I really have zero ideas what happened. I'm so sorry. I wish I could have fixed it sooner! Thank you all for reaching out and letting me know it wasn't working! I tried my hardest all night to figure it out! Please enjoy the chapter!
Chapter 13 – Change
Monday, April 1st, 2019
Gabi's POV
"Have you talked with your parents yet?" my eyes leveled with my therapist, Regina, as she asked me a question, I was hoping she wasn't going to ask. I bit my lip and I shook my head, "No. Not yet. I want too but I am scared that they aren't going to understand. They are going to want me to grieve and be sad with them for as long as they." I told her and Regina nodded as if my fear was valid and it was. Regina and I worked really well together in therapy. She never rushed me to do things I wasn't ready for and she listened.
The first time, I cried for the entire session. I sobbed for my sisters. I sobbed for the kids. I sobbed for myself. I cried so much I wasn't sure if Regina could actually understand me at all. She was so patient and kind though that day. Since then, I have come to her office two to three times a week and we just work through what's going on in my mind. We haven't touched the Troy topic quite yet but I knew that was coming too. I only told her that I was in a really serious relationship but having to take a step back because of the overwhelming grief.
"I understand, but I think you'll be surprised by your parent's reaction. They aren't unreasonable people. They are just sad that two of their daughters have disappeared from their life. I can only assume they want the absolute best for you so that you remain in their lives. They need you and if that means you need to find a bit more happiness than you already have…then that's what you need. They shouldn't stop your progress with grief." I exhaled because it made sense.
"I'll try to talk to them before our session on Wednesday," I confirmed with her because if I made a date in my head it was easier to force myself to do it. To open up to them. I breathed in and she set her pen down as she glanced at me. "Can we talk a little about the relationship that you were in before you started seeing me?" I chewed on my lip but a small smile erupted on my lips. "Troy," I told her and she smiled. "How did you meet Troy?"
"At a basketball game. I went to watch my nephew play because he was struggling without his mom. Every game was hard and he enjoyed it when I did show up to games. I made a commitment to go to as many games as possible to give him that support." Regina nodded as I continued, "Troy was sitting up top where I went to sit down and he started the conversation. We really hit it off and I learned he was a basketball coach for another school. He was scouting both teams as he would play them in the future. We exchanged phone numbers and everything happened rather quickly after that." I told her honestly. "I told him about my sisters' death on the second date because I knew that I was still a hot mess."
"That's good." Regina told me, "It's never good to hide your feelings." I smiled as I played with my work pants. "He made it easy. Troy just lets me talk when I need to talk. He allows me to be happy and allows me to be sad. He never expects anything more than I am willing to give. He's a saint if I am being completely honest. When I was with him it was easy to just forget about everything else. He was comfortable. We went on several dates, met families and friends, and I supported him at his basketball games. We fell in love fast and hard." Regina eyed me wondering where this story was going because it sounded great.
"Then we were just lying in bed one morning and he mentioned that he was having a simple knee surgery this summer." Regina straightened as she had received the whole story already. She knew what Zoey said to me and how those words would trigger all of my problems. "And you didn't like that." I shook my head. "I had a panic attack. I freaked out. Troy had no idea and I tried to leave but he wouldn't let me until I calmed down. Once I calmed down though…I told him everything. He was the first person I told every single detail of that day and he understood why it freaked me out. He understood why I never wanted him to keep promises that he couldn't keep but I knew…I knew that I needed to make a change within myself to give myself fully over to him. I am still grieving my sister and how do I know if I am ready for that magnitude of a relationship yet?"
Regina nodded her head, "That's fair, how did he react to that?" she asked as she was intently looking at me, "He was supportive. He told me that he will be there whenever I am ready. That he loves me and supports anything I need to do to make myself happy. I love him, too. I see myself marrying him and having a future with him. Troy Bolton is the man that I have been looking for and I don't want to regret anything in the future. I needed to make sure that I wasn't using him as a crutch to get along with my grief." Regina smiled, "So here you are?" I nodded. "Here I am."
"You did a good thing. Recognizing that you might have been using him for emotional support that you have to make sure you can do without him. It's good to lean on people but you can't be dependent on those people." She worked carefully while her green eyes looked at me again, "Have you talked to him since?" she questioned, I hesitated but shook my head no. "No. I have met up with his sister twice though. We went to lunch and shopping one day and got coffee another day."
"And why are you meeting with his sister?" she asked, "Because I think one of my biggest fears with getting into a relationship with Troy was accepting his sister into my life. She reminds me of a lot of my sisters and it was hard to see them interact and to talk to her. What if she disappears to, y'know?" Regina nodded her head, "So I told her that if it was okay with Troy, I still wanted to hang out with her and form a good relationship with her." She smiled, "I'm assuming that Troy was okay with it?" I smiled softly as I bit on my lip trying to stop tears. "He was happy that we were getting together. He honestly just wants the best for me and I fucking miss him."
