totally at fault on that one, El. I allowed you to do that. I'm not saying you had total control, but you had a way of trying to get involved in my personal life, particularly my love life."

"When?" he asked. "When did I ever do that?"

Liv ignored the fact that he interrupted her when he wasn't supposed to and answered him. "Kurt Moss. Dean Porter. Ring any bells?"

"Porter was a dick, Liv," he pointed out. "Moss was involved in one of our cases."

"No, Kurt wasn't involved. Just because it was his paper, didn't mean he was directly involved. But, that's not why you decided to go meet with him, is it?"

"I wanted him to clear you with IAB."

"You didn't need to do that. It wasn't your responsibility to do something like that," Liv told him. "And, I know you better than that, Elliot. You found out I was with him, so you went to check him out. You know it, I know it, and he probably knew it, too. With Porter, I will concede he turned out to be an absolute prick, but before we found out he was monitoring us to stay a step ahead for his own case, you … what's that phrase, 'cock-block'? He wanted to speak to me, and you answered for me. He left and, yes, I did notice the satisfaction on your face."

"You didn't object, Liv."

"That's not the point, El. And, you know that. He wasn't the only one; you had a tendency to condescend to some relationships I had – at the time, or ones from the past – and you also had a tendency to act like you were the only partner I could work with; that no one was better than you." She noticed his chest puff up in response. When they were partners, she would've been kind of amused about it and might even tease him, even if there was a slight tinge of annoyance. Now, she felt nothing but irritation. He still thought that. She wanted to address that, but not at the moment. She had more to say on their time as partners. "You had this way of …" Liv sighed and hung her head for a moment before looking back up and flipping her hair out of her face. "You know what, it doesn't matter. You never told me when you and Kathy were separated, but you expected to know if I was in a relationship and who with. While you were separated, you saw other people; you didn't tell me and I didn't ask, because it wasn't my business. And, I know about Dani Beck."

Elliot looked at her in surprise. He didn't know Liv even knew Dani, let alone know about anything between the two. "Liv, there isn't much there to know about. I kissed her once, and we hooked up, barely, one time. It was nothing," he explained to her. "And, how did you know? Did you meet her?"

"Yes, once," Liv answered. "I stopped by the squad room. You weren't there. Met her and, when I was in Cragen's office, I saw you two interact. You didn't see me. And, also, I think Kathy knew … something. After Detective Beck left and I returned, Kathy made a comment about her, so."

He wasn't sure Kathy even knew that much about what happened with Dani because he had never told her. But, then again, Kathy had a tendency to be very perceptive about things. She used to tease him about Liv being his "work wife" and she knew about those old feelings and easily dictated that letter without any shock. So, maybe she knew, intuitively, when she saw Dani at the hospital with him that there was something there.

"It was nothing, Liv," he replied. "Just a one-time thing and then she left and that was it. My question is …" Elliot sat up straight and indicated to her. "May I speak?"

"For now," she answered, her voice annoyed and amused at the same time.

"Okay," he responded and crossed his arms again. "Why didn't you say anything? You said there were these feelings you have but you didn't say anything."

"Okay, first of all," she began, "like I said before, I love and respect Kathy. And, I respect your kids, your family, Elliot. Do you really think I would do that to them? Get in between your family like that? Not even when you separated, would I have done that? If something had happened between us, I would've felt guilty over it. Kathy was my friend and I didn't want to jeopardize that. And, I care about your kids; I never would've done something to hurt them. Never." Elliot nodded in understanding. "Second, had I said something or if something did happen between us, we wouldn't be able to work together, let alone be in the same unit. You know that? Third, it took time … and therapy … for me to come to terms about my feelings toward you. Not just those feelings, but the way we worked together compared the partner I had after you left. And, how I worked with other people or new people. Because, there were definitely a lot of comparisons, not always in your favor."

"About therapy, what …"

"I'll explain that later, okay?" she responded quickly.

He noticed the quick verbal response and watched as she made a pained grimace and twisted her fingers together and her eyes lost focus for a second. He catalogued that in his brain. Any time, in the past, when they had to have a mandatory sit-down with a shrink, Olivia was one of the ones – like him – who balked at the idea and insisted they were fine. Clearly, her feelings toward shrinks had changed and he wondered why and what caused it.

Okay," was all he said back.

Liv let out a breath. She wanted to move on to life after Elliot left, but there was something she wanted to talk about. It involved the mention of therapy, though not because of Lewis, and it had a sort-of connection with Tucker, but she didn't want to mention that just yet.

Sealview.

Olivia continued to twist her fingers but she wanted him to know. Because, if she was going to talk about Lewis and her subsequent therapy, then Elliot needed to know about her past assault.

"Um, before I move on to things that have happened in the last ten years, there is something I need to tell you." Her voice was quiet and a bit strained. "Uh, thirteen years ago, when you were still around, you remember that time I went undercover in a prison to catch a guy who had raped the teenage daughter of an inmate?"

"Sealview, yeah, I remember," he said.

"Fin and I suspected it was this one guard, because he was a prick, too. Probably raped inmates, as well, but we'd been after the one who raped the girl. And, then, when I got back, I had a bruise on my face and you asked and I said I was fine and didn't want to talk about it."

Elliot did not like where it was going. "Liv …"

She gave him a small, forced smile. "I wasn't raped." She nodded and he mimicked her action in relief. "They were testing the guards for TB and we were all in the cafeteria, waiting, and I started something about having concern over our safety. Other inmates joined in and … the one guard who we had suspected wanted to escort me back to my cell, but this other guard took over. He had been decent to me when I first arrived … Instead of taking me back to my cell, we ended up down in a basement space … where there was this dirty mattress. I did attack him a few times to try and get away but he found me. I screamed for help, hoping someone would hear. He cuffed me to the door … and said that if I bit him, he'd kill me." She paused and continued to worry at her fingers and her eyes lost focus as she was transported back to that basement. "He was … inches, barely, from my face … and, then I heard Fin calling. He said that he had asked an inmate where they went to go hook up. That's how he found us." She sniffled and barely acknowledged a couple tears making their way down her face. "He saved my life. If he shown up a minute, maybe even seconds later …"

"Why didn't you want to tell me?"

"In our line of work, we have heard countless survivors blame themselves for their rapes or assaults and say they put themselves in that position. Initially, after it happened, I did the same thing, Elliot. I asked to go undercover, I started the riot in the cafeteria, I barely suspected Lowell Harris to be the rapist. Instead of asking to check everyone and suspect all the guards, the way I usually would, I put myself in that position. I don't blame myself for the attack, but I put my life in danger and didn't operate on my usual instincts; I let my guard down. After it happened, my thought process was … as your partner, if you knew about what happened, how would be able to trust me to have your back in a dangerous situation if I couldn't even protect myself?"

"Because of our history," he answered.

His response took her aback and she blinked. She had expected some pushback on her post-assault thought process, but not that response. Olivia had expected him to say that it wasn't her fault, for which she would've gone on to explain she knew that later on and after she got therapy for it, and that it wouldn't have made a difference and he still would've trusted her, which she'd have her doubts over. But, his actual response was not something she had thought about.

It made sense, though. They'd been in dangerous situations before and had each other's back. Why, then, even now, did she think he'd act any differently?

"Did I say something wrong, Liv?"

"No," she replied quickly. "I just … I don't know why, but I never expected that response to me telling you about that assault."

"What did you expect?" He asked and mentally catalogued the use of the word 'that' instead of 'the' or 'my' when referring to her assault in the prison. It sounded like she was implying there was another. Then, he remembered her talk of therapy and that she'd tell him about that latter, and her facial response. He didn't like what he was thinking.

"Honestly, I don't know, El," she responded and brought his focus back. "I thought you'd say it wasn't my fault and it wouldn't change how we worked together."

"Both are true."

"Back then, I would have my doubts about how we'd work together with you knowing. To be honest, I didn't want the images in your head of me in a vulnerable position like that. And, they would've been. Fin is the one that found me, and he apparently got help for it, too, because he had nightmares about it. He told me. I didn't want it to be like between us. I did get help, too, though. Just not directly after, and it affected me."

"How?"

