Not Even Wishes
Chapter 8
The next few days passed by in a blur. Rory felt like she was always rushing—rushing to class, rushing to the hospital, even rushing back to both apartments, picking up a few things at hers and Logan's, trying to catch a nap for a few hours at the New York apartment—but it helped fill the time. If she was always busy, she didn't have to think about the cold hard reality, and it helped her to numb herself to the uncertainty and the fear that still cast a pall over her. Now, she spent the hours by Logan's side telling him about her classes, the paper, what Colin and Finn were up to, and even what the doctors were saying, although that was always second-hand information, since the doctors still weren't giving information to anyone but Honor.
By Thursday evening, she was trying very hard not to fall asleep while sitting with Logan, trying to study for a final, her laptop sitting on her knees, and stacks of notes spread out on the blankets around his legs. Her eyes had drifted shut for the umpteenth time and a few papers had slipped out of her hand onto the floor when her phone rang, bouncing on the table as it vibrated, startling her. "Hello?" she said distractedly, fumbling with the phone.
"Hi babe," came the greeting on the other end.
Rory settled back in the chair and rubbed her eyes. "Hi, Mom."
"How are you holding up?" Concern tinged Lorelai's voice.
"Um..." Rory's eyes swept around the room, over the few decorations that she and the boys had brought to brighten up the room; the mostly raunchy get-well cards that had come from other members of the Life and Death Brigade; and the piles of books, games, and extra clothes that had accumulated over the week, finally resting on Logan's still form. "I'm... okay."
"Well, I've got someone here who wants to say hi, maybe it'll cheer you up some." Lorelai seemed to be holding the receiver away from her. "Paul Anka, guess who's on the phone? It's Rory!"
Rory smiled as she heard a distinctive "Woof!" over the connection.
Lorelai got back on the phone. "He likes you, you know."
"He's a dog, Mom. How can you tell?"
"I can tell." Lorelai's voice was confident. "He always reacts when I say your name. He knows 'Rory.'"
As if to prove it, Paul Anka let out another bark at the name.
"Only because you trained him," Rory pointed out.
"That doesn't matter," Lorelai protested. "Anyway, I just wanted to call and check in with you. How's Logan?"
"The same." Rory shrugged, curling her body into the chair and tucking her feet up underneath her. "There's no real change. The doctors seem optimistic, though, which is a good thing—though I don't even know if they would tell us if they thought it wasn't good."
"I'm really sorry, sweets. This sucks... is there anything I can do to help?"
"No, not really," Rory sighed, wishing she could tell her differently—wishing there was something anyone could do to make it all go away. "But thanks, Mom."
"Call me if you need anything. I love you."
"I love you, too." She smiled as she closed the phone, holding on to it tightly.
"Hey, Logan," she said, "guess what?" She waited for a response, a habit she had gotten into during their many one-sided conversations, and slid easily into the relaxed, lyrical rhythm of these discussions, a slower rhythm than the conversations she had with anyone else. These moments—the ones when she wasn't studying or on the phone—forced her to slow down, and she made a conscious effort to leave time for Logan to answer her, even though she knew he wouldn't. Somehow, it comforted her to think that he could hear her, and she could formulate his responses in her head, hoping that he was, on some level, responding—and she needed to give him time to say what he wanted to.
"I think my mom doesn't hate you right now," Rory said with a grin, reaching out and taking Logan's hand. "Oh, I know," she added quickly, "you'll both swear up and down that she's just concerned about me and how I'm dealing with it, but I think that, deep down, she's worried about you."
"I really want you two to get along," she said at length, "but you knew that already. I think you're actually really similar, at the heart of it. You could probably do some serious damage if you got on the same side of things." Rory laughed. "Come to think of it, it's probably better that you don't get along too well—for my sanity, anyways. I'll just have to team up with Luke at Christmas dinners and stuff. We'll have to be the sane ones in the family. You know what, though—you should talk to her someday about your family. You know I'll be behind you, if you want to do the whole Huntzberger thing or if you decide to do something else—I'm here either way. None of that is why I love you. But still—you might have a good conversation with her, if you could both stop being stubborn and decide to get along for more than just my sake. She knows what it's like to feel like a disappointment and still build a good life. I'm just saying."
She sobered, squeezing his fingers more tightly. "I'm really worried about her, actually. I don't know exactly what's wrong, but things just aren't right lately. Things with Luke are weird, and if anything happens, it's going to destroy her. I don't know what it'll do to her if things don't work out." She choked up, for the first time in days, crying over something besides Logan, wishing that he was able to wrap his arms around her and let her cry on his shoulder—wanting him to placate her with a meaningless platitude and then let her talk it all out to him, wanting him to make her laugh, or distract her, or do anything to keep her from thinking about the fact that things seemed to be falling apart.