Regina wrote something down, "It's okay to miss him." She said, "That's good. Yet, you are right. You need to make sure you are ready to take a step in the next direction without your sister. You've done a lot of the hard parts already. You continued to get up in the morning, you continue to work, you continue to try your hardest, but have you ever just let yourself lay in bed?" I swallowed hard and nodded, "On the 6th it'll be 7 months since she disappeared from my life and those are the hardest days. I don't want to get up. I don't want to do anything because it weighs on my mind that it's been that long without hearing her voice and that long since she hugged me." I gasped on a tiny sob and Regina handed me a tissue as I wiped my eyes.
"I miss her." I voiced as my chin wobbled, "So much. She was my big sister and my entire world. I wish she was here to meet Troy, to see her kids grow-up, but it was all stolen from her." Regina nodded, "Life isn't fair and I know you learned that the hard way. Not only did you lose one sister to death but another couldn't handle the grief and ran off. You lost two important people in a short window of time. It's hard Gabi and it's okay to struggle. It's okay to cry. It's okay."
She shut her notebook and that only meant my time was coming to an end. "I have your homework in mind for this week." She told me, "Besides going to talk to your parents, write a note to Beth and explain all of your feelings. Write them out to her. Tell her that you are in need of her and then seal it up and hide it. Let all of that anguish out. Next, I want you to talk to Lucy, Blaine, and James about spending a little less time with them. A weekly dinner is good, one on one time with Lucy every so often is great, but do not spend every night with them, don't tend to all of Lucy's nightmares, you need to move on with your life Gabi. Lucy is going to have to learn to not use you as a crutch as you were doing to Troy and the only way to do that is to step back. Let James handle it. Lucy will learn and she will get better."
I nodded because I knew I needed to do all of this to get back to my boyfriend. "Finally, call Troy. Talk to him. You don't have to say much but just talk to him. You can catch up and you can let him know you are making progress." I smiled faintly as that might be my favorite homework thus far. "What goals do you want to meet before you get back into a full relationship with Troy?" she asked me and I inhaled sharply as I shrugged.
"I'm not sure. I know I want to be able to not cry at the drop of a hat about knee surgery, I know I want to be able to smile when I am with him, I know I want to be able to interact with his family and not the second guess about losing all of them." Regina nodded, "You are making strides, Gabi. It's only been two weeks and I can see improvements. You will not have those doubts in the back of your head but it's learning to live with them and tell yourself that it's okay. That you will survive every single hurdle that is thrown in front of you." I bit on my lip and nodded, "Okay,"
"I think before you get back into a relationship with Troy, you need to make sure you wake up in the morning and are able to smile without him beside you. That you don't need to clutch to him for big things. That you can handle his surgery without having a complete panic attack. Yet, if this is the first surgery that you experience since the surgery it will be harder until it's over. We'll discuss more of this next time, too. Think of some more things you want to be able to do before you get back into a relationship with Troy." I nodded as I stood up and grabbed my purse.
"I'll see you, Wednesday?" I nodded and thanked her as I walked out the door. My chest and shoulders always felt lighter after I left her office. Jenna and I had a wine/juice and date night tonight. Yet, I think I was going to cancel and go talk to my parents. I needed to do it and then tomorrow I could tackle James. I was pushing myself to do this because I did miss Troy. I refrained from calling or texting him because I wanted to make sure I was strong enough but Regina must think I am.
Pulling out my cell phone, I called Jenna.
"Hey, babe,"
I smiled, "Hey, Jen,"
"How was therapy?" I sighed with relief as Jenna had been the most supportive person through all of this. "It was good. We talked a lot about Troy today and what I want to accomplish before I get back into a relationship with him."
"Oh, yeah? Any goals?"
"I'm not sure if any of them are goals per se. Most of them are just learning to handle my anxiety better, to not need Troy to always be there for me, I can't keep crying and disappearing at his basketball games. I have to be supportive there for him. He shouldn't have to worry about my next meltdown." Jenna laughed, "That's a good start. How do we accomplish that?" she questioned and I sighed, "I wish I knew the exact answer to that question."
"Gabs, I know, it's only been 2 weeks of therapy and no Troy but I honestly see so much of a change than I did four months ago." She acknowledged. "Troy did a big part of that change and I think he did wake you up that you haven't grieved your sister and that you needed to do that properly. I think having a new perspective in your life has been so good for you and for him to allow you this time? He's amazing, Gabi." I breathed as I blinked away tears because I had been emotional today. "You hold your shoulders higher; you laugh more, you smile more. It's all an amazing change." The tears dripped down my face as I inhaled sharply trying to get all of the tears to stop but I thought back to one of my first appointments with Regina.