"Kurt Moss," she replied. Elliot gave her a confused look. "I had been seeing him for less than a month, maybe, before my assault. Afterward, I tried to act like everything was fine, but I'd cancel a date night at his place, or effectively end one at mine. I would have flashbacks, sometimes, if he got too close or breathed on me. So, I started to distance myself – which, according to my therapist, I tend to do to protect myself – and pull back from the relationship. Then the case we had with the gay football player and Kurt's paper publishing it … and IAB's involvement … gave me the final excuse to walk away from him. After that, things started to fall apart. I could recognize it, but it didn't affect how I worked, so. One time, you saw me yawn and you teased that a date must've gone well?" He nodded. "And, I said I cancelled it. I wanted to try going out with someone, but I ended up calling and cancelling it before I even got home to change for the date. I brought some takeout home and fell asleep on the couch with the TV and a light on. My place was mess, there was dust on things, dirty dishes in the sink, dead food in my fridge. I could barely sleep. That's when I decided to get help. It took a while, but it worked. I was able to slowly get on with it, and my apartment finally got cleaned. Didn't date much, if at all, but …"

"I don't know what to say," he said.

"I can't say I'm sorry I didn't tell you, because I'm not. I just … didn't want to talk about it and I didn't want you to think of me like that, or treat me differently, I don't know."

"And, you're telling me all this now, because …?"

"I want you to know who I was then, and who I am now. And, the things that I've gone through – good and bad – that have led me to this point in my life," she explained. "And, the last ten years … I've gone through some incredible lows and some amazing highs. I've reached moments where I was the happiest I've ever been, and points that were the worst moments of my entire life."

A few more tears escaped and she sniffled and tried to wipe it all away before she dared to move on.

He watched her reaction and wondered if his thoughts were correct on another assault happening and how bad it was compared to what happened to her at the prison. He suspected that the happy moments in her life had something to do with her son. Elliot had had five children; he understood that feeling well.

He sat back against the cold metal chair and stuck his hands in the pockets of the dark hooded sweatshirt he'd worn. "So, continue on. You were talking, I was listening."

He gave her a smirk and she let out an actual laugh. It was the first one she'd done in a while.

For Olivia, it felt good to laugh at his humor. She had been set on being the only one to talk for this entire conversation and it had obviously gone astray. She was grateful to him for trying to make things light and allowing her to continue.

"Thanks," she responded and he gave a small nod to her. "So, after you did leave, I mentioned it hurt and I felt betrayed by that and your lack of communication. Before Cragen told me you put your papers in, we had already gotten our newest detective, Detective Amanda Rollins, from Atlanta. Apparently, Cragen had put in a request before the shooting, and had kind of forgotten about it until she showed up, I guess. Then, after that, we got another one from Warrants. Nick Amaro. He ended up being my primary partner. After you left, I, uh, didn't want to work with new people and I was kind of cool toward him. And, Rollins, a little bit, too. It took time, but we started to work well together. And, I started to be able to trust my new partner. In some ways, he reminded me of you, in other ways, not so much. He could be pushy, sometimes, but our dynamic worked differently. You both have close connections to your faith, and he also spent some time in the military; his wife did, too, or, rather, his ex-wife. Their marriage got a bit rocky and things happened."

"I know that feeling," Elliot stated.

"Our partnership technically lasted about two-and-a-half years, sort of. After Cragen and Munch had retired and I was a Sergeant, I was commanding officer and his boss for a little while until … a case happened and 1PP put in a Lieutenant for a time, and I was back to having a partner. Then I was placed back in charge again, and then Nick left a year later. By that point, he had had some incidents and 1PP wouldn't let him advance in his career, his ex was living in L.A. with his daughter, while a woman he'd had a previous relationship with and a son had moved to San Diego. He decided to call it a day here and go live out there. I know this is going to sound a little rude, but I think I grew more – personally and professionally – in those four years working with him than in the time we were partners."

Elliot wanted to argue with her, but after explaining her feelings toward him and how he may have held her back – and how she held herself back – he could understand her point.

He didn't have to like it, though.

"In those four years, I went from detective to sergeant to being on my way to making lieutenant, which is a story itself. I had three relationships, though, he still doesn't know about the last one and how it began before he left. We kept that quiet for quite a while. The first relationship didn't last as long as I would have liked it to, but it helped me to put myself out there. It was nice. The other two lasted longer, much longer. Also, during those four years, despite experiencing some setbacks, I met a little baby boy while searching for a missing kid. Months later, I was his foster mom. A year later, he became my son. The best day of my life." Olivia smiled happily, remembering that day in Judge Linden's office when she finalized Noah's adoption.

Elliot watched the joy spread across her face and her whole body relax. For a moment, she was at peace and not tensed up.

"I'm happy for you, Liv," he told her. "I know how much you wanted to have a child. You finally got what you wanted."

"I did," she said happily, then her face fell. "… for the most part." When he looked at her, she shook her head. "I'll get to that in a moment."

"Okay," he replied softly. "You know, when I talked to Fin, he mentioned your son and he mentioned a couple relationships, one of which, he said, had been serious. I asked who it was and he said I'd have to ask you."

Liv chuckled. "Uh, yeah, that's … I'll get to that one, but I was in at least those three relationships. The first one was a lawyer, David Haden. He came in to work with us on a case and we hit it off. It was kind of a whirlwind thing and we never disclosed it because I just wanted to keep things private, especially since our relationship presented a conflict. Then, it all came crashing down. We worked a case and I was so sure a guy we had put away years had a copycat recreating his crimes and David took my word on that until … it turned out that I was wrong. I hadn't been at the initial crime scene way back when, but I had interrogated him off the information I had in the report. For nine hours. The guy eventually confessed. When we went to chat with the original victim, she had described the color of the scarf involved in her attack. In the report, it was listed as a different color. In the evidence box, it was the color she mentioned. He had confessed and named the color I must've mentioned at some point. I did, however, work to make things right and catch the real rapist and this guy was free. But, because of that case, they decided to create the Conviction Integrity Unit … with David as Chief. Because he'd be looking into my cases, and we never disclosed, that conflict … So, we officially ended things … for a moment."

"Really?"

Liv blushed. "He showed up some time later, wanting to talk about an old case. It actually ended up being one of yours and I wasn't involved with much of it, but … since he was already at place …" Her blush deepened. "I will say that it lasted for a few months, but, a situation came up and, uh ..."

"What?" he asked, curiously.

"You were still in New York about nine years ago, about?"

"Yeah."

"So, you might have heard about the case with a guy named Bart Ganzel, a woman named Delia Wilson, and Cragen nearly getting pinched for murder?"

"Yeah, I remember hearing about that. A lot of people went down for that. Did Cragen really do that?"

"No," Liv responded. "He didn't kill her. He was set up and drugged. Her pimp-slash-fiancé did it. Cragen was a target because we were investigating. Anyway, aside from that, in the end, a lot of people went down, others were killed. And, Delia's attorney was paying off the Bureau Chief of Public Integrity for her daughter's medical bills and to look the other way on certain cases. Since, she was supposed to report to David, and failed to do so, he felt responsible. He was not part of it in anyway, but his position got tainted so he resigned and decided to get away for a while. That's when we were officially over. Oddly enough … that case is how I ended up with my next boyfriend. Do you remember Brian Cassidy?"

Elliot let out a loud bark of a laugh. "Seriously?"

Liv smiled, her laugh was quieter than his. "Yep. Apparently, he was undercover for Foster, the Public Integrity chief, and acting as an ex-cop working security for Ganzel. When Nick and Rollins went to chat with Ganzel, they ran into Cassidy and he punched my partner. That's why Nick continued to have this animosity toward him throughout our relationship. He could accept it, he just didn't have to like him." She noticed Elliot's expression of understanding and subtly shook her head. "So, they brought him in and that's how he and I were reunited. Now, at some point during the whole investigation, Ganzel made him; realizing he was undercover and not an ex-cop. In retaliation, he set up a hit on Cassidy, using a uniformed officer to make the shot. I was in the ambulance and he almost died. But, seeing him again, brought back all those old feelings, you know? So, long after the investigation was completed and he was recovered, we started seeing each other. It lasted for a little over a year and included us moving in together, you know, where I live now with Noah."

"I was wondering about that. When you told your address before, I didn't ask. I just figured, because of your kid, you found a bigger place with more room," he explained. "Your other apartment was only a one-bedroom, right?"

Liv made a slight twitch and that slight grimace appeared for a split second, but Elliot caught it.

