Chapter 5: "But not without affection"

Katie sat up the whole night holding Jessie, who would occasionally wake up from a nightmare, but Katie was able to get her back to sleep. What were they going to do? Jessie was on the edge already, wasn't this just going to push it a bit? Katie wondered. As the sun came up Jessie began to stir in Katies arms, she was beginning to wake up.

"Hi honey." Katie said in a soothing voice.

Jessie didn't say anything, she just laid there with her head on Katies chest

"Are you hungry? I can go downstairs and make breakfast." Katie suggested, still in a hushed tone. Luckily for her her parents were on business trips.

Jessie nodded, as Katie left her alone on the bed and went downstairs to find food. As soon as Katie was out of the room Jessie frantically began to search for something, anything sharp.

Katie stepped outside on her back porch and took a deep breath. What was she going to do with Jessie? Could she really help her? She was so screwed up herself was she really able you save someone else? She stared up at the sky as she took a deep drawl of her cigarette and tossed it out, thinking about how it was really time for her to quit.

Katie walked back up to the room with two bananas.

"This good?"

"Yeah." Jessie said as Katie sat next to her. "Did you smoke?" She asked

"Did you cut?" Katie asked

There was an awkward silence between the two of them. Away from one another they had each given into their vices.

"Do you want to talk about your dad and Lily?" Katie asked genuinely

"No."

There was another silence.

"So when did you start smoking?" Jessie asked trying to change the subject.

"Hey, if this is a share session it has to be mutual." Katie informed her, hoping to get to the root of where Jessie went wrong.

Jessie thought for a moment.

"Alright then." Jessie said nodding

"Well then, I guess the first time I did it I was… 10 I think."

Jessies eyes widened in surprise.

"Yeah." Katie said nodding. "My parents were always gone, so we had this babysitter who was the biggest chain smoker. She left cartons around the house, … she didn't notice if one was ever missing."

"Why did you start?"

"It calms me. I do it when I can't handle something."

Jessie nodded.

"Just like you and cutting." She said meeting the girls eyes. Jessie looked away from Katies gaze. "No I get to ask you something. When was the first time you cut?"

Jessie thought, and hesitated for a moment.

"I think that I was around eleven." Jessie said in a reminiscent tone. "It was awhile after my parents divorce, … and I always thought that they would get back together, but my mom started dating this guy… and the it hit me that it was over and I couldn't deal, … so I did it."

Katie watched Jessie closely as she spoke. What Jessie was saying was so uncharacteristic of how a girl that appeared like her on the outside would actually be. Katie watched her blonde hair hang dully, and yet it shined, and her eyes, the most beautiful blue, and yet distant and glazed over. It was as though a tortured soul was inside of an angels body, trying to fight through the image.

"I just can't believe he's gone." Jessie said sobbing. Katie held her close, unsure of what else to do.

And so it went the girls were living … in the moment.