"Crying is not a sign of weakness but of all those feelings needing an out. You can cry, Gabi. It's okay to cry. This is hard and sad."
I stopped trying to always stop the tears.
"I'm going to go talk to my parents tonight. Are you okay if I take a rain check on tonight?" Jenna grunted, "Sure," she teased and I smiled as I let out a tiny laugh, "I'm proud, Gabi." I squeezed my eyes shut and I bit on my lip. "Thanks, Jenna,"
"You know it, babe, how about Wednesday?" I smiled, "Yea, after therapy."
"Perfect. Love you,"
"Love you too."
I hung up as I drove to my parents' house and I saw the lights on in the kitchen. I pulled into the drive-way and I shut off my car as I sat there for a minute. My mind flickered to Troy as I wondered how he had been these past two weeks. He made me a promise that he would be there when I was ready and I knew that was a major test in our relationship right there. That promise, because I told him, to never make me a promise he couldn't keep.
I chewed on my lip as I wanted to call him but I also wanted to wait. I needed to wait. I wasn't quite sure I was ready yet. I breathed in deeply before I pushed open my car door and I walked to my parent's front door. I knocked gently before I twisted the handle and let myself in. "Hello?" my mom's voice rang out and she came around the corner. "Hi sweetie!" she said with a smile playing on her face. A year ago, that smile would have been huge and she would have bear-hugged me. I walked over this time and I grabbed my mom in a tight hug.
Those tears threatening again as I just held her tightly. My mom squeezed back and I felt her own tears hitting the back of my neck. "Gabi, sweetie, what's wrong?" she asked pulling back slightly to see me. Her eyes really looked at me as I swallowed on the lump in my throat. "I miss you," I said first and she let her face completely soften, "Oh sweetie, I'm right here." She soothed as she hugged me again. "Gina, who's here?" I heard my dad come around the corner.
"Ella? Is everything okay?" his concern rose rapidly and I moved away from my mom and I hugged my dad the same exact way. "Ella, what's wrong?" he almost was pleading with me to answer him and I shook my head, "I just miss you guys," I said honestly as I wiped my tears. I had informed both of them that I had started therapy and that Troy and I were taking a break from our relationship to let me figure my life out. They were both cautious in what I was doing but supportive.
I said while trying to wipe away my tears, "Can we all talk?" I questioned as I looked between the two of them. My mom nodded quickly and I breathed as she guided me to the kitchen where we all sat around the table. My mom handed me a wine glass full of my favorite wine and I gave her a supportive smile. They sat down together and I took a deep breath, "I have been seeing my therapist for two weeks now," I told them and I bit on my lip with the nerves creeping up. "It's been going really well and she's been helping me talk through all of my feelings and finding what I need to do to help me move forward."
"Sweetie, it's only been 7 months." My mom said and I bit down on my lip as I nodded in understanding that it hasn't been a long time but I had to. "It's consuming my life." I told them as the tears pooled again. "This mostly all started because Troy mentioned that he was having surgery this summer to fix his knee and I had a full-blown panic attack." I told them and my dad let his eyebrows dip with concern. "He promised me that nothing would happen but how can I trust promises like that when my sister made me the same promise and here, we are…seven months later, without her." I wiped my cheeks and I breathed.
"Zoey is never coming back and I have known this, I repeat it in my head, and I tell myself this but it doesn't stop the hurt, it doesn't stop the panic, and that isn't fair to a lot of people. It isn't fair to my work, it's not fair to my friends, and it's not fair to the man I love so much. He worries about me constantly that I am going to understand why Beth just up and left. That I am going to just disappear one day and I have to reassure him that I am okay. That I will be okay." I inhaled and nodded my head, "It's been hard talking about her. Telling the story to people. Learning to live without her." I clarified and I looked at the wall with a picture of all three of us girls.
I bit my lip and shook my head, "It's not just Zoey either, Beth leaving, I'm scared people are just going to start leaving me. I'm scared to get close to people. I have to learn to get past all of that and the first step is to acknowledge that Zoey is dead and that it's okay to continue going forward. I may never get over it but I will learn to live with it. If I don't make that change, I don't know where I will be in the next several months." I paused as I looked at each of my parents and I blinked away tears as I looked at him. "I just don't you guys to think that I didn't love Zoey or that I don't care because I do." My chin wobbled with the words and my dad quickly got up and he came to sit next to me. "Oh Ella, we know," he whispered as I let the sobs take care. "I love Zoey so much and I miss her so much every day. I miss her. I miss hugging her, laughing with her, telling jokes, making you guys mad. I miss it and just because I have to take a step forward doesn't mean that I care any less."