"I met her," Rory said, out of the blue. "April, I mean." She took a deep breath, even though she knew that Logan wasn't going to respond—this part of the conversation still set off the butterflies in her stomach. "I went to Philly to see Jess while you were gone," she confessed, partly glad that she was talking to an unresponsive figure; partly wishing that they could just talk about it and get it over with. "The publishing house he works for was having an open house type of thing, and I really wanted to see what he was doing with his life. I know it sucked for us when he came back last fall, but Logan—I'm so proud of him. He's doing something with his life—something that's really perfect for him—and it really threw me for a loop, because I just... wasn't. I felt like I was sitting there, being useless, and made me remember that I didn't have to be like that," she babbled. "And then I was mad at you when I went to see him this time—maybe I was trying to make you jealous, but then you got in the accident, and now... and that doesn't matter anymore, anyway..." she cut herself off, swiping in frustration at the few tears that were tracking down her cheeks.
"Anyway, I met April. Luke and April were in Philly, too, and it's a really long story how we all got there at the same time, but I met her, and Mom hasn't even met her yet, and I felt so bad about it. She's really cute—April, that is. I think Mom would like her, and she'd like Mom, and maybe even the three of us could have a really great time hanging out, but everything's so complicated, and I don't know where anyone stands on the whole issue, or whose side anyone is on anymore."
By now, Rory was venting full-steam to Logan, who still lay motionless on the bed, his monitors beeping a steady, consistent metronome to her rushing torrent of words. "We shouldn't have to take sides. There should be no 'us versus them' in this situation. Everyone should be trying to make it all work, but suddenly, it's every man for himself. Mom, Luke, April, me... Oh—I met Anna, April's mom, too. A while ago. I told you about that, right? Or maybe not—I don't remember any more."
She leaned forward, resting her head on the blankets beside his chest, wanting nothing more than to burrow in beside him, suddenly feeling very tired. "Why aren't you awake?" she asked plaintively. "Why—Logan, why am I going through all this by myself? I don't want to do it this way anymore, okay? I want us to be a team, but we can't be a team until you wake up and start talking to me again, so please—wake up?"
When Colin and Finn burst into the room, arguing loudly, Rory sat up quickly, wiping away the last of her tears. "Stop it," Colin was saying. "You're wrong, and you're insane."
"I won't argue with the insane part," Finn responded, pulling up a chair, "but I'm not wrong. Rory, love, tell him I'm right."
"Um...why don't you tell me what it is you're talking about," Rory suggested. It was dangerous to agree with either of them without knowing the full story.
"Doesn't matter." Finn waved his hand dismissively.
"Because he knows he's wrong!" Colin insisted.
"What happened?" Rory asked again.
"Just forget it," Colin muttered, sinking into a chair.
Finn reached into a bag and pulled out a stack of magazines, his eyes gleaming. "We found Logan's secret stash. We thought we'd shove it under his mattress here, just like he used to have in his room."
"Secret stash of what?" Rory asked warily.
"Playboys," Colin informed her.
"Excuse me?" Rory's eyes widened. "Logan's got a secret stash of Playboys?"
"From when he was 16 or 17," Colin mused.
"But we thought he might like to have them here," Finn added.
"I don't think he needs them," Rory tried to point out.
The boys broke out into identical grins. "I bet you don't," Finn said, raising his eyebrows mischievously.
"Shut up!" was the response.
"Aha!" Colin crowed. "Ten bucks, Finn!"
Finn fished a bill out of his wallet and handed it over reluctantly. "I thought it would take at least ten minutes," he said with a frown.
"What?" Rory looked between the two of them. "What would take at least ten minutes"
"I bet Finn that you would tell us to shut up within five minutes," Colin told her, still grinning gleefully.
Rory just shook her head. "You're impossible, and I should know better than to ask when it comes to you two." She reached forward and took Logan's hand in hers again. "You know, Logan, you'd really better come back to us, soon. I don't know how much more of them I can put up with!"
Finn leaned over, whispering something in Colin's ear, which was making his grin grow. "How can we get a life-size picture, though?" Colin asked, and Finn whispered a response. "Of course!" Colin exclaimed. "Tomorrow. It'll be perfect."
"What are you—never mind." Rory decided against asking what they were conspiring. Sometimes it was safer to be left in the dark.
Luckily, a nurse came in and asked the three of them to vacate the room. Rory quickly gathered her things, stuffing them into her bag, hoping that enough of the material would seep in to her mind and she wouldn't completely blank out when it came time for her final.