"Uh, yeah, it was," she answered quickly. "But, that's not why I moved in here. Brian and I moved in here because his place was kind of cramped and a bit dark. When I was staying with him, it was fine at first. But, I wanted something with more openness; more light. I needed that." The pained expression was back.

"What happened to the old place?" he asked her and was floored by her immediate physical response. She just froze right in front of him, her whole body was tense and her face was devoid of all expression and feeling. It lasted longer than he was comfortable with. He leaned forward in the chair and looked at her, concerned. "Liv?"

Suddenly, she came back to herself, though her body was still tense. His internal assumption earlier about a possible second assault might be dead-on. And, it had something to do with her old apartment. "Hey."

Olivia acknowledged him but held up her hands. "Give me a minute, okay." Her voice was shaky and he nodded to her.

She sat there, trying to get the nerve to tell him about Lewis. She told her story to an investigator; she told her story in a grand jury; she told her story in open court in his trial; she told her story to Dr. Lindstrom; and, she told her story – the whole story, feelings and all – to Ed. It never got any easier.

Elliot decided to start off. "Liv, when you were talking about what happened in Sealview, you referred to it as 'that' assault. You were attacked again, weren't you?" She looked up at him and there were already tears welling up in her eyes and she was a bit shaky. He got it. "You don't have to tell me if you're not ready to."

"No, I …," she began, carefully and tried to regain her composure. "I've never been ready to talk about it, but that doesn't mean I haven't." She took a deep breath and settled herself. The nerves were just going to stick around, whether she liked it or not. "I've told this to my therapist, for obvious reasons. Which, when I've mentioned therapy, it's because of this. He's helped me through a lot – PTSD and most everything else; I'm grateful for that. I've had to tell an investigator, and Cragen was in the room, so he knows. Also a grand jury, our then-A.D.A., at the trial. Brian, because I was with him at the time, knows a bit, but not everything because I couldn't … It was for one of the same reasons I never told you about Sealview. I didn't want images in his head, either. But, since I stayed with him right after, he did get to see the direct aftermath. But, the only person, out of everyone, that knows more than anything about what I went through, was my next boyfriend. I told him things I left out of my statement and the trial; even with my own therapist. I trusted him, so I told him everything, including all the things I was feeling and my emotions. I'm not going to tell you the way I told him, because I don't think I can handle it emotionally. I made the decision to tell him, but I still got nauseous afterward, and I had some nightmares again."

"Okay," Elliot responded. "Whatever you want to share with me, it's entirely up to you."

His voice and his words reassured her and she took another breath. She was still very nervous, but it gave her strength.

"We all had the day off. Brian and I went to the park, and then we ended up at a bar watching a baseball game. Nick was hanging out a park with his kids. Rollins was also at the park with her dog. Cragen and Fin went to the baseball game Brian and I were watching on TV. Munch was supposed to go with Cragen but his date turned into breakfast," Olivia began and watched him slightly smile. "There was this guy at the park who had exposed himself to these tourist girls and this older woman got it on her camera. Rollins brought him in, then called all of us in because when she ran his prints, he didn't have any and said it was a 'kitchen accident'. He kept getting off because we didn't have prints and we couldn't hold him long enough to get DNA, so we were in the dark about his past. Not long after he was released, a call came in. The elderly woman who got him on camera, her neighbor called it in. The woman's place was a mess; she had been brutally raped and tortured. Before his lawyer showed up, I got him to talk about what he did to her. He got off on it; he gets off on pain and humiliation …" She shook her head and then her whole body to shake off those old feelings. It didn't work.

"We thought we had him, but the girls flew back home and the elderly woman ended up dying. His lawyer made a jury believe that the woman's eyesight was bad, that there was cross-contamination at her apartment, and that I, and our whole squad, had a vendetta against him. He was able to make bail."

"That sucks," Elliot stated.

Liv snorted and replied, "That's an understatement. So, he's out, and you know he'll strike again, but … until that happened, Cragen wanted us to move on. Nick went to see his kids, Fin took Rollins to a bar for a drink, mainly because she suggested that we find the bastard and just shoot him. Kinda wish she had." She took a breath. "Cragen told me to take a couple days off. You know, I figured I'd pick up some stuff and then when I got home, I'd call Brian and see when he was free, he could come over for whatever. A break, dinner, a nap, shower, … anything else. And, then I got home."

He watched her. He was not going to interrupt her. As painful as it was to watch her facial movements, the tension radiating off of her, the dark expression in her eyes as she relived it, he would not dare breathe or make a move. This was her choice to tell him what happened to her, and he listened.

"I .. heard a sound from my room and I thought it was Brian. I thought he might've come over and maybe took a nap or something. After the Ganzel/Wilson case, he got demoted and was stuck working at the Bronx County courthouse. I mean, his place was actually closer to his job than mine was, but he could've come over. My bed was always more comfortable than his. But, it wasn't him; it wasn't Brian. It was … He pointed a gun at my head and I froze. I had my gun still on me, but I froze. He dragged me into the bedroom and took my gun. I tried to attack him, but he hit me with his gun and I blacked out. When I came to, it was still dark outside and my arms were tied to the bed and my legs and ankles were duct taped together, there was also duct tape over my mouth. My clothes were still intact. Small favors, I guess. Lewis wasn't in the room, but I could hear him. It sounded like he was in the kitchen. I tried to sit up and twist around to work the rope he'd used to tie my wrists; he hadn't used the handcuffs yet. But, he must've heard me, so he came in. He had a bottle of pills with him. They weren't mine. And, he had a bottle of vodka. And, for those four days, two of which were at my apartment, that's all he kept me on. Very little if no water, nothing to eat. Just alcohol – mostly vodka – and Vicodin and sleeping pills. I tried staying conscious because I was afraid of what would happen while I was out, and the times I did pass out, he'd force me awake. During those first two days, I did try to escape and he switched from the ropes to handcuffs and tied me to a chair in my living room. At one point, Brian had left a message, apologizing for having to pull a double shift and he'd make it up to me. So, Brian wasn't coming home and Cragen had given me two days off. When I told him they'd eventually come looking, he knocked me. We ended up at his lawyer's parents' house. He had left her to go back to work, he killed her father and tied her mother to their bed. And, tied me to a chair and made me watch …"

Elliot closed his eyes, for a moment, and tried desperately not to picture that scene. The look on her face made it worse.

"Between the vodka, the pills, no food and exhaustion, I passed out. Next thing I know we're outside a hardware store and he said he had to find the perfect place to ... On the way there, he got pulled over by a young uni and he shot him in the head. He put me in the squad car and he used it to carjack a woman and lock her in the trunk before taking her minivan. Then we were at a beach house. I tried to delay things, but we were interrupted by a maid showing up. He tied her and her little girl in a room while I used the last bit of energy I had left to break the bar of the iron-framed bed he'd handcuffed me to. When he came back in, I taunted him to distract him before I attacked him and knocked him out. I cuffed him once I got the keys and got the maid and her daughter out of there." Liv paused and sighed as she rolled out her shoulders, trying to remove some of the tension. "I wanted to call for help, but then I saw myself in the mirror. And, I saw his reflection. And, all I could think of, was that I wanted him to suffer; I wanted him to know the pain and humiliation and degradation that he'd put others through; put me through." She decided to intentionally leave out the part where she had wanted to call Elliot and have him put Lewis through pain, and the part where Lewis had talked about him and their relationship. She didn't feel the need to bring it up or let Elliot know.

"Eventually, he came to and talked. And, he asked what I wanted to do. I put the gun to his head and he begged me to shoot him. Earlier, and once in my apartment, he put the gun on me and wanted me to beg for my life. It got him off. This time, he was begging me to take his life and it was a game to him. I wanted to, so desperately, pull that trigger."

"Why didn't you?"