My dad just hugged me tightly as I couldn't speak with the sobs filling my chest. I felt my mom's arms wrap around me and she was crying too. It took a while for all of us to calm down enough for any of us to speak again. "Gabi, we will never question how much you love Zoey. That will never cross our minds but you have to take care of you. If anything were to happen to you?" my mom gripped me tightly and she made sure our eyes were connected, "Your dad and I wouldn't survive." I bit down hard on my lip, "You are our baby girl. You are the spunk, the smiles, and giggles that we prayed for. We always wanted three and we got you." My mom stroked my cheek as I felt my dad kiss the top of my head.
"I don't want you guys to hate me," I whispered and my mom shook her head, "We will never hate you." She whispered back and I swallowed on the lump in my throat, "Promise?" I asked her and she nodded, "Yes, Gabi, if it's time for you to take that step forward then it's time. We might not be quite ready yet but we support you." I bit my lip and nodded as I felt my dad squeeze me a little tighter. "You're our baby girl, Ella. You are here with us and I will absolutely never take that for granted." My dad spoke so quietly I would have missed it. I just turned around and buried myself in his arms. My tears leaking against his neck as he just held me.
"We're going to be okay, Ella. It's just going to take time." I nodded my head as I pulled back as I wiped away my tears. I took in a deep breath and cleared my throat, "I love you guys, so much, and I know we have all been through so much this year. I never imagined that I would be doing this, asking, to make sure it was okay to take a step forward. I never want to forget Zoey but I do want to smile more, laugh more, and just be happy again."
"You will. You have such a bright future ahead of you, sweet girl." I smiled at my mom and I took in a deep breath, "I actually have an idea to remember Zoey by…" I said, "I want to host a scholarship in her name and do fundraises in her name to help kids go to school to be a nurse like Zoey. A nursing scholarship for future nurses to go save people like Zoey. I was thinking we do a beach volleyball tournament; it was her favorite activity and we can get local schools involved."
My mom and dad shared a smile, "She would have loved that Gabi." I smiled as I bit on my lip, "Will you guys help me?" I questioned and they both nodded with a smile growing on their faces. "Absolutely, I'm assuming you can handle the marketing," my dad teased with a wink. I laughed, "I hope so."
Troy's POV
I nursed a glass of whiskey in front of me as a baseball game was playing on the TV. I missed her. I wanted to call her constantly and I wanted to be with her during this time. I knew she was probably doing a lot of crying and self-discovery right now. I squeezed the glass a little harder as it took so much out of me every single day to not be there for her. "Hey buddy," the stool next to me moved and Dylan slid in. He waved down the bartender and ordered another drink for me and a drink for himself.
"How ya doing?" he asked taking his first sip. I breathed, "I miss her,"
"I bet you do. She's going to come back to you." He told me and I tried to smile and nod but I didn't know that for sure. She could realize she didn't love me but only loves the comfort I provided. The sheer thought caused nausea to swirl in my belly. "Don't overthink it." He told me sternly, "She just needs time. I'm still impressed you listened to us." I rolled my eyes at him and he chuckled, "C'mon dude, relax, give her the time she needs to be better. You said she's still hanging out with your sister?" I nodded.
"She and Macken got coffee on Saturday. Silas is going in next week to do his shadowing underneath her and I just want to fucking call her." I took another drink and Dylan nodded, "It's good she's still seeing your family. Give her that." I nodded, "She said it was hard to accept Macken's invitation because she was scared to get close to her. To get close to Macken and then maybe lose her?" I shook my head, "I don't know how well I would do with that either but…I can't imagine that fear she is constantly living with."
Dylan sighed, "She's working it. That sounds like a big step to me that they hung out again."
"They are supposed to hang out again on Friday. She wanted to take both of them out to dinner and see if Silas had any more questions about her job. To just get to know them." I paused to think about it before I released a sigh, "She makes sure to tell Macken to run everything by me. That I am okay with it and all I want to ask is if I can come too. That's all I want. I want to come, too. I want to hold her hand and I want to be there."
"She's being open Troy; she doesn't want to cross boundaries but you just have to give her time."
"I'm texting her on Friday," I declared and he looked over at me as if I had lost my mind. "It'll be 7 months without her sister and I just have to know she's doing okay. She doesn't have to answer, she doesn't have to say anything but yes or whatever the fuck I ask but…I just need to know she's okay." I felt my chest ache not being able to be there for her come Friday. I know how hard those days are for her. Those were always the moments that I knew she was human. That she was sad.
"I think that's fair," Dylan agreed, "Just don't expect anything."