They settled onto some couches in the waiting room, Rory pulling out her books and the boys sitting on the opposite side of the room, talking about who knows what. She shook her head at them, grinning, and buried herself in her notes, resolving to actually get some studying done during their "banishment" from Logan's room.
That resolution lasted all of about six minutes, though, before her cell phone rang. Honor, she saw, flipping it open.
"Hey," she greeted.
"How's everything going?" Honor asked.
"Well, we're out in the lobby right now," Rory replied. "The doctor's giving us our daily break from being in Logan's room—so I'm trying to do homework, and the boys are giggling and whispering like little girls."
Honor snorted, a slightly unladylike burst of laughter. "Figures."
"How are things getting settled for you?" Rory asked.
Honor sighed. "Even having movers, there's still so much that needs to be done. And I'm trying not to worry about it right now—there are more important things than decorating my apartment—but some of these boxes just need to be taken care of, or they'll drive me crazy!"
"Can't you get movers that unpack it all for you?" Rory asked.
"Yes, but for some reason, Josh wants to do most of it ourselves," Honor griped.
Rory laughed. "That's not bad, usually; it's just that the timing isn't ideal."
"I know. At least we're close enough to come in. We'll be there later this evening," Honor said, "but work isn't going to let me off to be there all the time."
Rory smiled. "It's okay—I understand," she reassured the other girl. "None of us can be here all the time, but we're doing our best."
"How are the goons treating you?" Honor asked. "Are they still being nice?"
"Yeah—they're good," Rory replied. "Going a little stir-crazy sometimes, but they're just worried about Logan. It'll do everyone some good to have a change around here."
"Soon," Honor promised. "Something will happen soon—just hang onto that, okay?"
Rory was about to respond when the call-waiting beeped in her ear. "Hang on a second, okay, Honor?" She pressed the button to switch callers. "Hello?"
"Rory?"
"Hey, Jess. How are you?"
"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" Jess asked. "How's everything going?"
"Hang on just a second." Rory covered the mouthpiece and called over to the two boys. "Hey, guys, which one of you wants to talk to Honor?"
They looked at each other and shrugged, and Colin answered first. "I'll take it," he said.
"Great," said Rory, switching the phone back. "Honor? My other line is beeping, and I should take it. Colin wants to talk to you, though—can you call his phone, and I'll talk to you once I'm finished?"
"Definitely," agreed Honor, disconnecting their call.
Across the room, Colin's phone started ringing, and he picked up and carried on the conversation with Honor as Rory switched back to Jess. "Hey—are you still there?"
"Do you need to go?" Jess asked.
"No—I just had Honor, Logan's sister, on the other line, but she's talking to his friend Colin now, so it's fine." Rory laughed as she continued. "She's one of the only people I know who can talk all three of those boys down from a ledge, shut them up with a look, and make them quiver with fear. That woman is to be feared and admired by all!"
Jess gave a short laugh. "Quite an accomplishment, from what you've told me about them," he commented. "They sound like an interesting group."
"I'm really glad she's back," Rory said more seriously. "It's good to have another girl around the place."
"Is she around all the time now?" Jess asked.
"No, she and Josh—her husband; they were on their honeymoon when the accident happened—are getting settled into their apartment, and they both have work, but they live here in the City, so it's easier for them to get here. Most days, at least one of them is here for a few hours—sometimes longer, sometimes they're both here, sometimes just one--but it's good to have someone from the family around, especially since she's the only one."
"I have to say, Rory, you sure picked a good family to get involved with," Jess commented. "And here I thought that both you and I came from weird, dysfunctional families, but the Huntzbergers seem to be weird in a 'Growing Up Gotti' kind of way."
"Are you comparing my boyfriend's family to the mob?" Rory retorted, then laughed. "Yeah—Mitchum almost fits the bill. Well," she said in mock seriousness, "it was quite a feat, but I think that, just maybe, I've found someone who makes the Gilmores look normal by comparison."
"Speaking of weird, how's it going living with those two friends of his?"
"Really good, actually," Rory said, a slight note of wry tenderness creeping into her voice. "Half the time, they're idiots, but they love Logan, and they make sure I have a chance to take a bit of a break, so I can overlook most of their quirks."
"Well, I'm glad someone's looking out for you," Jess said. "You know I'd do it, but it's probably better that it's someone who actually likes Logan. He'll be happier to see them when he wakes up than he would be to see me."
"Yeah—you probably wouldn't want to be the first face he saw," Rory said, chuckling slightly. "Then again," she added after a moment's thought, "I don't know that Colin or Finn would be the first face I'd want to see, either."
"Well," Jess said lightly, "he'd better be hoping that you're in the room when he opens his eyes."