"Because, no matter how evil a monster he was, I couldn't bring myself to do it," she replied. "And, it would've been too easy. His life would be over in an instant. No pain, no suffering, no punishment for the absolute nightmares he'd put others through. So, I set the gun down and was going to try and figure out how to call for help while leaving him there. He was conscious and could break free if I left the room. He then said I didn't have the balls to kill him. I think I just snapped. I grabbed the bar that I had broken free with; I wanted to hit, just once, to get him to shut up. If he was knocked out again, I could call for help. But, something broke in me and I just kept hitting him with that bar until I had no more energy left." Her eyes had lost focus and it was clear she was back in the bedroom of that beach house, reliving that moment. "There was blood, so much blood; I thought I'd killed him. And, then I threw up. And called for help. I wanted to walk outside for a moment, or drink something, whatever. But, I walked back in that room and kept the bar and the gun closer to me … just in case. Then I heard the sirens and Nick and Fin. They took him away and Fin said he was still alive. When I was at the hospital, I could barely stay awake and alert. They did do a rape kit –" Elliot's eyes went wide and she noticed. "As a precaution, plus, there were times I wasn't conscious and I was drugged and out of it, so I wasn't entirely clear. I had broken ribs, my wrists. I didn't want to be sedated – having been forced sleeping pills already – and I did not want to sleep at all. They admitted me for an overnight, just so I can get some rest and fluids and some food in me. I remember, at one point, hearing a couple nurses talking outside the room. Lewis was in the same hospital as me; he was heavily guarded, as my room ended up being through the night, but he was there. And, there were talking about his injuries and one of the nurses commented that it seemed excessive. The more time that had passed since they got me out of that house, I was coming back to myself; especially the cop in me."

"You thought you used excessive force on him when beating him?" he inquired.

"Yeah," she answered. "The longer I was in that hospital room, by myself, the more time I had to sit with that."

"Liv, what he put you through … You were his victim. If it was any other person, would they have said the same thing if she beat him within an inch of his life?" he argued.

"Yeah, well … When I gave my statement the next day, that's where my head was, so … I lied. I told them that the reason I beat him was that he had broken free and lunged at me. That didn't happen," she explained. "Anyway, after that, I ended up staying at Brian's because my place was a crime scene, and I didn't think I could ever go back there. Cragen offered to put me up at a hotel, but the unfamiliarity would not have helped. Since, I'd spent the night, sometimes, at Brian's … It was like a cave in there, for me. A comfortable, safe place I could hide away. Brian took a couple days off with me until I got used to being there alone. And, in those few days, he practically had to drag me out of there for my grand jury testimony – where I repeated the lie – and for my first therapy session. Outside of therapy and a few outings at a park, I rarely left his apartment. It took me two months to go back to work again. I wanted to, but early on, my therapist asked to think about the process of hearing about someone's rape or assault and investigating it. I kept having flashbacks when I tried to think about it, or I would equate what I went through with what someone else went through and it would give me a new set of nightmares. But, he helped me to work through that and give myself time. Two months later, Brian and I cleaned out my old apartment and brought some things to his place and put others in storage, and I went back to work. It wasn't easy, but I got through it. And, the next case, and the next day; it got easier. Then, after that, I wanted to find a bigger and brighter place to live. At first, it was just for me, but then we decided to move in together. Where I live now with Noah."

"So, you were able to get past the trauma from those four days and move on," he stated. "Good for you."

"Uh, no, not exactly," Liv replied. "There was the trial several months later. And, Lewis decided to represent himself. At times, seeing him felt like I was right back at Square One in therapy. And, because I had told that lie with the investigator and at the grand jury, I had to repeat it in court. And, he knew. He got to me up there, and because of that – and one particular juror who develops romantic feelings toward psychopaths – he almost got away with it. He ended up guilty on two of the four counts, including my kidnapping and assault."

"Good," he said.

Liv nodded her head slightly. "After that, uh, things weren't easy. Munch had already retired and I had become Sergeant, but Cragen retired, too, and I was in charge, and Nick was going through some stuff, which made things difficult for me at the start. My relationship with Brian, though he had been there every single day of the trial and was so supportive, was starting to fall apart. To get his shield back, he ended up working in Internal Affairs and had a lot of undercover assignments, so he wasn't home. Then, at one point, I thought I was pregnant. It turned out, I wasn't, but Brian said he was relieved. I didn't fight him but … Coincidentally, we had a case of a missing kid right after that and it led to this motel room where I found this little baby boy asleep in an open dresser. It ended being Noah. I got attached to him, so I would go to every single court hearing regarding his custody and foster status; he was in and out of several homes. Eventually, my relationship with Brian reached an end. We weren't communicating with each other – something I do with people – and we wanted two different things in life. I wanted to have a family, to start a family. He didn't see that for himself."

"Ass," Elliot muttered, but the design and vast emptiness of the warehouse made his voice loud and clear.

Liv adamantly shook her head back and forth. "No, he's not. He had his own personal reasons for that. I can't really blame him, but it was better to end things than for one of us to sacrifice something for the other like that. We still love and care about each other, though. He is a good man."

"Okay," he replied, conceding on that, though he didn't like it. He didn't know Cassidy's reasons for it, but it was a shit move not to give Olivia something she had wanted for years.

Liv moved on and got a dark look on her face. Elliot noticed that and dreaded what she was about to say.

"Not long after Brian and I ended things, Lewis escaped from prison," she started.

"Oh, God."

"I was out getting coffee and I had a call from an unknown number. It was a video call. He was in a car, driving … free," she continued on. "I got back to the precinct so fast. Mainly, because I didn't know where he was exactly, and if he was nearby. I wanted to get somewhere safe. When I got back, I was trying to give orders and background and what had gone down in his escape when this Lieutenant – whom we'd met on a previous occasion – came in, per 1PP's orders. Since, I was the target, I couldn't investigate it. He wanted me in a safe house or a hotel, but I refused to back down and worked with him to find Lewis. He'd already killed a couple people, including the guard at the hospital when he came in, faking internal issues. He assaulted a woman on his way out. He killed the doctor tending to him, raped her eldest daughter and kidnapped the youngest. He said if I wanted the girl to live, I had to go on TV and tell the truth about what happened at the beach house. I took the bait and I shouldn't have. I wanted the truth out there, but he used it against me. Murphy – the lieutenant who took over – had put a protection detail on me to protect me. I gave them the slip to go after Lewis myself. He tossed my phone, but kept the radio. He took me to this abandoned granary where he had Amelia. He gave me a choice: he could rape her, while I watched and then he'd come after me, or I go first."

Elliot froze.

Olivia didn't give him the chance to respond or even ask. She just continued, the same way she did when she told Ed and his partner afterward. "I told him to rape me." He still said nothing and sat there in shock. "He had my legs duct taped to a table, he handcuffed one of my hands to the table and put a rope around the other. I went numb. I didn't know if he was going to give if I didn't fight him, I just went numb and tried to be anywhere but there. He gave up and let go."

"He didn't …?" Elliot asked, his voice cracking.

"No," she stated. "I think he wanted me to fight him and, when I didn't, he moved on. Instead of going after Amelia, he changed direction. He two guns on him, one of them was a revolver. He left one bullet in and spun the chamber." She watched the realization in Elliot's eyes. "Yeah. He went first, with his dominant hand. Then it was my turn." She breathed in a shuddering breath. "On his next turn, he switched to his non-dominate hand. He said that, because of my televised confession, he could kill himself and no one would believe me if I said he did it. I kept telling Amelia to look away, so she wouldn't see it. And, I was handling the gun, too. We heard sirens and then he turned on the radio so they could hear. He gave me the gun again. Nothing happened. He went and it didn't go off. Instead of giving me the gun, he pointed it at me. He shut off the radio and told me that … that he would be the last thing I saw before I died; the last person I'd think of. He put the gun to my first, with his non-dominate hand. I … didn't see it until that split second, but he had it pointing at his head and pulled the trigger."

She blinked and the scene had played out in her mind. "I thought, at first, that I was dead because I didn't feel anything or hear anything. Then I realized he was on the table and his face was … gone. And, then everyone showed up." She decided to skip over most of her conversations with Ed and his partner because that interview had played a part in her relationship with Ed, and she'd get to that in a moment. "After everything, IAB handed their report to the D.A. in charge, and they decided not to dispute my 'version of events'. The D.A. didn't agree with that and wanted to indict me. In the end, Murphy clearly told them a different version of events that made it seem like the televised confession was made up by him in an attempt to get Lewis. He tells everyone to tell the truth, but he decided to tell a different version to save me and my job. He's not such a bad guy and we later did get along. I wasn't indicted, Lewis was dead, and I couldn't finally close that part of my life … though, I did have to work through some more flashbacks and nightmares."