I nodded as I swirled my drink in a circle, "If this was basketball season, I feel like I would be doing better. I have nothing to distract me." I told him honestly and he nodded, "Or you could be so distracted by her that you wouldn't be able to focus on basketball." I shrugged as I finished my drink again. I sucked in a rush of air and I looked over at Dylan. "Wanna go play?"
He smirked, "Hell ya."
Gabi's POV
Tuesday, April 2nd, 2019
I hesitated outside of James' door and I finally knocked as I knew both of the kids were at school still. The door quickly swung open and James seemed surprised to see me on the other side. "Gabi, hi, I didn't know you were coming over." I gave a faint smile, "It was a game time decision." I told him truthfully and he laughed as he let me in. He seemed to have been doing better since the whole alcohol thing and finding his own counselor.
"What's up?" he asked as we walked into the kitchen. I leaned against the kitchen counter and I took a deep breath, "It's time for me to take a step back and just do my normal aunt duties." I told him honestly and quickly. He raised his eyebrows and his smile fell, "Gabi," I shook my head as I bit my lip, "Let me finish." I told him. "It's been 7 months, James. It's been hard and I know the kids are still adjusting. Especially Lucy, but I can't keep coming over in the middle of the night to rescue the situation. I can't do it for the next several months or years either. It's time for me. I have to take the next step forward or I am going to lose my mind." I told him honestly.
James nodded stiffly, "I still want to be their cool Aunt Gabi. I still want to take them out to dinner, I still want to go to everything, I want to come to hang out. I just…I can't be their emotional support human. I have to cry myself. I have to be sad myself and if I am always on call…I can't do it. I love them so much, James. I will always be there for Lucy and Blaine. I will always be that constant woman in their life if they need to talk to one. I just…it's time for me to move on and constantly reassuring Lucy in the middle of the night isn't fair to me or my life. I have a job, I have a boyfriend, I have so much going on. It's not that I don't care but she has to know that you are there too."
James looked at the floor and he didn't say anything for a moment, "How do I tell her that?"
"You don't have to. I will." I told him honestly, "I'll tell her that I am not able to come over as much anymore. That I have to do other things and that you are right here. That you love her. That you can comfort her because you can James. It's getting better. Blaine told me it's not as much anymore and I think this is a good step for all of us." James shook his head, "No, it's not. That's just another person leaving her!"
"I'm not leaving, James. I'm going back to the original role. I see them more now than I ever have before because I make time for them. Zoey's death showed me that it's not all about work but about my family too. I have to make more time. We can have weekly dinners, I can still take Lucy to do girly things, nothing is going to change except that I won't come over every night to tuck her in, I won't come over when she has nightmares. You have to do this, James. For me. For her. For Blaine. For Zoey."
James shook his head and I nodded, "James, please," I whispered, "Gabi, what the fuck am I supposed to say? That I am glad you know how to fucking move on? This house doesn't! We are stuck,"
"So, make a change!" I said with anger towards him, "Make a change James. These kids need it. You need it. A different house, something, do something to try and start over. You don't have to stop being sad but you need to make a move in the right direction." James breathed in and he shook his head, "You get to tell both of them." I just nodded, "Okay." I said, "I will."
~T ~
I picked up Blaine and Lucy and drove them to our favorite ice cream shop. "Aunt Gabs, is everything okay?" Blaine asked and I nodded, "Yes, everything is fine." I told him with a supportive smile. "Grandma said you and Troy aren't together…" he said and I gave a grim smile, "We are taking a break. I need to come to terms with some things, cope with some stuff before I can fully give myself to Troy." Blaine frowned, "Is this because of mom?" he questioned with a bit of anger rising in his voice.
I parked the car and I nodded, "Yes, I have to deal with my emotions following the death of my sister and your mom." Blaine quickly got out of the car as Lucy looked between the two of us. I smiled, "C'mon Lucy," I said with a smile and she got out as Blaine waited at the front of the car but he exploded before we could get inside. "She's always ruining everything anymore. First, she dies, then I struggle to even come up with thoughts, and then every time I'm on the court she's all I can think about, and now she's ruining your relationship with the best guy you have ever dated. I sometimes hate her for dying." Blaine expelled all of his anger out and I swallowed on the lump in my throat.
"Blaine," I said quietly and he shook his head as his chest rose and fall, "She's the one who left us and I have to be okay with that?" I let go of Lucy's hand and I picked up Blaine's, I squeezed it tightly and I shook my head as I looked at him. "No, you don't have to be okay with that but she never wanted to leave you. She never wanted to cause this mess. I can tell for a fact that if we were able to ask her, this wasn't her choice. She loved you and your sister so much, Blaine." He bit on his lip and I took a deep breath, "She's not ruining my relationship with Troy, I was. I recognized that I needed to deal with my grief before I could fully be with Troy." I told him. "That's my fault for not dealing with it in the beginning."