Rory sobered. "I am too," she said quietly, staring blankly across the room, barely registering Colin and Finn, who were both shouting into Colin's phone at poor Honor.
"Then for your sake," Jess said, "so am I."
A shout from Finn caught Rory's attention, and she saw him yank the phone from Colin's hand, holding it above his head. Colin climbed over the arms of the chair, trying unsuccessfully to take the phone back. Finn stood up on the chair, ducking Colin's wild grabs. Rory rolled her eyes and sighed loudly. "I should go," she told Jess. "Those idiots seem to have forgotten they're in a hospital, and I don't think they know the meaning of the word 'decorum'."
"I'll let you go, then," Jess said. "I'll talk to you tomorrow. Call me if you need me before, though."
"I will, thanks." Rory quickly shut her phone and stuck it in her pocket as she marched across the room and snatched Colin's phone from Finn. "I'm so sorry," she told Honor, glaring at the boys, who were still fighting.
"Don't worry about it," Honor replied. "I'm certainly used to them by now. But I didn't even get to tell you why I was calling—the boys started trying to one-up each other with double entendres before I could talk to them seriously."
"Talk to them seriously?" Rory laughed. "Is that possible?"
Honor chuckled also. "Stranger things have happened. Anyway, I talked to the doctor earlier and things are looking good."
"Oh, really?" Rory's shoulders slumped with relief. "What'd he say?"
"He said that Logan is healing very well, and it shouldn't be long before he wakes up. He's shown 'remarkable progress' in the past few days, considering what he went through."
"Oh, god," Rory whispered as a smile spread across her face and her eyes filled with tears. "So he'll really be okay?"
"Yeah. Listen, I have to go, but I'll be there later tonight, so I'll see you then?"
"I'll be here. Thanks, Honor." Rory closed the phone and started to slip it into her other pocket before she realized that it was Colin's phone. She looked up at the boys who were watching her expectantly.
"Good or bad?" Colin asked.
Rory raised her eyebrows at him and tossed his phone back across the room. "You could have asked her yourself, you know."
"Well, we didn't," Finn brushed it off. "What'd she say?"
"It's good," Rory told them, sniffling slightly. "Honor said the doctors are very impressed with his progress, and they expect him to wake up soon."
The guys looked at each other, visibly relieved. "That's so great." Colin's voice cracked slightly.
"Hey, listen," Rory began, "Why don't you two go off and do whatever it is you were planning earlier," she suggested, suddenly wanting to be alone with Logan.
Colin said something to Finn in a low tone, and Finn whispered back. "We'll be back later," Colin told her, touching her arm briefly as they passed by.
As soon as the nurse vacated the room, Rory took her regular seat by Logan's bed. All thoughts of studying had vanished from her mind, and all she could think was "Soon." She knew that the following months wouldn't be easy, that everything wouldn't be magically better as soon as Logan opened his eyes, but she didn't care—right now, she just wanted to see him awake. Now it was just a matter of waiting, and waiting was always hardest the closer it was to being over. Reaching out, she took his hand in hers. "Logan," she whispered to him. "Hey, you in the bed there," she kidded in a soft voice, "I've had just about enough of this now, you hear me? I think I've been very patient, and you know me—that's quite a feat." Rory squeezed his hand gently, looking over his face for a change—anything besides the same stillness. Was her mind playing tricks on her or did his fingers twitch just then? It had to be a matter of wanting something so badly that she was imagining it was really happening... right? She peered closely at him, and this time she knew it wasn't her mind—his eyes did open a slit. "Logan?" Rory said, her voice cracking. "Come on, open your eyes," she coaxed. "Please?"
Logan's eyes fluttered again, and this time they opened fully. "Ace?" he croaked out.
Rory's face broke into a grin and her tears spilled over. "Oh my god," she said. "You're awake!" Without any regard for the tubes or monitors he was hooked up to, she launched herself at him, hugging him tightly. When she felt his arm move underneath her, she pulled back. "I'm sorry—did I hurt you?" she asked worriedly. "I should have been careful—how do you feel?" She closed her eyes briefly. "Sorry, that was a stupid question." She settled for gripping his hand, her other hand traveling over his arm, his face—she had to keep touching him, now that she knew he could feel it.
Logan blinked a few times, and managed to feebly squeeze Rory's hand. He was still weak, she could tell, and that was only natural, but he was back, really there, and it wasn't a dream. "You're here," he whispered with a faint smile.
Rory wiped her tears impatiently with the back of her hand. "Of course I'm here," she told him. "You really think I would be anywhere else?"
Authors' notes Once again, we cannot thank our beta, bpaulanka/b enough. Only the epilogue remains, so we hope you enjoyed this journey as much as we did.