"I'm sorry you had to go through any of that, Liv," he told her. "If I had known-"

"No, Elliot, don't," she warned him. "It would not have made any difference. At all. Nick was with his family, my boyfriend had to pull a double, Cragen gave me two days off. No one had any inkling he'd come after me. I mean, I know I was the one in the interrogation room with him, but Rollins is the one who brought him in in the first place. He could have, just as easily, gone after her. She was single and alone and wanted to get him, too. Even if you were around and Cragen gave me two days off, you'd probably figure I was with Cassidy or something while you were with your family," she explained to him. "It would not have made a difference. If anything, he probably would've shot you if you did show up. That was my fear if Brian had come over during those two days. When I tried to escape, I went for the door and tried to scream before he covered my mouth. He said if any of my neighbors came by, he'd kill them … or worse. And, when he escaped, I made the choice to slip my detail. Murphy didn't know, Nick didn't, no one did. Your presence would not have made a difference at any one point." She shook her head back and forth to make her point.

"Still …"

"Thanks."

"So, anything else? Anymore traumatic situations?"

"Well, not really anything that kind of traumatic, for me, anyway, but there have been other things," she answered and a smile came to her face. "You wanna know the story of how I got my son?"

"God, yes," he answered. "After this whole Lewis thing, please! Something good has had to happen at some point."

Liv laughed. "I know, right. But, this is my favorite. So, I thought I was pregnant, right? And, then I found out I wasn't and Brian was relieved and I was sad about that. I felt that whole biological ticking clock thing. So, anyway, there's this missing boy. He was adopted and the father worked a lot and mother was stressed so she sent the boy away. The lady she gave him to ending up giving him to this couple who turned out to be child pornographers. They already had taken in a few girls to do videos. When we caught the woman, she led us to the motel and we found the three girls, but not the missing boy, or the guy the woman was with. In an adjoining room was a baby boy. According to the woman, he was not going to be part of the videos; he was going to be her baby. The guy showed up with him as a gift to her, but wouldn't say where he got the baby. When I first held him, I was still feeling things over the pregnancy test, and I bonded with him. I fell in love with that baby. We did end up finding the missing kid and the guy was arrested. But no one came forward for that little boy, so he ended up in an out of foster care. Then, a few months later, we arrested this woman who was involved in attacks on men she was supposed to have sex with in a hotel room and "room service" is supposed to show up and rob and attack the guy. After arresting her, a lawyer responsible for that baby's case shows up. The woman I arrested is his mother. Turns out, she had O.D.'d over the holidays and when she came back they told her that her baby was dead. Except, they gave the kid to that couple. That's when we found out his name: Noah. She told us she didn't know who the father was. We managed to convince her to testify against her pimp and she'd be safe and can get help in the hopes that eventually she could be a part of Noah's life. But, she freaked and left the halfway house we set up for her. We found her body, charred. She had been gang-raped, tortured and set on fire. We arrested her pimp, but he didn't do it. So, with no known father and his mother dead, Noah's future remained in limbo. But, the judge had noticed that I was always at every hearing for him …" Her face lit up. "And, she asked if I wanted to be his foster mother. If it worked out, in a year, I could adopt him."

"And, you said yes," he responded with a smile.

"Not at first, I was speechless," she answered with a slightly nervous laugh. "I was nervous and scared and, after what happened before when they turned me down for adoption, I didn't want to relive that pain again. And, like before, I was single and had no family, and a demanding and risky job. But, this judge was offering me this baby and I couldn't say no to him. So, after a conversation with the judge, the lawyer on Noah's case, and Trevor Langan – who had been Noah's mother's attorney and, upon her death, became Noah's advocate – I said yes and signed some papers and … Then, cut to about nine months later, we are trying to find a missing trafficked girl. Her mother has been undercover – though, not a cop – locate her. We help and find the girl with this monster who chains them up and rapes them and has his friends do anything they want to these girls. After his arrest, Melinda Warner shows up at my place and says she got a DNA hit. This brutal monster was Noah's father."

"Jesus," was all Elliot said and whistled through his teeth.

"Yeah, so when Ellie – Noah's mother – had said she didn't know who the father was, she was either lying because she was afraid of this guy, or it could've been while he had her and it was one of his friends. Either way, that little boy, like me, was conceived during a rape. After that, I debated on whether or not to say something, and I was told by a couple of people not to, because he could use it to his advantage. And, he did. During his trial, a few months later, he first tried to give up parental rights in exchange for a deal, then he wants his rights as a parent; meaning I could keep Noah, but I would have to take him to that prison everything until Noah turned eighteen. Then, he tried to terminate my custodial rights. He tried everything to get his way – regarding Noah and his case. Then everything went south. In court, he created a diversion to escape and killed two officers, shot the judge and Nick went after him. Gunfire was exchanged. Nick was rushed to the hospital and Noah's father was dead. It was … chaotic. But, with no known family and nothing else being in the way, the judge approved the adoption. Noah was mine," she said with a big smile. "It wasn't an easy year; he ended up in the hospital a couple of times – once with a severe respiratory issue and once with measles, don't ask – and right after I got him, the people who targeted and killed his mother opened gunfire on the playground my sitter took him to. She was okay and so was he, but that was scary. But, everything else in between was a dream. He came into my life at the perfect moment I needed him. After the previous year I'd had, having an apartment filled with baby giggles and mumbling sounds … It made everything right. I mean, as a parent of a growing child, we've had some issues since the adoption, but … He's the greatest thing to ever happen to me and he's my favorite person in the whole world. I can't even imagine my life without him." Her eyes teared up.

Elliot sat up and looked at her. "I'm happy for you. You deserve him. I don't mean that because of what you went through. You had wanted a family for so long, especially your own child, and you found one. Unconventionally, but you got that and you deserve that happiness."

"Thank you, Elliot."

The pair were silent for a little while. Elliot knew she had more to say, he could sense it, but they just let things settle for the moment.

"There is something I want to tell you, but it's complicated," she told him. He gave her a look of dread, but she smiled to reassure him. "It's not like that, though I did end up in a hostage situation, again, and had to listen to a guy rape a teenage girl in the next room. But, uh, all it did was provide fuel for my nightmares, and trauma for that girl. And, I felt some guilt over that."

"Why?"

"I got a message that my squad had caught a rapist we had been trying to apprehend for some time. He read that and wanted to 'party'. He did that eeny-meanie-miney-mo game and pointed his knife at his girlfriend – who also had a gun on us – the girl's little brother, me, and it landed on Tess, the girl. His girlfriend kept the gun on me, so I couldn't help her. Afterward, I did my best to keep them safe or try to get Joe to let them go."

"Joe's the guy holding you hostage?"

"Yeah, sorry. In the end, I got their father out because he'd been beaten, their mother had left with the girlfriend's brother to get money and they got caught, so she was safe. I managed to convince his girlfriend to surrender when she went to check the getaway car. Once we were outside, I got him to let the kids go. Then I punched him and snipers took a shot. I was a bit banged up and a little traumatized, but okay. But, that's not what I wanted to tell you."

"Okay."

She clicked her tongue and took a breath. "So, during the year I was fostering Noah, I kind of ended up with someone. We got together after work for drinks or a meal or whatever and we were friends. I could vent to him about things; we would just talk. We'd known each other for years and we talked about the past and reconciled with things. As time went on, before Noah's adoption, drinks turned into him walking me home, or just prolonging the evening, grabbing a bite to eat turned into romantic dinners. And, I'm the one that kissed him first. And, I didn't tell my squad because – like my previous relationships – I wanted to keep some things private, but also because of our history, it might have been weird."

"Why, who was it?" he asked.

Liv got nervous and tilted her head down for a moment before glancing up at him with nervous anticipation on her face. "Ed Tucker."

His face fell flat. "Seriously?"

"Yes," she answered.

He stood up and flexed his muscles. "Seriously, Tucker?! IAB? Tucker? The guy who seemed to have a hard-on for taking us down? What? You just forgot all that, Liv?!"

Liv stood up with fire in her eyes and her voice. "Sit down and stop talking, Elliot!"

"No, I'm not-"

"I'm going back to my ground rules. I talk, you keep your mouth shut and listen!"

The pair stood there staring each other down for the longest time. Finally, Elliot gritted his teeth and seethingly sat back down and crossed his arms over his chest. Olivia, meanwhile, stayed standing.