Lucy looked up at the two of us and I smiled, "C'mon, I promised ice cream." I took them both inside and we all ordered and sat down together in a booth towards the back. Lucy happily dug in as Blaine was a little slower. "I have every single intention of returning to my relationship with Troy. I just have to make some changes before I can." I told him honestly, "The first being that I have to move forward. I will always love your mom. I love her so much it hurts sometimes and I miss her so much it hurts but there has to be a point where I take a step forward instead of being idle. A lot of people in my life deserve for me to step forward." Blaine looked at me and so did Lucy as she took another bite.
"What does idle mean?" Lucy asked, "Standing still," I told her, "I'm standing still, I have been standing still since the moment I found out and it's time for me to change that. That means I just have to be Aunt Gabi." I said quietly to the both of them. "I will forever be there for both of you. I will answer your phone calls and if you need to talk to me about something, I will always, always be there. I can't keep constantly being there though. You have an amazing dad at home." I said looking at both of them. "He loves you kids so much and I know it's been hard since your mom died but it's time to rely on him a little bit more and less on me."
"Aunt Gabi…" Blaine started but he stopped and he took a deep breath, "Can we still do weekly dinner?" I nodded, "Yes, of course, we are going to include Grandma and Grandpa, too." I said with a smile, "They want to be there for you guys more too. We can have one on one time too." I told both of them and Lucy smiled, "I like going to get our nails done." I smiled, "I love it, too. We can still do all of that and I will come to all of your games, Blaine." He smiled and I nodded, "I'm still going to do all of my aunt duties but I can't come in the middle of the night anymore, Luc." She frowned and I reached over to squeeze her hand.
"You have such an amazing daddy who wants to be there for you. When you have a bad dream, he'll be there. He knows how much you miss your mommy and it's okay to miss your mommy." I told her with a gentle voice. "You remind me of mommy," Lucy said with a pout forming and I nodded, "I know," I gasped as the tears were forming. "I know I do and I know that brings you comfort but I will never be your mommy, Lucy. I am Aunt Gabi and I am going to do everything your mommy would have wanted me to do."
"I'll be there, too Lucy." Blaine squeezed her shoulder gently and Lucy gave a little smile, "I wish I could talk to mommy," Lucy said and I felt the tears form again and a few dripped down my cheeks as I looked at her, "I wish I could, too." I paused as I took a deep breath as I wiped tears away. I typically, don't cry in front of the kids but this time, this time I allowed it. "Lucy, if you could say one more thing to your mommy…what would it be?" I asked her and she gave a tiny smile, "That I love her a whole lot." I let out a tiny cry at that as I closed my eyes. Blaine squeezed my shoulder and I smiled at him with comfort.
"She knows that sweet girl, she knows that."
I sat down at the kitchen counter and I looked at the piece of paper in front of me. I wrote Beth the letter and I wish I could send it to her but I had no clue where it would go. I took a deep breath as I could call her and leave a voice mail. It wasn't very long and it deserved to be said. There was nothing nasty about it but it was all true. I glanced at my phone and I quickly picked it up and dialed her number.
It rang until it reached her voicemail. Her voice echoed through and I felt the tears start with just her voice. Once the beep happened, I cleared my throat, "Hey Beth…I started seeing a counselor and we talked about you the other day. We talked about how you grieved and how I grieved. How different it was but that's not surprising as we were already pretty different from each other." I stopped as I smiled, "But she wanted me to write you a letter and I did. I wish I could send it to you but since I don't know where you are…I'm going to read it to you." I took in a deep breath as I started.
"Beth, you were the mediator between Zoey and me. You constantly were always breaking up our fights and making us realize that we were stronger together than on our own. I remember you telling us that and we formed a pretty strong bond between the three of us. Yet, the moment one of us left the whole bond unraveled. Now, none of us are together and I think Zoey would be sad about that. I think Zoey would be disappointed." I paused as I choked back tears. "I have no right to tell you how to grieve and being away from all of us is truly what you need…then I understand. I do. I just wish I knew you were okay. I wish I knew that you were listening to how many people care about you and love you. I have struggled with so much. Not only Zoey's death but the disappearance of you…I think that one was almost harder because I wanted somebody else to lean on, to understand how it feels to lose a third of your bond, and to just be the one to watch me cry. I needed that and you weren't here for that. Instead of just losing a 1/3 I lost 2/3 of my bond and I feel so lost without you but I know I have to move forward. You'll call when you're ready and you'll tell me all about the adventures you've been on but I just need to tell you Beth…that nobody is going to be mad at you if you return or call. We're going to be grateful to get a 1/3 back. We're going to be happy. We're going to cry tears of joy because we'll have our middle back. Our mediator. There will be no anger, only hugs. Only tears of joy."
I took in a deep breath of air as I knew I was running out of time and I closed my eyes, "I love you, Beth. I love you. No matter what. Do not forget that."
The second beep rang and I knew I ran out of time. I hung up the phone as the tears rolled down my face. I did miss Beth and I knew I was doing the right thing because I had to move on from that, too. She'll come back when she's ready and nobody can force her to be ready before she is ready. It'll take time for all of us but I know she'll call, she'll come back, or she'll let us know she's safe. Just one of those signs and I think we will all heal a little bit more.
Wednesday, April 3rd, 2019
I sat in front of Regina and she was beaming at me. "Gabi, in two days, you've talked to your parents, talked to James, Blaine, and Lucy, and you've written your letter to Beth. I'm impressed." She said with a beaming smile and I gave a faint one back, "It was hard, it was emotional, and I'm exhausted." I told her honestly and she nodded, "I bet. That's a lot." I smiled as I bit on my lip, "I actually called Beth and I read her my letter. I hope she listens to it. I want her to know that her family is still here. That nobody will be angry with her if she wants to return. I sometimes wonder if that prevents her from coming back."
Regina shrugged, "It could. You just have to give her time." I smiled and nodded, "I know." Regina sat up a little straighter as she looked at her notes, "Did you call Troy?" I shook my head no and she nodded, "Why not?" I took in a deep breath, "I'm not sure." I spoke up while I played with my sweatshirt hem. "I want to. I really want too but I am making so much progress right now and I feel like the moment I hear his voice I will just want him back. I mean, I do want him back, but I think I am almost there." I told her honestly. "I know it's been a short amount of time but I've done more crying these past two and half weeks than I have in months."
Regina raised an eyebrow and I continued forward, "I let the kids see me cry for the first time since the hospital room. I approached my parents about setting up a scholarship for Zoey and doing a beach volleyball tournament to help fundraise it." She smiled and nodded, "That does sound like progress. How are you going to handle Friday?" she asked me and I let out a shaky breath as tears welled in my eyes just thinking about it.
"I want to lay in bed all day, honestly," I said, "I want to call Troy and do something with him."
"Is that a reason you don't want to talk to Troy? That you think you'll need him to get through Friday?" I shrugged my shoulder gently, "I don't know. Maybe. He's been with me since the 3-month mark. We actually met on that day." I told her and she raised an eyebrow at that news. "I told Troy at one point when I realized we met on the same day as her death that she picked him out for me. That she purposely made sure I went to that game and sat right there. It was all her." Regina smiled, "It could have been. Does that give you a small glimpse of hope that she is okay with you moving on?" I nodded. "I think so. She knew I wasn't in a good relationship when she died and she was probably really pushing for something different for me and Troy is so different than Brad."
Regina chuckled, "You got that right." I smiled as I clasped my hand together. "Is needing Troy on Friday such a bad thing?" I asked her and Regina leaned forward as she thought about it for a minute. "I don't think so." She told me as she tried to collect all of her thoughts. "It is okay to lean on people. That is a hard day, a harder day than normal, and if one person is able to bring you happiness on that day…why would we run from it? I think Troy is always going to bring you happiness but you are right to make sure you have a solid understanding of how you are truly feeling. You need to make sure that your feelings for Troy aren't directly related to him being there for you."
I smiled softly, "I love him," I told her. "This only confirms how much I love him for him. I love him for giving me this time. I love him for constantly putting me first. I love him for watching movies with me on days where I don't have a lot in me. I love him for how messy he gets during basketball season and how much he tugs on his hair when he's stressed." Regina smiled as I closed my eyes, "I love him for the man he is. I think a part of him is the type of person who cares for people. He won't let me sink to the bottom and maybe I need a little something like that. He pushes me to be a better person. This is making me a better person."
Regina shut her book gently, "Gabi, I think you have known all along you don't love Troy because of him being there for you on the bad days. You love Troy for the true person he is and you've only been together for what…four months? That's a short amount of time and you made it through those first three months without him. You did that. You made a big decision to make sure you were mentally healthy. You did that. You've talked to your parents, your niece and nephew, your friends. You've been open. You did that. He never asked you to do any of this. He never told you to get your shit together. You are the one who is opening your eyes and seeing what you truly need in your life."
I wiped away tears and she smiled, "You've made a big step in your life. In just 8 visits to me, I have seen such a rapid change in a person. Sometimes, it's somebody in our lives that we want to improve for and your person is Troy."