"First of all, I just told you. He and I talked about the past and dealt with it. Time away from you, therapy, getting older, being in command, I see things differently than I used to as a detective. Hell, he even investigated Rollins, and even Nick on a few occasions. He was also in the room when I was questioned of what happened at the granary. He didn't want to believe me, at first, that Lewis killed himself." Elliot tried to say something, but she held up her finger at him. "Nope. We talked about it. All of it. Things change, people change."

"Yeah, I can see that," Elliot muttered. "I leave and my partner ends up banging an IAB rat."

She took the few steps toward him and smacked him, hard, across the face.

When he recovered, he looked up and saw fire and tears in her eyes and he was caught between regretting what he uttered and not feeling sorry for it. He hated the guy.

When Liv spoke, her voice was quiet, but deadly cold. "If, after all this time, and in our current climate, you still think of IA as rats, that says all I need to know about you as a cop. Even with our history."

He said nothing, so she moved away, but didn't sit back down.

"We fell in love, Elliot. It wasn't something I planned on, but I fell for him. And, he was perfect. He loved Noah, too, and Noah had a best friend he liked playing with and showing his toys to. Ed introduced him to a green pepper and ham pizza that is still, to this day, his go-to favorite pizza toppings. I didn't mind either one but never really liked them together. Ed did, and Noah does, too. Even when I try to pick out healthier options, Noah wants green peppers and ham. During our relationship, we went through a lot together. When I ended up in the hostage situation, Joe wanted someone higher up in the NYPD that I trust; that cared if I lived or died. At the time, it was either Ed or our then Deputy Chief, Dodds. Since he and I weren't together and I don't think he would've cared if I lived or died, it was obviously Ed. He showed up and he helped to handle the situation with me. Afterward, when they checked me out in the ambulance, he didn't want to leave me. I had to convince him to, so he could talk with ESU and Joe's girlfriend and her brother for information. After I got home, he stopped by. We didn't talk much and I just held onto Noah while we sat on the couch. After I put Noah to bed, I slept on the couch and he stayed. He turned the lights off, but kept the TV on just in case. By that point, I had already told him about Sealview and Lewis. And, he knew more what I went through with Lewis because when he had to investigate what happened in the granary, he had access to case files, my statement, grand jury, trial transcripts, crime scene photos. I just filled him in on the rest. So, he knew how I handled trauma."

"I still don't like the guy, Liv."

"I didn't ask you to, Elliot," she responded darkly. "Not long after that situation, he and I almost lost our jobs because of a case involving sex trafficking underage girls, the Catholic church and Vice. Ed's cousin worked at the school some of the girls went to. He had a secret life with a guy and he was blackmailed to bring girls to these priests and cops and whoever else. In order to keep their secrets, the Monsignor got everyone – including Ed's cousin – to implicate him, saying he knew and wanted in on the action. If you want to know one thing about Captain Ed Tucker, it's that he absolutely hates cops who are rapists and units and fellow officers who try to cover it up. He would never and I already knew that. So, he was suspended and, since I was with him, I was reassigned temporarily. He wanted us to cool things down so I wouldn't get heat. I wouldn't let him. I trusted him. My squad ended up finally getting the evidence they needed to get the truth out and go after everyone. We both got our jobs back, but with his history, 1PP had been more than ready to believe those rumors and throw him under the bus, me included if necessary. I don't play well with others and I have no issue going up against powerful forces or those with NYPD connections or friends and use it to get away with rape and assault."

She took a long, deep breath. "I think that's why, a few months later, he decided to put in his transfer papers to HNT. Before he went to IAB, he worked at HNT. A situation involving his partner and ex-wife and an open secret he was left out of … ultimately led to IA. After all that time, he realized he was done. Plus, spending enough time with me, he learned how to trust people again. We had had another hard case; a corrections officer raping and stalking inmates, even when they got out. We took him down but he made bail as his wife was trying to get herself and her kids out of the house. I went there with Chief Dodds' eldest son, who was my outgoing sergeant. I got the kids out, but he had a gun and held his wife and my sergeant hostage. There was a struggle for the gun and it went off. Sergeant Dodds … he … He was rushed to the hospital and seemed fine at first, but …" Liv wiped away tears. "I felt guilt that it should've been me, we should've checked for a drop weapon. My squad tried, my therapist, Ed … they tried to get me to stop feeling that because it wasn't fault. But, it still affected me. So, between that, the funeral, when we almost lost our jobs, and my hostage situation, Ed up and asked me to go to Paris. He wanted us, the three of us, to get away for a while. Like I told you at the beginning, I needed it. A week-and-a-half in one of the most beautiful places in Europe – no offense to your Italy – with Ed Tucker and a three-year-old." She laughed. "It was a dream come true."

Despite his animosity toward the guy, he couldn't help but feel some sort of happiness for his former partner that she did have someone who did love her and care about her. Though, he did wonder, if the two seemed to love each other so much, why wasn't she with him anymore?

"Part of who I am now is because of him. I mean, it was Cragen who wanted me to be Sergeant when Munch retired. And, I was fine being a Sergeant and in command. But, Ed stopped by and said that he was up there at 1PP and, despite our success rate, they wanted someone of higher rank commanding SVU, not a Sergeant. So, he told him I was going to take the Lieutenant's exam. Then he informs me of that." She laughed before sobering up. "You know, I was fine with therapy after Lewis. It helped and Brian helped and my squad … but after the trial and when Brian started at IAB and wasn't home and then I was in charge after Cragen left, I had a hard time dealing with everything. So, some nights, if I couldn't sleep or had a nightmare, I ended up on the couch, with a glass of wine … or two … or three. Until I either past out from the wine or exhaustion. I didn't tell Brian or my therapist. I just dealt with it. It continued well into my relationship with Ed. I drank because of trauma, or stress, or to celebrate a win in a case or when we got our jobs back. I kept telling myself it wasn't like my mother because she drank way more and was always drunk, to the point where she could function while under the influence. I didn't drink the way she did, so I didn't consider it the same thing. Still don't. But, Ed noticed. He didn't want to say anything at first because he knew how stubborn I was and combative. He finally brought it up in Paris. I think it was because it was the one place I couldn't run from him and distance myself as easily. A lot of his family members have been addicts; both alcohol and cigarettes. His mother and father both smoked several packs a day. He was surrounded by that everyday growing up. He never wanted to take up smoking, but it happened. The same way I used alcohol to deal with trauma and stress. He said we were children of addicts and, despite our distaste for such things, we learned how to cope by watching our parents. That's what he told me. After processing that, we both decided to figure out new ways of dealing with things. Because of his health and Noah's prior respiratory issues, he didn't want to have that cigarette smoke around anymore. And, I went back to drinking tea and doing things that kept my focus elsewhere instead of letting trauma or stress get to me. That isn't to say I don't drink anymore. It's just when trying to cope with things."

"Can I speak without getting yelled at?" he asked.

She looked at him for a moment before nodding.

"Why isn't he here now? When I came over that night, you know, drugged, he wasn't there, was he? And, at Fin's reception … You two sound like you were genuinely good for each other, so what happened?"

Liv paused and got a haunted look in her eye before the tears emerged. "I ruined it, Elliot." The sound of her voice broke his heart. "We came back and everything was fine. Then, there was still the guilt over Sergeant Dodds, and his father was still grieving and pissed, and I wanted to protect my squad. I let my insecurities get the better of me and got overwhelmed. When he told me he wanted to retire, I did what I usually do in relationships. I start to back away. I felt that I couldn't give up my job, I couldn't give up my son, and maybe it was easier to give him up." She sniffled. "It wasn't. And, that was the last time I actually saw him until last January. He finally retired and he had eloped. He married this woman he'd been seeing because he wanted to her and her boys to receive his benefits."

Elliot cocked his head, confused.

"He retired for the pension. He invited me to make peace with things," she continued.

"Liv?"

"Before we got together, doctors had found stuff in his lungs. They treated it, but … in the time we were apart, it came back and moved to his brain." The tears were free flowing. "After we last talked, I wanted to see him again, so I could make peace with some things. I was going to call him when Warner called me. When Simon died, she called me because I was the only family she had contact on. But, she called me this time because she knew about our history and wanted to be the one to tell me. He had waited for his wife and the boys to be out of the house. He left a note about not wanting to be a burden and have the people in his life take care of him or watch him deteriorate. He wanted to have the memories of the people he loved with him. A neighbor called it in when he heard the shot."

"Why would he kill himself?" Elliot asked. "I get being sick, but I never pegged Tucker as a guy who would take his own life like that. I still hate the guy, but damn. I mean, he writes a note about not wanting to be a burden and shit, but his wife and the kids leave the house, only to get a call or come home to find cops there like that. There are other ways, go to a hospital or something. Just seems like a shit move to do to someone. Up and leaving people like that."

Liv had been wiping her eyes as he spoke. Then, she just froze and the fire returned to her entire being. It set her off.

"Wow," she commented in a cold whisper. "Wow, okay. You, of all people? You got balls saying that to me." He glared at her. "'Up and leaving people like that'? Really?" She wanted to slap him again, but moved to walk around to the back of the chair, creating more distance between them. "Okay. You want to know a shit move, Elliot? You up and leaving me without a word or a goodbye. Nothing. You want to know a shit move? You showing up and acting like nothing's changed. Here's another one, giving me a letter and blaming your dead wife. How about tell me you hope I found someone who made me happy and then saying that, in a parallel universe or whatever, it'll always be us? That's a shit move! I don't need you to give me some sort of permission to be happy with someone. I was! Your opinions of my life haven't factored into my decisions in a long time."

"I wasn't say-"

"Shut up!" she yelled. "Just shut up!"

He froze. This wasn't her implementing her ground rules again.

Something had snapped inside her. "You don't get to do this, Elliot! You don't get to show up again and … I don't care what universe we're in or whatever fantasy land you're in, it'll never be us!"

He watched her eyes sort of glaze over.

"You did this! Do you get that?! You don't get to come into my life and tell me 'hey, I hope you were happy but there's a thing between us and it was toxic but it'll always be you and I'! You don't get to pass judgments on my relationships, no matter who they are! I don't have to justify anything to you!" Olivia took hold of the metal chair had been sitting in before and hurled it sideways. Her jacket flung off and landed on the ground, her keys flying out of the pocket. Her whole body was practically vibrating with all the anger and resentment she had been feeling … possibly for more than ten years.

Elliot dared not move and watched her come undone.

"You left me! We were fine! YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO LEAVE ME! YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE WITH HER!"

His brow furrowed, trying to figure out what she meant by that.

"IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ME!" Tears sprang to her eyes again and she was gasping for air as she continued to scream. "YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO GO AWAY! YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO DIE!" YOU weren't –"

"Shit!" He muttered quietly. It wasn't just about him anymore. And, he realized while watching her whole body shake that she was having trouble breathing. He quickly stood up and moved to her and directed her to his chair and sat her down with her head near her knees. He knelt in front of her while holding onto her arms. "Breathe, Olivia! Take a breath, slowly!"

Olivia's thought her lungs were on fire as she listened to him help her breathe again. She focused on that to calm her down. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she realized she had done the one thing she hadn't wanted to do; the thing she told Amanda about. She didn't want those conflated feelings to make themselves known. She had hoped therapy and a conversation with Elliot would fix that and help her separate the two. She was wrong.

"Okay, that's it. Keep breathing, it's okay."

He stood up, hoping she was okay, and he righted her chair and her jacket and the keys and he put the chair within a couple feet of her and sat down.

"You okay now?"

Liv lifted her head to look at him. Her eyes still held unshed tears, her cheeks and her makeup were a mess and she was still taking deep breaths, but she nodded at him.

"Sorry," she finally said quietly. "I didn't mean for that to happen."

"You've been holding that it for a while, haven't you?" he inquired, but she didn't respond. "I know this might sound hypocritical but, can I ask, have you taken the time to grieve him?"

"I did," she finally replied. "I, uh, kind of lost it at first. I … ended up on the roof of our precinct; I needed air. It felt like something had been ripped out of me. Simon's death hurt, too, but this was something else. I don't even know how long I was up there, all I remember is that I started to feel the cold air again and wanting to be inside. After that, I tried to focus on my job and Noah. I mean, I didn't know if I should tell him. If he even remembered Ed outside of the Paris trip. Noah was barely four when we broke up. So, Noah's at school while I'm at work and the rest of the time it's just us; it was hard to take the time to deal with it on my own, in private. At the funeral, I kind of just sat there, numb."

"Understandable," he stated.

"I'm sorry about that, yelling at you. I knew that would happen and I didn't want it to. It wasn't about you."

"You said I wasn't supposed to die," Elliot said and shrugged. "So, I kind of figured it wasn't just about me."

Liv chuckled softly and pushed some hair out of her face. "Since you came back, I've been thinking about him, too. All of the feelings about you and how you left and some of our history and my feelings about him and how we broke up and how he died … I tried not to, but there were some similarities between the two of you. Every time you wanted to talk, I kept thinking about him, and the two of you became one and the same."

"Really?"

"I can differentiate between you two, I'm not losing my mind, but those feelings got mixed together. I didn't want us to talk because I didn't want to confront those feelings. According to my therapist, it's what I do. I bottle things up and let it eat away at me until I distance myself from someone – Kurt Moss, Brian, Ed, you. Apparently, I've been doing it my whole life to protect myself from getting hurt."

"And, you believe him?"

"Yes," she answered. "Because he's right. I've been doing it since I was little and had to deal with my mother when she was drunk and angry."

"So, this therapy thing really works for you?"

She nodded. "Yeah, it has helped a lot. We've dealt with my past and current traumas and the PTSD and the aftereffects. We've discussed my childhood and my life, my relationships, raising Noah, my job, everything. Though, I haven't really been consistent in the last several years. Kind of skipped sessions and then stopped going not long after I ended things with Ed." She sighed. "That was a mistake. If I'd been more consistent and more open, maybe things would've been different."

"You said, before, that between time without me, being in command, and therapy, you saw things differently than you did when we were partners. You discussed that with him?"

"Yes. We clearly never covered the scenario of how I'd handle things if you came back into my life, and," Liv indicated the two of them sitting there in a warehouse, "behold the result. But, we talked about our partnership and the things I let slide with you, and the things Cragen let slide with both of us."

"Such as?"

"I defended you, easily, when you stepped over a line and got a little rough or intimidating with a suspect or a witness," she explained. "I mean, I did call you out on occasion, but I defended you when there were times I probably shouldn't have. And, we both had a tendency to … break the rules a little bit to get a suspect or information. Like I said before, you were right when you said we got in the way of what we needed to be. It applies here, too. In retrospect, I think Cragen should've reprimanded us more or had us rotate partners and trust new people more often. You'd still be my primary, but maybe we wouldn't have been quite as codependent as we were. After you left, I think one of the reasons it took time to trust my new partner was because we worked differently than you and I and that took some getting used to. There was no dependency, and we could easily push each other without overstepping a line, and we could call each other out. We'd defend each other when it was needed, but not to the point where we excused actions that were … problematic or against protocol or whatever."

"So, because of therapy and time, you've come to the conclusion that I'm toxic and problematic to you and the job?" Elliot asked, sitting up straight and glaring at her.

She noticed his defensive posture and mimicked it. "Elliot, the moment you came back, you pushed me into letting you into that interrogation room. You almost attacked that man. I almost had to physically remove you from the room. I never should've let you in there, or allowed you to push me into allowing you in there. That was my mistake. I know better, but you took advantage of me and our history; something you've done in the past to get your way. I used to allow it and I slipped. You know, I've had similar situations with both Nick and Rollins, and more recently, Detective Tamin. With Nick and Rollins, they knew me when I was a detective and their equal. I was tougher on them as C.O. because I needed to establish that I was in charge and not have them get away with things because I used to just like them. Tamin reminded me of myself when I first got to SVU. As her Captain, I treated her much in the same way that Cragen treated me early on. Be a little lenient at times, but with some tough love. It worked. Things change when you start seeing the world from a different perspective."

"People change," he commented quietly.

"Sometimes, for the better," she retorted.

"You didn't answer my question. Was I toxic to you and the job?"

"The truth, Elliot?" she inquired and he nodded. "At times, yes, you were. But you were a good cop, too, and a good friend when I needed one. And a good partner. Just because I regret some decisions I've made as your partner and can recognize toxic behavior – on both our parts – regarding our partnership and friendship, doesn't mean the whole was messed up. Far from it. But, despite my resentment of you walking away from me and the job, your departure may have been the best thing to happen to my life. As hard as it is to hear that, El, it's true. Severing that connection allowed me to grow."