She leaned back and smiled as she crossed her legs, "I think if you want, we can start meeting once a week. We'll stick to Friday because I do know that's a hard day for you and I know you still have a long way to go but we've tackled a lot of the big things. You are open to trying. Opening yourself up to the scary world again. That's a big step that can take people such a long time to understand." I bit on my lip and I looked down. "I'm scared that I'll go back to how I was before if I go back to Troy."
Regina shook her head, "I don't think you will. I think you're the same person, with a better understanding of how to handle your emotions. Yes, we need to work on the anxiety surrounding surgeries, promises, and all of those things. Yes, we need to work on sorting through emotions and putting yourself first a little more often. Yes, we need to do a lot of other things but you've done everything I have asked of you. You've talked to Jenna, you've talked to your parents, you've talked to James and all of that was scary to you but you did it. For him."
I swallowed on the lump and she smiled, "You can do it, Gabi. If you aren't ready for a few more weeks, that's okay too. I don't think you have anything to be scared of with reintroducing Troy into your life again. Start small. Just dates. Don't sleepover at his house, don't take big steps. Just date and as you feel more comfortable, do more. He'll understand. It sounds like he is very much in love with you as you are him. I don't think there is anything to be scared of."
I took in a deep breath and I smiled, "Thank you, Regina." She smiled, "Don't thank me yet, we still have all that work to do." She winked and I smiled as I wiped away the tears. "It's okay to love again, Gabi. Your sister is happy for you. She would want you to do this." I nodded because she's right. Zoey would want me to be with him. To be happy with him and have zero regrets. "I'll try." I told her with a smile and Regina nodded, "I think that'll be perfect."
Saturday, April 6th, 2019 – 7 months
I closed my eyes tightly because after a night of zero sleep. I wasn't sure I could get out of bed. I did my pep talk all day yesterday that I was going to do okay today. I was going to have dinner with my entire family as I requested. I told them I would cook dinner at my parents' house and we were going to have a family night. We were going to play games and just be a family. We might tell stories of Zoey and plan our fundraiser and start our scholarship.
I took yesterday off work though because I needed to give myself yesterday to breathe and just let myself have a day. People were going to bother me about today. I made a list before I went to bed that I needed to get ready, call and check-in with Regina as she knew today was a hard day, and then go to the store before going to my parents early and spending time with them. I would make dinner and today would be okay. Yet, I felt stuck in this bed. The weight slowly coming back but I practiced the breathing that Regina had taught me for moments like this.
My phone buzzed next to me and I reached over expecting it to be Jenna asking how I was this morning. I talked to her for a long-time last night on how to handle today. She was encouraging of trying a new activity or just having a chill day. She even talked me into joining her for Yoga tomorrow morning and I was pretty excited. I wanted to try something new. I breathed in as I turned my phone on and I gasped at the name on my screen.
He hadn't once tried to contact me since I left his house that day and I respected him so much more for that. Yet, this caused tears to well in my eyes.
Troy: Brie, I miss you. A ton and I have been making sure to give you my distance because I want this for you, too. I want you to be happy and to find what you need in this world. I respect you so much for this tough journey. I don't expect any response to this but today is the 6th and I know…I know how hard this day is for you. I just want you to know that I am thinking about you constantly, that I am here for you if you need me but I know you won't need me today. You're trying and I love you so much for that. Just know, that I will never see you differently for needing a person, Gabs. You don't have to be completely independent. If you just need someone to listen, I'm here. I love you; I hope you are doing okay, and that you're finding happiness in this world. I'll talk to you as soon as you're ready.
Tears flowed down my cheeks as I knew how much he cared and I knew how much he probably wanted to be here today. I knew I would most likely always need extra support on this day but he was right. Today, I was going to be with my family and be okay by myself. I knew it was okay to be with him. Just like it's okay to be with my family but I needed a little bit more time before I completely brought him back into my life. I wanted to nail down my new routine and then imbed him into it…permanently.
But I owed him a text back.
Gabi: T…I love you, too. Please, wait for me a little bit longer. I want to give the best version of myself to you. Just know that I am doing better, I am making those big strides, and I cannot wait to see you, kiss you, and love on you again. I know I have you for constant support and the fact that you checked in today mean's the absolute world to me. I love you, T. So much.
I sent the message and I breathed a sigh of relief. I can do this. He gave me so much more strength and I would be forever grateful for that.
Woof. What a challenge to get this chapter up. I thank all of you for being patient and I really hope this never ever happens again. Ha! I really think that this was an FF issue. I tried to upload it about 1500 different ways and times and nothing worked. Crossing fingers it works this time!
Please REVIEW! I wanna know what you think!
Next update: November 15th