"I don't buy that, that because I was around, you weren't allowed to live your own life. Despite feelings or whatever, you could've had a life," he told her.

"What part of codependency was not clear to you?" Liv responded. "I don't know when I started doing it, but I allowed that to happen. It wasn't just you. Having you leave, I was forced to recognize what it was and had to unlearn it to work with new people and open up."

"Okay, fine," he answered, conceding on that front. They'd already covered that a few times. "But, you did get what you wanted, in the end, right? You have a life and a son."

"Like I said earlier, I didn't get everything I wanted," she said softly.

He knew what she meant. "Tucker?" Liv nodded. "When you sort of lost it before, you said I wasn't supposed to leave, that was directed at me, right?" She nodded again. "Then you said I wasn't supposed to be with her. Was that directed at me or him?"

"Him."

"It was supposed to be you?"

She ran through the conversation and what she had yelled. "Him. Along, with the rest of it, about him going away and dying." She let out a shaky breath. "I know it sounds immature, but I hated that, in the end, he chose to marry her instead of coming to me. Then, at the funeral, I felt anger and jealousy at his wife, that everyone was consoling her. I hate that I felt that way, but … I was just numb and shattered."

"I think that's one of those steps in grieving someone," Elliot explained. "Being angry at people for nonsense reasons. You don't know how to accept that someone is gone and you're just reacting … or, in my case, you go a little crazy and go down a rabbit hole."

Liv, unexpectedly, let out a loud laugh that echoed through the vast space. "I could've … if I didn't have a kid at home and a squad to run. And, then, on top of that, a pandemic shutdown to navigate as Captain and a single mother. I'm surprised that I never went nuts."

"You really loved him, huh?"

She stopped smiling and the tears came back and she nodded. "So much. Like I said, I never expected it, but I fell in love with him. I still am in love with him. I can – and have – feelings for other people, but a part of me will always belong to him. When I said that it felt like something was ripped out of me when Warner told me, that's the truth. A part of my heart or soul or whatever will always belong to him and nothing and no one can replace that. He was the love of my life."

"I get it," Elliot said. "I mean, I still can't wrap my head around the two of you, given everything, but I get what you're feeling; that pain that the person you loved was taken from this earth in a violent and unexpected way. I don't know if it'll ever go away."

"Well, since Ed's been gone longer than Kathy, let me tell that, so far, no. I still feel that pain. It sucks," he stated.

"I'm sorry if my being around you makes you think of Tucker and that pain."

"Don't," she told him. "That was just me and my head. We still work together. It's not as though I see you and automatically think of him; it's just about past feelings getting all mixed up."

"Not for nothing, but I also kind of agree with you about my leaving the NYPD being some sort of good thing. It was for me, too. Kathy and I had the time to reconnect and remember how much we mattered to each other. I learned not to take her and the kids for granted ever again. It was nice. I became more involved in their lives, I coached Eli's Little League team for a while there," Elliot smiled as he explained part of his life within the last ten years. "It was amazing to have that. But, when he talked about my time at SVU, you came up. It was that thing we just never wanted to acknowledge. So, a friend suggested we open up about it. That's why the letter happened. It was never supposed to be given to you, at all. Kathy and I just let the truth go out there, into the world, so there were no secrets between us. It was cathartic, I guess. When I was going through things, after she was gone, I found it and read it. I added that last part in there. It was never meant to be delivered to you but, as you said, I wasn't in my right mind. It was the truth, but I apologize that I inadvertently messed with your head."

Liv listened to him to him explain the reasoning behind the letter. He had just given it to her at the park without a word, and he talked out when he was drugged, but he had never explained why the letter came to be in the first place. She had been under the assumption that he made Kathy write it with the intention it was to be sent; not as some sort of couples' therapy exercise.

"Do you believe that, though, Elliot? That in whatever universe, parallel or otherwise, it'll always be you and I?" she asked. He just shrugged and she could tell part of him wanted to say yes, but couldn't bring himself to. So, she decided to answer it for him. She had had time to process it and come to terms with it, and her conversations with Amanda and Lindstrom got her to make some realizations about herself and her relationships and to him.

"If you had shown up within a year or so after you left and said that, I might have agreed with you. But, after the life I've had within the last decade, I don't anymore," she explained. "It's not just about Tucker. It's about everything – good and bad – that I've experienced. It's about my time in therapy and my personal growth and some revelations I've had about myself and you and other relationships. We've changed; I've changed. You and I … we can be friends and work on that and work together and be a part of each other's lives, but … not like that. We can't be the people we need to be and I'm not sorry about that. Too much has changed and you need to figure out your life and who you want to be a part of that, and so do I. If you can't handle that, if neither of us can handle that, we can't be in each other's lives. We can't fall into old patterns again. Do you understand that, Elliot?"

He was hesitant, but he nodded anyway. He wasn't sure what he wanted the outcome to be, regarding them, but he accepted what she had to say. In all honesty, he had missed her being a part of his life and, with Kathy gone, he just wanted a familiar person in his life to make things feel like they used to. He accepted the truth that he was now a part of her world rather than she was a part of his, and he wanted to be a part of it in whatever capacity Olivia allowed.

Elliot reached a hand out to her – a symbol of some sort of truce between them, and a promise. Olivia reached her hand out and gripped his arm. In turn, he gripped hers. They stayed like that for nearly a minute, just letting the entire moment sink in.

Then, in unison, they let go and stood up. Elliot handed her her jacket back and he put the chairs back where they came from. All without a word.

As the pair headed toward the doors, Elliot spoke. "So, was there more to talk about, anything else you wanted to share?"

Liv ran through her thoughts, trying to see if she covered everything. She did, except one major life event. But, there wasn't time now to have the entirety of that conversation, so she decided to keep it short. "Yeah. Let me tell you about the time Noah was kidnapped by his own grandmother."

Elliot stopped dead in his tracks. "Wait, what?"

She turned to face him. "Long story short: Ellie said she grew up in foster care; she didn't. Her mother found out a few years back and tried to take Noah from me. Then, she tried to gain my trust into letting her have some time with Noah alone. I did, unfortunately, and she used that to orchestrate a kidnapping. He doesn't even know. He met with someone he'd already met and then grandma got him to take him up to a cabin. She told him I'd join them eventually." Liv signaled for them to continue walking back toward the doors. "I went rogue to get my kid back and his grandmother went to jail. He didn't see us fight so he doesn't know exactly what happened. They've talked a few times since then, via Skype or FaceTime, but I always have to be there, because I still don't trust her."

The pair got to the doors and Liv unlocked and opened them and exited the building. She turned and locked the doors back up before they continued toward the vehicles.

"You going to say anything?"

Elliot didn't respond until they reached the passenger side of her vehicle. "I'm just … you've lived, like, several lifetimes in ten years, haven't you?" He question was both serious and amused.

Liv laughed. "Tell me about it!" She unlocked the door and retrieved his phone from her glove compartment and handed it to him.

He opened it up and saw several messages from his sergeant. "Bell's pretty pissed right now."

"Tell her I took you hostage," she replied.

"Really?"

"You have a red mark on your face from when I smacked you," she informed him. "She might buy it." Elliot shrugged and stuck his phone in his pocket and stood there. "So … we done?"

"Are we done?"

"I think I covered almost everything I could think of, so …"

The pair moved to hug each other and stayed like that until a vibration and a notification sound from his pocket interrupted them and they separated.

"Yeah, I gotta go." He started walking back to his car. Liv shut the passenger door and moved to the driver's side. The two waved at each and Elliot got into his vehicle. Liv moved into hers and retrieved her phone. Two messages from Chief McGrath and a few from Fin. She called him as she started her SUV.

"Hey, sorry … Yeah, I saw. Just give me a half-hour to an hour to get there, depending on traffic. Okay?" She ended the call and started to drive after Elliot had passed her on his way to the exit.

She still felt a little shaky and wondered if she'd have nightmares from talking in depth about Lewis and everything. But, she felt a little liberated. She might have blown up at him in the way she had not wanted to, but things were in the open between them, at least for her. It felt like several weights had been lifted; weights she'd been carrying for so long. The truth was out there and it was cathartic and they had come to a truce on their friendship and everything else.

Olivia felt hopeful, now, about her future and theirs.